


Calling the Light, Only to Vanish into Darkness

by paper_in_ashes



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Canon Rewrite, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Love Triangles, Porn With Plot, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:21:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 47
Words: 235,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23228545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paper_in_ashes/pseuds/paper_in_ashes
Summary: “Who are you?” he seethed through deep breaths.I rushed to reclaim composure, putting the worrying thought I could have just died as far back into my mind as possible.“My name… is Alex,” I rasped, voice hoarse.“She did something to you,” he surmised, not forming it as a question. “She did something. Rey, the Jedi.”The way his modulated voice grated over her name, and that word, made me shiver.Gently, I shook my head. “She didn’t do anything.”“How else could your thoughts, even your energy signature, be shielded from me?”***Alexys is a doctor living a life of exclusivity on Raxus, hoping to survive through a peaceful existence, concealing herself from those she believes would use her, or kill her. When fate intervenes and instigates a perilous journey she'd been desperately trying to avoid, Alex finds herself caught in the middle of two sides in both war and love.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Kylo Ren/Reader, Poe Dameron/Original Female Character(s), Poe Dameron/Reader
Comments: 648
Kudos: 574





	1. Crash Landing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt it before I heard it.

A booming crash of metal and glass, sending a shattering vibration through the walls and furniture around me, until it hit my body in an overwhelming wave reaching from my fingertips to the middle of my chest.

After the years of mostly silence I’d become accustomed to, the noise that came pummelling into my ears almost made me shriek in surprise. It was short lived, coming and going in a flicker so quick I had to question if it was real at all.

Lights began to flash, blinking rapidly in uneven time. The mixture of harsh beeps that surrounded me indicated something was faulting my electricity circuits, causing them to fail intermittently, plunging me into the darkness of night over and over.

I could only question myself again at the plausibility of this being a dream, but the slow, increasing creak that emanated from beyond the walls of this building brought me to a certainty.

Something had crashed outside.

Fear radiated through my limbs, leaving me stuck where I was standing for a few moments, before an uncontrollable urge of selflessness and honestly, _curiosity_ , forced me to move and exit the safety of my clinic.

There wasn’t really a way to prepare for what I saw not metres away from my front entrance. A ship, an X-wing of some variety, was wrecked into itself in front of me, varying metals twisted and curled into each other, flames beginning to billow out from the creases.

I could feel the heat of them rise as I cautiously stepped forward, taking in the scene with wide eyes. Then I saw it – the movement of something – _no, a person_ , demanding my attention. The pilot of this battered machine had been thrown just beyond the edge of its hull, broken transparisteel smattering the ground around them.

_Hm, the Resistance should probably investigate their flight safety measures._

That thought quickly flittered away when the pilot moved again, this time with a painful moan echoing into the atmosphere. It was then the switch inside of me flipped, and an all too familiar feeling of certainty flooded me.

_This is your cue Alexys_.

I raced quickly to the pilot and knelt on the ground before them, fingers carefully removing the black and red helmet with both urgency and restraint as to not cause any more possible damage to this person’s head or neck. The moan I'd heard just moments before let me know this person had some kind of airway, but it was pertinent I assess further.

With the helmet gone I noticed the short, lightly waved black hair of a man, his eyes pulled closed, a few bruises and smudges of grey soot smattered over his face. I could see his chest moving, laboured breathing with the occasional heave on inhale.

_At least he’s breathing._

“It’s alright,” I insisted. “I’m here to help you.”

There wasn’t any discernible response from the pilot other than a groan that withered away slowly, and that in itself worried me.

Kneeling over his body I quickly placed two fingers under the line of his jaw, halfway down, trying to feel for a pulse. I could sense the thump of blood under my fingertips, but it was too slow, too faint, too uneven.

_Not great, but it was enough for now._

I began to scan over his body, knowing it was time to assess what was giving him reason to cry out in pain.

I was quick to notice the severe burns on his left arm which had caused some of his flight suit to stick to the skin, with more scalds reaching down to his torso and abdomen.

His right arm was almost definitely broken with the limb morphed into an irregular angle almost halfway along.

Without being able to look at them directly to ascertain whether I was going to be able to move him, I pressed on his hips gently, silently praying he hadn’t broken his pelvis. He muffled softly, but anyone who had actually shattered the bone would have screamed.

As my eyes continued to scan down, it became obvious all too suddenly the shattered edge of his right femur bone that was poking out of the orange flight suit.

_Kriff, this is not ideal._

I wanted to internally kick myself for not noticing it before, but there was no time, not with the very real possibility of him bleeding out in front of my eyes.

I ran with everything I could back to the clinic room, knowing where the bandage and splint lay waiting, along with the anaesthetic injections I had stocked in the pharmacy cupboard.

_He was certainly going to need them_.

Within minutes I was back to the ground with the pilot, clicking together the injector handle and vial, piercing the needle straight into his thigh above the fracture site.

I wouldn’t be able to wait for it to dull most of the pain, so internally, I braced myself for the scream I was about to elicit from this poor human's chest.

The second I started to wrap the bandage around the splint a piercing wail echoed through the air, almost causing me to hesitate, yet I continued to haphazardly wrap the white material around his leg, pushing through the guilt that coursed through me.

But, suddenly, the noise stopped.

My eyes darted to his face as his head slumped over on its side.

“Hey!” I shouted into his face as I scrambled back to the top end of his limp body. “Hey can you hear me? Open your eyes if you can hear me!” There was no response.

I pinched at the muscle on his shoulder, harder and harder to elicit any kind of reaction. Nothing. My hand pulled into a closed fist and grinded against his sternum. “Come on, open those eyes if you can feel this!”

Still nothing.

Again I took check of his breathing, chest still rising and falling, yet shallow and with little power. His heartbeat was quicker now, but through my fingertips I could feel the strain in the muscle.

Something was seriously wrong, even more so than his other injuries. Something internally. If I didn’t get him into the clinic he was going to die.

In a snap decision, I chose to forgo an attempt to run back and locate the hover-stretcher. It would take too much time to set up and power on, time this man didn’t have. I would have to move him myself.

_How the hell am I going to do this?_

With my arms hooked and locked under his armpits I began to drag the pilots hefty body backwards towards the clinic behind me, thankfully only a few meters away, just making it past the entry way when a roar of flames overtook the X-wing.

I looked up to see the blaze almost completely engulfing the ship, a ferocious heat searing into my eyes and face. With even more urgency I heaved the body into the large clinic room, getting up and slamming the door just in time. Just before a house rattling explosion sent shockwaves into the world around me.

Lucky didn’t seem to be an appropriate feeling considering the situation I was still in, but at least no one had died. Yet.

With my last bit of brute strength, I hoisted the pilots limp body onto the closest hospital bed, noticing then the trail of red liquid I’d brought along with me.

_Oh no no no._

With him still lifeless I eventually tugged at his body and limbs to lie flat on the bed, then scurried to my medical trolley, hauling it back to where the pilot laid, ragged breaths still thankfully escaping into the air.

Snatching the heavy shears from the top drawer, I began to tear through the thick fabric of the flight suit, unclipping and removing as much of the life support vest and belt as I could.

I had to be careful not to rip away the fabric that melted into the burns that were scattered all over his body, the number of them increasing as I peeled away the suit, starting from his legs, up to his abdomen and chest over to his upper arms.

His torso was in full view now, a smattering of dark hair over his pectorals underneath which showed the bruises of his crash’s impact.

_Oh he’s definitely got some broken ribs._

As my gaze darted over his skin, I could finally isolate where all that blood had escaped from. A deep penetrating wound just below the last rib on his left flank. As I registered his quick shallow breaths and the uneven rise in his chest, it became obvious.

_Collapsed lung._

Whatever had pierced through his chest had poked an extremely damaging hole in his lung, the pleural space now filling with air, leaving no room for his lung to expand.

My following movements were swift and calculated, almost automatic. A pointed scalpel was soon in my hand, poised to cut. But I couldn’t help but hesitate.

It had been so long since I’d had to do this. Yet, somehow, concern for this stranger’s life was quick to weave it’s way through me, dissolving my fear into pure resolve.

I made my incision in between the 4th and 5th ribs, using a clamp to push into the underlying tissue and past the pleural cavity, a gloved hand then entering to check I’d made it through. With an unconscious confidence, I guided the chest tube between the layers of tissue, undoing the ratchet of the clamp to an immediate rush of air. The pilot’s chest heaved in relief, along with my own. But there was more to do.

I connected a drain to the tube and sutured it in place.

_One crisis averted_.

I flew to the pharmacy to grab my limited stock of bacta and returned already preparing the vial into the pressurised injector, knowing I would need to use it sparingly if this stranger was going to make it through this.

I had cursed at myself only a few times in the years past at being so far removed from a higher level medical centre that would be overflowing with bacta and medical droids that could help in exactly this kind of situation, but the thought had never burned me so badly.

There was no way to know if I could keep this man alive with the resources that yesterday I had been more than comfortable with. I would just have to try.

I injected some of the bacta solution throughout the surrounding area of the wound and covered it with heavy dressing, knowing the bleeding would quickly be curbed. Unfortunately, the wound itself would take a few days to fully close, since I was only ever able to afford stock of lower quality bacta.

Before moving on to the burns, I placed some basic monitoring, lines extending from electrical dots over his chest, wrist and neck to the data monitor above the bed.

As the numbers lit up on the holo screen, I felt myself breathe a small sigh of relief, having prepared for a much worse result. His heart rate was better, oxygen levels returning to normal, blood pressure not optimal by any means but high enough to sustain his life, for now.

After securing an oxygen filter over his battered face, I continued to inspect and clean as many of the small and more sizeable burns dotting his body. Even with the many I had uncovered, the one extending from his shoulder past his elbow was the one of most concern. Third degree and extremely unhappy looking. If I wasn’t quick to treat this, it could leak even more fluid from his already compromised circulatory system.

I was thankful he still remained unconscious when I began to slowly shed charred material that had melted into the skin layer. I couldn’t help but shudder as I remembered the initial scream this man had let out, knowing I would be hearing it now if not for his comatose state.

I covered the immense scald in as much salve as I could spare, wrapping it in protective antibacterial bandage before covering his many blisters and deeper burns with dressings.

Glancing at the monitor screen, I saw he was still stable, and swallowed hard. Now it was time to attempt possibly the most daunting part of this patient’s treatment.

His femur was still sticking through the tissue of his thigh, slightly dried dark red blood creating lightning strike looking lines extending from the wound.

_I need to get some blood into him before moving this._

I quickly got to work on an IV cannula, his poor blood pressure making it significantly more difficult than it should have been. Two bags of O- blood were all I had, and a wave of dread coursed through me with the thought of that not being enough if this all went wrong.

I squeezed the fast flow pump of the IV line, pushing fresh blood urgently into his system, yet his blood pressure rose only slightly. With the last of the red liquid trickling through the line I wheeled over the portable X-Ray. It was so old the mechanical arm screeched at me as I positioned it into place over the pilot’s leg.

The bone had to be at least somewhat in place before getting the bacta to work its magic or this guy might walk with two uneven legs for the rest of his life. If he actually made it through the rest of his injuries that is.

Shaking my arms out at my side, I began taking deep breaths to build up my stamina. Unfortunately, this stranger was stuck with a small framed female to attempt reducing his severe fracture.

With one last inhale I drew the courage to pull as hard as I could horizontally at the knee joint, digging my fingers into a vice grip around the limb and yanking it towards me. Thankfully the fractured edge of the femur to slipped back into the hole it was peeking out from and settled back under the skin.

_Thank all the stars in the galaxy he’s not awake for this._

I quickly pressed the image button on the X-ray to assess the progress I’d made.

_Definitely not done, but it was a start._

The faint white lines of bone edges were stark enough on the grey background of the image, and it showed me the fracture wasn’t reduced even nearly enough.

I prepared myself again, and with another deep breath I pulled hard at his leg, this time angling the lower portion of bone to try and lock it back into place. I could feel the grinding of bone edges through my fingers, pulling even harder to create more space between the fracture, to give me a fighting chance of lining up the splintered edges. I could feel I was almost there, the leg having some semblance of normality.

My muscles were whining at me, begging for this to be over, tears of exhaustion soon stinging at the edges of my eyes.

With one final twisting motion there was a sudden click.

_Finally_.

But my relief was short lived.

It was slow at first, then racing faster. A stream of dark red blood pooling at the wound the broken bone had made.

_Oh maker no_.

Within moments the pace of the blood quickened, and I shot my hands to the open flesh site, pressing down hard in an attempt to disturb the flow. The liquid quickly covered my gloved hands, completely unsure where I’d severed the artery.

The pressure of my hands into the area made the blood spurt out onto my arms, my clothes, my face, everywhere. Soon the monitor was screaming at me, blood pressure falling quickly. Wiping some of the hot coppery fluid away from my left eye, I slid my fingers back into the gash, moving desperately to stop the overflow before the man lying in front of me bled out, knowing it would all be my fault. 

**_You have to do it Alexys. He will die if you don’t._ **

The voice nagged at every cell in my body, pleading with me to do what it wanted.

_No! He’s with the Resistance! If he survives, if he contacts them, they’ll find me. And they’ll know._

**_Well, it is time to decide. His life. Or yours_**.

Seconds ticked by fleetingly, numbers flashing on the monitor trickling down, the speed of blood flow from the pilot’s leg stubbornly keeping it’s intensity.

Everything I’d done to get here, to isolate myself so no one could find me. It would all amount to nothing. My easy, albeit lonely life, would be gone. All because of this stranger.

But I couldn’t let him die. Not like this.

In one flash, I removed my hands from inside the wound, ripping off my gloves and placing two palms at either side of the leg.

I closed my eyes and willed the energy out of the depths of its slumber. From the darkened corner of my mind I pulled it back into existence, opening the gate I’d locked it inside for so long, letting it finally burst through and fill up my brain.

From there it dashed through my neck, through my chest and down my arms, right to the end of my fingertips. Its warming glow was almost comforting, friendly. I would have basked in it for a while if not for the life that hung in the balance before me.

Through the pads of my fingerprints I pushed it outwards, connecting me to the skin of this innocent human being, and felt the overwhelming heat of pain and dimming of energy.

**_Hurry, he’s dying_**.

I began to map out the tissue of his leg, frustratingly slowly, starting at the smallest of capillaries, weaving and winding through the flesh, connecting them through the maze of fat and muscle. I could feel the sweat forming on my forehead, my breathing forced and harsh. The vessels grew bigger as I pushed the energy through, skipping past broken points of other smaller injuries. I could fix them later.

Finally, I felt a molten warmth radiating close to where the maze had guided me. Racing to it, I sensed something pushing me back, the pressure of escaping fluid holding my efforts. I’d found the cut, but now I had to somehow knit it back together.

**_You’re taking too long_**.

The alarms of the monitor started to echo with a hollow ring inside my ear, fading until I could hear almost nothing. The world around me was blurry, only the image of vessel tissue and all-consuming redness visible in my minds eye.

The energy I was expending began to burn me, telling me I wouldn’t be able to keep this up for much longer. I reached out with it, what felt like many hands grasping desperately at the severed edge of the femoral artery, frantic yet delicate, pulling whatever tissue I could hold back into place.

Several fringes connected, the pressure pushing forcefully against me, making it harder to hold. I couldn’t help but begin to shake at the strain, the sound of my own heart pounding over the slowing heartbeat of the pilot. My hold was already beginning to fade before I started to sew the pieces of artery back together, an ache growing behind my eyes as I pierced an invisible needle through the tissue, over and over, still clawing at the unsewn edges as I made my way around the tube.

I was so close, the tension of the fluid still being driven out of the broken seal almost overcoming me. The unseen thread had almost made its way full circle. I was almost there.

I could feel entire body rattling with exhaustion and pain. One final thread wove itself around the artery, its abrupt closure alleviating the strain on invisible fingers that had been holding it all together.

**_You did it_**.

The energy dissipated quickly in a rolling wave, letting it retreat back into my mind, scampering to the secluded area of my brain, hidden once more.

I felt light suddenly, dizzy, the world coming back into focus around me, screaming alarms growing louder. It was too much, all at once.

A sharp pang of fatigue enveloped every part of my senses and I faltered back, knees giving way, slumping to the floor.

Then, there was only darkness.


	2. Consciousness

It was the light of morning that caused my eyes to flutter open, the hardness of the tiled floor beneath me quickly recognised in an increasing ache that pulsed through each muscle of my limbs.

I was slow to move, measured actions helping to bring myself into a seated position, arms shakily holding me up at the sides. Memories of the previous evening flooded back in swift succession, along with the pain of immense fatigue that always followed the act of letting the Force do my healing for me.

_Did it even work?_

My hand gripped the hospital bed that his body still slumped on and I pulled myself upwards sluggishly, feet gliding along the ground under my legs until I could stand. The scene in front of me was still shocking, even with remembering all that had happened. Eventually, I noticed the even breaths that flowed in and out of the pilot’s chest.

**_He survived the night. Well done._ **

****

The numbers on the monitor confirmed what the voice had said. Heart rate steady. Oxygen levels optimum. Blood pressure higher than it had ever reached the night before. Even with the battered and broken man in front of me, covered in dried blood that had spilled over the bed and floor, I felt a rush of emotion break free from its cage in my chest, unleashing a powerful urge to cry.

I sobbed quietly, knowing it was both relief and exhaustion that caused the tears to crawl down my face. I wasn’t really sure why it hit me so hard. I didn’t even know this man, yet his survival at my hands overwhelmed every part of my being, bursting at the seams with a happiness I’d never experienced for a patient before.

But then I recalled what I’d done to make all of it possible.

Fear struck like a spark in the centre of my chest, rippling its way through my veins.

There’s no way I could explain this as a simple act of medical miracle. He’d know. Then they’d know. And then everything I’d built would come crumbling down. I’d have to find a new planet, a new home, build a new clinic leaving everything behind.

_I just wanted to heal people. I didn’t want to be a part of either of their worlds, and I didn’t want to d-_

A croaky moan escaped from the pilot’s lips, his eyes moving underneath the lids, struggling to open. He groaned louder, and it became clear all too quickly he was starting to feel his extensive injuries. Panic set in, realising I hadn’t had time to give him any anaesthetic or pain relief.

_This was going to be a rough wake up._

A piercing shout bellowed from his chest, startling me into focus. With the trolley at hand I wrenched open the draws in search of anything with a pain-relieving quality and prepared the med-injector with heavy fluid.

He’d already started to move his limbs, presumably in a way to understand what was happening, and another strained yell echoed in the room around me, sending a shiver rocketing down my spine. I jammed the needle into the IV cannula port, pushing in the medicine without much of a thought to appropriate dosage.

_I just needed to stop him moving_.

He began hollering even harder, tears welling in his eyes as he began to thrash against the mattress.

I grabbed his wrists and slammed them back down on the bed.

“It’s okay! You’re okay! I know it hurts but you’ve got to give the painkiller time to work. I promise it’s going to be alright!” 

His eyes flew open, an obvious distress burning harshly from behind brown irises. They flickered over my blood-stained clothes, then locked into mine, pleading, begging for me to do something to take away the agony.

“I know,” I said softly, a more tender edge to my voice. “I know it hurts. I’m doing all that I can. Please just stay still. It will get better. _Please_.”

The pilot drew in a deep, haggard breath, his bottom lip trembling. Eventually his jaw clenched as our eyes remained fixed, a silent pact of trust hanging in the air around us. It took me by surprise, how easy it was to calm him, and I took the chance to soothe him even further.

“My name is Alex, I’m a doctor,” I disclosed. “Your ship crashed just outside my clinic. You were hurt, _badly_. You fell unconscious and I brought you in here to treat your injuries.”

Such a simple explanation for the truly gargantuan effort I had performed.

_I wonder if he’ll ever know how close to death he was._

It wasn’t the time to tell him now, not when he seemed so scared. There was some semblance of understanding in his features, dark bushy eyebrows furrowed in thought for a moment, only for his eyes to shut again as he appeared to withhold a pained cry.

I released my grip from his right wrist, placing my hand in his and squeezed gently, in an act of sympathy, something I had done many times for people in distress. Even the small movement was enough to make him yelp.

_Kriff. I forgot his arm was broken._

“Sorry!” I squeaked. He was still wincing. “Let me try and fix that.”

It was still obvious how wrong the angle was in his forearm, and I began to prepare more local anaesthetic into the injector handle. I shot the needle a few centimetres above the fracture, the pilot barely flinching. Compared to the rest of his injuries it would have felt like nothing at all.

“I need to set this okay? Your arm is going to feel numb in a minute or two. I’ll be as quick as I can.”

His nod was measured, careful not to move anymore than he had to. I left him for a moment to find my universal cast and a sling, giving the injection a few moments to filter through his tissue and into the nerves. When I returned I could see some of the pain medication had started to take hold, the burn of discomfort in his eyes beginning to waver, his muscles losing their tension and relaxing ever so slightly into the mattress. I prepared the cast, cutting the shapes out for his fingers and thumb, getting it ready for quick application.

“Poe,” he said slowly, his voice croaky and filled with restraint. “My name is Poe.”

I met his gaze again, trying my hardest to put forward an aura of confidence, even in my exhaustion.

“Nice to meet you, Poe,” I smiled gently. It was an attempt to create at least some sense of normality, like he hadn’t been on the brink of death not hours ago.

I grazed a finger softly down his right forearm, asking, “Can you feel this?”

“A little,” he whispered. It was clearly hard for him to find his voice again after such an ordeal. “It’s kind of… fuzzy.”

“Do you think I could try and set your arm now? I can wait if you want.”

“I can handle it.”

Underneath his lips I could imagine his gritted teeth, clenching hard, bracing for the pain. It occurred to me then maybe this wasn’t the first time he’d broken a bone.

Without another word I pulled the X-ray unit’s arm up towards his forearm, hoping he didn’t notice the splashes of his blood smattering the machine. Pressing down on the image button revealed a better picture in comparison to the absolute mess his femur had been. Only his radius was fractured, in an even line, no splintering to be seen.

_Finally something easy._

I placed my two hands around his arm on either side of the fracture, poising myself for a quick pull and twist. Poe’s muscles tensed underneath my grip.

“At least try and relax, it will make it much easier,” I insisted.

He drew in a deep breath, and the tension released from underneath my fingertips.

I’d learned in my experience not to tell patients exactly when I was going to perform something painful. Something about the surprise of it somehow made it hurt less. So with one fluid movement I pulled and rotated the bone back into place, knowing even before I shot the X-ray it would be aligned. Poe was crushing his eyelids closed, waiting for me to move again.

“It’s okay, I got it.”

His eyes opened and face morphed into a look of surprise. I’d already begun to position the cast, bending the malleable plastic to the contours of his limb.

“First try?” he marvelled. I nodded, while trying to rein in my ego. “Never had someone get it on the first try.”

I swallowed hard. “I, uh... I wasn’t so lucky with your femur.” I flicked through the previous X-rays, pointing to the multiple shots of my attempts to fix the break. His eyes widened, mouth in a small ‘o’.

“That was my femur?” he gasped, “And you put it back?”

Both of our eyes glanced to the wound on his right leg. It was closed.

_But I didn’t put any bacta on it._

Poe’s disbelief distracted him from my own. What I’d done last night with my crude attempt at Force healing had managed to not only mend the life-threatening severing of his artery, but also somehow pulsed enough energy to knit his wound back together, leaving a slightly raised sealed laceration where the deep hole had been. Dread filled me again, weighing down so forcefully I didn’t want to move.

_How am I going to explain this?_

“T-thank you. Thanks for getting the bacta into it so quickly. You must have some good quality stuff.”

_Thank every particle in the universe. He suspected nothing._

I moved slightly to position myself in front of the trolley that stored evidence of the low quality bacta solution and salve I had used for his chest wound and burns, and feigned a smile of appreciation.

“Just doing my job.”

All of a sudden it seemed to hit him, the situation he was in. His questions came out in rapid fire, desperate for clarification.

“Wait, where am I? What happened to my ship? Where’s BB-8?”

He began to rise from the mattress, wincing at the many injury points as he pulled himself into an upright position on the bed. The quick movement evidently made him dizzy, as he pulled his newly casted arm onto the bed railing to stabilise a wobble.

“ _Woah_ , just hold on a minute there,” I asserted, doctor mode engaged. “You’ve still got some serious injuries that need time to heal. There are some nasty burns, a collection of broken bones and the remnants of a punctured lung. Now bacta can be a miracle cure but it still needs more time before you start moving around again, or you’re going to ruin all the progress I made.”

Poe looked as if he was going to argue, but as my eyes bore into his, he recoiled back into the bed, sighing from both the pain of movement and the lack of answers.

“I was in the middle of an important mission okay?” he stressed. “There are people who are waiting on me. I need to get a message back to the Resistance. To tell them I’m out of commission.”

I tensed. The thought of the Resistance coming here to pick up their injured pilot was enough to make my heart beat faster.

Sure, maybe Poe didn’t suspect anything, but the likelihood of convincing force sensitive people like _Leia Organa_ , or the scavenger girl….

What was her name again? _Rey_ , that’s it.

Attempting to fool them into thinking I’d healed this man with a bit of brute force and bacta would be near on impossible.

But I couldn’t prevent Poe from contacting anybody without arousing even more suspicion. I’d just have to go along with whatever he wanted until I could formulate some kind of plan.

“Alright, how about I get you my transmitter and you promise not to try and move until I say so?” I offered, the tone in my voice not really implying that no could be an appropriate answer.

“Sure thing _doc_ ,” he agreed.

_Maker, I hate when people call me that._

I made my way over to my tech station, using the moment to give him a couple of the answers he’d been so desperate for.

“You’re on a remote clinic on Raxus, about 3000 kilometres- uh… klicks, from Raxulon. Your ship… well, I haven’t been outside since it exploded at my front door. And your droid unit… I haven’t seen.”

I realised quickly how insensitive this information came out when I looked up from my rummaging to Poe’s horrified expression. He began to sit upwards again, giving even less care to his wounds.

I ran back to stop him. “I haven’t checked outside yet!”

“Why haven’t you been out there?” he demanded, eyes flaming.

“Maybe because I was stuck in here saving your life?” I retorted sharply. “How was I supposed to know you had an astromech droid with you?”

He huffed, seeing the logic in my question. “Can you please check if BB is okay?” He seemed genuinely concerned about the welfare of his droid, voice singed with worry.

I raised an eyebrow, curious at how much emotion he was committing to this piece of equipment. All of the medical droids I’d come into contact with over the years were extremely flat personality wise. Intelligent and useful, but I’d never grown any type of attachment to them. Nothing like Poe seemed to have with this BB-8 droid.

“Sure,” I replied. “I’ll go look for the BB unit. Just _please_ stay in bed. And… prepare for the worst.”

_Underpromise, overdeliver_.

It was one of the many phrases I’d recited during my medical training. I just really hoped the latter would be the case in this situation.

I closed the clinic door behind me, and being in the light of day actually felt refreshing for a moment or two, until I shook myself into focus to assess the completely destroyed X-wing ship that consumed my vision. With sunshine finally illuminating the environment around me, rolling green hills of the countryside extending beyond the horizon, I saw the blackened metal skeleton of the ship, ashes smattered all over the ground, glass and electrical wires splayed everywhere.

_Well this doesn’t exactly ignite hope._

Walking around what was left of the X-wing, I scanned the surrounding area for any trace of a droid, not just the shine of metal, but the possible tracks left by a robot who was looking for its master. I walked slowly into the field behind the crash site, my eyes surveying every bit of ground in front of me, hoping to see any metallic glint that would indicate an intact droid.

Since the clinic was the only building for a few kilometres, there was hardly another structure it could be hiding behind, or lodged in. I almost wanted to keep walking, washing my hands of all of this, so I didn’t have to go back and tell Poe his obviously beloved droid hadn’t survived like he did. But another ruined machine caught my attention.

My comm-tower was flattened into nothing; steel, wiring and black plastic flattened into an artificial pancake.

_Kriff, more bad news for Poe._

With my only means of communication squished there was no way any of my tech could send a signal far enough to reach the Resistance, let alone the next village over. And now I would have to make the weeklong trek back to Raxulon to get another one.

_This day is kicking my butt_.

With a long sigh I ventured towards the ruined X-wing, assuming if I hadn’t found BB-8 by now, it must have been pulverised by the explosion I narrowly avoided last night. I searched the burned hollow structure of the ship, hoping for any scrap of metal that could be related to the droid, but it was all so black, covered in soot and melted, everything beginning to mutate into some other portion of the machine. When I searched over what was left of one of the wings, there was still a rounded hole where I assumed BB-8 would have been housed during flights. An empty hole.

There was always a possibility the BB droid could have gone searching for help beyond my clinic, but again, I couldn’t see any trace of movement in the dirt track leading away to the nearest village.

_I think it’s time to be the bearer of bad news._

I extricated myself from the mangled ship, looking back towards the front walls of my clinic, noticing now the remnants of the explosion that had left countless dark stains over the light blue paint, along with a few cracks and impact points where metal had hit the cement. The bushes I’d planted not even a few months ago in time for this planet’s version of spring had been scorched, most of the green overtaken by grey and black soot. As I examined them closer on walking back to the front entrance, I noticed that one had been split in half, the edges of leaves opening up in a large gap.

I quickened my pace and kneeled in front of the jumbled shrub, my hands diving in, pushing small burnt leaves out of the way until I saw a metal ball of orange and white leaning on the blue concrete wall. A little cracked and dirty, but seemingly intact.

_Oh wait, where’s the head?_

Scurrying around on my hands and knees I felt around the bushes once more, moving along the line of the wall. The twigs were scraping against the skin of my arms, but I was too excited for the possibility of some good news that I ignored the sting they caused.

Unexpectedly my hand struck something hard, and I pushed the stiff lower branches out of my view to find a domed head dug into the ground. Picking it up, I brushed away some of the dirt, inspecting for any obvious damage. Its antennae was crooked, a few deep scratches had sliced the metal, but it all seemed fairly superficial. I took the head and strode back to it’s body, beaming with the thought I could ease even a little bit of Poe’s worry. I placed it gently on top of the balled body, assuming the magnet would hold and the droid would spring back to life, but it slid off in a clang of metal, head sinking into the ground once more.

_Yeah, that seems about right._

*

“I have good news and bad news,” I declared sheepishly as I walked into view of Poe, holding the two pieces of BB-8 in either arm. His face burst into an illustration of relief, then confusion as his brain finally registered the image of me carrying his dear friend separated into two pieces, and lifeless.

I placed the metal components onto the hospital bed at the side of Poe’s leg.

He looked up at me. “This is the bad news right?” His hands tentatively checked over the BB unit, attempting what I had done not minutes ago, and watched the head piece slide back over the metal ball and dive into the mattress.

“Um… Actually… this was meant to be the good news,” I cringed. “The bad news is that my comm-tower was completely flattened by your ship. None of my transmitter tech is going to be able to send out any messages until I can get another one built.”

Poe’s jaw clenched hard, and I only noticed now the dark stubble that glittered the lower half of his face.

“And when would that be exactly?” he queried harshly. I didn’t like the tone of his voice.

“At least another week if I left now, but I can’t leave you like this, you’re still in critical condition.”

It was obvious he was hiding his frustration, hands scrunched into balls. “They can’t wait that long.”

I scrambled at any answer that might settle him. “I mean, maybe some of the villagers could help, but there’s no guarantee-”

“Then get them to help!” he exploded, making me step back in shock. He suddenly softened, realising quickly the severity of his demand.

“I’m sorry, but this is just… _so important_. I know you’ve already done more than I could have ever asked of someone, but I still need more of your help. The fate of the galaxy depends on it.”

His eyes glistened with hope, pleading with me, sending a cold wave of unease down every nerve in my body. He held a bandaged arm out, hand open, reaching toward me.

I desperately didn’t want to be a part of this. It was what I had run from for so long, and even now the immediate urge was to bolt out the front door, leaving behind this stranger who could unravel everything I’d built.

But there was something about the expression on his face, the dire need in his eyes, calling out to me, begging me for help. I was all he had right now, I was his only lifeline to put him back on whatever journey he had been travelling before fate made him literally crash into me.

I placed my hand in his. “I’ll do everything I can.”


	3. The Return

On the way back from the East village, filled with the Gossams, humans and other alien species who had similarly escaped to a simpler life, I couldn’t help but curse at myself for giving in so easily to the pleas of a good-looking stranger.

**_Oh, so you think he’s good looking? How horribly unprofessional._ **

The voice in the back of my mind was _loud_. And curiously judgemental.

It had been a whole 28 hours since I’d departed the clinic, making Poe vow to remain within the confines of his bed until I had returned. I left him with enough food for two days of my travelling, hygiene supplies, a drip running slowly for some pain relief and enough tools for him to attempt getting BB-8 up and running, so hopefully he wouldn’t have any reason to struggle getting out of bed.

The thought of his still fragile femur bone breaking and splitting the artery I’d spent all of my energy on mending was beyond frightening. I worried about him every minute I was awake, imagining any number of complications that would leave me a corpse to find when I arrived back.

_Bleeding, clots, stroke, infection, sepsis._

It wasn’t easy to slip those thoughts from my mind in the lone starkness of the Raxus countryside. There wasn’t really anything to look at except grass and sky, nothing to distract me from the worst case scenarios.

I’d convinced some of my old patients to join my cause, promising them better medicine and equipment if I was only able to have a comm-tower to order everything I needed. It didn’t seem like lying. The comm-tower really was my only link to the rest of the galaxy, and I would have needed it fixed anyway. Only now, time seemed to be more of the essence.

After spending the night amongst the locals I had grown to be familiar with over the last few years, I’d begun the trek back to my clinic with the knowledge at least one problem had been solved. Some had promised spare parts, others were going to follow my path within the next day cycle to get my comm-link back online. I hadn’t divulged all of the story, at least not the part about this repair job apparently being a determining factor in the fate of the galaxy.

I hadn’t pressed Poe about what that meant exactly. I was used to the Resistance and their soldiers having somewhat of a flair for the dramatic when it came to war, after healing many of their battle wounds in years past. I knew how fervently they believed in their cause, that they were the only thing standing between galaxy wide harmony and First Order dictatorship.

I understood their hope of peace in our lifetime, but I’d lost mine a long time ago. Good, bad, they were just two sides of a coin that would flip for eternity, hungrily chasing power for their own reasons.

I didn’t particularly care, I just wanted to live my life somewhat free from the burden of picking a side.

*

Before unlocking the clinic door, my feet aching from hiking for 6 straight hours, I drew in a long breath with a silent prayer I wouldn’t be walking in to find a dead body. With a fluid motion I turned the handle and pushed the door open, my head popping in first around the entryway to where Poe’s hospital bed stood. He immediately heard the latch clicking and shot his head up to meet with my eyes.

“You’re back,” he smiled. I noticed how much colour had returned to his face during my absence and let the rush of relief travel into every nerve and vessel.

_He looked so much better_.

  
For the first time, I found myself studying his face, my stare tracing from his strong angular jawline, to his high cheekbones, the prominence of his nose, the whiskey brown of his large cheerful eyes, his tousled deep brown hair. Then I took in his wide grin, shapely pink lips curled upwards to show perfectly set white teeth.

_Stars, he’s so handsome._

In the muddle of memories I’d conceived from the night of his crash I’d not recognised, at least not during the time I was struggling to keep him alive, how _attractive_ he was. And now with his health a far better picture than the last time I had seen him, it was all I could notice. My heart quivered through a beat as he beamed at me, soon realising that smile was more of a reflection the prospect of good news I brought with my return, making it settle back into a normal rhythm.

“Hi,” I breathed, walking closer and setting my pack down at the foot of the hospital bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” he answered, “The smaller burns are almost gone, and my chest wound is closed, look!” He pulled up the grey hospital shirt I’d managed to change him into before I had to leave.

This time when I saw the nakedness of his chest and abdomen I couldn’t help but stare at his softly defined muscles, all tensing during his movement. He was right, the hole below his rib was sealed, a newly-formed, pink scar in its place. The chest tube was still secured above it, now redundant.

“Gotta love bacta,” I hummed. “I can take that tube out now if you like.”

He looked at me incredulously. “You’ve just done a 30 hour round trip for me, not even sat down, and you want to dive head first into more of my treatment?”

“I... uh... I mean... I just wanted to help you feel better,” I stammered.

Poe shook his head, smirking. “It’s okay, I appreciate it. Really, I do. But I’m alright, the tube can wait. How about you rest for a second and tell me how the mission... I mean, _trip,_ went?”

I raised an eyebrow. “Two days ago you were _begging_ me to get going so I couldn’t waste any time, now you’re telling me I can take a load off?”

"Sorry,” he grimaced. “Having some time to think while you were gone... It made me realise everything you’d done and were doing for me; a stranger you had no reason to help."

Poe took a long exhale before speaking again, his tone now serious. "I was in a lot of pain, just woken up in a strange place. It’s still imperative to get a message back to the Resistance as soon as possible but... that’s not your burden to bear. I can't thank you enough for your help but I'll try not to ask too much more of you.”

It seemed not only had his physical health improved, but logical thought and patience had returned.

I took my cue to sit on one of the opposite hospital beds, letting my feet dangle over the edge, kicking my shoes off, feet pulsing with gratitude at their release.

“There’s some villagers coming tomorrow,” I started. “They will hopefully have a new comm-tower up and running within the next couple of days. I told them about your droid too, there’s some spare parts in that bag.”

I pointed my hand out to the satchel at Poe’s feet, glancing at the L shaped table beside his bed that I’d set up. BB-8 was sitting on top of it, head and body still separated and now unbolted at separate points, wires haphazardly sticking out in different directions. Falling back into the mattress, I let out an exhausted sigh, relishing the feel of the mattress under my body, even though it had always been horribly stiff.

“I really owe you. The Resistance owes you,” Poe praised after a few moments of silence, as I heard him begin to rummage through the satchel. I held back a frown, even when I knew he wouldn’t be able to catch sight of my face.

_I didn’t do any of this for the Resistance._

It occurred to me then I wasn’t really sure why I’d done it at all. I had always been a sucker for those in poor predicaments, hence why I became a doctor in the first place. But the trek had nothing to do with treatment or medicine. It was purely at the behest of this pilot, who’s charming appearance in the dimmed orange light of the evening made my skin feel hot.

“So how did a girl like you find herself in the middle of nowhere on the Outer Rim?” Poe questioned, fiddling with some of the parts I’d obtained.

I sat back up. “I’m not a _girl_. I’m 28. That’s a little too old to be called _girl_ anymore.”

Poe chuckled, the sound of his laugh both warming and exciting. “I apologise. How did a _woman_ like you end up here?”

“I used to work on Coruscant, that’s where I started my medical training,” I explained, remembering the glittering planet I’d spent much of my young life on. “Then moved into the war relief efforts on medical frigates scattered throughout the galaxy. But treating mostly wounded soldiers day in day out took its toll, with people constantly injured and almost dying for a war they didn’t start.”

I glanced to Poe's expression, seeing a glow of understanding behind his eyes before I continued.

“Plus, there were more than a few times I felt a little redundant. The medical droids they have working there kind of... made my treatment obsolete. I wanted to practice medicine in a place where adequate health care was rare or non-existent. I wanted to help those who were most desperate, who otherwise couldn’t afford it, those who would actually value the care of a live human doctor. So I picked a planet at random, and settled here."

The _random_ part was a utter lie. No one had cared about Raxus since the Clone Wars, and the First Order wouldn’t make it their priority to conquer Outer Rim planets for a while yet. It was a quiet, calm planet with countless refugees fleeing here to make peaceful new lives. They wouldn’t care about me having old, rusty equipment, lower quality bacta or no medical droids. They would just be happy at having a doctor within a day’s trek.

_And no one would think of looking here for a Force user._

Poe studied me in quiet thought for a moment, taking in what I’d divulged.

“Well they're _damn_ lucky, with how nicely you patched me up. You’d run circles around some of the doctors and medical droids at the Resistance base.”

He grinned at me again, earnestly, another attempt to thank me for my work. I felt the pit of my stomach tense, and it wouldn’t retreat, the thought of his smile lingering in my mind even after he’d gone back to his tinkering.

It had to be because I’d been by myself for so long, why I was reacting so strongly to the innocent smiles and compliments of a man I barely knew. I wasn’t used to conversing with men so close in age to my own. Most of the local humans were older, married with children, and I rarely made conversation around any other topic than their illnesses.

“What... uh... Why were you flying over Raxus?” I asked awkwardly.

His eyebrows creased together as he looked back up at me. “Raxus wasn’t my destination, but I... can’t tell you any more than that.”

“Oh…”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you,” he urged. “It’s just, you know, highly confidential.” He seemed apologetic, like he owed me more of an explanation.

I nodded, agreeing that the less I knew about the Resistance and their missions the better.

“Well, you’ll be able to get back to it in a couple of days,” I insisted, breaking the awkward silence that had lingered. “Some time and a little bit more bacta and you’ll be like new again.” A comforting smile formed on my lips.

“Actually, speaking of that,” he started, an uneasy expression now settling in his features. “I was wondering when you were thinking of letting me get out of this bed.”

“Depends on the reason Poe. I’d recommend starting your formal rehab tomorrow at the absolute earliest, otherwise we can get you up and walking if you need to do something… uh… _specific_.” There was no hiding the waver in my voice.

He laughed, louder than he had before, the sound making it difficult for me not to blush. “Aren’t you a doctor? Why are you embarrassed for me to use the bathroom?”

“Hey!” I frowned. “I was trying to save _you_ from being embarrassed.”

He shook his head, still chuckling. “Well I’m alright on _that_ front for now. I was actually hoping to use your refresher. It’s been a few days…”

“Oh of course!”

I’d cleaned him up as much as I could before I’d left, getting rid of his obliterated flight suit and helping change into the bland hospital outfit I reserved for overnighters, but even to myself the idea of a shower with blistering hot water was enticing.

A thought flashed into my mind of steaming water hitting Poe’s sun darkened skin, trickling down his toned body as he lathered himself in soap suds.

_Woah._

_Okay._

_That was new._

It had been such a long time since I’d felt the fire of blood rushing to the lower portion of my abdomen, my insides clenching at the heat that had suddenly ignited.

Poe was looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to continue. I internally shook away the incriminating thoughts before they could be conveyed on my face.

“How about I get that chest tube out first? Then I can help you to the ‘fresher?”

He breathed out in relief. “That would be fantastic.”

I stepped lightly off the hospital bed, walking shoe-less over to my medical trolley and dragged it back beside Poe’s side. And immediately, without me asking, he sat up and began an attempt to pull off his shirt, left arm still bandaged and stiff, right arm enveloped in the cast I’d made and evidently still painful to move.

In a wordless reply, I helped him pull the fabric over his head, now confronted with the image of a half-naked, strikingly handsome man in front of me. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t recognised any of his raw allure when he’d been almost stripped completely bare by my own hands on the night of his crash.

It seemed implausible that I wouldn’t have slightly noted the strong, broadness of his shoulders, his armoured chest littered deliciously with dark hair, carved abdominal muscles tensed in waiting.

I swallowed hard, hoping Poe wouldn’t register my shaking hands as I prepared the tube removal kit. I snipped the sutures around the plastic, then unsteady gloved fingers pulled out the tube as smoothly as I could manage, Poe flinching slightly at the sensation. He continued to look away as I injected some bacta gel into the wound, sealing it closed with a few new sutures and placing a waterproof dressing over the site.

“All done,” I settled. “Like nothing happened at all.” Poe looked back to me and smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. It was obvious he remained troubled by the memories of his crash, and understandably so. I’d seen the same look in many other military personnel, the attempt to put on a brave face when images of fire, blood and terror pierced their thoughts. 

I desperately wanted to take his mind to a brighter place. “So, ready to try walking?”

“Absolutely! Lead the way _doc_.”

_Ugh_. _Eventually I would have to correct him on that_.

I stepped back from the side of the bed, arms stretched in readiness for when he inevitably stumbled.

“ _Please_ take it slowly. Your muscles aren’t going to be pleased with what you’re doing after over two days of bed rest.”

“Sure thing,” Poe scoffed softly.

_Typical male_.

Initially he seemed to take my direction, moving his legs slowly from under the blanket, pain now registering on his features. He swivelled himself sluggishly to let his legs fall over the side of the mattress, breathing slightly heavier to push through the discomfort.

He was leaning more on his left side, right arm hovering over his thigh. Tentatively, he slipped his left foot onto the floor and shifted his weight onto it, pushing his hand into the mattress to help himself up.

Soon he was standing in front of me for the first time since we’d met, and even amongst all the burns, bruises, dressings and bandages, he looked impossibly strong, toned muscles wrapping his form.

He noticed the timid smile form on my lips.

“Hey don’t start laughing at me. I don’t think I could handle my ego being bruised along with the rest of me.”

“Oh... I wasn’t-,” I stumbled, quietly relieved he’d misread the reason behind my smirk.

He held his hand up in protest, grinning. “I was kidding. You’re welcome to laugh at the adult sized toddler learning to walk again.” 

It was difficult not to snicker at his words. “Come on,” I encouraged, smirking. “Just think of how nice that hot water will feel.”

He sighed in agreement and moved, taking a hesitant step onto the previously fractured leg. I swiftly turned frozen with anxiety, even when the logical side of my brain told me both the break and the artery would have stabilised exponentially by now. But the emotional side, the part that remembered the rush of blood that had exploded from the wound site, nagged incessantly at me, harshly insisting that this was a very bad idea.

My eyes were glued to Poe’s figure as he shifted his weight deliberately, muscles tensing at the trigger of pain he was likely feeling, before he made a delicate hop to move back onto his left leg.

Even that one haggard step appeared to take a lot out of him, but he seemed determined, eyebrows already wrinkled in concentration. He continued the process a few times over, my arms still poised in waiting for the foreseeable stumble as I walked backwards. I couldn’t help but hold my breath as he limped, following me out of the clinic room into the hallway that lead to my office, the ‘fresher, and my living quarters all the way at the end.

His steps became faster, more confident, when all of a sudden his balance wavered and he fell.

Reacting quickly, I stepped forward to catch him, arms circling under his own and around his torso, hands now gripping the muscles on his back as he crashed into me. I would have stayed there for a moment, my fingertips registering the warmth radiating off his skin, until I became fully aware where his face had fallen into.

I felt Poe’s heated exhale through the cotton of my white shirt after his face had collided into my chest, directly between my breasts. I felt the twinge in my lower abdomen again, breath hitching in my throat.

He scrambled to push himself back into a standing position, my arms releasing from around him, his hands clamping around my biceps as he fought to reclaim his steadiness again.

“I am _so_ sorry!” he blurted, his face dangerously close to mine, only a small touch of redness visible under his caramel skinned cheeks. I knew my blushing would be much more pronounced.

“It’s okay,” I breathed. “I was waiting for that to happen.”

His eyes widened.

“Not that!” I yelped. “I meant you falling! I was waiting for you to fall!”

Poe’s face illuminated into a beaming grin. “Sure you did.”

I frowned in protest, but couldn’t stop the chuckle escaping my chest.

“Come on, we’re almost there.”

I shifted to face the same way as him now, an arm curling around his torso, angling my body under his own. “How about I help you the rest of the way?”

His hand gripped onto my shoulder, the hardened squeeze making the tensing inside me ripple even faster.

_Focus Alex._

Poe let me support him as he limped down the hallway, and I desperately tried to distance myself from the thoughts that swirled in my mind at being connected so closely.

Eventually we made it into the ‘fresher, a white and grey tiled room with the large, frameless shower enclosure taking up most of the space, the only privacy a plastic curtain that could be pulled across the entire spans of the room. I’d designed it with the idea that there would be enough space to allow me to assist overnighter patient’s in washing themselves, since I didn’t have a nurse to do it for me. Yet, it still gave me the ability to provide some discretion by stepping out past the other side of the curtain, ready to swoop in if I was needed.

And that’s what I’d planned for Poe, knowing he was hardly the type of patient that was going to let me do anything for him if he could help it. Guiding him to the backless shower chair, I released him to his own devices and quickly pulled the curtain across. It was more for my own concealment at this point, needing to take a moment to settle myself down, the memory of his hold still lingering on my skin.

“I’ll be right here if you need any help okay? Everything you need will be on the shelf under the shower start button.”

“Thanks Alex,” he answered, his voice huffing out as I could hear he’d already started to shimmy down his pants.

_Stop imagining it Alex. Stop thinking about him naked, a metre away, behind that thin curtain._

The sound of fast water rushing into the tile floor pulled me back into some impression of reality. I busied myself with organising my own hygienic supplies in the mirrored cupboard, desperately trying to think of anything other than the man hidden from my view, steam swirling around his figure, water dribbling down his bare skin. From behind the screen I heard a pleasant moan leave him, obviously enjoying the hot water battering into his aching muscles for the first time in days.

And with that sound I felt a twinge between my legs, heat swelling and rippling outwards through my body.

_Stars, that was... hot._

It felt so unprofessional, to be tantalized by the thought of a man, _a patient_ , in the middle of basic act of human hygiene. But I couldn’t deny he was more attractive than any patient I’d ever had in my life, and the thought of ripping open the curtain so I could join him was suddenly the most tempting thing in the galaxy.

I locked my hands onto the basin that stood in front of me, trying not to be overwhelmed by the sound of Poe lathering soap between his hands, then sliding over an unseen portion of his body.

It was then I started to pace, hoping the repetitive movement would stop me ruminating over the indecent notions my mind was conjuring. Minutes ticked by too slowly as I waited for him to finish his routine, begging for the irresistible pull of craving to be released from me.

“Hey Alex?” Poe suddenly called.

“What's wrong?” I squeaked, cursing at myself for sounding so startled.

“I actually need some help.”

_Oh maker, why do you do this to me?_

I swallowed hard. “Y-yeah. Sure. Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” he began, voice sounding a little forced. “It’s just... with my left arm still bandaged, and my right arm still in the cast, I can’t wash my hair. I know it’s a little strange, but could you help me out?”

My heart ricocheted inside my rib cage, frolicking at the thought of seeing him soaked in water, fingers raking through his dampened hair.

_Come on Alex, try to keep at least one shred of professionalism._

“Sure,” I agreed, a more competent tone saturating my voice as I withheld my internal fluttering. “Make yourself… uh… decent, and I’ll open the curtain.”

I heard Poe’s movement as he reached for one of the towels that was hanging on the rail nearby and wrapped it around his lower body. The flowing water soon came to a stop, the sudden silence making me feel uneasy.

“Ready.”

I placed myself in front of the curtain between us, his stature only barely visible through the clouded screen. My jaw was locked as I took a deep breath through my nose, meditating in thought, frantically clawing at a sense of calm.

Then I reached towards the plastic, clenched my hand around it, and pulled.


	4. Fun

It was paradise and torture, all rolled into one.

He looked unbearably delicious sitting on the ‘fresher stool, facing away from me, towel draped carefully below his waist. Steam was still rising from the floor around him, making the air heavy as I drew in slow, measured breaths.

He didn’t look up after I stepped past the open curtain, and I could only assume it was because he felt as uneasy as I did. Without much control over myself, my eyes traced the droplets wriggling down his back over his now unwound muscles, wanting nothing more than to draw my fingers over, feel his smooth skin on the tips.

It was all so enticing, and the throb in my core becoming harder to ignore. I had to put so much thought into my movements as I stepped towards the shelf in front of Poe, wondering if he noticed the side glances I attempted to get a better view.

**_Now is not the time Alexys._ **

Somehow that thought shook me back into sensible thinking, realising Poe was in a vulnerable position, and he trusted me enough to see him like this. He wouldn’t want to be gawked at, he genuinely needed assistance in an activity of daily living that he couldn’t accomplish alone.

With a newfound sense of responsibility, I took the shampoo from the shelf and rounded back behind Poe’s head, his hair glistening with moisture, looking at nothing but my hands. He was silent along with me, probably bracing himself for this stranger to mangle their fingers awkwardly into his hair.

I squirted a stream of liquid shampoo on his head, the icy temperature of it making him tense for a moment, noticing when he raised his bandaged hand to grasp the side railing of the chair. Timidly I began to run my fingers through the portion of hair I’d covered in shampoo, building the soap up into a foam, continuing to spread it through the rest of his wettened mop.

I felt a warmth spread through my chest as I drew my fingers in and out, a warmth that felt less salacious and more… _kind_. And it would have stayed that way if Poe hadn’t hummed a low moan in front of me.

_Oh maker, you are not making this easy._

As soon as it bristled past his lips he bolted upright.

“S-sorry,” he stuttered, evidently surprised himself at the sound he’d made. “No one has washed my hair before, I mean if you don’t count my parents when I was a child. It just felt... nice.”

I didn’t respond, making the air hang thick with our silence. Nothing I could say was going to make the moment any less awkward for the both of us.

After briefly stopping the twirling movement of my fingers following the… _sound_ , I continued my lather over his scalp, making sure every particle of dirt, sweat and most likely blood was caught up in the froth of soap.

When content with my work I reached over his shoulder and unhooked the detachable shower head, my eyes still trained on anything other than his bare skin. After angling it down, I pressed the start button on the handle, the flow of water hitting my bare feet as I made sure the water was an acceptable temperature before holding it up to the back of his head, letting the cascade of soapy water rush down his spine.

With my hand I began to guide him to tilt back so I could safely wash out the soap just above his forehead. In this position I could see more of his face, his eyes squeezed tightly shut, eyebrows wrinkled like he was uncomfortable.

“Is the water too hot?” I puzzled, pulling the shower head away.

His eyes opened in a flash, surprised by my question.

“No! Not at all! I was just lost in thought about… Uh… How to fix BB-8. It’s fine, really.” He shifted in the chair, his bandaged arm still gripping onto the rail while his casted arm rested rigidly over his lap. As I moved the water stream back to his hair, his eyes closed again, this time without the tautness I’d noticed before.

After all the shampoo had been thoroughly rinsed I began the process again, only this time with conditioner. I didn’t ask if he actually wanted it, since it was more out of my own habit, but he didn’t stop me when I grabbed the bottle and jetted the thicker liquid into his hair, continuing to slowly massage it into his tresses.

It was actually somewhat relaxing, methodically weaving my fingers to evenly spread the silky lotion to every strand of hair. He moved uneasily again, and I noticed the hand that had been holding the rail was clutching it tightly, his bicep tensed hard.

_Maybe I’m terrible at this._

Deciding it was time to finish this embarrassing experience, I started up the water and rinsed Poe’s head free of conditioner, and noticed the strain washing over his face as he leaned back for me again, like he was trying to hold it back from my view.

I rustled a fresh towel over his scalp, leaving his hair only slightly dampened.

“I’m sorry if I hurt you,” I mumbled. “I’m not that used to washing patients’ hair.”

Poe immediately twisted his torso to look at my face. I gritted my teeth as my eyes registered his contracted abdominals. “What are you talking about? You didn’t hurt me at all.”

My eyes flickered to his arm. “You just seemed really... tense.”

“Uh,” Poe mouthed, the sound muted. I watched his eyes move down to my chest, then back to meet mine, pupils swollen against his brown irises. He didn’t continue. He seemed lost for words.

I followed the trail his eyes had made down to my torso, sucking in an alarmed breath. I’d diverted so much of my thoughts towards Poe that I hadn’t recognised the spray of water that had soaked through my white cotton shirt, my bra now starkly visible through the dampened fabric, the cloth clinging closely to the curves of my breasts, leaving extremely little to imagination.

_Of-fracking-course._

And I laughed. A body shaking cackle that bounced off the tiled walls around us.

Any embarrassment in me had simmered to hilarity at the thought of Poe’s face with my chest readily on show. He began to chuckle along with me, although I wasn’t quite sure if he was laughing with me, or at me.

When his illuminating smile continued to flash at me, I couldn’t help but relish in it for the moments in which we continued to snicker.

When my laughter died down, I sighed, not exactly attempting to cover myself as he’d already seen what I had on display.

“Well I think I’ve done just about as much as I can,” I jested, a smirk still drawn on my lips. “Do you think you can get yourself dressed? There are more night-clothes in the cupboard behind you.”

“I think I can manage,” he grinned back at me, seemingly relieved at the disruption from whatever tension had risen during this whole endeavour.

And with that, I sauntered out from the ‘fresher, closing the door gently behind me. My heart pounded to the beats of memories dashing into my mind, barely able to strangle a coherent understanding of everything I’d felt. It was all I could deliberate on as I entered my living quarters at the end of the hall and changed into new shirt, navy blue this time. My mind desperately tried to collect all the emotions I had experienced in the last 30 minutes and render some form of comprehension from them.

It was clear, I’d grown unprofessionally attached to Poe, so quickly, more than any other human I’d encountered.

**_You like him_.**

It was a simple answer, yet it felt childish, to have developed a juvenile-like crush so soon after our meeting. I knew it was more to do with his appearance than our limited interactions, even though they were still somewhat endearing. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d experienced any of this heart fluttering emotion.

For one, I hadn’t even come close to any sexual desire in over 4 years being so isolated on this planet. On Coruscant, I didn’t have much of a love life to speak of. Studying and eventually working always kept me exceedingly distracted, and no one ever specifically caught my eye.

There were a few men I had that littered my past, but I had yet to experience the all-consuming, overwhelming need for someone that seemed to make people do irrational things, and I knew no-one had ever thought of me in that way.

Only fleetingly had I thought about any type of loneliness during my time on Raxus, and it usually passed as I woke to a new day, my work and my patients being wonderful distractions. I’d become so independent, so self-sufficient, that I never yearned to have someone become the centre of my universe.

**_Come now Alexys. You know that is not the reason why._ **

****

I gripped the sheets at the edge of my bed I had found myself sitting on.

**_You cannot let anyone too close. Not unless you want them to die along with you._ **

Before I could let the voice cause me to dive into the ocean of panic flooding my brain, I heard the ‘fresher door click closed.

“Alex?” Poe called from the hallway.

My feet planted to floor as I stood, letting the anxiety dissipate into the air around me. “Back here Poe.”

I listened to his footsteps plod along the floor as he limped towards my living quarters, along with a few quiet huffs of effort. When he came into view at the entrance he still looked as appealing as before, even without his bare skin on show.

“You live in your clinic?” he questioned, looking around the apartment style quarters I’d constructed with the help of a few locals.

It was simple, efficient. The sizable room had everything a normal home would contain, all pulled into one. Kitchenette and dining table to the left, living room with a small two-seater sofa at the back wall, and my bed and closet to the right. A door leading to an ensuite ‘fresher was in the far right corner, one I only used if an overnighter patient was with me.

“It’s so I can still monitor a patient’s condition when they’re unable to return home yet. Remember, I’m the only doctor for thousands of kilometres.” I motioned to the holoscreen on my bedside table that would usually be displaying the vitals for any patients connected to monitor lines. There were only flat lines and zeros there now.

Poe cocked his head. “You don’t ever stop do you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Being a doctor, looking after people. Even in your own quarters you’re still in that mode.” He hobbled further into the room, taking in the space around him.

“I’m sure you’re the same with your work for the Resistance,” I retorted.

“True,” he conceded. “Being in the middle of a war tends to do that to people.”

I couldn’t hold back a cynical snort.

His eyebrows crinkled together. “What did _that_ mean?”

_Kriff. I wish I hadn’t done that._

“I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Just tell me,” he grumbled.

I pressed my lips into a hard line. I didn’t really want to start a heated discussion about the futility of this war with a _Resistance_ pilot. But from the interactions I’d had with Poe so far, I doubted he was going to let this go.

“It’s just… Don’t you see the pointlessness of it all? Sure, even after your fleet was decimated before the Battle of Crait, if by some miracle you can rally some allies together and overcome the First Order, who are now led by a _critically_ mentally unstable dark force user – how long will it be before another enemy rises up, or your new leaders become the same ruthless dictators themselves?

“People are fickle. They _change_. They do whatever they believe in at the time. Their emotions rule them beyond anything else, and because of that they can be manipulated so easily. People who once swore fealty to one side can be dragged onto the other. And that’s even without the Force, which makes everything so more complicated, and _dangerous_. The cycle never ends. There will always be more war, more fighting, more innocent deaths.”

Poe stared at me, bewildered. I hadn’t meant to go on such a dramatic tangent, but he seemed to have popped the lid of a shaken-up soda bottle with his question.

“You think it’s pointless to fight back against the First Order? People who conquer or destroy planets simply for more power? You’d rather we let them do as they please, letting _billions_ of innocent people die?”

“No of course not-” I started, already regretting every word I’d said.

“But that’s what you just implied, isn’t it? How can a _doctor_ have such a bleak view of the galaxy?”

I sighed harshly, more at myself for opening my big mouth.

“I’m just a realist Poe. People fight, we can’t help it. And those with the most power will fight to keep it, no matter how. I’ve just… I’ve seen too many people die, or damaged for the rest of their lives, for me to ever think that war can ever guarantee peace.”

“You don’t think I’ve seen people, _my friends_ , die or horribly injure themselves? You don’t think I’ve seen what war does? Yet I still want to keep on fighting. For the people that I’ve lost, who gave their lives for the rest of us, and the people I could save. Because people deserve a galaxy without a tyrant like _Kylo Ren_ deciding who should live and who should die. But somehow, in your eyes, you still think it’s pointless to even try?”

_Maybe it was me who shook up the soda bottle_.

I didn’t have any type of acceptable answer. It was rude of me to point out the flaws of war with someone who had risked their life, and most likely come close to death because of it.

I sat back down on the edge of the bed. “I’m… sorry Poe. It’s not my place to give my opinion on matters like that. I truly apologize if I offended you.”

I glanced up from twiddling fingers to see his delicately confused expression. He exhaled loudly, as he wobbled painfully to one of the chairs of the circular dining table across the room from my bed, straightening his injured leg out to rest it.

“I’m sorry too," he said softly. “I’ve been living my life with the Resistance for so long that I forgot there might be people who don’t believe in the cause like we do.”

“It makes sense,” I remarked. “Sometimes you get caught up in the bubble of the world around you, it’s hard to see beyond it.”

He nodded. “Absolutely.”

We sat in silence for a moment, both letting the heated exchange dry out into passing memories. Poe continued to peer around the room, his eyes scanning with a subtle scrutiny.

“So what do you do when you’re not being a doctor?” he asked, the fierceness from before completely replaced by his normal cheerful tone.

“You mean in my free time?”

“Yeah. Do you have anything that keeps your mind away from all that... _doctor_ work?”

I felt my face crinkle into confusion. “I… I don’t really.”

His expression mirrored mine. “You don’t have any hobbies? Something you do just for fun?”

“Uh…” I started, raking through my brain for anything I did out of the realm of my work. “Huh. I guess I don’t. I may just be the most boring person alive.”

Poe chuckled, and shook his head softly. “That’s definitely not true.” He met my eyes and gave me a comforting grin. “You’re just hyper-focused on your work. Trust me, I get that. Sometimes all I even dream about are war council sessions and my ship interface. But you’ve got to switch off eventually, otherwise you’ll go insane.”

I was slightly dubious at that sentiment, since I’d made it over 4 years without slipping into insanity, but it was Poe’s question about fun that made me take check.

I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I had _fun_ , when I felt joy in something other than making ill people better again.

Poe could see my face begin to fall.

“Hey come on, let’s try now. You’ve only got me as a patient, and I am in no need for your treatment right now. Think of something you used to do, or always wanted to, and we can do it together.”

His eagerness to help me was making my heart swell. “Uh... sure. Okay.”

Poe nodded once without speaking, urging me silently to search through my mind for an idea. But it was hard to think when I kept looking at his face, which now melted into an enthusiastic smile. I made my eyes glare at my feet, since they would be significantly less distracting while I attempted to think of a supposedly _fun_ activity.

Even when I’d finished my work for the day, on the rare occasion I had no overnighters staying with me, I simply returned to these quarters to have dinner and prepare myself for sleep. In the moments between, all I tended to do was read over current news and research on my data pad, sometimes flicking through medical texts if I was stumped on how to deal with a patient’s condition, especially when it came to rarer alien species.

Generally, I would be so tired from the day that I never needed to pass my time with anything remotely hobby based. My focus would be to eat, use the ‘fresher and settle into an easy slumber.

And all of a sudden, I realised how monotonous it all was.

Poe saw me struggling, although probably not knowing it was at the realisation that I had no idea what _fun_ was anymore.

“Okay, how about games? Surely you’ve played at least one holo or card game in your life?”

“Well yeah, but that was years ago, and I don’t have any-”

I stopped mid-sentence, the flicker of a memory rising into my mind’s view. “Wait here a second.”

I hopped up from my bed and made my way to the office, switching on the light, illuminating the room. A large wooden desk sat in the centre of the room, littered with old patient notes I had been in the middle of updating when my life had been so suddenly interrupted with Poe’s appearance.

I ignored them to walk towards the storage cupboard behind it. It took a few minutes of rummaging through stacks of files and old pieces of obsolete medical equipment to find what I’d come in here for. A small, rectangular, sleek metal case the size of my two hands, snatching it from the shelf I’d mindlessly placed it on nearly 3 years ago.

Bringing it back with me into my quarters, I quickly sat at the dining chair to the left of Poe, who turned to face me with a look of intrigue. I opened the case then, exposing the contents inside.

“An old patient of mine gifted this to me, promised to teach me how to play. He… uh… never got the chance to.”

I let my mind wander in the memory of the older gentleman who had been struck down with Quannot’s syndrome, only lasting a few days before his unavoidable death. I recalled how much I mourned his passing, distressed at how little I could do to ease his pain before he left this world. 

“Sabbac!” Poe identified, interrupting my sombre reminiscing.

I shook myself back into the current reality. “You know how to play?”

“Of course, almost every being in the galaxy knows how,” he scoffed. Only after he noticed me shifting awkwardly in my seat did he realise what he’d said. “Uh, sorry. Come on, I’ll teach you.”

He continued to pull the cards out of the case, laying them out face up in a specific order.

“Okay, so this is the Flask suit...”

*

If we were playing for real money, Poe would have put me in the red.

“23? Again? You’re definitely cheating,” I disputed, huffing into my seat, not for the first time of the evening. After I’d grasped the basic concept of the game, we’d played for hours, time passing quickly in the midst of bluffing and strategy.

Poe was evidently enjoying the immaturity of my tantrum, laughing softly as he pulled the last of my chips towards his already immense pile.

“I guess beginner’s luck didn’t really work out for you in this case,” he sniggered.

I pouted, watching him stack the chips neatly in coloured towers. “Well, I’m out. You took me for all I’ve got.”

“But didn’t you have fun?”

I nodded and grinned, conceding even when I’d been horrendously beaten, but was a combination of both him and the game we’d played that made me feel an unfamiliar contentment warm my body.

I eyed him marvelling his chips, an expression of pride filling his features. “You really like winning, don’t you?”

“Being with the Resistance, you kind of get used to savouring the wins when they occur. Doesn’t happen exceedingly often.”

His thoughts seemed to drift away, and somehow in his face I knew he was pondering over the state of affairs back at the base with him missing.

“I have no doubt they’ll be searching day and night for you,” I interjected, hoping I guessed correctly.

Poe attempted a smile, but it left his face when a large sigh breathed past his lips.

“I’m doing my best not to worry. The people there, they’re all smart and capable, but we had a plan… and I haven’t been able to see it through. We were running out of time as it is. I can only imagine how concerned they'll be after not receiving a report in over two day cycles.”

“It’ll be okay,” I said softly, tentatively placing a hand on his upper arm, above where I’d placed the plastic cast. “I know it sounds kind of… naïve, but when I’m overwhelmed, especially in my work, I break everything down into smaller problems, and try to face the most pressing one. The big picture doesn’t matter, it’s all about solving the most concerning challenge at the time. And little by little, the whole situation becomes easier to cope with.”

Poe studied at me, his face unreadable. “Yeah, that does sound a little naïve. But… I like it.”

“It worked for me when I was trying to save you.” I gave his arm a reassuring squeeze.

Poe didn’t respond. He seemed to ruminate in his own mind, his mouth in a forced, hard line. I watched as his eyes glanced down to where my palm rested around his bicep, then back up to me.

His gaze was suddenly heated, smouldering, so intense it locked me into place, a ribbon of flames darting through my veins. I noticed the speckles of gold hidden through his irises, as it occurred to me how close our bodies had become during the time spent sitting at the dining table. The air around us felt dense, the only sound I could register my own gradual breathing.

Poe's vision wouldn’t move from mine, his blazing stare a stark difference from the rest of his softened features. It felt as if his movements were in slow motion, the way he lifted his bandaged arm, a hand reaching up to my face.

I remained unmoving, even when my entire being began to flicker with electricity, igniting sparks at every nerve ending on my skin.

Fingertips finally touched my cheek, grazing over it so delicately, yet still making the energy glowing through me intensify, as if it were trying to break free from my body.

Poe began to lean closer, and unconsciously I mirrored his movement, wanting nothing more in this moment than to feel his lips on mine.

**_Stop this Alexys. Stop it now._ **

****

The voice caused me to jerk backwards, pulling myself away from Poe’s touch, rising abruptly out of the chair.

“This is… this is inappropriate,” I peeped, before I rushed directly to my ensuite ‘fresher, clicking the door behind me. My back pressed against the door, sliding slowly down until my rear hit the tiled floor.

I could still feel the heat of Poe’s fingertips on my cheek, a painful reminder of what I’d run away from. But the echo of what the voice had demanded still rattled through me, and I knew it was right. I knew I couldn’t let myself get too close to him; I couldn’t give in to the sudden desire that had shimmered inside my chest.

It would cost me my safety, my work, my purpose of being. I’d risked everything to get here, given up all I knew of home, and I wouldn’t let that all be in vain on the whim of my emotions.

There was no way to stop it, the lone tear that strolled down my cheek. It was a mere fraction of the sobs I wanted to express, both despair and frustration gripping me in a strangling hold.

With shaking palms held front of me, I traced each creased line in the flesh with my eyes. Not for the first time, I cursed at the energy that flowed through them, that I unlocked from the depths of my consciousness and healed those who needed it the most, those who would have otherwise died when even the greatest medical care couldn’t save them.

I’d kept it hidden for my whole life, the Force that I’d been born with and couldn’t escape from. I’d concealed it from everyone, including my parents, keeping a far enough distance to hold my secret within my mind.

Only two outcomes came with the exposure of my gift, if you could call it that. One being I would be recruited, trained as a Jedi and guilted by the Resistance into a war I didn’t believe in. The other being found by the Sith, or any kind of dark side user, and killed for showing any type of prowess with the Force like so many younglings before, or swayed into the war to fight on behalf of them.

There was no way either side would allow me to slip from their grasp once they knew. They would never tolerate my neutrality and let me stay here in the countryside of an Outer Rim planet, doing exactly what I wanted to do. Heal people.

_Why me? Why did his have to happen to me?_

**_Because you do not want it._ **

****

_That’s cruel._

**_Such is life._ **

****

*

I wasn’t sure how long I spent sitting on the ‘fresher floor, ceaselessly on the verge of tears, yet never allowing the emotion to fully break. A creeping feeling of humiliation had started to filter in a short time ago as I recounted over and over how abruptly I ran away from Poe.

My eyes hadn’t caught the glimpse his face after I wrenched myself away from his hand, yet all I could do was imagine it now, features struck with shock and rejection. I’d barely heard him leave my quarters after I’d shut myself away, faintly recalling his right leg still making a larger thumping sound when he walked out into the hallway, closing the door behind him.

That memory had taken place hours ago, and my body was beginning to ache after another large portion of time connected to hard tile.

The only thing I wished for now was the comfort of my bed, to sleep away this evening and wake to a fresh day. But I couldn’t. There was still a patient to look after. I needed check on Poe’s condition, check vitals, make sure his wounds were still healing. For my own benefit, I would rather wait for the morning when some of the lingering awkwardness would have dissipated, but there was no possibility of sleep without being sure he was still in good health.

Plus, I hadn’t told him about the food supplies that were waiting in the clinic cupboard. Being so distracted by playing cards I'd never made us dinner, and he needed all the nutrients he could get to heal properly.

With a fragile resolve to get it all done and over with, I peeled myself from my sitting position, joints popping at the movement after being inactive for so long. I peered slowly through the door, on the small chance Poe was out there waiting to greet me, but it was just the empty quarters that filled my view.

For a reason I couldn’t discern, I began to tread lightly towards the hallway door, the stillness of night sending a quick shiver down my spine. Before opening it I glanced back at my chronometer on the bedside table. _0200_.

_He was probably asleep by now_.

There was a hesitation that washed through me, knowing if that was true I shouldn’t go poking him awake just to assess basic vitals. But the urge to check on him was too strong, pushing me to step into the hallway, tip-toeing cautiously over the floor.

I was halfway down when I heard Poe’s low exhale echo through the passageway.

_Hm, maybe he was dreaming._

My movements halted, waiting for another sound to confirm my guess. Soon enough, a louder sigh floated towards my ears, tainted with an emotion I couldn’t name.

I continued to tread ever so lightly towards the clinic entrance, noticing the lights had been shut off except for the lamp at Poe’s bedside softly illuminating the room. I shifted carefully closer, almost at the doorway, Poe’s relaxed breaths still filling my ears as I took my nimble steps towards the noise.

When a low, breathy moan swirled into the air, my body froze.

The fire in my lower abdomen crackled to life at the sound, making my limbs heavy, locking me where I stood, hidden from view.

Another moan, louder this time, rumbled past Poe’s lips, and I savoured the way it hit my body. My hearing strained to collect every wavelength of sound coming from just outside the hallway entrance. There was movement, a rustling of fabric of some sort, a slight creak of the bed frame.

I could feel my throat growing tighter, fearful of my breath alerting him to my presence, as the realisation of what was happening, what he was doing, finally dugs its claws into my skin.

Poe groaned in pleasure as I began to recognise the sound of a repetitive slippery motion over flesh, the flames inside me bursting into an inferno, the fever hottest between my legs.

I leant my back on the hallway wall closest to Poe’s hospital bed, fearing my knees would buckle underneath me. His breathing became faster, more passionate, as the pace of his movement grew more rapid.

Inside my mind, I was bombarded with hypothetical images of his body in the next room, a strong hand gripped tightly around the shaft of his length, shifting up and down. The gasps he continued to make fell into time with my imagination, the sound of skin making a slicking friction keeping rhythm with the urgent pumping of his hand I began to visualise with impeccable realism.

My fingernails scraped at the wall, eyelids shut tightly while Poe’s delicious moans sent shockwaves through my circulatory system as each one escaped his chest. I’d never felt so much desire in my life, knowing if I caught any other male in this vulnerable position I would have scuttled away quickly, mortified.

Yet the reality of Poe touching himself a few metres away, not knowing I was here listening to his rising pleasure, made an urgent craving throb between my legs, one that _needed_ to be relieved. _Now_.

Little care had been paid to my sexual needs in the last 4 years on this planet. Suddenly, it felt like I had to give into it otherwise I might die.

Poe’s breath hitched, a sharp inhale indicating he was getting closer to his peak. That singular noise made me slip my hand down past the border of my leggings and under my panties, sliding a finger down in between my folds. A slick moisture was waiting for me, more than I had ever felt in previous encounters.

Dragging two fingers through it, preparing myself, Poe’s groans became hungrier, desperate. As soon as I began touching myself, fingers gliding gently over my swollen clit, the flames fizzled, only to be replaced with an immense sparkle of electricity radiating from low in my core.

I inhaled sharply, like Poe had done, and hoped he was too lost in his own pleasure to notice the sound I’d made. When the steady noise of his hand running smoothly over his shaft continued without pause, I knew I’d not broken my cover.

My thoughts intensified to him, clearly envisioning his arm tensing as he held himself within his grasp, his chest bare with muscles contracting along with his motion, a thin layer of sweat glistening on his skin.

Fingertips slid quickly back and forth over my pleasure point as I pictured his face contorted in both effort and enjoyment, his mouth opening only slightly as luscious groans seeped from his throat.

I gritted my teeth to stop from moaning myself, an undeniable bliss growing stronger with each swirling motion. My chest heaved through silent breaths that I couldn’t articulate with noise, mind muddled with overwhelming images of every part of Poe’s body that I so desperately wanted to see with my own eyes.

But I refused to move. I didn’t want to break the course of the moment, wishing nothing more than to hear the sound of his release, knowing it would push me into my own. He wasn’t rushing into it, almost as if savouring this time alone, moans rising only to fall as he slowed his pace again.

I didn’t do the same.

The circling over my clitoris continued to accelerate, tiny instances of my waiting climax peeking their way out every so often, telling me I was getting closer to falling over the edge.

My legs were shaking, being held up by pure resolve to prevent any noise resonating from my body. Poe was speeding up his movement again, but this time he didn’t slow, stuttered sighs escaping his chest, and it hastened my climbing pleasure. I was close, I could feel the tipping point bubbling under the surface of my skin.

Slowly, I heard him growl a few barely comprehensible words.

“ _Oh_ … _Alex_... _yes_...”

My release abruptly exploded through me at the sound of my name on his lips, pleasure pulsing in overflowing waves over every portion of my flesh. Front teeth bit hard into my bottom lip, preventing the howl I desperately wanted to scream. It was the most intense sensation I’d ever felt, sparks flickering in both the deepest part of my core and the nerves of my limbs, making me shiver in delight.

Quickly, I was all too sensitive, pulling my fingers away, eyeing the sheen of moisture that covered them. My attention was again caught in Poe’s moaning, as he too reached his peak, muted gasps coming in jolts as he finally _came_ , obviously attempting much like me not to make any excessive noise.

Eventually he began to heave in relief, breaths hissing gradually through his teeth. We both stayed in our positions for a minute or so, relishing in the afterglow of our separate orgasms, the flames I’d felt down below settling into smouldering embers.

I was mulling over the pleasure I’d gone without for years, when I heard Poe rustle in his bed, feet softly plodding on the floor. It took two steps for me to finally realise.

_He’s coming this way._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Props to you if you've found this fic among the many and kept reading it. You're on my cool list!  
> This chapter was a long journey to write, I'm still so new to fanfiction writing and learning as I go. Hopefully it will get more refined in chapters to come.  
> This is actually my first attempt at any type of smut, my apologies if it's a little cringey or too full of cliches. I think I've got a good story to play out, but I'm still just learning how to type it out into an enjoyable one.  
> Much love!


	5. Bubble

I scurried away as lightly as my feet could take me, heart thumping as I made it to the other side of my quarter’s door. Holding my breath, I listened as Poe shuffled down the hallway, waiting for him to knock on the wooden shield I was hiding behind, exposing his knowledge of what I’d done. But it never came, as I heard his hobbling steps enter the ‘fresher, water hissing out of the tap.

_Thank the stars, maybe I’m safe._

I hurried to shut off any remaining light sources in my quarters, climbing into my bed and burying my face under the sheets. Holding myself in frozen silence, I strained to hear the rushing water stop, and muffled uneven footsteps pace back down the hallway.

Realisation of what had just happened started to settle into my brain. What I’d heard him do. What I’d done. What he’d said.

_He was thinking of me._

A blush prickled my cheeks, the heat in my lower abdomen dulled but still noticeable. I tried desperately not to think of what could have happened if we’d kissed earlier, if I hadn’t pulled away so sharply. It nagged at me, this sudden desire damning me for not giving in to the urges that had ignited from Poe’s presence. I would have known what his skin felt like connected to mine, I would have known the smell of his sweat, I would have known what his lips tasted-

**_Stop doing this to yourself. It will only hurt more._ **

My eyes squeezed shut, obeying what the voice told me. I began to make a list of everything I had to carry out when the next day broke, the patients that had standing appointments, the treatment notes I had still yet to finish.

Being in my own bed for the first time in days made it easier for me to drift off into a quiet slumber.

*

When my chronometer buzzed at 0700 I groggily opened my eyes to the new morning, wishing I’d had more than 4 and a half hours’ worth of sleep. I nuzzled my face into the pillow for a few moments, hoping for nothing more than to extend my peaceful resting.

But my first consultation was set to take place within the hour, and I still had to make time to do the vitals check on Poe that had to be… _rescheduled_. I felt the pang of embarrassment and heat spread quickly through my chest at the memories, rustling it down into the back of my consciousness quickly. I needed to start focusing on my work again.

_No more distractions_.

Pulling myself up slowly from the bed, my eyes glanced outside the window to the still rising sun, rays of light now pouring in past the clear glass and hitting me with a subtle warmth as I moved my legs over the side of the mattress. I allowed myself to bask in it for a minute or two, hoping it would somehow invigorate my enthusiasm for the day ahead. 

_No such luck._

As I made my way into the ensuite fresher my reflection came into view, and it was obvious within my face the exhaustion that was blurring my mind.

Copper hair was beginning to unravel out of the low plait I spent most days wearing, errant strands stuck to the skin my forehead. A rosiness has settled into my cheeks, starkly contrasted to the rest of my porcelain face, another indication of the minimal sleep I’d had.

My eyes were slightly droopy, hazel irises only half visible. Sluggishly, I took the elastic holding together the weaves of my plait and shook the hair free, fingers combing through to soften out the knots created from tossing in the night.

Slipping off my clothes, I stepped into the shower, pressing the start button to an instant rush of molten water, basking in the sensation of the pressured stream massaging my aching muscles. I hadn’t realised how sore I was from the long trek I’d completed for Poe, but it was all too noticeable now when my body pulsed in delight from the searing heat flowing into my skin.

After freshening up to my normal state of being, donning my usual work attire of light blue pin striped button up blouse and deep navy slacks, I worked to reform my hair into a loose plait that sat over my shoulder, twisting the strands smoothly down my chest.

I soon busied myself with making a quick breakfast of eggs and torched bread. Yet another thing I’d neglected for Poe was my hunger, having not eaten since the snack I consumed on the road home almost a whole day cycle ago. It made me eat my breakfast ravenously, reminding myself to make sure Poe ate something after I checked his vitals, knowing he was probably feeling much the same appetite.

It took me a few minutes of hesitation before I could push myself to walk out of my quarters. I was nervous to face him, not only due to the way we parted, but also for how I’d caught him hours later. How was I supposed to not blush after hearing the way he moaned my name? How was I not supposed to refrain from thinking about the way it had made me _come_ instantly?

**_He’s your patient. Just treat him like anybody else._ **

That’s the thought that ricocheted through my mind as I paced down the hallway, steady breaths preparing me for the rush of bashfulness that I knew I wouldn’t be able to avoid. When I rounded the corner, I saw the hospital drapes had been closed to shield Poe’s bed from my view, moving closer to hear the relaxed sounds of his breathing muffled through them.

_Damn, he was still sleeping._

I had been hoping he would already be awake, simply to avoid the awkward disturbance of restful sleep. I hated it, hated shaking patients into consciousness just to prod them with medical equipment, and I could always tell they despised me for it. But there was no other option. I had put this off for long enough.

I pushed my fingers through the drapes’ opening and slowly forced them apart, thinking Poe’s eyes would immediately open at the rattling of metal rings against the rail. But as my eyes scanned his body, then his face, he was still snoozing soundly. And it was anything but elegant.

He laid on his back, diagonal across the length of the mattress, his uninjured leg poking out from the sheets and foot completely free from the support of the bed. His casted arm was resting on his stomach, hand reached under his night shirt, making it expose his lower abdominal muscles and the flickers of dark body hair trailing down from his navel. His bandaged arm was flung backwards over his pillow, face pressed into the cloth covered bicep, mouth hanging open, chest slowly rising and falling in his deep slumber. I wanted to giggle, but settled for a quick smirk before moving to the bedside his head was facing.

Placing hand on his shoulder, I shook him gently. “Poe?”

He rustled only slightly, mouth closing and forming into what I could only conceive as a smile.

“Poe?” I called to him again, the pressure on his shoulder harder this time. “It’s time to wake up.”

“Alex?” he breathed sweetly, eyelids still not unlocked. The way he said my name made my chest tighten. I barely had time to process it when his eyes suddenly flitted open. I saw his pupils widen on the registering of my face not far from his. He recoiled almost instantly, neck sprouting upwards from the pillow in surprise, quickly jerking his head around to survey his surroundings.

“I’m sorry to wake you,” I said tenderly as he rushed himself back into a normal lying position. “It’s just… I need to take your vitals and check how those burns are healing.”

He shook his head rapidly in an attempt to rid himself of the morning haze. “Sure,” he coughed, voice gravelly. “Go for it.”

I pulled the leads from their hooks on the wall and positioned them on him, both of us pitted in silence. He wouldn’t look at me as I waited for the results to appear, instead staring straight at his feet, struggling to hold down the irritability that wanted to show in his face.

“You’re not much of a morning person, are you?” I observed, failing to stifle a laugh.

He simply shook his head, still not letting his eyes deviate. “I usually am. This morning… not so much.”

“Did you not sleep very well?” I began to enter his stable vitals onto my datapad, writing a few notes detailing his recovery so far.

His jaw tightened. “I didn’t get to sleep until pretty late.”

“Oh,” I breathed, urgently trying to abate the rush of blood to both my cheeks and in between my legs. “Were you in pain? Hungry? I’m sorry I didn’t come and check on you.”

I wasn’t about to tell him that I’d tried and failed. I didn’t want to embarrass the both of us by reciting how I managed to catch him in such a… _vulnerable_ position, but I still felt the need to apologise.

“ _You’re_ sorry?” he puzzled, eyes finally reaching mine as I sheepishly looked up from my datapad.

“Well… um… yeah,” I faltered. “What happened last night-”

“Stop,” Poe interrupted, his expression finally softening. “Stop apologising. I’m the one who should be asking for forgiveness.”

“But I-”

“Alex.” Poe stopped me as I started to unravel the edge of his bandage. “I shouldn’t have been so… forward. You were right. It was inappropriate. You’re... my doctor, and I shouldn’t have put you in such an uncomfortable position.” He smiled remorsefully, a tinge of shame flickering in his bronzed irises, yet his jaw was still taut, and I could sense there was still more waiting on his tongue.

But I didn’t want to pursue it further than that. I didn’t want to get caught in the black hole of wondering why he’d felt so strongly in that moment to kiss me.

“Let’s just both be sorry and forget it ever happened,” I smiled.

He reciprocated my soft grin. “Sounds great.”

But neither of us were going to forget about it. Not really.

*

“Thanks so much Miss Jago!”

I waved my midday patients off from the front entrance, the burnt, crumbling ruins of Poe’s X-wing still disturbing my view of the Raxus countryside now brightly illuminated in the heat of the noontime sun.

“See you in a month!” I called as the small children, twin siblings, scurried to catch up with their parents who had already begun their several hour journey home. As much as their monthly visits warmed me, I hated they had to make it so often. But it was necessary to treat the musculoskeletal disease they had been born with that slowly ate away at their muscles. They were mere infants when their parents had brought them to my door, tiny little bodies wasting away for an undiscernible reason. Thankfully with my diagnosis, regular check-ups, injections and medication, I’d helped them grow into normal little kids.

_This was the impact I wanted on the world._

I’d left Poe to his own devices after finalising my assessment of his injuries. His X-rays indicated adequate signs of healing, most of his wounds were mere red lines, and the severe burn on his left arm had healed extensively, so much so that I hadn’t needed to replace the bandage over his skin.

It was still obvious he’d sustained damage, but the scarring that had taken the place of the seared flesh looked like it had been healing for a long time. I knew in my bones that it wasn’t the bacta that did all that work, and hoped yet again Poe wouldn’t somehow come to that realisation.

“Huh, I thought you said there was third degree burns under there,” he had questioned, still seeming impressed.

“There was,” I answered shortly. “Bacta and time does the trick.”

He hadn’t inquired beyond that, once again accepting bacta as a wondrous miracle cure. Which it was, but not to this extent.

I stepped back into the clinic room and returned to my computer, typing a few last notes into the twins’ file.

“They were cute,” Poe chirped across the room, sitting at the portable desk I’d provided for him to continue working on BB-8 while I was with patients.

“I’ve been seeing them since they were babies,” I said flatly, still concerned with my inputting.

“I can tell,” he added. “They actually seem excited about coming to the doctor. Didn’t even cry when you gave them the needles. They must like you.”

I hoped he was too far away to see the manifestation of a stroked ego display on my face.

Hitting enter on the last of my records, I stood out of the chair to make my way to Poe’s makeshift workstation. “How’s the repairs coming along on your little friend?”

“Slow,” he huffed. “Especially with my arm still in this cast.” He looked up at me then, asking a silent question.

“No,” I stated sharply. “The cast isn’t coming off until tomorrow.”

He made a playful attempt at a frown and returned his concentration to the complicated weave of wire and metal in front of him. Humans, and most aliens, seemed a lot less complicated to fix than this.

“The crash really messed him up bad huh?” I noted, kind of too obviously.

“Yeah, but his circuits seem to be a little more fried than I would have expected. He’s got big impact dents, a decent amount of smoke and fire damage, but that doesn’t really explain a lot of the wiring damage I’m seeing in here.” Poe pointed to the domed inside of BB’s head, a maze of tiny circuit boards connected to an absolute mess of melted copper wires.

I didn’t have a very educated mind concerning robotics, but still made my guess anyway. “Electrical sparks maybe?”

“Hm,” Poe hummed. “It seems that way. Although hardly anything that would have been caused by fire or ejection into a concrete wall.” He was deep in thought again, attempting to precisely pull apart the wires with fine pliers. But he was right, the cast did impinge on the proper use of his hand.

“How about a break?” I chimed, truly believing he needed it.

He raised an eyebrow. “What kind of break?”

“A break from this, using your brain and uh… hands.” I tried to smile cheerfully but it felt a little more like pity. “We could go for a walk, get your rehabilitation started.”

Poe’s eyes sparkled at my suggestion. “Oh thank _the maker_ , I thought you were never letting me out of here.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’ll take that as a yes then?”

“Absolutely!”

*

It took an infuriatingly long time to convince Poe to use any type of walking aid, outright refusing the z-frame, harshly snubbing the bilateral crutches, only begrudgingly accepting to use the walking cane he was leaning on now as he finally got a chance to inspect the remnants of his near-fatal crash landing.

“I made it out of that,” he said faintly, and I couldn’t decipher whether it was a question.

“Just,” I reminded him.

He turned to look at me, eyes widened, glowing with disbelief. “Have I said thank you enough yet?”

“You’re getting there,” I chuckled. “You’re just lucky you crashed on _my_ doorstep. Who knows what would have happened otherwise…”

I knew. He’d be dead. Yet fate had allowed him to be found by a trained war trauma doctor, one who had the trump card of an adeptness in using a rarely documented, and hidden, gift. 

“Lucky is right,” he mused, the shimmer in his eyes not having faded yet.

“Come on, let’s get you walking.”

I turned in the direction of the north village’s path, stepping in relaxed strides as to not tempt Poe into further straining himself. He followed my instruction, limping beside, albeit much less unsteady than he’d been without the cane.

We were quiet as I allowed him to focus on the task of walking, not wishing to distract him from learning how to safely put one foot in front of the other again. Soon he had settled into a steady rhythm, and I glanced sideways to see Poe’s face finally survey his surroundings.

Luscious green fields rolled out in every direction in front of us, large plots of land lined with wheat grass and varying vegetation, all separated by short, rustic wooden fences. Trees dotted the path we took, tall and flourishing from years of undisturbed growth. I could hear the canaries whose nests littered their branches start to chitter at the sound of our footsteps, many high-pitched chirps fluttering from under the cover of shrubbery.

“It’s beautiful here,” Poe marvelled, his face almost as bright as the sun that shone over us. “I can see why you picked this place.”

I smiled warmly. “I did a small amount of research.”

_Hours and hours._

“Evidently. Although, a thought did come to me…”

“Hm?”

Poe was quiet for a few beats as we strolled slowly along the gravel path, then asked, “Why didn’t you bring anyone with you? Why do this all alone? Don’t you miss your family?”

_Kriff. Pulling out all the difficult questions._

“Well… I suppose I’ve always worked best alone. Even through my training I found it would take me less time to come to the correct answer or work through a procedure if I didn’t have anyone interrupting me.”

I stopped with a realisation of how the words spilled out my mouth. “Uh… did that sound too conceited?”

Poe chuckled lowly. “A little. But I understand. Some people are just wired that way.”

I laughed with him in response, hoping he would forget the rest of his queries.

“Alright, I can understand the lack of co-workers. But what about family? Raxus is an incredibly far place to travel from Coruscant. I can’t imagine you simply cut all ties and left one day to live in the Outer Rim, alone.”

Yet that was the cold reality, the truth that lingered through every day I spent on this planet.

“Are you okay?”

Poe had noticed the shift in my mood, the subtle pain in my expression.

I nodded with a smile that didn’t dissolve into the rest of my face.

“They understood. They just wanted me to be happy.”

I swallowed slowly, focusing all my concentration on keeping the tears from forming at my eyes.

_I never got to say goodbye._

_I needed to get off this subject fast before I broke._

“What about _your_ parents, don’t you miss them while flying to every corner of the galaxy for the Resistance?”

Poe stopped suddenly, myself following suit, and he smirked a little, as if being reminded of his family gave him comfort.

“I do. My father is on Yavin 4, lending a hand to the civilian defence of the colony I grew up in. And my mother…”

Poe eyes softened as he reminisced, the smile never fading from his lips. “She passed when I was 8, so I’ve... missed her for a long time. And I’m sure she misses me from wherever she is now.”

Our eyes met, a swirl of profound soothing energy radiating between us under the midday sun. He didn’t know it, but the shared feeling of loss in the family we would never be able to see again was a comfort to me, to know someone else sensed the weight of grief on their shoulders too.

We were still for a few moments, eyes locked yet both ruminating within our own minds, until our footsteps simultaneously crackled on the ground again. As we walked, I could almost feel a tangible stripping of the hardened layers I’d built over years to frame my consciousness, never daring to let anyone get too close to the core, the truth.

But the way he spoke without hesitation of consequences, the way he so willingly trusted me, the lightness that it made me feel, I couldn’t help but want to mirror his energy. I wanted to let him in.

**_You’ll regret it._ **

****

_You know what? I don’t care._

*

At first we talked of our childhoods, recounting the differences between the sprawling, artificial cityscape of Coruscant, and the vast jungles and rainforests that encompassed Yavin 4. Poe spoke of climbing Massassi trees with his father, attempting to learn how to track Woolamanders by scent alone, and his first hazy memories of sitting on his mother’s lap, playing with the controls of an X-wing.

My memories were more rudimentary by far, as I recalled my schooling in classes of hundreds, learning how to transverse the maze-like Level 4860 without becoming lost, and the rare trips to the higher levels that I journeyed with my parents just to see the sky.

As we made our way back towards the clinic, we regaled each other of the differing sides of war, him attempting to avoid the injuries of battle while I took pride in mending them. It was effortless the way we conversed, a lack of discussion never opening up to an awkward void of silence. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so weightless, the heavy shackles of my long-kept secret feeling looser around my soul.

A twinge of disappointment tugged at me once we’d reached the clinic building again, wanting to remain in this floating bubble of contentment for so much longer. But there were still patients to see.

Poe was visibly drained from our long hike, a small tremor of exhaustion and pain beginning to tremble through his body as he eventually hobbled back into his hospital bed. I was able to renew his analgesia drip before a knock at the door indicated my 1400 appointment had arrived, albeit a little early.

To my surprise, and relief, it was a small crew of east village tradesmen, tools in hand, having carted along the scrap parts that would hopefully put my comm-tower back in working order. A familiar, gruff looking man with kind eyes, salt and pepper hair and a short beard framing his jaw, reached out to greet me.

“Alexys!”

“Vixur,” I beamed back at him, embracing him in a curt hug. “Thank you so much for coming. I hope the trek wasn’t too tiring.” 

“Nothing we haven’t done before.”

The 3 others with him nodded in agreement. I recognised their faces but couldn’t find their names hidden away in my brain. They were all considerably younger, so I assumed they hadn’t needed my care so much over the last couple of years.

“These are a few my trade students, to help me. So… where’s this broken comm-tower?”

My eyes moved to look behind them. “Uh... under the wreckage. Just over there.”

They all craned their necks around in unison, Vixur’s face falling into look of unease.

“This might take a little longer than expected Miss Jago.”

I gritted my teeth into an apologetic smile. “I know. But anything you can do to get it working would be unimaginably helpful. The comm-tower allows me to order supplies and do my research. I’ll be useless without it after too long.”

“Guess we better get to work then,” Vixur remarked, giving me a warm smile before ushering his crew towards the metal debris.

My chest thumped with appreciation for the older gentleman I had known since I’d arrived on Raxus, one of the few who volunteered their time to assist in building my clinic. It was one of the things that cemented my belief I’d made the right choice to settle on this planet, just to help people like him.

As the four men began to carefully take apart the burnt metal frame of the X-wing, I returned inside to find Poe already back behind the workstation with BB-8’s insides splayed across the metal.

“I thought you were resting,” I scolded.

He didn’t look up, attempting exactly what he’d been struggling with before leaving the clinic.

“I was bored. I’d rather be sore and busy.”

I chuckled under my breath, my rear almost reaching my desk chair before another knock resonated into the room.

*

An infected foot wound, an angry rash, a burning pain during urination. Just a few of the patients whose appointments brought little in the way of fascination for my afternoon.

Poe continued his work silently behind the hospital curtain to provide at least some privacy for my examinations. I felt the aura behind the screen grow intense with repulsion as I discussed the less than glamourous issues with my patients, burying the need to smile at the thought of Poe’s sickened face. Being in this line of work for so long allowed me a resistance to the kind of aversion most people felt being faced with nauseating and embarrassing conditions of the human body.

I had just waved farewell to my last patient of the day, when Poe’s voice suddenly piped from behind me.

“How do you do this _every_ _day_? I thought I was going to be sick hearing that woman talk about her foot,” he winced.

I turned to him and raised an eyebrow. “You’ve been in battle, but can’t handle a little pus?”

“Blood and ugh… _pus…_ are two completely different things.” The cringe in his face was digging up the smiles I’d been hiding for hours.

“Hm… Poe Dameron, pilot extraordinaire, Commander of the Resistance fleet, battle hardened military man, is afraid of a little pus?”

He took my mocking with good humour, conceding. “Don’t tell anyone okay? Wouldn’t want my enemies knowing my one weakness.”

“Somehow I don’t think I’ll be making contact to help out the First Order anytime soon.”

“I would hope so,” he stated lightly, “We don’t need someone like you patching up all the holes we put in their soldiers.”

I knew logically he meant it as a joke, but it still minced at my insides, a flush of irritation coursing through me, and he could tell when my face fell.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, remorseful. “When you’ve been involved in war for so long it’s easy to become a little… _indifferent_ about the other side’s casualties.”

_Indifferent? More like ignorant._

How stone hearted did one have to be to consider the deaths of millions at the hands of fleets and armies just par for the course? To deem the deaths of those who just happened to be on the opposing side not even worth a second thought?

I worked my whole life to keep people’s hearts beating, and people like him could so easily stop them, seemingly without guilt. He made my work, past and present, feel absolutely pointless.

People would keep dying as collateral, and those who sentenced them to that fate didn’t even care.

All the positive emotions that had bubbled up for Poe during our walk today suddenly popped, disappearing into the air in an instant, leaving little behind.

I looked at him with narrowed eyes, my mood suddenly icy.

“Good thing there’s people like me who actually _values_ life instead of readily wanting to take it.”

I marched away from his hunched frame towards the hallway, too tired from the day to spend more time arguing about war _again_.

“Alex! Wait a second! I didn’t mean it like that!” he echoed from behind me, his voice ricocheting off the walls as I stormed away.

Harshly slamming the door of my quarters, it was difficult to deny the tears of frustration that threatened to break from my eyes. I feared his stubbornness wouldn’t allow any reprieve, and it appeared I was correct when I heard his disjointed footsteps becoming louder. Gritting my teeth, I felt the burning sensation of bile simmering in my stomach. His knock was faint, and not accompanied by his voice asking for me.

I strode back to the door and swung it open. “What?!”

Poe’s eyes grew wide at my snapping question, not appearing as hostile as I’d imagined when he came back into my view.

“The tradesman is at the door asking for you,” he muttered sheepishly. I was rattled for a moment at his lack of antagonism, then paced back to the front entrance as he slunk onto the hallway wall, letting me pass by without challenge.

Vixur was there to greet me just inside the door, a sly smirk curling his lips. “Who was that Alexys?”

“He’s a patient, the one who survived the crash that wrecked my comm-tower,” I grumbled, in no mood for Vixur’s assumptions.

“Right. Sure.” His smile didn’t fade quickly enough for my liking. “Anyway, we’ve managed to clear most of the wreckage, and start our rebuild. But I’m afraid it’s still not even close to being finished.”

“I can’t say I wasn’t expecting that. Sorry it’s such a big job.”

“It’s perfectly alright, I had a feeling you wouldn’t have made a trip to the village unless it was important. We’ll set up camp out here for the night and hopefully have it running tomorrow.”

The thought of these men shivering in the frosty Raxus night, for what was really Poe’s benefit, made me feel heavy with quiet fury.

“No Vixur!” I protested. “You and your students don’t need to spend the night out in the cold! I’ve got four hospital beds in here, and they’re at least somewhat comfier than the ground. And so much warmer.”

“I thought you said you had a patient?” Vixur’s eyes drifted behind me, and I turned my head to see Poe leaning against the hallway door.

“Oh, he doesn’t require my treatment anymore. I’ll find a place for him. There’s plenty of floor space in this clinic.”

Vixur seemed to successfully gauge my mood, unease twisting his expression. “It wouldn’t feel right taking away a bed from the man who survived that crash.”

“It’s fine, really. He hasn’t proven to be half as selfless as you and your men have been today. It’s honestly the least I could do for you.”

I could sense why Vixur was wary. I had never acted like this before, vindictive and petty. But Poe’s hideously callous mindset had wrestled out a restrained wrath that was bubbling to the surface.

“Well… okay then. I’ll round up my boys and bring them inside. Much appreciated Alex.” Vixur’s smile was grateful, yet cautious.

I swivelled on my heels to Poe’s downcast expression, knowing he’d listened to the conversation.

“You can move BB-8 and your things into my office,” I said flatly, before beginning to strip the sheets off the bed he had called his for the past couple of days.

He didn’t say anything, mouth clamped shut as he followed my orders and collected as much of BB as possible into his arms.

It took him a couple of trips, and I faintly twinged with contrition as he limped back and forth from my study. But it was quickly buried in the heap of bitterness weighing heavy in my chest.

After renewing the sheets of the bed and helping the men settle into the clinic for the night, I showed them where to help themselves to my food stocks and offered them use of the ‘fresher. They were hideously thankful, and it made me contemplate what kind of sleeping arrangements they had in their village to be so appreciative of the lumpy hospital grade mattress I was providing them. It only soured my mood even more.

_Yet another thing that war bestows._

It was mildly surprising that Poe didn’t pounce on an opportunity to debate with me in a way to clarify his stance, wondering how long he would let me have the last word. He had skulked away into the study to continue his repair on BB-8, his solemn aura a far contrast to the spiky air that hung in the air around me.

I fell into my usual nightly routine of reading, bathing, and dinner, begrudgingly making Poe a meal and placing it into my study in front of him without muttering a word. He let out a soft ‘thank you’ as I left back to my quarters, and the same pang of guilt tried to rise up again, this time a lot harder to submerge.

It didn’t sit well in my body, this cold resentment that continued to churn through my blood. It felt foreign and unknown to my usual state of being. I knew it was because I hadn’t had to face a person like this, who deemed war and death necessary companions, in such a long time. I found myself impatient for Poe to leave, to return to an existence being surrounded only by those who had been too traumatised by war to ever consider it an acceptable burden in life.

It was starting to get late in the evening, my weariness from the day becoming increasingly powerful as I lounged on my sofa, waiting for Poe to get out of the ‘fresher so I could instruct him that he was to use my bed for sleep tonight.

The doctor side of my brain had eventually won me over despite my irritation, pressing that he was still a man who had painful injuries and needed a comfortable place to rest them.

The ‘fresher suddenly opened, Poe rushing past my door back into the office before I had a chance to stop him.

“Poe?”

He slinked his head around the corner first, seemingly startled I had called for him, before shifting his body slowly into the entryway.

“Yeah?” His voice was gentle, but slightly hollow.

“You’ll be sleeping in my bed tonight,” I asserted, tone firm and professional.

Poe cocked his head to the side, puzzled. “With you?”

“ _No_ ,” I sighed, exasperated, thinking that fact would have been obvious. “I’ll be on this couch.” I patted the pillow and blanket I had beside me.

“Right, of course,” he mumbled. “I thought you had banished me to the floor.”

I took in a slow breath, trying to be more cordial than I felt. “It wouldn’t be good for your recovery.”

“You don’t have to. I could take the couch,” he offered softly.

I shook my head. “It wasn’t a question.”

“Right,” he conceded, quicker than I expected. “Are you going to sleep now?”

“Yeah,” I yawned. “As your doctor, I would suggest you do the same.”

His face seemed bruised at my coldness, and I felt a lump form in my throat as guilt tried incessantly to escape into my expression. But I was too tired to care anymore, and sleep would mean I was closer to being free of his mood-altering presence. 

I pulled the pillow over to the opposite side of the sofa and fluffed out the blanket so I could slip myself under it, facing away from Poe still self-consciously standing at the door. I heard him eventually tread over to my bed and climb in, the faint rustling of fabric filling the air until there was silence between us, yet again.

*

I tried my best to sleep. But I was restless, mostly from the discomfort of my sleeping place, the couch providing little in the way of relaxation for my tired body. There was also an incessant torrent of thoughts nagging at me, unable to stop turning over the conflicting emotions I had towards Poe.

In such a short time I felt so close to him, so connected, both care and desire climbing higher with our time together. Now that already fragile bond was frayed at the edges, threatening to snap in two.

In reality I barely knew him, spending only a handful of days in each other’s lives, yet somehow within that meek time frame I’d felt more attached to him than anyone I’d encountered in my lifetime.

But his differing morals couldn’t be denied, and they wounded my soul, made me feel useless in this already overwhelming universe. What hope did this galaxy have when even the self-proclaimed heroes of the war don’t see themselves as murderers too? Did they think because their ideals were more noble that it allowed them to freely kill without care?

It didn’t seem to matter what side someone found themselves fighting for. Each had different causes, different reasons behind their crusade, but they produced the same outcome. A whole lot of death.

I heard Poe sit up all of a sudden. “Alex?”

“Hm?” I answered groggily.

“Can we talk?”


	6. Ruin

A softened sigh left me, knowing it was probably time to let him say his piece. He’d been so silent up until now that I felt compelled to hear what had been stirring inside his mind while I’d held him in quiet contempt.

“Alright. I’m listening,” I answered, my voice just above a whisper.

He flickered on one of the dimmed lamps next to the bed, a gentle glow slightly illuminating the room, watching Poe as he proceeded to carefully extricate himself from under the sheets, the soreness as a result of the rehab we’d performed today now evident in his face.

I drew myself up into a seated position on the sofa, as he made his way to sit on the small table in front of me, not attempting to meet my eyes until he’d slowly placed himself down on the metal. His face was less than a meter from mine, eyes boring into me with purpose.

“I’m _sorry_ ,” he declared slowly, his words heavy. “I understand why you’re angry at me. I get it, okay? Years of battle after battle, fight after fight, it becomes difficult to consider those working under the First Order’s control as people. People with families, loved ones, even children. They appear as targets, there simply to be eliminated. And it’s you or them. Either you perish, or you put the rational thought into the back of your mind and fight back.”

Poe’s eyes moved away then, staring down, his jaw tight.

“I do think about it sometimes, the people I’ve... _murdered_. I’ve spent sleepless nights wondering if killing in the name of freedom from a suffocating organization was a good enough reason to send people to an early death. When you don’t see their faces it’s…. _easier_. You don’t see the bloodshed, the corpses, you just see the fiery explosion of their ships fading into the black void of space.”

I stayed rigid in the sofa, hands clutching the into cushions. It was difficult to hold down the simmer of anger that boiled in my stomach, since everything so far only reinforced what I felt like I’d determined hours ago. As I continued to peer up at him with stormy eyes, he still couldn’t meet my gaze.

“All I heard in my childhood was my father reminding me of the way he and my mother fought for what they believed to be right. Both of them lived, and battled, through a time like ours, under the thumb of a regime that hungry for power, sparing no innocents in their pursuit of it.”

He became lost in memory, the aura drifting around him stained with a subtle sorrow.

“‘ _People were hurting. People were suffering. Your father and I couldn’t sit and do nothing._ ’ That’s what my mother had told me, a child of two, as her reasoning for joining the Alliance in their efforts to push back against what threatened all type of freedom in this galaxy. My parents offered to sacrifice their lives on the tiniest shred of hope that me, and every other being on every planet, would see peace in their lifetime.”

His eyes finally shifted to me once more. They were determined, yet soft, the chocolate fibres of his irises melting together.

“I just... wanted to be like her. Like them. I wanted to do what they did. I wanted them to be proud of me, to have faith that their legacy would live on after they were gone. To provide freedom and peace like they had. Even if that meant sacrificing my own life, even if that meant killing those who opposed it. I had to. I had to join the people that wanted the same thing as me.”

There was anger radiating from him now, his voice severe.

“I witnessed so many of my fellow soldiers, my _friends_ , die thoughtlessly at the hands of others. And I wanted them to feel the same pain that I felt. Is it hypocritical? Of course, I know that. Is it cruel? Yes, murder is rarely not. But it's in the name of _protection_ , defiance against control from an overpowering force.

“Those who fight with the First Order, who take over planets and kill innocents for the sake of power, they know what they’re doing. They know the consequences, the outcome, the hold the galaxy will be strangled under if they succeed. _And they do it anyway_. Our cause isn’t more noble, it’s self-defence. We’re trying to protect the ones who aren’t able to fight back, and those who don’t deserve to be born into a world that will crush them into submission.”

Poe’s eyes turned darker, leaning in close.

“I will _never_ stop thinking about the lives I’ve taken. I will _never_ not hold myself accountable for the sins I’ve committed. But I will also not sit and do nothing. I don’t need you to accept it, but at least _try_ and understand. You and I want the same thing, in the end, to save as many people as possible in our short lifetime. I’m just doing the best I can to see that through.”

I had no reply to give, no counterargument, no flaw to point out. His honesty floored me, raw emotion and long-felt guilt rising up for me to observe so openly. The pain behind his eyes seemed so much more acute than any of the other injuries he’d sustained, not trying to shield it from my view as he spoke.

I tried to find words, anything to articulate my forgiveness. Because I _did_ understand. He’d made me see it, the same anguish over death that I felt. But he’d also made me realise what a _coward_ I was.

Against the people who would kill him or control him, he fought back. While I hid myself away under the guise of selflessness.

I thought I was the hero of my story, giving up my home, my old life, for the benefit of the downtrodden people of this planet. In reality, I was a scared little girl, too gutless to push back against those I, and so many others in this galaxy, feared.

And here Poe was, putting himself in harm’s way, every day, in the hopes that he could take away our fear forever. 

Poe began to rise in front of me, taking my lack of reply as an answer in itself. He seemed despondent; his face sullen as he turned to limp back to the bed.

A different kind of fury coursed through me, fury at myself for how easily I’d judged him, at how cruelly I’d treated him.

_I couldn’t let the night end this way._

I picked myself up from the sofa and quickly lunged at his wrist, pulling him to face me. He was surprised, glancing with wide eyes to where my hand had caught him, then to my face.

I tried desperately to convey it there, everything that I wanted to say, struggling to find my voice. He waited for me to speak the words I had sitting on the edge of my tongue, but everything I conjured didn’t seem to be enough, the jumbled thoughts swirling incoherently in my mind, never letting me quite grasp onto them long enough to form exactly what I needed to express.

Tension filled the space between us, thick and overwhelming. I soon began outlining the lines of his face, the crease currently stuck in his brow, the curve of his nose, the contour of his jaw, the arch of his lips.

My hands found themselves catching each side of his face, pulling his mouth to mine in a desperate kiss.

I’d held it back for so long, _too long_ , now unable to deny the burning urge to melt my lips into his. He was alarmed at first, his mouth frozen from movement for just a moment as he comprehended my sudden attack on him.

Yet in the next he was syncing his lips fluidly with mine, a hand rising quickly to clutch the back of my neck, pulling me closer. His casted arm curled around my waist, pressing my body into his, and I could feel the heat radiating off his chest.

The fire in my lower abdomen was roaring into bright red flames again, spreading into the rest of my body like molten lava. He tasted even better than what I’d imagined, our tongues beginning to find each other through parted mouths.

Fingers moved into his hair, hungrily grasping at the curled strands, causing a low moan to seep from his throat. The sound made me even more forceful in my need for his lips to be connected with mine, barely having time to breathe in-between our eager kisses.

I wanted to have him, all of him, so deeply it was painful, the searing burn lighting up in my veins.

**_Don’t do this Alex. It will ruin you._ **

My breath hitched as I reluctantly pulled my face away, looking up in his deliciously brown irises, his pupils large. He was cautious then, moving his hand up slowly from my neck to push a strand of hair back behind my ears, almost if at any moment I would flee from his embrace.

And that’s what half of me was begging to do, the other _screaming_ at me to lock our lips together again. I felt split into two, a cracking beginning to divide me roughly in the middle.

I could see Poe searching through my gaze, trying to assess my thoughts, whether it was safe to continue. He leaned in gradually, testing my reaction. I didn’t recoil this time. I didn’t want to.

His lips melted into mine, and slowly they began to caress each other’s again, less insistent than before yet somehow just as intimate. My hands slid down to his chest, noticing the hard muscles underneath my palms and feeling the fire inside me surge for a few moments.

I wanted to feel the bare skin underneath, to have it pressed against my own. To explore the other parts of him covered by clothes. To forget even for a short time that this was wrong, that I shouldn’t be doing this.

Poe gently withdrew, leaning his forehead into mine, eyes closed. “I know.”

“Know what?” I asked softly.

He exhaled a long breath. “I know you don’t want to do this.”

I replaced my hands to his cheeks, making him look at me.

“You have no idea how much I want this. How much I want _you_.”

The truth of the words made me feel both vulnerable and safe, for the first time giving in to the yearning I’d hoped to keep locked inside my chest.

He tensed, a slight tremble in the arm that curved around my body. But his face grew sombre, almost... sad.

“You don’t. Not completely. I can feel you wanting to hold back,” he murmured. “I can _feel_ your fear.”

I swallowed hard, unable to refute him. “…I’m sorry. I want to. But I just… I can’t."

We both looked down, my confirmation of his perception making the tone of our connection shift. He was silent for what felt like a long time, and we stayed motionless in our embrace, neither wanting it to end, knowing it was inevitable that we would have to part.

“Why?” he breathed. “Why are you afraid?”

I wanted to be honest with him, like he had been for me, so much that the sensation felt like it was clawing out from inside of me, determined to burst through the skin. But there was a barrier there, one I had forged long ago. Unyielding and impenetrable to anything or anyone.

Although, I felt another realisation simmer to the surface of my mind, one that was not nearly as exposing, but still true.

“You’re going to leave. And I have to stay here. I don’t… I don’t want that to hurt any more than it has to.”

It seemed to hit him then, like he hadn’t let the thought enter his mind before. The awareness of our predicament shone brightly in his eyes, a light switch flickering on.

His hand moved to my cheek, grazing his thumb softly against the skin, my heart throbbing inside its cage at the sensation. I watched as eyes scanned over my face, back and forth, as if memorising the features. It was then I knew he’d come to the same conclusion.

It wouldn’t be long before we would part, most likely to never see each other again. If we went any further, if we crossed that line, the pain of saying goodbye would become so much more unbearable.

Almost simultaneously, we slowly let our hold on each other loosen, the disappointment in the air almost palatable on my tongue. The smouldering inside me had burnt out, suffocated by the gloom weighing heavy in my chest. Poe took my hand in his, his eyes pleading.

“Can I ask one thing of you?’

I moved my head in a slow nod.

“Sleep in this bed with me tonight. Just sleep. I promise.”

It was an earnest request, his face imploring and unguarded.

In contempt of the voice in my head bellowing at me that this was a terrible idea, I agreed.

“Okay.”

Together we tentatively walked to each side of the mattress, making no rush to slip under the covers and settle into the pillows. I faced away, fearing if I looked at Poe's charming face any longer, I would surrender to the pull of desire that never seemed to relent.

I didn’t know how I was ever going to be able to fall asleep like this, his body radiating an energy that vibrated into the space between us, keeping me all too aware of his presence.

There was movement, a dip in the mattress behind my back, Poe’s arms curling around my torso, pulling me close. His face buried itself into my hair, the warmth of his gradual breath sending charged shivers down my spine. Placing my arms over his, silently accepting his embrace, I felt my heart thump a warming glow through my chest and all the way to the end of my limbs.

I’d never felt so peaceful, so whole, becoming lost in the comfort of his hold around me, wishing I could bask in it forever.

But reality bit at me, cold and uninvited, reminding me of the goodbye I would have to give soon enough.

*

We were still entangled when consciousness came to me again, the dim light of early sunrise leaking through my window. Poe’s arms circled around me, my body fitting perfectly into his.

He was still asleep, his face resting just at the back of my head, slow breaths bristling into my hair. I relished the feeling of it all, trying to commit it to my memory.

I stayed there, motionless, waiting for time to run out, knowing I would be chasing the feeling of this in the months, maybe years, to come. Thinking about his future absence made me feel terrifyingly lonely, even with his arms wrapped around me now.

Eventually the seconds ticked down to my chronometer alarm buzzing, rustling Poe awake from his slumber. I assumed he would begin to move, pulling away, this one night that bonded us together finally ending.

Yet he stayed as unmoving as I had been, the only indication he had awoken the change in his breathing, a small tense of his muscles. I went to move, to switch the screeching sound off, but he clutched me back into his chest, squeezing softly.

As much as my heart thumped at the pressure of his arms constricted around my torso, the noise of my alarm was grating.

“Let me turn it off,” I whispered. “I’ll come right back.”

Poe loosened his grip reluctantly, allowing me to reach over to the screeching machine and mute its sound. I settled back comfortably into his arms again, as he nuzzled his face into my neck, lips faintly placing a kiss on the skin.

“Poe… please… don’t…” I pleaded softly.

His sigh whistled past my neck. “Come with me, when I leave.”

It annoyed me, his fleeting demand so easily spoken. As if I could suddenly give up all that encompassed my life before he appeared, the beings that depended on me. But his voice was so sincere, so entreating in the early morning, that the irritation dashed away from the forefront of my mind.

“You know I can’t do that.”

He acknowledged my answer in the shift of his body from around me, moving himself out of the bed we had shared for the night and leaving me alone underneath the sheets.

It burned, the sudden disconnection of his shape from mine, my chest becoming a black hole in the realisation that I might never feel him that close again.

I listened as he walked out of my quarters, steps sounding significantly more even.

_At least his recovery was going smoothly_.

I wanted to let my emotion to take over, to give in to the pain that rushed to me now as the finality of our night cradled together became evident. But I refused to release it, my resolve from the night before staying strong within me. I knew I’d made it harder by giving in to Poe's innocent plea of sharing a slumber within his embrace, but I wasn’t going to let our farewell completely _ruin_ me.

I rose from my bedside, focusing on the appointments scheduled to fill my day. Through my haze I recalled many of them being young female patients in need of birth control. I would somehow have to shut Poe away from this, wanting to give these women the privacy they deserved.

*

It appeared Poe and I used the ‘freshers at the same time, the searing heat I usually liked being showered with restrained no matter how high I pushed the temperature button.

Eventually I’d readied myself for the workday ahead, with a knee length black pencil skirt and light blue blouse tucked into the waist, working my hair into a high ponytail.

It was when I’d begun making breakfast, for both myself and all the company that I kept in the clinic at the moment, that Poe emerged back into my quarters in a set of dark black hospital clothes. I glanced at him only briefly as he entered, hearing him pulling out the chair of the dining table, not daring to look at his face yet.

“Smells good,” he uttered, breaking the silence that existed in exemption to the sautéed chicken eggs and nuna bacon sizzling in the large pan in front of me.

“It’s almost ready,” I remarked, now feeling completely the disconnection between us in his tone. Half of me was glad he accepted the separation we needed to make, the other mourning the severed bond we had formed in the connection of our bodies. But I had to let it go, whatever was left of the fragile link that survived the night.

I continued preparing the hot meal, separating the foodstuff between Poe and Vixur’s crew. Once I’d gently placed a share in front of Poe at the table, a smile meeting him fleetingly, I took the rest with me, balancing the four dishes on my hands and forearms, moving cautiously through the hallway.

With impeccable timing Vixur and his students were conversing between each other, obviously having woken just before I came to greet them.

“I’ve got breakfast for you all,” I announced, setting it down at the meeting table across from my computer. It was generally used as a place I could sit with patients and their families when giving them their diagnosis or explaining treatment plans, but today it would have to work as a secondary dining table.

All four men jabbered back thankyous as they moved quickly to sit and eat, their appreciation evident in the way they gulped down the meal without hesitation. I returned to my quarters to find Poe picking lazily at his food, only a few bites eaten.

“Does it taste bad?” I asked from behind him, before circling to my seat at the table.

He looked up swiftly, as if I startled him. He must have been _deeply_ lost in thought not to hear me treading down the hallway.

“It’s delicious,” he urged. “I’m just…not that hungry.”

“Are you feeling alright? Are you still sore? Are you-“

“Alex, I’m _fine_ ,” he interrupted softly. “You can’t fix a bad mood with any of your treatments.”

I looked at him curiously. “Bad mood?”

_Did I do that to him?_

He probably wasn’t going to give a straight answer, but I still wanted to rule out at least one thing. “Did you not sleep well?”

He didn’t answer me right away, a subtle scowl settling in his lips.

“It was actually... the most restful sleep I’ve had in a long time.”

I fought the urge to beam at him, a blush ready to take over my cheeks, but the gloomy expression he wore held it all down.

I had to agree with him; it truly was the most comfortable rest I’d experienced in recent memory. And knowing that I would never feel that peaceful, dreamless slumber in his arms again made me fully understand why he was frowning.

“Thank you so much for the meal Alex. I just... don’t have an appetite right now.”

Poe rose from his seat and took his plate to clean as I stayed unmoving, his sombre mood spilling into my body and taking over.

Wringing his hands dry, Poe turned back to me. “Is it still alright if I keep using your office to continue working on BB-8?”

I nodded. “It would actually be preferable. Most of my patients today are women, and I need privacy for their appointments. I’ll come let you know when it’s safe to come out, okay?”

Poe understood instantly what I had only hinted at. “Sure thing. I won’t step a foot out that room without your permission.”

A kind smile formed on his lips, but it fell quickly as he moved from my quarters, leaving me to my breakfast, which now seemed extremely unappetizing.

*

“Well, Kaia, you’ve got a couple of options,” I started. It was my 5th appointment of the day, and I was starting to lose all hope in the young generation that followed mine.

“You can get the implant, which lasts 5 years and protects you from pregnancy. But it can be a painful procedure, and unfortunately the implant itself is quite expensive.

“There are the injections which last 3 months, but you’ll have to see me again in that time frame, although I know that’s hard for you being from the South village. But there’s always prophylactics, which your partner has to use, every separate time you want to be intimate.”

Kaia was a 17-year-old human girl who had obviously not been taught any helpful sex education. Although, that wasn’t uncommon in these villages.

“But, like,” she began to question. “Can’t he just, like, not, um, finish _in there_?”

I drew in a deep breath. This wasn’t the first time I’d explained this today.

“Technically yes, if he withdraws from you before that moment comes, it does lessen the chance of pregnancy. But Kaia, there’s a lot of fluid already leaking from him before then, fluid that can contain sperm. It doesn’t protect you. Not fully.”

Kaia was thoughtful, taking in my words. “But what if he doesn’t want to use the sheath?”

“Well... that’s his decision. But then you have to make yours. A decision that you’re more than allowed to make. One night could lead to either a future of motherhood or even diseases that could cause a great deal of damage to your body.”

“ _Ew_ ,” Kaia recoiled. “I mean, I get what you’re saying, I understand it’s the right thing to do for me. But Miss Jago, haven’t you ever been so... swept up in the moment that you don’t think about any of that?”

My jaw clenched, catching me off guard with her question. None of the other women had posed it to me.

“It’s not been an issue for me,” I said flatly.

“Because of the birth control, right?” she surmised. “Which one do you use then?”

_Oof, she’d caught me out again._

“I don’t have the need for it. Kaia, this is not about me-”

“Wait what?” she gasped. “But you’re so pretty?”

I soaked my voice in its professional tone. “This is _your_ appointment Kaia, we’re not here to discuss me and my personal life.”

Kaia refused to comply. “But you’ve done it, right Miss Jago?”

I sighed, irritated. “Yes Kaia, but we took all the necessary precautions.”

_Ugh, that made it sound horribly dull._

“Well that doesn’t make it sound very fun,” Kaia huffed, unknowingly mirroring my own thoughts.

I tried desperately to hold back the aversion that wanted to explode on my face. It hadn’t been fun. It was clunky, awkward and somewhat painful. And I felt a spike of envy that this teenager already seemed to have had better experience with the opposite sex than I did.

“Look, your options are there. If I had to choose one, and I was with a partner I could trust had nothing that could spread to me, I’d go with the implant.”

She contemplated my advice, pulling her hands up to let her chin rest on them. “I think you’re right Miss Jago. But my parents would never help me pay for it.”

“That’s alright,” I replied, already knowing the home situation Kaia found herself in.

She’d made the trek to my clinic alone, without her parent’s knowledge, just to see me for this single reason. I doubted her parents even knew she had a boyfriend.

“How about I put the implant in today, and we figure out payment later?”

Kaia’s face lit up, eyes brimming with delight. “Really?”

I smiled helpfully at her and nodded.

“Thank you!” she squealed, face barely containing her excitement.

Really, this was for both her benefit and my own. I wasn’t about to face her parents when it would ultimately be me providing the news their daughter was pregnant. I didn’t want Kaia to go through that, a young pregnancy in a poor village after her parents would most likely cast her out.

“Remember I said this can be a painful procedure, and you’ll be sore for a day or two afterwards.”

Kaia nodded, understanding, yet she still struggled to hold back her joy.

*

I worked my way through the process of setting her implant, my mind on autopilot while I thought more about the question Kaia had innocently queried. I’d never come close to the type of desire that would have caused me to throw away all caution and rational thought. Not until-

“Hey Alex!” I unexpectedly heard from the other side of the curtain I’d drawn for Kaia’s discretion. “I know I said I wouldn’t come out until you said, but I’ve got something I _need_ to show you.”

Poe’s voice was exuberant and proud, annoyingly unaware of the fact I had my hand in a very delicate place. My eyes shot to Kaia’s, her cheeks already flushing red with mortification.

“Poe!” I fumed, not hiding my anger. “I asked you to do _one_ thing!”

I sensed his panic from behind the fabric separating him from the scene I was stuck in. “ _Kriff_! Sorry!” His voice changed when he spoke next, a hurried whisper. “BB, come back here, we can’t show her yet.”

I heard a streaming mechanical movement in my periphery, turning my head to see a shadow moving along the bottom of the curtain. I took the moment to stop what I was doing, covering Kaia with a sheet.

I was thankful I did that when I saw the BB-8 droid slip through a break in the drape, caring little for what Poe had ordered him to do. His little head sat hovering above his balled body, for the first time actually staying in position.

I studied his now illuminated photoreceptor, which looked like a singular eye, as he zoomed closer to me. An impressed smirk started to beam as I realised Poe had managed to get his little friend working, but it was rapidly overtaken by my irritation at the droid’s lack of courtesy.

Poe was cursing under his breath, then apologetic. “Alex and uh, _patient_ , I am so sorry. BB, get out of there!”

BB-8 let out a few indiscernible beeps, a language I didn’t understand, yet Poe seemed to.

“I don’t care! They need privacy. You can see her later!” he hollered.

The droid made what sounded like a high-pitched huff as its head dropped, like it knew it had been scolded. Its head swivelled around on top it’s body and rolled away, again sliding through the break in the curtain.

“Come on, back this way.” I listened to the combination of footsteps and mechanical whirring move back into the hallway, a door eventually clicking closed. Looking apologetically back to Kaia, her face was still stunned at the intrusion.

“I am _so_ sorry. I told him to stay put until my appointments were over. It’s okay if you want to stop for a moment,” I offered, trying to stay as calm as possible.

Kaia blinked purposefully a few times before being able to focus back to me. “No it’s okay. I’m ready.”

I admired her composure, while I remained silently boiling under the surface. 

*

“What the _hell_ Poe?” I snarled, barging into my office where Poe sat, seemingly interrupting a conversation he was having with BB-8. I’d clawed my anger into submission for the rest of Kaia’s appointment, but now it was ready to surge outward.

Poe stood, arms held up in surrender. “I know! I’m sorry! I didn’t think, and it was just _really_ bad timing.”

BB-8 beeped in what sounded like agreeance, rolling around from behind the office desk into my view.

“It was the _worst_ timing!” I snapped. “That girl was 17, in a very vulnerable position, and you scared the living daylights out of her!”

“I know, and I can’t apologise enough Alex, really!” His face was pleading, brown eyes soft yet desperate. “I was just so excited about BB working again, and I wanted to show you.”

His sincerity disarmed me, my fury sizzling down, suffocated by his apology. I took a slow breath in, eyes closed, reigning it in further.

“Please don’t disregard my instructions again,” I grumbled.

He nodded, as did BB-8, and my eyes focused on the droid. He was oddly cute in his appearance, his small beeps already annoyingly adorable.

“Hi BB-8,” I greeted, all frustration now clean from my voice. “My name is Alexys.”

I kneeled down to his eye level and he immediately wheeled up directly in front of me, beeping somewhat of his own introduction.

“He said it’s nice to meet you,” Poe clarified, still hesitant at the easy change in my mood.

I looked up at him, curious. “You can understand those sounds he makes?”

“Most of it,” Poe answered. “It’s a form of Binary. Having him with me for so long helped me grow accustomed to the pitch and time changes in his beeps.”

My eyebrows rose, fascinated. “That’s so impressive.”

BB-8 squealed in uneven time, his eye looking over to Poe, who almost looked bashful.

“What? What did he say?” I queried, wondering what made him so self-conscious.

He shot BB-8 an irritated look before meeting his eyes to mine. “It’s nothing important. His circuits are still a little fried.”

I wasn’t convinced, but then again I didn’t speak droid, so there was no way to know if Poe was telling the truth.

"I'm glad you got him working,” I said earnestly, pleased there hadn’t been any type of casualty from his crash.

Poe sighed, relieved. “Me too. He’s the best co-pilot I’ve ever had.”

BB-8 whistled happily, evidently pleased with the praise, and its sweetness made me smile.

“Alexys?” Vixur suddenly called, his voice echoing down the hall. “Are you back there?”

I left Poe and BB-8 without a word, finding Vixur standing at the hallway entrance, his clothes smeared in dirt and dark grease.

“Are you guys okay out there?”

Vixur nodded, evidently tired, yet still an accomplished grin filled his face.

“We’re done actually. The comm-tower’s fixed.”

I wanted to smile back, to show my appreciation for his hard work, but it all became too hard to fake anymore.

This was it, the beginning of my goodbye to Poe. He would now be able to contact the Resistance, his friends, and he would soon be gone from my life just as suddenly as he arrived.

I forced the tears back as I hugged Vixur, doing all I could to hide my pain and show some kind of gratitude for the selfless work he had done. I began to feel myself tearing into two pieces again, my insides ripping at the seams.

Somehow Vixur sensed the turmoil simmering through me, patting my back softly. He pulled out of our embrace, speaking softly enough so Poe wouldn’t hear.

“You needed this done for him, didn’t you?”

I nodded, the sadness hard to contain on my face. Vixur’s own expression was sympathetic as he squeezed my arm reassuringly. I didn’t need to explain anything, he just seemed to know.

“If it’s meant to be, you’ll find each other again.”

I drew in a long breath, holding in the need to cry. I wanted to thank him more, for giving his time to me for little in return, but I couldn’t say the words out of fear the sudden sorrow would overwhelm me if I spoke out loud.

Vixur understood this, giving me a caring smile as he took his leave. “Well, we best be heading back to the village. I’ll see you sometime soon Alex. If I don’t, I wish you luck.”

And he was gone, the clinic door closing behind him, leaving me frozen in dread. I didn’t want to tell Poe the ‘good news’, but he’d waited long enough for his rescue from this planet.

I didn’t need to turn around to know he’d slinked out of the office to find me stuck where I stood, BB-8’s soft whirring following him.

“The comm-tower is ready, isn’t it?” Poe asked gently.

I forced myself to smile as I turned around, Poe’s expression not showing the relief I would have expected.

“Sure is,” I replied, the hint of quiver in my voice. “You can finally go home.”

I saw Poe’s lip tremble as he too attempted a smile, the disappointment in his eyes more indicative of his actual reaction to my answer.

Neither of us spoke for a long time, BB-8 looking back and forth quizzically, a few unsure beeps finally pierced in Poe’s direction. The sounds knocked us back into reality, as I moved to find the transmitter I’d stashed back into my tech station after determining its redundancy days ago.

The memories felt foreign, like they were from a different timeline. So little time had changed me so much, making me feel the most unstable and fragile I had felt in so long, on the verge of tipping into an overwhelming pain.

Poe had watched me in silence, unmoving. I eventually shifted the transmitter into his arms, an extremely aged, large box with an array of dusty buttons poking out of the rusted metal.

“It’s old, but it still works,” I insisted in a monotone, the emotion sucked from my voice. Poe only nodded, and gave me one last despairing glance as he turned away, carrying the machine into the study, BB-8 trailing behind him.

When the door closed, I couldn’t hold onto it any longer, the overpowering misery bursting free, its icy presence consuming me in a singular moment, the cold burn stinging me as a few tears trickled down my cheeks.

**What did I tell you?**

The tears came faster at the sound of the voice, it’s condescension only making the suffering I felt more excruciating.

_No._

_You’re wrong. I’m stronger than this._

I wiped away the errant tears defiantly, pulling myself together at the seams that had broken a few minutes ago, calming my breathing, trying to settle the trembling on inhale.

I had made it through so much worse, pushed past crushing loneliness, fear and sadness, to make myself more resilient than I was behaving now. And I wasn’t going to let myself be caught in this vortex of emotion any longer.

_I will not let this ruin me_. 


	7. The Transmission

Poe didn’t exit the study for a long while, finally hearing the creak of my office door as it opened for the first time in hours. Within that time I'd farewelled the last of my patients for the day and begun to prepare dinner in my quarters, feeling significantly more balanced as the day wore on.

_Mind over matter. That’s all I needed to remember_.

It was BB-8 who rolled in to demand my attention first, knocking his body into me as I stood chopping up vegetables at the kitchen counter.

“Hello again,” I greeted, still marvelling at how sweet this droid’s disposition was. I placed my knife down and turned to face Poe as he slinked into the space, taking a place at the dining table. He seemed tired, almost despondent, possibly even more solemn than he appeared when I saw his face last.

“How did the transmission go?” I asked, breaking the silence. From the energy drifting out of his shape, it was clear he hadn’t completely moved on from the sadness we’d shared during our last interaction.

Obviously he hadn’t found acceptance at the same time I did.

“As well as it could have. They’re still safe, for now. Think I gave them all heart attacks when my transmission came through,” he responded, exhaling hard. “And you were right. There was a search initiated. But my last reported co-ordinates were over Hutt Space, so they never would have found me.” He looked puzzled then, and I mirrored his expression.

“What do you mean? That’s at least a day’s trip from here.”

“That’s exactly what I can’t seem to figure out.” He huffed then, exasperated. “I don’t remember getting any further than that. I hadn’t even _nearly_ reached my destination.”

“Were you traveling Galactic North or South?”

I screwed my face up immediately after asking the question, already assuming he wouldn’t give me an answer.

“Yeah, I can’t answer that.” He looked down to his hands, wringing them restlessly. “I know I can trust you, but I just can’t risk it, for both your own sake and the Resistance. All I can say is that I wasn’t flying to anywhere near Raxus.”

I nodded, understanding. “Well, no matter which way you were headed, Hutt Space is way too far from here for a ship to be unpiloted.”

“Right. Something, or someone, must have changed my course while I was there. And whether it was the crash or some other reason, I’ve lost any memory from after I was flying over that region that could have explained the cause.”

A sparkle of thought flickered into my mind, looking down at BB-8 still stationed at my feet. Poe appeared to read my mind.

“I thought the same too,” he remarked. “But he has no data logs that indicate any unauthorised navigation. I’m still concerned about how his internal circuits looked when I was repairing him, since I still don’t think that was caused by the crash. If BB had something to do with this, if he’s been tampered with, I won’t be able to be sure until I can conduct some deep diagnostics when I get back to the Resistance base.”

BB-8’s head fell down in his own form of remorse, emitting a few low beeps I could only gauge as an apology. 

I leant down and patted him softly, feeling sorry for the droid. It felt unnatural, yet somehow easy for me to have any emotion towards a machine like this, when the medical droids I’d worked alongside had all the personality of a decaying tree.

BB beeped back happily at me, appreciating my sympathy, when I realised abruptly what Poe had been implying.

“Wait, do you think someone did this on purpose? Sabotaged your flight?”

He seemed hesitant to answer again, most likely debating internally how confidential this information was. But eventually he nodded.

“That’s what Leia seems to think, and I’m tending to agree. It seems _too_ orchestrated. But the more worrying concern is that only a select group of Resistance personnel knew about my mission, even less knew exactly where I was headed.”

Both the casual mention of Leia Organa, famed princess of an obliterated planet, daughter of one of the most powerful Sith to have lived, now Leader of the Resistance, _and_ the notion Poe seemed to be hinting at, tilted me slightly off balance.

“You think a spy might have infiltrated the Resistance?”

“That’s the theory we’re running with for now. Whoever did this assumed a crash landing on an Outer Rim planet would have meant my certain death, and any evidence would have most likely never been found, especially with them looking in the completely wrong place,” Poe explained.

He looked up from his hands, his eyes finally gentle again, the creases in his forehead relaxing.

“They obviously never planned on me landing right on your doorstep.”

I smiled. “The universe clearly wanted to keep you around for a little longer.”

“Lucky me,” he laughed gently. “Hopefully I don’t mess up whatever it has planned.”

“You’ll figure it out,” I said encouragingly, glad he had relaxed a little. But it was short lived.

His face became sombre again, gaze moving to his fingers once more.

“Leia is keeping my reappearance quiet for now; her and our most trusted Resistance members, my friends, are the only ones who know.”

I saw his jaw tighten, face tense, a controlled breath seeping past his lips.

“They’ll be arriving sometime in the night to take me back to base.”

I knew it was coming. I was more prepared now, my resolve holding strong against the gloom I’d pulled into a locked box inside my mind, easily keeping it restrained.

“I bet you’re excited to see them,” I said kindly, hoping to pick up his mood.

Poe smiled softly to himself. “Yeah, I’ve missed them,” he agreed, glancing up at me. “They’re pretty eager to meet you actually.”

I furrowed my brows, dubious. “Really? You told them about me?”

Poe looked at me incredulously, like that fact should have been obvious.

“Of course. How else was I going to explain how I managed to survive that crash? Leia seemed particularly impressed. She's disappointed she can't give her thank you in person, being too valuable to send away from the base.”

My cheeks threatened to flush with crimson, wanting to shy away from the compliment. Yet relief was the more overwhelming emotion, glad I wouldn’t have to navigate my way through a conversation with _Leia Organa,_ having no doubt I would make a fool of myself.

“So, who _is_ coming?” I wondered, interested in learning more about the people Poe considered his trusted friends.

“Well there’s Chewie-”

“As in Chewbacca the Wookie?” I interrupted. “ _The_ Chewie?”

Poe rolled his eyes playfully at my marvelling. “So I don’t need to tell you anymore about him then,” he continued, smirking.

“There will be Finn, an ex-stormtrooper who defected to the Resistance, royally saved my _ass_ when I was captured by the First Order. And then there’s Rey, who has been training as a Jedi, and _technically_ pilots the Millennium Falcon now, although if you ask me, I’ve flown that _rustbucket_ way more often…”

Poe kept talking, but my mind was barely able to focus on his words.

A _Jedi_. A Force user. Coming here.

_This is bad._

I forced my face into a veil of interest about what Poe was chattering about, as he remained oblivious to the panic that had erupted inside my chest. Eventually his words ran out, thankfully without ending on a cue for me to reply, since I hadn’t been paying the slightest bit of attention.

It took all of my focus to keep my voice steady as I spoke.

“I thought all the Jedi were gone?”

_It was a question anyone would ask._ _Not too suspicious_.

He appeared slightly confused at the point I’d decided to back track on, yet quickly seemed to realise I’d not had the same encounters with force users that he’d had.

_Not that he knew anyway._

“We thought that too,” he remarked. Poe then relayed what was evidently an extremely condensed story of the re-emergence of Luke Skywalker, who had then begrudgingly taught Rey how to wield the Force.

It was an unbelievable tale, something any other being would be enthralled to hear. And honestly, I couldn’t believe Poe had made it so far as to have landed on my doorstep. But there was one thing my mind centred on amongst the rush of information.

_She’d been trained by a Jedi Master._

I’d learned an essence of control over my power, whatever kind it was that I utilised, both before and after I’d run to Raxus. After realising the target it put above my head at a young age, I’d taught myself to restrain it, hide it away in the absolute pit of my consciousness, only summoning that which helped heal people in the most dire of circumstances.

When the wrong person caught me, when I’d let my power become unconstrained for only a few moments, I knew I had to deepen my command over it, in case I ever found myself in that situation again. And now, was completely unsure if four more years’ worth of preparation was going to be enough to hide it from a _trained_ Force user.

“Why is a _Jedi_ coming to get you off this planet? Wouldn’t she have more important things to do?” I pointed out.

Only when the words escaped my lips did I realise how rude it might have seemed to Poe.

_Come on Alex. Simmer down._

He actually laughed, taking my perception with good humour.

“You’re not wrong. But as I said, she pilots the Millennium Falcon now, which is the fastest ship we have available at the moment. And she insisted on coming herself. Said she owed me.”

Poe appeared warmed by the sentiment, and I would have enjoyed his happier demeanour if not for my own internal fretting.

There was no avoiding it. Rey was already on her way here, and there wasn't an appropriate way I could prevent myself from meeting both her and the other crew members without arousing heavy suspicion. I was truly trapped, heart thumping along fast with anxiety, fearing I could be hours away from facing all I thought I had escaped from.

*

I made dinner for us both, Poe continuing to make idle conversation in our last hours together as we ignored the looming farewell.

Yet now I was more concerned with what I needed to confront before that moment. My mind was a mess of warring emotions behind the indifferent façade I held in Poe’s presence, wanting his departure to be both as quick as possible and dragged out as long as I could make it.

I knew he sensed some of the unrest behind my eyes, but he didn’t probe, probably hoping to maintain the easy-going nature of our last meal together, however fake it might have been.

It was long after we finished eating that I recalled the need to do one last assessment of Poe’s injuries, remembering something I’d promised to do before he left.

“Your cast!” I gasped, thinking out loud, startling Poe as he dried the last of our dishes. After turning around, smirking at himself for the way I’d managed to make him jump, he rose the casted arm into his view.

“Oh yeah,” he realised, flexing the fingers. “I’d actually kind of forgot about it.”

“Well come on, one last assessment and you’re officially free of my care.”

I said the words with such pure intentions, yet it was starkly clear both of us were jarred by the reality hidden behind them, a cold, unbroken hush settling in the space.

I noticed BB-8’s head movement from my periphery, once again calling into question our sudden stillness _._ He raced to my feet, squealing little beeps in an inflection I couldn’t understand. Poe’s expression swiftly turned aggravated at the droid, and didn’t immediately translate like I assumed he would.

“Is he okay?” I asked. “Did he say something important?”

Poe’s face forcefully relaxed in an attempt to seem unbothered by BB’s insistent beeps. “He’s just appreciative of how well you’ve treated me.”

I knew he was lying, but I could only assume it was better I didn’t discover what was really said.

*

Poe had now perched himself back onto his hospital bed, which I’d remade after Vixur’s crew had spent the night, and I could feel his gaze follow me as I placed the monitoring over his figure for the last time.

The moment for conversation had obviously passed as we maintained a heavy silence during my final tests. He barely winced when I took some blood, the results revealing all of his inflammatory markers had receded. The bruises had disappeared, the scars had begun to fade, even over his badly burned arm and torso.

I glanced to his face when I took some X-rays of his femur, pulling up the initial post-crash shots and making my final progress notes on the healing of the fracture. He seemed awed once again at the damage I’d managed to repair, and he turned thoughtful as he looked down at his perfectly functional leg.

I could tell without words he was grateful, knowing we’d both experienced the outcome of those who might not have been so lucky as to keep their limb after such an injury.

I’d kept the casted arm until last, wishing to drag out these final moments of my care, most likely the only thing he’d truly remember of our time together. A somewhat comforting thought simmered into my awareness, realising his deeper scars wouldn’t fade for years yet, somewhat of a memento etched onto his skin.

The X-rays were textbook. The fracture line had fused nicely, with almost no irregularity in the shape of the bone shaft. The cast had done its job, and now, there was no need for it to be connected to him anymore.

_Just like me._

I pulled my thermal scissors from within my medical trolley, used specifically to melt through the hardened plastic I’d moulded closely to his forearm. It was over in seconds, slicing through the cast fluidly and peeling it from his limb, the skin underneath looking slightly clammy but otherwise acceptable. As soon as he was free from the plastic he begun to flex and twist his wrist, a small exhale of relief slipping out of his throat.

“Well that just about does it,” I stated flatly. “You’re all healed up.”

Poe looked away from his newly freed arm and locked his eyes with mine, an intense gratitude pouring through them.

“I know I’ve said this a million times, and it will never be enough, but _thank you_.”

I looked down from his gaze. “You’re welcome. I’m glad I could help you.”

He lifted his left hand to my chin, tilting my head back up to meet his stare, holding it there while he spoke.

“You’re _really_ good at your job Alex, I hope you realise that. _You saved my life_. And I won’t be the last one you save, I’m sure of it."

His eyes were so penetrating, so impassioned, that it made me want to turn away. I didn’t like being praised like this. It made the flesh under my skin feel itchy.

Somehow, through no power of my own will, I kept my stare locked to him, confined into place with his thumb softly resting on my skin.

He began to breathe slower, more cautiously.

“If we…” he started, voice barely above a whisper. “If we never see each other again…” The words trailed off as he seemed to grapple with the harsh certainty bearing down on us.

My heart was pounding painfully in my chest, instigated merely by the sensation of his fingertips pressed to my skin.

_Please. Please stop making this so hard_. 

“I won’t forget what you did for me… I won’t forget you,” he finished, his voice so gentle, yet heated, burning the words into my body.

Without conscious thought I felt my hand begin to rise, instinct pulsing within me to pull him into a desperate kiss. Before he noticed the movement, I wrenched it down, closing it into a fist. It was my own voice that echoed in my head, louder and louder.

_I will not let this ruin me._

It felt cruel, the way I abruptly stepped away from his touch, but it needed to be. I glared back at him, hoping my words, particularly the meaning behind them, would suffocate the flames of yearning I kept seeing in his irises.

“You’ve been a cooperative patient Poe, and I’m glad you survived. But I wouldn’t wish on seeing you in the future. It would only be because you’re in need of my medical care again.”

I despised the cold tone of my speech. It was so dissimilar to my normal voice that it barely felt like it came from my mouth.

Poe’s head snapped back, stunned at my reply and the harsh recoil from his hand. Clearly, he'd predicted a different reaction.

“You don’t know that,” he urged. “I could come ba-”

I flew my hand up, palm forward, immediately indicating him to cease talking.

“Don’t. Just _don’t_.”

He ruminated on my request for a few eerily silent moments before his stare turned fiery, irritated.

“Why are you fighting this Alex?” he shot, rattling me. “We both know there’s _something_ here, something more than you’re willing to admit.”

His maddened tone made it harder to keep my stoic demeanour. “I told you why.”

“Wouldn’t it be more painful to leave each other like this?” he retorted, the muscles in his arms tightening. “Not acknowledging what I know you feel? Pretending it’s not _eating you alive_ , like it’s doing to me?”

A beat of silence passed, before I turned and walked away.

I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t keep my restraint if he continued interrogating me this way, revealing emotions a strangled part of me hoped he had. I wasn’t strong enough for that. I needed distance.

“Alex!” he boomed, hearing him leap off the bed behind me. “Tell me you haven’t felt it! Tell me you don’t want to give in to it!”

“I barely know you!” I shouted, swirling to face him again. “You are- _were_ my patient! And you’re about to leave! You shouldn’t come back here, and I shouldn’t go with you!”

“You know more about me than nearly all of the galaxy! And that’s within five days!” he growled, offended. Poe took a tentative step towards me, letting some of the anger recede before speaking again. “I would come back for you. I would come back, if I survived, if you wanted me to. If you admitted what you’re keeping hidden, the feelings that made you _kiss_ me.”

“ _Please_ stop doing this Poe,” I begged, a hopeless attempt to keep him at bay, my resilience starting to fizzle away. “You seemed to understand yesterday. That it would be too difficult if we crossed that line.”

He shook his head in frustration. “I've already crossed it Alex." His eyes turned pleading, an intensity within them I was sure I hadn't witnessed before. "I don't want to ignore it anymore, what I feel for you. I can't keep holding back."

I pulled my hands into fists, resisting every temptation to throw away resolve and allow myself to experience the warm glow of happiness his revelation brought. There was no denying the way in which my walls started to weaken, mercilessly barraged by the raw emotion he was exposing.

**_Don’t give in Alexys. His life, and yours, depend on it._ **

****

The voice toughened my determination, enough to keep my willpower solid against the craving to surge into his arms.

“I guess I’m just stronger than you are,” I muttered, turning again to prevent my eyes catching any type of reaction in Poe’s face. Even one glimpse would make me crumble.

I stormed down the hallway, desperate for the isolation of my quarters, closing the entry and setting the lock. Falling back into the door, my teeth felt like they were going to shatter if I clenched my jaw any tighter.

My brain focused solely on the rhythm of my breathing, centring on the quickened rate, trying to force it into a more calmed pace. Soon I began to concentrate on expanding my lungs, inhaling until the space was full of air, letting it sit there as long as I could hold, before allowing it to whistle out of my nostrils.

That’s all I permitted myself to think of, the slow inhale and exhale, imagining the oxygen particles seeping into my bloodstream, travelling to every cell in my body, keeping me functioning amongst the turmoil thrashing through my soul. 

*

Time passed. I wasn’t really keeping track on how quickly. Imprisoned in my own mind, pacing my quarters, continuing the attention on my breathing. It was the only thing that kept me stable, that pushed away the memories of Poe’s voice ringing in my thoughts.

Eventually my legs grew fatigued from the movement, and I placed myself on the sofa, dropping my head into my hands, grasping my fingers through my hair in frustration.

_He couldn’t have just left it alone. He couldn’t have just ignored it, departed this planet and forgot all that happened here._

A memory slipped through the cracks, pushing its way out into the forefront of my awareness. One that refused to be smothered.

_'I would come back for you_.' 

I shook my head within my clenched hands, trying to physically rid myself of it. I wanted to claw my fingers into my brain, pluck the memory from my inside my head and banish it forever, never to torture me again.

**_Breathe. Focus on your breathing Alexys._ **

The voice caused a realisation to strike, how hard it had become, my ribs stuck in place, intercostal muscles rigid, refusing to let my lungs inflate. It felt as if gravity had increased its pressure over my body, making me crumple underneath its increased weight. The load was too much, my head screaming for oxygen.

I knew what was happening, I knew I was in the throes of a crushing panic, but was helpless to stop the cascade of anxiety from taking over.

Instinct was quick to surface, telling me _exactly_ what to do. What I’d done only once before.

I withdrew my fingers from their entanglement within my hair, placing the tips on each side of my temple, and within my depths, I set it free. The energy swiftly begun to course through my blood, bringing with it an incredible radiance that lit up my veins. It crawled its way through every capillary, every vessel, as if it was replacing my own blood with its glow.

Soon, it weaved itself through my chest cavity, relaxing the muscles clamping down on my lungs, the relief of an easier breath making me feel lighter instantly. It's journey didn’t cease, surging through my neck to my brain, twirling in between the individual neurons, clouding me with a feeling of peace, serenity, the rest of the world blocked off from my senses.

I wanted to stay in this place forever. Every fear, every sadness, every frustration, all of it melting away into nothing. I felt whole, a brilliant euphoria shimmering from every part of my being.

**_Let go. You can’t linger here for too long._ **

****

My fingernails were suddenly pierced into the pillows of the sofa, panting, grateful I had something to remind me not to surrender myself to the dangerous void any longer. The energy recoiled instantly, my own invisible hands pushing it within the confinement I'd kept it behind for much of my life. I took a moment to push it even deeper down my consciousness, praying it would be too far for Rey to sense when she arrived.

The panic was gone, my chest moving in even time, an aura of composure enduring even with the healing energy locked away. But it also left me exhausted, my brain feeling slightly fuzzy with fatigue. Although for this, I was glad. Even a short time in the peace of sleep would stop me from thinking about Poe.

I had just risen from my seat, about to walk to the comfort of my bed for however long time would allow, when there was a solid bang at my door. I tilted my head in confusion at the noise, knowing Poe would have simply knocked if he wanted entry. Although right now, that seemed extremely unlikely.

When I heard an artificial squealing piercing the air behind the wood, it was obvious what had made the sound.

BB-8 was still beeping urgently when I allowed him entry into my quarters, whizzing past my legs before I even had time to greet him. I noticed the sound of the ‘fresher running as he rolled quickly to the space before my sofa, his head movements darting from me to the pillow where I had just been seated. He wanted me to sit down, that was clear, but I couldn’t determine _why_.

I did what was requested, settling back down, BB-8 at my feet, his eye appearing to whir and focus in on my face. He was quiet for a moment, doing what I could only imagine was a droid’s version of thinking, before his head darted away. Suddenly a burst of blue light flickered into the air, floating the outline of an image on top of the metal table that sat in front of us.

_He was showing me a hologram_.

It was fuzzy at first, slowly becoming clearer, displaying a scene I hadn’t been privy to this afternoon. The simulated image of Poe was sitting at my office desk, his own hologram transmission only just visible in the blue beam.

It appeared BB was showing me a long way into their discussion, Poe’s face stressed as he listened to the multiple figures in the holo, their lips forming words that only came out muffled.

“I don’t think you should be showing me this BB-8,” I fretted quietly, acknowledging how private Poe had been with Resistance information.

BB-8 beeped insistently, sounding like he disagreed, and continued playing the holo. The voices became more defined, eventually loud enough for me to make them out.

_“We’ll have another X-wing ready for you as soon as you make planet fall,”_ an older woman’s voice explained.

I could only assume it was Leia’s, holding a gentle yet authoritative tone.

_“Do you think you’ll be ready to attempt the mission again as soon as you return?”_

Poe didn’t immediately answer, and I could almost make out the pain in his holo image.

 _“What is it?”_ another woman, a lot younger sounding, questioned. Her voice was more on edge than Leia’s, speech displaying an accent I wasn’t familiar with. This was most likely Rey. _“Are you still too injured?”_

 _“I’m fine,”_ Poe reassured. _“Better than fine really. Alex… uh, Dr. Jago had me walking within the first few days. And everything else has healed well enough.”_

Yet another voice, this time a man's, piped in.

_“You broke your leg and she got you walking that quickly? There’s no way.”_

Poe rolled his eyes, the small movement still obvious in the flickering image. _“Finn, you nearly died and you can still doubt the effect of bacta? That stuff fixed your shattered spine for maker's sake.”_

 _“Still took more than a few days though,”_ Finn mumbled.

 _“It’s irrelevant,”_ Leia interjected, seemingly annoyed for a moment, before softening. _“Is something wrong Poe?”_

His eyes looked down from the hologram in front of him, hesitant to answer.

 _“Is there…”_ he started, breathing in as if to gain courage. _“Is there anyone else who could make that flight?”_

All three of the figures recoiled in disbelief at the question.

 _“You’re the best pilot we have,”_ Leia said definitively. “ _There’s **no** one else who could navigate that route except you.”_

 _“What about Rey?”_ he retorted, looking to her figure insistently. _“She’s got the Force to help her.”_

Rey sighed, troubled. _“I... already tried. I thought maybe your navigation system may have malfunctioned, preventing any tracking, but that you’d still made it to-”_

BB-8’s hologram suddenly became engulfed in static for a few moments, leaving me unable to hear the destination of Poe’s mission. Eventually the picture cleared into the same scene, only a few seconds later.

 _“-but I couldn’t make it through. It was too dangerous to traverse, even with the Force to guide me,”_ she finished, disappointment glaring within her tone.

 _“Why are you even asking us to find someone else?”_ Finn challenged. _“You were more than ready to do it yourself a week ago.”_

Poe gritted his teeth, looking somewhat ashamed. _“I know.”_

There was silence in the holo, and for a moment I thought this was all BB-8 wanted to show me. But Leia’s voice struck up again.

_“Finn, Rey, could you let me talk to Poe privately?”_

From their small faces I could still see them look quizzically at each other, Finn appearing more puzzled by the request. But they left under the General’s orders, slinking past the frame of the holo.

_“Poe… Tell me. Tell me what’s changed,”_ Leia urged softly. _“You and I both know you’re the only one who can do this. And if there’s something worrying you, or making you doubt yourself, you need to tell me.”_

He looked despairingly at her, uncomfortable with the prospect of hiding anything from his General. _“I don’t want to admit it.”_

Leia breathed out heavily. She began to pace inside the holo, arms folded in thought, before turning back to speak to Poe again, her face gentle.

_“It’s the doctor, isn’t it?”_

It took an excruciatingly long time before Poe responded, finally nodding his head.

I felt every muscle in my body tense at his reply. My heart thumped with elation, not under my own control, pulsing hot blood through my system.

_“I thought so,”_ Leia whispered. _“I... wasn’t expecting this.”_

 _“Neither was I, General. I’m sorry,”_ he breathed back, looking ashamed.

The expression he wore, filled with such unyielding turmoil, shot a pang of cold ice through me.

Leia looked kindly to him, her face melting into understanding. _“Oh Poe, you don’t have to apologise. You aren’t the first, and you won’t be the last, to question everything for the sake of their emotions.”_

 _“I want to do what we planned. I do. I’m ready,”_ he asserted, voice rising into confidence, only for his face to fall again. _“But every time I think of leaving her…”_ His face became buried in his hands, frustrated, unable to finish his sentence.

 _“Does she feel the same way?”_ Leia queried.

 _“I don’t know,”_ Poe muffled under his palms. _“I... think so. She’s holding back. Her loyalty to this clinic is annoyingly similar to mine with the Resistance.”_

_“So she wouldn’t consider coming with you, joining us? We desperately need doctors of her calibre.”_

He pulled his face back up. _“I asked. And she refused. She would never want to leave, fearing for the health of her patients without her here. Not to mention she’s staunchly against the war we’re fighting in.”_

 _“She sounds like someone I would like to meet,”_ Leia smiled to herself. _“So... That’s why you don’t want to return yet. Why you need someone else to complete the mission. You want more time with her.”_

Poe nodded slowly. _“I know we don’t have much time to get-”_

Another fuzz intercepted Poe’s speech, an additional piece of information too confidential for my ears.

_“-but I just… I just don’t want to go yet. If someone was able to go in my stead, then I wouldn’t be completely dooming us. I know it’s selfish… Irrational… But the thought of leaving her behind right now, on a mission I might not make it back from… It’s too much.”_

_“Oh,”_ Leia mouthed, her voice muted. _“Do you… Do you think that you…”_

She didn’t have to finish her question. Poe knew what she was implying.

_“I… think I could. If I had more time, a chance to figure it out.”_

His revelation made me stop breathing, a tear wriggling from the duct, crawling down my face. My hands trembled in my lap, heartbeat pulsing with increased pace.

Leia sighed loudly, her stress evident. _“I wish I could Poe. I would want nothing more than to give you this, after all you’ve given for the Resistance. But you’re the **only** one who has a chance of completing this mission, and we are desperately running out of time and options.”_

Poe clenched his eyes shut as she finished, his jaw tightening, lips fighting back a frown. He took a few moments held in this position before relaxing himself back into composure, his face serious and professional. 

_“I understand,”_ he replied flatly. _“I’ll get this mission accomplished General. See you back at the base.”_

 _“I’m truly sorry Poe-”_ Leia began to apologise, only to be interrupted by his sharp tone.

_“It’s fine. Tell the engineers to make sure the new X-wing is prepped before my return. I want to leave as soon as possible.”_

Leia nodded, her expression remorseful.

Suddenly the blue, illuminated image was ripped from my view, the rest of my quarters coming back into focus around me.

My body was stuck, motionless in the now painful silence filling the air. Inside my mind there was chaos, memories of the hologram darting around randomly. I tried to capture at least one rational thought, to analyse the emotions bubbling up from within my chest.

He wanted to stay. For me. Everything he wanted to accomplish, for the Resistance, for his friends, for his parents, for the galaxy. He wanted to put it all on hold.

_Just for me_.

He’d been right. I _was_ holding it back, the same thing he felt, and it was clawing at my insides, desperately wanting to be set free.

Purely out of my selfishness, my own excuses, the voice in my head threatening our lives. All of it keeping me from what I really wanted.

Him. I wanted him. To be close to him. Even if it was just for a little while.

**_You’re giving in? So easily?_ **

_Damn right I am._


	8. Chaos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a big one guys, brace yourselves!

I rushed to my quarter’s door, opening and closing it behind me in one swift action, eyes latching onto Poe's shape as he walked across the frame of the hallway.

My legs weren’t quick enough for me as I moved down, impatient, a flurry of sparks in my abdomen beginning to crackle as embers of desire ignited into smouldering flames.

Poe glanced up instantly when he heard my hurried movement, confusion settling into his expression as I came into view.

My thoughts of dashing directly to him were momentarily on hold when I noticed the change in his appearance, wearing the clothes I had set aside for his to return to the Resistance base. Dark trousers, the calves covered by a set of heavy boots that luckily matched his size. A white cotton shirt draped by a mahogany stained leather jacket.

It was so plain, a mundane outfit for everyday wear. And it was driving me _insane_.

I surged forward, eyes blistering into his. He looked worried, bewildered at my purposeful expression and tense strides. But as soon as I was before him, looking up, his face millimetres from mine, he knew.

He sensed all of it bursting in the energy around me. The desire, the need, the longing I’d been holding back.

In the next instant, he scooped my face in his hands, frantically pressing our lips together, wasting no time with the politeness he'd executed the last time he attempted to kiss me, slanting his lips fervently over mine, so desperate, so _hungry_.

I responded just as eagerly, massaging our mouths together, slipping one of my hands up to his freshly shaved jaw, relishing the luxurious smell that sifted into my nose.

The softness of his lips, the heat of his exhale, it was utterly intoxicating, my fingers coiling harshly into his still slightly dampened hair, wrenching him closer.

_I needed more_.

As if my thoughts were transferred to him by our connection, he moved his lips away, beginning to trail hot kisses over the line of my jaw and down my neck, as I leaned my head back to give him every ounce of exposure to my skin.

His hands slid down to my torso, placed roughly at either side of my ribs, gripping tightly as the delicate touch of his lips at the line of my clavicle pulled a soft moan from my throat, feeling almost lightheaded at the pleasure it rushed through me.

The sound made him frenzied, returning to crush his mouth to mine, slipping his tongue past the boundary of my teeth, completely enraptured, almost _greedy_.

Using his grip on my waist, I felt him begin to push me, guiding me in a haphazard walk until my lower back connected against a hard piece of furniture. The hospital bed.

In a fluid motion, he clutched my hips and hoisted me upwards, my rear perched on the edge of the mattress, a small gasp escaping my throat at his boldness.

The tightened material of my skirt held my legs annoying close together, impeding his clear desire to keep his body pressed to mine. Fingers snatched at the hem, impatiently pushing the fabric up my thighs, daring to expose my underwear.

Poe immediately shifted to wedge himself in between my legs, and I took the opportunity to wrap them around him, pulling him close. The height of the bed put our hips at a matching angle, allowing me to feel him, _all of him_ , his hard arousal grinding into the thin fabric of my panties.

While our lips continued to caress each other’s with increasing fervour, an impossibly delicious groan left him, relishing the sensation of his cock pressed harshly into me.

_Oh maker, that sound is heavenly._

Instinct took control, my fingers moving blindly to find the collar of his jacket, tugging it back over his shoulders, Poe helping me to pull the leather sleeves past his wrists, refusing to let our faces disconnect.

My actions weren’t nearly as graceful, scrunching my hands impatiently into the bottom of his shirt, desperate to finally get the chance to trace my fingers over his bare chest. He barely hesitated in pulling back for the second it took to tug the cotton over his head, returning to my lips again like the momentary pause had left him starving for them.

I was all fire inside, searing heat lighting up my skin in the most enchanting way, the intensity only getting hotter as I snaked my arms around Poe’s torso, letting my fingers dig into the toned muscles of his back.

He growled in between impassioned kisses, his hands sliding from where they had found themselves on my hips, up over my breasts, only lingering briefly.

I felt him begin to unlock the buttons of my blouse, one by one, hurriedly wanting to expose my skin to the cold air of night resting around us. Returning his previous favour, I yanked out the material tucked into my skirt, allowing him to finish pulling the last buttons apart and hastily wrench the piece of clothing away.

Feeling his fingertips run up the lengths of my arms, I could have sworn there were marks left in the shape of his movement, a crimson red pleasure burning into my skin at his touch.

Our kiss had maintained its intensity, but I could sense his focus drifting towards other parts of me, a hand gliding down my chest, slipping gently into the cup of my bra, fingers squeezing at my breast tenderly before a thumb grazed lightly over the already hardened nipple.

I gasped, my head leaning back in delight, as he continued to tease the nub, his face nuzzling into my neck, brushing his lips just under my ear.

The whistle of his breath sent a glittering shiver all through my nerve endings, setting my skin alight with electricity.

Nails dug harder into his back, my whole body beginning to pulse with lust, radiating solely from my centre, a wetness extremely noticeable underneath my panties.

And somehow, Poe read my mind again, with a hand trailing down, irritatingly slowly. I soon felt his fingers cautiously skim the inside of my thigh, testing me, possibly still waiting for me to flee.

There was no way. My regard for that pointless line I'd been so fearful to traverse was so far behind me in the horizon, I could barely sense it anymore.

I pulled back to meet his face, only to move in to gently bite his lower lip, a way to indicate I was ready, to push him to keep going.

His growl was almost _fierce_ as we connected in a kiss once more, fingers now finding their confidence to graze from the bottom of my entrance all the way up.

Even with fabric dulling the exquisite sensation, my hips jerked into his hand, legs clamping around him harder, lungs sucking in a delighted breath.

I could feel him smile under my lips, smugly enjoying the reaction one simple touch produced. Two fingers continued to brush up and down my covered slit, gauging my response as he moved, before landing on the place that made me bite back a moan.

“Don’t hold it back,” he whispered into my ear. “I want to memorise the sound.”

I could have burst into a ball of flames right then, leaving behind nothing but embers and ash.

The pleasure that rippled through me at the low rumble of his voice, combined with the increased swirling of his fingers over my sweet spot, was unparalleled to anything I’d experienced before.

I was completely drowned in the luscious motion, equally enraptured by his touch and warm, panting breath seeping into my ear. I was already so high on the feel of him, the twitching of my thighs signifying a climbing need for release.

Yet I was suddenly _acutely_ aware of seconds ticking away too swiftly, worried at any moment this scene could be snatched away by interruption.

“We don’t have much time,” I breathed, slipping my hands to his cheeks, forcing him look at me. His eyes held mine for a single moment before his fingers increased their pace on me, and I was helpless but to cry out in bliss.

His breath grew heavier at the sound, and when I was able to reclaim enough composure to look back into his eyes again, they were fiery, animalistic.

“I want you,” I all but begged. “I _need_ you, right now.”

A low groan seeped from his throat, eyes clenching shut as he pushed his hardness against me once more, refusing to cease the perfect swirl of his touch.

“I need to hear you tip over the edge, at least once, before I leave,” he murmured, a desperate hunger singeing his tone.

My mouth enveloped his moments after he spoke the words, the strength of his lust radiating harshly into me.

I was defenceless against it, wanting nothing more than to give him what he desired, thrusting myself against his hand, ravenously eager for the release he craved.

Finally, he hooked a lone finger into the top of my panties, ready to pull them down.

A shrill tone echoed through the clinic.

_They were here_.

_We were out of time._

We both shot our eyes to the door, Poe’s head whipping around after hearing the familiar sound of my door alarm.

“ _Frack_!” he exclaimed, before snapping his face back to mine.

A longing gaze exchanged between us, shared anguish over the night we could have spent together, as the reality of distance separating our bodies for an unknown time, maybe to never meet again, came crashing down in an instant.

Within the next moment he had his fingers laced through my hair, pulling me into an ardent kiss, intimate and slow, lips moving purposefully over mine.

I tried desperately to savour the feeling of it, the taste, the smell of him, all of it, into my memory. It would never compare to this moment, yet I still grasped onto every little piece and locked the fragments into my mind.

We didn’t have the time to relish in each other anymore, the concealment of our indiscretion now immediately important before I could open the clinic door.

I moved messily to replace my blouse, brain still blurry with the sudden fall of my ascending pleasure, struggling with the buttons under the pressure of seconds ticking by. Poe plucked his shirt and jacket off the floor, shrugging them on one after the other, still looking as effortlessly handsome as before I rushed into his arms.

He held his hand out to help me off the bed and I took it gladly, stepping down with a gentle hop, shimmying down the tight fabric of my skirt as I walked to the door. Poe followed behind me, noticing in my peripheries as he held back to reposition himself, the evidence of our close contact harder for him to hide.

Taking one last moment to flatten the hair Poe had disrupted from my ponytail, I inhaled hard, focusing all my energy on the locked box hidden in the depths of my brain, covering it in as many invisible layers I could muster in the moment before opening the door.

Inquisitive faces greeted me, somehow both familiar and extremely foreign.

Finn, dark skinned and looking every bit of the typical rebel fighter, a tan pocketed jacket emblazoned with the Resistance insignia draping his torso, a blaster discretely holstered to his hip.

Rey was _precisely_ how I imagined a young female Jedi to look, glowing sun-speckled skin with brown hair curled into three distinct buns, roughened white fabric wrapped meticulously around her petite yet strong looking frame, cinched at the waist by a thick brown strap where a silver lightsaber handle hung.

“Dr Jago?” Finn asked suspiciously, eyes narrowed in confusion.

I smiled sweetly, pretending these people hadn’t shown up in perfect time to rip Poe and I from our long-awaited entanglement.

“That’s me, but please just call me Alex. You must be Finn.”

I held out my hand for him to shake, and he took it strongly, face still contorted in doubt. I ignored it to greet Rey in the same fashion.

“And you’re Rey, right? Poe told me you were coming.”

I tried to ignore the burning sensation of my lips, hoping they didn’t seem as swollen as they felt. She smiled just as kindly back at me, a radiance bursting from her expression so bright that I could feel it pulse into the shield I held around my shape.

_She was already so strong. I could sense it._

“It’s so good to meet you,” she greeted. “We’ve been told you’re to thank for saving our Commander’s life.”

“I was just doing my job,” I replied modestly, the itchy feeling of praise scratching me again.

Poe stepped into their view just as my words were spoken, pulling all of their focus with him. I slipped back to allow their joyful reunion to occur without the interruption of a stranger, each entering into an emotional hug, exclaiming how glad they were to see him alive and well. They seemed close, and it warmed me to see Poe so relieved to be in the presence of his friends.

They dived quickly into conversation, Finn and Rey describing their perilous journey here, having to navigate their way around the Indrexu Spiral, an asteroid and comet debris filled nebula separating Raxus from much of the galaxy.

As they spoke, I couldn’t help but study Rey’s face for any recognition, any single trace of suspicion connected to what I had buried away.

But I couldn’t feel anything, no sliver of energy examining me. She seemed at rest, barely a fragment of attention focused in my direction. While it was comforting to know she wasn’t on alert, my vigilance remained acute, not risking the relaxation of my imperceptible protection.

It was towards the end of their conversing I noticed Poe glancing at me, implicating me as their topic of discussion. Finn and Rey had also looked my way, waiting for an answer.

“Sorry what?” I sputtered, broken free of my internal musings.

“The crash?” Finn repeated. “Did you see it happen?”

I shook my head, a memory of the booming sound it had made flashing in my mind. “Only the aftermath. But it was an incredibly hard collision, made the walls shake and everything.”

“And Poe hadn’t performed an emergency ejection, right?” Rey queried, significance weighing her question. It was obvious they were trying to collect some clues to the moments leading up to Poe’s accident.

“That’s right. He’d blown right through the transparisteel and landed not far from the hull. I believe it was that impact that broke his bones. His burns however, definitely occurred before that, since I’d found him in a space that hadn’t caught fire.”

Rey creased her eyebrows together. “So the X-wing was already on fire? Before it crashed?”

“That’s what we can gather,” Poe concurred while nodding to me, reiterating a conversation we’d had during our Sabbac game, when I was detailing the events from the night I found him. “Alex had already gotten me inside the clinic before the whole ship exploded, so there wasn’t really anything left to search over, to see what might have happened before I lost consciousness and crashed here.”

“Well, that pile of rubble won’t be giving us an answer anytime soon,” Finn agreed.

His eyes then glanced to Poe, looking over him carefully, absorbed in his own thoughts, before speaking up again.

“Hey, what kind of bacta do you keep here? This guy barely looks like he’s had a dent put in him.”

Poe and Rey both shot him irritated looks.

“What? I’m just asking,” he huffed back.

I laughed cautiously. “It was decent quality bacta, I guess. I’d show you my stock but Poe’s injuries kinda cleaned me out.”

_Hold on to that lie for dear life Alex._

“It mustn’t have been that bad then? I mean, it took me two weeks soaking in a bacta coma to fix the cracks in my back. How come you got him walking within three days?”

“Finn!” Rey hissed. Poe rolled his eyes.

“Trust me. I felt the pain. It was _bad_ ,” he murmured. It still troubled him, the memory of it. I could tell in the smallest fluctuation in his voice.

Rather than retort with words I moved to find my data pad at the tech station, flicking the screen to the images of Poe’s X-rays, handing it to Finn.

“Those were taken after I managed to pull the bone back under his skin,” I said curtly.

I couldn’t help but feel a wash of insult come over me with his questioning. I still could have fixed that break just fine if it hadn’t caused a waterfall of blood to spurt out.

It was then a tendril of what felt like heavy smoke brushed at my skin, invisible, moving slowly over me, searching for an opening inside.

Rey had sensed the shift in my mood and was evidently trying to find the thought that caused it.

The cloud surrounded me in an instant, striving to break into the impenetrable shield.

_It was time_.

A moment I’d avoided for years, finally staring me in the face, here to test the defences I'd worked so hard to build.

The fog persisted to waft over me, and I could _feel_ Rey’s curiosity through the energy field she was secretly emitting.

I didn’t dare look to her face, not wanting to seem as though I could sense what was happening, to give any evidence to her suspicion.

Finn had continued to look through my notes on Poe’s progress, his eyes scanning and widening as he read over the intimate details. The facts were there, with a small fabrication as to the method of mending the severed artery.

I’d written that I’d managed to patch it with military grade fibrin glue, something I would never be able to afford or even have sent here in a _zillion_ years.

_But they wouldn’t know that._

It felt _dirty_ inputting the forgery within Poe's notes, as dirty as I felt every other time I'd been forced to explain how a patient pulled through under my care. It was for their benefit, their life, but it still felt so unethical to lie.

“Where’d you learn to do this?” Finn finally asked, acknowledging the effort I had put into getting Poe back into the picture of health that stood with us.

“Coruscant, and a myriad of other planets I was sent to while stationed on hospital ships for war relief efforts.”

Evidently Poe hadn’t gone into too much detail about my past, which I was grateful for.

“Well, you’re damn good, especially being so young,” Finn complimented, finally relaxing his stance. “Maybe if you were with the Resistance I wouldn’t have been in a bacta bubble for so long.”

I let my lips curl into an awkward smile. “I’m sure I would have done no better than the doctors there.”

“You sure? We could really use-”

“Finn,” Poe stopped, chuckling. “Don’t try the spiel on her. She’s not interested.”

He gave me a comforting look, and it made me desperately want to turn back time, just to find myself in his arms again once more.

Finn shrugged, and turned to look at Rey, as I used the opportunity to peek at her face. Her head was tilted in subtle confusion, instantly knowing it was due to my shield holding strong against the inquisitive mist that wished to search through my mind.

When my eyes drifted to hers it retracted, the intense haze promptly recoiling back into her body.

“Shouldn’t we get going?” Finn posed, raising his hand to pat Poe on the arm. “We’ve got orders to get our Commander back ASAP.”

Rey nodded, focused back onto the current circumstance.

“Right,” she agreed, looking to Poe's tense expression. “Let’s get you home. Leia’s waiting for you.”

I felt the blood drain from my face, a cold shock fizzling in my bones. I had no willpower available to prevent myself from fixing my gaze to Poe's face, watching as he immediately glared back, a similar distress glowing in his irises.

“BB-8!” he suddenly yelled. “We can’t leave without him.”

His friends were in agreement, quickly realising the droid had yet to make his entrance.

“Oh! He’s, _uh_ , in my quarters,” I mumbled, recalling I’d closed the door behind me with him still inside. “He barged in while you were in the ‘fresher.”

An immense awareness overcame Poe’s face, realising exactly what his little robot friend had done.

I motioned my head towards the hallway. “Let’s go retrieve him, and we can get your things from the office while we’re at it.”

He was responsive to the hidden meaning behind my request, explaining quickly to Finn and Rey,

“We’ll be right back.”

He was at my heels, following me down the hallway, before I turned quickly into the darkened study, both of us slipping behind the door and clicking it shut.

I was suddenly pressed against the wall, hands grasping at my waist as Poe’s lips found mine in the shadowed blackness. I kissed him urgently, clawing my fingers into his jacket to pull him closer.

This was it, our secret goodbye.

“He showed you,” Poe said softly after pulling away, forehead leaning into mine. I opened my lids, his eyes only barely visible by the subtle illumination afforded from the rim of the entryway.

“Only the important things,” I smirked. “Nothing confidential about your mission.”

He exhaled, breath brushing my cheeks. “Should have known he was recording, sneaky little droid.”

His tone turned grim; a heavy moment hanging in the air between us.

“So you understand why I have to leave.”

I brought my hand to his cheek, grazing my fingers on the skin. “I do. In the same way you know why I can’t go with you.”

Poe swallowed hard, his hands tensing their grip on me. “I’ll come back. If I get through this, I’ll come back to you. To finish what we started.”

“Okay,” I breathed. “ _Please_ don’t crash on another planet.”

He chuckled lowly before sinking onto my lips again, a kiss sweetened with meaning and... _hope_.

Hope for another chance to be in each other’s arms again.

*

I was the first to exit the study, a cold shiver moving through me, trying to grapple with my gloom while maintaining the buffer around my mind in case Rey made another effort to reach out again.

I opened the door to my quarters, BB-8 waiting impatiently behind it. I kneeled down to speak to him directly, leaning in close.

“Thank you BB,” I whispered.

He beeped expectantly at me, asking a question I somehow knew the answer to. When I nodded back, he wiggled his body gleefully, chattering a cascade of sweetened beeps.

My smile was hard to contain, only slightly curious as to why this little droid was so invested in his owner’s love life.

I’d stood back up just as Poe pulled the office door closed, a satchel over his shoulder filled with some of the tools and spare parts I was more than happy to have offloaded, as well as some of the remnant tech of his flight suit that had survived after I’d ripped it to pieces.

He squinted at BB-8. “We’re going to have a _stern_ discussion when we get on the Falcon,” he rumbled.

But BB-8 didn’t seem to care, squealing happily as he whizzed off down the hallway.

Poe and I took one last moment together, alone, in silence. I took his hand, squeezing it.

“I’ll be waiting. You know where to find me,” I murmured delicately, motioning for him to lead the way.

There was an obvious turmoil in Poe's eyes, his jaw tense as pupils studied my face, strengthening our grip, before letting his hand slip from mine.

BB-8 was cheerfully enjoying the welcoming scritches of Rey as we entered into the clinic room, Finn bending down to pat the droids head. Both were clearly pleased he had managed to survive the ordeal as intact as Poe.

On noticing our return, their postures straightened, an aura of urgency seeming to fill the atmosphere.

“Come on, Chewie’s waiting,” Finn encouraged.

Each made their move to exit out the front door of the clinic as I followed slowly behind them, leaning my form against the frame of the door, watching hopelessly as Poe walked away, furiously clutching the impulse to beg for him to stay.

Rey suddenly veered back to me. I was on high alert at her abrupt turn, bracing my shield against any inquisitive energy.

She leaned in close to me, a gentle kindness set in her demeanour.

“Thank you. For what you did. If you ever need anything, the Resistance would be more than willing to help.”

I let go of the breath I was holding, beaming back at her. “Thank you, I appreciate that.”

An invisible pounding force hit my body, rattling every one of my senses. As my view came into focus again, Rey still standing before me, I knew she had felt the same thing.

Our eyes darted to the sky above us, a flickering light emanating from a lone ship only barely visible in the night sky. Reactions were synchronised, stares shooting back to each other, instantly comprehending exactly what was about to happen.

“Come with us,” she pleaded. “We can keep you safe.”

Finn and Poe had already looked back, not sensing the entrance of an enemy force into the atmosphere, only hearing Rey's hushed, imploring tone.

“Get out of here, while you can still do it unnoticed,” I hissed. “I can handle it.”

Poe stormed back over to where we stood, already perceiving a rising problem. “What? What’s wrong?”

Rey and I looked at each other, gauging the thoughts showing in our eyes. I recklessly spoke first, regretting it the instant I slipped the words.

“Poe, if you want to complete that mission, you need to get on that ship. _Now_.”

His face became hardened. “They found us, didn’t they?”

His fiery stare moved between Rey and I, a heated impatience exploding in his expression when we didn’t answer immediately.

Eventually, Rey spoke calmly. “They’ll make landfall within the minute.”

She was right, the ship’s figure becoming larger over seconds.

“Please go,” I begged. “They won’t hurt me as long as you make yourself scarce.”

“ _No_ ,” he snarled. “I’m not leaving you here to face them.”

Rey rushed to face him, frantic. “She’s right. They’ll see she’s innocent in this. And then we can get far enough away that they won’t be able to track us.”

“You’ve seen how they interrogate people of interest Rey,” he protested. “They won’t just ask some questions and move on.”

“Poe!” Finn hollered, being privy to our conversation. “Stop being heroic for five minutes and let’s go!”

But, the moment for fleeing had passed.

A sleek black transporter ship was careening directly for us, no doubt having already spotted the unmistakable form of the Millennium Falcon.

Poe rushed to me in long strides, gripping my wrist and attempting to pull me with him.

“You have to come with us! They won’t let you stay here.” His eyes were frantic with fear.

He was right. I was now entangled within their web, simply by being seen fraternising with Resistance fighters. And the First Order wouldn’t take that lightly.

_Damn it. Damn it all._

“Get on the Falcon,” Rey instructed, her voice formidable, turning to her comrades. “We’ll need to incapacitate whoever’s on this ship before we have a chance of leaving.”

She unclipped her lightsaber, looking to Finn with an unspoken message, before calling towards the ship.

“Chewie! We need you! And bring an extra blaster!”

The ship had made a swift landing, dust swirling in the harsh white lights that illuminated the scene, hatch opening down in a speedy thunk.

I barely had time to peer at the figures exiting into the earthy fog before Poe had begun to usher me toward the Millennium Falcon, pressing hard on the small of my back, urging me to hurry. I heard the sound of Rey’s lightsaber springing to life with a low hum, before a distressed shout.

“Death troopers!”

I twisted around to face the enemy shapes, at least six of what looked like Stormtroopers, heavily clad in armour as black as the night around us, a green glow at the bottom of their helmets.

“I thought the First Order didn’t use them!” Poe bellowed.

“Well they do now!” Rey hollered, placing herself in a defensive stance.

Suddenly the world around me erupted into chaos, a mess of blaster fire screeching into the spaces around us.

A red bolt shot towards Poe and I, barely allowing time to flee before it struck the ground in a sizzling puff of embers. I’d thrown myself onto my knees, covering my head as if it would be enough to shield me. Hesitantly, I looked up again to see a blaster flying over me, thrown from the looming Wookie storming towards us.

“Run Alex! Run to the ship!” Poe ordered, catching it easily within his grasp, firing directly into the fray of hostile soldiers. I straightened to follow his instruction, adrenaline making my legs feel like static, taking only a few irritatingly slow steps before a shower of blaster fire raced past my leg.

_Truly the worst day to be wearing a skirt._

The shots were so close to my skin I could feel the heat sting me, causing a pain that made it even harder to keep my steps moving. I raced past Chewie, who had quickly joined his friends in returning fire in on the encroaching Death troopers.

Behind me I made out the noise of a lightsaber blade scorching against armour, another pained grunt filling the air amongst the discharge of lasers. The sound burned me, familiar and _agonising_ , guilt uncontrollably surging through my body.

I was almost at the ramp of the Millennium Falcon when another Death trooper entered from under the cover of night, blaster raised with threatening intent.

_Asshole must have slipped around in the darkness_.

I froze immediately, waiting for the pain of burning laser to hit me. But the trooper simply moved forward, and instinct caused me to step backward in panic, legs shaking. My hands were quivering just as much, raising them up in a signal of surrender. I wanted to speak, to attempt to explain my lack of allegiance to the group they were hunting, but it occurred to me; I would probably be wasting my words.

The trooper continued to edge me back towards the skirmish playing out behind us, forcing me away from the shelter of the Falcon. He had brought his blaster higher to his helmet, aiming, poised to shoot if I made the slightest move to run again.

The barrage of blaster fire continued to pierce the atmosphere, and I was desperate to turn around, only to see if Poe and his friends were still alive in the midst of it all. But I was forced into submission by the menacing stranger in front of me, now pushing as much distance as they could between me and my escape.

A lone shot then flew past my hip, hitting the Death trooper in an apparent weak spot on his knee, the laser searing through his armour and into the flesh beneath. He fell to the ground instantly, gasping in pain, the recognisable smell of burnt flesh filtering into my nose.

My head swivelled to the origin of the well-placed shot, seeing Chewie let out a bellowing growl, before returning to the direction where two Death troopers still remained standing. I scanned quickly to find Poe and Finn engaged in combat with a sole trooper, ducking and weaving out of the melee strikes of their opponent, trying to gain an opportunity to use their blasters to break through the thick armour.

Yet, my attention was suddenly called to the body on the ground next to me, as I made out the crackle of a transmission message.

“The rebels were here, including the Jedi,” the distorted voice shouted behind his helmet. “Alert the Supreme Leader. And send assistance.”

“They’re calling for backup!” I yelled, running over to the scene of battle, hoping my voice would carry over the swish of Rey’s lightsaber and countless blaster bolts. “Kylo Ren knows you’re here!”

My shriek sprouted a moment of distraction from the Death troopers, allowing Rey to make a fatal swing into her opponents back, his figure crumbling to the ground and a sizzling heap.

Finn was also able to make a daring move to sweep his foot around the ankle of the second trooper, causing him to stagger into the bombardment of shots from Poe’s blaster.

“Everybody on the Falcon, now!” Poe ordered.

Our movements were synchronised as we made a break for the ship from differing points on the field. I wasn’t as quick as the others, the burns on my legs not being dulled by adrenaline anymore, limping into a run. Each had already made it up the ramp when I felt two excruciating scalds strike my thigh, making me tumble to the ground, screeching in pain.

“Alex!” I heard Poe shout, the thump of my heartbeat drowning out the sound. I could barely make out his figure on the ramp of the ship, my eyes blurred in agony.

“Go! You don’t have time!” I heaved back, breathless.

“She’s right Poe!”

Finn had his hand gripped around his arm, trying to pull him up into the ship’s interior. “We’ll all die if we stay any longer!”

My strength to stay alert was wavering, feeling the wounds already seeping blood onto my skin and into the ground beneath me. Poe wrestled under Finn’s clutch, fighting the truth of his statement. But the logical side of his brain was triumphant, ending his defiance against the pull on his body inside the Falcon.

“I’ll find you! I _promise_!” he shouted in the moment before the ships ramp retracted and the engines roared into life. It moved swiftly into the sky, disappearing into the night within seconds, a burst of light glinting into a brushed line, zooming into hyperspace before I even took my next breath.

I turned myself onto my back, gasping through the throbbing ache of my leg wound. Using my last whispers of strength, I rose into a seated position, flinching hard at the jolt of pain caused by movement. I then ripped one of my sleeves off from the shoulder stitch, tearing the fabric into two strips.

One was folded into a square, placing it over as much of the two blaster wounds as I could. The other I wrapped around my leg, holding my makeshift gauze in place. When the knot was tied I crashed into the ground, energy swiftly dissolving.

Only minutes had passed before I heard the sounds of more transports landing, a cold rush of fear swarming through my chest. I didn’t move, but the crunching steps that exited the ships still made their way directly towards my body. A collection of white Stormtrooper helmets came into view above me, circling around my vision.

“Only one rebel in the vicinity. Should we terminate?” one of the masked figures questioned into his headset.

“I’m _not_ with the Resistance,” I huffed, my voice losing power. One of the troopers kicked me, sending a thrill of pain from my wound into the rest of my body, my eyes stinging with tears.

“Bring them back to the _Finalizer_ ,” a grizzled voice responded on the comm-system. “ _Alive_.”


	9. Interrogation

The inside of the First Order transporter was cold and cramped, with at least 8 Stormtroopers crowded into the space, blasters all directed to my slumped figure on the floor, head leaning back against the icy durasteel.

I’d been hauled into the ship with little care for my leg wound, leaving me struggling through pants in an attempt to force the pain to descend again. Through my aching haze I’d noticed the lone surviving Death trooper had been dragged in along with me, settled into a similar position to my own on the opposite wall.

I had no doubt this was the soldier that shot me as I’d tried to flee, but I couldn’t help but feel my anger towards him dissolve into sympathy with the way he looked now. The bowcaster bolt had _obliterated_ his knee, the armour plate that would usually be covering it having been blasted away, the open wound still seeping with blood, and even in the low light of the transporter I could see the flesh giving way to bone.

The Death trooper was breathing raggedly, obviously trying to hold back the howls of agony I could guarantee were encompassing his mind. It annoyed me the Stormtroopers were doing nothing to help their comrade, masks completely focused in my direction.

“Aren’t you going to help him?” I coughed. “He could lose his leg if you leave that wound unattended.”

“Quiet _rebel scum_ ,” one of the masked troopers hushed, leg threatening to kick me again.

I sighed. “I already told you. I’m not with the Resistance.”

The trooper made real on his threat and flung his foot to collide into my hip, another thrill of pain shooting through me.

If I had any sense of self-preservation, or even justice for the person who’d completely thwarted my escape, I would have stayed quiet. But sitting here, with a severely injured solder biting back screams; it was too much for my current fragile emotional state to handle.

“I’m a doctor. I could help him. At least give him a chance of keeping his leg,” I implored, although it was hard to speak above whisper.

One of the Stormtroopers finally moved their head to look at the wound, before turning back.

“He could lose the leg?”

I nodded, my brain not enjoying the movement. “The vessels and nerves will necrose beyond repair not long from now. Even bacta can’t grow those back. Without blood flow and nerve supply his lower leg will die or become useless.”

I wasn’t sure if appealing to these First Order soldiers was even worth it. They had already appeared as emotionless and cold as the stories had implied. Maybe these weren’t the same type of human as me, brainwashed into of life of servitude and compliance without feeling.

There was little noise except from the indiscernible rattle of the ship for a few beats, my offer hanging in the air. Eventually the trooper who kicked me huffed.

“ _Fine_. But one false move and we won’t hesitate to shoot you.”

I wondered if he knew I’d heard the message to bring me back alive, or rather he just didn’t care about having to land with a dead hostage. Regardless, I was still hesitant to move at first, eventually dragging myself over to where the Death trooper leant against the wall, holding back my own sobs from the pain stinging through my thigh.

“Is there a med-kit on this ship?” I asked tentatively, extremely aware that my Force healing couldn’t be utilised in front of these soldiers. While I wasn’t greeted with an answer, there was movement behind me as I began to assess the wound, finally having the chance to see it closely enough to accurately evaluate the damage.

It was... _bad_. The laser had burned through a large chunk of the flesh covering his knee joint, the pearl coloured bone peeking through scorched muscle.

A black bag was suddenly thrown beside me, embroidered with red First Order insignia. Inside was a standard trauma kit, filled with gauze, sutures, injectable pharm agents and bacta which was significantly better quality than what I’d used on Poe.

_Please let them be okay. Please just let **him** be safe._

I wrenched the thoughts down before they could overwhelm me. I couldn’t think about them now. It was too dangerous to let myself recognise the simmering emotions in the presence of these people.

I slipped my hands into gloves and retrieved some heavy scissors out of the bag.

“I’ll get some anaesthetic into this soon, but I have remove the armour first, okay? This is going to hurt,” I described slowly, wondering if the Death trooper could register what I was saying. His head was lolled to one side, probably held within dense fog of pain, but soon his helmet made a nod of acknowledgment.

I unclipped the darkened coloured boots as slow as I could manage, but even the small movement made him hiss in response. I then cut through the lining as high as I could manage without having to take off the thigh armour, exposing the mess of blood and flesh in stark contrast to this soldier’s pale skin.

Feeling a crowd of eyes on me, I prepared the anaesthetic vial into the injector handle and connected the needle, wanting to smile at the thought of these Stormtroopers being worried I would try and fight my capture with a tiny hypodermic needle. I pierced the skin into several points, ones I could only estimate would give me the greatest coverage of numbing, with a few more sharp inhales from my unlikely patient after each shot.

I went slightly overboard with how much I infiltrated, knowing I didn’t have the benefit of a general anaesthetic to keep him in the state of stillness I needed. Preparing some of the cleaning solution, time passed in waiting for the anaesthetic to dissolve into his tissue, listening out for the telling change in respirations that would indicate the medication was taking effect.

As the trooper’s breathing slowed, I took a forcep and began to gently poke at the skin around the wound.

“Can you feel this?” I asked.

“No,” he replied gruffly. I gritted my teeth, remembering the same voice that slipped a message back to his superiors, sparking our rush to escape, making it all that more important for Poe and his friends to leave, even if it was without me.

_**They just left you there. He left you there, alone.** _

__

I braced myself against the uncontrollable thrill of sadness that sizzled through me.

I'd begged them to leave, quickly accepting my fate. It was the smartest thing to do, the right thing. But a niggling part of me, however small, was slightly bitter they’d left me to the mercy of the First Order.

_How did they find out the Resistance were there anyway?_

Thrusting myself back into the present moment, I began to clean out the harshly severed flesh in front of me, attempting to debride the burnt tissue I couldn’t save. The soldier was silent, his sensation finally dulled enough for more intense exploration of the wound. In investigating the injury deeper, I noticed the patella tendon was almost completely severed.

_Oh dear_.

This guy was going to be out of commission for a while _._

_Better than being dead though._

I loaded my suture and started to thread the needle though the jagged edges of the tissue, purely a temporary measure to keep this knee joint intact. Fortunately the blast hadn’t reached any important vessels in the posterior compartment, but I could only assume a good amount of the nerve endings would be fried, perhaps numbing sensation in his lower leg for much of his life.

With a strong suture line over the tendon, I loaded another suture and sewed the next muscle layer closed, hiding the bone back in its joint capsule. Before stitching the skin layer, I squirted some bacta gel over the damaged tissue, hoping it would get the healing process started and decrease some of the pain when the anaesthetic wore off.

“No bending this knee for the time being,” I instructed, placing a dressing over the closed wound site, wrapping thick bandage around the limb.

The soldier gave me a curt nod.

I waited for a thank you, or even some kind of acknowledgement I had salvaged his leg, but was only met with silence. There was little energy left within me to push for one either, cleaning up the tools and bloodied gauze in a disposal bag.

I looked towards the moody trooper who gave me permission for this treatment, only noticing now the red plate at his shoulder.

“Can I use some of this gauze to re-dress my leg? I don’t want to get an infection.”

“No,” he barked lowly. “Now get back over here.”

_Asshole._

I dragged myself back to the position directly under his blaster, assuming this is how they treated all those who came into contact with the Resistance.

_Guilty until proven innocent._

As I waited for this trip to be over, to finally face whatever interrogation the First Order had intended for me, I couldn’t prevent my thoughts from replaying over the chaos of their descent onto my clinic.

Rey had noticed my reaction on their entrance into the atmosphere, and her offer of safety now appeared to have been with the knowledge she knew _exactly_ what I was hiding.

I had been so close, almost lasting just long enough to keep this secret behind the confines of my shield. I had no doubt she would tell everyone about what I was, what she assumed I could do. And it was then, I realised.

I could never go back.

My patients, I would never be able to see them again.

The grief was difficult to hold down, wishing I could have kept my secret safe merely for their benefit, so I could have stayed on Raxus and kept them healthy for years to come. But... it wasn’t to be.

I would need to run again.

My mind began to wander, attempting to pinpoint another settling place, rolling through the list of back-up planets I’d formulated years ago, trying to make plans on how I would be able to do everything all over again when I got away from the First Order.

_If I got away._

An echoing clank of connecting durasteel, joined by synchronised jolt through the ship, indicated we’d made a landing on the _Finalizer_.

Two Stormtroopers hoisted me up by my arms, and we were the last to exit the ship apart from the injured Death trooper, feeling their blasters on my back as I limped haphazardly down the ramp into the immense open area of the main hangar.

I peered around me in-between painful steps, scanning the many rows of TIE fighters on each side waiting patiently for their pilots. Hundreds of Stormtroopers stood in impeccably straight lines over vast portions of the hangar floor, engineer and support personnel flitting through the space.

Everything was so… _grey_ , harsh white lights illuminating the muted colours covering every wall and machinery part.

Eventually I was made to stop, finding myself standing in front of a _very_ irritated-looking man, his hair a deepened ginger, studying me with suspicious eyes set within a distinct, porcelain face. Obviously a higher ranking officer, an immaculately tailored military suit forming most of his frame.

“Who do we have here?” he inquired, his voice already grinding me with its shrill tone.

The Stormtroopers pushed me forward, making me stagger closer to the officer.

“Alexys Jago,” I replied flatly, struggling through more stinging pain.

“Thank you for joining us Miss Jago. I hope your trip wasn’t too unpleasant.” His smile was venomous, singed with disdain.

I ignored his welcome. “Can we get this over with?”

His eyes narrowed further. “And what is it you assume you’re here for?”

“Well, it appears I’m not actually under arrest since you haven’t put any stun cuffs on me. And whoever ordered me on this ship wanted me alive, so my assumption is for a _delightfully_ boring interrogation where I say, for the _hundredth_ time, that I’m not with the Resistance.”

The skin under his right eye twitched, mouth pressing into hard line. Evidently, he’d expected someone a little more fragile, more fearful of his presence. And I could tell it annoyed him to no end, being faced with the opposite.

“Take her to the interrogation room,” he barked at the troopers still aiming their blasters in my direction.

*

The walk was excruciatingly long, muted soldiers escorting me through seemingly endless grey and black durasteel passageways, almost hypnotising me with their symmetry. I had to focus hard on each step, the ache in my thigh never relenting in its intensity.

After a short turbolift ride, I was forced down another darkened hallway and shoved past an alarmingly solid door. Facing me was an extremely dull looking room, lined with sleek Ultrachrome, a lone chair of the same material in the middle, facing away from the entry.

_Hm, I expected something a little more threatening._

There were no worrying instruments of torture, no intricate restraining devices. Although, noticing this made a sense of fear start to fester inside.

_Maybe they didn’t need any of that to really torture me._

“Sit,” one of the Stormtroopers ordered before exiting the room, setting the hard-lock behind him.

It was piercingly quiet, a ringing in my ears now recognisable in the stillness, most likely caused by the close firing of blasters I’d experienced earlier. I knew they would be watching me through security cameras, but I still took the moment alone in this room to centre myself, breathing air deep into my lungs, preparing myself for the redundant set of questioning.

I didn’t have any Resistance information to hide, not really. Poe and BB-8 had made sure of that, allowing me no knowledge of their mission or base location, which now I was even more grateful for.

_Pretty good forward thinking on their part._

It took several more anxiously waited minutes before the weasel-faced officer entered the room, striding into my view, expression still as sour as before. He didn’t speak right away, pacing the floor in front of me, arms resting behind his back.

“Look,” I started, little patience for this man’s toying. “This is a big misunderstanding. I haven’t actually done anything wrong.”

He stopped, turning to me, an eyebrow arched mockingly.

“Are you sure about that? Rumour has it you were seen trying to flee with a selection of highly sought-after rebels.”

“If you remember I was trying to escape from the Death troopers who decided to land near my clinic, who took it upon themselves to try and kill us all,” I spat.

He gazed down at me, a small glint of recognition in his eyes. “So you’re the doctor.”

“How did you know that?”

“You aren’t the one asking the questions here,” he sneered, leaning down unnervingly close to my face. “Tell me why the _rebel scum_ were on Raxus.”

I stared back at him, unblinking. “A pilot of theirs crash landed near my clinic and he was hurt. I treated his injuries and they came to retrieve him. That’s it.”

“Is that so?” he queried, voice drenched in sarcasm. “You put a Commander back on his feet, for the benefit of the Resistance, all from the goodness of your heart?”

I desperately wanted to roll my eyes.

_Some people still have them._

“I was just doing my job. Hold on, how did you even know it was _him_ I was treating?”

“It is none of your concern where we gain our intelligence,” he hissed, face tight in an attempt to seem threatening. Really, it was just coming off moody.

It occurred to me the theory Leia had put forward, about a spy infiltrating the Resistance, was becoming more and more factual. Somehow information of Poe’s collection must have leaked, and the First Order had sent in Death Troopers to scout my clinic in case it was true.

The officer straightened his stance, steps light and measured as he started to circle around me. “Now, since I know you’re in the interest of saving time, would you be so amenable as to tell us the location your new friends were headed?”

I was poised to answer, having little faith this irksome man would believe a word I said, when I sensed a dense, powerful and _overwhelming_ energy emanate from a distance behind me.

My posture stiffened in the chair, a shiver washing over my skin, icy and uncomfortable.

The energy was moving quickly, closer and closer, pulsing with determination, a perceptible rage simmering just under its surface.

In an instant I knew what, or in fact _who_ , was generating this, even without laying eyes on him.

I scrambled to compose myself, hurriedly layering myself in an unseen protection, doubling down my effort in the dwindling seconds before his entrance. The thick fog his energy radiated made it harder, forcing me to push against the heavy tremor of dread that had pounced on my chest.

I had failed miserably in concealing myself from a new Jedi, how in the _hell_ was I going to hold strong against _him_?

The door slid open behind me, locks obviously irrelevant, allowing the pulsating aura to crowd every inch of space, the weight of it making it harder to breath. The officer’s head shot up to the entrance, a semblance of unease now forming in his features.

“Supreme Leader,” he greeted, not hiding a shifting mood full of contempt. “I was just interrogating the-”

“ _Out_ ,” a mechanical voice ordered, the deep, artificial tone reverberating through the small room.

I saw the eye of the man in front of me twitch again, defiant.

_For a high-ranking officer, this guy was kind of an idiot._

“I have this under control-”

“Do I need to demote you even further for you to finally stop ignoring my orders General Hux?” he threatened harshly. The sound of his low timbre through the muzzle of a vocoder was quick to send thrills of panic through my veins, the pace of my heartbeat rising higher.

General Hux finally conceded with one last thoroughly maddened look towards my face before stepping out from my view, hearing his hardened footsteps echo as he strode out into the hallway. And with that, the door glided closed once more, locks clicking into place.

I already knew what Kylo Ren, the _new_ Supreme Leader of the First Order, looked like.

I’d seen his figure and the unique design of his mask through my datapad, within both still and moving holograms, obviously taken without consent, showcased by news reports that emerged after countless of his exploits.

The images were never available for viewing for long, the First Order evidently trying to keep an essence of mystery and secrecy around their greatest asset. Yet, I’d managed to eye a few, and even in the shakily shot holos, his appearance was unnerving, a true personification of wrath and terror.

When the reality of that image walked in front of me, I was instantly filled with the same trepidation, compounded into a significantly heightened intensity.

He stalked around me, his movements smooth and calculated, the hefty fog I’d felt before now more forceful in its attempt to probe my skin.

Standing directly before my tiny shape, I could recognise how tall he truly was, towering over me, the excessively broad frame of his body built like a wall of flesh and muscle hidden completely under pitch black robes.

He didn’t speak, a slow inhale and exhale crackling through his mask.

In these silent moments, my eyes drifted up his figure, eventually settling to where I assumed his stare would be concealed. I noticed the molten red lines running jaggedly over the dark metal of the helmet covering his face, as if it had been melded back together after a catastrophic breakage.

I kept my gaze fixated, attempting to exude whatever confidence I could muster under his own concentrated glare.

It became more intense, the energy pouring out of his form, filling the space. In my mind's eye, I could clearly envision the room saturated with a cloud of dark smoke, swirling around to claw at my skin, trying to rip away the invisible armour held over my exterior.

He was hoping to break through, to sift through my mind rather than waste time with a verbal questioning. 

Somehow I maintained my calm demeanour, while under the surface finding myself straining to hold against the weight of his demanding aura.

A large hand rose, swathed in pitch black leather, as he stepped forward, pushing the profound Force current harder into my figure, his head slowly leaning sideways in frustration.

“ _How_?” he growled, his mechanical voice coming out surprisingly laboured. “Tell me how you are doing this.”

I kept my expression passive. “Doing what?”

“Not allowing me into your mind.”

The effort he was expending became obvious in both his shallow breathing and the fury laced in his tone, a quiver in his hand evident as an intense wave of invisible smoke raked itself over me.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I insisted, managing to sound somewhat authentic. “And personally, I’d prefer if you didn’t go rummaging through my brain.”

He made a quietly angered huff under his mask. “Do not play me for a fool. Tell me. _Now_.”

“If I had an answer for you I would,” I replied, each word an incredible feat of strength to sound believable.

Kylo Ren hissed, the sound positively _venomous_ , feeling the haze finally retreat as his stance shifted. I was grateful for the weight of it to be lifted, only for a thick band of energy to be concentrated around my neck, crushing my windpipe, making me gasp desperately for air.

“ _Let me in_ ,” he demanded through gritted teeth.

I clawed at my neck, fighting uselessly against the invisible hands that strangled me.

“If… you… need… answers… just… ask... for... them,” I wheezed out through struggling breaths.

My eyes were beginning to show dark spots in my vision, the pain of oxygen deprivation making my brain pound inside my skull. All remnants of focus were directed on keeping his probing mist from wiggling its way through, unwilling to give in to its relentless assault.

I’d made the decision a long time ago. Only _death_ would permit me to let go of this shield.

But his energy was wavering, I could _feel_ it, the tension in his grip slowly beginning to weaken.

I just had to hold on as long as I could.

Seconds dragged like minutes as the clutch around my neck began to fade, and in a roaring huff he finally wrenched his arm away, letting the invisible smoke retract with it.

I nearly slumped out of the seat with the relief of my lungs fully expanding again, the rapid influx of oxygen making me feel dizzy.

“Who _are_ you?” he seethed through deep breaths.

I rushed to reclaim composure, putting the worrying thought I could have just _died_ as far back into my mind as possible.

“My name… is Alex,” I rasped, voice hoarse.

He waited for an extrapolation to my answer, some essence of explanation to the questions he no doubt had racing through his mind. But there was nothing I planned to tell him unless provoked.

Slowly, as a hush settled in the room once more, he began to pace in front of me, mask remaining fixed in my direction, studying me, beginning to seem almost... _intrigued_.

I kept my form rigid in the chair, watching him move back and forth. As much as his immense figure intimidated me, it wasn’t long before a spark of impatience overtook sensible judgement, wishing only for this nightmare of a day to be over. And it wouldn’t be, not until he finally asked his redundant questions and moved on with his rule over the galaxy.

“She did something to you,” he surmised, not forming it as a question. “She did _something_. Rey, the _Jedi_.”

The way his modulated voice grated over her name, and that word, made me shiver.

Gently, I shook my head. “She didn’t do anything.”

“How else could your thoughts, even your energy signature, be shielded from me?”

_I’d actually done it._

Perfectly sheltered under a cover impenetrable to possibly the most powerful force user alive today. For now. And he didn’t know how.

“I don’t know,” I whispered back.

He was silent for a long time, appearing lost in his own thoughts, staring at me with unseen eyes.

Suddenly, his form relaxed, muscles releasing their tense hold over his body.

“Why?” he started, now staying in place in front of my view. “Why were the Resistance on Raxus?”

I glared back. “The man from before, Hux or whatever. He already asked these questions.”

“I am aware. But I’m asking you again, and this time you are going to tell the truth.”

“I was telling the truth _before_ ,” I grumbled. “Found an injured pilot, gave him treatment, arranged a Resistance pick-up. That’s the whole story.”

He was predictably irritated with my reply. “You are forgetting to mention it was a Starfighter Commander you so dutifully brought back to full health.”

My eyes narrowed. “Does it matter? I’m a doctor. I’ll treat anyone who’s in need of my care.”

“How _altruistic_ of you. I’m sure they offered _nothing_ in return for your selfless service.”

“They didn’t actually,” I scowled.

He leaned in closer. “Then why were they defending you against my soldiers?”

“They were defending themselves against the Death troopers you’d sent to kill them!” I spat, exasperated. “And lucky for me they didn’t want to let an _innocent_ person die as collateral.”

He ignored the flair of my voice, his own becoming even further saturated with derision. “It appears they are just as selfless as you. I’m surprised you have yet to jump on the opportunity to join their noble cause already.”

It was plain to see he was being purposefully antagonising, but I wasn’t about to take the bait.

“I’m not interested in being a part of your war,” I said succinctly.

He paused, contemplative. “ _Interesting_. What brings about your neutrality?”

“You think I’m about to discuss the futility of war with the person who thrives from it?”

I bit the inside of my cheek, realising only after speaking the words the provoking nature of my reply.

Kylo Ren’s head tilted again, curious. But it was so hard to fully gauge his thoughts with his face hidden behind that mask, evidently a reason why he wore it.

I waited for him to press further, to defend the necessity of warfare with the so-called rebel scum. Yet, unusually, he changed the subject.

“Why were you on Raxus? In the middle of nowhere?” he asked.

“Why do you care?”

“This is an interrogation. I am gathering information.” His voice was flat, now devoid of most emotion.

I was too tired for this. “You’re not going to unearth anything relevant or helpful in your search for the Resistance by asking about my life.”

“I do not have much of choice when your mind is blocked off to me. I have to go about this the old-fashioned way.”

“Let me save you some time,” I returned sharply. “I don’t know where the Resistance base is and I don’t know what their plans are. I have nothing of use to you. Now, I would very much like to go home so I can treat this blaster shot before it gets infected.”

It _wouldn’t be home for much longer._

“You are not going home,” he countered, as if that reality should have been obvious.

My eyes grew wide, the thump of my heart suddenly in my ears. “What?”

“There is _something_ hiding in that mind of yours. Something the Jedi didn’t wish for me to see. You will not be be leaving until I find a way to breach through whatever is holding me back.”

Every drop of blood drained from my face. “But… I haven’t done anything wrong! You can’t hold me hostage like this!”

I could almost feel the cruel sneer form under the cover of his mask.

“I think you’ll find that I can. Your Resistance friends aren’t here to defend you now. If I recall… They left you behind.”

With a blur of billowing, dark fabric Kylo Ren stomped away from my view and out the door, taking his suffocating energy with him.

I let my head fall into my hands and scraped my fingers through my hair, frustrated.

_Damn it!_

I was an _idiot_. Of- _fracking_ -course he wouldn’t allow someone who could resist some of his powers slip through his fingers.

_**You did the right thing.** _

The voice seemed certain, but it wasn’t comforting. And now, I had to figure out how in the _hell_ I was going to get off this ship before Kylo Ren inevitably broke me open.


	10. Imprisonment

They stuck me in a cell.

_A cell_. _Like a criminal_.

And as much as I wanted to protest, I had no energy left within me to stop the Stormtroopers pushing my figure roughly into a small, cold room, furnished only with a threadbare cot and metal sink.

It didn’t take long after the troopers secured the door behind me that I ran to the basin to vomit, expelling little other than acidic bile, having been at least half a day since I’d eaten any type of meal.

I wasn’t sure what triggered the reaction. The emotional toll of the day, the still pulsing pain of my leg wounds or the now cemented realisation I wasn’t getting off this ship any time soon.

Truly, all of it made me sick to my stomach.

I wanted to cry. To scream. But I was so _tired_. So _sore_.

And I didn’t want even the slightest fragility to be noticed by the people who had captured me, least of all Kylo Ren.

He couldn’t know my strength was slowly dissolving, giving myself in to weakness, to use it as an opening to break though my shield. More than ever, I needed to keep my wits about me, keep myself strong every moment I was stuck in the hands of the First Order. _That_ was the only hope I had in getting out of this horrid place alive.

I staggered to the cot and sat down, taking a moment to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. My fingers then reached for the knot of my leg bandage, pulling it free and gently removing the make-shift gauze, stifling down squeaks of pain.

It was completely soaked through with old blood, no doubt because of the amount of movement I’d been forced into, never allowing the wounds to settle.

I couldn’t get a proper eye on the blaster impact sites, being too posterior for my hip to twist and show me the injuries. I wanted to feel them with my fingers, at least have _some_ idea of how deep they were, how much tissue had been burned away, but there was no way placing my dirty hands anywhere near them would allow a good outcome.

I was about to rip the other sleeve of my blouse off to replace my dressing, when the door to my cell slid open, revealing a spectacled dark-haired woman, dressed in a mundane light grey uniform, holding a large suitcase-like bag. It startled me when she smiled, not expecting that kind of warmth after being classified as a hostage.

She stepped inside without hesitation, the cell door gliding closed sharply behind her.

“Hello Miss Jago, I’m Dr Thaxton," she introduced, her voice wonderfully serene. "I was told you needed treatment for some blaster shots."

I breathed out a huge sigh of relief. “Yes! They _desperately_ need to be cleaned, and I can’t get to them myself.”

I didn’t let myself expect more than that, still surprised the First Order even remotely cared about the injury their soldier caused.

“Not a problem Miss Jago,” she replied, her green eyes bright with goodwill. And for a peculiar reason, it made me uneasy.

“Please, just call me Alex,” I corrected, making an attempt to stand up and show the doctor the uncovered wounds on the back of my thigh, a harsh thrill of pain quickly darting up my limb, making it slightly too difficult. I could feel the shots had completely singed through the fabric of my skirt, and without the tightly wrapped gauze, the burnt edges were now directly rubbing over seared flesh.

Dr Thaxton set her supplies down swiftly and threw her hands up to stop me. “It’s okay! You don’t need to stand! If you lie face down on the cot that will work just fine.”

“Right, of course.” It felt bizarre to be the patient for once, usually being able to treat my own injuries and ailments. “Should I take off the skirt first?”

“That’s completely up to you. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I know you’ve been though quite the ordeal today.”

I couldn’t stop my eyebrows from crinkling together in confusion. And it immediately felt rude, wondering why it was so unusual a doctor employed by the First Order would treat me with such kindness. Although, Dr Thaxton didn’t seem offended by my reaction, waiting patiently for me to make my decision.

Knowing what I would prefer a patient of mine to do, and caring little about showing off the skin of my rear to a health professional, I unzipped my skirt at the back and slid it off delicately.

Dr Thaxton had begun to open her bag, which was significantly more equipped than the trauma kit I’d used earlier, as I laid myself gingerly on the thin mattress of the cot, pulling the lumpy pillow under my head.

“I’m just going to use some local anaesthetic first,” she explained, hearing the familiar click of a med-injector.

“You’re giving me pain relief?”

“Of course,” she replied obviously, a hint of amusement in her tone. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“I didn’t think they would let me have any,” I muffled into my pillow, embarrassed. A chuckle echoed from my side, before she continued to shoot the injection into my skin.

After feeling so much discomfort for so long, I barely sensed more than a scratch each time the needle pierced the boundary of my skin, relishing the numbing sensation that followed, gradually soothing the ache I’d been faced with for hours.

“Thankyou,” I murmured, finally relaxing for the first time in this day cycle.

“It’s not often I get to hear those words here, so you are _very_ welcome.”

“You don’t?” I questioned, although not entirely surprised.

“Only rarely. I’m usually assigned to care for injured Stormtroopers. They’re taught from a young age not to be the thankful type.”

I let her explanation hang in my mind, pondering over it, making sense of the different places our shared career had taken us. I suddenly felt immensely grateful for the appreciative nature of almost all of my patients on Raxus.

“That’s awful,” I commented. “To not be recognized for the work you’re putting in, the lives you make better.”

“It’s not so bad,” she assured, beginning to clean out my wound with moist gauze, feeling the pressure of her touch only slightly. “I’m really just doing a job. And it makes me happy to do it, so I don’t mind so much.”

I didn’t really have a counter to give. I’d always had a hint of the same philosophy, to not do anything just for a thank you, but it had always made the work so much more fulfilling when a patient valued everything I had done to help them. It made me a little sad for her, to not have felt the affection and reverence I had been afforded in my life.

I stayed somewhat lost in my thoughts while she continued to gently clean the damaged tissue, questions popping into my mind as she worked.

“What’s it like? Working here? For the First Order?”

“It’s pleasant enough,” she answered candidly. “I’ve been on the _Finalizer_ for many years now, long before the First Order was what it is today. They were the ones who offered to train me, free of charge, and I’ve lived here willingly ever since.”

I was genuinely stunned by the First Order’s generosity. It had taken a great deal of my parents’ money and countless hours spent tutoring at the University of Coruscant to pay for my education.

“You _volunteered_ to work for them?”

“I did. Not all of us who work here were taken as a part of Project Resurrection. That was mainly used to create the Stormtroopers. Many of us came from poor, war ravaged planets and wanted a way out. I myself grew up on Ord Mantell, hoping to one day get away from being under the thumb of the Black Sun crime syndicate. The First Order came along, offered me a better life, a purpose, and I took it gladly.”

“Wow,” I breathed into my pillow, increasingly impressed by the woman. But I still had more questions niggling me. “Doesn’t it concern you the impact they’re having on the galaxy? The destruction they’ve caused?”

“ _Shh_ ,” she hushed. “They will be listening to our conversation. I would suggest trying to keep those types of questions until you’re out of this cell.”

I turned to peek at her face. She still exuded reassurance, but her expression remained serious.

“I understand,” I whispered, huffing back into the pillow.

*

Dr Thaxton, whose first name was Risha, and I made conversation while she continued to clean my wounds, before she carefully brushed some bacta infused dermaseal over the site.

She was startled when I’d asked for her given name. Apparently, it was quite a rarity to use them on this ship.

Her energy was comforting, helping to settle a small portion of the anxiety I’d been struck with from the moment I noticed the Stormtroopers entering the atmosphere of Raxus.

Now, she had me standing, which was noticeably easier with the anaesthetic still numbing my pain receptors, and began to roll a soft bandage around my thigh.

“So how did I do?” she asked sweetly, rising to stand with me.

“What do you mean?”

“They told me you were a doctor too,” she explained, grinning at me. “I just wanted to make sure it was up to your own standards.”

“I wasn’t expecting any treatment, so you’ve gone above and beyond all expectations.”

She smiled even wider, her energy subtly pulsing with positivity. “I’m glad I could help. Is there anything else you need caring for?”

I looked down to my messed figure, the dirt from Raxus still smeared over my shirt and body, along with a trickle of old blood that had oozed down my leg.

“Is there even a _slight_ chance of using the ‘fresher?”

Her expression turned apologetic. “I’ve been ordered not to let you leave the cell for any reason.”

“I expected as much,” I sighed.

She moved to her bag, rummaging through the large stash of medical equipment I felt a pang of jealousy for, eventually pulling out several pieces of fabric and bringing them to me.

“These are some spare sleeping clothes in case I’m sent off ship. Please take them, it will help you to feel at least a little bit cleaner,” she urged, thrusting the clothing into my hands.

I hesitated. “I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

She shook her head quickly. “I won’t. I’ll explain your old clothes were a possible source of infection. A fresh set are doctor’s orders.”

I looked from her kind face to the material in front of me, taking it into my hands. “Thank you. So much. I really appreciate it.”

She beamed back, the compliment making her energy sizzle with delight in front of me. “I have to go, but I hope I’ll see you again Alex.”

“Me too Risha.”

She swiftly packed up the used equipment into her bag and moved to leave, giving me one last reassuring glance before the door slid shut, leaving me alone once again.

I peered around the room, looking over the durasteel for evidence of surveillance equipment Risha had mentioned. There was a noticeable humiliation that filtered through me at the thought of First Order personnel looking at my rear for all that portion of time, realising quickly I was also still standing here pants-less.

It was redundant to feel shy in the midst of the situation I found myself in, yet a hold of reluctance kept me from immediately changing into the fresh set of clothes, merely from the thought of unseen eyes staring at my bared skin.

In scanning the room, I noticed an anomaly on one of the walls, with a small button I hadn’t seen in my haze of fatigue. I walked over and pushed it in haste, and a portion of the wall suddenly slid open revealing a tiny lavatory.

My chest swelled in relief, assuming this is the one place I could be afforded some privacy. I rushed to step inside and pressed the interior button, the door closing me into the cramped space.

I didn’t know if it was the thought I was finally away from watching eyes, or simply exhaustion from this ordeal, but my emotions finally unfurled inside my mind, causing me to start quietly sobbing, tightly hugging the clothes still in my arms.

It was a mixture of relief and frustration that overcame me, finally able to physically express all that had been churning through me from the moment I woke this morning, still knowing the worst of this nightmare could possibly be yet to come.

Eventually my crying eased, composure slowly returning, and removed my ruined blouse. Unfortunately, my underwear would have to stay with nothing to replace them, and I wasn’t going to _dare_ be caught without anything under this new ensemble.

The clothes Risha had selflessly given me were a pair of cotton shorts and ¾ sleeve shirt, both a blackened charcoal. It was only after slipping it on that I noticed the shirt had First Order insignia embroidered in stark red thread on each sleeve.

_I guess beggars can’t be choosers._

With a final breath before exiting the small room, I opened the door and moved to the sink, splashing my face with water, wiping away some of the sweat and dirt I could feel staining the skin. I collected my ruined skirt and ripped a cleaner piece out of the thin fabric, placing it under the water stream and used the dampened material to clean off the remaining blood and grime that was spotted over my legs.

Finally, I let my hair free from its ruined braid, airing out the strands and combing my fingers through, picking out a small assortment of twigs and small leaves in the process.

Soon I was settled underneath the threadbare blanket, trying to ignore the hunger that was bubbling in my stomach.

_Maybe this was the way they would break me._

Keep me dirty, hungry and alone. It didn’t seem like such an illogical idea.

Yet, as much as the worry of staying in this cell for an indeterminate amount of time throbbed inside, it wasn’t long before the haze of exhaustion descended over my mind.

*

It had to have been _days_ since I’d seen another being. I couldn’t tell. There was no way to determine how many day cycles had actually passed, only falling into slumber when my mind finally succumbed to the fog of sleep.

The rations they occasionally pushed through the slot of the cell door were horrid, but they were still much needed calories, so I forced my way through eating every last bite, determined not to let hunger be the reason of giving in.

My wounds had long since healed, the high quality bacta causing barely a scar to be left behind, at least from what I could assess with my own touch.

I did what I could to cleanse myself with the running water and remnants of my blouse as cloth, but I couldn’t have felt more revolting, hair heavy with oil, along with a smell of old perspiration that was impossible to ignore.

The only way I could pass the time without going _insane_ was trying to alphabetically recall all the pharm agents off the top of my head, attempting to remember every one of their doses, reason for use and side effects. I had gotten to the letter ‘T’ when my cell door unexpectedly slid open.

Kylo Ren’s darkened figure thundered into the room, startling me into a standing position from my cot. His determined stride stopped suddenly when I was in his view, his helmet dipping up and down as he slowly looked me over. Yet he didn’t make a comment on my dishevelled appearance, his aura seeming only... _curious_.

My relief of finally seeing another living person was promptly overshadowed by the hatred I held for my captor, blood turning hot with rage.

He spoke first, the robotic tone deep and furious.

“You are going to enlighten me _right now_ on how your mind is guarded from me.”

“Didn’t figure it out huh?” I goaded, confidence flaring. I’d spent some of my time making sure I was ready to face him again, to be prepared for his fury. “Maybe you’re _finally_ out of your depth.”

He growled under his mask. The sound made me shiver, my angered demeanour not immune to his ferocious energy.

“I searched through _every_ text. Sith, Jedi, _everything_ , and I did not encounter a single mention of an impassable shield placed around the mind of another.”

“Maybe Rey figured out something they couldn’t,” I replied, praying I could keep his focus on her ability rather than my own. “Maybe she’s stronger than you are.”

He stepped forward and raised a gloved hand dangerously close to my cheek, feeling the rapid influx of smoke swirl around me, clinging tightly to every inch of exposed skin.

My only movement was the subtle tightening of my jaw, desperate not to imply I could sense the power streaming outwards from his shape.

The smog grew thicker, as if I could breath it in, scraping harshly over my form, the sensation almost tangible as pain. I stared at his mask, tracing the red lines of his repaired helmet as a form of distraction from the fog stinging my flesh like millions of tiny needles.

Suddenly, the hand retracted, and was released from it’s black cover.

I knew there was a real person under the thick robes and unnerving mask Kylo Ren shrouded himself in, but it still staggered me to see the pale colour of his skin with my own eyes.

Within an abrupt movement his palm returned to the front of my face, barely escaping from touching the skin, intensifying the smoke around me, focused directly onto circling around my head. The energy began to pound into my skull, relentless and severe, my tear ducts wanting to spill out under the suffering of it.

And somehow, my defence kept its strength through the onslaught.

I would have allowed myself to feel a small essence of relief, when without warning his fingertips shakily connected to the skin of my cheek, causing a violent, electric ripple to surge through every nerve in body, the smoky haze threatening my shield harder than ever before.

I held my breath, focused solely on upholding the only barrier between his mind and my own. I could _feel_ the way his Force ferociously pushed against it, filled with such a catastrophically intense power, one I knew I was too weak to fully comprehend.

Yet he still couldn’t penetrate it, the wall I’d cultivated too solid against the piercing energy he now seemed to be struggling to hold.

He hissed as he recoiled from me, almost as if the bonding of our skin had caused him physical pain, looking over the un-gloved hand, searching for some kind of answer. The smog he produced also receded, allowing me room to breathe.

“You’re wasting your energy,” I uttered, the light of the cell seeming brighter around me. “I don’t hold any secrets to the people you seemed to be obsessed with.”

“They are a danger to this galaxy, and the order I need to accomplish,” he snarled. “And somehow, she has hidden something within you, something I cannot infiltrate. There is no other way I could be prevented from detecting your Force signature, from reaching into your mind.”

I wanted to feel smug, that I’d managed to seem so lowly he’d completely misplaced his direction of blame, but the heat of his anger still burned me, the flames of it licking at my skin.

“What are you planning to do? Starve and isolate me into submission for no reason?” I rasped, my legs now failing me as I slumped back into the cot. “Don’t you have a plethora of other problems to deal with?”

He replaced the glove over his hand and stared at me with quiet contempt.

“I assumed the isolation would help break your spirit, giving me easier access to your memories.”

“I thought so,” I muttered, not hiding the distain from my voice. “But you’re not finished trying to hunt through my brain _just_ yet, are you?”

My body suddenly flung off the cot and slammed against into the wall, a sharpened ache ricocheting though my head and right limbs. I looked up to see Kylo Ren’s arm swiped to the side I had crashed into.

“Was that _really_ necessary?” I sneered through continuing throbs of pain, grasping back onto the edge of the cot.

He exhaled loudly into his helmet, a harsh crackle filtering out. “Your insolence is _infuriating_.”

“I _wouldn’t_ be if you treated me like a human being,” I mumbled. His fingerprints were still burned on my skin, my cheek feeling almost scorched from his touch.

“You are only alive because of the information you hold.”

“Is that supposed to scare me?” I scoffed. “You may as well kill me now, because I have nothing useful to share.”

In the next instant I had the crackling flash of bright neon red encompassing my vision, a blazing heat sizzling near the skin of my neck. Kylo Ren’s figure now stood towering over me, lightsaber in hand, poised to strike through my flesh.

“ _Do not tempt me_ ,” he growled, the vocoder making the words increasingly threatening. My eyes darted over the weapon, noticing how oddly unstable it appeared, red lines wriggling and sparking over the blade’s core.

Somehow, with the reality of a quick and violent death staring me in the face, my conviction stood steady.

“But you won’t,” I whispered into the blazing air the lightsaber radiated. “Not when I’m the only clue to discovering a power _you_ don’t have.”

The heat grew stronger on me, the blade dangerously close to searing the skin, forcing scorched air into my lungs. I managed to peer up at his mask, staring into where his eyes would be glaring down on me, almost daring him to follow through on his threat.

I knew he wouldn’t.

He was too hungry for more control, to be the most skilful in the ways of the Force, an undisputed titan of the galaxy. And as long as the mystery of my shield remained unknown, my life was simply too valuable to throw away.

As I predicted, he wrenched away his weapon and shut it off, the crimson blade disappearing into the handle in a fizzling wave. His energy was positively glowing with wrath as he paced away from me, allowing a moment to quell some of the panic that had simmered with his attempted attack.

“I think it’s safe to say keeping me locked in here hasn’t helped in gaining access to my mind,” I pointed out.

I knew he wouldn’t be letting me off this ship anytime soon, I’d just made sure of that. But being held here like a criminal was pushing me slightly closer to insanity.

“You don’t have to completely set me free. But please, stop treating me as a prisoner.”

He turned his body to face me again. “How would I _ever_ trust you not to attempt escape?”

“Do you think I’m that stupid?” I retorted. “I have no doubt you’ll keep me watched. And I also have no prowess in piloting anything that could get me off this Star Destroyer.”

He was thoughtful for a moment, but quickly returned to his usual vexed attitude.

“What if I simply do not care what you’re treated as?”

My eyes narrowed, frustration flaring. “Do you want me to tell everyone that you couldn’t reach into my mind? That the _infallible_ Kylo Ren couldn’t see the thoughts of an unremarkable civilian? That a Jedi has a power _you_ can’t overcome?”

His hand shot to where his lightsaber was clipped onto his belt, instinct obviously pushing him to erase the problem I posed. Yet with a hidden restraint he pulled his hand away from the weapon and folded his arms.

“I am not letting you step one foot of this ship,” he dictated, mechanical voice sour with loathing.

“Obviously,” I huffed, annoyed he assumed I was asking for such an unlikely thing. “I just want out of this cell. Even if it’s just to use the ‘fresher and get out of these clothes I’ve been stuck in for... _however_ many days.”

“Five,” he quipped back. “It has been five day cycles.”

My eyes widened, flickering down to the floor.

_Had it been that long?_

Five days and nothing had indicated the slightest chance of my rescue.

Though logic screamed at me I wouldn’t be told if a mission to liberate me from the grasp from the First Order had been attempted, I couldn’t help but feel a nagging assumption that I’d probably been left to rot as collateral damage.

The thought made my chest thump with despair, quickly drowning in even more lost hope I would be getting out of this mess any time soon.

“Let me out of this cell,” I whispered softly. “Just let me out. _Please_.”

His helmet leaned back for a moment, perplexed. “You tried to manipulate me, and now beg for mercy?”

I let a long breath out of my lungs, looking up at his menacing mask once again, eyes pleading.

“ _Yes_. I... don’t know if you have the capacity any longer, but _please_ show a little compassion to the human who got tangled up with the Resistance when she didn’t want to.”

Kylo Ren's shape remained locked, completely unmoving, almost as if he didn’t register my words.

Seconds passed fleetingly, my gaze holding its insistence, hoping to unlock the tiniest of guilt within him, not entirely sure he still felt _anything_ anymore.

“I will take it under consideration,” he stated flatly, the usual lack of emotion in his tone. With a curt, swirling motion, Kylo Ren moved out of my cell without another word, the sudden exit almost leaving me breathless.

*

Another few days passed. At least, that’s what I assumed. The only way I could tell was the periodic arrival of rations thrown into my cell.

I’d had my suspicions about Kylo Ren still having any semblance of humam emotion left within him, and it seemed those doubts were based in truth with the way my plea had been actively ignored.

_Couldn’t really blame him though_.

In a thoughtless display of defiance, I’d threatened to expose a weakness, one that could send a rippling unease through the First Order, that could imply there was someone out there _stronger_ than him. If I were him, I would have probably kept me in here too.

Unfortunately, with so much time spent in my own head, I’d been unable to stop myself from thinking about Poe. Not just thinking of him.

_Missing him._

Along with worrying if he was even still alive out there.

I wondered incessantly if he’d made it back to the Resistance base, if he’d started his mission, if maybe he had already completed it by now. But one thought harassed me more than the rest.

_Did he miss me?_

Would he be trying to make true on his promise to find me? Or had time and distance revealed his feelings for me were merely a symptom of our close proximity for a few days? That everything he felt was exaggerated and fleeting?

It was easy to get dragged down in that pit of sadness and worry, so it wasn’t long before I began to actively subvert my mind away from any thoughts of him, if I could help it.

I was close surrendering into sleep once more, my lids drooping closed, when my cell door slid open.

Standing at the entrance was General Hux, almost having forgotten how permanently irritable his expression seemed to be. He moved unhurriedly into the room, his nose high in the air.

“It smells awful in here,” he sniffed, looking over my figure in disgust.

I pulled myself out of my sleeping position, glowering at him. “That tends to happen when you don’t let someone shower or change clothes for over a week.”

“Yes, well. It appears your lucky day has arrived,” he announced, ignoring the snide nature of my comment. “You’ve been authorised new living arrangements.”

My posture perked up, surprised. “Really?”

“Indeed. Although this allowance comes with certain conditions.”

_Of course there’s a catch._

“And they are?”

Hux stepped closer, not attempting to hide his continued repulsion.

“High Command was reminded of your qualifications in medicine. And after some deliberation, it was decided we are going to utilise this expertise of yours, in exchange for release from this cell.”

My gaze moved from his patronizing expression, pondering over what was being offered to me.

“You’re going to make me work for you?”

“Oh I’m not making you do anything,” he replied menacingly. “I couldn’t care less about what becomes of you. But High Command was assured your abilities would be useful and are graciously offering you a certain level of freedom in return.”

“And if I don’t want to work under the First Order?”

“You’ll continue living out your days in the confines of this room,” he declared, his arm gesturing to the space around him. “The choice is yours.”

I could only assume it was Risha who had stuck her neck out for me and prompted the military leadership to consider me as an asset they could exploit, just for the slightest hint of freedom. In my bones I wanted to strongly refuse, to not be forced into work like a slave.

But... what choice did I really have?

Waiting here in this cell would lead to madness from isolation, particularly if it was only the sporadic visits of Kylo Ren trying to infiltrate my mind to keep me from insanity.

Maybe... if I could convince them of _some_ sort of loyalty, it would eventually supply an opportunity to get off this vile ship.

“ _Fine_ ,” I said flatly. “I’ll do it.”

Hux smirked, and it made me want to slap the smile right off his face. “High Command will be pleased you saw reason.” He turned sharply on his heel, beckoning me to follow. “I’ll take you to your new quarters now.”

“What are you my babysitter now?” I snorted.

His head snapped back with a burning fury in his eyes. “I’ll remind you that stepping one foot out of line will result in you being thrown right back in here.”

His stare was severe as he waited for my acknowledgment, and eventually I nodded, internally snickering at his easily sparked fuse.

Hux then returned to his pretentious stance and began to stride out of the door.

I was hesitant to move through the exit, a part of me concerned it was a ploy to break my spirit even further, giving me the slightest taste of freedom before pushing me back into the cell.

As my feet timidly stepped out into the darkened hallway, a memory of seeing it so many days ago popped into my mind. I hadn’t noticed then how far the corridor extended, at least 20 more doors, just like the one that had been locked to me, lining the walls.

_Would the cruelty of this regime never cease on showing itself?_

*

A party of six Stormtroopers helped to escort me to my new living arrangements, Hux’s self-important figure leading the charge. It seemed a little like overkill to surround me with so many, given the lack of a threat I posed.

But it occurred to me that this was more of a warning, a reminder that inside this ship, I would always be outnumbered.

I was ushered into a large turbo-lift, noticing the selection Hux pressed being extremely close to the top. When the doors finally slid apart again, a bustling public area with hundreds of First Order staff opened to my view.

Walking through the huge walkway, countless eyes glancing in my direction, I became extremely aware of my appearance. Bare foot, oily hair slicked into a plait, still in the same soiled outfit I’d worn for over a week.

I trained my eyes down as I walked in the middle of the huddle of Stormtroopers, desperately trying to ignore the curious stares that watched every movement I made.

Eventually we reached another turbo-lift, smaller this time, and four of the troopers didn’t enter with us, saluting their comrades as the lift shut its doors.

Reaching another floor, I was greeted with a round open room, looking almost like a lobby, three sturdy looking blast doors spread around the curve of the sleek black walls. Hux led me to the one on the right, placing his hand on the scanner beside the entrance, opening it immediately.

The remaining Stormtroopers didn’t follow us inside, instead flanking each side of the entryway. I took in the large living space in hushed awe, an environment so opposite to what I’d been faced with for the last week, even more accommodating than my quarters back on Raxus. I went to question the stark change in scenery I’d been afforded, but Hux’s expression made me hold my tongue.

“Make yourself... _presentable_. You’ll be escorted to your orientation at 0600 tomorrow morning.”

He didn’t give me a chance to agree or even acknowledge his statement, turning away and storming out of the room, blast door loudly whirring closed behind him.

Cautiously, I began to examine my new surroundings, thinking if I moved too quickly the façade would disappear back into the form of my cell. But as I moved, the furniture stayed in place, the walls still solid in my vision.

My footsteps were quiet, careful, as I walked down a hall that opened up to the bedroom, every piece of fabric a deepened grey or black. I easily could have made myself comfortable on the inviting looking mattress, but there was a significantly more pressing issue I needed to attend to. I slipped back into the hallway to open the first door on the right, providing me with _exactly_ what I was looking for.

_The ‘fresher_.

Never had relief struck me so strongly when the searing heat of steaming water crashed into my skin, soon relishing every moment of the feeling just in case this was only a short-lived allowance.

I didn’t want to think about the day I had to confront tomorrow, letting my mind ruminate over the sensation of cascading droplets finally rinsing away the sweat and grime my body was coated in.

Knowing this was the closest to tranquillity I would feel for the foreseeable future, I allowed myself to rest under the stream for as long as time would allow, wishing I might somehow wash away the _dirty_ feeling of knowing I was now working for the First Order.


	11. Focus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I don't know how to keep my word counts for each chapter consistent, so here comes a longer one anyway!

“This is the _Prestige_ med-bay,” Risha informed me, gesturing to the immaculately clean treatment area we had entered, a few medical droids pacing the zone, waiting for orders. It looked strikingly similar to the hospital wards I had spent a great deal of time working in on Coruscant, filled with beds and monitors, a small high-tech surveillance station in the middle of it all. Some of the beds were occupied with patients, all looking extremely glum.

“ _Prestige_ meaning?” I asked, scanning over the familiar, _expensive_ looking equipment I remembered from my training.

She continued guiding me through, my grey medic uniform extremely uncomfortable to move in. “It’s reserved for those in leadership roles.”

“But I thought you took care of Stormtroopers?” I questioned, recalling our conversation inside my cell.

She nodded. “That _was_ true.” Only when she’d passed another patient, she spoke again in hushed tones. “I was told you needed be closely monitored by High Command, and this ward is the closest to the Bridge. They allowed me to act as your supervisor, so thanks to you I got a promotion.”

I smiled back at Risha, her positive energy infectious. “Glad I could help.”

She sensed the trepidation behind my smile, somehow noticing the anxiety that had kept me restless during the night, even with the comfortable bed underneath me.

“It’s not so bad you know. If you forget who we’re working for, it just seems like a normal job.”

I had to hold back a frown. I knew she was only trying to make this easier for me, but her attempts at positivity weren’t quite enough to break through my cynicism. “I’m being forced to do this.”

She touched my arm, her energy radiating comfort. “I know. But at least this way you can still help people, instead of being locked away in that cell.”

The leadership of the First Order wasn’t exactly the people I wanted to _help_ , and I was bitingly aware this was simply another cruel form of imprisonment. But my strategy to form some sort of false allegiance to my captors felt more important than ever. Being so close to them, maybe being privy to their secret conversations, could allow me some advantage in escaping their custody.

I nodded in agreement to Risha, immensely grateful I had at least one friend amongst all of this. “I can’t thank you enough for recommending me.”

Her head recoiled in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“You reminded the High Command that I was a doctor, that I could be useful.

“I didn’t say anything to the High Command about you,” she assured, still perplexed. “I assumed you convinced them.”

“You didn’t?” I whispered, peering around to make sure no other ears could capture our conversation.

Risha shook her head sharply. “Whoever pushed for you to be here, it wasn’t me.” She seemed embarrassed, realising the assistance she could have granted. “But… you’re here now, and that’s what matters.”

I valued her optimism, always looking toward the future rather than being stuck in old predicaments. I gave my most earnest attempt at an appreciative expression and motioned for her to continue the tour of my new workplace.

*

The work was easy, extremely reminiscent of the kind of daily duties I executed on Coruscant. Which was a portion of the reason I volunteered to further my training in the medical frigates of the dwindling Republic, hoping to provide more valuable support by treating soldiers injured during battle.

I couldn’t stop myself from feeling this was all too arbitrary, too simple. The patients I cared for were unaffected by my treatment in the emotional sense, never speaking the thankyous I was accustomed to hearing.

I was in the second week of my service, still no closer to finding a way out. Risha had once again joined me in the huge cafeteria that serviced at least thousands of First Order staff working in different fields. I could always eye the close Stormtrooper watch over me, even when they didn’t make themselves too obvious in their supervision.

The fellow doctors of the _Prestige_ ward who surrounded me were tolerable, even if they never spoke ill of the First Order.

“He’ll be discharged tomorrow,” one of them commented proudly, as I played pointlessly with my meal. They all seemed so easily gratified by each successful treatment, while I was slightly judgemental of how minor their management really was. Most of the patients I’d taken under my care were easily cured via attention of the medical droids that serviced our ward, leaving me feeling as redundant as I did before leaving for Raxus.

I had yet to be disturbed by Kylo Ren in all the time that had passed, which plagued me more than I would have liked. I assumed he would have kept a closer eye on me, extremely surprised he hadn’t barged into my new quarters in another attempt to infiltrate my thoughts.

_Maybe he didn’t care that much._

_Maybe he’s lost interest._

“Where did you say you were from again?” one of the doctors asked, interrupting my train of thought.

I looked up, the group waiting expectantly for my answer. In my briefing I’d been told to keep all details of my situation, mainly the part about being a hostage forced to work for my freedom, strictly confidential.

“Raxus,” I eventually replied, making a few of them nod in understanding.

“Another refugee planet,” a second doctor commented. “But obviously you weren’t trained by the First Order, why come here now?”

I held back a frown, looking despairingly to Risha, and she gave me a comforting glance. “The First Order provides lawfulness in a galaxy of chaos. Their rule promises to return civilization to a stability that provides progress. I wanted to be a part of that.”

The words felt bitter on my tongue, but I’d been threatened with more time in my cell if I didn’t give that rehearsed line. How anyone would believe I meant any of that garbage was beyond me, but the company I was surrounded with didn’t seem suspicious of my reply.

“I might get back to work,” I murmured, taking my tray and stepping away from the table before I would be asked anymore questions.

It made me sad to think about home, constantly concerned about how my patients were coping without me. But I couldn’t let the emotion overwhelm me, refusing to give way to any chance of weakness, not when Kylo Ren could storm in when I least expected it.

The ward had actually become quite full over the preceding days, filled with Command leaders who’d been struck down with a relatively minor virus that was making its way through the ship.

Most of them recovered quickly, but still attempted to do a lot of their work while sitting in a hospital bed, meaning there was an influx of communication I was privy to. I grasped onto every little detail while checking vitals and prescribing medication, overhearing as much I could without appearing suspicious.

All I really wanted was to hear even a tiny fragment of information about the Resistance, particularly concerning a certain pilot who continued to sporadically infiltrate my thoughts.

I envisioned him in my slumber almost every night, remembering the feel of his lips on mine, the touch of his fingertips bonded to my skin, the flutter of my heartbeat at the sound of his voice.

Yet I awoke to nothing but the hollow sensation of a fleeting dream.

The cold burn of sorrow was harsh when my eyes opened to a new morning, not having him next to me, another day not knowing if he was still alive.

_*_

“It’s your turn,” I heard Irwin, my fellow on call doctor for the night, remind me, pointing out the alarm on the tech-station’s datapad.

I moved to read the message, indicating a request to attend the training room located on the upper left quadrant. I’d never been there, almost completely sure an emergency alert hadn't been signalled from the room since I’d been here. With haste I grabbed the trauma kit and rushed out of the ward, the turbo-lift speeding up to my destination within minutes.

Whatever I expected when the blast doors opened, it wasn’t what my eyes viewed when I walked into the vast space of the training room. Immediately, my focus was pulled towards a human male slumped on his side at the ground at the edge of the arena, a lone comrade next to him while at least five other figures continued to spar with each other. I moved swiftly to the injured man’s side, eyeing the scorch marks that had burned a deep hole into the side of his abdomen, his arm also hanging in an awkward direction.

“Thanks for coming,” the uninjured man welcomed, his voice deep and mature. Within a quick glace I noticed he had dirty brown hair with severe blue irises, a few crinkles under each eye.

I nodded to him, settling the trauma kit on the floor before pulling my hands into gloves and beginning to assess the burns. “My name is Alex,” I introduced warmly. “Tell me exactly what happened here.”

“I got in the way of an electrostaff,” the injured man coughed, wincing at the movement of his abdomen. His short blonde hair was drenched in sweat, caramel skin tinged with perspiration.

My eyes widened, stunned this human hadn’t dropped dead on the spot. “Did you lose consciousness?”

“Not that I’m aware. Got a nasty shock though,” he rasped through staggered breaths. I gently moved the sleeveless black undershirt he was wearing, uncovering a deep gash that had pierced though the subcutaneous layer.

The uninjured man got up to stand. “I’ve got to get back to training Vicrul,” he informed, before his eyes moved to me. “Don’t let him give you any lip.”

I could only nod in response, still in shock the connection of the electrostaff hadn’t cause Vicrul’s heart to stop.

“Thanks for hanging back Ushar,” he heaved. “Try and get a hit onto Ap’lek for me.”

Ushar breathed out a chuckle, jogging back to the arena where several more men were continuing to throw strong melee shots with electrified weapons.

“That arm looks dislocated,” I noted while sliding an IV cannula into the vein of his working elbow, locking it down with a dressing before pushing a decent dose of prepared pain relief into his system.

“And you would be correct,” he agreed, the relief of soothing medication making his breathing slower.

“I’ll work on that after I get this wound sorted,” I explained, already preparing the cleaning solution and suture kit. With the tissue scanner at hand, I scanned over the area, the results indicating it hadn’t quite made it past the peritoneum.

“It doesn’t appear your internal organs have been affected,” I added. “I’ll be able to suture this closed without too much trouble.”

“Lucky me,” he chuckled, making the wound dribble with haemoserous fluid.

The electrostaff thankfully missed any important vascular structures and created an already cauterised wound, but I didn’t want to take chances. “Just try and stay still for now.”

With the pain relief doing its job, Vicrul barely flinched as I cleaned out the hole the weapon had made, exploring the wound with my fingers as a second verification nothing had penetrated his bowel.

“Can I ask why you are training with electrostaffs and energy weapons?” I asked curiously, beginning to suture the first layer together. “Not to point out the obvious, but it seems kind of dangerous.”

He smirked back at me, watching my hands closely. “They’re less dangerous than our usual weapons. But there still needs to be a little danger, otherwise it’s easy to get complacent.”

I met his eyes, brows furrowing in confusion. “Usual weapons?”

He nodded. “They’re saved for proper combat. Each is one of a kind, not worth pulling out for standard training sessions.”

_One of a kind. Holy frack._

I focused hard to hide the quiver in my hands, hoping Vicrul didn’t sense my stunned realisation.

_These were the Knights of Ren._

My eyes stared forcefully into the severed tissue in front of me, even amongst all instinct to search the arena for a singular figure.

_Was he here?_

It had never occurred to me I would have been walking into a room full of the infamous bodyguards of Kylo Ren, barely having a thought to reinforce my shield before making my way here.

It was only then I recognised a distinctive energy fizzling in the background behind me, alerting me that these men were more attuned to the Force than the average human.

While continuing my line of suturing, I actively tried to feel out Kylo’s energy signature, but with the renewed focus on my own barrier it was hard to push my senses out too far without leaving me compromised. I couldn’t feel anything unique in the vast space, their movements too quick for me to place attention on one singular body.

“That’s one of the nicest lines of stitches I’ve seen in a while. Even better than the droids,” Vicrul complimented, leaving me somewhat speechless by the flattering nature of one of the most dangerous people in the galaxy.

I didn’t respond, giving only a curt nod in return. After placing a bacta impregnated dressing over the wound site, I slowly allowed him up into a sitting position.

“Do you want more pain relief before I relocate your shoulder?” I prompted, my tone flat. I was locked in concentration, still attempting to find the slightest trace of the Supreme Leader in this room.

“I can handle it,” he assured me, and I could only presume this was not the first time he’d produced this injury.

I made the necessary assessments for nerve damage, nothing seeming to be problematic just yet. Placing one hand on the top of his shoulder and the other at the point just below his elbow, I pulled hard to create enough traction to allow a fluid slip of the humeral head back into its socket. Vicrul barely batted an eye.

“You’ve done this before,” he remarked, already showing me the unaffected movement of his fingers.

“Many times,” I agreed quietly. “And I’m assuming you have too. I’m going to guess you won’t let me put you in sling.”

Vicrul flashed a smile. “You’re a smart one.”

“Please at least _try_ not to do any strenuous activity for a day or two. I would prefer if you didn’t rip those sutures out,” I pressed, 99% sure he would ignore my advice.

“I’m sure you can just whip them back in as quickly as you just did.”

“I’ve got other patients that need my attention, who actually might follow my orders,” I huffed, wrenching back a smirk.

It was truly the most unexpected conversation I was having with this man, so light-hearted and unassuming. “In any case, I’m done for now. Come and see me in the _Prestige_ ward if you need any follow up care.”

“How about I send Ap’lek there when I break one of his bones?” he suggested scornfully, looking over at the scene behind us.

“You do that.”

I began to pick up the used remnants of the suture kit, closing the bag and helping Vicrul to stand up. Curiosity was still hollering at me to examine the figures in the arena, and with my work over, the urge was too hard to ignore.

Vicrul had already shuffled away while I stood motionless with my trauma kit in hand, eyes scanning over the movements of the six bodies aggressively battering each other with hits.

It was difficult to completely differentiate their outlines amongst the rapid movement of flesh and swinging weapons. With a subtle sense of intrigue, I noted they were all human, only varying in the colour of their skin and hair, at least from what I could tell at this distanced viewpoint. Some wore the same undershirt as Vicrul, while a few had evidently forgone the article of clothing in favour of having as little restriction as possible in their actions.

Their fighting, even in practice, seemed ruthless, not yeilding any strength from their attacks, huffs of effort echoing into the space. Every time I assumed a blow would connect, their opponent would block it swiftly, moving quickly to turn their defensive stance into one of attack, continuing the flow of combat once more.

As I watched, wondering how long I could stay mesmerised before one of them noticed my stares, I began to discern the contrasts in their styles. One was prone to wide swipes against his challenger, pushing most of his power into each sway of his weapon, thrusting forward relentlessly in his assault. Another was more strategic with his hits, slowly leading his opponent into seemingly easy openings, only to pivot and shift instantly around their shape, catching them off-guard.

In the third of the pairs a tall figure snared my attention, his strikes precise yet _devastating_ in their brute force, weapon swirling in meticulous flourishes, making his blows all the more destructive to his competitor.

Without intentional thought my eyes skimmed over his bared chest, light skin slightly shimmering with sweat, deep black hair lightly doused in the same moisture. The way his muscles tensed with each swing awoke an unwelcome spasm low in my abdomen, finding myself not immune to the way the image in front of me ignited a craving I was too enraptured to ignore.

I tried to smother the beginnings of flames down below, yet my body kept reacting unconsciously to the enticing figure centred in my vision, his torso toned and hardened from years of ruthless combat.

My shape remained frozen, hypnotised, wishing only that I could step forward to view his chiselled frame up close. I kept damning myself for the heat starting to trace though my veins, knowing I should have more control over the dangerous imaginations that now flickered into my mind.

It was uncontainable, the surging desire that overwhelmed me whilst my eyes took in every moment of his powerful display of finesse and strength.

It only took a moment, a single second of control slipping from my grasp, all focus lost in a static flash.

The dark-haired man thrust his hand toward his opponent, launching them meters away, his head whipping immediately to where I stood.

_Oh no._

I almost tripped over my own feet as I begun to scurry out of the training room, a panicked breath stuck in my throat. I ran as swiftly as my legs would take me back to the turbo lift, my heart thumping so loud it was drowning out every one of my other senses. As the doors began to slide closed, I saw his towering figure dart into the hallway, eyeing me severely as I made my escape.

I could feel my knees shaking, my stance hard to hold, barely able to keep the bag I still carried with me within my grasp. Collecting my mind into any sense of composure was near impossible, the realisations of what I saw and what I’d let happen churning in and out of my thoughts.

He’d noticed it instantly, the momentary lapse in my protection, without even trying. And the cause of it, my sudden fascination, the way he moved, letting myself get caught in the maelstrom of his raw allure, allowing my guard to falter from lack of concentration.

So selfish. So primitive. So _irresponsible_.

I didn’t know what to do. He would be coming to find me, there was no doubt about that. And knowing what I did now, being able to recall his image without difficulty, I wasn’t sure I could keep steady against his attempts to read through my thoughts. At least, not yet.

I toyed with the idea of rushing back to my quarters, to get some time to think, but quickly decided it would be reckless to be cornered. Returning to a public place would be better, also recalling an alert would ring out from the _Prestige_ ward if I was away for too long.

I was still having trouble returning my breathing back to an even rhythm when I stepped through the entrance of the ward, pulling my jaw tight in an effort to appear unmoved by my expedition.

“How did the call out go?” Irwin asked, typing out a set of progress notes on the main computer.

“Fine,” I replied flatly. “Superficial weapon laceration and dislocated shoulder. Nothing life-threatening.”

I settled at the resuscitation area, reserved for critically ill patients. It had yet to be used in the short time I’d been here. I began to unpack the used components of the trauma kit, dropping them into disposal and restocking from the bay around me, hoping Irwin wouldn’t notice my incessantly shaking hands.

“You okay?” he queried, looking concerned.

_Damn._

I plastered on a fake smile. “Absolutely.”

He raised an eyebrow. “You seem a little pale.”

“Oh,” I breathed, rattling through options for an excuse. “I walked into a training session for the Knights of Ren. I guess it was a little... intimidating.”

Irwin nodded knowingly. “You’ll get used to it. I can’t count how many times I’ve had to patch up their wounds. They don’t hold any punches, even in training.”

“You knew I was going to be treating one of them? And you didn’t think of mentioning it before I left?” A quiet rage simmered up my chest, knowing I could have avoided this situation all together.

He placed his palms up, defensive. “It’s a rite of passage for this ward. You would’ve had to do it eventually.”

“Still doesn’t mean you couldn’t have given me heads up,” I grumbled, replacing the last of the pain relief vials into the kit and returning it to its designated spot.

“Why are you so upset? You just said it went fine.”

I shot him an underserving glare, my fear for what could be coming my way the only emotion influencing me. Irwin just shrugged, not wanting to push my mood. We both returned to the tech station, moving back into our computers in thick silence.

I wanted to distract myself and push through the nauseating dread that was throbbing inside, but as I sat with my fingers ready to type out the treatment I’d performed for Vicrul, I was locked in a motionless clenching of my muscles, unable to force them into movement.

All I could do was wait, take whatever dwindling time I had left until his appearance to brace myself against his telepathic onslaught.

*

Time moved without my awareness. If Irwin noticed the lack of progress in writing my notes, he didn’t mention it. I’d farewelled him over an hour ago, promising I was more than happy to stick out the rest of the shift alone. There was little movement from the patients within the ward, only sporadic coughing and sniffling breaking the silence.

He still hadn’t arrived. Every minute I expected him to appear through the ward doors, bursting in with an untempered wrath, and the longer I waited, the deeper my panic rooted itself within me.

It became almost excruciating, the anticipation of his attack on my mind, trying again to infiltrate through my barrier like it had for the briefest of moments.

I spent hours trying to conjure rationales that might hide the reality of what I’d mistakenly allowed, hoping to find a way to keep the blame on Rey. Nothing felt plausible enough for an intelligent man like him to take seriously. I could only rely on the possibility he would arrive to his own incorrect conclusion, one that might be far enough away from the truth to keep my secret safe.

I desperately didn’t want to go back to my quarters once my shift had come to an end, fearing he would be waiting for me there. It made sense that he would deem a public place an inappropriate setting for yet another interrogation.

After handing over to the next shift’s doctor I made my way slowly through the frosty durasteel halls, trying to build my concentration with each step. I couldn’t falter this time, not even a little bit.

I hesitated before slipping my hand over the scanner, attempting to feel out any trace of his energy in the rooms behind the door, knowing it was probably pointless.

One foot then slipped quietly past the open entryway, the air inside cold and still. I waited for a hint of movement, a breath, anything that might have indicated his presence. There was nothing.

My steps were timid as I continued to move into the living space, scrutinising every inch of the area, not a single indication of anyone, let alone _him_ , to be seen.

Relief wanted to surge through me, but an irrepressible panic was still there, sizzling under the surface, keeping me on edge. Although, the stress of a night sitting in bitter dread had left me weary, and the respite of knowing he wasn’t waiting for me here made me relax enough to consider attempting sleep.

I turned, ready to make the walk to my bedroom, and Kylo Ren was before me, appearing so suddenly my first instinct told me he was a hallucination, a product of my fear getting the better of me.

Yet within the next moment I knew he was truly here, his energy signature now unhidden, radiating with harsh intent.

The instant vision of his looming figure almost made me squeal in shock. He was adorned in the robes I recalled from my cell stay, helmet replaced onto his head, not a hint of the skin I’d witnessed in the night.

Somehow, the silence was undisturbed in the air around us, my teeth having clamped shut, staring him down with forced confidence, begging myself not to be inundated with images of his uncovered frame.

He began to move towards me, the inquisitive smoke he emitted pulsing into my body, although somewhat less insistent than before.

Self-preservation caused me to step backward when he made his advance. “What are you doing here?” I demanded, unfortunately without the conviction I wanted.

“I could have asked you the same question last night,” he answered severely, reminding me once again the chill his mechanically altered voice incited, continuing his encroachment into my space.

I had to tread backwards, his body getting dangerously close. But soon it was futile, the wall connecting into my back, leaving me trapped.

“I was called there. I was just doing my job,” I stated defiantly.

“Indeed,” he murmured. “I’ve been told you’ve taken to your new role quite well. But you and I both know I’m not here to discuss that.”

I swallowed hard, placing my hands flat against the icy durasteel beside me in an attempt to stop them trembling. “Do I?”

He huffed softly in frustration, his helmet lowering. Gloved hands moved to the cracked mask, fingers reaching underneath the metal. It hissed faintly as the mouthpiece that housed the vocoder became slightly detached from the rest of its shape. In one fluid motion he slipped it from his head, revealing the face I’d only viewed from a distance.

It was his deepened brown eyes that secured my attention first. The irises so dark I could barely discern where they ended and his pupils began.

I trailed my gaze over his face, not understanding the blood rushing to my cheeks in reaction to his unique features. The distinct shape of his nose, the delicate paleness of his skin, the plumpness of his pink lips, all of it culminating into an image I was not prepared for.

He was intimidatingly _attractive_ , seemingly of an age not far from my own. Jet black hair had fallen elegantly at his cheeks, the length now visible to be just below an impossibly sharpened jawline.

Just as his physique had caught me off guard, the full completion of his strikingly handsome appearance left me scrambling to maintain my mental balance.

“You still haven’t told me why you’re here,” I whispered, furiously retaliating the urge to surrender under his alluring stare.

His eyes pierced powerfully into mine, lips pressed in a solid line. “In the arena, while you were overlooking our training. I finally felt your signature, your thoughts. Only for a moment, before I was locked out once more. But you knew that. You felt it too.” 

The sound of his natural voice was unnerving, still deep and menacing without the vocoders filter.

I refused to supply an answer to his observation, thinking it was safer to play the fool. Instead, I displayed an expression of indifference, waiting for him to make his next move.

His towering frame was in front of me now, leaning dangerously close to my face, breath bristling onto my skin as he spoke, making my blood race even quicker though my system.

“I know _exactly_ what you were thinking about in that second. What you were feeling.”

I couldn’t stop my exhale from faltering, my composure ready to dissolve under the stress of fear and humiliation thumping in my chest.

“I didn’t know it was you,” I whispered, conceding. “It was a basal reaction. Something I didn’t actively control.”

An eyebrow arched. “Implying what exactly?”

I glared heat into his eyes, trying to make him sense my burning contempt. “I wouldn’t _ever_ want to think of you in that way.”

“But you did,” he murmured, his vision lingering slowly down my figure, inquisitive.

“Does it matter, what I think of you?” I challenged, trying to understand where his train of thought was heading.

_Has he figured it out or not?_

Finally, he returned to my stare, maintaining his proximity to my face.

“It does. Particularly when it was those very thoughts that caused the shield around your mind to vanish, if only for a moment.”

_This was it._

_He knew._

_He figured it out._

Every part of me felt like it was on fire. Every nerve, vessel, muscle and area of skin smouldering hot with a dark fear. My mind raced over the consequences of his realisation, thoughts of death or forceful seduction into the dark side tormenting me. Fears I’d been running from for so many years appearing as a reality I soon would be facing.

I waited for him to speak again, to explain what was to be done with me now my secret was exposed.

“I have a theory,” he clarified. “One I need to test.”

It took every portion of strength to stop my face from distorting into confusion. “What are you talking about?”

He didn’t answer, bringing his index finger to my lips.

“Shh,” he hushed lowly. The connection made my muscles lock, embers beginning to glow once again in the pit of my stomach. I could feel the darkened smog of his energy hanging in the atmosphere, yet not attempting to break through. Like it was waiting for something.

His eyes suddenly flickered down as he shifted to pull off his gloves, this time revealing both hands, the skin of them scattered with a few tiny scars.

One hand placed itself at the side of my head against the wall, holding himself steady as his leaned in even closer, our noses almost touching.

I couldn’t stop myself from recoiling, scrunching my lids closed and turning my head.

It was a poor decision, now feeling his exhale brushing against my skin, making my body react without any conscious control, the pace of my heartbeat surging higher with every second that passed.

His thumb traced the line of my jaw, so gently, the delicate sensation sending a shiver over my skin.

“What the _hell_ are you doing,” I hissed through gritted teeth, my mind battling between resentment and sudden craving, the two emotions screaming at me to give in to only one.

“Trying to replicate whatever caused the block to break,” he muttered, a lone finger sliding softly down my neck.

My head shot back to face him, his intimidating stare waiting for me when I opened my eyes. “Excuse me?”

His hand grasped around my throat, thumb under my chin, forcing my face to tilt upwards.

“Whatever the Jedi did, whatever shield she wound around your mind, it’s not able to withstand a surge of your own... _emotion_.”

I wanted to be relieved, the penalties of him discovering the truth of my gift mitigated, for now.

But I was suddenly trapped within a more alarming scenario.

“I don’t feel it anymore,” I seethed. “I don’t feel _anything_ for you.”

His jaw tightened, irritated. “That’s a lie, and you know it.”

“What are you going to do? Force yourself on me?” I condemned. “That seems uncouth, even for you.”

Kylo lifted his hand from my throat, and brushed his thumb over my lips, leaning to whisper in my ear.

“I saw it. What you imagined. What you _craved_ in that moment.”

His next words were slow, measured, making sure the impact was severe.

“ _I liked it_.”

Whatever hold I had on rationality was shattered with those three words.

Without warning he placed a luscious kiss at the base of my jaw, his tongue grazing the skin, causing a whimper to escape my throat.

Embers ignited into flames in my abdomen, and I was too concentrated on reinforcing my shield to spend any energy on smothering them.

Logic cried out that he was lying, only trying to break into the thoughts that had eluded him. But the way his hand reached to grab into my hair as his lips drifted down my neck, it made me a complete slave to my desire.

I wanted to resist, I wanted to feel _repulsed_ by him, but he’d forced his way past my tipping point, hunger beginning to overcome all sensible judgement.

He pulled his face back to mine, and I was locked into his eyes, ordering me to stay still. He released his grasp from my hair, the hand wandering to the clip holding my waistbelt together, releasing it easily, letting it fall to floor.

His stare was penetrating, persuasive, keeping me frozen, barely even a quiver in my inhale.

Slowly, he unfastened the buttons of my grey First Order coat, exposing the bare skin underneath, moving to draw his fingers over my tensed abdomen before letting his hand feel over the curve of my waist.

Every second of his touch, every connection of his fingertips, made the heat inside me grow hotter, my core beginning to pulse with a purely self-indulgent need. And through it all, the looming threat of his mental invasion was still hanging over me, ready to pounce on another slip of my concentration.

I trembled slightly as his index finger hooked delicately over the inside of my trousers, sliding along the seam, my hands disobeying his demanding stare to clutch his robes.

Somehow, I could have sworn I felt his hand shake, ever so slightly, hesitant, but I was unsure, possibly sensing the ricochet of my shuddering hips.

_Was he really going to go this far?_

He inhaled long and deep, pausing his advance, glaring brazenly in my eyes, his expression intense.

"Tell me you want it,” he rumbled, the low tenor making the flames inside increase their ferocity.

I gripped harder on him, fingers digging into the tough fabric. Suddenly, a voice made itself known within me, shouting _incessantly_ to stop this, but it wasn’t the one I had grown used to, the one that had been unusually quiet.

It was my own voice, _pleading_ , insisting this isn’t what I should be allowing to happen.

But I was too far gone, trapped within the waves of longing and lust, drowning in an ocean of desire.

“I want it.”

The semblance of a growl seeped from his lips, fingers swiftly sliding past both layers of fabric, not stopping until he’d reached my entrance.

I sucked in a soft squeal, lids squeezing shut, hips jerking from the tiniest contact with my arousal. His fingers were more focused on the wetness between my legs, slipping through it slowly, my insides clenching at the feeling.

“You really do,” he purred, teasing me with subtle movement, coating his fingers with me.

There was an inescapable pleasure that began to simmer as his touch moved upwards towards my clitoris, a soft moan rising from my chest.

Soon enough, I was struggling to push back the delirious fog of bliss that wanted to envelop my mind, fighting to keep my mental barrier strong under the weight of the haze.

Kylo didn’t allow me the time to collect myself, continuing to glide over the pleasure point, swirling over it, building his pace over time, my gasps becoming more desperate, more helpless.

Eventually he lost his steadiness on the wall, the hand slipping upwards, causing him to crash his forearm into the durasteel, his face falling to the side of my head. I could feel the sharpness of his breathing as the exhale brushed at my skin, harder than before.

The sensation pushed me even closer, as he maintained the sensual movement over my clit, internal flames now white hot and ready to combust. My moans grew louder, all thoughts being encompassed solely by the feel of his fingers on me, pulling me closer to ecstasy.

“Let it happen,” he rasped, almost breathless.

His words pushed me over the edge, an overwhelming euphoria rippling out from my core, a delighted whimper filling the air. My insides _throbbed_ with pleasure, shockwaves of electricity shooting down my legs, causing them to tremble uncontrollably.

I wanted to savour it, the rapture pouring through my blood, but I was suddenly aware of the suffocating hammering of energy into my shield, attempting to tear through its now fragile protection.

I could barely sustain myself against its thumping strikes, my mind cloudy, still coming down from the high of my release.

_A clever deception, invading when I was completely vulnerable._

_And... I’d let him._

With the smallest shards of my strength left, fortified only with the cold fury my realisation had brought about, I attempted to push his heavy body off me, struggling against the weight of his solid frame.

“Get away from me,” I snarled. “ _Now_.”

He drew his face back to meet mine, his stare still as smouldering as when I’d last seen it. His body barely shifted against my attempts to shove him away, muscles tensed underneath his robes.

When the protection of my shield still didn’t relinquish its hold he grew confused, slipping his hand out from under my clothes, eyes searching over the fingertips in disbelief.

The smoke receded in an instant, fading promptly from the air around me, giving me room to breathe. Kylo stepped back, not speaking a word, his face still exhibiting incomprehension, a turmoil appearing in his eyes.

I grasped the opportunity to step around his figure, darting to the bedroom, bursting through the door and locking it behind me. I knew if he really wanted to, he would break through the latch with ease.

But I had to do something, _anything_ , to prevent him from witnessing my descent into a disgusted misery.


	12. Indiscretion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's still the right date when I'm posting this so,
> 
> May the Fourth be with you!
> 
> <3

I felt dirty, my body stained with a foul sensation of degradation and hatred, not only for the man who had made it his mission to defile me, but for myself.

For giving in to emotion.

For letting myself believe that I wanted it.

For allowing him to touch me, to hear the passioned cry of my release, something _he_ didn’t deserve to hear.

Revulsion squeezed at my insides, wishing it hadn’t felt so _good_ , that in the moment I tipped over the edge I didn’t want more of him, more of the vile human who had toyed with me for his own gain.

I sobbed harder, laying curled on my bed, when through the loathing I could only think of Poe, desperately needing him with me, to feel his tight embrace, to sense the peace I felt when I looked into his eyes.

I missed him more then ever before, wanting nothing else in this moment than to reach out and feel his body next to me, to hear his voice soothing my distressed whimpers.

Anguish shocked me suddenly, awareness of his own disgust for my actions, if I even had the strength to tell him. It was him I wanted to expose that side of myself to, and now, it was horrendously tainted.

Who would ever want the woman who’d been touched by the enemy, who’d allowed it to happen, who’d _wanted_ it in a moment of weakness?

Sleep was impossible. I simply remained motionless above the quilt of my bed, weeping quietly, my First Order uniform still unclipped and dishevelled. Every time I began to feel the fog of slumber start to descend, a flickering image of his dark eyes sprung uninvited into my mind, keeping me endlessly nauseous, a constant reminder of all I was trying to forget.

*

The shower I took hours later didn’t do anything to wash away the filth I could feel over every inch of my body. No matter how high I made the temperature, the searing water couldn’t burn away feeling of contamination that seeped under my skin.

Soon I was caught with the burden of free time, having little to do to in ways of distraction. My appetite had yet to resurface, my brain was now too foggy from lack of sleep to read and my attendance back to the ward wouldn’t be required for hours still.

I sat unmoving on the sofa of the living space, the scene of our depravity, trying to figure out when I became this person. Falling constantly to the whim of my emotions, my basic human instincts, things I had previously kept a firm hold on so easily.

Had Poe’s arrival into my life all those weeks ago, and the subsequent infiltration into my heart, caused my intentional detachment from the world to become so much harder to maintain? Had he awoken something within me that I couldn’t put right again?

*

I didn’t move from that spot in the time preceding my next overnight shift, locked in a sort of despondent trance that continued to stay with me as I dragged my feet towards the _Prestige_ ward.

As a reckless coping mechanism I’d thrown the uniform I’d been caught in into the incinerator, my new uniform somehow even more unpleasant to wear. Truthfully, I didn’t care if the First Order gained knowledge of me destroying their property.

I never wanted lay eyes on those pieces of clothing ever again.

Risha was there to greet me when I made it just in time to clock in for duty. She was quick to walk away from her typing, glasses slipping down her nose as she moved. On moving closer her welcoming grin fell into an expression of concern, pushing her spectacles up to see my face clearly.

“Alex? Are you alright?”

I didn’t try to feign a smile. “Sure. I’m fine.”

She placed a gentle hand on my arm and pulled me into the unoccupied exam room, closing the door behind us.

“Not to be insensitive, but you look positively _awful_. Are you sick?” she asked, worried.

_Hm, maybe in some sense of the word_.

“No, not sick. I just want to get to work.”

“ _Hey_ ,” she prodded, placing herself in front of the door when I tried to leave. “You can tell me.”

“You’re just here to supervise me, keep me in line,” I countered. “Anything I say will go straight to the First Order.”

Risha’s face turned offended, stinging me harshly. “ _Actually_ , I took the job to make sure they didn’t hurt you.”

“You did?”

She nodded, her eyes kind. “I may be working for them, but I’m not everything they stand for. I felt sorry for your situation, and I didn’t want to let them beat you down even further. If I were close by, I could at least keep your spirits up, make this experience not the absolute _worst_ of your life.”

My downbeat mood quickly fizzled into apologetic, regretting instantly the scathing comment I’d thrown her way.

“I didn’t know Risha. I’m sorry,” I murmured. “Being stuck in this place.... It’s getting to me okay?”

“I know,” she soothed. “You’re doing so well.”

I sighed. “I just wish they would let me go already.”

Risha’s face turned uneasy, but she was hesitant to speak.

“What?” I prompted, always more worried when she looked anything other than content.

“Have you thought that maybe… they won’t let you go home, ever?”

I was contemplative for a moment, not having let that possibility be considered. “They made it seem like I was only being held here until…” I stopped, realising my conditions of imprisonment were only put in place by _him_. I was only here until he got what he wanted.

And I wasn’t about to let that happen without a fight.

Risha waited expectantly for me to finish my sentence. “Until when? Why do they want to keep you here?”

“If they didn’t tell you Risha, that means its confidential. I don’t want to get either of us into more trouble.”

Right now, nothing would have given me more delight than exposing the weakness that was obsessing their Supreme Leader, but I wasn’t about get myself cell bound without any chance of escape from his confrontations. The niggling thought of it happening again made my stomach drop, nausea evident on my face.

Risha appeared concerned but oddly understanding, obviously having a greater insight into exactly how the First Order operated. “Well, I hope whatever it is can happen soon. You’re better than this place.”

I struggled my way through a close-lipped smile, knowing she wouldn’t have meant it if she knew the cold truth of my entrapment.

“Are you sure you’re still okay to work?” she asked. “You really don’t look so well.”

“I’ll feel better when I’ve got some work to distract me,” I assured her, sceptical that it would be the case.

“If you’re sure,” she conceded, her face brightening again. “Come on, I’ll give you the handover.” She turned and opened the door for us both, leading towards the surveillance station. “Oh, and your _favourite_ patient is here.”

“Ugh not again,” I groaned. I knew exactly who she meant without the mention of his name.

Colonel Elias Wynver.

_I didn’t need this today._

He’d made a name for himself in this ward for being a little _too_ friendly with the female staff, consistently toeing the line between harmlessly flirtatious and utterly inappropriate. He’d already stayed in this ward twice since I’d been here, first for an apparently unbearable migraine, the second for a mysterious ache in his stomach that resolved into nothing concerning.

I despised being here when he was. The others took a more tolerable stance on his cheesy lines and playful banter, but I was less than accepting of his propositioning.

“He seems genuinely sick this time,” Risha added, trying not to laugh at my repulsed expression. “Looks like the virus might have made its way to people on the Bridge.”

“Wow, you’re really hitting me with all the bad news today,” I huffed.

She tried to look comforting. “Unfortunately yes. So I’d brace yourself for a few more patients.” She leaned in closer, hushing her voice. “Possibly some higher-ranking ones, even High Command are sent here. I would recommend not antagonising them like Colonel Wynver.”

I frowned. “I don’t antagonise him.”

“ _Alex_ ,” she scoffed. “You know you do.”

“He just puts me in a bad mood. The way he talks to us. It’s… _icky_.”

“I’m aware,” she agreed through a long exhale. We’d sat down at the computer now, Risha beginning to bring up our current inpatient profiles on the screen. “But you’re just going to have to humour him, or any other higher-ranking patient for the time being. We don’t have the luxury of talking back to our superiors. No one cares about our feelings, we’re just here to do our job.”

“I’ve noticed,” I grumbled. “I still think it’s unfair they can get away with it.”

“That’s just the way it is Alex. It always has been. But the staff here, we look out each other. I’ve been hassled and berated many times, but there’s always someone around that intervenes, mediates, keeps me safe.”

I looked severely into her eyes, purposeful. “It shouldn’t have to be that way Risha. They’re the problem, they should be providing the solution.”

“In a perfect galaxy…” she sighed, trailing off. “I’m also trying to imply that you’re walking on thin ice as it is. One snappy remark will get you a one-way ticket to that lonely cell. And I know you don’t want to be back there.”

I dropped my head, conceding. “Okay, I get it. I promise I’ll try and play along.” I returned to her eyes again, pointing my finger up. “But only to a point. One word about _any_ body part and I’m not shutting my mouth.”

“Well don’t say I didn’t warn you,” she uttered. “Now let me give this handover, I want to get out of here.”

*

Thankfully I was so busy with new admissions over the night I didn’t need to actively avoid Colonel Wynver, and dealing with a few of the more unwell patients kept me busy enough so that he didn’t come skulking around the surveillance station while he was bored.

The virus had hit some of the older military personnel a little harder than the rest, one already requiring ventilator support, which maintained most of my focus while Irwin took care of smaller matters. Supposedly he’d worked so long in the _Prestige_ ward that he was out of practice in high level critical care. Seemed about right, since a large majority of these command leaders barely ever saw battle, meaning they rarely received the kind of injuries that required heart or lung support.

Eventually, I had a tap at my shoulder, Irwin coming up beside me in the isolation room.

“Need a break?” he asked, looking over the tubes and lines linking this Captain to several softly beeping machines.

I glared up at him, eyebrows raised. “I thought you said you couldn’t handle a patient like this.”

“ _Technically_ I said you would be better suited to looking after him, since I haven’t worked any set-up like this in years,” he corrected.

I was still irritated at his withholding of information during our last shift, and this attitude wasn’t exactly lifting my mood.

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. Are you offering to be polite or are you actually able to let me step away for a bit?”

“Both,” he insisted, not commenting on my scathing disposition. “It’s been a few years, but I think I can handle it for a short time. The medical droids can help me, and you’ll only be in the breakroom anyway. I’m sure you can come back in a pinch if you hear the alarm go off.”

He was right, and I was too desperately hungry to argue if I wanted to.

“Well thanks, a break would be nice,” I agreed, getting out of my chair. Walking away, I glanced back at Irwin, already noticing his puzzled expression as he looked over my notes.

_Don’t you dare kill my patient._

As I turned back into the main ward area, my eyes were quickly drawn to an impressive bouquet of flowers sitting on the counter of the surveillance station. I wandered over, wanting to inspect the brilliant colours of everlilies, blueblossoms, purple passions and rojos, breathing in a delectable sweet scent as I moved closer.

It was the most vibrant array of colours I’d seen in weeks, looking incredibly out of place within the bland grey and white of the ward. A card was placed delicately within the flourish of petals, reading the name of one of the female patients currently housed with us. Obviously Irwin had placed them here for the time being, until the patient was awake to receive her gift without the interruption of her much needed sleep.

I couldn’t help but feel from warmed by the thought that there were still people on this ship who were loving and generous enough to send flowers to an ill friend, or maybe even lover.

I took a moment to look over the arrangement, taking one of the everlilies and pulling it closer to my nose, smelling the wonderfully pleasant perfume it produced.

“They’re pretty aren’t they,” a familiar voice startled me, coming from my right.

“You’re supposed to be sleeping,” I reminded, my heart pacing suddenly at the interruption.

I turned to face Colonel Wynver who was standing with me at the worktop, leaning leisurely onto the surface. I could still see the piercing blue of his eyes in the faintly lit ward, his deep brown hair clearly not rumpled from being rested on a pillow.

“How could I possibly sleep when you’re here to brighten the night,” he replied, a leering smirk already on his lips.

_Ew_.

“Well I guess I should leave then,” I insisted through a fake smile, beginning to move again.

“But I’m already awake. The _least_ you could do engage in a little conversation to keep your patient from boredom.”

I swivelled back, a hidden irritated sigh pushing past my lips. “I’m meant to be going on my break Colonel.”

His expression turned delighted. “Perfect! So you won’t be wasting any of the First Order’s time.”

Only Risha’s warnings from earlier kept my teeth from unclenching into a shrill rebuttal.

He jumped on my silence, assuming it was my agreeance to his proposition. “You like the flowers, hm?” He nodded towards the bouquet.

“They are lovely,” I replied curtly, trying to think of another reason to leave, wishing desperately for my ventilated patient’s alarms to go off.

“Is a favourite of yours in there?” he pressed, shifting slightly nearer on the guise of examining the bouquet with me.

I looked over the petals again, marvelling at their well-thought-out composition. “While these are beautiful, I’m more partial to a jade rose.”

He made another movement closer, making my shoulders tense. “Interesting,” he murmured, the tone of his voice making an unwelcome shiver cross my skin. “Why is that?”

“They were grown on the higher levels of Coruscant. I always loved seeing them when my family took me to the surface levels,” I responded candidly, momentarily lost in the memory of my home planet. “It’s been years since I’ve seen one.”

Wynver hummed in interest to my answer. “So you’re from the Core,” he deduced. “The women from there are always more charming than those in the Outer Rims.”

I could feel the bile bubbling in my stomach. “I don’t think that's necessarily true.”

“Well it’s true in your case,” he mused, his hand drifting dangerously close to mine on the counter.

I began to feel physically sick, not needing this kind of grotesque behaviour with what I was still coming to terms with.

“That’s very nice of you to say,” I replied through gritted teeth. “I should really go and have something to eat. I’m starving.”

I turned to leave again, not even feeling the slightest hint of an appetite.

A hand grabbed my wrist, Wynver quickly swivelling me around and yanking my body into his chest.

“I was feeling a little hungry myself,” he growled, his other hand clamping onto my neck, pulling my face towards him.

I reacted immediately, snatching my arm from his grasp and connecting my other palm ruthlessly into his face, one knee thrusting into his stomach for good measure.

He staggered backward from my blow to his abdomen, wheezing through the pain I’d caused.

“How _dare_ you,” I seethed, spitting my words. “I am not some kind of prey you can hunt, you _disgusting_ excuse for a human.”

“You _bitch_ ,” he coughed, the rustling of patients echoing in the background. I was already charging out of the room, knowing it was inevitable for the Stormtroopers to descend on me not long from now.

There was no way Wynver was letting this go without punishment.

*

I was waiting patiently in the breakroom when the Stormtrooper guards marched in to seize me, seeming a little surprised at how easily I gave myself into their custody.

While I dreaded the familiar bleakness of my cell, it felt somewhat gratifying to finally get a hit onto that _asshole_. The thought that maybe he would think twice about attacking any of the other female staff who innocently worked there was enough to make me blissfully content with my decision to retaliate.

It was exactly how I’d remembered it, the image of a single cot and sink in the cold metal room appearing just as dreary as before. As I sat down on the exceptionally thin mattress, I still couldn’t stop my hands from trembling, unable to shake the adrenaline that had rushed through me the moment Wynver snatched at my arm.

_Maker, I hated this place._

I hated the people here. These evil, heartless people who didn’t care who they damaged for their own selfish goals.

I was left to myself for at least an hour before the cell door opened, General Hux appearing past the sliding metal. He appeared barely awake, eyes not seeming as infuriated as I was used to, lids threatening to droop closed.

My greeting smile was wide and cheery, not bothering to stand for my superior.

“Did the news of my altercation wake you up General Hux?”

“You seem awfully jovial for someone who is going to be stuck in this cell for the foreseeable future,” he scorned, walking in to join me.

“It was worth it. That _creep_ deserved it.”

Hux glared down at me. “Witnesses to your attack on our Colonel say it was unprovoked, something that he himself has testified to.”

“What?” I snapped, standing up. “He tried to _force_ himself on me!”

“That’s not what our witnesses seem to recall,” he argued. “They told us he was engaging you in pleasant conversation before you decided to take it upon yourself to assault him.”

My mouth gaped open. “Surely the security cameras showed the way he grabbed me when I’d tried to leave.”

Hux looked away, disinterested. “The results of the security footage was inconclusive.”

“Yeah that seems about right,” I huffed, sitting back into my cot.

How I ever thought I could defend myself against the First Order hierarchy was naïve.

“Is that all you’re here to tell me? That I’m stuck in here forever?”

He breathed through gritted teeth, and I couldn’t stop feeling amusement at the way I seemed to annoy him. “I was here to gather your experience of the events.”

“Sure,” I scoffed. “Like you’ve ever taken _anything_ I’ve said seriously. You’d already made up your mind before you walked in.”

“I’m more inclined to believe the testimonies of many high-ranking command leaders before you, you snivelling little-”

He unexpectedly stopped his verbal barrage when a deafening vibration buzzed through his words. His hand reached quickly into the inside of his black coat, pulling out a small portable holoprojector, eyeing me viciously before making his way out of the cell.

I slumped back into the cot, only wishing he’d leave me alone so I could get some much-needed sleep.

It was a few minutes later Hux returned, looking even more enraged than before. He swallowed hard before speaking, obviously not pleased with the communication he’d received.

“The Supreme Leader wishes to see you. In his personal quarters,” he relayed, his tone clipped.

I gripped the edge of the cot, looking desperately into Hux’s deadened eyes. “I’m happy to stay in this cell, for whatever amount of time.”

“It wasn’t a question. It was a direct order.”

I shook my head sharply. “Please don’t,” I begged. “Please let me stay here.”

Hux raised an eyebrow, both inquisitive and enjoying my sudden displeasure. Yet he didn’t speak, instead moving to open the cell door once again, his nod motioning towards the Stormtrooper guards that were waiting at the entry. Two of them immediately filed inside and grabbed my arms before I could resist, a cold dread pouring through my veins.

With only emotion controlling me, I struggled against their hold, heels digging hopelessly into the floor.

“No,” I whimpered weakly. “ _Please_.”

My pleading fell onto deaf hears, dragged away to a consequence even worse than cruel imprisonment.

*

Panic was threatening dig its roots further into me the closer I was hauled towards Kylo Ren’s living quarters, my heart beating recklessly fast, breathing short and sharp.

Hux still walked with us, this time not leading the way, yet from behind me I could sense his depraved joy at the obvious protest to my attendance in front of the Supreme Leader.

I wasn’t ready to confront him again, I wasn’t prepared to feel the pressure of the smoky haze, and I certainly hadn’t come to terms with the _repulsion_ I still felt at even the thought of his face.

I could tell we were nearing our destination when the turbo lift opened to an impossibly black corridor, a few sparsely spaced red lights lining the floor, guiding our way to the large blast door at the end. There were remnants of his energy swirling in the space, a dark cloud of unease overwhelming me.

For some indiscernible reason, I began to sense the Stormtroopers who were gripping me radiate the same fear as we pushed forward.

The blast door was at my face as one of the guards grazed over a button on the security panel, the light immediately blinking green.

“We have the hostage here for you Supreme Leader,” the Stormtrooper said gruffly.

The blackened metal slid open from each side, revealing a portion of the vast residence, appearing both luxurious and emotionless, almost as if it were barely lived in.

I was pushed roughly past the entryway, alone, shooting my head back to view Hux smirking at me, before the door glided closed once again.

Frantically, I reached for the security panel on this side of the barrier, a final attempt to possibly evade being in _his_ company again.

My fingers pressed the selection of buttons, praying one would magically release the lock. I was met with only a stubborn red light blinking at me. 

With an uneven breath I straightened my posture and turned, scanning the area with narrowed eyes, waiting for his figure to appear. My steps were slow, tentative, as I moved through the space, glancing over an immense transparisteel window that took of most of the rear wall, the glittering abyss of the galaxy laid out for me to see.

The room I’d entered, evidently acting as a lounge area, was adorned with very few pieces of charcoal coloured furniture, making it all the less homely on closer inspection. I would have looked around more, maybe attempted to guess what rooms laid behind the closed doors placed evenly on the surrounding walls, but I was too enraptured by the hypnotising view into space that I hadn’t seen in years. 

My eyes flickered over the countless dazzling white points, also noticing the coloured orbs that represented far off planets. For a moment I forgot where I was, my focus drawn outwards, the anxious fog hanging over me fading away to the back of my awareness.

I pondered how far we were away from Raxus, my thoughts briefly aimed to all of my patients who were left to deal with my sudden disappearance, praying they were still well without my presence.

Yet soon, my mind drifted to another matter.

A hand reached to the glass-like surface, wondering if, somewhere out there, Poe was still alive, looking into same dark void and missing me. Maybe even trying to find me like he’d promised.

I felt his entrance before I turned, noting the familiar murky haze as its intensity spread throughout the room. As my head swivelled around, I was immediately drawn to his gaze, slightly stunned when I realised he wasn’t adorned in his mask.

The vision of his face now coming into view felt like a bolt of lighting through my nerves, shocking my system back into the fury and contempt I had felt yesterday morning.

He looked back at me cautiously, the hint of hesitation as he moved away from the room he’d exited, walking slowly towards me.

“ _Don’t_ ,” I seethed, shooting my palm out defiantly. “Don’t come any closer.”

I saw him swallow hard, his expression controlled.

“As you wish,” he replied, stopping a few meters from where I stood. He let the silence hang in the air for the moment, studying my reaction to his presence.

“I know you are displeased with my actions-”

“ _Displeased_?” I shouted, feeling my cheeks fill with heated blood. “That doesn’t scratch the surface of the _loathing_ I feel for you.”

He looked away, jaw tightening. “If you might let me finish, I was about to preface this discussion with an apology.”

I looked at him incredulously, almost wanting to laugh. “You think saying sorry is going to change anything?”

“I assumed it would be the correct course of action, no matter if it changed your opinion,” he explained, irritation singeing his tone.

I scoffed. “So you’re just attempting an apology to be _polite_? There was nothing polite about the way you forced yourself on me, only to test out a _sick_ theory of yours.”

Kylo's eyes suddenly turned fuming, the energy around him becoming heavy with ire. “I did not force myself on you.”

“What?” I squeaked, stunned at his audacity.

He stepped forward, caring little for my request to stay back. “I asked for your consent, and you gave it to me. I never held you down, forced you still.” His eyes were manic, expression moulded into severe hostility.

My mouth gaped open, outrage rippling through my body. I tried to form the words to refute him, to protest against the blame he was pinning on me, but I couldn’t formulate any sounds, barely a breath escaping my lips.

“You cannot accept the truth of it, can you?” he continued. “You didn’t tell me to stop because you _wanted_ it.”

“You took advantage of me!” I yelled. “All to gain some information that I told you I don’t have, to overcome a power you want to break through. You lied about it all, manipulated me! You did a _vile_ thing and you’re making me believe I deserved it!”

“I did not lie,” he disputed, voice low. “I will admit to taking advantage of your disposition towards me to trial a hypothesis, and for that...” He strained to say the words, a stark discomfort twisting his features as they moved from his lips. “... _I apologise_. But I will not be called a liar.”

His stare was unwavering then, not even blinking, watching over my reaction.

Again I struggled to form a coherent sentence, his statement turning over in my mind. Memories of the previous morning flashed in sequence, the first making a cold awareness settle on my skin.

‘ _I have a theory, one I need to test_.’

I’d known this all along and did nothing to stop him. I never said no, never attempted to push him away.

When the next memory flashed in my mind, the words he’d spoken to dissolve every sense of reluctance to his touch, knowing that he’d truly meant them, made my heart thump molten blood around my body.

‘ _I saw it. What you imagined. What you craved in that moment. **I liked it**._’

I couldn’t stop the incomprehension showing on my face, puzzled how a being such as him had enough humanity left within to feel those things, to actually experience _any_ kind of enjoyment from the thoughts I’d had.

To believe he’d even took pleasure what he’d done to me... It just didn’t seem plausible.

I wanted to ask about it further, the questions waiting on my tongue. He took the opportunity of my silence to change the subject, a flicker of distress washing fleetingly over his face at my realisation, before it morphed back into frustration.

“Now, I was hoping that allowing your release from that cell would somewhat improve your mood, yet it appears not.”

More confusion. “You’re letting me out?”

He exhaled hard, his head tilting back in annoyance. “I should have assumed Hux wouldn’t have told you,” he uttered. “Yes. You are not being punished with imprisonment for your… indiscretion.” 

The recollection of why I was actually here simmered to the surface. “It was self-defence! He grabbed me!”

“I’m aware Alexys,” he said firmly. It occurred to me I’d never heard him say my name before.

Another throb of lava coursed through me at the sound.

“I have viewed the security footage, and listened to the conversation you were having before the incident. I understand what occurred.”

“Hux wasn’t privy to these recordings? He seemed to imply there were witnesses who countered my version of events.”

“He’s seen them. He viewed it as an opportunity to teach a lesson to those who would consider retaliating against command leaders, regardless of whether you were right in doing so.”

“ _Asshole_ ,” I muttered under my breath. I saw the side Kylo’s lip twitch, holding down a smirk. “But if you know what he did, aren’t you going to do something about the Colonel?”

Kylo nodded. “He has been demoted and will be sent elsewhere on the Finalizer.”

I was visibly startled he’d made that decision, my head recoiling. It mystified me, battling against my pre-conceived notions of his moral compass, making me feel uneasy.

“That’s it then? I can keep working?” I asked eagerly, still cautious I wouldn’t be getting out of this completely unpunished.

“Indeed,” he replied, looking back at me expectantly. “Some form of appreciation wouldn’t go astray.”

“You want me to _thank_ you for pulling me out of cell that I didn’t deserve to be in?”

“I thought as much.”

“Can I go now? I have a patient I need to check on,” I urged, my eyes glancing to the blast door.

It struck me how much calmer I’d quickly become, his presence not igniting the same sense of anger as when he’d first came into view. And that unsettled me.

“You are free to leave, although I should alert you your shift is long over,” Kylo stated, stepping aside and gesturing to the exit.

“I know,” I confirmed. “I just want to make sure he’s okay. He was a little unstable overnight, and I won’t be able to sleep without knowing he’s alright.”

Kylo eyes furrowed, a subtle fascination descending into his sharp features. “You care about your job here? For the patients you're treating?”

“Are you implying I shouldn’t?”

“Not exactly,” he replied, letting a beat of silence drift in. “It just… intrigues me. That you would still have concern for those working within the organisation keeping you here.”

I shot him at look of exasperation. “Correction. _You_. You’re the one who’s keeping me here.”

He rumbled under his breath. “Regardless, it interests me to know you’ve grown to worry about the people who serve my order.”

I was thoughtful for a moment, not recognising until now the sense of duty and responsibility I’d begun to feel towards the people who entered the _Prestige_ ward. The same things I’d always felt for my patients on Raxus.

“Well I did say it before. I’ll treat anyone who’s in need of my care. That really means anyone.”

Kylo studied me then, my answer somehow bringing along more questions with it. But he didn’t ask them.

“I’ll leave you to make your return then,” he said softly.

I nodded, and began to move through his quarters, still keeping a distance between his body and mine. I’d made it to the door when the urge suddenly struck me, peering back to Kylo’s waiting stare.

“Thanks… for uh… Just thanks,” I muttered quietly, turning again before he could see me cringing at how _pathetic_ I’d sounded.

I didn’t know what made me say it, what part of my brain had overwhelmed my usual judgment, but in that moment, it was all I wanted to express.

This time when I tapped my fingers on the security panel it opened immediately, finally allowing my exit back into the dark hall, not a Stormtrooper in sight. Once I’d entered the turbo-lift I was plagued with confusion over the outcome of our meeting, trying to come to terms with the shift in my attitude.

So many different emotions were swirling within my chest, but I was mostly surprised at the absence of one in particular.

Anger.

It had somehow receded within me, calmed into submission for an unknown reason.

When the lift doors opened again I was almost blinded by the bright, white lights of the upper deck corridor, harshly scolded back into reality.

I felt weary, the events of the night leaving me desperate for a deep slumber. But I still made my way back to the _Prestige_ ward, hoping Irwin hadn’t allowed my patient to slip into death without me there to supervise.

With only one more corner to turn I was abruptly grabbed by the arm and pulled into an almost pitch-black room, the door snapping shut, only the lights of several control panels blinking in the darkness. The figure who’d snatched me away wasn’t visible, his outline difficult to discern.

“Press that that yellow button once I’m gone. The door will be hard-locked for 15 minutes only,” a hushed voice explained, before dashing through the exit. I could only make out the curled blonde hair of a male, dressed in a First Order uniform I couldn’t differentiate from others in the split second of light I was afforded by the quickly closing door.

As stunned as I was, I stepped forward in the blackness and reached for the button I had been instructed to push. In front of me a flat circle of metal illuminated, blue light shimmering from its core, sputtering an image into existence.

“Poe? Is that really you?”


	13. Exposure

“Alex!” I heard his familiar voice exclaim. “You’re okay!”

“So are you!” I burst, my eyes already wet with tears of glee. I gazed into the holoprojection of his face, his cheerful eyes and brilliant smile beaming through from lightyears away.

“You have no idea how glad I am to see you,” he grinned, leaning closer into the holo. “They’ve been trying to make this contact for _weeks_.”

A dazzling joy surged in my chest, so relieved that my assumptions of being forgotten were baseless.

“Did you complete your mission?” I asked hurriedly.

“I did,” he nodded. “You’re talking to the best pilot in the galaxy here.” He shot me a charming wink, maintaining his smile. “I actually made it back a few days ahead of schedule.”

I didn’t attempt to stop the tears from dribbling down my cheeks, so incredibly reassured in hearing his voice. “I’ve been so worried,” I sniffled.

Poe’s expression turned earnest. “I was going to say the same thing.” His face dropped then, eyes looking down. “I didn’t want to leave you there, to leave you to them. I’m so sorry Alex. We’re all sorry.”

“It’s alright,” I soothed softly. “It was the right thing to do at the time. Did you all make it back to the base?”

He nodded. “Left just in time to avoid their tracking systems. So your sacrifice wasn’t for nothing.”

“Indeed it wasn’t,” I heard a woman’s voice speak up in the holo, her instantly recognisable image appearing in front of me moments later.

_Leia Organa._

“I’m so glad to finally put a face to the person who saved my best fighters.”

I was awestruck at the sight of the entrancing older woman with kind yet determined eyes, looking right to me.

“Well… uh… _they_ were the ones who protected me against the Death troopers. I really didn’t do anything.”

She shook her head, smiling warmly at me. “We all know what you did, what you’ve endured because of your selflessness.”

“What I’ve endured?”

“We have recently gained a Resistance spy within the First Order, the one who directed you to this holoprojector,” Poe started explaining. “They’ve been keeping an eye on you. Sending us intel about your condition.”

I thought of the blonde, curled hair I glimpsed a few minutes ago, not recalling ever seeing it before. Whoever it was had obviously done his reconnaissance at a distance.

“The cell stay wasn’t exactly easy,” I conceded, looking sincerely to Poe. “But I’m managing better now.”

_A glaring lie._

“One thing they couldn’t tell us Alex,” Leia started, her expression now troubled. “Is why exactly they’re keeping you on the _Finalizer_. Our spy hasn’t been able to collect any information about that. To me, it seems a little... _bizarre_ you’re being forced to work for them.”

I was stuck on how to begin to formulate an answer when a commotion from behind the two figures made them turn around.

“I heard you finally made contact!” Rey’s voice excitedly cheered from somewhere in the room, her image quickly arriving into my view, displaying an enthusiastic grin as she huddled in next to Leia. “Alex! I’m so glad to see you!”

I returned a warming smile, her sunny disposition difficult not to mirror.

“Oh thank the _maker,_ ” Finn heaved, sliding alongside Rey, the four figures now pressed closely into the outline of the holo, Poe seeming faintly annoyed at the intrusion. “If I had to live through _one_ more day of Poe ranting about this stealth signal not getting through, I was gonna go insane.”

Poe was already looking to me when I glanced at his face, an unspoken understanding exchanging between us.

“Well now since _apparently_ we’re all here,” Poe huffed. “Can we actually get back to the issue at hand? We’ve only got a limited amount of time before this signal becomes compromised, and the hard-lock on Alex’s comm-room door overrides.”

Leia nodded in agreement and looked at me purposefully again. “Do you know why they’re holding you there Alex?”

I was smacked with a heavy dose of terror in giving my answer, my gaze shooting immediately to Rey. Her smile had faded, instead she wore an expression of reassurance.

_She hadn’t told them._

“I… I… uh…” I stammered, a flurry of emotions spinning in my brain. I was so sure she would have exposed me. And now I was faced with the decision to tell them all exactly why I was being kept on this ship.

“It’s okay Alex,” Rey insisted, her tone calming. “I know why you’re scared. I _completely_ understand why you kept it a secret. But we won’t harm you because of it. I _promise_.”

All eyes darted to Rey, each face breaking into confusion.

Poe was the only one to say what they were all thinking. “What are you talking about?”

I felt my chest begin to tighten, oxygen becoming a little harder to grasp onto. “I’m not ready,” I whispered.

Rey’s appearance was comforting, yet serious. “It’s time. You may not be ready, but sometimes we don’t get the choice.”

I inhaled deeply, scrunching my lids closed, trying to build some sort of confidence to reject all of the instincts and rules I had been abiding by all these years. A lifetime of keeping my gift undisclosed, hiding it away, never getting too close to anyone, had left me more attached to my secret than anything else in the galaxy.

Fear had always kept it’s hold over me, guiding my actions, and it was pulling at me again now, trying to warn me of the danger once more. But if I didn’t tell them, Rey would be forced to.

And most of all, I wanted Poe to hear it from me.

“I can… use the Force,” I said slowly, most likely out loud for the first time in my life. “I taught myself how to heal people with it, but only when they were close to death.”

There was an excruciating silence as Poe, Leia and Finn comprehended my answer, each wearing a different expression of realisation. My stare was only focused on Poe, trying to properly gauge his reaction to my admittance of lying to him.

“I didn’t want anyone to find out, so I’d also learnt how to hide it, to prevent other force-sensitive people from feeling my energy, from hearing my thoughts.”

“Why?” Leia asked gently. “Why were you so afraid?”

“My parents were so distrustful of those who were attuned to the Force, after living through a time where Darth Vader wreaked havoc on the galaxy. They told me old stories of little children being taken away from their families to be trained as Jedi, only to have all of them massacred, even the younglings. They made it seem like the most dangerous thing in the world was being someone with that gift. So even as a child, when I felt the power growing within, I pushed it down, hid it away. I didn’t want to fight in any wars, and I didn’t want to be killed like the rest of them. I just wanted a normal life.”

Both Rey and Leia were nodding with me as I spoke, seeming to understand my decision.

“That’s why you were on Raxus. So isolated,” Poe murmured, not looking at me.

“Yes. I kept it a secret for as long as I could, all through my training, only using this power sporadically through the years. But I was too close to being caught whilst working in a medical camp on the Inner Rim, during a skirmish the First Order instigated on a planet because of their resources. A Stormtrooper noticed me healing one of the planet’s inhabitants, one whom he was sure he’d rendered on the brink of death. He wanted to take me to his leader, claiming he would have good use for someone with my abilities. I managed to escape him and ran, giving up my job, my home, all without telling anyone where I was going. I settled on Raxus, built my clinic, rarely having to use my power, never really worrying about being caught again. Until... Poe crashed on my doorstep.”

“And you had to use it then, didn’t you?” Rey assumed, obviously a question she had been waiting to ask. I nodded.

Finn’s eyes sparkled. “I knew it! I _knew_ there was a reason he healed so quickly.”

The death stare Rey shot to him was severe in intensity, and under any other circumstances I would have thought it was funny. But my focus was centred completely on Poe’s expression as he seemed engrossed in deliberation, his eyes still not reaching back to me.

“Is this why they’re keeping you held on the _Finalizer_? They wish to utilize your power to heal?” Leia guessed.

“They don’t know about it.”

Each of their expressions turned to disbelief.

“ _How_? Surely Kylo Ren would have rummaged through your mind the minute you got on that ship,” Finn alleged, turning to Rey. “That’s what he did to you right?” She nodded in agreement, still looking to me for my answer.

“I was able to keep him out, like I did to you Rey,” I replied.

Rey seemed impressed, and a realisation clicked behind her eyes. “That’s why he won’t let you leave. He hasn’t figured out why."

I became uneasy, suddenly worrying about the blame I’d been placing on her. “He thinks it’s because of you, that you’ve somehow placed a block around my mind. And I... didn’t exactly correct him.”

Rey let a sly smile form on her lips. “Well that would be a valuable thing to make use of, if only it were true.”

Finn appeared dubious. “I still don’t understand why you agreed to work for them.”

“I didn’t really have a choice,” I subtly scowled. “It was that or rot in a cell until Kylo Ren managed to infiltrate my thoughts, learning of my sensitivity to the Force, leaving me in a lot worse situation.”

Finn appeared understanding of that answer. It had been Rey’s own powers that made the man _obsessed_ with capturing her.

Leia, who had seemed more troubled while we conversed of the Supreme Leader, finally spoke up again. “How long do you think you can hold yourself against… _him_?”

“I don’t know.” My heart thumped with anxiety, reminded of his last attempt to penetrate my barrier. Thinking about it, with Poe’s image right in front of me, made a familiar sickness bubble in my stomach. He still refused to meet my gaze, his face pained, making an ache begin to surge in my chest.

“Well we have to make some kind of plan right? To rescue her before that happens? Poe?” Finn insisted, somehow rustling Poe out from his inner turmoil.

“Right. Sure. Of course,” he agreed, only the slightest glance in my direction. I had to clench my teeth to hold back the tears wanting to form in my eyes, his indifferent response causing a wave of guilt to wash through me.

Leia could sense the tense energy exchanging between us, even through the holo. “Finn, Rey, let’s start discussing our next move. Away from the holoprojector.” She looked firmly at the two, an unspoken communication. Rey shot me a look of both support and sympathy, understanding exactly why Leia was leading them away.

“Hang in there,” Finn added before standing to leave. “We’ll get you out of there soon.”

I tried my best to reply with a grateful smile, but it was hard to form through the nervousness I felt at being alone with Poe after my revelation.

One by one their figures receded from the flickering blue picture in front of me, leaving Poe alone once again. I couldn’t bring myself to speak first, unsure of what to say. He felt further away than ever, his touch a memory that continued to fade.

Time was running out, the seconds ticking away ceaselessly as we both waited in stillness for the other to break the strained silence. When his eyes finally drifted to me again, I was wounded by the hurt in them, still acutely obvious in the artificial image.

“Why couldn’t you tell me?” he whispered. “You had all that time.”

I dipped my head, conceding. “I was scared.”

“Scared of what?” he shot with unrestrained exasperation. “Scared that I would continue to be grateful for you saving my life?”

I looked back up, stunned by his angered tone. “I didn’t want _anyone_ to find out, let alone someone who had ties with the Resistance.”

“What did you think I would do, what the Resistance would make you do?” he snapped, a harsh edge to his voice.

“Pull me into a war I didn’t want to fight, lead me into a life I didn’t want to lead!”

I could see his jaw tighten, an attempt in calming himself. “The fact you believe I’m the type of person that would force you into anything, let alone war, even after everything I told you, is _insulting_.”

“That’s so unfair,” I retaliated, my bottom lip on the edge of trembling. “I didn’t even know who you were when I decided to heal you. I chose to risk _everything_ to keep you alive. Doesn’t that mean anything?”

Poe exhaled hard, the sound crackling in the holo. “I will _always_ be in debt to you for that. But you lied to me Alex. To my face. You assumed the worst of me, of the people who are fighting for freedom in the galaxy. You hid the truth because you presumed we would take advantage of your power, not caring about what _you_ wanted, what _you_ could choose.”

“You haven’t lived my life Poe,” I argued, a ferocity beginning to rise. “You haven’t lived with the same fear I have all _your_ life.”

He stared at me through the staticky blue light, silence once again taking over. We were locked in each other’s eyes, even through all the distance separating us.

“You pushed me away because of it, didn’t you?” he questioned, the harshness of his tone now gone.

I didn’t have to respond for him to know my answer. It was written all over my face. Suddenly I heard a loud click of the door behind me, the hard-lock releasing.

Our time was up.

“I’m sorry,” I implored, only a moment before Poe’s face was snatched from my view, the holoprojector powering down into darkness.

My throat felt tight, a new kind of shame gripping me tightly. I’d always been so afraid of sharing my secret, but not for this reason. Not because it would make me a liar in the eyes of the one I longed to be reunited with so badly.

*

I stayed in the darkened comm-room long after the hard-lock was disengaged, yet no one came to open it. Even if they had, they would have only found my figure sitting against one of the large data configurators, stuck in a motionless trance.

I wasn’t entirely sure what kept me from crying, because there was certainly a hollow sadness sitting on my chest, yet the emotion never seemed to manifest into anything. It was possibly due to the stark realisation that my power, my use of the Force, wasn’t a secret anymore.

And nothing bad had happened.

They hadn’t been scared of me, judgemental, desperate to use it for their own benefit. They had wanted nothing from me. Rey had even kept it to herself, waiting for me to expose it in my own time, supporting the decision I’d made long ago to hold it deep within.

Alongside the sadness, there was an intense shame thumping with my heartbeat. Poe had been right, once again highlighting my selfish and distrustful nature, even to those who didn’t deserve it. He’d always been unconditionally honest with me, and I had given him lies in return. He was right to be offended, to feel slighted by my deceit, our whole encounter now coloured with my dishonesty.

The only comforting part of the holoprojector discussion, apart from knowing for sure Poe was still alive even if he hated me now, was that there was a plan being formed to rescue me. There was still a chance I might make it off this ship, escaping before Kylo Ren saw through my weakening façade. He had gotten closer than ever before in the preceding morning, and it couldn’t be long until he figured out another way to tug at my emotions hard enough to unravel me completely.

My only hope was that it wasn’t my attraction to him, the way he undeniably ignited the fire inside, that he continued to toy with in his endeavour to push past the veil over my mind.

*

When I slipped back through the doors of the _Prestige_ ward I was bombarded with questions from Risha and the other staff concerning the incidents of the night, most of them somewhat impressed with my boldness. While the others thought nothing of my return, assuming that for once justice had prevailed and I’d been seen to act in self-defence, Risha was obviously astonished I wasn’t still sitting in my cell. She followed me to the isolation room, where my intubated patient still lay in critical condition, but fortunately alive.

“How did you manage to convince them to let you out?” she questioned. “I thought I’d be visiting you in that cell.”

I read over the observations, the patient’s vitals seemingly stable during my absence.

_I would need to thank Irwin later_.

“I didn’t have to convince them of anything. My retaliation was considered appropriate by the Supreme Leader, so he allowed my release.”

Risha physically recoiled in disbelief. “There are like, 20 things wrong with what you just said.”

“It was a surprise to me too,” I agreed, continuing to perform my own assessment of the ill man in front of me.

“Alex, I don’t think you comprehend how unusual it is for the Supreme Leader to involve himself him matters like this.”

I looked to her confused expression. “I think we can both agree nothing about my situation is _usual_.”

“I mean, that’s true.” She folded her arms, still doubtful. “But for him to punish the Colonel instead of you. That’s just…bizarre. Snoke would never have been called to make a decision like that, let alone given any care for your wellbeing.”

I stopped, giving Risha’s answer more than a few seconds of thought. “Maybe he wants to be a different type of leader.”

She snorted. “We all know Snoke was the one who seduced him to the dark side, who turned him into what he is today. You think he would cast away his teachings, suddenly show compassion?”

“You’ve obviously given this a lot of thought,” I murmured.

“Well there’s not a lot else to talk about working on this ship. All we debated in the days after Snoke’s death, and then Kylo Ren’s appointment as Supreme Leader, was whether his rule would be the same or significantly worse. No one even had the slightest notion he would be… like this.”

I shrugged, walking back to the progress notes and typing my assessment out. “Maybe he thinks if I owe him one I’ll be less likely to cause anymore issues. Maybe he wants me to like it here so I won’t try and escape.”

Risha tugged at my arm, making me look at her. “Is that something you were considering?” she whispered.

I didn’t want to give any kind of verbal confirmation to that intention, knowing now the ears always listening into our conversations. I also refused to implicate this sweet person in any of my future plans, knowing it was safer to give an overly dismissive answer.

“Of course not. I wouldn’t even know how if I wanted to. I’ll just keep waiting it out. I’m sure they’ll grow bored with me eventually.”

Risha certainly wasn’t convinced, but she didn’t dictate that stance. “So how are you feeling? After… you know.”

“I’m alright,” I reassured, which was a blazing lie. “Better now knowing the Colonel won’t be back on this ward again.”

“Me too,” Risha breathed, showing me a small smile. Mild irritation sizzled knowing what it took to finally get someone to act on a predator like Colonel Wynver, still wishing his punishment would have been more severe. But I had to be appreciative that Risha, and the other women who worked here, could have some comfort due to his hopefully permanent absence from their life.

*

I farewelled Risha after making sure Irwin had given her an adequate handover of the nights new admits, noticing that even more beds were now filled with those who had contracted the heavily contagious illness. There was a part of me that worried about the situation I would return to at the start of my shift this evening, but I was too exhausted to fret about it for too long.

I made sure to pick up a meal from the mess hall before returning to my quarters, horrendously starving from a whole shift without a chance to eat. The shower I had after ravenously devouring my food was just soothing enough to put me in a better state of mind before settling under the bed sheets to sleep, even with the ache beating slowly in the background of my mind at how Poe and I had parted from our transmission.

My only hope was Rey could make him see sense in the way I had kept my power hidden, maybe make him understand how harsh the fear was that drove me to lie.

Sleep came effortlessly this time, only minutes passing with my eyes closed before I was pulled into slumber.

*

When I felt my eyes open again, it was obvious I was dreaming, standing on a deserted beach, the horizon a flat line against the evening sky, a lone sun close to sinking past the ocean.

It felt peaceful, a melting glow spreading through me, relishing the sunset scene. But soon I realised I’d never been to a place like this before. I’d never even stepped close to a beach in my short life.

It was then I sensed the presence that was with me, the strange energy hovering far behind my figure. I went to turn, to face the mystery aura, but I was chained to where I stood, my eyes still viewing the yellowed skyline, the faint sound of small waves lapping against the shore. The energy shifted, my focus trained on its movement as it edged closer, finally taking a position just beyond my right shoulder.

“ ** _You’ve been doing spectacularly well_** ,” a familiar voice mused from behind me.

I sighed. “I wondered when you were finally going to disturb me again. You’ve been unusually quiet.”

I felt a smile cross the figures lips, although I was unsure exactly what its face would appear as.

“ ** _You seem to be managing perfectly fine without my assistance. I didn’t feel the need to intrude_.**”

“As opposed to back on Raxus, when I couldn’t avoid your constant warnings?” I grumbled, recalling the many intrusions the voice had made concerning my growing attachment to Poe.

The energy moved again, my eyes darting to the space beside me, still unable to turn my head to that direction. I was only able to see the image of a hooded figure stepping into my periphery, its face almost completely hidden by darkened brown fabric. Yet I could just make out the shape of their lips. Human. And feminine, matching the tone I had heard in my mind for almost my whole life.

“ ** _You were making poor decisions,_** ” the hooded woman stated. “ ** _Decisions that would bring about damaging consequences_**.”

“Maybe if I knew the consequences you seem to be so concerned with, I would make the right choices.”

She laughed, a low breathy chuckle that was oddly musical. “ ** _That’s not how this works. I can’t interfere with your free will_**.”

“Can you at least tell me what ‘this’ is? Why you’re inside my head?” I questioned, already annoyed with the vagueness of this stranger’s answers.

I could see her purse her lips, a deliberate silence between us. “ ** _It’s not time yet. You’re not ready_**.”

An unwelcome shiver pulsed through me, irritation swelling once again. “I would ask what exactly I need to be ready for, but I can assume you won’t tell me that either.”

The woman smiled again, white teeth peeking through her lips on the edge of my vision. “ ** _I’m glad you’ve come to that understanding quickly_**.”

I exhaled hard, growing impatient with the interference of my much-needed sleep. “Is there a reason why you’re here now, deciding to show yourself for the first time?”

“ ** _I wanted to ensure you knew that you were playing your part well, in the hopes it would encourage you to stay on this path_**.”

I creased my eyebrows, contemplating how any of my actions in the last few weeks would have been appropriate on this journey I was apparently walking. “And I’m assuming you’ll let me know when I might divert from this destination you’ve got in mind?”

“ ** _Indeed_** ,” she nodded, her head lifting in time to watch the sun finally fade completely past the horizon, plunging both of us into darkness. “ ** _But I have faith you won’t require my help for the foreseeable future_**.”

I could only hope that was true, this woman’s voice always having been a horrible strain on my thoughts. But without knowing exactly what I was doing so well, I was unsure if I could keep her intrusions from appearing again.

I watched with the woman as stars began to glitter through the sky, reflecting on the stilled ocean, making an even bigger vision of night envelop the landscape. A delicate breeze of wind then brushed against my skin, and she was gone, her energy fading instantly, leaving me alone on the beach once again.

The soothing power of the twinkling scene soon made an overwhelming fatigue encircle my brain, and I was unable to prevent my eyelids from drooping closed.

*

It was obvious I’d been rustling in my sleep when I awoke again hours later, sheets twisted haphazardly over my limbs. I’d finally managed a full 8 hours, feeling the most rested I’d been in days. Although waking to an impossibly long list of questions I couldn’t get answers to didn’t exactly make me feel relaxed.

I laid on my back, wishing I could will the woman’s voice back into existence, only wanting to know why and how she housed her spirit inside my mind. The spoken warnings and guidance had always been there, pestering me with advice, sometimes threatening.

But I had always assumed it was a form of my own conscience, born from an unknown area of my brain that battled its morals against my decision making. Knowing now it was something more than that, that it was something or someone keeping their close watch over my actions, was oddly comforting.

_Maybe I hadn’t been alone all of these years._

*

My last overnight duty before returning to the day shift was chaotic to say the least. Almost all the beds of the _Prestige_ ward were now filled with viral patients, a large portion of the _Finalizer_ Command leaders now in my company.

A dark humour inside me would have mentioned to the Resistance yesterday that this sickness was probably more incapacitating than their assaults had ever been, but I honestly didn’t want to put the idea of biological warfare inside their heads.

While my intubated patient had already improved from my last visit, I was now dealing with three more who’s health was extremely critical. I had never been so appreciative for the medical droids who worked here, their ability to recognise deteriorations in vitals being much quicker than my own.

I’d been given a status report from the rest of the ship earlier in the night, which implied the other wards were in much the same position. Although, it was interesting to note the slowing occurrence between Stormtrooper personnel, their armour and helmets seeming to provide an amount of protection that the Command leaders didn’t utilise.

The Bio-med lab had assured they would have a cure and subsequent vaccine within the next couple of days, pressing us to keep as many patients alive in the meantime.

Which was easier said than done. Bacta didn’t help in eradicating the virus or it’s symptoms. Fortunately for my own health I had already been afflicted with a strain similar to this during an assignment to Lothal in my training days, the illness sweeping through most of our workers, spread by one of the wounded soldiers.

Luckily, none of us had been struck down too harshly, and it had left most of us somewhat immune. In knowing this however, I began to feel a looming dread for the medical staff of this ship who most likely had never been exposed before. It couldn’t be long before they themselves would need to be treated, and I prayed that wouldn’t leave me as the sole doctor still well enough to keep working in the time before a cure was found.

In the morning I handed over the night’s events to the day shift, giving strict instructions for the care of the now four intubated patients, offering to return if I was required to at any time. I’d been afforded a full day cycle before returning to normal working hours, a day off of sorts, but without knowing what I could actually do with my free time on this ship I was quite comfortable in being called back to ease the load on the _Prestige_ staff.

Yet that hadn’t occurred by the time I’d taken care of my daily routine, sleeping soundly through another 8 hours, this time without the interruption of a vivid dream.

It was early evening, which was only ever evident by looking at the chronometer in my quarters, and I’d found myself too anxious about how the ward was coping to focus on the literature I was attempting to read.

Which is what caused me to change into the mundane set of informal clothes that the First Order had allowed me, wanting to pay a visit to the ward to ease my worry.

A pair of black pants hemmed tight against the outline of my legs and a grey sweater which wrapped around my torso, leaving a bow at the back. I hadn’t pulled my hair up, assuming my visit wouldn’t actually require me to do any work. I wanted to appear as casual as possible, hopefully not implying they would be desperate for my help.

I was about to slip around the corner of the small lobby in front of my quarters, pondering over the fact I’d never seen anyone enter or exit the two other doors that were here, when I was disrupted by the sight of General Hux making his way down the corridor.

He was alone, without his usual entourage of Stormtroopers, but that still didn’t make me believe I wasn’t in trouble for something. My eyes narrowed, watching him suspiciously as he closed the space between us, noting the stressed expression he wore, his porcelain cheeks slightly red.

“What have I done this time?” I prodded as he stopped in front of me.

“I’m not in the mood for your juvenile mockery Miss Jago,” he snapped. “Come with me, I have a task you are required for.”

I folded my arms. “This is meant to be my day off.”

“You’ll find that I don’t particularly care,” Hux grumbled. It occurred to me how unwilling he seemed to be here, most likely a stern order behind his reason for being in my presence. “You don’t have a choice in this matter. Now follow me.”

“Could you at least tell me what you’re hauling me away to do?”

He didn’t stop his exit. “You’ll find out soon enough. I’m not going to ask you again. _Follow me_.”

It was curiosity that made me obey his demand, beginning to step behind the irritating man as he led me to an unspecified objective. But when we started veering towards a familiar turbo-lift, and once he’d pressed the floor I’d memorised from the previous day, my whole body pulsed with anger.

“You’ve got to be _kidding_ me,” I seethed, looking to Hux with a burning contempt.

“It was an order,” he replied sharply.

“It always is,” I fumed, leaning into the durasteel wall of the turbo-lift.

_What did he want with me now?_

Hux stormed ahead of me quickly when the doors opened, my shorter strides barely able to keep up with him as we walked through the darkened hallway. With a simple wave of his hand on the security panel the blast doors opened to the room I had previously been forced into, the huge open view of endless space still taking my breath away.

Hux didn’t stop in the lounge area, instead swerving to the door at the far left, pressing a code quickly into the lock, waiting for me to enter first once it opened. I looked at Hux quizzically before moving past him, taking a moment to register the scene I’d been made privy to.

My eyes scanned over Kylo Ren’s figure, now hunched into a ball underneath the sheets of his bed, a sheen of sweat noticeable on his forehead even from the doorway. He was asleep, but it didn’t seem even close to restful, his breaths loud and heaving.

“The Supreme Leader appears to be afflicted with the virus,” Hux stated in a hushed tone, still emotionless as ever. “He requires the care of a doctor until his health returns to normal. I think you can understand the confidential nature of the task I’m giving to you.”

I nodded slowly, still stunned at what I’d walked into. “But why me? Surely there are other doctors who could do this. Ones who aren’t his _hostage_.”

“That is most definitely true,” Hux agreed. “But he asked for you.”


	14. Care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I wrote this chapter in TWO DAYS. That's how excited I was to write it. Like writing over 5000 words in a weekend is INTENSE. But I'm feeling this story, and I hope whoever is reading this is vibing with it too. Don't be afraid to leave a comment with any questions, or even predictions about how the story is gonna go. Enjoy this Kylo filled chapter!

I edged further into Kylo Ren’s bedroom, a place I wouldn’t have imagined myself ever being allowed to view, let alone under these circumstances, eyeing the continuing theme of red and black shades that coloured most of the space.

There was little else to see other than a few sets of draws and the bed itself, all just as cold and minimalistic as the rest of the quarters.

When I looked back to General Hux he was still standing on the edge of the door frame, seeming somewhat impatient.

“What exactly do you expect me to do for him?” I asked, keeping my voice low.

“Just keep him alive,” Hux replied flatly, glaring at me like the answer should have been obvious.

I desperately wanted to roll my eyes. “Yeah, I get that, but I’m sure a medical droid could keep an eye on his condition.”

“You’ve seen for yourself how severely this virus has incapacitated some of our Command leaders.”

“Well sure, but he’s hardly the type of person I’d deem at risk for those level of symptoms,” I pointed out. “He’s young, fit, assumingly healthy. I mean, I’m genuinely shocked that he’s contracted this illness at all.”

Hux creased his eyebrows at me, curious. “What makes you say that?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I assumed he could prevent stuff like this from happening. With you know… _his powers_. I mean, he’s _Kylo Ren_ , one of the most proficient Force users there has ever been. To think he can still become unwell like any other being is… surreal.”

The General became more puzzled then, moving closer the where I stood. “But he’s still a human, made up of all the same things as you and I. If we can become ill, so can he.” He paused for a beat, thinking more about my words. “Why do you seem to think his use of the Force would matter in this sense?”

_Kriff. **Think** before you speak Alex. _

“Do I look like someone who knows how it works? I’m a doctor from an Outer Rim planet. All of that stuff is completely out of my scope,” I countered. Self-deprecation always worked better on Hux.

The expression he returned seemed to implicate his agreeance to my apparent lack of intelligence.

_Oh if only you knew._

“In any case, we are currently in the situation where he is indeed unwell. You’ll find a store of medical supplies in the closet to your right. Anything else you may require can be requested through the comm-link in the lounge.”

With my nod of understanding he quickly turned to leave, before halting suddenly, head swivelling to face me.

“Don’t try anything funny,” he threatened, his voice sour with danger. “If he doesn’t survive through this… Neither will you.”

I swallowed hard, for the first time actually disturbed by Hux’s menacing tone. With that final word of warning he was gone, stomping out of the quarters, his energy sizzling with its usual bitterness.

As I stood in the dimmed light of Kylo’s bedroom, now alone with his scrunched figure in the bed before me, I looked around in disbelief, wondering how I’d found myself in this predicament.

I didn’t even know where to start, how to go about treating a man who had almost _murdered_ me multiple times, a man whose obsession with power had kept me here as a working slave.

A part of me didn’t want to help him back to full health, to intervene while he suffered under the hold of the virus.

Yet as I stepped slowly forward to his form, his large body taking up a great deal of the mattress space, I noticed his fevered shiver, heard his shallow, shaky breaths, and I was once again taken over by the persistent need to soothe those in pain, who needed the comfort of medical attention.

I’d been telling him I would always treat anyone who’s in need of my care, and right now, I just couldn’t bring myself to be seen as a liar in anyone else’s eyes.

I decided to take a look at the medical supplies Hux had mentioned before attempting to wake Kylo from his slumber. Preparation would be vital for my initial assessment, wishing to keep him awake for as little time as possible. Not only for the fact he needed as much rest as he could, but because the less I would have to interact with him the better.

Inside the cupboard there was an impressive range of equipment and medicinal stock, obviously having only recently been placed here. Everything appeared new and completely untouched.

I would have done some unspeakable things to have this kind of hoard on Raxus, some of the singular medication vials being more expensive than my whole pharmacy stockpile. Frustration flared at the waste of having these valuable resources put here for one person, when I could have made use of only a quarter to benefit tens, if not hundreds of people. Most of the things here would be redundant for Kylo’s illness anyway. Complete overkill.

In my arms, I gathered all I thought I would need for the night ahead, mostly monitoring equipment and medication to help with the high fever, harsh coughing and limb pain brought about by the sickness the virus instigated.

I was unsure if Kylo would ever allow me to stick him with anything sharp, but I still prepared a cannula kit just in case dehydration appeared as another problem. And in my own form of overkill, I assembled everything I might need in the highly unlikely scenario he would require intubation, Hux’s threat still ringing in my mind to keep the Supreme Leader alive at all costs.

Luckily for him there was even a ventilator at my disposal in the cupboard. Whoever had arranged this had really wanted to prepare for _anything_.

With everything set up, and Kylo still barely stirring even with all of my movement around him, it was time for the inevitable task of waking him up.

I stood at the side of the bed for many minutes, my arm stretching out only to recoil again seconds later. I didn’t know why I was so nervous. Rousing patients had never been my favourite thing, but the thought of shaking Kylo Ren out of his unsettled sleep made me horrendously anxious. The only thing that pushed me past that fear was knowing he’d asked for me. He was expecting to see my face when summoned back into consciousness.

With a trembling hand I reached towards his shoulder, still covered by blankets, my fingertips eventually connecting to the smooth fabric. My fingers then splayed out to grab the muscles hidden underneath, trying to shake him as gently as possible.

Suddenly I was shoved back into the wall, my back hitting the dark durasteel hard enough to make a small yelp escape my lips. I’d scrunched my eyes closed during the movement, my teeth snapping shut in reaction to the pain now pulsing from my skull and spine.

When I flickered my lids open again, I saw Kylo sitting up in the bed, his arm extended in my direction, palm open to me. I watched as the realisation hit him, his expression turning from one of retaliation into shock. There were strands of black hair stuck to his face, a gleam of sweat evident over his face and neck, cheeks flushed with red.

“ _Ow_ ,” I grumbled, rubbing the back of my head where it had slammed against the metal.

Kylo lowered his hand slowly, breaths still short and sharp. “Sorry,” he croaked, voice worryingly hoarse. “You startled me.”

“Obviously.”

With the pain fading I stepped closer, my eyes scanning further over his form. His torso was covered in a black long-sleeved night shirt, the sleeves of which he’d pushed up to expose his forearms in an effort to provide some surface area for heat to dissipate. “I just wanted to take some vitals.”

He forcefully relaxed into the head of the bed, still in a sitting position. “Alright then,” he agreed, his darkened brown eyes now avoiding me.

I was caught in a wave of disbelief at his easy acceptance of my request, the words Hux had said now confirmed not to be a lie.

Kylo really had been expecting me.

“Right. So,” I stumbled, moving to organise the lines of monitoring equipment. “I’ll need to place these on a couple of points of your body.” My heart suddenly quickened at the unwelcome thought of his skin connected to mine again.

Kylo glared at me. “I’ll do it. Just instruct me where.”

_Should have guessed that was coming_.

“Uh, okay then. But you know I can’t do my job right if you won’t let me assess you properly. And that does include... physical contact,” I urged, handing over the conducer dots.

The discomfort on his face was obvious, his face tensing. “Just do what you can without it.”

I sighed under my breath. “The sooner you stop obstructing me the easier this will be.”

“Easier for you maybe,” he muttered lowly, evident he wasn’t speaking directly to me. He then waved the dots at me, reminding me to dictate where they needed to go.

“One each on your wrist, neck and temple, then three on your chest.” I motioned to the points, pointing to the separated positions of the torso dots slowly. He watched me, quickly placing the three extremity dots before stopping.

“Turn around,” he ordered, a long breath before his next word. “Please.”

I cocked my head, slightly exasperated. “Seriously? I mean for one, I’m your _doctor_ now. You don’t need to feel shy about showing your body. You know, the thing I’m here to treat? And two…” My voice faltered, a memory of his muscled chest popping into my brain uninvited. “I’ve already seen it.”

“Without permission,” he uttered, his left eye twitching. “In any case, I’m perfectly within my rights to ask for some privacy from my doctor.”

I huffed, conceding, and turned around to face the wall.

_This was going to be a long night._

I listened to the rustling of fabric behind me, picturing his hand pulling up the dark shirt, exposing the pale skin of his chest. It was somewhat of a relief I was facing away from his stare in this moment, unable to stop from biting my lip at the envisioned image of his chiselled torso.

“When you’re ready, you’ll need to attach the lines to the conducers,” I explained, assuming he wouldn’t let me do that either. “They’re colour coded and numbered. Start at the temple and move down.”

He followed my instruction, hearing the familiar click of the metal clamping onto the dots several times.

“Does it matter which order the torso leads go?” he asked, a question I was expecting.

“Yes. I could do it for you-”

“No,” he growled. “Just tell me.”

“Number three goes on your right pectoral, number four on the left,” I snapped, his sharp tone flaring my irritation.

After three more clicks, and the sound of material moving over skin, he spoke again, his voice slightly lighter. “Ready.”

I turned, stubbornly refusing to meet his eyes, focusing solely on connecting the lines to the monitor, setting appropriate parameters and silently waiting for the results to show on the projector screen.

While his readings weren’t nearly close to critical, it was clear he was unwell. His heart was beating at an alarming rate. Oxygen levels only just sitting over the optimum level. Blood pressure worryingly elevated considering his young age. And as evident by his quick heaving breaths, his respiration rate was worryingly rapid.

In my periphery, I saw Kylo watching me expectantly as I noted the results in the provided data pad.

“Tell me how it feels to breathe,” I asked succinctly. “Be as detailed as you can.”

He took a few defined inhale and exhales. “It’s… more difficult than I’m used to. My lungs feel… heavy, like there’s less space inside my chest.”

I nodded, typing out his answer. “Is there any pain during inhalation?”

“No,” he replied. “Its more that I feel unable catch my breath.”

“What about pain elsewhere?”

He looked towards his limbs, moving them gently as if to test the reaction. “There’s a small ache, focused more throughout my extremities.”

I hummed in understanding. This was all pretty textbook viral symptoms. Placing the data pad down the bedside table, I grabbed the thermometer, glancing to his eyes again. “I assume you won’t let me do this either right?”

He looked back with predicted irritation. “You can stop with the attitude,” he scowled.

“I’ll do that when you stop scolding me for trying to do my job.”

Kylo glared at me, yet behind his eyes there was obviously a thoughtful moment, his stare moving away as he attempted to relax back into the bed.

“ _Fine_ ,” he stated sharply. “Just do it.”

Even though slightly taken aback by his sudden lack of resistance, my feet quickly stepped to his side, seizing this opportunity while it was within my reach.

I lifted my hand to the side of his face, pushing through the apprehension that pulled at me, knowing this was the first time I was ever going to touch of him of my own accord.

_Why is that such a big deal?_

When my fingers connected to his hair, wanting to tuck it behind his ear to expose the place I needed to utilise, I noticed the subtle tensing of his muscles, his jaw locking tight, the strain obvious in his profile. The beep of his heart rate began to build, but I chose to ignore the sound, shifting to push the strands of hair away. Placing the tip of the thermometer in his ear canal, I pressed the ‘assess’ button, a result appearing within a few seconds.

Immediately my feet stepped backwards under me, giving him the space he clearly wanted, reading the numbers that indicated his fever was getting dangerously high.

“I’m done for now,” I clarified, putting the thermometer aside for later.

Kylo exhaled hard, head turning to face me again, a large hand shaking out the portion of hair I’d slid behind his ear. “And the verdict?”

I picked up the data pad to input the temperature result, something I would need to track regularly from now on. Hopefully the process of obtaining it wouldn’t be this uncomfortable again.

“Not exactly good,” I replied frankly. “While it’s clear you’ve manifested the illness the virus causes, it’s difficult to tell where exactly in the virus cycle you are without any previous vital tracking. So, it could get better from here, but it also could get worse.”

He nodded with my answer, deliberating the assessment.

“When did you start feeling symptoms?” I questioned.

“I woke feeling unwell this morning, and it appeared to incapacitate me further as the day wore on.”

My expression turned to concern. “I would prepare to feel a lot worse over the coming hours then. Other viral patients seemed to hit their peak symptom burden within 24 hours, unless they unfortunately fell into respiratory distress. Then consequences of the viral damage seem to last significantly longer.”

Kylo studied me, somewhat fascinated. “You seem to have a suitable grasp on the details of this sickness.”

“I have actually been doing the job you’re forcing me to do,” I muttered sarcastically. Kylo only huffed back at me. “But this is also not my first time dealing with a contagious disease.”

“Ah yes. I remember reading of your appointments on the New Republic’s many medical camps and hospital ships.”

I almost dropped the data pad. “You what?”

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Did you assume we wouldn’t perform any background checks on you? To confirm your qualifications?”

“I… uh….” I stammered, only now realising it wasn’t such a wild concept that the First Order would have been able to scrounge up the details of my past. “I guess I didn’t think about it.”

“It is curious to me though,” he started, looking up at my nervous expression, “That you seemed to disappear off of their staff data banks so suddenly, just over 4 years ago.”

It was difficult to stop the beginnings of dread sparking inside my chest. “I decided it wasn’t for me anymore. Being involved in war relief efforts. It was too… emotionally demanding.” I went back to typing on the data pad, hoping he wouldn’t notice the shift in my mood.

“I can assume the years spent performing that kind of work is what made you so critical of war.” Kylo’s face appeared stern, yet still inquisitive.

“I thought I already mentioned my refusal of discussing war with you,” I muttered.

“A good leader wants to hear from both sides, to know the arguments against his point of view.”

I snorted, making a dark scowl appear. “The First Order hasn’t exactly got a reputation of caring for anyone else’s wants, needs or opinions, particularly when it comes to war.”

His eyes turned serious, purposeful, before flickering away. “That was before,” he murmured.

I waited for him to keep speaking, appearing as if he had thoughts moving through his mind, staring out into the space of the room. There was an unusually tense silence that hung over us, both having parts of this conversation we didn’t wish to discuss further.

I jumped on the opportunity to change the subject, with the important matter of his health still an immense priority.

“I’ve got a couple of options for your treatment, if you’d like to hear them.”

He nodded slowly, watching me set down the data pad and walk around the end of the bed so I could face him.

“For symptom management there’s three medications I want to prescribe for now. A mild pain reliever, a bronchodilator, and an anti-pyretic which works to control your fever. All of these can be administered orally,” I explained. “Would you be alright with that?”

Kylo nodded again, seeming responsive.

_Probably wouldn’t last for long_.

“Now personally, I would like to put you on some intravenous hydration, which means placing a cannula. Having that there also gives me the option to use a larger range of medication if your condition deteriorates.” I looked at him expectantly, waiting for his reaction.

It wasn’t exactly positive. “Is it absolutely necessary at this stage?”

“Technically no. But the longer you refuse, the riskier it might get if your condition worsens.”

“Can we discuss that option again if my health does indeed decline?” He was looking at me earnestly, and it began to truly dawn on me how averse he was to physical contact. I wanted to ask why, to delve into the reason why my touch seemed so uncomfortable to him.

I could only think of the times he’d made his own attempts to connect his skin to mine, the most recent one significantly more puzzling than the other. He hadn’t appeared hesitant at all when tracing his own fingers over my face, my neck, my body, seeming almost _eager_ to move his touch lower.

“Alex?” he prompted, shaking me out of the deviation in my thoughts.

“Um, yeah. Sure. That sounds like an adequate plan. For now.” The questions I longed to ask were still there, but it didn’t seem exactly the right time to ask them. “So given your last answer I’m inclined to think that you won’t be allowing me to give you any oxygen supplementation.”

Kylo’s head dipped in agreement. “Is there a level you would consider setting as a limit?” he offered.

I moved to the monitor screen, which had been beeping away throughout our conversation, and turned it so he could see. “You can see your oxygen levels are hovering at 94%, which is pretty poor already. Dipping any lower than 90% is extremely damaging to the rest of your body, so if it gets past there I’m probably going to be forcing a breath mask on you.”

“That’s fair,” he approved. “Is there anything else?”

I deliberated for a moment, making a checklist of his concerns, not having anything further come to mind. “I think that’s about as much as I can advise, for the time being.”

“Thank the _maker_ ,” he whispered, his tense position finally easing.

I moved to pick out the doses of medications I had previously mentioned, each of having been already pulled from the supply cupboard. I could feel Kylo’s eyes on me as I placed the tablets into a small pill cup, noticing for the first time since my entrance into his room a flash of his energy buzzing into the atmosphere around us both.

The smoke wasn’t there, assuming he was simply too fatigued to be bothered with rattling against my shield right now. The weight of this new aura was tangible, dense, filled with a liveliness I hadn’t witnessed with him before.

Although when I turned to hand over his prescription, it immediately snapped from my senses, like it had never even been there.

Handing the glass of water at his bedside to him, I watched as he swallowed the pills.

“Alright then. I’ll let you continue trying to rest.” I picked up the data pad again and programmed it to have the live vitals transmitted from the monitoring system, alerts set for any severe deviations of his condition. “I’ll be just outside if you require anything. Otherwise, I’ll see you in a few hours for another assessment.”

Kylo attempted to express appreciation in his features, the result being his lips barely moving upwards. His eyes were more revealing, a softness to them I didn’t think I’d seen before.

I paced quickly out of the room, his gentle expression actually making me feel a little uneasy, only because of the way it made my chest swell with a subtle exhilaration.

The door slid shut quickly behind me, noticing the code-lock was now disabled, and walked out into the space of Kylo’s quarters. I sat down at one of the dark grey lounges, only now succumbing to the genuine shock I was here, right now, doing this.

The professional manner I’d exuded when in his bedroom was now gone, replaced with a surging disbelief at how this day seemed to be concluding.

Why had he asked for me? That question was plaguing me most of all, since our last encounter didn’t exactly imply he was all that confident in my abilities to care for patients of the First Order.

Was this another bizarre form of punishment? Another way to toy with my psyche? I didn’t know. I would probably _never_ know what was really happening inside his head.

As I sat in quiet contemplation, I didn’t really know what to do with myself, this bland living space not exactly providing much in the way of opportunities for passing time. My only inclination to any type of diversion was the rumble in my stomach, looking to the chronometer on the data pad and noticing it was around dinner time.

I assumed Kylo wouldn’t mind me fixing myself a meal, considering I was going to be stuck here until he recovered.

Sure, I could just call for whatever food I wanted to be sent here, but the thought that I could fill some time with cooking was the only option I felt like I had.

The conservator was filled with a huge variety of food items, a great deal I didn’t even recognise. My hands pulled out some of the non-threatening looking vegetables and leafy greens, hoping to form some kind of salad, then eyeing what I guessed was Bantha steak on one of the shelves. The idea of real meat was tantalising, not having been given any since I’d been captured, immediately deciding to use it for my meal.

It took an annoyingly long amount of time to orientate myself to this kitchen, and it was evident early into this endeavour that it had never been used. Fortunately, I was able to gather most of the equipment I needed, even able to find some spices to enhance the flavour of the Bantha.

Eventually I was at the nanowave stove, the meat searing wonderfully on the heated pan, the smell of roasted potatoes spilling from the gasser, when the data pad I’d left on the kitchen counter began to alarm. Rushing to it, I saw the wavelengths had suddenly become flat. I began to rush towards Kylo’s bedroom, assuming the worst, when the door opened, his towering figure almost hitting the top of the entryway, face set with bewilderment.

“What _are_ you doing?” he asked, then moving his nose up to sniff the scent of the Bantha meat still sizzling away.

His sudden unaffected presence had caught me off-guard, having to catch my breath before answering. “You scared the heck out of me,” I wheezed. “What are you doing out of bed?”

Kylo looked to the now brightly illuminated kitchen behind me. “I heard you making a commotion out here. Slightly difficult to sleep though that.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled. “I was hungry.”

He continued to peer at me quizzically. “You know you can just have whatever you want sent here?”

Knowing he wasn’t dying made me relax enough to return to my meal-prepping, shuffling back quickly in the hopes I hadn’t burnt the meat. “I was also bored,” I called from the kitchen.

Kylo’s expression seemed to reflect an acceptance of my answer. He stepped forward from the doorway, studying the scene of my attempt at cookery, the conducer dots still attached to his skin. He stopped when he’d reached the counter dividing the kitchen from the rest of the living space, examining the salad I’d already prepared inquisitively.

I could only assume it was the manners my parents instilled into me as young child that made me ask him, “Would you like me to prepare you a meal?”

His head shot to me, further perplexed. I avoided the intensity of his gaze, looking back to the pieces of Bantha meat with forced interest, moving them pointlessly around in the pan, wishing I hadn’t let the words slip from my mouth.

Only the constant crackle of grilling meat filled the air, my question still unanswered after more than a few seconds of time.

“I guess I should probably eat something,” he murmured, making me almost lose grip of the spatula in my hand.

“Sure. No problem,” I replied with false confidence, hoping he didn’t notice the widening of my eyes in surprise.

He was continually silent as I began to finalise my, well… now _our_ , dinner preparations, bringing another plate onto the counter and dividing the portions evenly. I pushed a serving towards him, along with a set of cutlery, looking up to his face with a softened smile.

Without words, I moved to the dining table that sat next the transparisteel wall, the six seats positioned around it I’d already deduced had never been sat in before. I situated myself at the end that faced the endless twinkling space, quite content to stare into that somewhat comforting abyss as I ate my meal. Kylo preceded to follow my lead, taking the opposing chair, both the furthest away yet directly facing me.

The nervous energy in the air was thick, both of us distinctly aware of the peculiar nature of this scene, a long minute passing by before we directed our attention to the meal in front of us.

The silence was relentless while we both picked delicately at our food, my only comfort being in the taste of what I’d made, thankfully turning out better than I predicted. Kylo didn’t exactly indicate his opinion on my cooking, but he didn’t seem disgusted by it. I claimed that as a small victory.

There was no conversation made while we ate, struggling to think of any kind of suitable conversation starter. From my few awkward glances at Kylo, he appeared to be having the same kind of apprehension.

Minutes passed, soon leading us each to the end of our dinner. I was locked in a dazed quiet when he stood with his plate and continued to make his way to where I sat, scooping up my own and taking it with him to the kitchen. My eyes grew wider as I watched him nonchalantly place the dishes into the auto-washer, continuing to collect the used bowls and utensils and settling them into the same location.

“You don’t have to do that,” I assured him, rising from my chair. “I made the mess. Go and get some rest.”

He waved me off, turning the water faucet in the sink and laying the pan under the stream. “You made the meal. It’s only fair.”

“You’re not well Kylo,” I reasoned softly. “You don’t need to worry about being _well-mannered_ right now.”

His eyes immediately darted to mine, snatching his hand away from the bubbling water. It occurred to me then, that I’d never spoken his name in his presence before.

He coughed harshly, the sound sending a shiver of concern over my skin, and preceded to exit the kitchen area. “I’ll leave it to you then.”

Moving swiftly through the living space, Kylo refused to look back as he paced back into his bedroom, the door slipping shut behind him. I would have used the moment to take check of the situation that just unfolded in front of me, but the water in the sink was getting dangerously close to spilling over. I rushed to turn the flow off, focusing hard on the act of cleaning up to prevent myself from chewing through the bizarreness that was this evening.

*

It was hours later, with mindless studying of research articles and First Order authorised news the only thing helping me keep me occupied. Kylo had thankfully replaced his monitor lines on the return to his room, and his vitals had remained similar to when I’d first assessed him.

Although, his oxygen levels still concerned me greatly. They’d now fallen to 92%, and it was only the agreement that we’d made earlier that kept me from storming in and forcing an oxygen filled breath mask on his face. I hoped to wait another hour before disturbing him for another physical assessment, thinking sleep was significantly more beneficial than me prodding at him.

It was when the haze of sleep began to pull at me just past midnight that the data pad alarm began to sound. Scrambling to the small screen I saw his heartbeat was elevated to a dangerously increased pace, respirations now critically quickened, oxygenation levels falling below 90% right in front of my eyes.

I picked myself up from the sofa and ran to the bedroom, the door opening immediately at the wave of my hand over the code-lock. The room was swathed in a blanket of darkness, Kylo obviously having turned off the lights to aid in his sleep.

Rushing to what I could see of his bedside, my fingers fumbled around, searching for the switch to softly illuminate the room.

When my eyes glanced to Kylo’s figure he was shivering in his slumber, exhales escaping from his lips with a whimper, bed sheets completely ripped away, clothes noticeably damp with sweat.

Hands lunged for the thermometer, caring little if I woke him, unconcerned with his aversion to being touched. He barely roused as I shoved the tip into his ear, the results soon indicating he was suffering from a severe high-grade fever.

I needed to cool him down, quickly.

With both palms placed on his chest, I shook him harshly.

“Kylo!” I shouted. “Wake up! I need to get you to the ‘fresher!”

His eyes didn’t open, head rolling lifelessly toward me.

**_Do something. Now._ **


	15. Heat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So a little tidbit that my incredible reviewer/contributor [Poetato](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poetato/pseuds/Poetato) brought to my attention, I haven't really provided a real visualisation of what Alexys might look like. So if you're curious to know what our main character might appear as in my eyes, follow the link below.
> 
> [Alexys](https://imgur.com/a/kyPjFiQ)
> 
> But also feel free to keep your own imagining of her appearance. There's no judgement here :)
> 
> Also, with all the hardcore throwing around of medical terms, I would totally understand if some don't make sense, or there's one you haven't heard before. Combining real world medicine with Star Wars lore is kinda hard for me too! Please highlight any issues to me so I can link helpful explanations at the end of chapters <3

It was glaringly obvious Kylo had fallen into hyperpyrexia, his severely increased body temperature now rendering him comatose.

None of my usual checks for responsiveness yielded any positive results, not even a slight whimper when I rubbed my knuckles into his sternum. I was already cursing at myself I hadn’t pushed harder to get that cannula placed, his blood pressure now falling into dangerous territory with all the fluid that had seeped from his burning skin.

But that was still a secondary priority. Right now, I needed to cool him down before the fever damaged his organs.

Putting him under a cold stream of water was the most efficient option, but I had yet to figure out where his refresher even was. I eyed a door that sat in the corner of the room, leaving the bedside to check if my hunch was right. Opening it, I was relieved to find my assumption was correct, the glimmeringly clean ‘fresher somewhat different to the ones I was used to, the dark tiles creating a bizarrely ominous atmosphere.

Rushing back to Kylo’s shivering body, I immediately ripped off the monitor lines, hesitating while I tried to formulate a plan of how I was going to move him. I didn’t know how I kept finding myself having to haul heavy, masculine bodies around to save their lives, but there wasn’t much time to dwell on that thought.

Kylo remained unmoving as I lugged his torso upright, the weight of half his body already difficult to handle on my own. It concerned me greatly that during this struggle he still didn’t rouse, and a cold fear began to stir deep down, that I was already too late. 

_No. There’s no way. He couldn’t die this way._

_**He won’t. As long as you’re fast.** _

The voice steadied my fear, a strong resolve pulsing through me.

I had my arms wrung under his armpits, having already pulled the top half of his form around to make his back face me. With my hands clamped together in front of his chest, I heaved hard to drag him off the side of the mattress, my muscles aching under the stress of his hefty figure. I was able to guide his body to the ground, still hearing his quickened breaths escaping past his lips, and began to drag him around the frame of the bed, my strained movement agonisingly slow.

There was a unmistakable warmth radiating off his skin, his shirt moist with sweat, and I couldn’t help but wonder how long he had been like this. I worried he had actively refused to alert me when the heat overwhelm him, that he remained in denial about his deteriorating condition until his brain was forced into unconsciousness.

I thought I’d made it clear he should communicate any worsening symptoms. That I was only a room away if he needed something.

Eventually I tugged Kylo past the entry of the ‘fresher and pulled him haphazardly over the recess of the shower, hoping I didn’t bruise him on the way. Annoyingly, his shower was four walled with glass, making the small space difficult to manoeuvre around without bumping into each side multiple times as I finally managed to hoist his whole body inside. Stepping over where I’d placed his limp body, I pressed the start button, ice cold water pounding into me first as I moved past its potently harsh stream, making me suck in a rough breath.

The water began to rain down over Kylo’s form, quickly soaking every portion, his black hair saturated against his scalp. Worry gripped me further when even _this_ didn’t elicit any form of response, sure that the frosty temperature would shock him into awareness again.

In pure desperation, I knelt down with him on the shower floor and began to peel the water sodden fabric of his shirt up his chest, having to pull his toned arms up to strip the sleeves from the skin, throwing the soaked material behind me.

I already knew he would be _severely_ displeased with my course of action, but there was simply no other alternative. The more surface area exposed to the cooling effect of the shower, the quicker I might bring his temperature down.

It was different this time, seeing his exposed chest, only noting how vulnerable he seemed, shallow breaths still so short and sharp, his face flushed with a deep crimson.

Kneeling with him on the floor, also being drenched by the chilled stream, I placed one hand to his wrist, feeling for a pulse. Still exceedingly rapid, but regular. My other hand moved to push back the strands of hair that had shifted over his eyes by the shower’s flow, noticing a flicker of movement behind the lids.

“Kylo! Open your eyes!” I pleaded, a part of me feeling out for his energy signature. It was there, I could still feel his life force emanating from the unresponsive body in front of me. But the energy pulse was subtle, dimmed so much more than I was used to, usually sensing it easily even if we were separated by walls.

With a hand still resting at the side of his face, water pouring down over both of us, I grazed my thumb over the skin of his cheek, silently waiting, hoping that I’d acted in time to drag him back to this reality.

In these surreal moments, with his mask removed, threatening eyes shut away, simmering fury suppressed, he seemed so much more… human. Just another being clinging onto life. And all I could do was wait, my logic telling me the easing of his fever would make him return to awareness again.

I couldn’t pull my touch away, a soothing glow arising from the points where my fingerprints brushed his skin, a sensation I hadn’t felt before, one that I couldn’t recognise.

Yet in the next instant, I felt all of his energy surge outwards in a flash of panic, darkened eyes flaring open.

My body was immediately shoved away, flung out of the shower into the tiled wall of the ‘fresher. The side of my head slammed directly into the tile, an explosion of pain quickly igniting from my right temple.

I couldn’t be surprised that he’d pushed me away this time, the scene he’d woken up to significantly more startling than simply rousing him from sleep.

Quickly collecting myself through the headache now throbbing inside my skull, I placed my hands up in submission, watching his face dart around, frenzied eyes trying to comprehend how he’d arrived in this location.

“Your fever grew so high it caused you to lose consciousness. I was trying to cool you down,” I described slowly, attempting to convey in my expression the seriousness of his condition. “ _Please_ just take a second to breathe. I’m here to help you through this.”

Kylo remained suspicious, yet fortunately did as I asked, and breathed. I could see plainly how hard it was for him to inhale properly, noting the heave of effort visible in the accessory muscles around his ribs and neck.

He went to shift his arms, placing them at each side of his legs, and tried to force himself up. But he was unable, the pushing motion creating no lift, a strained expression now settling on his face.

“I feel… so… weak…” he puffed, looking to me for an explanation.

I tentatively crawled towards him, palms still up, kneeling just out of the shower recess, the spray of water still splashing over his form.

“It’s the fever. Your body’s working too hard to fight the virus, that it can’t provide the energy it needs to give strength to your limbs right now. But I don’t want you to worry about that. Just keep breathing and let the water do its work to bring down your temperature.” My eyes grew softer, wanting to exude some sense of composure and calm. “Please let me do what I need to do to help. I’ve got a plan, and I’ll explain everything as we go.”

He stared back at me, searching over my face, and I thought for a moment I could see the trace of fear dash over his features. But it was fleeting, and so foreign for him that I wasn’t sure I saw it at all. As a few seconds passed he simply nodded, head then leaning back into the tile in exhaustion.

“I’m going to get a few things ready. But I will be right back,” I promised. Knowing he was awake, breathing and seemingly orientated was enough reassurance for me to leave him for the few minutes it would take to get a proper treatment strategy underway.

There was a haze of wooziness that overcame me when standing up, obviously from the knock on the head I’d just endured. It was hard not to stumble slightly as I went to exit the ‘fresher.

Before leaving, my eyes spotted my face in the mirror and noticed the dark red drip of blood leaking from a decent sized cut on my forehead, a by-product of crashing into the hard, black tiles. 

_Dammit. That would need bacta._

But it could be dealt with later, the flow of oozing blood already slow enough not to be concerned about.

I strode swiftly to the medical supply cupboard and pulled a stronger anti pyretic and hypertensive from the pharmacy section, along with several bags of IV hydration and towels. Setting the vials to where I had my cannula kit set up, my feet took me out of the bedroom and into the kitchen.

Opening the conservator to the freezing chamber, I stuffed the fluid bags and thick fabric inside. The chill released from the compartment was quick to make me shiver, my soaked sweater increasing the feel of cold against my skin. After closing the conservator door, I quickly pulled at the bow on my back and unravelled the fabric, leaving me only in a white singlet undershirt.

I would have worried about looking unprofessional or even a little too exposed, but I wasn’t about to cause my own hypothermia.

On the way back, I attempted to run a set of fingers through my hair, the strands having been tangled into a sodden mess from the shower’s stream. I had already forgotten about the painful gash on my head, a hiss bursting past my lips when I’d wandered too close to the wound.

I popped back into the supply closet and snatched the bacta infused anaesthetic salve I’d eyed earlier in the night, smearing some blindly over the laceration, only to alleviate some of the discomfort while I dealt with Kylo’s health first.

He was in much the same condition as when I’d left, slumped awkwardly against the corner of the shower, his lids scrunched hard, still gasping through each breath. I moved to turn the flow off, his eyes opening as I dipped down to his level again.

“All I want you to do right now is focus whatever energy you have on slowing your breathing, okay?” I directed. “Breathe along with me.” I glared at him as I began a long inhale, my hands motioning upwards with the movement of my chest, and held the breath.

He followed my instruction, although it was clear the action wasn’t as easy for him, a subtle strain burning behind his dark irises. After a few seconds I let the hold on my lungs go, making it obvious to Kylo to take the extra moments to allow for an adequate exhale.

After repeating the process several times, his attempts became marginally better.

“Focus on keeping that rhythm,” I insisted softly. “Now, I’m going to get you back into bed, and place that cannula we talked about, alright? And it’s also time for that breath mask to get your oxygen levels back up.”

I waited for the refusal, to view the same disgruntled expression I’d seen hours ago in response to my suggestions, yet he simply nodded, the movement causing a few droplets of water to drip from his soaked hair, the beads wriggling down his chest.

“Is it alright if I help you to stand?” I asked gently as I shifted into an upright position, reaching a hand out with my offer. Again, I presumed he would wave off my assistance, so it was difficult not to be startled when he lifted his arm to grasp a large hand into mine, holding it tightly as he began to pull himself up, pushing his back against the tiled wall to steady his shaky movements.

Even when he was standing and I began to lead him out of the shower space, he didn’t let go. Gripping hard around my fingers, he started to lean into my more stable stance as we walked. His shuffled footsteps were slow and measured, obvious he was still extremely weakened and _pained_ by the effects of this illness.

Eventually we completed the short journey to his bed, guiding him to sit at the edge. His head hung down immediately, and I felt a twinge of true sympathy for the man in front of me, remembering a distant memory of surviving through the same type of sickness and recalling how _miserable_ I’d felt.

“Just stay in this position for a moment, I’ll be right back,” I told him softly, rushing out of the room. I pulled the towels and one of the IV bags back out of the freezing chamber, noticing how much stronger this one was compared to the one I lived with on Raxus, the items already icy to the touch, but thankfully not completely frozen.

Returning to the bedside, I opened one of the towels and spread it over the mattress.

“You can lie down now.”

He followed my order, albeit slowly, slumping down onto his back. There was a slight hiss that escaped his lips, likely from the contrast of the frosted material hitting his overheated skin, yet his expression soon melted into one of relief. I handed him the other towel I’d prepared. “You can put this wherever feels the most comfortable.”

He plucked the fabric from my grasp and splayed it sideways over his torso. But I couldn’t be sure if that’s where he felt the most heat, or if he was simply uncomfortable being on display like this. Either way, I was more than content if he felt even the slightest bit more relaxed for my next task.

“I’m going to place this cannula now, alright?” I asked, giving him one final opportunity to refuse me. He’d seemed so focused on the idea of consent in the past that I wanted to prove my own point in providing him the same level of respect.

“Just be quick about it,” he muttered.

Following his order, I grabbed the kit, having everything opened and prepared to reduce my time making him uneasy. I primed the IV line with the cooled hydration bag, having it already hanging on the porta-hook fixed on the wall.

Kylo’s eyes never left me as I worked in silence, seeming only curious. Yet it was the second I touched my fingers to the skin of his arm, pulling the tourniquet around his bicep, that his mood changed. The aura around his shape suddenly shimmered with an intensity I couldn’t exactly explain as positive or negative. It was just… _there_ , my attention hard to snag away from it’s confusing strength.

I worked quickly to pierce the guide needle through the skin on the inside of his elbow, the veins predictably easy to navigate given his toned form. He didn’t flinch at the insertion, barely a waver in the energy around him, making it even more obvious my connection to him was causing the most pain.

With the cannula placed and patent, I attached the line, turned the flow on and pulled myself away, Kylo’s unusual energy fading soon after.

I picked up the monitor lines, offering them to him to position back on the conducer dots that were still in their correct arrangement. Even in this weakened state, he was eager to do the task himself, clipping them back on one by one.

His vitals were much the same, glancing at the results once before going to seize the pulmonary resuscitation kit from where I’d settled it on one of the draws. He didn’t make the slightest motion of denial when I handed him the breath mask, putting it over his face and taking the next few seconds to breathe in the high flow of pure oxygen. Seeing his oxygenation level rise was reassuring, glad that he’d avoided intubation for the time being.

Preparing two separate med-injectors with the medication I’d selected, I showed him each one before pushing it through the IV line. “This one’s to push your blood pressure up. This one’s to help bring your fever down.”

He nodded in understanding, closing his eyes through more deepened breaths. And with that, my treatment plan was in motion, and all I could do now was wait until the next crisis. If there was one.

I picked up the data pad I’d flung onto the cushioned bedroom bench that sat at the foot of Kylo’s bed, resting down on it while beginning the long task of inputting all that had occurred. I wanted every piece of evidence I’d done all I could to support his care, refusing to give Hux any reason to scold my measures in treating his Supreme Leader.

In the midst of my furious typing, Kylo’s voice broke through the silence.

“Sorry for making you bleed,” he murmured, the words muffled by the mask over his face.

My hand shot up to the cut, feeling where the skin had been sliced apart. I looked at him questioningly, wondering at what time he’d turned from someone who had nearly slashed through my throat with a lightsaber into the man in front of me now, one who was _apologising_ for a small wound on my temple.

“It’s fine,” I assured him. “I understand how strange it would have been to wake up to… all of that.”

He made a noise resembling a laugh. “That does put it lightly.”

“I wouldn’t have done it if not absolutely necessary.”

“I know,” Kylo agreed, his voice almost too quiet to hear.

A few beats of silence passed, my eyes flitting to the monitor screen. “Your vitals are already looking better. Just try to rest as much as you can for now.”

“Are you going to stay?” he inquired.

I looked back to him, his stare somewhat entreating. “I can leave if me being here makes you uncomfortable.”

“No.” He took another breath, now with less exertion. “It would be preferable if you stayed.”

“Okay then. I’ll be right here.”

Questions bubbled up to the surface like boiling water, simmering harshly inside my mind, the heat extending out to the rest of my body. The pace of my heartbeat picked up, a feeling somewhat akin to satisfaction curving through my blood, his request implying a degree of trust between us that had arrived without my awareness.

But, as it always seemed to be, the timing wasn’t right. I couldn’t bring myself to bother him with my wonderings, now that he’d already settled his head on the pillow, lids shut and breaths slowing. As severe as my intrusiveness burned at me, it couldn’t push past the image of seeing Kylo drifting back into a more peaceful sleep.

*

I’d turned the lights down, the room having a soft glow, just enough so I could easily navigate the space through another deterioration. While I had managed to stay awake during the next few hours, the hypnotic beat from the monitor constantly threatened to make me doze off.

Kylo had thankfully fallen into slumber, but since thrown off the cooling towel covering his torso in the middle of his dreaming, evident in the occasional tossing and low murmurs. The breath mask had been pulled off too, but when he maintained an adequate oxygen level on room air, I decided against waking him to replace it.

Being faced with his bared chest again was unusual to me now, feeling the call of two sides echoing through my mind. While it was difficult not to let my eyes wander and admire the sporadic tensing of his muscles, I was nagged by a part of my psyche that knew how much he disliked being so exposed. How disrespectful it was to his privacy.

That realisation made me smother the urge to peek at him several times during the early morning, even when I knew he would be oblivious to my attempts at maintaining his dignity.

My hands worked to exchange the IV hydration bag, having injected a mild pain reliever into the infusion with the aim of keeping Kylo’s sleep as undisturbed as possible. Although, that would need to be after I checked his temperature again.

A more agreeable patient might have allowed me to place an internal temperature probe on the inside of their nose long ago for continual monitoring. Yet, being more invasive and how downright _irritating_ it can feel, I gathered he would think this as the lesser of two bad options.

He was curled over towards the middle of the bed, the side he favoured now an open area that I settled down on, one leg still dangling over the edge of the mattress. Leaning over his body when I’d woken him yesterday evening seemed to startle him more, as did trying to shake him awake with my hands. This time I wanted to avoid yet another slam of my head into a hard surface.

“Kylo,” I called, not hushing my tone. “I have to wake you for a temperature check.”

I let a few seconds pass, and it was a deliberate exhale that indicated he was alert again. He turned his body to the direction of my voice, eyelids struggling to flutter open, and began to move his arms groggily to his side, pushing himself into a sitting position against the headboard.

I gave him an apologetic smile. “Sorry. It’ll only take me a moment.”

He nodded sluggishly, still in the residual haze of weariness. I waited for him to move his hair back in preparation for the probe, yet he remained motionless.

My movement was slow, careful, giving ample time to refuse my touch. But as fingers inched closer to his face, a stirring inside my chest began to make itself known, telling me that… I really didn’t want him to.

I found myself caught in another moment of charged emotion, sensing a profound longing to simply graze my fingers against his hair. His eyes shot open as I neared his temple, our stares suddenly locked with a growing intensity, embers inside my stomach crackling to life.

And he still didn’t stop me.

My fingertips gently delved into his softened dark waves, the connection swiftly turning the sparks into wild flames.

If Kylo sensed the change in my disposition he didn’t express it within his face, only noticing the tautness of his jaw. But it was different this time. I couldn’t recognise any pain in his features, the discomfort I’d become used to now nowhere to be seen.

Shifting the hair over his ear, brushing the skin behind it softly, I relished the thrilling sensation it pulsed through my arm and into the rest of my body. I became lost in it, this intimate moment formulated from nothing spectacular. It was so hard to hold back, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

But when my hand began to fall downwards, the connection severed, a callous shame began spiralling around my mind, humiliation soon saturating my thoughts. There was no doubt Kylo hated every moment of the encounter, bracing against the distress it would have caused him.

When his own hand began to rise, finding its way to my cheek with his thumb skimming tenderly over the skin, I felt the blaze held deep within my abdomen erupt into an inferno, my body tensed in anticipation for something I wasn’t aware I had been waiting for.

Without warning, fingers became laced through my hair and Kylo drew my face closer, leaning in to touch his lips to mine.

It was gentle, the motion of his mouth slow and cautious. I responded just as carefully, moving my lips only when he did. It was sweet, unassuming, yet already making my heart _pound_ within my chest.

It was when I felt his spirited energy begin to flow around us, with absolutely no hint of probing smoke, that his kiss became more urgent, reaching his other hand to my waist to wrench me hard against his chest. I let my mouth part wider in between kisses, tongue skimming the inside of his top lip. A restrained groan rumbled from his chest, causing me to relinquish all control over conscious thought, shifting to straddle his hips, not letting our lips separate.

I felt it instantly, the hardness obvious underneath me, but I was more focused on the passion of Kylo’s kiss, his energy spiking into waves of fiery pulses that were almost tangible against my skin.

Everything else was forgotten. Everything I knew, everything I felt, gone. My senses completely ensnared by his magnetic force around me.

He continued to kiss me desperately, now swirling his tongue over mine, greedy. The hold he’d captured me into grew tighter, our chests pressing hard into each other, the radiating warmth of his skin flaring into my body.

Suddenly, a piercing thought carved its way through my mind. A reminder of the last time I’d felt this way, so deeply trapped in desire and fervour.

I pulled my face back, and it became immediately clear Kylo had done the same, his hands jerking away from me in the same instant. I scampered off his figure, backing away, our eyes linked in a shared disbelief at what had just transpired.

“You should leave," he ordered, his voice low.

“Gladly,” I whispered back, turning to escape out of the room.


	16. Reconciliation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're finally entering into some of the territory that earns this story its explicit rating, enjoy!

I wanted to leave, desperately.

To exit past the blast doors without looking back.

But I didn’t.

I simply walked to one of the uncomfortable charcoal coloured sofas and sat down, lost in a trance of confusion and embarrassment.

Why was this now such a running theme in my life, becoming so horribly _unprofessional_ when looking after vulnerable men? Men who were my _patients_?

With Poe I came to understand all I thought and did eventually brought about an inevitable outcome, our connection forged quickly but deeply, developing feelings for him that I’d never experienced for anyone before, feelings I knew he had for me too.

But this? This growing… _something_ for Kylo that had clawed its way past my usual indifference? It greatly concerned me.

I didn’t know what came over me, what influence the energy I felt when touching my skin to his had over my behaviour. There was the fading echo of my thoughts during those moments, his kiss feeling right, _exciting_ , pleasurable even, yet now those notions seemed bizarre.

I didn’t feel that way for him. I knew in my heart I didn’t.

He’d already been so much of a burden on my life. I’d already felt too many negative emotions both in and out of his presence that couldn’t easily be erased from my memory. Ultimately, he was the one keeping me here, keeping me from my patients and my home, keeping me from Poe.

And for that, I still held _hatred_ for my captor.

A new compounding of questions rose to the forefront of my mind, more concerned with his actions than my own.

_He’d kissed me._

Kylo had made that attempt. All without the guise of trying to break through into my thoughts. 

There was something so innocent about the way he first touched his lips to mine, the usual intensity of our interactions gone for those few seconds. And I was overwhelmingly curious to find out why.

A part of me noticed the irony of wanting to desperately look inside his mind for even a moment, to get some kind of indication of his real intentions, understanding now more than ever why he was so obsessed with his endeavour to delve into mine.

I remained sitting in contemplative thought for a little while, procrastinating the inevitable task of continuing Kylo’s care, knowing I wouldn’t be able to leave until that was well and truly over. The prospect of entering back into his bedroom to endure the predicted awkward interaction was only slightly more appealing than being tossed back into my cell.

With a purposeful breath I stood, hesitating slightly before gliding my hand over the lock and slipping back into the room.

Hoping Kylo might already have fallen back to sleep, I was unsettled when I saw him still sitting in much the same position as when I’d left. Again, our stares found themselves secured into each other and I was quick to notice the hostile expression he wore.

“I thought I told you to leave,” he muttered, his tone sour.

“I’m following orders. And you’re still under my care,” I countered back, immediately stepping towards the bedroom bench where I’d left the datapad.

“I am more than able to care for myself now.”

I didn’t look up from the screen as I surveyed his vitals from the past hour. “You weren’t able to do that a few hours ago.”

“Exactly my point. It seems the worst is over,” he huffed. “Your treatment has been… _adequate_. But it is no longer required. A medical droid can fill your place easily.”

I could feel my teeth grind together, narrowed eyes shooting back to his face.

_Adequate?_ _I just saved your life._

“You didn’t seem to think that when you called for my attendance here. Even amongst all the other qualified personnel you keep on this ship.”

Kylo looked away, his lips settled into straight line. “I assumed you would do a better job, since you’d already know your punishment would be more severe if you didn’t.”

“I do my job well no matter what,” I hissed. “Even when I’m forced to treat an unappreciative _tyrant_.”

I could sense the barbed energy vibrate outwards from his body, even when his disposition barely faltered. “You expect me to be grateful? For doing the job I called you here to do?”

My voice became callous, offended by the thought I hadn’t extended myself to keep his thankless _ass_ alive. “Considering I helped you avoid _death_ , all on my own, yeah. I do consider that something to be grateful for.”

He ripped off his monitor lines and flung them away, his figure storming towards me, expression tight with contempt.

“Do not begin forgetting your place here,” he snarled. His energy became wild with wrath, pulsating hard into me with his close proximity. “You are _nothing_ but a hostage of the First Order. Your existence means _nothing_ to me.”

“Yet you still wanted to kiss me,” I challenged, standing tall against his intimidating stance.

The instant I’d let the words escape my mouth, he had his hand clamped hard around my neck, thrusting me backwards until my spine hit the wall. Even through the pain of his hold around my windpipe, I kept my eyes focused on his, defiant.

“A moment of weakness, brought about by my worsened health,” he condemned, the forceful air from his words hitting my face.

“Keep telling yourself that,” I choked out, a familiar hunger for oxygen encompassing my mind.

His grip grew even tighter, an enflamed growl escaping from his throat. “I could kill you now, and no one would know. No one would care.”

“ _Do it then_ ,” I wheezed with the last of the air in my lungs. I continued my attempts at breathing, gasping hard while his clutch on me refused to waver. The fog of unconsciousness was looming swiftly around my brain, the inside of my chest prickling with the pain of oxygen deprivation, but I rallied against it, pushing harder against the overwhelming urge to fall into nothingness.

I could only barely see Kylo’s violent expression through my lowered eyelids, scarcely able to identify the erupting chaos of his aura. The sound of my heart was beating hard in my ears, trying to push what little oxygen I had left in my blood to my brain in a desperate attempt to keep me awake. It was difficult to hold back the heavy blackness, my eyes forced closed, the beginnings of tears stinging at the corners.

In the next instant Kylo’s strangling grip was gone, and I was faintly able to hear his infuriated growl through the loud, rapid breaths I was now permitted to take. I kept my back steadied against the wall, the new flood of oxygen making me feel faint.

As I collected as much air as I could, I eyed Kylo pacing aggressively back and forth, his frame tensing while he remained focused in maddened contemplation. 

“How many attempts on my life is that now?” I rasped. “Three? Or four? Seems I’ve already lost count.”

He whipped around to face me. “There’ll come a day it won’t be just an attempt.”

The unemotional monster that usually covered his face with a mask had returned, his humanity fading fast in front of me. “I’ll remind myself of that the next time I have the option of treating you or letting you die.”

“There won’t be a next time,” he contested, glowering at me with darkened eyes.

“ _Fantastic_. So I can assume I’m being thrown back in that cell? Seems like the type of gratitude you’d show to someone who did all they could to keep you alive,” I replied, making my tone as barbed as possible. 

He strode toward me, slow and deliberate steps hitting the durasteel floor. “Oh no. You’ll still be working for me. Like the _slave_ you are.”

“I am _not_ your slave,” I seethed. Hot blood tingled my cheeks, an irretrievable anger shooting through my body.

“But that’s exactly what you are. A lowly _nobody_ being forced into work to avoid punishment. A _slave_ for the First Order. For me. That’s all you are now.” Kylo dared to curl his lips slightly upwards into a cruel smirk, his antagonising words built to inflict as much damage as possible.

It was difficult not to send out my own thrashing of insults, yet somehow I managed to hold the festering bitterness down. “Maybe I just might report to General Hux, tell him exactly why you’re keeping this _slave_ here. I think he would be interested to hear that the Supreme Leader isn’t as powerful as a newly trained Jedi.”

Kylo let out an amused exhale, looking to me like I was foolish. “General Hux is already aware of my predicament.”

_What?_

I couldn’t stop my eyes from widening, mouth falling open.

“Him, as well as the rest of High Command, have already been made privy to this information. And it caused them to approve of my increased focus on finding and killing the _Jedi_. Keeping you here, and _alive_ , until I can find out what she’s hidden inside your mind, was something they also concurred with.”

_Frack._

I had to concentrate hard not to let the distress appear in my expression. “And they didn’t care she’s found a power you haven’t heard of? They weren’t troubled about the _weakness_ this revealed in you?”

Indifference settled onto his face. “A mildly inconvenient ability born from the light wasn’t deemed a great concern. And my inability to break through it doesn’t diminish the strength I already have. One that could force their death if I wished it so. They understand that.”

_Concerning enough for you to keep me here._

“Seems to me they don’t actually respect you, or your strength. They’re simply too fearful of their death at your hands.”

“Fear and respect can be one in the same. They bring about the same outcome, in the end. Order. Control. Conformity. All of it leading to a safer galaxy,” he disputed, an irritating arrogance in his voice.

“Oh _come on_ ,” I challenged. “Don’t pretend you’re somehow this _gracious_ leader guiding the galaxy into a time of peace for the benefit of all who live in it. You only want more power, simply because a voice within your head tells you that you do. You want order because the inside of your own mind is constantly in chaos.”

Kylo’s face remained passive, but I felt in his energy the frenzy of rage flaring out from his body. “You think you have me all figured out? That you know exactly the type of person I am?”

I lifted my chin, trying to seem bold against his incensed stare. “I don’t think you even have yourself figured out.”

That statement seemed to madden him further, now unable to stop the ferocity from seeping into his features.

“Get out,” he fumed, opening his bedroom door with a wave of his hand.

_Hm, struck a nerve there._

“As you wish.” I smiled derisively at him, making my way to the exit. “You’re welcome for keeping you alive!” my voice called just before the durasteel door slid shut. Even through the walls I could feel his crazed fury burst outwards, making an unavoidable shiver of panic ripple through me.

Finding my still dampened sweater hung on one of the dining room chairs and wrapping it around my torso, I rushed out of Kylo’s quarters, filled with a storm of differing emotions.

Anger. Fear. Humiliation.

All swirling through my mind, making me feel nauseous. And amongst it all there was still a bothersome part of me that held great concern for leaving my patient before I was finished with their care.

Although, when I was reminded exactly how valued my treatment was by the ache still pulsing around my neck, my worry began to fade.

He wasn’t that helpless person I’d witnessed so fleetingly, the one who felt enough guilt to apologise for a small injury, the one who wanted to kiss me so sweetly. That person didn’t exist, not really, a by-product of a few hours spent in rare vulnerability. He was right, it was a moment of weakness.

But not just for him, it would seem.

Walking through the darkened corridors there was little movement around me, still being in the early hours of morning.

I became stuck in deliberation about the fact that Hux, along with the rest of High Command, now knew about the block on my mind. From what I’d overheard in the conversations of command leaders I’d treated as patients, most of them had been fairly dismissive of Kylo’s obsessive focus on the Jedi. They deemed it a waste of time, effort and credits just for the capture of one person.

But Kylo made it seem like they were more understanding of this fixation now. More minds in agreement could only mean it was going be easier for him convince them to use the full force of his military fleet in finding her, and the rest of the Resistance.

An intense remorse rippled in my chest with the realisation I’d forced an even brighter focus over Rey once again, worrying I could very well have another person loathing me for the lies I couldn’t stop telling.

My body was shivering when I’d finally made it back to my quarters, the moist fabric of my sweater making me feel horribly cold. I threw it off as soon as I stepped inside and immediately noticed a new batch of laundered clothes, including my First Order uniform, had already been delivered, the load waiting neatly on one of the side tables.

Picking the pile into my hands, I carried it with me to place inside the drawers of my bedroom, lids already drooping as I longed for sleep.

After hanging my uniform up in preparation for my next shift, which I still needed to check would actually occur, I began to put away the rest of the clothes, mostly casual pieces I wore the minute I was allowed out of First Order emblazoned attire. Fingers had plucked a pair of trousers when I felt something heavy within it, opening the folded pant legs, noticing a large lump in one of the front pockets.

I reached in to pull out a thickened metal disc about the side of my hand, a few buttons twinkled along its base. With it came a small card, and it struck me as bizarre, barely ever seeing any kind of paper products being used on the _Finalizer_. Turning it over there was an unusual type of handwriting spelling out three words.

**Say your name.**

My stare wandered over the card curiously, turning it backwards and forwards as if it would gradually show more of an explanation for the instruction, before moving my attention back to the disc to see if that held some kind of answer.

It was silly, to feel shy with no one around, yet I was hesitant for a few moments, worried for what exactly I might be unleashing in doing what it said. But the curiosity was too overwhelming, desperately hoping this was another way in which the Resistance was trying to contact me.

“ _Alexys Jago_ ,” I spoke clearly towards the metal. Instantly a blue stained light blinked into life, the image of a connection signal playing on what I could now identify as a portable holoprojector. My feet stepped backwards, settling onto my bed, the projection showing me the attempt it was making to link with a pre-determined target.

_A voice-coded holoprojector. Smart move_.

I could only assume the signal out would be encrypted, although how long that would last until the First Order comm-network unscrambled the code, I didn’t know. My heartbeat kept moving faster in anticipation for the people on the other end of the link. Maybe they were about to give me news of a rescue plan. And even if he wore the same hurt expression as the last time I’d viewed his face, seeing Poe again, alive, would still make my whole week.

An agonisingly long minute had passed since the small machine initiated its signal, and a horrible dread began to hum inside that something might have happened to the people on the other end of the line.

Slowly, the connection icon faded away, and the outline of a figure slowly came into focus.

“ _Alex_ ,” Poe greeted, a tone to his voice that almost sounded like relief.

 _“Poe,”_ I replied warmly back at him, my chest swelling at hearing him sound happy to see me. His image soon became clearer, again viewing only the top portion of his body. He appeared vaguely dishevelled, wearing a rustled light shirt, his curled dark hair gently messed, eyelids slightly droopy.

Even in this state I was entranced by his features, starkly reminded of how _handsome_ he was. I was silently thankful I’d made my own appearance more presentable in the night, cleaning away the blood that had leaked from my head wound and brushing out my water tangled hair.

“Did I… wake you?”

He chuckled softly. “Yeah. It’s the middle of the night here. I was told you wouldn’t be receiving the holoprojector for another day at least. Something about a special assignment.”

Hearing him laugh made my skin tingle with delight. “I was released from that particular duty early.”

A shiver of guilt was the cold reminder of what had happened in the early hours of this morning, what I frantically wanted to erase from my memory.

“Well I’m glad,” he smiled, my heartbeat rising even higher at the sight of it. “I’ve been waiting to talk with you.”

“No one else is with you?”

He shook his head, turning serious. “I organised this holoprojector alone, so we could get a chance to speak, just the two of us. Thankfully we’ve got more than 15 minutes this time. And I was able to get our spy to make sure no-one is watching through the security cameras.”

“Good… that’s good.” I felt myself becoming a little anxious at the true indication behind the conversation he’d worked so hard to bring about. There was so much I wanted to say to him, so many apologies I wanted to express, but I was made so hesitant by the solemn look on his face that the words wouldn’t form on my lips.

A long silence followed, making me more fretful as the seconds ticked over. Poe’s gaze appeared to study my face, seeming just as cautious to speak as I was.

“Alex…” he murmured.

_Oh no. This was it._

He was severing it, whatever it was we were.

“Alex, I am so sorry.”

“Wait… what?”

“I’m _sorry_. Sorry for making you feel so ashamed in disclosing your abilities. That I made it about me. About us.”

I was locked in a stunned silence, not having expected this shift in attitude.

Poe ran a hand through his hair, an uneasiness now evident through his movements. “I had some time to think after our last transmission, time to go over everything. It wasn’t long before I realised what an _asshole_ I had been.”

“No Poe, you weren’t-”

“I was,” he interrupted quickly. “I saw you concealing it as an implication you didn’t trust me. And that wasn’t fair. You weren’t to know what would happen, especially with us. You kept it hidden because you were afraid of the consequences, the _danger_ , it could bring.”

“Rey talked to you, didn’t she?”

He smirked softly before turning sombre again. “She may have helped me understand a few things. How terrifying it can be to come into these types of powers, not knowing what they really are, or how people might take advantage of it. She knows more than anyone the target it puts over your head.”

“I _really_ hated lying Poe, I swear,” I insisted, leaning in closer, my eyes pleading. “But the fear has just… eaten me alive for most of my life. I didn’t want to trust _anyone_. It’s… hard to get out of that mindset.”

His expression turned comforting. “I know. And you still threw all of that fear away, saving a stranger directly related to the people you were hiding from.”

“ _Of course_ I did. I wouldn’t have _ever_ let you, or anyone else who crashed on my doorstep, die because of my fear. It’s just… the Resistance is one side of a war I don’t want to be a part of. Years of seeing what it’s done to innocent people, how many lives its taken and ruined. Hiding kept me from being caught in all the death that rebellion brings, and I couldn’t be obligated to join a cause I don’t believe in. I know how selfish that is…” I hung my head, feeling a shame that squeezed my lungs tight.

“Self-preservation isn’t selfish,” Poe disputed, his voice soft. “You held a stranger’s life in higher regard than the risk to your own. Something you said you’ve done many times in the years past. I think that’s the opposite of selfish.”

His reply made my chest heave in relief, his understanding setting another cascade of reprieve stream through my blood.

“And… I understand what obligation feels like,” he continued. “I’ve spent years serving under General Organa, and it’s common knowledge how well she can tug at a persons’ compulsion to help those who are victimised, pulling you into the fight with the inspiring hope of a better, more peaceful galaxy. She’s a hard woman to say no to.”

“I can imagine.” Thinking of Leia’s face, her earnest and entreating disposition, I knew I would have never been able to refuse her request to help.

There was hush in the holo then, only the usual crackle of static caused by the vast distance our transmission was likely covering. Again, Poe seemed a little troubled, noticing he was twisting his fingers in between one another, something I’d recognised he did when he was nervous.

“What’s wrong?”

I could see his jaw tighten, the apprehension showing clearly on his face. “I’m… scared to ask.”

“You’ve stared death in the face, countless times, and you’re scared to ask me something?”

He nodded, not able to look at me. “As a pilot, even as a Commander, I know what I’m doing. I have a goal, and I generally know what I have to do to reach it. It’s straightforward, logical. But this… This is so much harder to navigate.”

“I’m not sure I know what you’re trying to say.” There were a few missing beats of my heart, so worried about what he would want to know.

He took a deep breath, obviously building confidence, forcing his eyes back to my concerned stare. “I know that after everything that’s happened, how that might have changed things… between us…”

I felt my breath hitch in my throat. Swallowing hard, I knew now was the time for me to be brave, to tell him exactly what I was waiting to say.

“Poe,” I breathed, securing my eyes to his. “My feelings… They haven’t changed. But I would completely understand if you didn’t feel-”

“No, Alex, I do,” he interjected, face now beaming with his perfect smile. “I still feel the same way.”

“Really?” A luminous glow was quick to course through my body, my chest throbbing with delight.

“I’ve barely had a minute where I haven’t thought of you. _Missed_ you.”

“Me too,” I cooed. “I’ve missed you too.”

I stared back at him longingly, wishing only to be able to reach out and touch him, to feel the warmth of his skin under my fingertips. Poe looked back in much the same way, a subtle frustration glistening within his eyes, still obvious within the sputtering holo image.

“I wish I didn’t let them leave you there, on Raxus. You could’ve been here, with me, right now,” he cursed.

“I know, but maybe things were meant to turn out this way. Maybe this was just meant to happen,” I soothed.

**_Indeed. This is exactly where you’re meant to be. _ **

Poe immediately noticed the jolt in the holo when I’d recoiled in alarm at the voice appearing within my head.

_Right on cue._

“What happened?” he called, his face filled with concern.

I did what I could to settle the sudden tension developing within my muscles. “Nothing. I just thought I heard something. Being in this place, it’s hard to not feel on edge _all the time_.”

_Frack. I was lying again_.

Should I tell him about the spirit that had visited me, the voice that haunted me all throughout our time together?

**_Consider that notion again, and you will regret it._ **

****

I felt my throat become viciously tight, an invisible grip crushing my windpipe closed, seconds passing with its powerful clutch around my neck, only for it to vanish.

**_I won’t let go next time, if you don’t keep your mouth shut._ **

****

“Alex what’s wrong?” Poe demanded frantically, noting my abrupt breathlessness.

“I’m fine,” I assured him, fighting through the terror that had seized its hold over me. “I just… breathed the wrong way. It’s been a long day. Well, night really.”

Poe only let some of the distress fade from his face. “Are you sure?”

I nodded quickly. “Absolutely.”

“I can leave you to get some rest, if you need it.”

“No!” I refused. “I don’t want to give up a _second_ of being with you, even if it’s like this. How long do we have left?”

He looked off to somewhere at the edge of his view. “Another hour.”

“And you think I want to give that up for a little bit of extra sleep?”

“I agree. Sleep can wait,” he smirked, his cheerful expression already quelling the fear that had thrust itself on me.

*

I’d made myself comfortable against the wall above my bed, still holding the holoprojector in my hand, near enough to view Poe’s impossibly gorgeous features up close, watching his face intently we chatted easily about the happenings since we’d last seen each other in person.

Poe had to be increasingly vague about his mission, with the ever-present risk of Kylo Ren slipping his way past my mental block at any time. It had obviously been difficult for him, telling me he still wasn’t sure how he’d made it back alive.

As the conversation flowed, he’d been extremely curious about what my young life was like with my gift hidden. A sizeable amount of time was spent explaining what I could achieve with my ability, now being able to give an accurate recount of how I’d prevented him from bleeding out.

“You can visualise the vessels? And repair them, just by concentrating on the area?” he asked, impressed, albeit a little disbelieving.

“Organs too, but yes,” I explained. “I started with healing my own small cuts and minor injuries. Then during my medical training found myself having to fix bigger wounds. And… it’s a little more than just _concentration_. It takes an immense amount of energy from me, hence why I fainted after my attempt to fix your severed artery.”

A memory of that next morning obviously flickered through Poe’s brain. “ _That’s_ why you were still covered in blood when I’m came to.”

“Yeah, well I didn’t exactly get the time to clean myself up before you decided to dramatically exit out of unconsciousness.”

He exhaled in amusement. “It would have been the same painful wake up, blood stained clothes or not.”

“That is true,” I laughed, my limbs feeling light.

Poe took a few moments to observe my lively expression.

“I’ve missed your smile,” he whispered sweetly.

I looked down, the hint of warmth at my cheeks, unable to stop the grin from fading. “It’s been a while since it’s felt so easy to. Not since…” My voice trailed away, the blood in my face getting hotter.

Poe raised an eyebrow. “Since when?”

I could have played coy, but a sudden boldness made itself known at his mischievous tone. “Since just before that _damn_ doorbell went off.”

There was a noticeable shift in Poe’s demeanour at my admittance, appearing startled before he nodded in agreeance. “Don’t remind me. The timing really didn't work out for us.”

As a few beats of stillness passed, my courage surged through, bypassing the timid nature I’d spent years shrouding myself in. “Have you thought about it? What would have happened if we weren’t interrupted?”

“Uh…” Poe faltered, his eyes widening. I could see him swallow hard, trying to cool the shock my question had evidently provoked. Although, it quickly melted into a heated determination. “I have. _Often_.”

I welcomed the recognisable kindling of fire down below. “Me too,” I whispered.

“I still wish…” he started, an adorable bashfulness taking over his features, once again running his fingers through his hair.

“What? Tell me.”

“I wish I could have heard you… _come_ for me.”

I didn’t know what it was that possessed me to divulge my next statement. “I guess I was the lucky one in that sense.”

Poe was physically startled. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

_If I could be honest about one thing, it would be this._

“The night we played Sabacc. I went to take your vitals later, in the early morning. And I heard… _you_.”

The memory seemed to hit Poe like a lightning strike. “You _heard_ me? Doing… _that_?”

A new confidence settled under my skin, desperate not to waste any more time under the dragging weight of inhibition. “I did.”

“I didn’t hear you exit your quarters.”

“You were understandably distracted,” I smirked.

“Well this is _completely_ humiliating.” He pushed his face into his hands, and I could imagine clearly the crimson blush of his cheeks. “You must think I’m an absolute pervert!”

I reached a hand towards his image as if to soothe his embarrassment, purely out of habit. “No, Poe, it’s okay! I kinda loved it.”

He slipped his palms down, exposing his eyes, seeing me express an enticing smile. “You did?”

I nodded. “It wasn’t long before I followed your lead.”

Poe’s hands dropped immediately to the desk he was sitting at, staring at me with an excited surprise. “Right there?”

“In the hallway, yeah.”

He was overcome with astonishment, before looking down, scraping both sets of fingers through his hair. Only a few seconds had passed when his face snapped up again, expression fierce with craving.

“Did you…?”

“ _Hard_ ,” I purred.

His head rocked back, letting out a frustrated sigh. “ _Fuck_. You’re killing me here Alex.”

Hearing him curse so harshly caught me off-guard, rarely having heard that particularly crass word much in my life. But coming from him, right now, it was intensely attractive.

I let a slow giggle seep past my lips. “Should I be sorry?”

“You should,” he scolded. “You should be sorry for being quiet. For not letting me hear you. _Or see you_."

I bit my lip seductively, the wicked temptress that had been forever confined far beneath the surface finally getting the chance to show herself.

“Would you like me to remedy that for you?”

I could see Poe’s chest heave, lips parted. He nodded only once, dipping his head slowly.

Keeping my gaze focused directly to his, I brought two fingers to my mouth, gradually becoming enveloped by my lips, tongue covering them with moisture. Poe stared eagerly as I pulled the digits slowly outwards, sucking gently, not once letting my eyes flicker away.

With a small pop my fingers were free again, and I watched his breathing quicken while I began to move them down. Eventually, I reached the border of my pants, slipping my hand past the two layers of fabric that stood between their destination. He wouldn’t be able to see this lower half of me, but that’s exactly how I wanted it.

I wanted him to keep all of his interest towards my face, on my reactions, the sounds I would make.

My fingers skimmed over my already sensitive clit, closing my eyes and humming silkily in response to the touch, a delicious burn beginning to swelter in my abdomen.

Knowing Poe was watching me made it grow hotter so much quicker, feeling my own breath hasten as I steadily moved over the centre of my arousal, an indulgent sigh escaping my throat. Allowing my lids to pull open, I caught the sight of Poe’s piercing eyes, his jaw tense with restraint.

“ _Maker_ , I would give anything to have you with me now,” he murmured.

“Yeah?” I said breathlessly. “Tell me what you would do, if I was there, right now.” I raised my eyebrows in challenge, not stopping the movement of my fingers, producing a craved moan whilst glaring right at him.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he swore again, exasperated. “Alex… You are making this so much harder.”

I allowed a luscious smile to form on my lips. “Well I would hope so.”

Poe couldn’t stop himself from smirking, yet there was a serious edge to his voice when he spoke again. “You have no _fucking_ idea.”

My front teeth bit hard on my bottom lip, visions of his erection throbbing underneath the material of his underwear holding all my attention. The thoughts made my centre clench, a rising feeling of pleasure now sparkling brightly from below.

“Tell me Poe… Tell me what you’d do,” I pleaded, knowing his voice was a crucial component of the intense release I wanted him to witness.

I heard his shaky exhale crackle through the holo as he continued to watch my face intently. It took a moment for him to gather enough composure to form the sentences I desperately wanted to hear.

“I... I'd kiss you so hard your lips would be swollen for _days_.”

I hummed in response, a memory of the sting in my lips after being interrupted on Raxus.

“And… I’d brush my lips over that sweet spot at your shoulder, the one that made every muscle in your body tense against me.”

My eyes closed again, imagining the sensation he described, recalling the delightful shiver it ignited.

“But I wouldn’t stop there this time. I’d pull off your blouse, take off your bra, getting to squeeze those perfect, little tits in my hands, licking your _pretty_ nipples, making you _squeal_ for me.”

“Oh _maker_ … Poe… you’re _so_ good at this,” I gasped between heavy breaths, the flames burning within scorching my insides.

“I’ve had too much time apart from you to think about it, Alex. Imagining all the ways I’d make you _come_.” His voice was so low, so fervent.

A short explosion of passion rippled its way through me at the sound of it. “ _Oh fuck_. Keep going. _Please_.”

There was a rumbling groan that flowed from his throat before he resumed. “I would _finally_ get rid of those _fucking_ panties and slip my fingers into the wetness you’d made, just for me. And I’d bring them back to my mouth and taste it, taste _you_ … _Fuck_ , I would give _anything_ just to taste you.”

I moaned loudly, throwing my head back in delight, fingertips continuing their silky motion, my arousal growing harsher with every passing moment.

“I’m _struggling_ Alex,” he rasped, causing my lids to flutter open to his strained expression.

“What’s wrong?”

“Watching you, it’s making me… _hurt_.” His eyes flickered downwards through forceful breaths.

“I never said you couldn’t join me,” I panted. “Just don’t stop talking.”

Within the blur of my ecstasy-filled haze, I saw Poe shifting in his chair, able to observe the slow repetitive tensing of his right arm, his eyes scrunching closed in relief.

That sight nearly tipped me over the edge right then.

His words grew more breathless as he continued our imagined encounter, low moans slipping into his pauses.

“I’d kiss every inch of your naked body… Making my way to your sweet, swollen _pussy_ … Licking at the juices _dripping_ from you…”

I felt my entire being tremble severely at the word he’d spoken, a small part of me shocked to my core at its use. But hearing it come from him, the way he groaned after it, I was dragged further inside the storm of pleasure that was thundering through my body.

“I… I wouldn’t be able to hold myself back anymore… desperate to _take_ you… Make you _mine_ … I’d press myself against you… coating my _cock_ in your wetness… sliding over your slit… getting you ready…”

Restraint left me, letting a powerful whine break free from my lungs, a shattering climax so close within my reach. But I furiously held myself back, desperate to hear more of Poe’s perfectly described visualisations.

The sound that escaped past my lips only made him more impassioned.

“I’d fill you slowly… Pushing deeper into you… Having you _stretch_ around me… Clutching your body even tighter… Hearing you moan just as hard as you are now.”

My head slammed against the wall behind me as a violent spike of pleasure made me begin to lose control. “ _Yes_ … Poe… I’m… I’m _so_ close.”

I could tell he was edging towards his peak too, his breathing ragged, a fevered growl rising at my admission. He still continued to speak, using his words to push me further into bliss.

“I’d thrust into you… Making you feel all of me... But I… I wouldn't be able to hold myself back… _Fucking_ you harder… Deeper… Feeling your _pussy_ get even wetter… Moaning louder… Filling you with my cock over and over again…”

“Poe! Oh _fuck_! I’m… I’m going to…”

And that was it.

I unravelled so swiftly, so _deeply_ , crying out in uninhibited ecstasy, the fire below erupting into a white flamed blaze that raged through my limbs, setting my skin alight, my insides _pulsing_ in satisfaction.

In the midst of my release I heard Poe come crashing into his own, the unreserved moans only extending the heavenly sensation of my orgasm. I let the feeling linger for as long as I could, wishing time didn’t have to move me away from this perfect moment.

_There couldn’t be anything better than this. Better than him._

**_There is Alex. Give it time. You’ll see._ **


	17. Life and Death

I listened to Poe’s deepened breaths as he leaned back into the chair, a subtle, relieved smile set on his lips, settling into his post-orgasm haze of contentment.

Mine however, had already been ripped away, the hooded woman’s declaration ruining another moment I should have been able to enjoy with the man in the holo. The one she seemed determined to keep me from forging any kind of relationship with.

_You couldn’t have left me alone, just once._

**_I let you continue your depravity to an end point, did I not?_ **

****

_But now it’s all tainted._

**_Perfect._ **

A seething hostility swelled inside my chest, but I had to force it from showing on my face with Poe returning to composure any second. I didn’t want him hurt by seeing such a negative reaction after what had been, in all honesty, one of the most satisfying experiences of my life. And I needed him to know that.

“That was… _amazing_ ,” I hummed.

Poe roused quickly from his fulfilled meditation, smirking at me. “Imagine how much more it will be when we’re finally in the same room.”

I couldn’t stop myself biting my lip again at the thought of actually feeling his warm skin against mine. “I can’t wait.”

“Neither can I,” he whispered. Yet soon a hesitant expression melted into his features.

I didn’t know exactly how, but I could sense the reason for the shift in his mood just from the look in his eyes, my own dropping with it.

“You still don’t know when that will be, do you?”

He exhaled hard, frustrated. “We’ve had some… _opposition_ to the plan to rescue you. From the rest of Resistance High Command.”

I tried not to let the disappointment show, but it was difficult, especially after the events of the last 24 hours. Knowing exactly where I stood with my captor, his definition of my imprisonment still making me riddled with fury. But, a part of me was somewhat understanding of their reluctance in risking a formal effort to pluck me from the First Orders’ grasp.

“I mean, I can see why. I’m nothing to them. I provide no benefit to their cause.”

“It’s not that,” Poe refuted, visibly annoyed. “And stop thinking of yourself as nothing. They’re all _extremely_ appreciative of everything you did for me on Raxus.”

“But…” I finished for him.

His jaw tightened. “But... the fleet is in a very weakened state. There were so little left of us after Crait, and even with the increase in our numbers from those who finally responded to Leia’s signal for help, they believe it’s… not worth the risk to our forces.”

There was an unavoidable quiver in my bottom lip, a harsh gloom descending over me at the reality of being stuck here, maybe forever. “It’s okay. I get it.”

Poe let a hand reach forward to soothe me, a tendency we both seemed to forget wouldn’t really work over light years of distance. “I would jump in the closest X-wing and fly straight to you if I knew we’d both make it out alive. Please know that.”

I nodded. “I know. But it’s not that simple.”

“Leia is doing her best to convince them to change their mindset,” he assured. “But she can’t expose one of the real reasons behind her insistence of a rescue mission.”

“And that reason would be?”

Poe seemed slightly nervous to answer. “ _Us_. The connection we’ve made. She understands it, and empathises deeply about out situation. She really does want to make this happen for me, for the both of us. She also knows trying the emotional angle on the members of High Command would be… pointless.”

_And the Resistance think they’re so different to the First Order._

I couldn’t disagree with their logic, and it wasn’t a surprise to me that feelings and attachments wouldn’t have a place within the war they were waging. However, that concept was exactly why war, as a whole, never truly made sense in my eyes.

The beings in this galaxy, at least most of us, found the largest part of our meaning in life from the love and sentimental moments we experienced in our daily lives. Yet those striving for a supposedly ‘better’ galaxy generally paid that notion no mind. There was only fierce strategy and devious tactics that always appeared completely devoid of emotion.

I could see why the Resistance were seen as the ‘good guys’. Any type of rebellion generally implied an inspiring struggle against a cruel, oppressive force, an appearance which the First Order didn’t exactly shy away from.

But with the roles reversed, the disparities in military strength inverted, I could never believe those who lead the Resistance would never resort to the same immoral methods to keep control.

“Sure, I can understand that,” I started, trying not to let bitterness seep into my tone. “But you all know what I can do now. It’s not a secret anymore that I’ve got a sensitivity to the Force, one which I’ve had to work _extremely_ hard not to expose to a particular dark side user. If _he_ breaks through, if… _Kylo Ren_ figures out what I’m hiding, I don’t think the consequences of that would be particularly positive for any of us.”

I felt dirty saying _his_ name in front of Poe, our interactions yet another portion of my life that I couldn’t bring myself to expose to him. Especially not through a holo conversation.

“That’s an issue we’re all aware of,” he maintained. “It was something that Rey was extremely concerned about. But she didn’t get a chance to provide her opinion before having to leave.”

“What?”

Poe was hesitant to speak again, but eventually figured out the exact vagueness he could use in his answer. “Another phase of the mission.”

_Damn._

I was quietly hoping I could have a chance to speak with Rey at least sometime in the near future. There was so much still unsaid between us. So many questions I had to ask her.

“Right. But why does Rey need to be the one to present this… _opinion_?”

I was quick to sense Poe’s agitation at my question. “She’s not the only one expressing it Alex, _trust_ me. However, she’s the only one who can verify your abilities, and-”

“That’s not true,” I interrupted, my inflammation hard to contain. “You’re only alive today because of me. Because of what I can do.”

Poe let out an exasperated breath. “I _know_ that, but High Command are a little… skeptical of you.”

I felt my teeth clamp together. “Skeptical of what exactly?”

“Your agreeance in working for the First Order. That you’ve been helping to heal them.”

“I didn’t have a choice,” I fumed, an attitude I assumed I’d made clear.

“They don’t see it that way.”

My eyes narrowed, an even heavier infuriation pressing hard on me. “So they’d rather see me turn to insanity within a cell?”

“Don’t get angry with me,” Poe retaliated. “They have to make decisions based on the continued safety of the Resistance.”

I withheld the urge to fling the holoprojector into a wall. “Aren’t you a member of this ‘High Command’ who helps makes these decisions?”

“Technically yes, but-”

“Well can’t you at least convince them I’m not working for the First Order out of my volition? I’m essentially a _slave_ to them now.”

A wave of nausea washed over at using the same word Kylo had labelled me. Unfortunately, it seemed the only one that described my predicament accurately in the eyes of the Resistance.

Poe pushed a hand through his hair, frustrated. “I am _trying_ Alex,” he insisted severely, his tone significantly more irritated now. “You’ve always said you don’t want to join us, which is something I’ve had to be honest with them about. That, combined with the work you’re doing to actually _help_ the First Order, even if it is by force, doesn’t inspire a lot of motive to risk any of our fleet. They don’t trust you’ll be loyal to us.”

It was the most professional I'd seen Poe appear, his Commander persona having emerged for this portion of the conversation.

“So someone can’t be neutral? Because all I’m hearing is ‘ _You’re either with us or against us._ ’”

“For some of them, yeah. It’s like that. And I can’t magically change their minds.”

I couldn’t help but let out an aggravated groan. “What would they prefer I do? Show my loyalty by covertly killing off the Command leaders I’m supposed to be treating?”

There was a poignant silence as I looked to Poe’s face expectantly, waiting for his quick dismissal of that concept. Instead, I was met with an expression of unease, his jaw tightened hard.

“That’s what they want me to do isn’t it?” I seethed.

He exhaled slowly. “It was an approach that was discussed, yes.” His voice turned sincere. “I didn’t agree with it. I know how important your work is to you Alex. I know you’d never do that.”

“ _Damn_ right I wouldn’t. They’re still innocent people Poe! I’d rather stay on this ship for the rest of my life than have someone die at my hands.”

Poe’s eyes turned suspicious. “Innocent? Surely you don’t _actually_ think that.”

“They’ve done nothing to warrant me _killing_ them. That’s innocent in my eyes,” I affirmed, my voice bitter with a subtle rage that was continuing to make fiery blood race through my system.

“You can be so naïve sometimes,” he muttered, his eyes nearly daring to roll at me.

“It’s not naïve to think all lives are worth saving."

He arched a challenging eyebrow at me. “All of them? What about the person who’s holding you hostage? He’s certainly not _innocent_. Would you save his life?”

The words came out of my mouth before I had the conscious thought to stop myself. “I already did.”

My answer hit Poe like a physical strike, his hands slamming on the desk in front of him. “What is that supposed to mean?”

In a calmer, more rational state of mind, I would have picked my words more carefully, as to not incriminate myself in the aim of securing a rescue. But right now, with that possibility seeming to be fading from reality, and the Resistance’s callous attitude towards me, I didn’t hold my tongue.

“He was unwell, almost fatally, and I did everything I could to keep him alive through the night. That was my special assignment.”

Poe suddenly rose from his seat with an infuriated huff. I could see his lower torso and hips move back and forth in the background, pacing.

Soon he slumped back into the chair, his face visibly tense as he forced some kind of control over his expression.

“You had the chance to let him die, to remove his destructive influence over this war and the galaxy, and you _helped him live_?”

“Of course I did!” I retaliated, not attempting to dampen the volume of my voice. “I’m a doctor, not a _murderer_!”

Poe lost the command over his face, turning visibly incensed, his eyes ablaze with animosity. “You’re so concerned with saving lives, but just think of all the people you’ve sentenced to die by keeping Kylo Ren alive.”

The concept made me speechless for a few moments, a worrying thought that maybe Poe was right circling through my brain.

I pushed against it.

“I’m _not_ here to do the Resistance’s dirty work,” I hissed. “Your rescue brought the First Order onto my doorstep, remember? You got me stuck in this mess. And now all I can do is try and keep _myself_ alive. Which is not what would have been the outcome if their Supreme Leader didn’t live to see morning under my care.”

We were then locked in a duelling stare for more than a few seconds, my words obviously filtering through Poe’s mind.

Gradually, his expression transformed from determined anger to one of exasperation, his head falling into his hands, an annoyed grunt muffling from under his palms.

“I know Alex! You’re right, okay?” He took a long breath, rubbing his eyes with a thumb and index finger, before opening them to me again. “I shouldn’t expect you to do something like that, it was wrong of me to imply it, and yeah, probably would have gotten you… _executed_.”

There was a slight change in his features at that word, the thought obviously troubling him. His voice turned softer when he spoke again. “I _know_ you’re just trying to get out of the dangerous situation I put you in. I’m as frustrated as you are, _trust me_. It’s… _killing me_ that I’m the reason you’re there, and I’m trying, I’m _really trying_ Alex, to get you out.”

His apology was quick to disarm the heat of resentment that had bubbled up a few minutes ago. I was caught off-guard by his natural turnaround after being around the people of the First Order for too long. Trying to get any of them to be accountable for their behaviour, or even get a simple sorry, was like pulling teeth.

As initially reckless as Poe constantly seemed to be, he always did so with good intentions, readily taking responsibility if he did, or said, the wrong thing. And for some reason, in that moment, it made me miss him more than ever.

“I know you are,” I murmured, attempting a forgiving smile. “I’ll be honest. I… did think about it. Letting him die. Only for a moment. But I couldn’t. I would _never_ do it. It goes against everything I’ve worked for, everything I believe in, everything I am.”

Poe nodded in understanding, and it made a soothing glow trickle through me. “I get it. If there’s one thing I can be sure of with you Alex, is that your resolve to preserve life definitely trumps all of ours. I’m sure Leia would be appreciative of what you did too.”

I cocked my head. “What makes you say that?”

He was quickly overcome with stress, eyes wide. “She just… uh… has the same moral compass as you. All life has meaning, that kind of thing.”

“You’re lying,” I protested, my eyes narrowing in suspicion.

“Me and my big _fracking_ mouth,” he cursed to himself after looking away. With a large sigh his eyes met mine again, expression serious, a long silence occurring before he could force himself to speak again.

“He’s… he’s her son. Kylo Ren isn’t his birth name, the one Leia and Han Solo gave him.”

I felt my mouth gape open, the shock of his words racing through my nerves like an electrical current. Questions burst through my mind like oil on a hot pan, scattered and explosive, the heat of my curiosity difficult to contain.

Yet before I could slip even one of them past my lips, I heard the dampened glide of my quarter’s door as it slid open.

“ _Frack_ , someone’s here Poe. I have to go,” I whispered abruptly.

His reaction was startled, but quickly comprehending. “Please stay safe Alex.”

“You too.”

I pressed what I assumed was the power button on the holoprojector, watching as the image of Poe swiftly clicked out of existence and promptly stuffed the metal disc into my bra. I knew the First Order regularly searched my quarters, so it seemed like the best spot to keep it until I made it to an incinerator.

Only a few seconds passed before my bedroom door was opened to the image of two Stormtroopers, making me scramble off the bed to my feet as they stormed inside.

“You know it’s rude not to at least knock first,” I stated derisively. They ignored my snippy comment and began to search the room around me, for some reason their blasters at the ready.

“If you’re looking for something in particular maybe you could, you know, ask?” I shot, hiding the fear they had somehow seen my covert reunion with Poe.

“Your security feed had been offline for over an hour,” one of the Stormtroopers barked, stomping towards me with his weapon raised. “What did you do to cut the signal?”

“Woah, nothing!” My voice became slightly nervous, palms facing up in submission. “I’ve just been trying to sleep.” The holoprojector felt like it was burning a hole in my chest, now silently praying they couldn’t discern it’s outline through the two layers of fabric on my torso.

The threatening Stormtrooper motioned to his companion, moving his head towards the bedroom door. “Search the rest of the quarters.”

“I’ll ask one more time. How did you disrupt the feed?” he then boomed, pressing the tip of the blaster into my stomach. There was a small comfort in knowing he couldn’t actually kill me. Kylo would no doubt snap this man’s neck within the flicker of a moment if he actually acted on the threat he was implying, dashing all hopes of infiltrating the mind that still eluded him.

I looked into the black slits of the white helmet, condescension prickling my tone. “Do I seem like someone who could figure out how to do that? Especially from the confines of this room?”

I could sense the thoughtful moment the Stormtrooper had, yet still his blaster stayed pushed against me. “Who knows what you’re capable of, rebel scum.”

“Do I need to tattoo ‘ _I’m not with the Resistance_ ’ on my forehead? Would that make all of you remember?” I snapped.

He grumbled out a harsh grunt, obviously irritated by my lack of fear for a blaster bolt through my abdomen. “If you didn’t do it, then someone did it for you. Who was it?”

“I don’t know!” I fired back, which technically wasn’t a lie. I had no idea who this Resistance spy was and sincerely had no clue how they’d managed to infiltrate the First Order’s security system without leaving a trace of their operation. “I don’t exactly have a lot of friends on this ship, being a hostage and all.”

I could tell by the shift in his stance that the Stormtrooper was edging to make some kind of physical blow on me, only disrupted by his comrade pacing back into the room with us.

“No sign of anyone or anything suspicious,” he announced curtly. The other huffed some semblance of acknowledgement, an aura of disappointment radiating off of him. With one last shove of his firearm into me he snarled, “Don’t think you're off the hook yet. If you had something to do with this, we’ll find out eventually.”

I bit down the urge to scoff at him, purely because I still had evidence of a link to the Resistance hidden beneath my clothing. I assumed the voice-lock would keep anyone from connecting through to Poe with it, but I didn’t want to take the chance.

“Is your investigation over for now? I’d like to get back to trying to sleep. It’s kind of been a busy night for me,” I interjected into the few moments of quiet.

The Stormtrooper in front of me shook his head sharply. “We’ve got orders to escort you to the _Prestige_ med-bay for medical duties.”

“But I’ve only just gotten back from working overnight?”

_This couldn’t be a good sign._

“It doesn’t matter,” he retorted. “That’s the orders we’ve received, and that’s what’s going to happen.”

I would have protested more, but the call for my return to the ward so soon had me slightly worried.

“I need to change into my uniform,” I said flatly, my own way of consenting to their command. When they both didn’t move after a few seconds I crossed my arms in exasperation. “I’m not going to change in front of you. Just give me a minute and I’ll happily let you take me to the med-bay.”

The Stormtroopers looked to each other, a silent question transferring between them. Eventually they both nodded in agreement and filed out my bedroom’s entry, letting the door slide closed. I drew in a deep breath, only now able to come to terms with the sudden intrusion of these soldiers, still cursing them for yet another interaction with Poe that had to be cut short.

_Maybe one day we’ll be able to say goodbye of our own accord._

I donned a new set of undergarments before setting myself into my uniform, the holoprojector still placed discretely in my bra, hoping to at least get it as far away from my quarters as possible if I couldn’t sneak away to destroy it.

Before walking out to my new entourage, I made an effort to place my hair into its signature loose plait, something I hadn’t been able to do since I’d stepped onto this ship. I had been strictly enforced to pin it back into a bun during shifts, but I figured the excuse of not having enough time to groom myself properly would give me this exception today.

The Stormtroopers were still sniffing around my living space when I walked out, evidently not convinced I hadn’t managed to hide some crucial piece of evidence somewhere in my quarters. I would have judged their sub-par detective skills after having not done at least _some_ kind of pat down over my body, but that would probably be tempting fate.

“Ready,” I alerted, making both stop their snooping and quickly dash to my figure, reaching to grasp either of my upper arms.

I recoiled harshly from their attempt. “Hey! I’m coming of my own free will. There’s no need to man-handle me.”

A few tense seconds spent staring in defiance at the more aggressive Stormtrooper made him eventually huff something akin to agreeance, allowing me to move past their white-clad bodies towards the door.

On exiting they still made the point of walking close to my flanks, keeping up the appearance that I was still the same hostage who was forced into obedience under First Order directives.

Walking the route to the _Prestige_ ward, the strength of my concern for the situation I would be arriving into began to deepen, incessantly wondering who exactly had called for my return so soon. A request from Risha, or any of the other doctors, wouldn’t have brought an armed escort with it. Even the demand of my presence to Kylo’s quarters was only overseen by an assumingly weapon-less General Hux.

I would have pondered over it more, but as soon as the ward’s large entryway was in my view, the chaos I could already observe transpiring past it made me instantly forget my companions as I accelerated my pace. There was a flurry of frenzied movement throughout the area, my eyes quickly surveying the scene, noting a large volume of beds were housed with intubated patients.

The continual ring of several booming alarms was jarring, already sensing a great deal of them were critically unstable. I spotted Risha’s figure amongst the worrying small amount of human and medical droid shapes, rushing directly to the same bedside where she was spouting out orders to the nurses accompanying her.

“Risha I’m here,” I announced the moment she’d finished her instructions. “What do you need me to do?”

“Alex! Thank the _maker_!” she exclaimed, pulling me with her as she moved to the surveillance station. I could see the dark circles beneath her spectacled eyes, obvious that she’d had even less sleep than me. “Half of our staff have been struck down with the virus, we’re working on fumes here.”

She brought me to main holoscreen, flicking her fingers over it to bring up the data files and live vitals of every patient currently admitted. “These are the ones currently intubated, and these are the ones on the verge.”

“How many of us are left?” I asked bluntly.

“Now including you; 4 doctors, 5 nurses, and 2 medical droids.”

I felt a wave of shock pulse through my limbs. “What happened to the rest of our medical droids?”

“They’ve had to be spread around the rest of the _Finalizer_ ,” she replied succinctly. “This is all we’ve got to manage 20 unstable patients.”

_Kriff._ _This was even worse than I’d expected_.

“Five each? This is so unsafe.”

Risha let out a tired exhale. “I’m extremely aware. But we don’t have much of a choice. We can only do what we can.” A datapad was thrust in my hand. “The information for your share of patients will all be on there.” Immediately she moved to return to her own before I caught an urgent hand to her wrist.

My hushed voice was barely audible above the screaming alarms around us. “Risha… We could have some deaths on our hands here.”

“My hands have already been tainted with that over the last two days, Alex,” she said sombrely. I could see the despair of her own words form in her face, the anguished shame palpable in the energy I now sensed around her.

Without a second of hesitation I rushed to pull her into a comforting hug. “I’m so sorry.” I felt Risha’s muscles tense as my arms coiled around her, but it didn’t take long before she surrendered into my offer of consolation, giving her another reassuring squeeze as she gave in momentarily to the sorrow, letting a quiet sob muffle into my shoulder.

“I know you would have tried your hardest to save them Risha,” I soothed, knowing precisely the type of pain that came with having a patient who took their last breath under my care.

She slowly removed herself out of my embrace, fingers wiping away an errant tear under her eye. “I really did try.”

“I know, I know you would have. I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help you.”

The sharp ache of anger was quick to flicker in my chest, so _irritated_ I’d been stuck caring for one severely undeserving man while Risha, and the other doctors here, had been struggling with more than their fair share of significantly more unwell patients.

Even indirectly, Kylo seemed to cause the losses of more innocent people. And he probably wouldn’t ever give it a second thought.

“Come on,” Risha urged through a trembled breath, beginning to compose herself again. “We shouldn’t waste any more time.”

I nodded, my mind now ushered back into the relentlessly distressing concern for the lives hanging in the balance around me. I would never look down on Risha for not being able to keep all the people with this virus alive, knowing some patients are just fated to die even with the highest level of medical intervention. But I desperately didn’t want to have the same failure on my conscience.

*

The next 24 hours were a blur. I’d quickly lost count of the med-injectors filled with medication I’d pushed through my patient’s IV lines just to keep their vital signs hovering over stable.

There was no time to sleep, or eat, only barely having time to use the bathroom in-between each crisis.

Somehow, we’d made it through 6 resuscitation attempts, all from cardiac arrests, each heart thankfully reverting back into the best form of a normal rhythm we could hope for under these circumstances. Although, whether their brains would return the same level of functionality after waking from their forced coma… That was a question I just couldn’t deal with yet.

As a group we’d been attempting to form a rotating sleep schedule to get at least some semblance of rest. I was 20 minutes into my third allotted hour, curled into one of the break room chairs, just about to pass into slumber when a hand began to softly shake my shoulder.

“Sorry Dr Jago,” one of the nurses disturbed. My lids were heavy as I pulled them open to an older, dark-skinned woman with delicate grey eyes.

“Mmm?”

“There’s a patient you apparently need to see. His companion asked for you specifically.”

Through my tired haze I picked myself out of the metal chair, curious to know which of the few people on this ship who actually knew my name I would be greeting.

If it were Hux or Kylo I wouldn’t hesitate on walking right back out again. Seeing either of their faces in my severely sleep-deprived state would certainly not evoke my most willing of demeanours.

Risha, even more baggy-eyed then yesterday, was at the surveillance station drowsily forcing herself to type out progress notes, the ward eerily calm amongst the constant beeping of ventilators and monitors.

I paused in front of her at the counter. “Someone asked for me?”

She nodded, gesturing her head to one of the private rooms we’d managed to keep free after our only discharge of the night. I would have questioned her further about who summoned me, but she just looked so helplessly tired is stayed hushed, figuring I would find out soon enough on my own.

It was when I moved closer the room Risha directed me towards I could her a familiar voice resonate out, turning the corner to find Vicrul, now dressed in gritty, slightly tattered black robes that looked like they’d been worn through countless fierce skirmishes. He was muttering impatiently as he paced around the hospital bed that now appeared to be occupied by another of his fellow Knights.

One of the nurses had begun the process of setting up monitor lines, having already placed a breath mask over this new patient’s face, now struggling to remove the heavy, leather covered clothing that draped his torso.

“Vicrul?” I asked, baffled at his appearance here.

“Oh good, you remember me,” he remarked, face shooting up to meet mine.

I moved to the beside of his comrade as it became obvious they were drifting in and out of consciousness. “It wasn't _that_ long ago,” I pointed out. “But that doesn’t matter. Who is this?”

“His name’s Cardo.”

“Right.” I began to assess the now incapacitated Knight, slipping my stethoscope into my ears and listening to the recognisable harshness in his breathing, noticing the loud crackles through each inhale. “How long has he been unwell?”

Vicrul shrugged. “No idea. He never turned up to the first training session Ren had called for in the last few days. Found him like this, and Ren told me to get him to you.”

My muscles tensed, not sure if I should feel complimented by Kylo’s suggestion or slightly concerned he was already back to training after being so unwell. Yet I continued to evaluate Cardo’s condition without a word of reply, his vitals worrying me greatly. His oxygen levels were dangerously low, lips already showing the faintest tint of blue.

“Can you please get another intubation kit ready?” I instructed the nurse, already starting my attempt to place a cannula.

“Is he gonna be alright?” Vicrul questioned.

“I have no doubt he’s been closer to death than this,” I replied flatly. “And I’ll do my best to keep it that way.”

After connecting Cardo to an IV line, I pushed through a carefully selected concoction of drugs into his bloodstream in an attempt to stabilise his accelerated heart rate and ease the strain on his lungs. The nurse soon rushed in quickly with everything I needed to tube him, our actions synchronised as we prepared ourselves for yet another intubation procedure.

“You shouldn’t be here for this Vicrul.” I’d settled myself at the head of the bed, poised to begin. “Go and tell _Ren_ that I’ve got the situation handled.”

Vicrul didn’t provide a verbal response, simply following my request by moving to exit the room, only stopping to take one last look at my face. I gave him my most reassuring expression, sensing the atmosphere of worry that he exuded.

It was actually somewhat warming to think that Kylo Ren’s warriors actually had real emotions underneath all their armour, but the feeling wasn’t able to linger for long. I now had to concentrate on the precarious task of keeping yet another Knight of Ren alive.

*

Cardo’s vitals had been holding steady for the entirety of the day, seemingly more resilient to this virus than the rest of the more aged patients that were causing me the most issues. Even when I had to pull my attention towards another deterioration, I always had a small portion of my focus directed towards listening out for his room’s alarms, the threat of his death hanging over my head far heavier than the others.

In the early evening it was _finally_ my turn to attempt a severely shortened nap, deciding to take the break within Cardo’s room. I wanted to be right by his bedside if the hint of a decline made the alarms sound.

As staggeringly tired as I was, sleep wouldn’t come easy, concern constantly sprouting within me every time I heard a shuffle of movement outside. I was disturbed back into consciousness when a heavy set of footsteps began to make their way through the ward, gradually getting louder until it was evident this room was their destination.

A groaning sigh left me as I pushed myself out of the ball I’d been trying to sleep in, assuming it was Vicrul coming back to check on his… friend? That seemed like too odd of way to explain the relationship these men had.

When my eyes blinked open I had Kylo Ren’s looming figure in front of me, a familiar vision of black flowing robes and crimson cracked helmet, making me immediately rise out of my seat.

A mutual silence was shared between us as I settled my racing heartbeat, discreetly using whatever energy I had left to reinforce the wall around my mind.

“Supreme Leader,” I greeted, my tone completely soaked with disdain.

“Doctor,” he murmured. The way the word filtered through his vocoder made it sound like an insult. “I see you’ve helped my Knight in avoiding death for the time being.”

I looked at him coldly. “Indeed I have. You’re welcome. Again.”

He barely moved a muscle at my comment, yet the aggravated tendrils of his energy were already beginning to radiate around him. “It appears my order to continue your duties early was an appropriate decision.”

_I should have guessed._

While I could have been annoyed he’d been the one to force me back to _Prestige_ ward without a hint of rest, I was increasingly glad I’d been brought here to help Risha and the others cope with this challenging state of affairs.

“I see you’re feeling better,” I noted, already having recognised his relaxed breathing rhythm through the mask he wore. “Cardo will hopefully be in the same position in a day or two. It’s _so_ nice of you to check up on one of your bodyguards.”

Kylo made a subtle huff of irritation at the sarcasm in my words. “While I wished to verify you hadn’t failed in your task of preserving his life, I am actually here due to another concern. There is an important matter we need to discuss. Regarding a fault in my security system.”

_Oh frack_.

I was quickly reminded of the Stormtroopers dispatched to fetch me, recalling their search over my quarters looking for a reason why my camera feed had been blocked for over an hour.

_Thank the maker I’d disposed of that holoprojector._

I subtly straightened my posture, trying to appear unmoved by his declaration. “Like I told them, I had nothing to do with that.”

“I would be more likely to believe you if I hadn’t felt _exactly_ what occurred during the time you were allowed that ill-gotten privacy.”

My insides clenched hard, unable to stop from coughing out a startled breath.

_There’s no way._

_He couldn’t have._

_I was so far away._

Kylo began to slowly tread towards me, his aura reverberating with triumph. “From your reaction I will assume you are not going to deny it.”

I swallowed hard, trying to calm myself against the shock still rattling through my limbs. “It’s _none_ of your business what I do when I'm alone.”

“It becomes my business when you have somehow gained prolonged concealment from my security network,” he insisted, his body edging nearer to mine. He knew my confident resolve was always threatened when he was this close, and he was taking advantage.

But I wanted to prove I wasn’t the only one who could be tilted off balance.

“Are you so upset because you didn’t get to watch it happen this time?”

He let out a long exhale, feeling his hidden stare bore harshly into me, responding with his own question. “Are you so _unsettled_ because you were thinking of me?”

I let an amused smile form on lips before giving my answer, also bracing for the wrath it would bring with it.

“It wasn’t _you_ I was thinking about.”


	18. Dynamic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know this chapter is shorter than most, plus it's probably riddled with typos and I'm really sorry! I was extremely time poor this week but I've worked all day to get this chapter out because I'm really excited about it, I hope it's to your liking!

Kylo's entire body remained unmoving. Although, in his energy I could instantly sense his struggle to maintain that kind of frozen composure, determined not to show any sign of reaction to my words.

It made me curious, to soon feel the slightest hint of… _envy_ in his aura.

I was oblivious to the rhythmic beeping of Cardo’s heartbeat on the monitor as a drowning silence hung in the air between us, waiting for him to supply some kind of response.

Through the lingering hush I was tormenting myself over another moment I’d granted Kylo to sense the failure of my shield, every fragment of my focus having been centred on the pleasure Poe has ignited with his words. I had assumed, so wrongly, that distance would have prevented my captor from noticing a break in the mental wall.

I wanted to know exactly what he’d felt, if he’d been permitted to see the images that flooded my mind, like the last time I’d lost my control. The assumption that I was imagining _him_ in that moment seemed to imply he hadn’t been afforded that ability in this instance.

I couldn’t be sure just yet.

It was an extremely long time before I heard his modified voice finally address me again.

“Who?” he seethed. I almost recoiled at his choice of question, surprised at the one he would have bothered to ask.

_Thank the maker._

The last thing I needed was more angered attention on members of the Resistance.

I glared at him disobediently, feeling a little more confident in knowing I still had some secrets I could keep close.

“Why do you care? My personal life should be nothing of your concern.”

“It usually wouldn’t be, but when my technological defences have been breached, I need to know the motive as well as the means.” While the voice that came out of his vocoder was concentrated with control, it wasn’t hard to feel the energy around him become erratic, each emotion sparking so quickly I couldn’t discern exactly what he was feeling.

“You think I’d make the effort to orchestrate this to allow some… _time to myself_ , without any witnesses? You think I needed privacy that badly?”

He straightened his spine, emphasising his height, most likely in an attempt to appear menacing again. “Maybe I don’t believe you were alone.”

It would have been easy to refute his insinuation. To scoff at the thought of having a secret rendezvous with anyone on the _Finalizer_. However, an impulsive part of me wanted to know what his reaction would be if I didn’t.

“Would that trouble you?” I queried, raising my eyebrows in challenge.

I could hear the grinding of Kylo’s teeth through his mask, noticing the tensing of his hands into balls at his side. Abruptly they moved to his helmet, releasing its locks and hauling it off. His eyes blazed viciously into my mine as the fragmented metal dropped to the floor, a sharp clanking sound reverberating through the room.

“Kylo!” I shushed before he had the chance to answer the question I had posed. “Do you want this conversation to remain private? Because it won’t if you make that kind of noise.”

Perfectly on cue, Risha’s figure rushed into the frame of the doorway. Kylo shifted slightly to keep his face out of her view, his eyes still glaring at me darkly, sending a clear demand to wave this intruder off.

“Alex? Are you okay in here?”

I placed a poised smile on my lips. “Everything’s fine. I’m just discussing this important patient’s condition with the Supreme Leader.”

Her eyes darted from my face to the back of Kylo’s head, clearly shocked to obtain even the smallest view of the unmasked man who led their Order.

“Are you sure?” she prodded, her following stare carrying a silent message, giving me the opportunity of an exit if I needed it.

I nodded firmly. “Absolutely.”

Risha’s mouth twisted in reluctance, being obvious an explosion of questions had erupted by the expression she wore. But the insistent look I shot back was enough for her to slink away from the room and back to the task our interaction had disturbed. 

The second her footsteps began to fade from earshot Kylo completely closed the space between our bodies, his features set with a smouldering temper that seemed barely restrained under the surface of his skin. “Find a place where this discussion won’t be further disrupted. _Now_.”

Hearing his natural voice again was startling, my heart racing as I felt the breath of his words brush against my cheeks.

“ _Fine_. Follow me.”

I moved around his figure and walked out of Cardo’s room, making a quick right turn into the hallway that led away from the main ward. Kylo’s energy burned hot behind me as I guided us to a locked supply closet, keying in the code and slipping quietly into the small room filled with shelves stuffed full of common medical consumables.

A finger flipped the dimmed light on as I walked past the entryway, stepping towards the back wall before swivelling around to face Kylo’s forcefully unemotional expression, watching the door close behind him. With my arms folded in waiting, I tried to steady myself through the panic rising at being in this cramped space with him, _alone_.

I hated that my eyes wouldn’t stop from roaming over his face, reminded once more of the alluring man that kept himself hidden in front of others.

Kylo kept his jaw clenched as his own gaze slid down my figure, the atmosphere sparkling around him still too chaotic to interpret properly.

“Have you been fraternising with my personnel?” he asked, a cold tenor in his voice.

I knew what I should be doing. I knew it would be smarter to follow the path of honesty, let this conversation end so much sooner and return to my much-needed rest.

But his reaction, this immense surge of emotion that continued to pulse in the air around him, had a strong hold of fascination over me. It was pushing me into reckless territory.

“You seem to be awfully concerned with the thought of someone other than you getting to touch me.”

The muscles over his cheekbones tensed harder. “Answer the question.”

_Hm, he didn’t deny it._

“No,” I said firmly. “I was alone.”

“Why insinuate you weren’t?” he grumbled.

“I didn’t. _You_ made that assumption. I simply wanted to know why the answer would be so important to you.” 

Lifting his head, I saw a slight relaxation in his features, picking out a small wave of relief trickle through his aura. “You’re a prisoner. Your interactions with my staff need to be monitored. And _professional_.”

“You’re kind of a control freak, you know that right?” I snipped.

Kylo’s eyes darkened. “Your evidence?”

I took a bold step forward, surprised at my own confidence in front of who used to be the most intimidating person in the galaxy to me. “It’s not enough you’re holding me here indefinitely, and manipulating me into undertaking work for your Order, but you also want to keep me from having any type of freedom? Maybe even form positive connections with the people you employ?”

Kylo following glare was icy, frustration seeping into his expression. “What do you expect? Stay here as a hostage and still be allowed to pursue your every whim?”

“You and I both know I’ve done nothing to warrant imprisonment,” I objected. “You’re punishing me for something I don’t have any influence over.”

My intrigue grew when his pupils flickered away from mine, however it wasn’t long before his menacing stare returned, his tone delving lower.

“This is _my_ Order, _my_ ship and you’re under _my_ command. You don’t get choices or freedom here.”

I let myself take in a cooling breath, trying to settle the rage that threatened to lash out at him. “You might be able to keep me as your captive. But you don’t hold any possession over me. I am not yours to do with however you please.”

“I’m not sure that I agree,” Kylo countered, his mouth daring to turn into an arrogant smirk. “You've let me do _exactly_ what I wanted before.”

Memories flashed of feeling his hand go down, the heat of his breath on my neck, the touch of his lips on my skin.

I could have been flustered by the images flooding my brain, yet a growing resilience helped my demeanour remain unconcerned. I moved even closer to his taught frame in the same way he always did, creeping nearer, sensing his energy resonate harsher with unease the closer my body was to his.

“Did you feel how much _stronger_ it was this time, when I was alone? When I wasn’t thinking of you?”

The skin under Kylo’s left eye twitched, the sinister amusement he’d shown fading as he forced back a scowl.

My voice hushed, I let a wicked smile spread across my lips. “It was _better_. Without you. Did you see _that_ in my thoughts this time?”

He still didn’t respond, his features tight with restraint, edging his stance backwards as I stepped nearer. It made me feel so _powerful_ , to have this formidable man speechless, pushing me further into the compulsion of keeping him so tense.

“Were you disappointed you didn’t get to hear it?” I whispered as Kylo’s back hit the durasteel of the closet door. I knew in the pounding of his energy that he recalled the sound, the moan I couldn’t suffocate as I’d unravelled in front of him.

Soon, our bodies were almost touching, the air around us thick with an irrepressible tension, as I wondered how much further I could push him until he cracked.

“Well, it’s probably better you didn’t,” I breathed. “You only would have heard me _gasping_ someone else’s name.”

Suddenly my spine was slammed against the surface Kylo had been pressed against, the change of positions so quick I barely had time for a breath. Gloved hands were gripped around my upper arms, shoving me harshly into the metal, locking me into place.

My amused smirk didn’t leave my face through the shock of his movement, keeping my composure even with his eyes sending sharp daggers into mine.

“The name. Give me their name,” he threatened, his fingers digging brutally into my flesh, a severity to his voice I hadn’t heard before.

“Do you really want to know who I imagined being with? Who’s kiss I thought of while I touched myself? When I _came_ harder than when I was with you?”

The flare of invisible emotion that burst around Kylo in the following moment was so dense I could feel the streaks of his jealousy skate across my skin.

_He thought I was his toy to play with. And he didn’t like sharing._

It occurred to me, deeper than ever, that I had the advantage now. His possessiveness, whatever it meant, was a tool I needed to wield if I was going to get off this ship without help.

Seconds were fleeting as our eyes fastened into an unyielding struggle, still waiting for a reply to slip from Kylo’s mouth.

Instead, his hands released their hold, only to creep over the curve of my waist, shifting to press his body onto mine against the solid door, face leaning in close.

“I could make you feel so much more than that.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, his hips were rolling into mine with a slow thrust, the action so precise and controlled. Even through bulky clothes I could feel his arousal rub against me, a gentle exhale slipping past his lips and over my skin, sending an inescapable shiver through my nerves.

_Kriff. He wasn’t playing fair._

My face clung to indifference while my core clenched incessantly at the recognition of how _hard_ he was.

I needed to focus, both on keeping my mental protection wound firmly around my mind, and holding off the craving that surged within.

“I doubt it,” I disputed, my eyes unblinking.

Kylo ever so slightly lost control of his expression, striking features twisting into an image of subtle fury. His left hand rose and grasped the braid of my hair laying over my shoulder, fingers coiling around and giving it a small tug.

“I will just have to show you.”

His face drifted closer, lips poised in waiting, ready to connect into an impatient kiss.

“No.”

I could see his irises glitter with an unbridled wrath. “What?” he growled through gritted teeth.

“ _No_. My consent has proven to be a valuable concept to you, and I’m telling you right now… You don’t have it.”

The air around us grew thick with a frustrated rage as Kylo tensed against me, his chest heaving a slow, uncomfortable breath.

My heart was sprinting through a stammered rhythm, waiting for the moment he would inevitably snap.

Would he hurt me again? Would he attempt another crush of my windpipe?

Truthfully, I didn’t really care.

Seeing him like this, so off balance, would be worth whatever injuries or verbal lashings I might receive.

There was an obvious turmoil boiling behind Kylo’s intense expression, and I began to sense the internal debate swirling around his mind.

Through his life I had no doubt he’d done an exceeding number of unspeakable things. Disregarding the morals and beliefs that most humans in this galaxy held close, aggressively advancing through whatever barrier he needed to get what he wanted. Yet, it appeared this was a line he wasn’t able to traverse. Using his power this way, it was something the darkness that dominated his mind couldn’t force him to do.

It was hurting him, the pain visible in the aura he radiated, his desire becoming more and more severe the longer I stood in front of him, defiant. A thrill of excitement pulsed through my limbs at the certainty making itself known within this moment.

_He wanted me._

_Desperately._

There was no ulterior motive. No inquisitive smoke brushing against my form. No theory to test. He simply wanted to embrace the longing that was clawing at him so harshly.

The same one I felt stir down below.

Restraint was beginning to lose its strength, as I finally allowed myself to acknowledge the genuine _lust_ I felt for the man in front of me, that made me eagerly return his kiss in the early hours of yesterday morning.

Purely physical, and deeply overwhelming.

It would have been easy to give in. But I refused to lose the newly gained supremacy in our dynamic, one that could possibly serve me in the future to come.

Calculated determination fuelled my next action, fingers reaching to graze against Kylo’s thigh, tracing up slowly, edging them closer. Not a word was spoken, forcing my breathing to remain steady as my hand moved under the thickened fabric of his black tunic. I waited for him to shift away, to wrench my hand from where it wanted to go.

Yet he remained motionless, save from the slight tremble of his inhale. And that was enough of an agreement for me to continue.

As soon as I made contact, skimming silkily over the firm outline of his erection covered by the heavy material of his pants, I felt it twitch underneath my touch, Kylo letting out a muted sound of surprise.

The noise only spurred me further, my hand curling around as much of him as I could grasp through the fabric, beginning to run my palm delicately up and down. As I moved, I was startled by how _big_ he felt, the recognition of that reality setting scorching flames alight in my abdomen.

Kylo shivered, his lids reluctantly squeezing shut, noticing the energy around him had been replaced with a warm glow. It felt extremely… familiar, an aura I couldn’t exactly name the emotion of.

A subdued moan soon rumbled from his throat, it’s hum making my skin feel like it was on fire.

“Does that feel good?” I purred, fighting the quiver that wanted to disturb my confident tone. I saw him nodding slowly, his breaths becoming shallow as I continued caressing my hand over his length. “Do you want more?”

His eyes flickered open, their colour somehow seeming so much lighter than what I'd observed previously. He drew his face close, the grip he had around my hair becoming tight enough to make my head tilt upwards.

“I want _all_ of it. All of _you_ ,” he growled.

I felt my centre _throb_ at his words, the flames inside crackling and exploding embers into the rest of my body.

“We’ll see,” I breathed. “But for now…”

My voice trailed off as my other hand found its way to the border of his trousers, locating the clasp that held them closed and swiftly unlocking the fastening. Kylo’s breath hitched as I stopped my motion, only to navigate my fingers through the layers of clothing that shielded him.

Underneath it all, I finally grazed against the skin of his hardened cock, the sensation sparking a charged current through my arm, coursing ruthlessly through my bloodstream. Steadying the panic that threatened to burst once more, I gripped my hand around and began to move smoothly over his flesh.

The new motion ripped a pleasured groan from Kylo’s chest, his eyes closing as he rocked his head back in relief. Nails dug brutally into where they rested at my waist, already knowing the tissue would be bruised from his grasp. Somehow the pain of it, how strong his hold was on me, only made my indulgence grow harsher.

Pulling his entire length free from the covering of fabric, I continued to stroke him, his moans becoming more frequent, more passionate, energy pulsing with delectation.

I’d never felt stronger, having this man literally in the palm of my hand. It was utterly intoxicating, watching him pant through the pleasure I was providing through each concentrated movement of my fingers clutched tightly around his cock.

“Let me have you,” he gasped. “Let me have you _now_.”

While every part of my body _screamed_ with agreement to his plea, it was eclipsed by the assured resolve to preserve this new-found power. “You haven’t earned it yet.” 

Kylo suddenly loosened his grasp at my side, forearm springing up to press against the door behind me. His face dipped into the space beside mine, feeling the delicious warmth of his accelerated breaths down my neck.

“You’re being cruel.”

I couldn’t help but let a gentle chuckle slip out at the irony of his statement, my grip around him becoming slightly harder.

_There’s no one crueller than you in this universe_.

But now was not the time to voice that opinion.

“Maybe,” I smirked. “I think you like it that way.”

An intense moan reverberated directly to my ear, and it made the wetness between my legs become even more pronounced.

I couldn’t deny it. At this single moment in time, there was _nothing_ I wanted more than to make Kylo tip over that same edge he’d made me fall into.

It wasn’t going to be now.

Just how he kept me as his prisoner, I was about to lock him within his longing for me.

My motion over his length become faster, twisting and squeezing my hand over the skin eagerly, pulling even more delectable noises from the pit of his chest. I knew it was without conscious thought that he yanked harder on my hair, sensing he was getting closer to release by the stifling thrum of his bliss filled aura swirling around him.

It was so hard to pull myself away, but I had to.

I couldn’t let him win like this. Not yet.

As if answering a silent prayer I’d cast into the galaxy, I heard the ward’s medical emergency alarm ring out through the room. Releasing my hold, I took the opportunity of his weakened state to push Kylo’s sturdy frame off of me, his feet stumbling backwards, face shooting up to meet mine in distressed shock.

“Sorry, duty calls,” I said boldly, turning to press my hand on the lock of the door, it sliding open as I darted back out into the corridor and towards the cause of the alert.

The pulse of frustration that exploded behind me almost caused my steps to falter from its force, but it made a smile melt into my lips. I’d achieved exactly what I’d set out to do, for once without falling to the whim of my emotions.

Hurrying back into the open space of the ward, I rushed to the bedside Risha was hovering around, noting how unusually calm she seemed, the alarm suddenly cutting out.

“Everything okay?” I asked, my voice still a little over-excited from the surge of accomplishment sizzling through my body.

“False alarm,” Risha stated. “A short bout of VT that resolved within 10 seconds, vitals returning to normal directly after.” Her voice was hoarse with exhaustion as she stifled back a yawn. 

I moved to the hand washing basin, quickly cleaning any trace of Kylo from my skin. “Go and get some sleep Risha. I can handle things from here.”

“Are you sure?” she slurred.

I stepped to her side, eyes wandering over her weary face and patting her arm in sympathy. “No offence, but you look _terrible_. Take as much time as you need.”

She turned to leave, feet dragging under her, before suddenly circling around to face me. “Are you going to tell me what you were discussing with the Supreme Leader back there?”

“It’s not important right now,” I assured. “We can talk later, when you’re not severely sleep deprived.”

Risha didn’t disagree, shuffling out of the ward towards the break room. Picking up the data pad with the patient’s information, I tapped through the tracking of their heart rhythm, seeing the irregular lines of ventricular tachycardia start from seemingly nothing, only to revert back without any intervention.

It wasn’t as if I’d never seen it before, a patient self-resolving out of dangerous heart sequences, but something felt off. I didn’t have the energy to ruminate about it further, simply grateful to have this person still alive and hopefully healing.

Sitting down at the surveillance station, I was barely able to process the movement of nurses floating around the area as they made their evening rounds, my focus directed to feeling out if Kylo had shifted from where I’d left him so unsatisfied.

It was only a few minutes later I began to feel his advance towards Cardo’s room, with a rapid surge of effort I speculated was the Force pull of his helmet he’d left on the floor. Then he was storming back into ward, his footsteps pressing hard into the durasteel.

I leaned back into my chair, folding my arms, waiting for him to single out my profile in the room. When his blackened figure returned into my view, I watched him hunt through the large room, curious murmurs of several nurses echoing softly through the air.

Finally in his scanning he found my face, pacing towards the counter I was seated behind, his mask hiding his own once again. Still, I could feel his scowl behind the cover his helmet, sinister vines of manic hostility swelling around his form.

A subtle smirk drew across my mouth, staring at him, letting my teeth bite down enticingly on my lower lip. Kylo stayed frozen in his halted stance for only a few moments before turning to march away from my sight, taking his heavy energy with him.

For the first time since he’d appeared, I felt like I could properly breathe again, my lungs able to expand and fill with unaffected air. Although now I was faced with the realisation of what had just transpired, what I’d done, the shift in power I’d snatched into my grasp. It was impossible not to feel a cold dread, worrying how Kylo would make his attempt to restore our previous dynamic.

I pushed the fear away. I couldn’t allow myself to be the helpless victim anymore. If no one was going to help me find an escape out of here, I had to do it myself.

Switching my attention to the job I still had to perform amongst the disarray in my mind, I moved to the main holoscreen, sifting through the current circumstance of each patient, taking note of the changes in their condition. To my relief, most of their vitals were trending upwards.

With little I needed to do in the immediate future, I decided to brew a few cups of caf for myself and the staff working with me, making my way to the dispenser in the break room. Risha was already snoozing soundly in one of the more comfortable chairs, and I made an effort to keep my sounds as light as possible, preparing each serving within the preference of the 2 nurses and one doctor who would be taking on the night shift with me.

Walking carefully back into the _Prestige_ ward with 4 cups in hand, there was radiating ache of pleasure that started to ricochet from my core outwards, illuminating my veins with a hot glow of molten blood.

But… it wasn’t mine.

I couldn’t understand the infiltrating thoughts that enveloped each of my senses, somehow recognising they weren’t my own. Obscene images, visions of explicit entanglement flashed inside my mind. I was hypnotised, unable to stop how my body reacted to them.

My breath caught as the decadent feeling throbbed harder, wishing I had something to lean against, my legs now trembling at the sensation. It wasn’t long before the bliss reached its peak, making my muscles tense, barely able restrain the whine that waited in my throat.

I lost my strength, cups dropping from my grasp, hot liquid splashing onto the floor while I struggled to stay upright through the ecstasy racing through my bloodstream.

One of the nurses, Larena, a younger woman from the planet of Falucia, was quick to scurry over with a towel at the ready, diving down to the floor to pick up the shattered ceramic.

“Are you alright Dr Jago?” she exclaimed. I sunk to the ground with her, straining to bring myself back into calm.

“Yeah… I’m fine,” I mumbled. “I’m so sorry. I’m just… a little too fatigued I guess.”

A hand touched my arm. “It’s alright,” Larena smiled soothingly. “This has to end sometime. We’ll get through it, one way or another.”

I made an effort to set an appreciative expression on my face, warmed by her kindness but still hopelessly rattled by what had just occurred. I had a presumption about what it might have been, but couldn’t let myself believe it was a possibility.

_What is happening to me?_

While picking up the pieces of broken porcelain, I heard the comm-system at the surveillance station ring out with an alert.

Larena and I both shot our faces towards the sound, then to each other.

“Sorry, I have to get that. I’ll be right back to clean this up,” I promised, rising unsteadily to a standing position and walking to the main holoscreen where an urgent message was blinking on the display.

‘ **Viral cure synthesis complete. Pharmacological treatment and vaccine approved for use. Rollout to begin within the hour.**

 **\- Bio lab.** ’

“Oh thank the _maker_ ,” I heaved. “They’ve finally got a cure ready.”


	19. Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter makes this story over 100,000 words long! Which is a pretty big feat for me, being my first fanfiction. And hoo boy we've still got a long way to go! Thank you to every single one of you who's taken time out of your life to read this horrendously slow burn of a story, I appreciate it more than you'll ever know <3

I had to give it to the First Order, they were nothing if not efficient.

Just as the message from the Bio lab had described, rollout of the viral cure and vaccine began within the hour, countless medical droids sent out from the laboratory with med-injectors at the ready.

While the vaccine provided immediate protection for those who received it, the medicinal treatment for patients already afflicted worked a lot slower. From the closest estimates, individuals who required ventilation would still take up to 48 hours to fully recover, simply depending on how severely damaged their organs had become.

Bacta infusions would help to repair their heart and lung tissues after the virus was fully cleared from their system, but there was still the issue of possible brain injury in those who had suffered through a cardiac arrest. Even the highest quality bacta wouldn’t fix that kind of injury. 

Knowing this, it was difficult not to hold my breath each time a patient finally woke from their unconsciousness, unsure if they would even remember their name.

Some did, some didn’t.

It was just another problem those left of us staffing the _Prestige_ ward had to confront while the next 24 hours ticked over. As the time passed, my exhaustion grew more difficult to suppress, even with the shortened naps I was afforded.

Soon, I was merely the shell of a human, certain my blood had been completely replaced with caf by the time the next night rolled around. The light at the end of the tunnel came in the return of a handful of doctors and nurses that were recently been cured of their viral symptoms and almost immediately ushered back into work.

Under normal circumstances I would have been horrified at these workers being made to attend to their duties so quickly, but Risha, myself and the rest of the _Prestige_ staff who somehow made it through the worst of this epidemic, were close to being incapable of forming fully coherent sentences, let alone saving someone’s life.

I didn’t completely remember the shuffled walk back to my quarters, letting my feet guide the way while my eyelids remained heavy over my sight. The fatigue was almost painful, my brain throbbing hard inside my skull. The ache still wasn’t intense enough to keep me awake, slipping easily into slumber as soon as my head hit the lumpy pillow of my bed. 

When I woke many hours later, having barely moved from the laying position on top of my quilt, I was still dressed in the uniform I’d worn for nearly three full days. Sitting up to look at the chronometer, it was early afternoon, calculating I’d remained asleep for at least 14 hours straight, a possible reason I felt a dizzying haze hover over me as I tried to stand. It took more than a few moments for my vision to become clear again, my muscles extremely displeased with the new movement, groggily making my way to the ‘fresher to wash the preceding 72 hours off my skin.

Leaning my forehead against the solid tile, in the searing stream of the shower, I became lost in thought, my mind drifting back to the _encounter_ in the supply closet.

Feeling the way I did now, so drained and subdued, it almost felt as if the Alexys who had stood so confidently in front of Kylo was a different person altogether. The power I had begun to feel in those minutes was somewhat foreign to me again, now struggling to comprehend how I’d been able to place my hands onto him without withering into panic.

It worried me, how easy it was to handle him like that. I couldn’t remember any time in my life where I’d been so brazen in what was essentially a public place.

Replaying the scene as I finished my cleansing routine and wrapped myself in a towel, vivid images of his face came crashing back into my mind, relishing all over again the way he had melted at my touch. I couldn’t deny, as much as I desperately wanted to, that I’d enjoyed every helpless moan that rumbled into my ears.

And I was already hopelessly impatient to hear more.

The way my heart hammered in my chest when he was near. How even the whisper of his breath hitting my skin sent irresistible shivers through my nerves. The iridescent current that shimmered every moment we connected by touch alone.

All of it impossible to forget.

It was clear, now more than ever. I wanted more of him than I was willing to admit.

“ _ **I’m glad you’ve finally come to that realisation**_ ,” her recognisable voice chimed in, interrupting my meditations.

Shock smacked me harshly as I came to a stop just outside of the ‘fresher, the hooded woman standing in the middle of my living space, eyes still concealed by the same tarnished brown cloak I recalled from her last visit.

“Am… Am I dreaming?” I blurted out, darting my vision around the woman’s figure, trying to sense anything amiss in the room surrounding us. Nothing seemed to be, and I let myself quickly study her shape in an attempt to understand how she’d appeared here so suddenly, looking so _real_.

She chuckled softly at me. “ _ **No Alexys. You’re not dreaming**_.”

“How are you here? Now?”

“ _ **I’ll explain it to you one day**_ ,” she began. “ _ **It’s not something you need to concern yourself with at this moment**_.”

I scoffed out loud, still reeling from her sudden entrance outside of the dreamscape inside my mind. “Well I’m still pretty concerned about it.”

The woman laughed at me again, seeming genuinely amused. “ _ **Well, I do apologise, but it is still not a discussion we can have yet**_.”

“Is there one we _can_ have?” I sneered. I didn’t need more vague notions of a future to come, I just wanted to get dressed and settle the hungered ache in my stomach.

“ _ **Why else would I be here**_?” She gestured to the two lounges that sat opposite a small table, signalling for me to sit with her.

I shuffled awkwardly where I stood, questioning why she chose this as a convenient time to bring about this conversation, wishing she’d at least waited until I had something more than a towel to cover my body.

“Wait,” I exclaimed suddenly. “There’s security cameras watching my every move. Aren’t they going to see you and I having this conversation? Because I’m still too tired to deal with having Kylo’s goons back here again.”

With and effortless grace, the woman sat down on the stiff pillow of the grey sofa, unaffected by my worries. “ _ **It’s taken care of Alex. They won’t see you, or me, and they won’t hear a word of what we say.**_ ”

“But-”

“ _ **Alex, sit down**_ ,” she snarled, reminded of how terrifying her voice could be when her temper rose. Although, I’d heard that tone too many times to be truly scared into submission by it.

Following her instruction out of pure curiosity, I wondered what could be so important that she decided to meet me face to face, and somehow make our interaction private.

I struggled to sit in a comfortable position on the lounge, my towel refusing to cover me properly, eventually finding a posture that allowed some of my decency to be maintained. Why I was bothering in front of this woman seemed silly though, still unsure if she was actual human being.

I waited for her to speak first, as the only thing floating through my mind being questions she would likely have no willingness to answer.

“ _ **There’s been a change in you**_ , _**one I’ve been waiting to observe for a long time**_ ,” she eventually stated, her tone serious.

I huffed. “Let me guess. Are you absolutely thrilled my attention is on anyone other than Poe Dameron?”

“ **Anyone? No Alex, it can’t be just anyone** ,” she corrected, her head slightly tilting upward so I could only see the faintest view of her eyes. “ _ **But that’s not what I was implying**_.”

I glowered at her, cursing at the innate ability she had to make her answers multiply into many more questions with so few words. 

_Maker this woman was infuriating._

Her mouth curved into a smile, only then remembering she had access to my thoughts.

“ _ **I know you’re frustrated. I am sorry I cannot remedy that feeling**_.”

“Can we just get this over with? I want to go back to real life.”

The woman’s smile dissolved, her somewhat light-hearted mood with it. “ _ **This**_ _ **is**_ _ **real life Alex**_ ,” she pressed, seemingly already irritated with my uncooperative attitude. “ _ **I wish you would realise I’m trying to help you, and the person you so deeply care about**_.”

I recalled what seemed like a distant memory of the warning she had given, right as I held back the urge to rush into Poe’s arms after the admittance of his feelings for me, feelings we shared but I remained afraid to embrace.

‘ _ **Don’t give in Alex. His life, and yours, depend on it**_.’

“ _ **Good. You remember**_ ,” the woman remarked. “ _ **But you still chose to ignore those words in the end**_.”

I tried to find her eyes under the shadow her hood casted, a familiar bitterness beginning to flourish towards this constant burden on my thoughts.

“You said before that you can’t interfere with my free will, but you seem to constantly want to control it.”

“ _ **It’s guidance, not control**_,” she countered, feeling her energy flare with irritation.

My glare became venomous. “I don’t consider driving me into submission by threats against our lives as very helpful guidance.”

“ _ **I am not the one who threatens your lives**_.”

“Then, who, or what, is?” I snapped, thoroughly fed up with her cryptic answers.

“ _ **You**_.”

I gritted my teeth in frustration. “Just tell me what you want me to do.”

“ _ **I have. You simply haven’t been listening**_.”

My resentment couldn’t be contained, having the immediate instinct to stand and vent my exasperation. Before the balls of my feet could plants themselves on the floor, I was completely locked into place by an invisible restraint around my limbs.

“ _ **Your anger is not beneficial in this conversation**_ ,” the woman scorned, barely an ounce of movement in her frame.

I’d not seen very many Force sensitive people in my lifetime, only having Kylo’s powers as a reference for how their abilities appear when utilised. He continually needed to apply gestures towards his targets, his hand always pointed in my direction when he’d wanted to cause any type of physical attack or restriction.

Which is why the sight of this stranger remaining perfectly still while her hold on me stayed crushingly strong, caused a profound surge of unease to trace through my body.

The hooded woman waited until I’d stopped trying to struggle against her invisible grip before speaking again, her only motion the exhale of her breath.

“ _ **Your choices are so important from here Alex. And it is only you who can make them**_.”

I tried to calm both my temper and anxiety, wishing I had more control of my emotions. “The way you speak… the things you say… it feels as if the choices have already been made. That I’m going to be forced to walk a path that is already laid out for me,” I said quietly, a solemness to my voice I hadn’t intended to be there.

She dipped her head lower, conceding to my statement. “ _ **It is true, you have a destiny to fulfil. The path to it is winding and intricate, a journey only you can walk. And it will be so easy to stray… as you’ve already done**_.”

“I was only following what I knew, in my heart, that I wanted.”

Visions of Poe simmered into my mind, recalling how _excruciating_ it had been to keep my feelings towards him at bay, the lightness I’d felt when I finally let that barrier down. There was such an undeniable rush of enchantment I could still feel deep in my bones when I thought of his face, his smile, his voice.

A sudden thought bloomed, a compulsion to dream of a future with Poe. I hadn’t allowed myself to consider it before, too frightened of the possibility that it would never come to fruition. 

I never realised how strongly I hoped for one.

If we were able to overcome all the obstacles that stood in our way, if somehow the war came to an end and we could live in the calm surroundings of a tranquil planet together, just like his parents did.

I saw me gently patching up his wounds when he was inevitably caught in the middle of some kind of conflict. Placing soft kisses over his injuries as if it actually helped to heal them.

I envisioned sitting in front of him in the pilot seat of an X-wing, guiding my hands over the controls, attempting to teach me the thing he was the best in the galaxy at. Hearing him chuckle at my initial panic while he slowly released his grip from the flight stick, leaving the ship under my command.

I pictured waking up to a new morning with him every day. Having his arms wrapped tight around me, the warmth of his breath brushing over my skin before placing a gentle kiss on my neck, clutching me closer into his chest, feeling as peaceful and whole as I had fleetingly on Raxus.

Each visualisation made my chest throb harder with despair, realising how truly unattainable it all was.

“Why is it so wrong of me to want that? To want to be with him?”

“ _ **It shouldn’t be Alex, I understand that. But the future you long for doesn’t exist, and it never will**_.” Her words were soft, almost compassionate, as if remorseful about having to bring me this truth.

The remaining slivers of anger began to melt into sadness, tears threatening to leak from my eyes. “Is it my destiny to live a life of solitude? Never being able to experience real and lasting… _happiness_?”

There was another word I wanted to say, one I knew I was beginning to feel the roots of planting itself within me. All I wished for was to let it grow, to be given the chance to nurture it, allow it flourish and take over the previously barren desert of my soul.

“ _ **You will. That I can promise. But it will not be with him**_.”

A lone tear spilled from the duct. “Please. _Please_ tell me why.”

“ _ **If you continue forging this bond, the one that pulls you away from your true path… he, and so many others, will perish**_.”

She said the words so certainly, full of significance, and they caused an intense weight to crush down on my frame, making me breathless, as if all oxygen had escaped from my circulation.

“He… he will _die_? People will _die_? Because of me?” I choked out, unable to prevent more tears from slipping down my cheeks.

She nodded slowly, my lungs harder to fill with air, the overwhelming thought of Poe’s life being ripped from existence filling me with a searing agony that extended to every part of my body.

“ _ **The power you command, it will be incalculably important in the time to come**_.”

“I don’t want this,” I lamented. “I don’t want any of this.”

The woman sighed in a melancholy way, peering towards the floor.

“ _ **Some of us do not get a choice in our fate**_.”

It was difficult not to be drowned by the flood of gloom that came coursing through my mind. Hopeless, dragged to a fate I didn’t want to meet. Caught in an overpowering river current, gradually losing my will to fight back against the stream.

It was time… Time to give in and let the flow take me wherever it was leading. 

I was so sick of feeling this way, so overruled by these emotions. Tormented by them. Maybe, with this woman’s help, I might be free of the suffering.

“What do I need to do?” I questioned, striving to bring myself back into equilibrium against the sorrow that pulsed inside.

The pressure over my limbs began to retreat, allowing my movement again. While I still couldn’t see her eyes past the cover of her hood, I could feel a firm gaze press firmly into mine.

“ _ **Make your escape, off of this ship. That is your first move**_.”

It was difficult not to scoff at her statement. “Like that’s meant to be easy? The Resistance aren’t exactly racing to help me.”

“ _ **No. It will not be easy. And, it’s true, they will not assist you. I said to make**_ _ **your**_ _ **escape**_.”

“But… I have no idea where to start, how to begin,” I insisted.

The hint of a smile touched her lips. “ _ **You already have**_.”

My mind was quickly saturated with memories of the darkened supply closet. A singular thought, a fleeting concept I’d had no time to dwell on now simmering to the surface. 

_Kylo_.

His infatuation, his jealousy, and my denial of his craving. There was an inexplicable _power_ I had over him, an innate ability to break down his usually constant guard.

I needed to figure out how I could use it for my own gain.

“The one who’s keeping me here? He’s my way out?” I confirmed, wondering if I would even be able to continue the perplexing hold of fascination he had towards me.

“ _ **Wonderfully ironic, isn’t it**_?” the woman mused.

I scowled, not finding the notion the slightest bit as amusing as she did. But that expression faded into worry as I began to feel a creeping edge of doubt.

“I don’t know if I can keep deceiving someone, even him, like… _that_. It’s not something I’ve had to accomplish before. Pretending to have those _desires_ … I’m not sure it’s something I’m capable of.”

She let out a vexed exhale, along with a subtle shake of her head. “ _ **Oh Alexys. I wish you would finally let yourself embrace it. Stop pushing away what you’ve already come to realise**_.”

I swallowed hard, eyes narrowing. “I don’t. I don’t want him.”

“ _ **Stop it**_ ,” the woman scolded, rising out of her seated position, the table between us being thrust away like it weighed nothing as she moved gracefully to tower over me. I caught the smallest glimpse of her eyes as she looked down, believing I could see her irises shine a shimmering green. “ _ **Stop trying to refute what I have already observed within your thoughts**_.”

Seething a breath through my teeth, I knew I couldn’t deny what she had seen.

“It’s not the same! The way my body reacts, it’s… chemical, completely biological. Whatever I _feel_ for him, it doesn’t go deeper than that.”

“ _ **Does it need to**_?”

Her question made me suspend any attempt of a response, not having anything to contradict it. I glanced away from her stare, trying to come up with an appropriate reply, soon beginning to realise there wasn’t one.

“ _ **You’ve matured into an impeccable liar over these years. Living your life under the cover of constant deception, you’ve become an expert in this skill to keep yourself safe. Now it is time to employ it for a greater benefit**_ ,” she persisted.

_Was that true?_

I thought of the countless lies I had spoken over my lifetime, trying to think of a time I was unable to convince someone of the fabrication I needed them to perceive. It had never occurred to me that I’d become so… _good_ at it.

“So that’s it then? Make him believe that I want him? That will get me out of here?”

The woman nodded, but I could see her serious expression even in shadow. “ _ **You will need to keep the advantage in your dynamic. He needs to be vulnerable, and you need to be the one he deems worthy of causing it. And that, Alex, will be the most difficult task**_.”

“I… I think I can do it,” I affirmed, trying to fill myself with a deepened confidence, one I would need to grow if I ever had a chance of seeing this through.

“ _ **I**_ _ **know**_ _ **you can**_ ,” the woman reinforced, her voice strong with determination. “ _ **You will know when the opportunities present themselves. Be calculated about your actions. Do not waste them**_.”

I peered up at the woman, eyeing the features of her face that I was afforded to see, noticing the slimness of her jaw, the petite shape of her nose, the delicate outline of her lips. There was nothing particularly extraordinary about these characteristics, yet they felt memorable to me, like I’d seen them in my dreams all my life.

“Okay,” I breathed. “I’ll do what I need to do.”

“ _ **That is extremely reassuring to hear. I do hope that resolve holds strong**_. _ **I will be here to remind you of the consequences if you choose to stray away again**_ ,” she cautioned, her menacing tone sending a lasting tremor of dread through my muscles, even when she slipped out of existence in front of my eyes.

All trace of her energy was gone, but the effects of her words were now reverberating inside, my hands gripping tightly into the cushions I was sitting on to keep myself stable.

But it was no use, the bleakness I had begun to feel, knowing I could be the one to bring about the deaths of beings I’d sworn to save from harm, including the human I would never be allowed to see a future with; it made me feel overwhelmingly nauseated.

I ran quickly back to the ‘fresher, fingers grasping harshly into the metal as I dry heaved into the sink, having nothing to expel from my stomach. Tears started to sting my eyes as the sickening feeling refused to relinquish its influence over me.

This time I allowed the salted droplets to fall without obstruction, surrendering myself to the grief for a future I wish I’d never imagined, an existence I’d never even comprehended having before Poe crashed onto my doorstep. Yet now, I wanted it more than anything else in the universe.

How was I ever going to face him again, knowing what I knew now? How could I ever begin to let him go, leaving behind what might have been the beginnings of our life together?

As my sobbing eventually began to diminish, chest still feeling tight with anguish, I pulled one of my hands to wipe away the still seeping tears, and peered up towards the mirror, taking in the miserable image that looked back at me.

My cheeks were flushed with a splotchy redness, the same one that spread around my eyes, hair still slightly damp from the shower and horribly dull in the harsh light of the ‘fresher.

The face that stared back wasn’t one I recognised.

I wasn’t this person. So weak, so pitifully controlled by her emotions.

My years on Raxus felt so distant now, wondering how I spent so long being able to maintain my detached demeanour.

Was I happy then?

No. I wasn’t, not really.

But I certainly wasn’t ever drenched by these waves of sorrow, the ones that pounded against me incessantly in this moment.

If I were ever going to accomplish what the woman wanted, what so many people allegedly depended on, I had to cast aside this pathetic being I’d somehow let myself become.

I needed to be stronger. Stronger than I’d ever been before.

The type of person that Kylo Ren wouldn’t be able to resist.

*

I offered my assistance to the Prestige ward later that evening, having received enough sleep to render me capable of resuming competent work again, while also feeling too restless to stay within my quarters for too long. They accepted my offer enthusiastically, knowing I had a background knowledge of almost all of the patients the ward currently accommodated.

On my arrival, a fresh uniform wrapping my frame, I noticed how many of them were now breathing of their accord, the staff numbers flittering around the space also having significantly risen from when I was here last.

“Alexys!” I heard Irwin call as he exited from behind a curtain. “Back so soon?”

I noticed the slight sallowness of his usually tanned skin, a dusky colour in the skin underneath his eyes. It was actually comforting to see him, glad the virus hadn’t managed to impact his health too significantly.

“I should be saying that to you,” I smiled. “How are you feeling?”

“Well enough to be here apparently,” he replied cynically, though I could sense in his tone he was relieved to be one of the few who’d made it though unscathed. “But yeah, I’m feeling a lot better. I heard you guys had a pretty low death rate in here. Nice work.”

“That wasn’t my doing,” I stressed. “The skeleton staff who were here before me did all the work. I just happened to be here after the worst of it.”

“Well that makes more sense,” Irwin mocked, chuckling softly. Normally I would have rolled my eyes at his childish ridicule, but I genuinely enjoyed his effort at lightening the dampened mood around us. 

“These people should be grateful you were incapacitated. Who knows what our mortality rate would look like then?” I playfully patted his shoulder, and Irwin imitated an offended grimace. “I am glad you are okay, really.”

He dipped his head in appreciation. “Me too. Wasn’t a pleasant experience, to say the least.”

“At least it’s over now.”

We both regarded each other in silent relief for a moment, before Irwin gestured towards the surveillance station. “Come on, I’ll give you a run down of everyone’s current status.”

Walking together to the main holoscreen, I felt an inquisitive aura around Irwin’s body, as if he was poised to ask some kind of question. But he didn’t raise it, soon turning his attention to bringing up the patient information files on the display and launching into a full handover of how everyone was travelling after their viral remedy.

Only 3 were still left to be extubated, which was likely to happen within the next couple of hours. Bacta infusions had been set up at almost every bedside, the vitals I saw showing remarkable improvement, barely an observation out of normal parameters.

There were still a few patients who were having cognitive symptoms from unavoidable brain damage the virus had caused, with memory and fine movement being the most common issue.

It was the most stable I had seen the ward since before the virus had first started to appear, the warm glow of relief trickling though me as Irwin spoke.

Eventually I was shown the updated progress notes of Cardo, who’d woken earlier this morning, and my attention was immediately tempted by the thought of visiting the Knight under the excuse of a routine examination, eager to see what he was actually like without illness rendering him comatose.

“I might start with the patient in Room 2,” I informed Irwin after he’d finished speaking, picking up one of the datapads before veering to make my way to the private room.

“Okay, I have to ask,” Irwin started, making me stop and turn to face him. “A few of the nurses were saying we had a visit by the Supreme Leader while you were on duty. That true?”

I narrowed my eyes in suspicion. 

_Damn gossipy nurses_.

“Yes, that’s correct. He wished to check on the status of his Knight.”

“They said he had actually asked for your whereabouts, not that patient’s.”

I didn’t let the interest in that fact show on my face. “He also had a small matter to discuss with me.”

Irwin waited for me to continue, his hand gesturing with his palm upwards as if to prompt further explanation.

“And that matter was…?” he verbalised.

“ _Private_ ,” I answered flatly.

I understood why he was so puzzled about Kylo wanting to speak with me directly, since it was still only Risha that knew the status of my captivity. But I continued to be under strict orders not to let that truth be common knowledge.

Irwin looked at me curiously, obviously a person who didn’t like to be left out of the loop. “Risha told one of the nurses he took his helmet off in front of you, is _that_ true?”

_Dammit Risha. Not you too_.

I hoped it was sleep deprivation that caused her to divulge that piece of information.

“Yes, that’s correct.” In my tone I tried to imply I didn’t have anymore to say about this topic, but Irwin either didn’t recognise it or simply didn’t care.

“Why are you acting like that’s not a big deal?”

I shrugged casually. “He has a face, and I saw it, so what?”

“You really don’t see how _bizarre_ that is, do you?” Irwin stressed, his eyebrows creasing together.

“I guess I don’t.”

It was clear his nosiness wasn’t even slightly abated by my answer, but I assumed he’d finally figured out I wasn’t about to confess anything more about our interaction when he was silent for a few moments. I was about to leave again when Irwin chimed in one more tentative question.

“What… what does he look like?”

I thought of Kylo’s face, reminded of the strikingly attractive man who hid his visage under the cover of metal.

“Angry. Just… angry.”

Irwin seemed vaguely annoyed with my answer, clearly hoping to have even more salacious rumours to spread around the ward. I was simply glad no one had managed to catch the sight of Kylo and I retreating to the closet for the rest of our discussion, feeling entirely sure I would have struggled to explain my way out of that scenario.

Taking the lull in conversation as an opportunity to leave, I made my way quickly to Cardo’s room, hearing a muffled exchange emanating from the space as I got closer. Cautiously, I stepped towards the open door, stopping next to the entry, trying to listen for who might be visiting my patient.

“Supposedly we’re set to descend in a week’s time,” I heard an unfamiliar male voice inform, too unblemished to be Cardo’s.

“Hope Ren knows what he’s getting himself into. An attack like this is going to _piss off_ half of the galaxy.”

I knew instantly that was the voice of the man I’d worried incessantly about keeping alive, his speech gravelly and hoarse.

“It was going to happen sooner or later. This doesn’t seem like one of his usual impulsive decisions,” Vicrul pointed out, the recognisable tone slightly mocking of his leader.

I heard the unknown person let out an amused exhale. “You’re not wrong. Maybe he’s finally adapting to his new role. He has become a lot more level-headed nowadays.” 

“I would have agreed with you if I hadn’t been around him the last few days,” Vicrul grumbled.

While the unnamed voice hummed in agreement, Cardo seemed confused by the statement. “Huh? What’d I miss?”

“Something’s eating him. He’s been…”

“A grumpy _asshole_ ,” Vicrul finished bitterly. “It’s not taking much to set him off at the moment.”

“Could be because of this whole virus situation,” Cardo croaked. “Reckon’ it would have annoyed the _frack_ outta him havin’ to deal with half this ship being out for the count.”

“That didn’t seem to be the problem. He appeared perfectly fine when I asked about the status of the outbreak yesterday.” The unfamiliar voice sounded thoughtful, almost concerned.

“Well whatever it is, he needs to get over it already. I _really_ don’t need him reverting back to that volatile 23-year-old we had to deal with on Varnak,” Vicrul muttered.

Cardo laughed, the crackles in his lungs still evident. “None of us need that. So... Anyone gone an’ asked him what the problem is?”

“Kuruk did make an effort to speak with him in private after he knocked Trudgen unconscious in training this morning,” the unnamed man explained. “It was obvious he was taking out whatever frustration he has on us.”

“And?”

“He refused to admit anything was wrong.”

“Well, I think he’s still bothered by the doctor. The fact he hasn’t figured out how to weasel inside her mind yet must be driving him insane,” Vicrul declared. “Never seen him so angry than after he first interrogated her.”

I finally took attention of my own thoughts then, interested to hear this fragment of information about Kylo’s reaction to my mental block.

The other two men rumbled a sound in agreement, Cardo soon recalling a memory after our first meeting I wasn’t privy to.

“Poor droid never saw that temper tantrum coming.”

“Hm… you could be right Vicrul,” the unidentified Knight concurred. “But I don’t think it’s something we can pry out of him this time.”

There were a few beats of thoughtful silence between the Knights before they began to speak about other matters, and I was stuck in my position against the wall, digesting the information I’d captured without them knowing.

As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t stay secretly listening forever, a nurse no doubt coming by soon to eye me warily.

Waiting another few minutes while the men casually conversed, I made the few steps to appear in the entry way, setting myself in my most professional disposition.

Before I even got the chance to introduce myself properly, Vicrul was already bursting out with my name.

“Ah! Alex! I was wondering if you were lurking around here somewhere.”

“It’s nice to see you again Vicrul,” I nodded at him with a smile. “I’ve only just come back on shift.”

“This is the doctor,” he clarified to the others, looking directly to Cardo. “She’s the one who stuck the tube down your throat.”

My eyes widened at the Knight, his brazenness alarming me for a moment. Settling back into composure, I walked forward to Cardo’s bedside, my hand reaching to greet him with a handshake.

“Alexys Jago,” I introduced. “I’m the one who _happened_ to put you on a ventilator.”

He gripped my hand immediately and wrenched into a squeezing embrace, his short, auburn beard tickling my neck as he hugged me. After letting go, I gawked back at the man, glancing over his shaved hair and lightened skin, seeing for the first time his hazel eyes looking back at me.

“Thanks for keeping this heart tickin’!” he smirked. “Hope I didn’t cause too much trouble for ya.”

“Nothing I couldn’t handle.” I stepped back from the bed, still slightly unsettled by Cardo’s easy-going greeting, and looked up to the man who’d been the third participant in the conversation I’d overheard.

The slender figure learned upright against the wall across from me, dressed similarly to Vicrul, blackened fabric of a slightly stained cloak draping over his shape, the hood sitting atop his head. I’d seen his face from a distance, remembering it from the training session I witnessed, pointed features currently set with an expression of intrigue.

“So this is the doctor we’ve heard so much about,” he surmised, grey eyes scanning me up and down, before bluntly addressing me with his name. “Ap’lek.”

I dipped my head curtly at him, sensing a cautious edge in his aura. Focusing back to Cardo, I smothered the urge to fire off an infinite cascade of questions regarding the mysterious men I was surrounded by.

“I just wanted to check in on you. See how you were traveling after extubation.”

“Hurts a little to talk, other than that I’m feelin’ alright,” he described. Numbers on the monitor verified his statement, grasping the stethoscope from around my neck.

“Do you mind if I take a listen to your lungs?”

“Go for it.”

It was evident he’d already been through this process a few times, quickly leaning forward in the bed to allow me access to his back. Without hesitation I pulled up the fabric of his hospital shirt and placed the chestpiece against the skin.

There were still the remnants of crackles inside his chest, but significantly less pronounced than when I’d first listened to his breaths.

I moved away once I’d finished the assessment, letting him settle back into his sitting position and moving to check the machine running his bacta infusion.

“Well, you’re almost ready to be discharged,” I confirmed. “Just have to let the infusion finish, then you’ll be good to go.”

“When can he start training again?” Ap’lek interjected.

My eyes darted to his serious expression, his face careful not to indicate any emotion. “I’d give it another 24 hours, at the very least.” I twisted to face Vicrul. “Although, I can speculate my advice will be taken as a guideline, not an order.”

“I didn’t rip your sutures,” he defended with a subtle smirk. “That’s all that matters, right?”

I rolled my eyes. “Anyway, I’ll be back when the infusion is completed. You’ve only got two hours left.”

“Sure thing,” Cardo smiled, and it filled me with a noticeable relief to see him looking so healthy again.

Just before making my way out of the room, Vicrul’s voice caused me to pause in the doorway.

“I assume we’ll be seeing you on Zhellday then?”

“Huh?” I queried, swivelling my head back towards him. “What are you talking about?”

“The _gala_. The one Hux is insisting the First Order throws to commemorate the end of the outbreak.”

Ap’lek sighed. “It’s _actually_ to reward the medical personnel for their hard work during the epidemic.”

“Whatever, it’s a celebration all the same,” Vicrul countered. “You're one of those ‘medical personnel’, so you’ll be coming, right?”

My eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. “I hadn’t even heard about it. But I presume the Supreme Leader wouldn’t allow a hostage to partake in those kinds of… _festivities_.”

“Oh he’ll be too irritated at having to finally show up for once to care. I think you’ll slip under his radar,” he affirmed.

I knew instantly that wasn’t true, but I was more distracted by the opportunity I could sense presenting itself to me.

“He doesn’t usually join you for these things?”

I saw Ap’lek shake his head. “This will be the first. But ascending to the rank of Supreme Leader comes with its own set of undesirable responsibilities.”

I hummed in contemplation, trying not to show the commotion of thoughts running through my mind.

“So? We’ll see you there?” Vicrul reiterated. “I was hoping you could, uh, introduce me to some of the nurses from this ward.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” I smirked, somewhat charmed by his eagerness to mingle with the staff I’d come to feel affection for.

My feet were quick to move under me once I’d calmly exited out of Cardo's room, scurrying towards the main holoscreen and accessing the comm-link. Risha’s face soon appeared on the display, yawning out of her sleepy haze with an expression of worry.

“What? What’s wrong? Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine Risha. I just have a favour to ask,” I said urgently, slightly guilty I’d disrupted her sleep.

But right now, I was too impatient to start putting my plan into motion.

Another yawn escaped her, and she rubbed her eyes to coax them into opening properly. “Sure Alex, what can I help you with?”

“I need to borrow a dress.”


	20. The Gala

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First point, holy bananas this chapter took me longer than I expected. Longest word count to date, and. it. was. painstaking. I did a buttload of overtime at my job so finding time was a little tricky, but we're here now! Oh, if you're here in the first 24 hours of this being posted - there will be oh so many typos. I'm kind of a post now, re-read and edit later, because I'm impatient as heck and would rather just get the flaw-filled chapter out ASAP :)
> 
> Second point, need reference for Alexys' and Risha's dresses? Links below!
> 
> [Alexys](https://paolosebastian.com/collections/2019-20-autumn-winter-couture-collection/psaw1906)  
> [Risha (But imagine it's purely black for the sake of this story)](https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0117/4949/0784/articles/Ralph_Russo_AW15_Look-39_Web_1280x.jpg?v=1568824491)

“Risha, I don’t know if I can do this.”

It was early Zhellday evening, two days after I’d been told of the First Order gala I currently found myself dressed for.

Truthfully, I was starting to panic.

“What? What can’t you do?” Risha called from the ‘fresher, placing the last touches of her make-up before she would have to attempt mine.

Standing in her bedroom, eyes scanning over my form in a full length mirror, I studied the gown now adorning my shape. Risha had _insisted_ I borrow this specific piece from her surprisingly sizeable collection, telling me she’d never had the confidence to wear it herself.

And I could completely understand why.

Made of a delicately sheer fabric coloured to a deepened red, one of the two colours we were permitted to wear, the exposure of skin I displayed was far from demure. The neckline of the bodice was extremely low, two lines of bunched material sitting over my shoulders and contouring very precariously over my breasts, the layers twisting over each other at the cinch of my waist and falling into a loose, flowing skirt.

That alone would have been somewhat difficult to cope with, but the two thigh high slits that revealed almost all of my legs whenever I moved to walk were what had sparked a stomach-turning edginess.

I twisted to gaze at the intricate pattern of thick black lace that sat each side of my waist, eyeing the two trains of thin dotted gossamer shadowing down my back, having no doubt I would trip over one of them by the end of the night.

“Wear _this_ … in public,” I fretted. “Doesn’t it seem a bit ostentatious?”

I could hear her muted laugh behind the wall that separated us. “You said it was perfect when you first tried it on.”

“I know.”

I recalled our own show of dress-ups in the morning after my shift, trying to find a perfect outfit to inspire the height of temptation from a particularly complicated man.

I didn’t know anything about what he liked, what he would be enticed by. _Hell_ , I barely knew anything about him at all. It was evident my headspace during those few hours was clearly a lot different to the terrified one I found myself in now.

“We’re meant to be professionals. How is anyone going to take me seriously after they see me like this?”

I could hear Risha’s heels clacking on the tiled floor as she made her way out. While she stood in the doorway I became caught in a stunned wave of disbelief at how the woman in front of me was the same who slipped calmly into my cell so many weeks ago.

A figure-hugging black gown was draped elegantly over her slim figure, silky velvet extending down her arms, the plunging V-neck making me feel only slightly less self-conscious about my own bust being flaunted. She made a point of gliding a leg out of the singular thigh split in her dress, crossing her arms.

“We’re not _just_ our jobs Alex,” she said sharply. “Just because we dress a little more provocative for an evening doesn’t erase the intelligent women we are, and how good we are at our jobs.”

My eyebrows raised as I smiled, impressed. “I didn’t know the First Order kept such a feminist in their employ.”

Risha rolled her eyes at me. “Don’t tell me you disagree.”

“Of course not,” I insisted, before turning to gesture at the mirror my reflection still bounced off. “But this is a little more than provocative… right?”

She looked at me curiously, moving to join me in front of the mirror, standing at my side. “What’s changed? You seemed enamoured by the chance to wear it yesterday morning.”

“Maybe the _idea_ of doing something is easier to handle than _actually_ going through with it.”

There was simply no denying the fact I was nervous, stomach tumbling at the thought of what I’d planned on accomplishing this evening.

I desperately wanted to transform back into that enticing seductress I’d been in the supply closet, the one who wouldn’t be even faintly concerned about stepping out in a piece of clothing like this. A woman who would wear it with all the sophistication and confidence that, right now, seemed so far away.

But she hadn’t shown herself, and I was _terrified_ she never would again.

Risha bumped light-heartedly into me. “Don’t take everything so seriously. It’s just a dress. And you look lovely in it.”

I took a composing breath. “I guess I’m just a little anxious.”

Turning to secure our stares together, I tried to convey in my expression the profound appreciation for her presence in my life, so thankful in this moment it was her who had been sent to care for my blaster wounds.

My eyes wandered, seeing her accentuated features up close with makeup so skilfully set. Lips were dyed a bold plum colour, shimmering silver eyeshadow blended effortlessly on her lids, wings of deep black flicked from the outer corner sharp enough to cut glass.

“Risha, my goodness. You look… _incredible_.”

She smiled bashfully at me, looking to the floor. Yet again it was obvious Risha wasn’t used to receiving that kind of compliment.

“Come on, let’s get started on your make-up and hair,” she subverted, grabbing my hand and leading me to the ‘fresher, the counter laid out with an array of dainty brushes and brightly coloured cosmetics.

“How frequently are these kinds of events held? You seem to be awfully prepared for it,” I noticed, letting Risha guide me to a small stool, settling down onto it. A blank canvas ready to be painted.

She plucked a balm of some kind from the crowd of small bottles and continued to smooth the cream gently onto my face.

“Not exceedingly often, seeing as how expensive they would be to hold. The First Order don’t really do things by halves. But that’s why I, and countless others, have been waiting and preparing ourselves just in case another was announced. Haven’t you seen how happy the other staff in the _Prestige_ appeared the last few days?”

My eyebrows crinkled together in thought for a few beats, recalling how delighted the atmosphere was in the ward today.

“Why?”

I didn’t want to be too naïve in asking how something as seemingly trivial as a gala could incite so much anticipation, so I left the rest of that question on my tongue.

“I suppose you haven’t lived on this ship, or with the First Order, for long enough to notice. We don’t observe _any_ holidays, except for Empire Day. Even birthdays aren’t really noted, since so many on this ship are either unable to remember or a part of Project Resurrection. Celebrations of all kinds are few and far between, so events like this are an exciting novelty.”

“I see,” I breathed, mulling over Risha’s words.

She didn’t know it, but I was in much the same position. It has been so long since I’d enjoyed any sort of celebration or joyful gathering. My own birthday had been but another day in the Galactic Calendar, one I usually spent in completely the same way as the rest.

Alone.

And while I’d been invited to countless weddings and name-days on Raxus over the years, being away from my clinic for too long was too risky, so I’d never made the trip to attend them.

“Also,” Risha added, mixing a heavy white fluid to her darkened foundation, attempting to match my porcelain skin tone. “This is one of the few times we get a chance to… _mingle_ with people from the rest of the ship.”

I watched as a sly smile crept slowly across her lips.

“So, when you say mingle, you mean…?”

A softened chuckle escaped. “It seems like you already know the answer Alex.”

I raised an inquisitive eyebrow as Risha began to coat the prepared liquid onto my cheeks, my slightly stunned silence making her giggle even more.

“You really think we’re all mindless robots, don’t you?”

I shook my head quickly, worried I’d offended her. She batted my face with the brush, indicating for me to stay still. “No! Of course not! I promise that’s not what I was trying to imply.”

“I know,” she smiled down at me. “I’ll admit, I assumed the same before I began my training here. The First Order likes to evoke a front they’ve created a perfect military force that couldn’t _possibly_ be tempted by basic needs. But we’re humans, and humans like to _fuck_.”

I coughed out a breath, caught completely off-guard by her cussing, before peering up to her amused expression.

“Is that what you’re hoping for tonight?”

She shrugged one of her shoulders. “I’ll see where the night takes me.”

I didn’t have any more of a reply, still in quiet disbelief at the true reason behind the thrill I’d felt in the air around me today. The next few minutes were spent in silence as I pondered why the idea of those who worked for the First Order looking for… _companionship_ , was so peculiar to me.

The concept warred so heavily with all the preconceived notions I’d had about this ship and the people who lived here. I assumed they’d simply adapted to a life without needing to submit to biological urges, learning to live without paying them any attention, much like I had before-

“Stop looking so _serious_ Alex,” Risha interjected. “Tonight is supposed to be the one time we can actually have some fun.”

I gave my best attempt at a cheery grin, trying hard to suppress any thought of _the pilot_ from surfacing. Knowing what I needed to do, what I had to somehow achieve in the hours that followed, I couldn’t bear to think of him and our non-existent future.

She wasn’t fooled. “What’s wrong?”

I inhaled a calming breath, letting the air slither slowly out of my lungs.

“Risha… have you ever been drawn to someone you didn’t actually… like?”

She immediately fell to a crouching position, snatching both of my forearms within her grasp. “Who!?”

Yet swiftly after she posed the question, my face obviously a telling image of the person I’d phrased my query about, she shook me harshly, eyes wide with excitement.

“I _knew_ it! I knew there was a reason he showed his face to you!”

“N-no! That’s not who I was-”

“Alex, you don’t have to lie,” she cut in, her tone suddenly stern. “You can trust me. I promise.”

Our gazes locked, glistening green eyes staring back at me, my mind tearing at the seams. I was constantly on edge in knowing the First Order were always waiting in the shadows, instinct pressing me to keep my thoughts internal.

But there was something about Risha’s energy, sensing only the genuineness in her assertion, that tore down my usual defences.

“There’s something between us… Something I can’t explain,” I whispered, pushing against the voice in my head that demanded I stay silent.

She seemed somewhat surprised I’d confessed, mouth slipping open. “Wait, really? I thought I was going _mad_.”

“You already suspected something? When?”

“The minute he ordered a doctor to care for a hostage. I’ve been here for years, and neither he, or Snoke, have _ever_ asked to have their captives be tended to like that.”

“There’s more to it than you think,” I insisted. “But…”

Risha’s expression fell. “But you can’t tell me, can you?”

“I don’t want to get you caught up in this. If I could tell you more, I would,” I persisted, my voice soft.

With a gentle smile, she dipped her head in acknowledgment. Rising again, her fingers plucked an angled brush, swiping it across a dark powder before beginning to precisely graze it over my cheeks.

“He must be rather attractive under that helmet for you to be so tense.”

“That’s _not_ the reason why.”

“Sure it isn’t, Alex.”

*

Moving through the durasteel corridors of the _Finalizer_ in my completed ensemble, hair curled into tumbling waves, lips painted a bold scarlet, I was gripped by an unprecedented courage.

I wasn’t able to think of a moment I’d looked more tempting in my life. Every curve and contour of my body and face outlined by fabric or makeup. There was truly nothing more I could do to make myself more appealing. In the physical sense at least. 

We weren’t alone in our journey to the Grand Hall. Countless others sauntered along beside us, all chattering in anticipation for the evening to come.

Risha had _insisted_ on making a late entrance, her justification being the first hour of these events were always horribly boring as people relaxed into the unfamiliar surroundings.

My crimson heels clicked on the metal, still adjusting to this particular type of footwear, eyes drifting over the lavishly dressed individuals around me. I marvelled at how many different shades of red and black had been utilised within the flowing gowns and dashing formal coats.

It settled more of my unease to see other women baring a similar amount of skin to what I currently had on show. Although, a sizeable amount covered the exposure with ornate jewellery wrapped around their arms and ankles, chests glittered with twinkling gems encased in silver or aurodium, giving the illusion of a more modest, yet captivating, appearance. 

Risha had offered some pieces to me, but I hadn’t picked this dress only to cover what I was trying to accentuate.

As we neared the hall, I could hear the beginnings of orchestral music emanating out the large double doors. A small contingent of armoured Stormtroopers stood guard, scanning over guests as they entered, checking for weapons.

I was chuckling to myself at how redundant it was for them to scan me, being utterly impossible to hide anything underneath this small amount of thin fabric, when I heard a turbo-lift slide open behind us.

Immediately, I sensed the buzz of recognisable energies hum in the space, one of them giving off a particularly petulant atmosphere.

I took a prolonged breath as they moved closer, fortifying as much strength and determination I could muster within my body.

_I can do this._

While the group of waiting guests, including Risha, began to step back and make an unobstructed path for their Supreme Leader, I maintained my position, waiting for the perfect moment to shift and face the advancing enclave.

My movements were slow, precise, brushing the bouncing waves of my hair lusciously over my shoulders. A charming smile spread across my lips as I looked towards the masked man.

It took the flicker of moment for Kylo to notice my figure, another to fully comprehend the woman who now stood before him.

His reaction, while physically unseen under metal, quickly billowed into the air around his shape. Swiftly, he pulled it back under the cover of his mind, obviously wanting to conceal it from the Force-sensitive entourage behind him.

Even with his prompt retraction, I’d felt it so intensely, so clearly, the animalistic _craving_ that gripped every part of him. The longing to touch a single finger to the skin that was so exposed.

My heart thumped through a few pounding beats, relieved all of this effort had brought about _exactly_ the outcome I’d hoped for.

Kylo stopped his march a few steps from where I stood, each Knight behind him following suit within the next instant. I caught the gradual tensing of his right hand as he clenched it tightly into a fist.

“What are you doing here?” he seethed, the words coming out harsh and bitter, making the unmasked men at his rear vaguely confused. I saw Vicrul roll his eyes, while Ap’lek shifted to whisper something into the ear of a Knight I hadn’t been introduced to yet, his angular face fraught with suspicion.

“I’m here to enjoy your festivities, Supreme Leader,” I answered sweetly.

He was already struggling to hold down the aura that longed radiate out. “I don’t recall including _prisoners_ as part of these celebrations.”

It was interesting, even with all these people around us, that he didn’t bother to hide the fact I was his captive.

“I was under the assumption this gala was to honour the medical personnel who worked so tirelessly to keep your Order alive. A group you made it a strict directive I be a part of.”

I eyed the man I remembered as Ushar putting an impressed smirk onto his features, his energy emitting subtle amusement.

Kylo couldn’t have been further from that mood. “You haven’t _earnt_ the privilege of being here.”

I had to stop myself from smiling wider, knowing the word he’d used wasn’t a coincidence.

“Uh, she did _technically_ keep Cardo alive,” Vicrul pointed out.

“Yeah she did!” Cardo concurred, his voice finally clear of the roughness he’d had on his discharge from the ward. “That not worth a night off?”

Kylo’s head shot immediately towards his subordinates, anger flaring at their audacity to involve themselves in the conversation. “Anyone could have done what she did.”

“Then why tell me to get Cardo directly to her?” Vicrul questioned, caring very little about the silent threat Kylo posed, staring back at him with a taunting eyebrow raised.

If there weren’t so many witnesses still circling us, I was sure Kylo would have launched a charged physical attack on his Knight for daring to undermine him. Yet, with unusual restraint, he exhaled a steadying breath.

“She is one of the few who had dealings with that category of virus. Purely a strategic move to give Cardo the highest chances of survival as possible.”

“Would you look at that,” I marvelled mockingly. “A _compliment_ on my work. Mustafar must have frozen over.”

A muffled chuckle slipped from Ushar’s mouth as Kylo’s helmet snapped back to meet my face. Again, the lustful energy surged just above his frame, before he willed it behind a similar wall to my own.

Ap’lek seemed to notice this, his eyes flickering from his leader to me, the lids narrowing as he grew absorbed in thought.

“Don’t misconstrue my calculated decisions as praise for knowledge you stumbled onto by chance,” Kylo protested.

_Hm, Vicrul hadn’t been exaggerating_.

I didn’t let the offense show on my face, crossing my arms to frame my bust.

“Well if you’ve sufficiently exploited this fortunate area of expertise I have, can I finally be allowed out of your service and off of this ship?”

The chatter around our strained discussion grew more alarmed at my question, an increasing domino of hushed whispers released into the air.

“No.”

He didn’t extrapolate on that answer, and I never expected him to. I was simply curious to see if he would openly express the reason for my imprisonment in front of all these people.

“I’m sure these guests of yours would like to know why you’re keeping me here as your _slave_.”

I saw Kylo’s stature tense, and it became clear he was more focused on my closing term than the rest of my statement, his hold on the fervent aura he wished to keep hidden from his comrades rapidly weakening.

While Vicrul’s eyes were widened in fascinated shock at my boldness, Ap’lek tilting his head back with a cold wariness in his expression, and Cardo looking towards Kylo in eager anticipation of the volatile man’s next move, Ushar moved through the troupe of bodies to clasp a gloved hand around his leader’s arm, tugging his body around to face the older Knight.

“This is not an exchange you should be having with so many ears listening,” he advised, voice hushed, giving Kylo a meaningful look. “If you keep provoking the _tooka_ , it will bite.”

There was a noticeable stillness as Kylo contemplated Ushar’s words, before he forced his stance to relax. His silence continued as he suddenly made his exit from of our stand-off, storming past me into the Grand Hall without another glance in my direction.

As the Knights followed his retreat, the corridor was a flurry of whispers, Risha finally making her way back to my side.

“That was… interesting,” she remarked, a worried edge to her voice. “Are you alright?”

I turned to look at her concerned expression. “I feel _great_ ,” I grinned, leaning in close. “He doesn’t scare me anymore.”

Risha searched over my face, wondering how this brash confidence had appeared as if from nowhere. “Are all your interactions as… _charged_ as that?”

“No,” I laughed, watching as the bodies around us started to crowd around the entry, although still keeping a wide berth around my figure. “But it’s not an uncommon theme in our dealings.”

“He seems a little angry at you,” she noted as we took our place in the line-up.

“That’s not unexpected.” I began to examine what I could of the hall as we stepped closer to the entry, already able to catch a glimpse of the exquisite red drapery that hung in elaborate arrangements on the impossibly high ceiling. “He doesn’t particularly enjoy being challenged.”

“No kidding,” Risha affirmed. “I don’t know how you keep so calm when he speaks to you like that.”

I took a deepened breath. “When someone has made several attempts at ending your life, their words don’t incite so much fear anymore.”

Risha’s energy turned uneasy, yet she didn’t voice her concerns, giving a comforting squeeze of my arm as we gradually moved ahead in line.

Entering the Grand Hall, I was lost in quiet awe at the lavishness on display around me, the walls of the immense space decorated in richly coloured red and charcoal pieces of material, all elaborately embellished with thousands of dazzling gems.

Many extravagantly sculpted silver chandeliers hung over our heads, the glow from hundreds of tiny lights making it appear as if the ceiling was sparkling. Numerous large, rounded tables filled most of the room, save for a sizable piece of floor that pairs were already gliding through as they danced along to the soothing orchestral music I could hear over the chatter of hundreds of voices.

I was quickly mesmerised by the couples twirling around each other, flowing fabrics of women’s skirts and men’s robes rippling elegantly around their bodies as they moved.

Being so engrossed caused me to lose my footing, gripping into Risha’s dress as the heel of my shoe slipped on the exquisitely patterned floor.

She giggled at me, helping as I steadied myself again. “Still getting used to wearing heels?”

“I mean, it’s been a while. But it’s more that I was distracted. Risha… this is all so… _beautiful_ ,” I admired, my eyes skimming over the stylishly placed black roses that adorned every table, small obsidian ornaments weaved through their twisting vines.

“Not bad for a violent militant regime huh?”

Risha chuckled to herself as we began to walk again, but I couldn’t join in her light-hearted amusement. It began to occur to me then, the offensive nature of the affluence implied within this occasion.

The fact the First Order had enough credits to pose such a consistently devastating threat to the galaxy and also throw these types of lavish events, it made a previously dulled anger rise inside.

On Raxus, a small blip in the vastness of space, I’d seen so many go without proper medical care simply because they couldn’t afford it, losing everything they had after fleeing from war torn planets.

Planets now under the rule of this heartless organisation.

It made me feel dirty, being here, being a part of this, the sour taste in my mouth difficult to ignore.

Looking over the room, contempt stung me, my mind unconsciously calculating the millions of credits that had been spent to bring together this scene. I found myself searching over the head table that sat at the far end of the hall, wishing I could cause each High Command member sitting there to burst into a ball of flames with my vision.

Suddenly my eyes were focused on a scarlet lined helmet. I could tell Kylo had fixated on my form too when his face followed the path Risha was leading me towards.

It was the only time I’d ever wanted to let down the shield around my thoughts, just so he could uncover the searing disdain for the Order he claimed leadership of now occupying my mind.

Without observing them, I could sense his eyes holding a fierce glare, our stares locked for more than a few moments before my vision of him was blocked by the many bodies moving between us. His energy was impossible not to take note of, it’s intensity so much greater than any of the other forces swirling around this room.

Irritation was potent, but his _hunger_ is what burned more passionately. However, in this moment, I didn’t want it.

I didn’t want to him to lay a single finger on me. I merely wished for another way to get the _hell_ away from all of this.

Finally arriving to our table, I saw my full name written in a skilfully curved script on the place card, indicating my reserved seat.

“Oh!” Risha suddenly sounded. “I think I see some of my colleagues from my old assignment! Want to come along and meet them?”

I began to pull out the chair, my bubbled-up emotions making me feel heavy. “I’ll catch up with you in a little while. I just need a second to… take this all in.”

“Are you alright?”

I nodded, sitting down, and looked up reassuringly at her. “I’ll be fine. Just have to adapt to my surroundings again.”

She twisted her mouth in reluctance, but soon let it settle back into the tiniest of frowns. “If you’re sure. I’ll only be over there if you need anything, okay?”

Dipping my head in acknowledgment, I waved her off as she flittered away towards the small group she’d eyed through the crowd.

I tried to keep my expression calm as I concentrated on my breathing, letting a sweet floral scent filter into my nose. My eyes traced over the roses perched before me, focusing on nothing else other than the dainty shape of each dark petal, allowing my mind a moment of peace so it might settle back into equilibrium.

The faint squeak of the chair to my right interrupted my meditation, looking over to see Vicrul hastily sitting down beside me, his smile beaming.

“Well aren’t you just the biggest troublemaker at this party?”

Pushing through the initial shock his sudden presence had caused, I couldn’t help but smirk back at him. “So much for slipping under his radar.”

“Ah yes, a slight miscalculation on my part. But you’re here now! I’m still surprised Ushar managed to subdue the temper tantrum before it happened.”

“That’s right, he did…” I recalled. “How did he do that? I assumed Kylo Ren listened to just about no one.”

Vicrul nodded knowingly. “While technically correct, over the years we’ve all learned how to… _deescalate_ his outbursts.”

“Are you taking students?” I asked eagerly, not completely joking.

Vicrul let out a booming laugh, slapping me endearingly on my arm. “You’re actually kinda funny Alex.”

“Uh, thanks,” I replied uncomfortably, not having been described like that before. “So what actually happens at these things? You said you’d been to a few before.”

“To be truthful, not a whole lot. Drinking, dancing, maybe a little _debauchery_ ,” he winked playfully at me. “Speaking of…” His head spun around in searching, before leaning closer. “Who was that woman? The one you walked in with?”

My face dropped. “ _No_ , Vicrul.”

His hands flew up in humorous defence. “I was just curious! Although I do remember you promising to introduce me to some of your colleagues.”

“I didn’t make any such promise,” I muttered, looking at him with scornful intent. “She’s my supervisor, and too smart for your undoubtedly cheesy pick-up lines.”

“Well, we won’t know unless I try them on her,” he countered, making the move to exit his chair. I immediately grabbed at his robes, making him plonk back down on the seat.

“You’ve been here five minutes around you’re already on the prowl?”

“Why else do you think I come to these things?” he contended. When he appeared serious about his statement my face morphed into an unimpressed scowl, watching as Vicrul’s grin appeared again, barely containing the snicker under his breath.

“I was kidding! Relax! Come on,” his piped, gesturing his head away. “Come and join us at our table for a little while. I promise it will be much more entertaining than sitting on your lonesome. Plus, it’ll annoy the frack out of Ren.”

One side of my mouth instantly curled into a half-smile, both at the thought of Kylo displeased at me being in the company of his Knights, and the enjoyment Vicrul seemed to get out of that idea.

“Lead the way.”

I followed behind as he guided us through the small pathways between tables, edging around the enlivened guests, watching as he picked up a short glass of honey coloured liquid, obviously alcoholic, from the tray a waiter was carrying around. I was offered a champagne in my passing, shaking my head curtly, knowing I needed to have all of my wits about me this evening.

“I’m surprised you’re not at the same table as _His Royal Highness_ ,” I hollered.

Vicrul turned back for a moment to smirk at me, yet again amused by my sarcasm.

“That was us who made that decision,” he explained. “Spend the night with a stuffy bunch of High Command leaders who have to maintain their overly pretentious decorum at all times? No thanks.”

“Hm, understandable.”

It wasn’t long before I could eye the familiar tarnished robes that all of these Knights seemed to wear, obviously caring very little for upholding the dress code the rest of us had adhered to.

As I appeared from behind Vicrul’s figure I immediately eyed Cardo’s delighted expression. He rushed up to meet me with arms wide, enveloping me in a tight embrace.

“Look who it is! My saviour!” he burst, moving to stand beside me, his arm pressing on my back, pushing me closer to the dark clad men. “Trudgen! Kuruk! This is the doctor who saved my life!”

As much as I mockingly applauded Kylo for finally affording me some kind of recognition of my skills, it still made me uncomfortable to have Cardo give me that accolade. While I stayed in my awkward stance, a dark-skinned man with a deep green hue in his eyes stepped forward with his hand outstretched.

“Trudgen,” he introduced. “Kuruk’s over there, by the wall.” His head pointed toward a lone shape that seemed to be standing guard, watching quietly over the area. “He doesn’t really do much socialising.” His eyes moved down my figure before focusing on my face. “It’s Alexys, right?”

“Yeah, that’s me,” I squeaked, his firm grip around my palm unsettling me for a moment, before a white-toothed smile took over his features.

“That was quite the interaction you had with Ren before. I’m starting to understand why he’s been such a pain the last few weeks.”

I recalled hearing Ap’lek mention Trudgen being a victim of one of Kylo’s flareups. It was hard not to feel a little guilty knowing I was almost definitely the cause of it.

“Oh, uh, I’m sorry.”

Cardo squeezed me tighter into his bulky frame. “You got nothin’ to be sorry for! It’s his own fault for bein’ too _weak_ to break through that block the Jedi put on you.”

I didn’t know why, but hearing that word spoken of Kylo sparked a sliver of insult to course through me. He was the last person I would call weak, and for Cardo to say it so casually seemed almost… cruel.

“To be fair,” Ap’lek interjected, skulking in from behind Trudgen. “We don’t know if that’s quite true yet. That it was the Jedi who managed to execute this feat.”

“Oh not this again,” Vicrul grumbled, taking another sip of his drink.

Ap’lek shot a scornful look in his direction. “I’ve looked into the Jedi texts myself and Ren was right. There’s nothing to substantiate that any Jedi had this ability.”

“As if that proves anything. You still haven’t given us a plausible alternative for the block. Maybe bring it up again when you do?” Vicrul provoked.

I felt my insides contract during their bickering, wondering why Ap’lek had formed this extremely suspicious, and worryingly accurate, attitude towards me.

I needed to throw him off my scent.

“I was told she trained with Luke Skywalker, before he… uh, left this universe. Maybe he taught her something the texts never defined,” I posed, hoping I sounded more assured to the men around me than I did to myself.

Trudgen contemplated my idea, pursing his lips. “Not the most unlikely scenario. It’s well known Luke cut himself off from the Force not long after his disappearance. He could have learned how to apply that ability to someone else.” He turned to Ap’lek. “Could that be a good enough explanation for you?”

“It’s noted,” he uttered. “I’m getting a drink.” He slipped past my figure, his frustrated aura brushing my skin as he walked by.

“Seems like it’s not just the Supreme Leader who dislikes me,” I commented, as Cardo finally let his hand on me fall.

“It’s not you. Some days I think he barely likes us,” Vicrul reasoned. “He detests being without all the answers. Knowledge is power in his opinion.”

“And the rest of you don’t think that way?”

“Power is power,” I heard Ushar finally remark as he rested at his seat, facing away from the rest of us. “Knowledge. Determination. Strength. You can have all three and still not be powerful.”

I was too intrigued by his sudden poignant entrance into the conversation to stop myself from asking, “So what does? Make you powerful I mean?”

He shrugged, turning to face me, recalling his icy blue irises from the training arena. “Who knows. Ren is still figuring that out himself.”

Vicrul huffed. “Enough with the serious talk. This is supposed to be a night off for all of us, remember?”

Ushar agreed silently, turning back to the drink he was nursing. Cardo soon helped to guide me to what was evidently Kuruk’s empty seat, as the Knights I now found myself completely surrounded by launched into lively conversation, prompting me with countless questions about my past, a whole different type of interrogation than what was conducted by their master.

I didn’t find myself lying too often, simply skirting around the truths I didn’t wish anyone on this ship to discover.

*

Speaking with the men was oddly fascinating, their differing personalities making for somewhat erratic discussions. I found myself relaxing, almost enjoying myself as time floated past.

Suddenly a hand unexpectedly grasped my shoulder, almost squealing in shock as I spun in my chair to see Risha looking down at me, relieved yet _extremely_ alarmed.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere Alex!”

I heard a chair screech out from my right, knowing immediately who had made that action.

“Well, you’ve found her,” Vicrul crooned. “But who might you be?”

I turned my face away long enough to roll my eyes, seeing Trudgen chuckle at my exasperated expression, joining them both in standing.

“This is my friend, Risha. A doctor that works with me on the _Prestige_ med-bay. And Risha this is-”

“Vicrul,” he finished himself, presenting a hand towards her. To my surprise, she took it and allowed him to touch his lips to her knuckles gently. “One of the Knights of Ren.”

I noticed Risha’s cheeks turn a subtle shade of pink, obviously not as deterred by Vicrul’s tawdry attempt at being charming as I was.

“Ah,” she breathed, letting her hand slip back down to her hip. “You’re the one Alex had to treat after being stabbed with an electrostaff.”

Vicrul nodded, the smile not fading from his face. “And I still lived to tell the tale.”

“Thanks to me,” I muttered, sincerely hoping Risha wasn’t the type to be won over like this.

She sensed my mood easily. “Well, we better get back to our table. I’m sure they’ll be serving dinner soon.”

“I believe we’ve still got some time left before that. What about you join me on the dancefloor until then?”

A Knight of Ren wanting to dance? This night was _already_ one of the most peculiar I’d lived through.

Risha looked at me for confirmation, her eyes sparkling at the chance to be whisked away by the stranger.

“Go on then,” I huffed, though internally filling with glee at seeing Risha so enthused.

Vicrul swiftly offered his arm, and she weaved her own through it, the two of them strolling off towards the space where other couples were swaying along to a rhythmic waltz.

I stood back, ready to watch how this scene was about to play out, when fingers curled into mine, Cardo pulling me along the same path.

“Oh! Uh, I don’t really know how to dance!” I objected, my heels speedily clicking under me.

“Neither do I! But we can’t let them have all the fun!” he trilled.

Before I could protest any further, Cardo had already pulled me into the fray of twirling guests, setting his palm at my upper back and bringing my right arm up to meet his, clutching it tightly.

As soon as I managed to remember to place my own hand at his shoulder, he was immediately leading me around the floor, surprisingly in time with the music, placing his steps more skilfully than mine. Eventually I matched his movements, a wide smile spreading across my face, almost falling into a jovial giggle, cold air gliding past my legs as the skirt and train of my dress fluttered around me with each stride.

I was... _happy_.

Likely for the first time since I’d been captured, until my senses felt a prickling energy from the front end of the room.

It wasn’t the same fury-filled aura I’d felt from Kylo before. It wasn’t even the same type of envy he’d projected in the past.

There was jealousy, but it was more subdued. Almost… sad.

_No, that couldn’t be right._

I tried not to make it obvious to Cardo when my eyes began to search for Kylo’s mask at the High Command table. I needed to make sure it was truly his Force signature that was emanating the emotion I hadn’t sensed in him before.

Hearing the music coming to a slow conclusion, I was about to make an excuse to leave Cardo’s hold and investigate, when an eerily familiar voice chimed in beside us.

“Might I cut in?”

A uniformed man with curled blonde hair and amber eyes greeted me, his palm facing up in waiting for an answer.

“Sure thing!” Cardo answered enthusiastically, stepping back for the man to immediately take his place. I was positive I saw him wink at me as he sauntered off the dancefloor, but I was so startled by my sudden change in partner I couldn’t be completely certain.

Promptly I was back into the same embrace that I held only moments ago, although this stranger made an effort to pull me in closer, our faces not far from touching.

“It’s nice to see you again, Alex. Under better circumstances too.”

“I’m sorry, should I know who you are?” I questioned, still noting how identifiable his voice was to me.

He exhaled a soft laugh. “No. We’ve met, but I’ve never introduced myself formally. And I’m still unable to now.”

“Why?”

He leaned close to my ear, his words only barely audible above the music.

“Just in case the Supreme Leader figures out how to get past that mental wall you’re keeping up.”

My eyes grew wide, the grip I had on his shoulder clamping down hard. “H-how? How did you know about that?”

“It’s alright Alex. I’m not here to expose you. We actually have some mutual friends,” he declared.

“It’s you! You’re the-“

‘Shhh,” he hushed. “Best not to say that word in this type of crowd.”

“Right, sorry.” I was momentarily distracted by the rising simmer in Kylo’s energy that had flared, riddled with a fervently possessive nature. “Can I at least ask how we’ve met before?”

“Let me say this before anything else. I’m truly sorry for those blaster wounds on your leg.”

My teeth clenched. A memory of the man, the Death trooper, who’d cornered me on Raxus and ruined my chance at fleeing with the Resistance, flashed into my mind. Wrath was swift to course through me, my immediate reaction wanting to wrench myself from his grasp.

His strength clearly surpassed mine, keeping me within his hold, lips close to my ear again.

“Keep calm, Alex. I promise I’m not the same person who tried to kill you and your friends. I’ve been the one helping them to keep an eye on you, giving you opportunities for communication.”

I tried to keep my tone even, but it was still saturated with contempt. “They wouldn’t have had to do that if you hadn’t attacked and captured me in the first place.”

Another burst of Kylo’s energy exploded from behind me, able to feel the radiating heat touch my skin.

“I know,” the Death trooper conceded. “But you saved my life. I’m just trying to return the favour.”

I scoffed lowly. “I patched up the hole in your knee. That’s hardly life-saving surgery.”

“You don’t know what they do to men in my line of work when they’re unable to perform their duty, do you?” His eyes found mine then, not needing my answer. “I would have lost my leg if it weren’t for you. And if that had happened, I would have been made… _redundant_.”

I was quiet while we still continued our dancing, thankful my feet had figured how to unconsciously move themselves while I was so bombarded with differing emotions.

In those moments while no words were spoken, my thoughts were heavily diverted again by Kylo’s immense surge of frustration, knowing he was hitting a breaking point.

I’d wanted this to happen, I’d planned for it, but this was undoubtedly the worst timing possible.

“So why meet with me face to face now?” I asked impatiently.

“I have a message. _From_ _the pilot_.”

My lungs halted their progress mid inhale, heart stopping along with them.

“What? What is it?” I was the one to lean in closer then, nearly touching my cheek to the Death trooper so I could grasp every word of his reply.

As he began to speak the words, I was hit by a wave of unseen infuriation, knowing immediately Kylo had just tipped past the edge of his temper.

“He’s coming for you. Soon. A plan is in motion.”

“What? The Resistance is getting me out of here?”

“No. The pilot is. _Alone_. He said he was tired of waiting,” the stranger whispered.

I was torn in the middle, desperate to speak more of Poe and this suicide mission, yet also sensing Kylo begin to march swiftly away from his place at the head of the room.

**_The opportunity is here, Alexys. You need to take it._ **

“ _Frack_!” I hissed under my breath. “I have something I need to do.” My expression grew stern, voice weighing with importance. “You tell that pilot, whatever plan he has, to stop it _now_. Tell him he doesn’t need to save me. I can do it myself. You got all that?”

The Death trooper nodded, and I immediately withdrew myself from his arms to dash out of the crowd, heading towards the exit Kylo had already stormed past, heart pumping searing blood through my veins.


	21. Taste

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're expecting any plot development in this chapter... there is none
> 
> ;)

I endeavoured to keep my footsteps quiet, following Kylo down the twisting pathway of corridors he’d marched down. However, it was annoyingly hard with my stiletto heels making an echoing clack with each stride.

His frenzied energy was all I could utilise to guide me, tracking his form as it paced towards an almost empty portion of the _Finalizer_.

The War Rooms. Now currently out of commission without any enemy posing an immediate threat.

Eventually I felt his movement cease. Creeping down the hallway, I prepared for the usual flare of his emotion to be expressed physically, waiting for the unmistakable sound of metal being thrashed against with some type of weapon, maybe even his own limbs.

Yet nothing came, and it intrigued me to feel his aura begin to glow with a strained control.

_Maybe this dress hadn’t worked as well as I thought._

Soon I was hiding beside the entry of the room his energy sizzled behind, the door left open in his rush to find a place to clear his mind. A few noiseless breaths left me, filling my body with as much tranquil confidence as I could collect, willing with every bit of strength to calm my sprinting heartbeat.

_This was it. No going back now_.

Straightening myself into a seemingly effortless poise, I moved to cross the threshold of the doorway. My eyes immediately fixated on Kylo’s hunched form, leaning over a control panel at the far edge of what seemed to be a higher-level meeting room, staring out through the transparisteel window to the darkened space before him.

A long, sleek table sat in the centre of the space, and my composure was briefly weakened when I discovered he had already removed his helmet. My gaze trailed over short waves of ebony hair, noting how the glossy strands were in stark contrast to how I’d seen them the night I spent in his quarters, remembering how unkempt it had appeared while he was in my care.

If he heard the subdued click of my shoes as I sneaked gently towards his shape, he didn’t show it. His form remained unnervingly motionless, continuing to study the vast galaxy spreading endlessly in front of us.

“You know, it’s rude for the host to leave before the end of an evening,” I murmured, breaking the stillness.

Kylo’s muscles tensed in response, the sound of my voice ripping him from whatever trance he’d placed himself into.

“I would say it’s just as impolite as following someone who _clearly_ wants to be alone,” he grumbled, palms pressing hard into the button heavy panel. “Why are you here?

“Why did you leave?” I countered, taking one more step closer.

He exhaled hard, aggravated at my detour. “I _hate_ these things. I’d had enough.”

“Then why allow the gala to occur? I assumed you’d have _some_ say in these matters.”

“Just because I don’t enjoy them, does not mean the people of my Order hold the same opinion.”

I was glad he hadn’t turned to face me when my expression crinkled into confusion, only to regain my taunting demeanour. “How _gracious_ of you to even show up in the first place.”

“That was a decision made purely on the basis of appearing as dissimilar to the previous leader as possible,” he explained gruffly.

I made a questioning noise. “I was told it wasn’t your decision. Not really.” I’d made my way around the table, leaning gently against its edge, still a few steps away from Kylo’s immense frame.

The sound of leather creaked into the air as he balled his hands into fists, head rising slightly. “And how did you come to know this information?”

“Your Knights aren’t as guarded in their conversation as you are.”

Kylo huffed under his breath. “Of course.”

It amused me to think this wasn’t a shock to him. But I needed to focus.

“So, what is it about these events you dislike so much?” I inquired, hoping to uncover more about what had caused him to avoid them in the past. “Or are you simply averse to anything slightly fun?”

Knuckles strained underneath the tight material of his gloves. “There’s a time and place for everything,” he uttered, his voice low. “I am simply not one for the superficial indulgence these nights bring.”

“There’s _nothing_ you enjoy about them? The magnificent decorations? The dancing? The beautiful garments?”

“ _No_. It’s meaningless, and fleeting, all of it. I don’t appreciate my Order’s credits being spent on such pointless endeavours. And I certainly don’t care about the _outfits_ these people wear.”

There was something so bitter about his tone, an indication of how deeply embedded this sentiment appeared to be.

I waited a few moments for his stinging aura to descend before voicing my provoking question.

“Not even mine?”

His face turned slightly, now able to see its outline against the black veil of star-filled space. Kylo didn’t answer, but the sudden buzzing of his electrified energy supplied enough hope I still had a delicate hold over him.

“That’s such a shame,” I sighed, assuming his denial. “To think I picked this dress for you, and you don’t even like it.”

His profile moved closer, tempted by the idea of looking back at the piece of clothing I was referring to. “This was a planned ensemble?”

“It was. Although, I guess all my effort was wasted.” I tried to sound as playfully sulking as I could, even if there was the very real worry of that being true.

_No. I wouldn’t let it be._

“Can you tell me what you think is wrong with it?”

I watched as his face morphed into confusion at such a trivial source of conversation. “What?”

“I’d like to know. To make sure I get it right next time.”

Finally, I’d incited enough curiosity for Kylo to shift his stance, bringing himself to face me. Darkened eyes gradually scanned down my body, sensing the restraint he held over his invisible desire become as strong as netting, emotion leaking through the openings and into the atmosphere.

Without allowing the opportunity of a response, I lifted a hand to the red fabric sitting over my shoulder. “Is it the colour? Maybe you’d like me better in black?”

He didn’t move.

“Is it the neckline? Too low?”

A lone finger trailed deliberately down my chest, tracing over the curve of my breast, all the way to where the exposure of skin ended, his stare following exactly where my touch brushed over.

Still, he was otherwise motionless.

I took a step forward, light material gliding to expose my thigh, the movement making the air around us grow even more charged.

“What about the splits in my skirt? Too high?”

My hand floated past the corset of my dress to the separated wisps of gossamer.

“I mean, with one false move, you could see… _everything_.”

Fingers pulled delicately at light fabric to reveal the smallest view of laced black panties underneath.

I was subtly impressed at Kylo’s command of his body, barely a spasm in any single muscle. Meanwhile the air around his shape had ignited into explosions of wild craving, an obvious ache amongst the fervour he unknowingly exhibited.

I understood exactly why he was imposing all concentration in stifling any reaction, our last encounter of this kind leaving him so _agonisingly_ unfulfilled.

Slowly, I edged my stance nearer to his rigid frame, closing the space between us until our bodies almost connected. Looking up to his face, I saw the smallest shake in his inhale.

_He couldn’t hold back forever._

“I told you this dress was chosen with _you_ in mind,” I whispered. “Don’t you want to know why?”

Kylo stared down, the amber edges to his irises appearing akin to smouldering embers, the heat of them almost tangible. Finally, after so much silence, he let a reply slip past his lips.

“ _Yes_.”

“I thought so,” I breathed, the air of my words drifting over his face, the only reaction a faint flutter of his lids. That changed when I began to lift a leg to lean against the panel at his side, almost daring to touch our hips together.

My following action was slow, patient, a hand grazing over the lower portion of my abdomen, sinking lower. 

His gaze grew wider, feeling the unmistakable twitch of his biceps as he smothered the urge to place his hands on my shape. It was the most guarded he had ever appeared, and there was a stab of concern within, wondering if I’d pushed him too far in our last encounter.

Yet his defiance only made my resolve stronger.

_I was the one with power here._

“It’s simple really.” Slithering my fingers down, I found the divide in my skirt, slinking them underneath the flimsy material, arriving at the edge of my underwear. “ _Access_.”

Kylo swallowed hard, and it was difficult not to recoil as the glowing flames his unseen hunger felt as if they were burning my skin.

Ignoring the exquisite pain, I slipped under the delicate lace, directly to the line of my folds, a silky wetness waiting for me. Moving two fingers through it, coating them, a muted hum of enjoyment bristled out my throat, the sound making Kylo shudder ever so slightly.

I relished in the feeling of my own touch for a few seconds, setting myself up for the next calculated action.

Removing the hand that wandered below, I brought it to the space in front of his mouth. His eyes became instantly transfixed to the two fingers now glistening with a slick moisture.

“Do you want to taste it?”

The last few minutes proved he had more self-discipline than I’d given him credit for, his intense stare unwavering, while the question sent his force signature into overdrive with quarrelling emotions.

I knew that restraint had withered to nothing when Kylo gently leaned forward, lips parted, eager to have the taste of me on his tongue.

“ _Uh-uh_.” I withdrew my hand, causing a ferocious expression to fill Kylo’s features. “You have to answer my question first.”

“ _Which one_?” he enunciated harshly, palpable frustration crushing the air entering my lungs.

I took a purposeful delay with my next breath, his impatience becoming thicker with every second that passed. “My dress. You still haven’t told me why you dislike it.”

“There isn’t anything _specifically_ wrong with it,” he admitted through gritted teeth, his glare still infatuated by the temptation I was holding back. “I would simply prefer you wear something else.”

“Oh? And that would be?”

“ _Nothing_.”

A ripple of pleasure surged at the thought of his hands exploring my bared skin, nails scratching into my naked flesh. I allowed it to overtake almost all rational thought, certain I’d gotten him precisely where I wanted.

“An _exceptional_ answer,” I purred, peering up at him through perfectly curled lashes. “I believe you’ve earned this.”

I replaced my fingers at his lips, touching them this time, the smallest connection sending a wave of shimmering electricity down my arm.

He took them within his mouth, the movement gentle, tongue swirling delicately around the flesh. Kylo closed his eyes, evidently savouring the taste when a low moan hummed into the air. The reverberation around my fingers caused the sparks in my limb to turn violent, the current now extending into my chest.

His eyebrows creased when I began to pull my hand away, watching as the digits withdrew ever so slowly, every ounce of my juices sucked clean.

Our stares found each other again, Kylo’s tortuous breathing the only noise I could perceive around me. We each became unmoving in the darkness, the world around us dense with an irrepressible tension.

He was waiting. To say the words that would fracture his restraint. To verbalise what I’d previously not allowed him to have.

_My consent_.

“You can have more, if you’d like.”

I felt the dwindling control he’d attempted to hold suddenly disappear, like an elastic band finally snapping under too much pressure.

Sooner than I could comprehend it fully, his lips were melting into mine, their movement both harsh and _luxurious_ , hands gripping ruthlessly on my shape, pressing me closer against his burly chest.

I returned his fevered kiss with an unwavering intensity, nails scratching at his robes to grasp the the rough fabric, an immense pulse of relief already beginning radiate from his exterior.

There was barely time for a breath in between each caress of our lips, Kylo's low, moaning exhale setting my skin alight as it echoed into my mouth.

His tongue quickly tangled with mine, no sign of hesitation in massaging the wet flesh and I was able to recognise, for the first time, what he truly tasted like.

An intoxicating mixture of salty and sweet, reminiscent of burnt caramel, tickled my tastebuds, the unique flavour already making me crave more with every kiss we exchanged in our shared frenzy.

Using a daring courage, my hands creeped upwards, the palms slipping over either side of his neck, drawing him even closer into our embrace.

I couldn’t deny a small part of me was left reeling when he paid no mind to having such a large portion of my skin linked directly to his. It almost spurred him further into our spiral of passion, a delicious growl vibrating from his chest, my core clenching hard down below.

With no refusal of my advance, my fingers twisted up into his hair, feeling the softened locks brush past my fingertips, eventually snatching them into fists, pulling the strands with a mischievous tug.

Either the surprise or discomfort of it made him wrench his face back, both of our chests heaving quick breaths.

“You like making me hurt, don’t you?” he gasped, his voice enchantingly low.

A sinful smirk appeared. “A little pain makes the _pleasure_ so much better.” I leaned in before he could react, to bite his bottom lip, _hard_.

He hissed in response, quickly enveloping my mouth into another impassioned kiss, withdrawing again to rest his forehead on mine.

“I can take the pain. Just long as _you’re_ the one to supply the pleasure.”

His longing for that feeling, to tip past the edge into satisfaction, was _overwhelming_ , and it made my legs begin to tingle with excitement.

“I don’t know if you’ve earned that just yet,” I whispered, trying to hide the quiver in my voice. “But you could.”

“ _How_?” he growled, a desperation in his tone I wasn’t prepared to hear. Gloved fingers dug brutally into the flesh of my hips, barely able to smother a squeal at the stinging pain he’d caused.

_Hm, karma_.

Eventually I grew accustomed enough to the ache for me to speak confidently, glaring at his honey coloured irises with a challenging intensity.

“Surprise me.”

With that, there was nothing to hold him back anymore.

His hands slid swiftly down to the curve of my rear, dipping slightly to reach it due to our differing heights. Clutching each cheek within a brutal grasp, he lifted me up against his sturdy frame, making my knees hitch around his pelvis.

It was with a graceful ease he swivelled around to place me onto the control panel, my feet dangling over the edge.

Again Kylo locked his lips with mine, his lust just as fierce as minutes ago, yet it felt more confident, uninhibited, as if he had clawed back some of the strength in our dynamic.

And that’s what I needed him to feel. For now.

One hand soon curled through my hair, the sensation of his touch causing an unescapable shiver to stream over my skin, my mind already beginning to blur.

Through exceedingly ardent kisses, his broad chest pressed me towards the sloped computer station until my spine moulded into the cold metal, erratically positioned buttons now digging into my bare skin.

He steadied himself to keep his torso firmly against mine, hips now at the perfect angle to thrust his hardened length, still confined under his trousers, between my open legs.

As an indulgent sigh left me, I could feel his smirk within our following kiss, a triumphant edge already glowing brightly in his aura. I might have punished his arrogance, but remained too lost in the bliss of his erection grinding over my pleasure point, somehow knowing _exactly_ where to move to create the most delectable friction.

Amid the other places his body connected to mine, I felt Kylo’s other palm stray to the curve between my neck and shoulder, but it didn’t remain there. Instead, gloved fingers slipped under the strap of my dress, gliding it down, his touch immediately drifting to paw at the flesh of my breast, able to grasp it wholly within his large hand, causing a delighted whimper to seep from my mouth.

Kylo’s lips started to trail away from mine, lingering over my jaw and down my neck, all the while he’d begun to play with my hardened nipple, twisting it in-between his fingertips, the sensation setting my insides alight with glittering electricity.

Finally able to take a proper breath, my unbridled moan filtered into the air, giving in to the satisfaction that erupted from every second of his touch.

He repeated the action, removing the piece of fabric covering the rest of my bust, yet this time it was his teeth that snagged the material down. Before I knew it, his tongue was skimming across the sensitive skin of my other breast, taking the bud in his mouth, sucking and licking it in the most carnal way, a cascade of pleasured sighs surging past my throat.

It was a burning impatience that I sensed prior to his sudden adjustment, lids fluttering open to see his heated expression glaring back, bringing the tip of his leather-clad index finger to my lips.

“Bite,” he instructed sternly. I immediately followed the demand, teeth clamping down at the edge of his glove. Kylo pulled his hand free from its cover, grabbing the article of clothing out of my hold only to throw it to the side.

Without a pause his bared hand made its way to the divide in my skirt, hauling away the tulle over the side of my thigh, snatching the laced panties hidden underneath and effortlessly ripping them away within a singular motion.

I didn’t have a chance to protest his brazen action when his fingers found my entrance, immediately sliding through my folds, filling me until there was no length left, the abruptness making me shriek in delighted surprise.

In synchronisation with his other movements, he began to glide his fingers in and out, the walls of my core feeling impossibly tight around them. It wasn’t long before the swells of spasming muscles begun to ripple outward, a distinct slickness becoming even more pronounced with each smooth thrust.

Kylo obviously noticed it too, pulling away from where he’d continued playfully tonguing with my nipple to meet my face, as I struggled to open my eyes through the pleasure he was sparking.

“You’re so much wetter than before,” he rasped, crushing his lips to mine again. “You really want it this time, don’t you?”

“More than… anything in this galaxy,” I panted, and it worried me how that wasn’t a lie. Although I was far too distracted by the charged current running through my veins to give it any more thought.

Kylo shifted to place a delicate kiss at the base of my ear, his heated breath making me shudder. “We finally agree on something.”

I went to smirk at his teasing comment, but quickly frowned when he removed his fingers from the warmth inside me, watching as he wrapped his lips around the tips and sucked. His eyes rolled back in gratification, a husky growl echoing out.

“You taste… _maker_ … you taste _incredible_.”

My centre tensed in response to his words, impatient for him to resume his stimulating movements, words tumbling from my mouth before I could stop them.

“More… Kylo _please_. I need more…”

He hastily sunk down onto his knees, his face now able to view me up close, and I scratched my nails on the metal underneath in sudden shyness.

I’d never let anyone see me this openly before. Never allowed anyone to use their mouth on me like Kylo obviously planned to. It was difficult to smother the nervousness that rushed to the forefront of my mind, an instant urge to close my legs now nagging me harshly.

Kylo didn’t share the same hesitation, one hand placing itself at the end of my left thigh, spreading me open further, the other hooking under my right knee to place my leg over his shoulder, curling around the limb.

Immediately he delved his tongue into my slit, lapping at the juices there, as a vulgar moan purred into the flesh, the vibration making my nerves sparkle with erratic energy. All anxiety was forgotten when he directed his attention to my swollen clitoris, swirling over it, and I jerked under him, flashes of ecstasy already igniting within my abdomen.

“Oh _fuck_ ,” I groaned.

Kylo drew his face back. “It isn’t lady-like to cuss.”

I stared down at him, put off-balance for a moment at the vision of him between my legs, lips wet with moisture.

“None of this is particularly _lady-like_ ,” I muttered.

“True,” he conceded, running his tongue over me once more while I watched with wide eyes. “But you could maintain at least one kind of decorum.”

_Fuck your decorum, pompous ass._

“I’ll remember that when you lose the ability to maintain proper etiquette while I'm sucking your cock.”

Just the thought of it sent Kylo’s energy into erupting streaks of glowing flames, and his mouth was back on me, spiralling and sucking around the stimulated nub, the surges of my impending climax appearing every few seconds. My head rocked back, skull hitting the durasteel, yet I didn’t sense the slightest trace of pain.

Every exhale turned into a breathy moan, becoming more ragged as the minutes passed, Kylo swiftly learning which precise movement of his tongue would elicit the loudest ones to echo through the room. It was when one of my hands clutched onto his hair it became clear I was losing control, unable to stop my grip becoming viciously tight.

If he felt any discomfort, he didn’t react, all focus centred on me and my pleasure, his own indulgence growing fiercer as I proceeded even nearer to my peak, already knowing how much more potent my orgasm would be this time.

My thighs began to twitch, abdominal muscles tightening as Kylo flicked his tongue over my clitoris again and again, urgently collecting the wetness that came after each of my helpless whimpers.

He began to tease me, drifting his attention just when I could see the edge I desperately wanted to dive into. It was pure retribution, a cruel form of revenge for my previous actions, prolonging the ache that came each time I descended from the growing high.

Returning to my clit once more, the flat portion stroking over the swollen point in the most _delicious_ way, I felt my climax rise to be within my grasp, already arching my back at the extraordinary bliss that was mere seconds from breaking.

“I- I’m- Kylo I’m going to _come_!”

And he pulled away.

Falling bitterly from the peak I’d climbed, I opened my eyes to see Kylo shifting back to a standing position, swiping a thumb over his mouth and chin to remove the wetness I’d left, moving to drape himself over my body.

A scream of frustration was ready to burst as he brought his face in front of mine, only allowing a barbed scowl to show in my expression. His own was serious, leaning in close, our lips almost touching, a hand replacing where his mouth had been.

After dipping into my entrance, he began to circle his fingers over my clit, agonisingly slowly. I shut my eyes, wanting to relish his touch, when my jaw was seized in a vicious grip.

“Look at me,” he commanded, my lids bursting open to his darkened stare. “From now on, you have to ask my permission if you want to _come_. If you’re touching yourself, and you think you’re going to _come_ , _you find me first_. Do you understand?”

Coherent thought was difficult to form with his fingers moving over me so skilfully, barely conscious enough to halt an immediate agreement to his demand.

It was too much power for him to hold, to think he’d have authority over that part of me.

But I _needed_ release. So much it was starting to burn.

“Do you understand Alexys?” he snarled, his circled movement becoming even more divine, my thoughts growing more clouded by pleasure. “I’m the _only_ one who gets to make you come.”

He’d cornered me, much like I’d done to him in the supply closet, left fighting between logic and carnal desire.

It was obvious which one was winning.

I couldn’t defy it, my helpless need to feel him bring me past the point of no return. Right now, there was _nothing_ I wouldn’t say or do to make that happen.

“ _Fine_! Yes! I understand!” I cried out. “ _Please_ , please let me _come_!”

“As you wish,” he crooned eagerly, sinking back down between my legs to recommence the luscious swirl of his tongue, this time adding slow thrusts of his fingers.

The synchronicity had me enraptured, the peak of my climax racing back so quickly I wasn’t prepared for the moment I finally tipped over the edge.

It was euphoria, lightning strikes of pure ecstasy streaking ceaselessly through my body. The world around melted into nothing but white, hardly able to discern the extraordinarily loud moan resonating from my own mouth.

Kylo held on to me tightly as my hips jolted through shockwaves of the deepest pleasure I had ever felt in my short life, sparks shooting through my limbs as my centre _throbbed_.

His tongue didn’t relent, extending the time I could feel the intoxicating sensation pulse down below, walls continuing to spasm and clench around him.

As the afterglow settled over my skin, Kylo slipped his fingers away, remaining only to savour the essence of my release before scattering delicate kisses over the inside of my thighs, a satisfied hum leaving him as he rose to his feet.

I would have stayed unmoving, basked in the sweetened warmth that weaved through my blood, but enough awareness remained to push myself upwards to meet Kylo’s upright stance, arms shaking, barely able to hold myself up.

_Time for phase two._

Kylo gazed down, hands cupping my face, dipping lower to gently touch his lips to mine.

“I don’t think I’ve tasted _anything_ better than you,” he murmured, his energy shimmering with contentment.

Peering up with a tempting smile, I posed a single enticing question.

“Are you going to return the favour?”


	22. Choice

I didn’t need to wait for Kylo to articulate an answer. It was written instantly on his face, the energy glittering around him saturated with an eager infatuation.

Even with my limbs feeling like jelly, I pushed myself forward off the control panel to land on my feet, Kylo stepping backwards with me, still keeping our bodies close. I kept my tempting stare on his, pushing through the static in my muscles as I drove him towards where one of the desk chairs would be waiting.

As soon as his legs brushed against the hard, cushioned edge of the seat, he dropped down to sit, his excitement so dense I could taste it. Standing in front of him, hands moved to replace the straps of my dress over my chest, Kylo’s face contorting into irritated confusion.

“I don’t want you to be distracted by anything other than my mouth,” I hummed.

His expression quickly reverted to its previously enthused appearance, clearly pleased with my curt justification.

Back in a somewhat more demure state, I leant over to place my face in front of his, locking our eyes together. One hand settled on his knee, the other brushing some of the errant strands of hair behind his ear.

As the seconds passed, I noticed the gaze he returned to me gradually soften, breaths slowing into an even rhythm. There was a familiar aura that radiated from his shape, the one I could never hold down with a sufficient description.

It just felt… warm. Lively yet… gentle. Soothing.

Sensing it made me search over his face further for some kind of understanding, any indication of what it meant. My stare was drawn to the jagged scar that etched his skin, starting just above his right eyebrow, running completely across the cheek and down his neck. Within my line of work, I knew exactly how deep the slice must have been in the first place to leave such a serrated mark.

It wasn’t as if I’d never noticed it before, having been clearly visible in each of our encounters where his helmet was removed. But my attention had always been so engrossed in other matters that I’d never seemed to let my eyes inspect it fully, not like I was doing now.

There was an overwhelming impulse that clutched me, wishing to touch the unevenly healed wound. Timidly, an index finger shifted to hover over the line that started below his eye, a magnetic force pulling the tip closer to the skin.

Kylo shot his hand up to snatch my wrist, the atmosphere around him turning barbed with anger.

“ _Don’t_ ,” he seethed, the vicious tenor of his voice unsettling me.

I’d crossed a line, one I didn’t know had been there.

“Sorry,” I whispered, wondering myself why I’d dared to do something so bizarre. “I don’t know why I-”

He was quick to interrupt me. “Don’t _ever_ try to do that again.”

My heart jumped through a few beats at his warning, intensely curious as to why he’d become so defensive. With the swing in his disposition I was worried I’d ruined the mood I’d worked so hard to build, struggling to find an appropriate segue back into the next phase of my plan.

It was Kylo who solved that problem.

His tense posture in the chair relaxed, a hand still constricted around my wrist, and began to guide it down until my palm brushed against his waiting erection, holding it there.

“I’m sure you can figure out a way to properly apologise for your… _reckless_ behaviour.”

While I wanted to scowl at his attempt to gain the upper hand, I still curled my fingers around his length, a smirk painting my lips. In this moment, it would be better to make him feel like the dominant one, if only fleetingly.

My hand began to move over him, reminded of his impressive size, and a worrying thought occurred. I was actually… _excited_ to pleasure him in the same way he’d afforded me.

Kylo's eyes shut, his head tilting backwards as he hummed out a contented sigh. With the skin so tantalisingly exposed, I leaned forward to place a kiss below his jaw, avoiding the side where his scar line continued into his chest.

As I softly trailed my lips down his neck, he exhaled harder with each connection, moving to clutch at the wispy tulle over my waist. It was when I reached the collar of his black formal tunic that I began to sink down steadily onto my knees between his open legs, never letting my palm stop stroking the hardness concealed by more maddeningly thick material.

Kylo clearly had the same frustration when he eagerly brought both hands to the top of his trousers.

I batted them away. “No,” I challenged, looking up at him with narrowed eyes. “Be patient.”

“I _have_ been patient,” he rumbled, staring down at me with a vicious edge.

“Then a few more minutes won’t kill you.”

I saw his lips threaten to curl with a scowl at my insolence, but it simmered when I crept my fingers up to the belt that sat below his ribcage, curling over the leather and following the seam around his waist. As my hands disappeared behind his back, aiming to unlock the clasp, I bent further down, grazing my tongue against the tightened fabric over his cock. An indulgent hiss left his mouth, a subtle smile soon spreading across such plush, pink lips.

With the large strap unhooked and tossed to the side, my hands returned to Kylo’s front, snatching at the stiff charcoal coloured cloth that covered his torso, ripping the two edges apart. Thankfully, they were only held together by simple snapping fastenings.

I was somewhat flustered at having the view of his chiselled abdomen up close, finally able to marvel at his physique without feeling guilty. Yet swiftly hesitation receded, running my fingertips up the toned muscles before scratching my nails down to the clip of his trousers.

I paused, glancing up at him, observing how his irises blistered with an uninhibited greed for a long-held release, while I grappled with the surprise in how he’d let my touch wander over his bared skin.

“Tell me what you want,” I purred.

He took a deep, forceful breath, voice suddenly serious. “ _You_.” He lingered then, unsure of his answer before speaking again. “Whatever satisfaction you deem worthy.”

The statement sent a shiver of delight down every nerve in my body. Having the strength in our dynamic so readily handed over… It was truly the most _powerful_ feeling I had ever encountered.

And with it, I couldn’t hold myself back. His pleasure was the only thing to saturate my thoughts. The only thing I wanted in this moment.

Pants unclipped, I impatiently pulled down the elastic of his underwear to fully expose his stiffened erection, insides clenching strongly at the raw sight of it.

My tactic of keeping Kylo waiting as long as possible was quickly abandoned. To have my touch on the bare skin of his length…

I just couldn’t help myself.

It was starkly evident I was starting to lose the patience and control I’d managed to keep hold of. Now, pure and adulterated craving was taking precedence over strategy. 

Kylo exhaled harshly when I wrapped a hand at the bottom of his firm shaft, hips jerking slightly at my tightened grip. The whole world seemed to blur around his frame as I stared up into his eyes, keeping my focus fixated directly to the pupils. And every so slowly, I shifted my mouth towards the tip, swirling my tongue over the smooth flesh.

Our eye contact was instantly broken when Kylo rocked his head back, a rumbling moan filling the air, the lower half of his body tensing at my luscious movement. Gradually, I increased the silky motion, beginning to take him into my mouth to softly suck on the sensitive skin.

A worrying thought bubbled into existence as I sunk down to envelop his cock, unsure how much I would be able to handle. My gag reflex wasn’t exactly something I had been working on all these years.

But the uncertainty was fleeting and irrelevant. My lips slid further down, over and over again, licking and sucking, each time testing the limit my mouth could comfortably hold.

Kylo began to gently thrust his hips, groans turning coarse as I kept my steady rhythm. Fingers glided into my hair, gripping hard, the painful tugging only encouraging me to push toward the point where I was filled by him alone.

The head of his dick soon driven into the back of my throat, the urge to choke rising quickly, yet somehow the sound of Kylo’s low grunt made me smother that instinct. It was impossible not to relish the sound of him losing whatever semblance of control he believed he had.

Minutes passed. At least, I assumed they did.

My mind was too clouded with the sensation of my tongue slithering up and down Kylo’s pulsing cock, the ragged pants he made when I began sucking harder, the spasm of his muscles under me as his climax became ever closer to breaking.

I took a moment to glance up through my sensuous motion, noticing the contentment he had placed within his features between resounding moans. An uplifting warmth began to slither through my blood at the sight, one I initially presumed was relief of my strategy already being somewhat of a success.

However, the feeling didn’t fade. Instead it grew more concentrated within my chest, unable to define the glimmer weaving through my limbs.

It wasn’t lust. It was something more. Similar but… strikingly different.

I liked it.

I liked knowing I could make him feel so much pleasure. I liked that it was _my_ hands he was allowing to touch his skin. I liked that underneath the intimidating exterior, the internal wrath and fury, he was still a man, a man who had deep-rooted desires and craved satisfaction.

I liked that this man wanted _me_.

He’d said that with a resounding sincerity. It was only now that the gravity of his words finally fell over me.

Suddenly, it became all too clear.

_I felt the same_.

I wanted him. Even more than I already had literally within my grasp.

An urge hypnotised me, readying myself to move this interaction into a territory I hadn’t the slightest notion of venturing into at the beginning of the evening.

Yet I as went to move myself away, Kylo’s grip became even rougher on the strands of my hair, holding me in place, his breathing becoming uneven, erratic, inhales starting to hitch in his throat through delicious pants.

His peak was so much closer than I’d anticipated, and the impulse I’d just considered was abruptly replaced by the adamant need to push him over the edge I’d brought him to.

I returned my attention back to gliding my tongue around his shaft as my mouth continually swallowed the entire length, sensing his heavy energy build with an exhilarating radiance, the temperature akin to the warmth I could still feel pulsing through my veins. The force of it kept growing higher and higher, the tension so profound, so overwhelming, until finally, it broke.

The sound of Kylo’s guttural moan reverberated in my ears as I felt him come undone, his clutch on me painfully strong as he shot the hot bursts of his cum into my mouth, a salted taste sparking in my tastebuds.

Muscles continued to twitch through the aftershock of his orgasm, hearing his quickened exhales begin to slow, a relieved edge to every breath that rustled from his chest.

The fingers tangled within my hair eventually eased their hold, allowing me to shift backwards, delicately cleaning away the excess moisture around my mouth as I swallowed the evidence of his release. Settled back on my calves, I watched with proud gratification as Kylo looked down to me once more, relief already carved across his face.

Readjusting himself back into the cover his pants, he locked the clasp back into its fastening and moved to lean his face in front of mine. Eyes secured to each other, I begun to sense a shimmering contentment spread through me.

At least, that was until he finally spoke.

“What a good little _slave_ you’ve turned out to be.”

It was as if the scene around me instantly drained of all its colour, everything returned to its horrendously dull black and grey. Any positive emotion was leeched completely from my system within a single heartbeat, the air that swept my skin feeling so starkly cold it made me shiver.

It struck me viciously, the realisation of how senseless I had been, how _pointless_ and _stupid_ this whole endeavour truly was. The painful truth of his words brought such a devastating ache that it made the corner of my eyes begin to water.

_That’s all I was to him. That’s all I would ever be._

And for a reason I still didn’t understand, that realisation hurt more than any physical injury I’d sustained in my life.

Kylo evidently caught the rapid change in my demeanour when his hand went to reach for my cheek, his own expression morphing to confusion. I quickly scrambled onto unsteady feet, stepping backwards to create as much space between us as possible.

He stood up with me, arm tentatively stretching forward. “I’m sor-”

“ _Don’t_. Don’t bother,” I spat.

“I didn’t mean it,” he said calmly. “Not in the way you’re taking it.”

“How else am I meant to take being called a _slave_?”

Kylo exhaled hard, and his aura began to flicker with restrained panic. “I realise it was poor timing on my part-”

“There would never be an appropriate time to call me that!” I yelled, making him recoil slightly.

A heated flare of his temper soon simmered into my senses. “Suddenly you’re so sensitive you’re unable to handle a word said in jest?”

“Well excuse me if I take offence to _that_ belittling term, one that reminds me I’m still stuck on this _fucking_ ship as your prisoner!”

“You didn’t seem to be concerned with that predicament a few minutes ago."

It made a ripple of nausea filter through me, knowing he was right.

For a brief moment I was glad I was here and our paths had crossed in this way.

That notion was gone now.

I desperately wanted to keep my poise and unflinching façade, the type of resilience I could usually keep when in his presence. Yet in a single moment of vulnerability, he’d managed to tear it all away.

Frustration was swift to seize me, feeling the hold I’d kept on my emotions start to waver. Tears began to sting my eyes, a mixture of exasperation and agony filling my chest.

“I can’t do this!” I shouted. “I’m not this person! I can’t… I can’t keep doing this!”

Kylo’s stance shifted, unsettled by my outburst. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came.

All composure was shattered, overwhelmed by crashing waves of pent-up anguish, unable to stop the words spilling out my mouth.

“Keeping up with you, holding strong against your _cruelty_ , it’s just… too hard! Pretending you’re not someone who might _kill_ me at a moment's notice, someone who has already tried to...” I attempted a calming breath, the inhale woefully quivering. “I just wanted to have _some_ kind of strength against you, to feel like I had even one shard of power. But now I’m even more defenceless than before!”

Droplets had already started to fall down my cheeks, giving in to the misery, caring little for how weak I appeared in Kylo’s eyes.

“I’ve done all I can. I’ve _really_ tried to endure everything you’ve continued to burden me with and figure out how to get away from this place, from you. But I… I’m too tired, I can’t be brave anymore.” Through the tears welling in my eyes, I glanced at Kylo’s uncomprehending reaction. “I just want to go home.”

As soon as the words fell from my lips, I knew how pointless they were.

He already knew. He didn’t care.

I couldn’t be here anymore, standing before a man who probably saw me as the most pathetic human he’d ever come into contact with. My feet darted around the meeting table and towards the open door, limbs feeling heavier with each step, almost at the exit when the durasteel suddenly slid closed.

Whipping my head back, I eyed Kylo’s outstretched arm, palm facing up towards where I’d tried to make my escape. He had yet to turn, only barely able to discern his brooding expression in the dim light.

Hands rushed to the keypad at the side, trying to make the door unlock, to no avail. In the midst of my desperation, I thoughtlessly scratched at the edges, as if I could somehow force it open with my fingers.

“Let me go,” I whimpered, banging a fist into the solid metal. “Please Kylo, just let me go.”

Leaning my forehead into the cold surface, I began to sob even louder. I couldn’t stop it, all control lost, burying my face into my palms in an attempt to muffle the pitiful cries that proceeded to emerge from deep within my chest.

In this moment, there was nothing else that occupied my thoughts other than the relentless blur of despair. The room around me dissolved to blackness, wishing only that I could fade away with it.

A hand curled around my elbow and pulled at me, so gently. I found myself being pressed into Kylo’s torso, large arms encircling my small frame. A palm was softly placed at the back of my head, guiding my face to settle against his chest.

Instinctively my touch drifted to the still bared skin, feeling his warmth underneath my fingertips, my weeping persistent as he just… held me.

Every sadness, every frustration, every moment of anger now seeping out from where I’d tried so fiercely to keep it concealed. 

Kylo’s embrace remained tight as I sniffled through each whimpering cry, his breathing slow and restrained, beginning to soothingly trace his fingers against my hair, over and over.

This was all so far beyond what I thought was in the realm of possibility, it felt surreal.

“Why?” I breathed through a shaky exhale. “Why are you doing this?”

“I… don’t know,” he answered, his voice soft.

As my tears began to slow, emotions finally receding behind the wall I had spectacularly failed in holding up, I felt Kylo’s force signature become concentrated with a conflicted energy, obvious an internal debate was occurring within his mind.

Eventually, one of the arguments won out.

“I’m… _sorry_ ,” he murmured, the word coming out strained. “I won’t use that particular term again.”

I could have been soothed by his apology, appreciated how difficult it might have been for him to voice such a thing. But I was still tugged at by a harsh truth.

“It remains a reality, even if you don’t say it out loud.”

He released himself from our entanglement, a finger bringing itself to my chin to tilt it upwards. I didn’t want to let his gaze trail over my face, knowing how horribly blotchy and red my eyes would be, my makeup dribbled in black lines down my cheeks. Yet he waited for my focus to meet his before speaking again.

“I don’t see you that way.”

“You don’t?”

“No.”

On the inside my heart thumped through a few hopeful beats, yet my stare turned heated, refusing to be lulled into relief. It was too out of character, too unlike the selfish person I knew him to be.

“But you’re still going to keep me here, aren’t you?”

Kylo’s jaw became taut as his posture stiffened, the answer written plainly on his face. He was silent for a long time, noting the subtle twitch at his left cheek, as it always seemed to do when faced with inner turmoil.

“I don’t have a choice,” he eventually uttered, glancing down. His aura bristled with an emotion I could only recognise as guilt, although I was still doubtful he could truly feel that emotion.

I pushed myself completely from his embrace and he let me, clearly expecting that reaction when he too stepped back, still not meeting my glare. “You _do_ have a choice Kylo. You’re just making the wrong one.”

He didn’t stop me when I turned and reached for the keypad of the door, finally having it slide open to make my exit. I didn’t dare to look back as I ran down the corridor, kicking off my heels to race with bared feet away from the War Rooms, forcing back more tears from forming at the corner of my eyes.

*

The route back to my quarters was carefully planned, hoping to avoid as many judgemental looks as possible in my vulnerable state. Thankfully the back walkways of the _Finalizer_ were completely empty as I made my way up countless stairs, deciding against taking any turbo-lifts to avoid the risk in getting stuck with wandering eyes noticing my shoeless, makeup smeared exterior.

I was also acutely aware of my lack of undergarments, feeling unspeakably exposed as the flowing material of my gown continually threatened to reveal the bareness underneath with one false step.

Heaving noisy breaths after climbing what felt like a million steps, I snuck through the service door on the level of my quarters, rushing to the privacy that waited for me on the other side of the blast door. Slumping to the ground as soon as the durasteel glided back into place, I leaned my head back, closed my eyes and set free an exasperated shout from the pit of my lungs.

“ ** _I don’t understand why you’re so distressed. That went wonderfully_**.”

My skeleton felt like it was going to burst through my flesh from the shock of hearing her voice suddenly pierce the air. When my lids shot open, the hooded woman was leaning against the wall of the entryway a few steps from where I sat, arms crossed, a grin set clearly on her face.

I groaned. “I _really_ don’t need this right now.”

“ ** _I know_** ,” she agreed. “ ** _But this cannot wait_**.” She shifted into a standing position. “ ** _That was quite a thrilling turn of events. You’ve already exceeded beyond all expectations_**.”

Glaring up at the woman, my eyebrows knitted into irritated confusion. “What the _hell_ is that supposed to mean?”

“ ** _I’m only trying to express that you did well, particularly towards the conclusion. You shouldn’t feel so distraught_**.”

“Trust me, that’s not what I planned to happen,” I replied bitterly.

She let out an amused noise. “ ** _Ah, true. But it did happen. And it has set you on your correct path even sooner than I anticipated_**.”

“How?” I fired at her. “You heard him, didn’t you? There is no way he’s letting me off this ship. And I… I can’t keep trying to make that happen. It’s ruining me.”

The woman took a few delicate steps towards me, dropping down to my level, her eyes still hidden in darkness. “ ** _It will only keep wounding you if you allow_** ,” she urged. “ ** _You and I both know you are much too strong to let your resilience completely vanish_**.”

“I don’t know that. Not anymore,” I muttered.

She cocked her head to the side, inquisitive. “ ** _What makes you think this_**?”

“I’m _exhausted_. I’ve done what I can to keep my head above water, but… I feel like I’m starting to drown.”

I hung my head down, ashamed at the admittance of what felt like my continual failure. 

“ ** _Oh Alexys_** ,” the woman soothed, her hand reaching to place itself over mine. I expected to feel something trigger at her touch, but there was nothing. “ ** _You are not drowning. There are countless others who would have sunk to the bottom during the occasions you’ve risen to fight the current_**.” There was a comforting squeeze. “ ** _It will be worth it, I promise_**.”

She was silent then, allowing the time to settle my swirling thoughts, breathing through the anxiety that remained heavy on my chest. In my meditation I couldn’t prevent the questions from sparking in my mind.

“I have something I want to ask you,” I requested timidly.

She nodded. “ ** _I believe I already know what it is_**.”

“But I didn’t say it inside my head yet?”

“ ** _You didn’t have to_** ,” she said softly, standing up, extending her palm to me. “ ** _Come. Let’s sit. I have an important matter to discuss with you_**. **_Your question can be answered following that_**.”

I took her offer and grasped her hand to hoist myself back up, relinquishing my grip to wipe away some of the smudged make-up from underneath my eyes. As I followed her to the lounges, she began to chuckle.

“ ** _You did extremely well in your choice of attire this evening_**.”

“What do you mean?”

She grinned as we both settled into the seats. “ ** _You almost drove him to madness_**.”

“You can listen to him too? His thoughts?” My eyes widened at the concept.

“ ** _Only when his guard is down. I’m simply not attuned to his mind like I’ve become to yours_** ,” she explained casually, as if telepathy were a natural trait one could possess. Her expression turned serious then. “ ** _That’s actually what we need to speak about._** ”

“Reading his mind?” 

_Oh if only._

The woman shook her head. “ ** _It concerns his ability to read yours_**.”

“You mean his inability,” I corrected firmly.

The laugh I heard leave her mouth was almost musical. “ ** _Yes, of course. Now you have performed so marvellously at keeping him out. But the time is fast approaching where you’ll need to let that shield down. To let him in_**.”

“What?” I snapped. “I’m not doing that!”

“ ** _If you would let me finish_** ,” she hissed, her voice lowering so quickly it sent a shiver down my spine. “ ** _You will need to learn how to relax the protection around your mind, yet only allow him to see what you determine is safe_**.”

My mouth dropped open slightly. “I can learn how to do that?”

“ ** _With time and practise, yes_**.”

“Teach me!” I pleaded. “If he can see my thoughts without learning of my Force capabilities, he will finally let me go! I could finally get away from here!”

She clasped her hands together, appearing stern. “ ** _Patience Alex. After the events of this evening, you’ll need to put your emotions back into balance again. And he also needs to be far from this ship before we can attempt to practise this ability_**.”

I took a calming breath. “Right. That makes sense. But… when will that be?”

“ ** _He will be leaving in the coming days_**.”

“For what reason?” I asked, before a memory flashed into my awareness, one of an attack that included the Knights of Ren.

“ ** _Yes_** ,” the woman concurred. “ ** _That will be the reason for his absence_**.”

It was impossible not to feel concerned about what the next few days might bring, reminded once again of Kylo Ren’s taste for chaos in this galaxy.

“Where is the attack going to be?”

“ ** _I cannot tell you_** ,” she replied strictly.

I huffed out a frustrated exhale. “But people are going to die! If you tell me, I could get a message to the Resist-”

My mouth was clamped shut by an invisible force, the hooded woman displaying an unimpressed scowl. “ ** _Which is the exact reason I will not be divulging that information_**.”

I didn’t let my inability to speak stop my questioning.

_Why? Why are you going to let these people die, yet try to prevent the deaths of others that I’m somehow accountable for?_

“ ** _Some fates cannot be avoided_** ,” she responded out loud. “ ** _And furthermore, your friends are simply not capable of holding back this particular assault_**. **_It would only add to the casualties_**.”

It pained me to know she was right, realising a planned attack like this would be too much for the Resistance to contend with, even if they had the element of surprise on their side.

The woman nodded along with my inner thoughts. “ ** _You cannot save everyone Alex. I need you to focus on your own path, the one I’m guiding you along_**.”

In acknowledgment of her statement, I took time to relax my accelerated heartbeat, bringing my breathing into a more even rhythm. There wasn’t much else I could do, listening to this woman felt like my only chance of preventing a future she’d made it her mission to evade. The unseen lock over my lips finally receded.

“You’ll find me, when it’s safe to practise pulling my shield down?”

“ ** _The very second_** ,” she assured.

There was an extended passage of stillness that lingered before the woman spoke again. “ ** _You may ask that question now_**.”

“Oh,” I mouthed. “Don’t worry about it. It’s… not important.”

“ ** _I know that it is Alex. You cannot lie to me_**.”

I looked down at my hands, the course of our conversation having distracted me from what I’d deemed so imperative at the time. Sitting in sombre reflection of the evening’s earlier events, I began to feel nervous to pose the question, not sure if the response would be beneficial, whatever it turned out to be.

“Tonight, when he and I were together… I thought I felt something. Something that I never thought I’d _ever_ feel for him. Something that… I didn’t know I could feel until now. Was that… real?”

The woman smiled. “ ** _Ah. I apologise, but that is a question only you can choose the answer to_**.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I left this at the end as to not ruin the mood of the chapter. So I'll be honest, this week has KICKED my ass. Mental health is a hard thing to upkeep, and sometimes, no matter what you do, it just gets the better of you, like it did to me this week. But through it I still had the drive to keep writing, because it brings me so much happiness to think people might want to read what I've written. And I'm feeling better now. We all have our coping mechanisms, and I think this has become one of mine, but in the best way possible? Anyway, I'm reaching out into the void of the internet to say if you're struggling with something, ANYTHING, this random internet stranger would be happy to talk it out <3


	23. Fear

The air that rushed past my skin was unbearably icy as I sprinted through the dark _Finalizer_ corridors, my pounding steps echoing down the empty halls. Muscles stinging, lungs aching, I pushed through the pain that threatened to slow my pace.

An unknown being hunted me, the menacing presence that stalked my movements getting ever closer, no matter how fast I kept running. Fear continued to tighten its embrace over me as I raced through blast door after blast door, closing them behind me in a desperate attempt of slowing my assailant down.

I didn’t dare to look back, knowing every second would matter, hoping I held enough stamina to reach the main hanger with sufficient time to make my escape.

A loud crash rattled the scene, not the first one I had tried to keep my feet steady through, the floor tilting on its side for a few moments before thankfully returning to equilibrium. My view down the halls was poor, the emergency lighting systems so dim, shutting off intermittently to plunge me into darkness over and over.

The force that pursued me was pulsing with determined resolve, feeling the tendrils of its energy scraping harshly at my skin, trying to dig its claws into me, to hinder my attempt to flee.

I had almost reached my destination when another explosion hammered against the Star Destroyer. I was closer this time, the impact throwing me off my feet and into the wall, skull slamming harshly into the durasteel.

The pain was _excruciating_ , barely clinging to consciousness as the booming sound of the impact rang in my ears. Only one thought remained amongst the chaos.

Press on. Keep moving. Stay on the route to where I might make it out of this place alive.

My nails scraped against the wall as I struggled to place myself into a standing position again, the floor still off-kilter, feeling the threatening aura charge nearer with every passing second.

Head still pounding, I resumed my retreat, making it to another blast door, opening it only to freeze.

Countless Stormtroopers littered the ground as far as I could see in the grim darkness, completely motionless.

Somehow, my feet began to move again. The number of unmoving bodies only grew as I hurried through the passageway, having to dart my steps over the corpses onto small pieces of open floor.

Soon they wore differing First Order uniforms, workers of varying stations and rankings. As much as I tried to avoid it, my gaze flickered over their gaunt faces, each leeched of its colour, some eyes still open, bloodshot, and utterly _horrifying_.

My stomach threatened to heave acidic bile into my mouth, the heavy scent of death hanging in the air. I barely held the urge down, forcing the focus on my goal to fill my thoughts.

The pain in my legs continued to grow, whining at me, begging for a moment of respite, when I finally landed at the huge blast door of the Main Hangar, finding it closed. I raced to the keypad, pressing in the code that I wasn’t completely sure how I knew. As the impenetrable durasteel slowly slid open, the scene that opened to me took all the air out of my lungs.

Death. Everywhere. Bodies slumped over each other, more deadened eyes, mouths hanging open with forever silenced screams.

I wanted to cry, to shriek in horror at the picture laid out in front of my vision, yet fear of the unidentified enemy thumped inside me, pushing my advance into the enormous space. Focus quickly snapped to the closest First Order light shuttle in my horizon, frantically trying to keep the panic pulsing through me at bay.

It was as I grew closer to my only means of escape I began to recognise the faces of those who lay lifeless. People I had walked by in the corridors, patients I had cared for, doctors and nurses I had worked with on the _Prestige_.

Irwin, Larena, all of them, strewn across the metal floor, the same terror-filled look in their eyes.

My throat grew tighter, tears already forming, despair tugging at my chest as I kept my feet moving under me, not truly knowing how. I helplessly tried to stop glancing at the faces of each victim, but it was impossible, my stare drawn to them, magnetised without conscious intention.

Vixur. His students. The young twins. Kaia. A seemingly endless succession of my patients from Raxus, the villagers there. All of them. Ripped from this life.

The ship only meters away when I stopped, the realisation of the person I now spotted crashing into me with a blow directly to the chest. 

_Risha_.

Just as cold and unmoving as the rest of them. The pain of seeing her features frozen in terror pounded down on me like a tidal wave, only for the flood to grow even harsher when my stare landed on another image.

_My parents_.

Clutching each other, even in death. 

My horrified scream finally shattered through the air, the echoing sound ringing out through the massive space. I fell to the floor beside their still bodies, knees skidding along the ground, pointlessly attempting to shake them into responsiveness.

They were the two people I missed most in this galaxy, already taken from this universe before I would ever get to say goodbye, and my tears finally broke free. 

A harsh strike at the shield woven tightly over my skin was only just forceful enough to make me leave their side, knowing they would never want to be the reason for my own demise. Limbs heavy, I rose onto shaky feet and took one last look at their faces before turning away, locking my concentration to the open door of the shuttle.

But… I couldn’t move towards it. Another corpse snatched every fragment of my attention.

I didn’t have to see the face of the body that lay at the base of the ramp. I just knew.

_No._

_Please, no._

_Not him._

My whole body felt numb, darting over the familiar faces I’d come to know in my lifetime, almost tripping over my own feet as I rushed to his side. Sobs of grief were already choking me as I frantically gripped the tan jacket he wore, the one I had gifted him, turning over the collapsed shape onto his back. 

_Poe_.

“No!” I yelled out loud, the noise painful as it crackled past my throat. Trembling fingertips scooped his emotionless face into my hands, the colour drained, warmth leeched from his skin. I bent down to press my forehead to his, salted droplets splashing onto his cheeks, crying harder as it became more evident there was no heated breath slipping past his lips.

“I’m sorry,” I wept, my arms snaking around him, pulling his limp torso up to meet mine in a tight embrace. “I’m so sorry.”

I sensed my pursuer growing nearer as I remained secured around Poe’s body. Shaking fingers became entwined into his hair, the pads of my fingertips pressing hard into the skull.

With little care for the world around me anymore, I viciously snapped the lock inside my mind, letting the sizzling energy free, pushing the stream of healing Force through my limbs the fastest I ever managed before. I hopelessly attempted to flood it into his body like I had done on Raxus, trying to feel through the flesh and bone, to somehow fix whatever was broken inside.

But there was nothing left of his spirit to grip onto, no blood pulsing through his veins, no subtle thrum of a heartbeat, no current of electricity sparking through his brain. The person he was, his memories, his consciousness, completely destroyed. His body now an empty vessel.

I couldn’t save him. Not this time. He was gone.

My arms squeezed Poe’s limp figure tighter to me, wishing that somehow, somewhere, he could feel the strength of my hold around him, that he could sense this last farewell. Slowly, I rested him back to the floor, placing one final kiss onto his cold lips.

It hurt to breathe, to move, to even think, the sorrow was so painful. But I was the one with blood still pumping through my system amongst all the death that surrounded me. I _had_ to live, to at least try, if only to make the sacrifice of their lives not be in vain.

I found myself standing again, straining against the overwhelming misery that urged me to lay on the floor alongside Poe, surrendering to the same fate as rest of the people on this ship.

Yet with a hidden determination, I squared my shoulders, making my lungs finally take a full inhale and turned to make my way up the shuttle’s ramp.

Invisible ropes suddenly coiled around my limbs, freezing me into place. The person who followed my trail was here. We were breathing the same air. I could sense it without being able to turn my head and see. 

_They’d caught me._

My limbs were forced still as they made their way closer. Internally, I bellowed in terror, yet not able to make a single sound, panic building to even higher peaks, my mind tussling through any possible option of escape.

With my Force energy still unleashed, I began to utilise its power to unravel the shackles around my frame and peel them off of my skin. But the hunter was much stronger, constricting the restraints even harder, waiting until they were mere steps away before swivelling my figure to face them.

“I knew it would be you,” I hissed. “I knew _you_ would be the one to kill me.”

Kylo Ren stood before me, face hidden, crimson lightsaber alight and sizzling at his side in readiness to attack.

“What?” he shot back, the other hand that commanded the unseen chains wavering slightly. “I’m trying to protect you!”

I bared my teeth in defiance. “ _Protect_ me? You _killed_ these people! My family! My friends! You’re the person I need protection from!”

Kylo recoiled as he shut the menacing weapon off. He moved quickly to pull the helmet from his head, the expression he wore overcome with genuine disbelief. “I didn’t kill anyone!” he contended, urgency saturating his speech.

“Why were you chasing me? Attempting to stop me from making it to the hangar?”

“You were running straight to her! What else was I supposed to do?” he bellowed. His eyes flickered behind me, noticing something, face swiftly morphing into concentrated loathing. The lightsaber he grasped immediately ignited again and Kylo’s hand retracted, his control over my movement disappearing.

“Get behind me, _now_ ,” he ordered sharply, striding forward to clutch at my wrist and pull me around his immense shape. His body immediately dipped into a defensive stance, gleaming weapon raised in waiting.

When I was finally able to process the sudden development, my focus directed to learning the reason by his shielding position. I shifted slowly, moving to peer over Kylo’s shoulder, seeing the woman he had spoken of now descending leisurely down the ramp of the ship I’d planned to flee in.

Simply from the smile she wore, I recognised who had been waiting for me all this time, the person that Kylo wanted to defend me from. Her cloak, now an intensely dark black, screening her eyes like it always did.

His free arm was twisted around to push me with him as he took careful steps backwards, keeping as much space as possible between us and this enemy. The hooded woman stopped when she reached the foot of the ramp where I had unwillingly left Poe’s body.

“What a shame,” she sighed. “That you wouldn’t listen to the instructions you were given.” With the smooth flourish of her hand she slid Poe’s lifeless corpse from of her path, continuing to edge closer. “And yet it’s these people who must pay the price for your selfishness.” Her stare centred directly to Kylo. “ _All of them_.”

Before he had the chance to lunge forward and strike, the woman snatched the volatile lightsaber from Kylo’s grip with ease, catching it in her hand and twirling the glowing blade, chuckling. 

“It seems you have another man prepared to die for you Alexys,” she remarked. “I wonder if you’re willing to do the same for him.”

Kylo immediately shot his force energy out to retrieve his weapon, the power he discharged so potent I was knocked off my feet. The handle flew to his gloved hand, thrusting his other palm forward with a surge of fierce momentum, causing the hooded woman to stumble backwards. The smile she wore swiftly turned into a venomous scowl.

She reached behind her robes to reveal two lightsabers in each hand, the blades that awakened much shorter, the same neon red bursting from the hilts.

Kylo was quick to react to her threat, charging forward with vicious intent, slinging a harsh slice towards the woman. She blocked his assault, crossing both spears of scorching energy in front of her, catching his swing.

Each struggled against the strength of the other in their attempt gain the upper hand, eventually the spark of their connected sabers growing so large it ignited a powerful explosion, flinging them backwards, the heat searing uncomfortably into my skin. 

Kylo was thrown beyond where I laid watching their clash, scrambling over the bodies between us to kneel at his side. He allowed me to help him back into a sitting position, shaking off the disorientating impact of the blast. Stares snapped together like magnets, we exchanged a silent look of understanding.

I knew who the enemy was, and it wasn’t him.

The hooded woman had already made it to her feet, stalking towards us with weapons swaying at her side to the beat of her steps. Kylo and I rose to stand together, his arm again extending out in front of my body. I pushed it down.

“I can protect myself,” I declared, a strong realisation settling in my mind. No sooner than the words left my lips, the woman propelled one of the lit lightsabers directly towards Kylo’s shape. Instinct overtook my senses, driving the Force that still pulsated through my limbs outwards from my fingertips. A thick wall of impassable energy was conjured before us, the blade’s light extinguishing as soon as it collided, handle dropping the floor with an echoing clatter.

Kylo whipped his head to look at me with eyes wide, the woman screeching out a frustrated wail.

“Where did you learn that?” she roared. The fury that swelled around her was stifling as she drove a hand forward, fingers making a clawing motion to carve through the invisible shield I’d made. Her strength was far beyond my own, unable to sustain the flow that streamed from me through her devastating influence.

Even that short display of resistance sapped so much of my stamina, leaving me incapable of preventing the following assault she unleashed, Kylo’s lightsaber torn from his grip once again and thrown to the side.

She stormed forward with both arms outstretched, condensing all of her power on making him kneel, a tormented shout leaving his throat. The sound was excruciating, tearing through my flesh, right to the bone.

I could sense his struggle, using everything he had to fight the onslaught of suffering she was flooding his body with. But it wasn’t enough.

She was more powerful than even him.

When I tried to move, to stand in front of his suffering form, hoping to take the brunt of the torture she was inflicting, the hooded woman swiped a hand to the side, hurling me several meters away into a huddle of frozen bodies.

Kylo’s agonising howl was the only portion of my senses I could cling as I tried to look up through fuzzy vision, my muscles feeling the static aftershocks of the woman’s assault. When the image became clear, I saw her standing in front his immobilised figure, watching as he continued to writhe in pain.

As the seconds ticked by I began to finally comprehend what the woman was doing, what was causing him so much agony.

The energy I’d felt radiate from his skin so many times, the raw power he held within his body, the spirit of his life force…

She was stealing it from him. Every last piece.

All of sudden, there was quiet, followed only by the muffled noise of a fresh corpse collapsing to the floor.

“ _Kylo_!” I cried instinctively. The woman shot her face to me, smile returning, her aura glowing with a scorching flare. Before I was able to make the slightest movement, a single dainty hand was raised and a familiar constriction wound around my neck.

The strength of it grew harsher, the last of my breaths hissing past my lips as I scraped pointlessly at my neck for some kind of relief. She was slower this time in her march towards me, prolonging the torment of oxygen deprivation, my lungs beginning to burn, incessantly teetering on the edge of consciousness.

A voice broke through the pounding of my slowed heartbeat.

“Alexys. Wake up.”

My eyes darted to the crumpled body that used to house Kylo Ren. It hadn’t moved.

“You need to breathe Alex.” The low tenor of his voice was so clear in my mind. Composed, yet urgent, and felt so… _close_.

Through my choking gasps, there was the gentle sensation of rough fingertips brushing against my shoulder, seeing the hooded woman aim all of her intensity on the shrinking clutch around my windpipe as her figure treaded nearer. The last of my oxygen had been used, eyes drooping closed, yet I could still somehow feel a large hand softly grip around my arm.

It shook me.

Then for a second time, harder.

Once more, as fingers slowly cupped my cheek. They were warm, soothing.

“Open your eyes. It’s just a nightmare.”

When my lids unlocked again, the scene that had previously felt so real faded away, my vision now encompassed by the image of Kylo’s face, softly melted into concern.

The tightness in my torso was still present, struggling to fill my lungs with air as I bolted upright into a sitting position on my bed, flinching hard at the shock of his appearance in front of me, very much alive.

He was kneeling at my bedside, hands stuck in the position they had held on my skin before I’d withdrawn. I could feel where his fingertips had brushed against me, a subtle burn at the nerve endings.

His expression grew more troubled when I couldn’t bring my breaths back to an even rhythm, my rib cage refusing to expand, the adrenaline in my bloodstream setting my heartbeat to an uncomfortably fast pace. The all-consuming fear that had ignited within my dream wouldn’t fade, leaving me with an unbearable panic thrashing inside my skull, one I wasn’t able to calm.

Kylo finally moved, lunging forward, his grip finding its way around each of my wrists, twisting my hands face up in front of me.

“Trace the lines with your eyes,” he insisted, his voice stern. “The lines, on your palms. Focus on them. _Only_ them.”

I did what he said, aiming my vision on the creases etched into the skin, following the contours over and over, concentrating on the unfamiliar streaks that had formed over years without me noticing.

Eventually, Kylo didn’t have to force my hands still through their trembling, my mind diverted from the chaos that had erupted during my slumber. The pressure on my chest began to slowly release, allowing more air within every breath, my brain finally flooded with the oxygen it was so hungry for.

A quiet steadiness started to settle over me, beginning to fully comprehend the scene I was now caught in.

Kylo, in the darkened bedroom of my quarters, the hood of a black cloak draped over his head, silently waiting for my anxiety to subside.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, a shakiness still evident in my voice, slipping myself from his grasp.

“I saw it. Heard it. Your nightmare,” he replied gently. “I was… concerned.”

“W-what did you see?”

Dread washed over me, alarmed at what he might have discovered during the time I wasn’t able to keep my mental shield intact.

“Only brief flashes,” Kylo murmured. “It was your emotions I felt more clearly. Mostly fear. And… _grief_.”

I wasn’t able to speak, hesitant to expose myself further with any kind of confirmation.

“The woman. You know her.” It wasn’t a question. He’d clearly sensed my connection to the mystical presence that haunted me. 

So I nodded, knowing it would be pointless to refute him.

“You’re scared of her.”

Again, I dipped my head, conceding to his statement.

He let out a long exhale. “How long has she been there, in your mind?” His stare was severe, as if this fragment of information was the most crucial of all.

“Always.”

There was a poignant moment of silence between us, Kylo dwelling over my answer, a deeper comprehension appearing in his eyes that he didn’t verbalise.

But I was still anxious he’d seen more than I wanted him to, noticed so many incriminating details, that I stayed cowering into the headboard of my bed.

A familiar haze descended around my body, wisps of heavy smoke brushing at the fragile protection I had barely managed to build after being so suddenly awoken.

I couldn’t blame him for making another attempt at infiltrating my mind. Being privy to it, even fleetingly, would have only further fanned the flames of his curiosity.

Yet the smog wasn’t nearly as hostile as it had been in previous encounters, the connections it made while wandering over my skin almost having a… _calming_ edge to them. The frustration I saw Kylo wear also seemed different, more worried than aggravated. He only allowed the fog to drift for a few more seconds before letting it dissipate out of the air between us.

It wasn’t long until I was able to sense the contest within him, a decision between staying or leaving controlling his psyche. Before I could voice my opinion on the matter, he moved to stand tall on his feet.

“Are you… alright?”

I wanted to tell him. What I really felt.

_No. No, I’m not alright._

I was scared. Incessantly turning over the events of my nightmare, reminded of the countless deaths I’d caused. That I might still be the reason for.

But… I couldn’t show it to him. I didn’t want to reveal any more of my weakness.

“I’m fine,” I uttered. “You don’t need to be here.”

It was if he already assumed my answer before I’d said it, barely a wince in his features. While his jaw grew tight, he nodded curtly in my direction and turned to leave, the thickened fabric of his cloak rustling behind him as he strode past my bedroom door, the durasteel sliding closed.

I began to curl my legs to my torso as he moved away, hugging my knees, trying to fortify as much courage and strength to keep the tears that still threatened to break at bay.

Alone again, I couldn’t stop thinking of their faces, their lifeless empty eyes, still recalling how cold their skin had been to the touch. It had felt so _real_ , as if I was recounting a memory rather than a dream, the way the moving images blinked through my mind.

My head perked up when I heard the sound of my door slipping open once more, Kylo walking calmly back inside my room, eyes not meeting mine.

I could only watch in quiet bewilderment as he slipped off his cloak and draped it over my drawers, seeing he was only wearing night clothes underneath. He bent down, undoing the fastenings of his boots before standing again to pull them off.

He maintained his lack of eye contact even when making the few steps to my bedside, seizing the edge of the comforter and throwing it away.

“Move over,” he instructed, somewhat too harshly.

“What are you-”

“ _Shhh_ Alexys. Just move.”

I was so distracted by shock that I immediately released the hold around my legs, shifting across. Wide eyes stared at Kylo as he sat into the bed next to me, swinging his legs onto the mattress, resting his back against the headboard.

“Come here.”

I felt my heartbeat hammer through every artery in body. “What?”

He sighed, a noticeable shakiness in his exhale. “ _Come here_.”

“Wh-”

“Would you stop being defiant for once? I’m trying to be… _nice_.”

The word couldn’t have sounded more bizarre coming from his mouth. A part of me wondered if I was still dreaming. Surely this couldn’t be a reality I would ever experience.

Yet as his eyes met mine, sitting in frozen silence, I was captured in the urge to do as he asked. The earnestness of his expression so intense I could feel the burn of his gaze flow deeply past my irises into the rest of my body.

It was so warm. Comforting.

I wanted more of that feeling, more of that peaceful energy to stream throughout my being, keeping away the intrusive memories of death and fear.

My movements were slow, hesitant, expecting his offer to be revoked at any moment. But as my body grew nearer, his arm shifted to loop around my torso, guiding me to lay against his chest.

I positioned my hand to lay delicately on his opposite flank as his other arm curled over me, fingertips grazing against the skin of my upper limb before his grasp locked near my elbow, drawing me closer. My cheek slipped into the space below where his neck and shoulder connected, noting how warm he was, the radiating heat smouldering into my face in the most soothing way.

Kylo’s chest swelled with a deliberate inhale, resting his chin onto my hair. As the air blew out his lungs, I could feel his tensed muscles gradually release, both settling into each other’s embrace, only the soft glow of my lamp and the hushed sounds of our breathing to keep us company in the night.

For a long time, no words were spoken.

Kylo kept his arms encircled around me, occasionally letting his fingertips stroke my skin, the gentle movement only strengthening the serenity that soon encompassed my mind, the panic and distress that had left me so breathless a fading memory.

I knew I would never forget the unsettling images my brain had conjured from fears I did my best to ignore. Although, right now, they didn’t matter. Nothing mattered except for the tranquillity that was surging between Kylo’s body and mine.

I wondered if he felt it too, the same sense of calm that I did. If he noticed how the contours of my shape fit so seamlessly into his.

Many minutes floated by, until Kylo’s low voice rumbled, breaking the long-held silence.

“I used to have nightmares too,” he murmured. “Almost every night.”

I contemplated his remark, before speaking in a softened tone. “Used to?”

“They haven’t disturbed me for a while.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“I killed the cause of them.”

I hoped desperately he didn’t feel the way my body stiffened against him. 

_Don’t react. Stay calm._

“I… don’t understand.”

“ _Snoke_ ,” he almost growled. “He infiltrated my thoughts at every opportunity. During slumber was the easiest time.”

“She’s not real,” I contended. "Not like he was."

“Are you entirely sure of that?”

I opened my mouth to deny his question, soon finding that I couldn’t, not truthfully. “I don’t know.”

“Has she appeared anywhere other than inside your mind?” he queried.

“As in, have I seen her with my own eyes?”

“Mmm.”

“I’m not sure,” I answered honestly. “There’s still a part of me that thinks she’s a figment of my imagination.”

Kylo was quiet for a few beats. “She isn’t.”

“How can you tell?”

“I’m familiar with the circumstance. Having another distorting what you see, what you feel. In the few moments I was allowed to observe the visions within your head, I sensed it. Something else, another presence, playing off your fears. As Snoke had done to me.”

My heartbeat raced, worrying what this realisation meant, what it might reveal about my abilities. So much of my secret was displayed within my dreaming, and I still didn’t know how much he had actually seen. 

_I should have lied._ _Or fled._

“Do you know why?” he asked. “Why this woman pursues you?”

“No.” A single truth surrounded by lies. I knew what she wanted me to do, what would happen if I disobeyed her warnings. Why it was me she’d centred her focus on… that I didn’t know. “Maybe there isn’t a reason.”

Kylo shook his head as if I foolish.

“There _always_ is. Snoke wished to manipulate my power, the one forced on me through my blood. He hoped to bend it to his whim. And he did. Until it snapped.”

The air around him grew heavy with revulsion, a memory I couldn’t visualise playing within his mind.

“I don’t have any power,” I mumbled, wishing I had put more conviction into my tone.

It unsettled me when I heard Kylo chuckle softly, his heated energy quickly simmering down.

“We both know that’s not true.”

_This was the moment. He’d figured me out._

More uncertain silence sat between us as I waited for Kylo to speak again, not daring to supply an incriminating reaction. He also sat in anticipation for something, a change in my demeanour, maybe even the quiver of my hand. Yet I stayed locked in readiness for his explanation.

“It may not be the same, but you keep an _infuriatingly_ strong power within you. One I’m unsure you’ve realised the potency of.”

The tenderness of his voice confused me. He sounded… _nervous_.

I needed more information. I needed his expression to tell me what his words couldn’t fully articulate.

Pulling my face from where it laid against his chest, I met my eyes with his. The sincerity shining within them was so disarming, so surreal, I almost forgot what I had been about to ask.

“What do you mean?” I finally breathed.

Kylo brought a large hand to frame my cheek, his stare momentarily flickering to where a thumb moved to brush against my skin. 

“The power you have... over me,” he said gently. “Your presence lingers, in my mind. Persistently invading my thoughts. Keeping me… _distracted_.”

While infinitely relieved I’d once again avoided Kylo uncovering the secret I was clutching to so tightly, I became more captivated by his revelation, a hypnotising thrill spreading from deep within my chest.

“You think of me?”

“While mostly not of my own choosing… Yes. I do.”

The buzz of electrified energy had now flooded into my limbs. “What do you think about?”

He wavered in his answer, moving his lips as if to speak, only to press them together again. There was a chaotic contemplation that occurred behind his eyes, in the energy that shimmered from his figure. Eventually, a solid resolve became clear in his expression.

And he kissed me.

Slowly, tenderly, the hand that rested on my cheek now being used to draw my face closer.

As my lips began to mirror his movements, mouth parting to let his tongue slide deliciously over the flesh, it intrigued me how different this kiss was to those we’d shared in previous exchanges.

Neither of us rushed to intensify the connection of our lips, to let our hands grasp impatiently at the other’s clothes, or allow passionate impulse to take control.

It was just a kiss.

Gentle. Delicate.

I didn’t want it to end.

Which is why I was subtly displeased when Kylo pulled away, leaning his forehead to mine.

“That’s what I think about.”

“I’ve thought about that too,” I whispered, the words tumbling from my mouth before I had a chance to stop them. 

Once more his mouth was on mine, still just as soft, energy glowing with the familiar unnameable emotion I relished now more than ever.

Yet again he withdrew, securing our stares together.

“You need rest.”

“What?”

“There is something I wish to discuss with you tomorrow,” he replied. “And I do not want sleep-deprivation to cloud your decision.”

My eyes scrunched into unease. “You can’t discuss it with me now?”

“I’d prefer not to.”

“Why?”

His deep exhale bristled over my cheeks. “I… want to stay like this. At least, for a little while longer.”

My head bobbed in agreement.

_I wanted that too._

Before I was able to settle onto his shape, Kylo began to shuffle his body down into a proper lying position, leading me down with him. The arm that curled around my back shifted momentarily, grasping the edge of the quilt, throwing it over us both.

I relaxed against his torso, gliding my hand around his abdomen, unconsciously pulling myself tightly to his form.

So natural. So easy. To be like this.

It should have frightened me. Yet no trace of fear made itself known. Only... contentment.

There was a small movement in the palm that had landed at the curve of my waist, fingers tensing towards the lamp, the darkness of my bedroom descending in an instant. I nuzzled closer to Kylo’s chest, listening to the sound of his strong heartbeat against my ear, the steady rhythm soon lulling me into a peaceful sleep.


	24. Control

Waking to a new morning was always different on the _Finalizer_. There was no orange glow of daybreak to slowly bring me into consciousness, no soft heat of the sun’s rays filtering in through an open window. My eyes would only open to darkness and relentless chill, as they did now.

This morning felt colder than others.

It was the first thing I noticed, the fact I was alone. His warm, calming embrace was gone, yet the sensation of his touch still seemed to be branded on my skin. Fingers clutched the sheet where he had rested with me, burrowing my face into the pillow where his head laid, breathing in the delicious scent of musk and charred cinders.

I’d always felt horribly lonely in this bed from the first night I’d spent in these quarters, but never had that emotion overwhelmed me more than in this moment.

Turning the lamp on at my side, my eyes drifted to where Kylo had placed the pieces of clothing he’d shed in the night, senselessly hoping they would still be there, that he might still be with me, that he hadn’t slipped away before saying goodbye. And I realised.

_I missed him._

Had I really crossed this line? It felt so blurred I couldn’t tell anymore. Was it truly him I was feeling this connection to? Or simply the way my body reacted when close to his, the soothing energy he ignited with his touch?

On replaying the scenes following the chaos of my nightmare, there was one in particular that seemed to capture the majority of my attention.

_His kiss_.

So kind and unassuming. A reflection of the thoughts that had apparently plagued his mind. A kiss I’d returned with just as much sentiment, and impulsively revealed my longing for.

The need for his having lips on mine was still present, more fervently than it had been in the early hours of this morning.

_Oh._

_Oh no._

It was there, crackling wildly inside my chest, an awareness that was both invigorating and positively _terrifying_.

The way I pictured him in my mind, the way I felt when he consumed my thoughts, it had changed. He was something more to me now. _We_ were something more.

The shock of it made me sit bolt upright in the bed. This wasn’t part of the plan. This _couldn’t_ be part of the plan.

“Stop thinking of the nightmare,” Kylo pressed, appearing at my door wearing the cloak I’d just searched for. In his hands were two mugs with steam billowing into the air. “It’s not beneficial.”

“I… _uh_ … I wasn’t,” I all but strangled out, alarmed by both his sudden reappearance and the insight he’d just interrupted.

“What are you thinking about to cause such a worried expression?” He began make his way to the edge where my body was sitting rigidly, eyebrows creased.

“Nothing. I’m just… waking up,” I insisted.

Kylo huffed before settling down on the mattress where my legs sheltered under the quilt. “You are one of the few who is fortunate enough to get away with hiding things from me.”

“I’m not hiding anything.”

“Right,” he muttered, firmly unconvinced. “Regardless, my instruction still stands. Don’t replay the dream. It will only cause an obsession to grow. That is her goal.” He offered me one of the beverages in his hands, finally noticing the robust smell of caf filtering into my nose.

I looked at it and forgot to control my face, feeling it turn into a puzzled frown.

“You don’t drink caf?” he questioned.

While I forced my tense expression to dissolve, the confusion was hard to erase from my eyes. “Did you… make this for me?”

“I am more than capable of brewing a simple beverage,” he grumbled.

“I _know_ ,” I protested. “That’s not what I was implying. I just… didn’t think you’d still be here, let alone make the effort of doing something so… _considerate_.”

I watched as instinct made Kylo’s features initially turn into a scowl of offence. Although, it wasn’t long before it fizzled out. There was a resignation in his energy, a shamed disappointment centred directly onto himself. It was obvious I’d emphasised an insecurity he held deep down, one he didn’t think I could see.

While I fretted about being nothing but his slave, he was afraid of being nothing but my captor, a villain, the monster that I’d once seen him as.

When he was about to turn, to revoke his offer, I quickly grasped the cup into my two hands.

“Thank you,” I beamed. “It’s really kind of you.”

Kylo was vaguely startled by my snapping movement, and while he remained suspicious, there was softening around his eyes.

“You’re welcome,” he mumbled, looking away as he took his first mouthful of caf. 

I mirrored his action, taking a small sip of the hot liquid and swallowing quickly. It was an incredible feat to keep my face blank as the bitter taste buzzed on my tongue. Yet, as the seconds ticked by, I lost my capacity, face twisting into a sickened grimace.

“ _Kriff_! I thought I liked _my_ caf strong,” I coughed.

Kylo hummed in slight amusement at my response. “I should have warned you about that.” He went to take the cup from my hands. “I can make another, if you’d prefer.”

I pulled the mug closer to my chest, objecting. “No it’s fine. I just need a second to get used to it.” With another swig I kept my expression more controlled, even when the sharp flavour was just as potent as before. Kylo continued to seem entertained by my determination, refusing to let this one beverage defeat me.

“I’m beginning to sense a pattern with you,” he remarked, stretching his legs out, one hand resting back on the mattress over my thighs. It felt a little more than a little strange to see him lounge so casually.

I had just taken another tart mouthful. “Hm?” 

He was thoughtful prior to answering. “It is not simply stubbornness… Although that has shown to be been a recurring problem,” he mused, ignoring my immediately insulted reaction. “It is more akin to… _persistence_. You do not allow yourself to be subdued, or defeated, by anything.”

I snorted out loud, once again reacting before conscious thought might have stopped me.

He raised an eyebrow. “You don’t agree?”

“It’s not a way I would have described myself, no.” Silence descended briefly, studying the exquisitely sculpted lines of his face, seeming the most relaxed I had ever seen them. “Something’s changed.”

“What do you mean?”

“Since when are you able to give me a compliment?”

It was a genuine question, wondering what parallel universe I had awoken into.

He took one glance at my concerned expression and… _laughed_. A low, hearty chuckle that made me reflexively break out with a smile. I was definitively sure I’d never heard such a captivating sound in all my life.

“What?”

“It’s humorous to me,” he uttered. “Your scepticism I couldn’t possibly say something positive about you.”

“You have to admit, it’s _significantly_ out of character.”

“True,” Kylo nodded. “But you haven’t chosen to voice any accolades in my direction either.”

_Damn. He was kinda right._

“And just what have you done that I should be so grateful for?”

Kylo shifted into a more upright posture, moving to grab the cup I was holding. Setting both pieces of porcelain on the bedside table, he leaned in close. “I seem to recall one instance where some form of praise would have been warranted.”

Pushing through the thrill of excitement that came with his close proximity, I rolled my eyes. “Oh _Supreme Leader_ , please let me offer my sincere apology for not _showering_ you with adoration.”

He froze, the light-hearted appearance he’d worn melting away. Taking a deepened breath, his eyes narrowed. “Say that again.”

“Excuse me?”

“You know _precisely_ what I need you to say,” he growled, a hand slipping up my still covered leg.

“You haven’t heard enough of that title already?”

I could hear his teeth grind together, clawing at the quilt and pulling it away. “ _Say_. _It_.”

Tilting my chin up, defiant, a wicked smirk painted my lips. “Is there a particular reason why?”

“I… _enjoy_ the way you say it.” The roughened tone of his voice was intoxicating, pulling me under its spell.

“And what do I get in return for following these orders?”

Kylo raised a hand to curl at my neck, pulling my face to his, lips almost touching. Having the sickly-sweet scent of his breath fill my senses was almost too much to bear.

“I will allow you to dictate some of your own.”

A violent spark of electricity flared in my core, the tiniest of spasms tensing the thigh under Kylo’s palm.

He definitely noticed. “ _Ah_. Another pattern I’ve observed. You relish _control_.”

“I believe that’s a shared trait,” I murmured, glaring into his eyes. “One I doubt you could let go of.”

“I would make an exception.”

Teeth bit into my lower lip, tantalised by the thought of having dominance over this formidable man who held so many under his command. “Is that so?”

He hummed a yes, the heat of his exhale making me shiver. I damned my body for exposing me yet again, Kylo quietly triumphant at my physical reaction.

Temptation was wreaking havoc on my rational thought. I couldn’t deny that within this moment, after the night we’d spent together, I was so much more vulnerable to his allure.

My mind wouldn’t stop replaying everything I’d felt in the War Room. His touch, his kiss, the magnificent surge of pleasure he ignited so effortlessly.

Lips parted, willing to speak the words he was craving to hear, seeing his breathing hitch in anticipation.

A piercing chime abruptly rung out from my beside. 

_My chronometer alarm_.

Kylo’s arm immediately shot out towards the small electronic cube that had disrupted us, his eyes fixated on mine, unblinking. In my periphery I saw his open palm clamp shut, the sound of crumpling metal instantly replacing the screaming bell, then silence.

The sound had knocked a semblance of rationality into me, its interruption a reminder of the grander reality I still found myself in. 

_Power_.

I needed to amass as much of it as I could. I’d already given away too much.

He had been right. I did like control. And it was time to enforce some of that authority.

I dared to place a quick peck at his cheek.

“Maybe another time,” I purred, shifting to leave, moving too swiftly for him to stop me. As I strode towards the exit, he whipped his body around to face me, arm outstretching towards my shape. I awaited the ropes of his Force to grind me to a halt, but he hesitated, apparently deciding against it.

“Where _exactly_ do you think you’re going?” he scowled, the tension showing in his jaw.

I stopped at the door frame, holding back the urge to smile at his irritation. “You heard the alarm. I have a job to get to.”

Not affording the option of a rebuttal, I slipped into the living area of my quarters, listening to his heavy footsteps as he stormed after me. I’d almost made it to the ‘fresher when his voice called urgently from behind.

“ _No_. You don’t. You don’t need to leave.”

A loud sigh left me, turning to face him. “Kylo, you can’t force me into undertaking this work and then keep me from doing it on your own _impulses_. You don’t get to have it both ways.”

“That is not the reason I was implying you stay,” he stated firmly.

“So? What is the reason?”

Stoic, his stance stayed impossibly still. “I have released you from your duties. As of last night.”

My eyes could only stare at him questioningly. I tried to find my voice, yet it seemed lost in the deepest confines of my chest.

Kylo took a tentative step forward. “It was one of the points I wished to discuss with you. Although, I hoped it to be in a more professional context.”

“I don’t understand.”

“While your service has been advantageous to my Order, the circumstances of your imprisonment have… _changed_.” There was an aura of discomfort around him as he spoke, noting how he’d reverted to a more authoritative tone.

Eyebrows creased, there was still an optimism within my question. “Are you… letting me go?”

Kylo’s lips pressed into a hard line, eyes drifting downwards. “Not exactly. There are some finer details I need to debate with High Command. It was after those deliberations I hoped to meet with you to discuss your future with the First Order.”

_Had my plan worked? Had I finally swung his favour in my direction?_

I was closer than ever to being free of his captivity, but there was still a provocative question that burned me too much not to ask.

“Why do you need to confer with High Command? I had _assumed_ your decisions were law.” 

His returning glare was icy, clearly displeased, yet he kept his demeanour calm. “I cannot be seen providing too much bias to a singular prisoner.”

“That doesn’t seem like something… a _person with your standing_ , would have to be concerned with. Can’t you simply enforce whatever ruling you deem necessary?”

When he noticed I’d purposefully skipped over the formal title his irritation grew more obvious. “I do not wish to be a _dictator_. An effective leader cannot always rely on his own judgments. I trust my Generals to make assessments for this Order that I may not see, or might prove to be unsuitable.”

It was an interesting notion, to think Kylo didn’t have the desire to rule an organisation like this, or even the galaxy as a whole, in the way I’d always envisioned. Sure, there were comments stated in previous conversations that already refuted the concept, that hinted at a divergent leadership style to his previous superior.

But it was only now, in light of what he’d divulged to me about the man who’d dug so far into the core of his soul, that it seemed my beliefs might be wrong.

He had been silent as I mulled over his answer, and the possibility of some form of freedom, my face softening before I spoke again.

“So, these details, you can’t disclose them now?”

He shook his head sharply. “No.”

I placed my palm up in a waiting gesture. “Because?”

“There is another matter I must prioritise and execute in the coming days that will have an effect on your detention here. And it remains highly confidential.”

“The attack you're planning,” I blurted, my teeth clamping shut too late to stop the words.

Kylo’s posture snapped straight. “How did you come to know this information?”

_Be honest._

“It was mentioned within a conversation I wasn’t meant to hear. In the _Prestige_ , between your Knights.”

“Did they say where the attack is intended for?” He had stormed close to me, his expression starkly more fearful than angered. 

“No,” I replied, holding my composure. “They didn’t mention that exact piece of information. Or at least, I happened to miss it.”

The severity within his face cooled, muscles releasing their tension. “Good… good.”

It was peculiar he didn’t make a point of scolding me for spying on his personnel. Although, maybe he’d long realised it would be something I would attempt to do.

While I was eager to know where his aim was focused for the planned strike that would, in Cardo’s words, ‘ _piss off half the galaxy_ ’, I also realised it would be futile. And somewhat selfishly, I was a little more concerned with my own fate.

“So you’re not going to tell me _anything_ more about what you want to discuss? I just have to wait around here all day for you to have your meetings to debate about _my_ future?”

“Would you rather I not have them? Because that can be arranged,” he retaliated cuttingly.

I winced at that prospect. “…Fine.”

“Besides,” he began. “I have a task where I hoped to utilise your skills today.”

“I thought you’d released me from my duties?” I questioned, folding my arms.

“I have. It is not a part of your imprisonment. You have the option to refuse.”

I cocked my head to the side. “Are you asking me for… _a favour_?”

“It’s not the term I would have used. But if you wish to see it that way, then yes. I am asking for your assistance,” he affirmed.

“And I can say no?”

Kylo nodded.

I narrowed my eyes, wary. “So what is it then?”

“I would like you to perform individual health evaluations on the Knights of Ren.”

“For what possible reason would you need me to do that?”

He looked down at my scrunched expression with importance. “The mission we will be embarking on is dangerous, and requires a great deal of strength and precision. I need their physical state to be faultless, particularly after the events of the viral infection. You have appeared to gain a portion of their trust, so I believe you should be able to compile this information without too much resistance.”

“Have they refused in the past?”

“Technically no,” he declared. “But that is due to the fact I’ve never attempted to impose this kind of review before.”

I groaned. “ _Kylo_! You know how this is going to look to them! It’ll give the impression you’re doubting their abilities. And I’ll be the one to deal with consequences, since I can assume you’ll not be present during these assessments.”

“I’ll be alerting them this is a mandatory requirement before you attend,” he assured me. “It’s for both their safety and my own.” Kylo was sombre then, reflecting internally on his own words.

It was the first time I’d let the concept enter my mind. Of Kylo being in danger.

This wasn’t the same type of battle he’d waged on other cities throughout his time after ascension, the ones I’d heard and read about on Raxus. It was large-scale, risky, and worryingly more serious than he was letting on. There could be no opportunity for failure, not even the slightest threat.

I could see it behind his eyes, the idea that this attack, and the mission he was leading his men into, brought about death as a conceivable possibility.

“Alright. I’ll do it.”

He appeared surprised at first, then his own version of pleased, a faint softening of his usually sharp features. “Thank you.”

“You know, it’s the first time you’ve ever said that to me,” I noted.

“That’s… _hm_.” His eyebrows crinkled together. “You might be correct.”

“Trust me, I am. I would have remembered something so unlikely.”

Kylo looked down at me, his face somewhat unreadable. “The concept is not so implausible now, is it?”

“Evidently not.”

There was an unusual energy exchanging between us, bodies mere inches apart, a calm hush lingering in the atmosphere. It was clear Kylo was contemplating something similar to what I was.

The nature of our relationship, whatever kind that it was, had changed so much since that very first contact in the interrogation room. I was reminded again of the sparkle glimmering in my chest that tormented me with thoughts and feelings I’d never anticipated, the same ones that I still felt for-

“I’ll alert the comm-system when your presence is warranted for the Knights,” he advised, disrupting my internal monologue.

“Right. Sure,” I agreed rapidly. “I… guess I should get ready for when that time comes.” My eyes glanced behind me towards the ‘fresher. “I’m going to take a shower.”

Kylo’s jaw became taught, watching as his eyes scanned down my shape. He was silent for an excruciatingly long time, his energy flickering with a gentle glow of deliberation.

“Would you consider… letting me join you?”

Oh _maker,_ how I wanted to say yes.

The word was waiting on my tongue, mind hollering to let the answer slip past my lips. I wasn’t entirely certain how I succeeded in holding it back, particularly with the way Kylo looked now, seeming so captivated by the thought of our bodies entwined, stripped bare, under a torrent of streaming water, that he could barely control the longing in his stare.

The images were almost too much for my own desire to endure. To feel, even just to see more of his bare skin, it was undeniably hard to resist.

But I had to. I had to keep him hungry for me, to preserve the power in our dynamic.

“I think I’ve allowed you to have enough of me for now,” I replied.

Kylo exhaled hard. “I _do not_ agree.”

A subtle frown formed at my mouth. “You don’t think I gave you enough yesterday evening?”

“Not even close,” he murmured, moving to eliminate the space between us. I couldn’t hide the catch of my inhale as his palms were placed at the curve of my waist.

It occurred to me how much bolder he was now, obviously more confident that underneath my defiance, he knew I wanted him just as much as he wanted me.

I feigned offence. “You weren’t satisfied with what I did?”

Fingers clutched harder into my flesh. “I was, _believe_ me.” As his face grew closer, a hand shifted to glide under the thin material of my night shirt, creeping upwards on the bare skin. “That is precisely why I want _more_.”

“So greedy,” I hummed, snatching his wrist just before he could skim fingers over my bust.

“So resistant.”

He didn’t need to use much of his strength to keep his hand from drifting up against my hold. Fingertips soon grazed over the skin of my breast, caressing it, a thumb skimming the erect nipple. Instinct caused a relished sigh, hopelessly on the edge of giving in.

_Pull it together Alex._

I tugged on his wrist, a message for him to stop, one which he seemed to understand, as much as he didn’t want to. His touch reluctantly slid back down, expression darkening.

“I have never had such difficulty with impatience since before I knew you,” Kylo grumbled.

I scoffed. “I find that incredibly hard to believe.”

“Why,” he breathed heavily, ignoring my teasing remark. “Why do you keep holding me back?”

“You said it yourself. I like control.”

“I wish you’d impose it in other ways.”

“Maybe I will.” My stare became weighted with meaning. “Think of it as… an incentive. For convincing High Command of whatever you have planned for my future.”

“ _Alexys_ ,” he rumbled, frustrated.

_Maker, I **loved** when he said my name. _

“It’s going to be unspeakably distracting with those kinds of imaginations plaguing my mind.”

Balancing on the tip of my toes, I brought my lips near to his. “It will be worth it. I promise.” For the first time, I was the one to lean in for a short yet impassioned kiss, biting gently on his lower lip, pulling away slowly.

Kylo’s head rocked back in exasperation, letting out a loud groan. I used the opportunity to slither out of his grip and into the ‘fresher behind me.

My body quickly turned back once I was past the entryway. “I’ll see you later.” With a wave of my hand over the door-lock, the metal instantly shut between us.

Shielded from his view, I heaved a long breath. I’d never had to apply so much of my will power before, trying to keep my desires repressed throughout the entire interaction was _draining_. I hoped creating some distance, not having his eyes on me, would help to clear my mind of temptation.

But no, it was still there, burning brighter than ever.

I hastily stripped off my clothes, stepping into the small space of the shower. Turning the water stream on, I set the temperature to as cold as I could tolerate in an attempt to cool the smouldering heat of craving sizzling uncomfortably under my skin.

My figure stood motionless, letting the torrent of chilled water flow over me, but it did nothing to settle my mind. I felt _suffocated_ by the need for release, my nails scraping up my thighs, desperate to touch a pair of fingers down below.

Kylo’s urgent voice inside my head stopped me, the memory of his demand resonating loudly. I was no longer allowed to reach climax without his permission, and since he somehow seemed to sense exactly when I tipped over that edge, there was no way he wouldn’t know I’d disobeyed the orders I’d agreed to.

Although, even the idea of his punishment was enticing, thoughts running wild with differing scenarios where he finally seized the control I’d snatched from him so many times. 

Raking fingers through my soaked hair, I tried to purge the arousing scenes from my mind. They only made it worse. So much worse.

I placed all attention on the rhythm of my heartbeat, trying to slow it, sensing each thump pushing the blood through my system, imagining the red liquid rushing within increasing smaller passageways, mapping out the maze of circulation.

There was an off-pitch beep I heard over the hiss of water, a shape moving into the room, only scarcely visible from the steamed glass I was enclosed in.

The shower door opened, and I had no time to react before Kylo was on me, lips crushing into mine, arms snaking around my naked body, dragging me close to him.

His kisses were fierce, hungered, hands frantically straying over my skin, grabbing the flesh hard before moving on to another unexplored portion. My own clutched onto the now sodden fabric of his shirt, evident he’d been too impatient to remove all of his clothing before storming inside. I peeled the heavy material upwards, Kylo wrenching himself from me for the most fleeting of seconds to lift the night shirt completely off his torso, tossing it away without care for where it landed.

When his lips returned, it was my neck that he latched onto, placing rough kisses under the line of my jaw.

“Forgive me… I couldn’t wait…” he panted. “The thought of you… in here… It was _irresistible_.”

He trailed upwards until his mouth was at my ear, nibbling the lobe, causing a breathy moan to surge from my throat. My palms planted themselves at the skin of his bared chest, gradually slinking them down, savouring the contours of his toned muscles under my fingertips.

“It’s… _uh_!” He’d slipped down to grab a handful of my ass, yanking my lower half into him. “It’s alright… I want it too…”

“Is that right?” he puffed into my ear, grinding his still covered erection against me. “You want it?”

I nodded rashly, beginning to synchronise the movement of my hips with his. When his mouth locked with mine again, massaging our tongues together, I was reminded how divine he always seemed to taste. Fingers tangled into his dampened hair, yearning to stay within this kiss for as long as I could.

His touch fell away, only to realise he was reaching the border of his pants, sliding them down. The saturated cloth dropped to the shower floor at his ankles, feeling him step out the openings before kicking it to the side, keeping his lips caressing mine with increasing heat.

My entire body burst alight with volatile electricity when he pressed himself close, his firm cock pushing against my lower abdomen. I couldn’t prevent the shocked squeal that escaped, made aware once more how _big_ he was.

_Fuck._

_Was this really happening? This couldn’t be happing._

Kylo was too eager, allowing no time to process this sudden scene of decadence. My mind remained a blur of conflict when he dipped down, hands gripping onto the back of my thighs, and lifted me into the tiled wall.

Hesitation was a foreign concept as Kylo forced his stiffened length to glide in between my folds, not entering me yet, merely coating himself in the wetness I'd made.

He repeated the action over and over, moaning harshly into my mouth, his energy already overflowing with gratification. The sensation was _thrilling_ , my heart pounding in response, toes curling from the pleasure it ignited.

His hold shifted slightly, bringing my hips higher to position me at the perfect angle, the tip of his erection teasing the edge of my entrance, ready to slip himself inside.

_No_.

This was _wrong_.

_I couldn’t do this._

“ _Wait_! Kylo wait, please!” I gasped, wrenching my face from his. “I-I’m sorry! I can’t- I can’t do this! I’m not ready!”

His muscles tensed against me, immediately ceasing all movement, expression tight with restraint as he exhaled a bitterly harsh breath.

My voice became trembling. “I’m so sorry. I just… I… I don’t-”

“ _Shhh_ ,” he hushed through gritted teeth, eyes shooting to mine. “Stop. It’s alright.”

“I should have… said something earlier… before it got to that point...”

“Alexys, you can say no whenever you choose.” Gently, he dropped me down to stand on my own, bringing his hands to cup my face. “It is my fault for rushing you.”

“ _No_ ,” I urged. “Is it _not_ your fault. The last day cycle has been… a little overwhelming.”

He nodded. “Indeed.”

I could sense he was uncomfortable, maybe even a little embarrassed, the sudden shift of our interaction causing an awkwardness that I needed to rectify.

“Tell me what you want,” I insisted abruptly. “Tell me how you want me to please you.”

“You don’t need to-”

My index finger sprung to his lips. “Tell me Kylo. _Take control_.”

There was a moment where only the rush of water still spilling from the shower could be heard, before he had his hand fastened over mine. Guiding it down to his still hardened erection, he made me stroke him lusciously, at exactly the pace that caused a roughened groan to break from his chest.

“Make me _come_ ,” he demanded. “As you should have done in the supply closet.”

“Is that all?” I whispered.

“ _Do_ _it_.” The low snarl of his voice was enough to keep me quiet.

His hand left mine to twist his fingers into my hair as I continued to rub my palm over his cock, watching the satisfaction creep into his features. I retained the rhythm he’d set, silkily sliding up and down, my stare fixated on the way his lips seemed to quiver with every stroke.

“ _Maker_ ,” he moaned. “There is something so _unbelievable_ about the way your touch feels.”

“You’ve never felt good this before?”

“ _Never_.”

The subsequent shudder that I sensed was immediately followed by his forehead leaning into mine, heavy breaths rushing into my cheeks. He was already close, and I could only assume it was our morning sprinkled with so much charged banter that caused his release to be this near to breaking.

I tightened my grip around his shaft, leaning up to kiss him severely.

“ _Come_ for me Kylo,” I pleaded against his lips. “ _Please_ come for me.”

His eyes snapped open, the shower’s stream suddenly turning off.

“Get on your knees. _Now_.”

I did as he asked, sinking down to the floor, gazing up at his looming figure.

“Close your eyes.”

My lids shut.

“Open your mouth.”

I obeyed, sticking out my tongue for good measure.

I listened intently to the slippery motion of Kylo’s hand sliding over himself, his breathing ragged, a powerful moan soon echoing in the small space.

It was my cheek that it hit first, then my chin, finally landing on my waiting tongue before another shot of his cum was strewn just under my right eye.

My eyes fluttered open to Kylo looking down at me. He smirked, his stare flickering over the spots his release was scattered over my face. I closed my mouth, savouring it, and smiled back at him, making sure he would know how much I relished the taste.

Without another word, he turned to leave.

I snatched a hand to his forearm, yanking him back.

“Just _what_ do you think you’re doing?”

He leant down. “Giving you a taste of your own medicine.”

An invisible rope ripped my grasp away from the limb I clung to, allowing him to step out of the shower, calling to me as he exited out of the ‘fresher.

“Do not try to remedy your urges Alexys. I will know.”


	25. The Evaluations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may actually be the longest chapter to date. *sorrynotsorry*  
> WHAT A JOURNEY it has been to get here. Oh boy, I've been WAITING to get to this point. FINALLY. You'll understand what I mean when you get to the end.

As I leaned against the wall of the turbo-lift, a heavily packed medic bag in one hand, data pad in the other, I could describe my current state in one word.

_Uncomfortable._

Every limb felt heavy, my stomach constantly turning, a relentless blaze seeming to burn my insides with every second that passed. I had never felt so stifled in my entire life, the ball of pent-up energy that pulsed down below refusing to dissolve no matter how hard I tried to suffocate the stimulating thoughts that echoed ceaselessly through my mind.

It was recklessly naïve of me to think Kylo wouldn’t employ the same tactics I’d utilised on him to swing the power back in his favour, to leave me desperate and wanting as I’d made him feel before. It was the game we continued to play, a seemingly endless contest of wills, and he’d beaten me in spectacular fashion.

Yet the point that lingered with concern, amongst the long list of worries I also had troubling me, was how close I’d gotten to crossing a line I never intended to traverse over. The one I kept seeming to creep nearer to every time I was in Kylo’s presence. The same he seemed ready to leap over without looking back.

Although, it wasn’t _just_ that reality gripping me with such worry. I’d been a moment away from giving away everything I’d carefully kept as temptation, to keep him mesmerised and craving to do as I asked.

 _Why_ I’d stopped it, what caused me to suddenly pull away… this is what remained to torment me.

A memory of the person I truly wanted, deep in my bones. To have _his_ body pressed against my bare skin, _his_ hands exploring every part, _his_ lips locking with mine an impassioned kiss.

_Poe._

_Maker_ , how I missed him.

But within that longing to see his face again, to be in his arms once more, I felt so much guilt.

Guilt for the electrified moments I had spent with someone else that should have been his to experience. Guilt for the pleasure I’d felt at the hands of another. Guilt for the feelings I’d grown for the person that was keeping us apart.

Would he understand? Would he be able to realise I was only doing what I had to just for the smallest chance of escape, to find my way back to him?

Or would he see me as someone who’d foolishly succumbed to their base instincts, and let their emotions be swayed so easily?

It was senseless to ask these questions now, I knew that, their answers held within the mind of a man I had no idea when I would see again. Yet it didn’t stop them from sparking over and over inside my brain, tormenting me, distracting from the assignment I was facing.

The turbo-lift finally opened its doors to a familiar corridor, the one I’d hastily sprinted down after a second of faltered control. It was unusual to me that Kylo requested the health evaluations he’d tasked me with to be undertaken in the training room, assuming a more private setting would have made the Knights more comfortable with this whole ordeal.

But here I was, stopping just at the large entryway of the arena, trying to pull all of my focus onto the job I had to do, also knowing keeping these six vastly different men and their behaviour in check might prove to be a little taxing.

When I slipped past the door, they remained too concentrated on their sparring to notice me. I took the moment to watch them, a feeling akin to déjà vu filtering through my mind.

It was a familiar scene of energy weapons dashing through open spaces, bodies dancing around each other in waiting before throwing precise yet unyielding assaults, huffs of laboured breathing filling the air. It was still so mesmerising to me, that there were people in the universe such as this, so skilled and disturbingly lethal in combat, and it occurred to me how pointless it was that I’d been sent here to gain information on their physical condition.

Within only a few minutes of observation, it was glaring obvious. All of them were unstoppable forces, each displaying varying strategies just as calculated and deadly as the last. I felt pity for the foes these men would be cutting through in their planned offensive on the unnamed target. There couldn’t possibly be anyone or anything who would survive the onslaught, particularly when Kylo was the one leading the charge.

It was when I began to move again, having scanned over the immense space for where I’d been told an area was set up for me to conduct my assessments, that I heard Cardo’s voice boom from the centre of the training floor.

“Alex!” He immediately bounded over to where I stood, leaving Trudgen abandoned mid-swing. Thankfully, he shut off the electricity buzzing at the end his weapon before scooping me into a squeezing hug, my feet lifted off the ground, twirling me in a circle. “Where’d you run off to last night? I was waitin’ for another dance.”

I stumbled back into balance as he let me go, still gripping tightly to the luggage I carried with me, a reflexive smile spreading across my face. “I _uh_ \- had something to attend to. How did the rest of the Gala go?”

“It was great! Your doctor friend introduced us to some of your nurses from the _Prestige_. Some of ‘em even looked after me! Didn’t recognise most though, bein' almost dead and all.” There was an obvious sparkle in his eyes.

_Oh my stars, I had completely forgotten about Risha_.

“Did she now?” My view flashed to Vicrul, who had also noticed my presence, voicing something to Ushar before they both lowered their arms. “They’re very sweet, aren’t they?” 

Cardo nodded. “Yeah! Wish I’d been awake when they’d done all their work on me.”

“I hope you asked at least one of them to dance then.” His sunny disposition always caught me by surprise, and it was impossible not to mirror his cheerful expression.

“Oh, I asked all of ‘em,” he grinned. “None were as good at dancin’ as you though.”

I laughed. “I highly doubt that.”

“But you were! Was kinda jealous of that Death trooper who took my place. You know him?”

It was difficult to hold my face in the same carefree manner at his mentioning of the spy. Obviously the military uniform had given some of his identity away.

“Cardo, she’s here to do a job,” Ap’lek piped in before I could answer, emerging from behind his shape out of nowhere. “How about you let her do it so we can all get back to training?”

Ap’lek’s expression was as pointed as usual, glaring at me with a disapproval I wasn’t sure how I’d earned.

“Dr Jago,” he greeted, his tone piercing. “I’m sure you understand how precious our time is. It would be appreciated if you didn’t dawdle with these assessments. We’ve an important mission we need to be prepared for.”

“I’m well aware,” I uttered.

“Thanks for snitching on us by the way.” Vicrul had made his way over to the edge of the arena, and I noticed the dark circles under his eyes. He looked fatigued, yet still wore a teasing smile.

“Sorry,” I peeped. “I didn’t plan on it, really. It just… slipped out.”

“What were you doing sneaking around corners and listening in on our conversations anyway?” Ap’lek objected. I noticed Cardo looking towards his fellow Knight, displeased by his spiteful tone.

My voice was steady. “You weren’t exactly discreet when speaking about apparently confidential information.”

“It would have stayed confidential if you weren’t spying on us,” he snipped.

“Well _excuse_ me for coming to check on a patient who almost died. You know, _my job_? I happened to walk by an important conversation, one I didn’t want to disrupt.”

Ap’lek scoffed. “ _Sure_. A hostage just _happened_ on a discussion holding crucial intelligence about a planned attack that could be fed back to the Resistance.”

I recoiled at his audacity, while Vicrul and Cardo both looked at each other as if they needed confirmation they’d heard the same words.

“Oh, did I forget to wear my ‘ _I’m not with the Resistance_ ’ badge today?” I sneered. The rest of the Knights had come to join in watching our verbal sparring, and I faintly recognised a muffled snort escape Trudgen’s mouth after my last comment.

I wasn’t done.

“Is neutrality just too complex of an idea for you to comprehend? Or are you just so _arrogant_ that you assume that if I’m not with the First Order, I can only be, as I’ve been called before, _rebel scum_?”

Ap’lek obviously shared some of Kylo’s gift in remaining stoic even when his energy glinted with muted seething, shooting me a caustic look, thoroughly disgruntled.

“ _Enough_. Ap’lek, all of you, go back to training,” Ushar commanded, slinking past the other men and reaching for the large bag in my hand, taking it. “Come with me.”

He marched towards where I could finally see the corner of the arena set aside as my workstation, and I followed closely as he eventually dumped my supplies at the makeshift desk. The space had been readied with everything an examination room would require; vital monitor, blood analysers, a stress tester, EKG machine and muscle feedback interpreter, all having been newly placed here.

Ushar turned to me, his matured face appearing like a stern father scolding a rebellious child.

“I had hoped your habit of being purposefully aggravating was limited to your interactions with Ren.”

“He was the one who instigated it,” I grumbled. “He was being rude.”

“While I don’t disagree, there’s a time and place for disputes like that. And it isn’t now,” Ushar countered. “You need to compose yourself.”

I crossed my arms. “I hope you’ll be telling him the same thing.”

“I will. Although I cannot promise he’ll follow my orders. I would like to think you’re professional enough to pay his provoking comments no mind.” Ushar’s tone was authoritative, persuading, like he had to settle countless disagreements like this regularly.

“As long as he behaves, so will I.”

Ushar sighed, irritated. “You must already know he will not hold his tongue.”

“I’m not suddenly about to let anyone accuse me of things I haven’t done. I have the right to defend myself.”

“It becomes clearer by the day why Ren was so incensed by you,” he muttered, one hand rubbing his temple. “You’re extremely combative.”

I squared my shoulders, defiant. “I’m beginning to think none of you, including Kylo, have ever had to deal with a woman who doesn’t wither under your presence.”

Ushar was silent, eyes scrutinising my face, inquisitive.

“What?” I shot after prolonged seconds of more muted staring.

“You use his first name,” he eventually remarked, the curious nature of his gaze still not fading.

“So? What else would I call him?”

“Has he heard you refer to him like this?”

It made me uneasy, the way he kept his eyes fixated on mine. “A few times.”

Ushar’s expression grew even more perplexed. “And he hasn’t corrected you?”

“No?” I replied, just as puzzled by his question.

I was compelled to remind myself of the times I’d let Kylo’s name slip past my lips, differing interactions blinking into my mind. A few were in the height of his fever, hollering at him to wake from his unconsciousness. Others were in more intimate scenes, remembering I’d stated the word multiple times in the previous day cycle alone.

Soon a memory was evoked of the moments after we’d shared dinner together, when he’d displayed one of the early incidences of his buried humanity. It was such a simple kindness, clearing the table after our meal even when he was still so unwell, and all I’d done was urge him to stop and continue his rest, using his name for the first time.

He didn’t scold me, only recalling a startled reaction, promptly retreating back to his bedroom, while my attention had been more focused towards the almost overflowing sink than his swift exit.

It was only now, examining the scene with hindsight, that I realised how strange it truly was.

“Why is that so unusual to you?” I probed.

Ushar was thoughtful, eyes finally drifting down towards the floor, and I noticed how clouded his energy appeared, a swirl of conflicted deliberation circling his shape. He didn’t respond, instead unlocking himself from his unmoving stance and walking past me.

“I’ll get Trudgen to see you first,” he declared, and I turned as he slipped by, tempted to stop him and demand an answer. Yet it occurred to me, that maybe, he didn’t have one.

*

It surprised me when Trudgen was wasn’t offended by Kylo’s order to have each of their physical condition’s reviewed. In fact, he seemed eager for the results.

“So what the verdict? Have I passed?” he asked jokingly.

“With flying colours.” I scribbled the stylus across my datapad, marking down the findings of his blood tests. Everything was predictably within normal parameters, at least whatever normal could be classified as in this particular group of men.

“Excellent,” he piped, slipping his tattered black shirt over his head. “Who would you like to see next?”

I began to clear the needles and testing equipment in preparation to repeat this whole process again. “I don’t mind. Whoever you happen on first is just fine,” I instructed. “Although a little extra time before dealing with Ap’lek again wouldn’t be the worst thing.”

Trudgen was amused, but his expression became significant as he looked to me. “You understand his reservations about you, right?”

I nodded with a forced exhale. “I guess. Although ‘reservations’ is a mild way to put the fact he seems certain I have malicious intent towards this Order.”

“He’s the most suspicious of us, that is true,” Trudgen conceded. “But he has a right to be.”

It was difficult to keep my voice hushed. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“I’m not saying you’ve done anything to deserve his doubt specifically. He’s simply more hesitant to place trust in people, to believe only what lies on the surface. It’s something Ren particularly values in Ap’lek, to perceive what he may be blinded to.”

“Another way to guard him,” I murmured, more as a realisation to myself.

Trudgen dipped his head in agreeance. “Precisely. And in addition, Ap’lek remains the one of us who is increasingly skilled with deception and hidden strategy. Which in turn means he’s more attuned to those who might be employing familiar tactics.”

I could feel my heart rate begin to pick up. “Do _you_ think I’m doing that? Being deceptive?”

“Me?” He frowned, pondering the idea. “To be truthful… Initially. The details of your capture were hard to ignore, being seen trying to escape with Resistance figureheads.”

All concentration was pulled to keeping my face blank as I waited for him to continue.

“As time has gone by, with little evidence provided of your connection, your blatant opposition to being called a Resistance member and no word from the rebels about a rescue attempt, there wasn’t enough reason for me to doubt you anymore. Plus, you helped keep Cardo alive. That counts for a lot in my opinion.”

“I appreciate that, really. But Ap’lek knows all this too, doesn’t he?” I pointed out. “And it hasn’t seemed to sway his belief at all.”

Trudgen stepped out the chair I’d had him sitting in. “As Vicrul mentioned last night, he places high priority on finding answers and truth. And you’ve still got one big question mark over your head. That’s apparently enough for him to keep his scepticism.”

“Evidently.”

It was true, Ap’lek was obviously more concerned about the block on my mind, even more so than Kylo seemed to be now. I would be lying if I wasn’t somewhat impressed at the fact his suspicions about its origin were right on the credits. I just hoped he didn’t figure me out before I made it far enough away to avoid the consequences of my exposure.

“Alright then,” Trudgen started. “I’ll go and find your next patient.”

“Thanks for being so accommodating,” I chimed gratefully. “I realise how strange this whole thing is for you all.”

He shrugged. “Ren generally has appropriate reasons behind every decision. I know he’s just being thorough in his preparation.”

“Do your comrades share that attitude?”

“You’ll find out soon enough.” He flashed me a dazzling smile before exiting past the privacy curtain, and I took the moment for a calming breath to settle the anxiety that churned in my stomach.

*

Cardo’s assessment was easier, only in terms of conversation. I could barely get a word in as he described a play by play of the evening I had missed. He was vastly more concerned with the telling of his stories than staying still enough for me to do most of my tests. It took significantly more time to run through my exam checklist, constantly reminding him to talk with his mouth and not his whole body.

There were still lingering effects of the virus in his results. While nothing to be excessively concerned about, it still meant a few injections of steroids and other beneficial healing agents was warranted.

“ _Ugh_ ,” he groaned at me, close to pouting. “Is that really necessary?”

“It’s just a few small needles Cardo,” I pressed. “Kylo instructed me to make sure you were all in perfect shape. So yes, it is necessary.”

I saw his gaze turn curious for a moment, and I knew why, but he didn’t voice the thought like Ushar had. “Those needles ain’t small,” he challenged.

“I wasn’t aware a man like you would be so afraid of a couple of tiny needles,” I goaded. “I’m sure you’ve been hit with larger, sharper and pointier things in your lifetime.”

He feigned offence. “Who says I’m gettin’ hit? My armour is the reason I ain’t been hurt as much as the rest of those _laser-brains_.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Alright, you got me there. But can you _please_ let me give you these injections? It would give me so much peace of mind.”

Cardo huffed, but there was an obvious pull of his lips hinting that he wanted to smile. “Ah, fine then.” He pointed a finger at me. “But only ‘cos it’s you who’s askin’.”

“You wouldn’t let one of those nurses you met last night do it?”

He thought about the concept for only a moment, conceding quickly. “ _Hm_ , I probably would.”

I snickered to myself as I turned back to my preparations, slotting a vial of medication into the injector casing and twisting on the needle.

“Now remember, it will hurt a whole lot less if you stay still.”

*

When Vicrul slumped into the exam chair he let out a long, exhausted sigh, the sheen of sweat over his forehead a lot more obvious than the rest of his comrades.

“Big night huh?” I teased. “I apologise for not being there to warn you on the dangers of binge drinking.”

“I’ve had that lecture before,” he grumbled. “It doesn’t work.”

“I can see that.” As much fun as it was to see him so lost in the misery of his hangover, I was feeling generous this morning. “I’ve got some medications here that could make you feel a little better, if you want them.”

His eyes shot open, looking to me hopefully. “Seriously? I’ll take it all.”

“Ah, but you didn’t let me finish,” I smirked, leaning against the wall of my small work area. “First you’re going to tell me how the rest of the night went. _With Risha_.”

He groaned, rocking his head back. “You’re just as bad as the nurses.”

“Well, you went against my very insistent ‘no’ at trying to charm her. So I think I should get a little compensation.”

“It was worth it,” he mumbled, so low I could barely make out the words. He looked away from me then, and I could have sworn I saw the faintest blush glow at the top of his cheekbones. “Look, I don’t want to go into any details. It wouldn’t be… respectful.”

I felt my mouth slip open, both surprised and impressed at his decency. And the implication there were _details_ that he felt compelled to hide.

_Damn. I knew I should have checked in on Risha this morning._

His answer made me move to set up the remedies I’d promised on the portable IV trolley, and in my peripheral vision I noticed Vicrul's position relax.

“I assume it all went well then?” I prompted. “She fell for those cheesy lines you’d prepared?”

His laugh was rough, gravelly, obviously from a night spent in constant use. “I didn’t need them.”

I sucked in a mockingly shocked breath. “What? But that can’t be?”

“I know, I was surprised too.”

“So what _did_ you do? What thrilling stories of conquest did you regale to win her over?” My hands started the process of siting an IV cannula, thinking it would be more beneficial to run some fluid into his system alongside the drugs.

“I didn’t, not really.” It was strange, in a heart-warming way, to see Vicrul seem so subdued. “I don’t really remember what we spoke of. I just remember it being easy. Kind of… effortless.”

Both my eyebrows raised, interrupted just before I was about the piece the vein of his arm. “ _Oh my stars_ ,” I whispered, before my voice became blaring. “You _like_ her!”

“ _Frack_!” he hissed. “Keep it down!”

I immediately placed the needle safely back into its cap and dipped down.

“You do though! Don’t you?” I hounded, hushing my voice.

The struggling restraint in his expression was enough to give away his answer.

A suppressed squeal whistled from my throat. “How cute!”

He frowned, glaring back at me coldly. “Can you stop it already? If those _hutt-spawn_ in there find out I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“They don’t suspect anything yet?”

Vicrul shuffled uncomfortably, as I returned to setting his IV line. “We… _uh_ … left the Gala relatively early, without them noticing.”

“Wow, you do work quick,” I tittered, slipping the sharpened needle tip past the skin surface, watching the stark red blood crawl through the small tube. “Both of you.”

“It’s interesting that you say that, because I heard the same thing about you,” Vicrul murmured.

I smoothed down the transparent dressing and straightened my stance, folding my arms. “I beg your pardon?”

A smile creeped back. “Kuruk happened to mention something. Something about a sudden exit.” He paused for effect, peering up at me, eyes finally sparkling with mischief again. “The one you made to follow a certain Supreme Leader.”

My teeth could have shattered at the strength I forced into keeping my face controlled. “We left at the same time, big deal,” I scoffed, training my eyes hard on collecting heavy liquid out of a drug vial.

“You know, I didn’t think much of it either. Until I saw the mark on your neck when you came into the training arena.”

Eyes widening, I dropped all I held onto the trolley, rushing to the supply corner where I remembered noticing a small mirror. Bringing it to view my throat, I hurriedly searched over pale skin for the evidence Vicrul had spotted, desperate to find the incriminating sign of Kylo’s teeth.

_How had I not noticed it?_

But there was nothing there. No redness, no tiny bruises. Nothing. _Oh_.

_Frack._

I shot around to see Vicrul sniggering to himself, marching back to see a triumphant expression glowing on his face. “That was _too_ easy.”

“What do you know?” I hissed, leaning in close, my glare threatening.

“Not all that much. They were only speculations until right now. That _something_ was happening between you two. Ren’s behaviour the last month has been erratic at best. And I’ve never believed in coincidences.”

“Do the rest of them suspect anything?” It was difficult to keep my voice anything but sharp, bubbles of unease simmering through my system.

Vicrul flinched at the searing edge to my tone. “Just me and Kuruk. _Jeez_ , why are you so tense about this? I’ve been waiting for the day he finally found someone that might settle him the _frack_ down.”

“That’s not- I’m not that person.” I withdrew backwards, beginning to pace slowly. “I don’t know what I am to him,” I said softly. “I’m just trying to get out of this mess okay? And things keep happening, things I didn’t plan on-”

“It tends to happen that way,” he interrupted. “But you don’t have to get all panicky over it. I thought it would have been a good thing, that he would be less of an _asshole_ to you?”

I grew still, exhaling a long breath. “I mean, sort of. But it’s more complicated than that.”

“More complicated than two people _finally_ taking out their frustrations on each other, in the good way?”

“ _Vicrul_ ,” I sneered. “That’s not what it was.”

He snorted loudly. “Yeah. Sure it wasn’t.”

My following glare was pointed with significance. “Can you just… keep it to yourselves?”

“Ruin our fun,” he scowled.

I sent daggers straight into the depths of his pupils. “It’s important, Vicrul. Please. If High Command get even a whiff that his decisions around my captivity are being influenced by me, it could do a whole lot of damage.”

“Oh _druk_ ,” he cussed, a realisation dissolving into the rest of his features. “You’re right.”

I scrutinised his face as more contemplation occurred behind his eyes, but quickly grew impatient. “Can I count on you not to say anything about this? To anyone?”

“Yeah, you can Alex. You’ve got my word.”

“Thank you,” I mouthed.

“You don’t have to worry about Kuruk saying anything either,” he added. “He’s not the type to gossip, or talk in general.”

“But he told you about me leaving?”

Vicrul gritted his teeth, sucking in an uncomfortable inhale. “That’s actually because I asked him to keep an eye on you two.”

“Vicrul!”

His hands flew up, defensive. “I had to know!”

A disapproving glower was fired in his direction, but the endearing grin he returned somehow melted the annoyance that saturated my mood. “Ugh. Come on, let's get this whole thing over with. Shirt off please.”

“Pants too right?”

After an exasperated groan, I heard him laugh quietly at my reaction. “ _No_ , Vicrul. Just the shirt.”

“Woah, with that surly attitude I think you and Ren are meant for each other.”

I didn’t supply a counter to his remark, ignoring him to focus on the third round of evaluations I had to perform. The statement was meant to be taunting, a playful joke, but my mind wouldn’t stray far from it throughout the rest of Vicrul’s tests.

*

In yet another display of Vicrul’s provoking nature, he’d sent Ap’lek in to be my fourth patient of the day.

We didn’t speak, save from my occasional directives and warnings about what to expect with each test. It was both relieving and extremely disconcerting to have that kind of peculiar silence filter through the atmosphere around us as I continued my work.

His energy told me nothing, only a constant buzz of contemplation shimmering over his shape.

The results I compiled for him were the most optimal by far, a picture of perfect health. Although in telling him this, out of pure curiosity of his reaction, he seemed unmoved, only nodding to indicate he’d heard my announcement before swiftly leaving.

When Ushar entered past the privacy curtains a few minutes later, he appeared dubious.

“That was far too quiet.”

“You asked you civility. You got it,” I asserted. I hadn’t meant to sound as prickly as I did, but Ap’lek’s unpredictable behaviour had unsettled me more than I wanted to admit.

“Fair enough,” he conceded, walking to the exam chair and settling in. “I appreciate your help in relieving some of Vicrul’s nausea. He’s been significantly more amenable to training since you saw to him.”

My voice was flat. “Glad I could help.”

Ushar’s eyes scanned my expression. “You seem more passive than before. Is something troubling you?”

“I’m fine.” I gathered the monitoring equipment in my hands. “It’s easier for me to place these if your torso is bare.”

He understood my implication, slipping the long-sleeved shirt over his head. As I began to set the conducer dots, I noticed the greying colour of the hairs on his chest, the same that littered his haphazardly cut brown hair. It was obvious Ushar was older than his fellow Knights, but by how much, I couldn’t quite tell.

After clicking the lines into place and centring my attention on the brightly lit numbers on the holo-monitor, I became lost in thought about what a life as one of these men was really like. If they ever allowed themselves to dream of growing old or simply assumed they would die in battle before that time came.

Ushar didn’t disturb my ruminating as I continued his evaluation, remaining consistently reserved. Only once I’d alerted him my tests were over did his roughened voice surface again.

“He doesn’t allow us to use the name.”

“I’m sorry?”

“The question you asked in our previous conversation,” he explained. “Why I found your use of Ren’s name so unusual. He doesn’t permit us to use it.”

I set my datapad down, too fascinated by his answer to care about the work I was meant to be doing. “Do you know why that is?”

“He’s never outlined the reason specifically. And it seems his aversion doesn’t apply to the full name he uses now. My assumption was that he wished us to think of him as powerful as our previous leader, who was only referred to as ‘Ren’.”

The amount of information he’d unleashed left me tilted, an endless cascade of questions simmering to the surface. But it was a memory that had previously buried itself into the pits of my consciousness that made me utter my next words, a coldness settling over my skin.

“He wasn’t born with that name.”

“No, he wasn’t,” Ushar reiterated. “The name of Kylo Ren was one he chose.”

“I don’t understand. Why cast away his own name? What purpose did that serve?”

His eyes drifted away, like he too was recalling a memory. “He wished to shed his old self, to be born anew, unburdened by the past. As we all did when we joined the Knights of Ren.”

“I didn’t realise he was so… _haunted_ by his past.”

I wondered what Kylo’s childhood had been like, how having parent’s like Leia Organa and Han Solo could have possibly shaped him into someone who needed to completely erase the person he’d spent his young life as.

“Indeed he was, and still is I suppose,” Ushar pondered. “It’s what made him come looking for us.”

“Why?”

Yet the answer was something I already possessed. I knew exactly what kind of domineering influence would have pushed him towards the life he was leading now. How a singular presence could overthrow rational thought with mysterious promises of destiny and true paths.

“Snoke,” he replied curtly. “He was the one to guide him in our direction. Claimed his true power would only be realised if he joined our ranks.”

“But he didn’t just join, Ushar. He became your _leader_.”

“He proved himself to be worthy.”

I stared the aged Knight, more bitter understanding coursing through my blood. He only regarded me with an expression of significance, knowing I’d quickly comprehended the meaning behind his declaration.

Eventually, I wasn’t able to hold his gaze, looking to my feet, resigned.

“He brings so much… death. It surrounds everything he does. Every action, every decision. It’s always there.”

“I’m glad you’ve grasped that concept.” Ushar’s voice was calm, yet filled with implication. “I think it’s important you remember it.”

Our eyes met again, and I felt my patience begin to tear at its already fragile seams. “Just _tell_ me what you’re trying to say.”

He rose from the chair, stepping close to where I stood. “I don’t pretend to know why he’s allowed you use his name, why he’s permitted you to say it without consequence. But I can guess. So, I’m giving you an early word of warning, as I wouldn’t enjoy watching you suffer the fate I can predict.”

My lungs became stuck. He sensed it too, yet another person discerning the unique nature of the relationship Kylo and I had, noticing all I thought was too subtle to see.

_Damn it all._

Ushar’s gaze was severe, foreboding, and it made every hair on my skin stand up. 

“He is a _black hole_ , Alexys. Where light goes to die. Get too close, and he will devour every fragment of brightness until you’re nothing, forever lost to the universe. Another victim to add to his ever-expanding vortex of darkness. And _you_ don’t deserve such an ending.”

The only movement I permitted to make was the smallest nod of my head. With it, Ushar exited from my view, gasping for the breath I had been holding.

Feeling my legs go numb with a crushing weight of panic, I sagged into the exam chair, trying to capture all I’d heard as the hurricane of words swirled around my brain. But the storm was too potent, too chaotic, my head beginning to throb at the strength of it.

**_He is wrong._ **

The echo of her voice made my heart stop, sparks of dread rekindling inside my chest. I frantically twisted my body around in an attempt to see where the hooded woman had materialised.

****

**_Do not fret Alex, I’m not here._ **

“Get out of my head,” I hissed under my breath.

Her melodious sigh trickled out. **_One inconsequential nightmare and you return so quickly to your mistrust._**

“ _You’re_ the one who put it there. To keep me afraid.”

**_That dream was of your own making. Do not fault me for the imaginations of your fear you created. I am trying to help you._ **

****

I kept my voice increasingly low, hoping the sound was drowned by the men still swinging at each other in the centre of the arena. “You heard the Knight. You’re pushing me towards another fate that surrounds me with death.”

**_He is a wise man. Filled with a lifetime of knowledge regarding the shadow and ways of the Ren. Yes… He is smart. The precise amount of cautious towards his leader. But he is still wrong._ **

“Only according to you.”

**_For now. You’ll see._ **

A hand slipped through the break of the curtain, opening to the sight of a longer haired man, dark strands tied back, piercing grey eyes glaring to mine.

“Kuruk, hello!” I burst, a little too loudly. “I apologise, I was just taking a moment to rest-”

“I felt something,” he urged, an oddly delicate tone to his voice. “I sensed it. In here.”

“What are you talking about?” As many times as I’d placed the unknowing façade over my face, it never seemed to get easier.

He explored the area, examining it with intense scrutiny. “An energy. Not born from you. I could feel it’s vibrations.” Pupils darted over my expression, hoping it concealed the disbelief the rest of my body shimmered with.

It was clear his connection to the Force was so much greater than I’d anticipated, closer in strength to Kylo’s than the others. Maybe that’s why he seemed so distant, always on the lookout, not only to see the threats these men faced, but to _feel_ them.

“It’s just me in here,” I assured him, making sure to appear as puzzled as someone should be in this situation.

Stepping into the space fully, I saw his stiffened posture loosen. “It’s gone.”

He didn’t speak the words for my benefit, more a realisation spoken aloud for himself to ponder over. I wanted to ask him what it felt like, if he heard her voice, sensed any ill intent hidden in her aura I couldn’t distinguish. But I stayed quiet, as did he, for the entirety of our time spent in each other’s company.

*

**My quarters. 2100.**

That was the brief message I’d received through my comm-link not long after I’d returned from meeting with the Knights of Ren.

Much of my evening was spent organising the information I’d obtained, attempting to distract myself with numbers and figures instead of chewing over the reality I felt was ever closer to swallowing me whole.

Had I avoided too much death in my life? Prevented too many from passing into the unknown realms, that now it had come to haunt every facet of my future? A cruel punishment for the crime of compassion?

The concept stalked along with me as I strode the passage to Kylo’s quarters, the pace of my heartbeat refusing to slow.

I was nervous, that couldn’t be denied.

So much uncertainty, so many possibilities for this discussion’s outcome. Particularly if I continued to lose the restraint on my emotions that seemed infuriatingly commonplace in recent times.

When I stood at the door he would be waiting behind, I allowed one last calming breath. It did nothing to soothe the racing blood streaming through my veins, every pulse feeling like the molten liquid could burst from the surface of my skin.

But Kylo wasn’t there to greet me. I identified the emptiness of his chambers immediately, and it felt eery, standing here, alone, the dotted blackness of space reaching out endlessly past the transparisteel window. Although, the sight didn’t mesmerise me like it had before. There was something far more dazzling that drew all of my attention.

My feet treaded closer the bouquet of jade roses sitting unaccompanied on the dining table, their vivid green colour in stark contrast to everything else that this room housed, and waited for the hallucination to fade.

_I had to be imagining this._

Fingers floated towards the dainty looking flowers, pads skimming over a few of the petals, and sucked in a breath.

_Real. They’re real._

It had been years, so many long years, since I’d last seen any with my own eyes. I was flooded with memories of home, _my real home_ , a place that promised so much solace and comfort.

But… how did he acquire them? Looking as beautifully fresh as they did in front of me now? They were an extremely rare species, known only to grow in the industrialised atmosphere of Coruscant, and withered away so soon after being plucked.

_Oh._

**_No_**.

_Don’t let it be true._

Swivelling around to leave, refusing to wait a second longer for more proof of the future I had staring me in the face, I immediately crashed into Kylo’s muscular shape, adorned with the mask of a killer once more.

His arms moved to steady me, gloved hands placed at my waist.

“I apologise for my lateness. There were some final preparations I had to attend to.” The mechanical tone of his vocoder never made me shiver more than it did now.

I ripped myself from his clutch, stepping back, vision already beginning to blur with fury. “It’s Coruscant, isn’t it? That’s your target!”

Kylo’s frame was unmoving. He stayed calm. Controlled.

“Yes.”

The lack of emotion in his voice made me angrier. “What the _fuck_!” I roared. “Why in _hell_ are you planning on doing this?”

He let a few poignant beats of silence descend, straightening his posture into the intimidating figure I’d first known him to be.

“I wish for it to be the new capital of First Order operations. A sizeable, central planet with long established military capabilities. To keep overseeing the galaxy at large out of ships simply isn’t suitable for the extended future,” he explained, completely monotoned.

“Are you _completely_ insane? The people there, they won’t let you do this. They won’t let you just take over their planet!”

The exhale filtering from his mask was drenched with disdain. “No. They won’t. But they do not have a choice in the matter.”

_A black hole. Death incarnate._

“When were you going to tell me?” I growled, looking to him with a volatile expression I didn’t think I’d carried so intensely in my life.

“Within our discussion. The one you have disrupted.”

My lips parted in disbelief. “ _I_ disrupted? Because I’m smart enough to know how you obtained this _disgusting_ excuse for a gift?”

I grabbed the vase housing the incriminating flowers, staring directly into the slits of his helmet as I let go, the crystal smashing into tiny pieces the moment it connected to the floor.

My shoes scrunched on shattered glass as I marched to the exit, before a large hand snatched at me, gripping harshly on my wrist to swing my body around.

“I wanted to bring you with me,” he murmured, lower than before. “After the assault was over, when stability had been achieved. I wanted to offer you a chance to live in your home again.”

“How could I _ever_ want that? To live in a place you’ve _overwhelmed_ and _devastated_ for your own gain?”

He clutched my flesh tighter. “I wish to help you. To uncover the source of the voice that haunts you. To aid you in defeating it, like I have.”

All strength was driven into the action of wrenching my arm away. “I don’t need your help. I don’t need _anything_ from you.”

I stormed away, waiting for the moment his invisible restraints would pull me back. Yet they never did, letting me glide swiftly through the blast door.

The urge to let an exasperated cry burst from my chest as soon as I found myself in the confines of the turbo lift was so powerful, I could feel the noise simmering in the pit of my lungs. I wasn’t sure how I smothered it, I didn’t even know where I was headed as I stomped through the darkened corridors. As long as it took me further from _him_ , I didn’t care.

Vision still hazy with the unbridled rage that sizzled through my body, it was impossible not to notice a Stormtrooper in my eye-line stop dead in his tracks as I came into view, beginning to rush closer as I continued on my path. Moments before we would have passed each other, the armoured individual lunged at my form, dragging me with them into a randomly placed sanitation supply closet.

“Just what the _frack_ -” I started to snarl, but my words fell away when the trooper removed their helmet, a pair of warm, brown eyes shining back at me.

Poe smiled, arms swiftly wrapping around and pulling me tightly to his chest, a softened voice whispering into my ear.

“Told you I’d find you.”


	26. Pain

Rational thought left me.

It was obvious Poe’s escaped him too, our hands reaching to grasp each other’s face, lips meeting in a fiery kiss.

Every movement felt ferocious, my fingers clutching into his hair, pressing myself hard into the cold, rigid armour he wore.

Irritation flared at the barrier between our bodies. I wanted to feel his warmth, to have it soak into my palms, to feel the rush of soothing energy that appeared with the contact of his skin with mine.

Poe was just as eager as I’d swiftly become, his hands slipping from their hold on my cheeks, trailing hurriedly down my neck, my chest, landing at the curve of my waist. Fingers gripped roughly into the fabric of my collared button-down, snatching body my tight against his while our mouths continued their frenzied entanglement, tongues rolling over each other, the taste of him so wonderfully tangy.

I was intoxicated by it all. The relief of knowing he was alive. That he was tangible. Not just a fleeting dream or vivid memory.

It was too easy to become lost in each present moment as they drifted to the next, all other thoughts vanished from existence, my mind focused on one simple reality I’d waited so long for.

He was here. He was with me. He was mine again.

Tears began to slip down my cheeks before I could halt them, the surge of joy in my chest too powerful to smother. Poe seemed to notice this, the droplets having melted into his skin as our mouths moved together. He dipped down, hands gliding down my thighs, lifting me to make my legs wrap around his hips.

I followed his unspoken direction, securing myself to his form, feeling one arm snake around my waist, squeezing me close, his fingers diving into the base of my hair. My display of emotion refused to subside, sobs beginning to break through, causing Poe to pull his lips away.

Rather than meet my gaze, he guided my face into the crook of his neck, holding me there.

The tenderness of his embrace, the way the whispers of his energy circled around me, filled with an affection I’d been longing for the moment we had been separated… It was overwhelming. Nails scratched the white plastoid on his back as a began to cry hopelessly into his chest.

“It’s alright,” he soothed. “I’m going to get you out of here.”

I couldn’t articulate a response, not yet. The thought of him risking his life, alone, to save me, was too much. Shifting against the hand that laid delicately on the back of my head, my lips captured his in another heartfelt kiss, hoping to convey even a small amount of the gratitude and ardour I felt for him in this moment.

**_Stop this. Now._ **

Cold, thin fingers grabbed harshly at my collar, brutally yanking me from Poe’s arms, thankfully able to drop my feet to the ground before I fell to the floor. I stumbled backwards, crashing into the wall of the closet. Eyes peered up to his stunned expression, breathing heavy.

“What the _hell_ was that? What happened?” 

“I can’t…” I sniffled through the remnants of my tears. “I can’t tell you.”

Poe stepped forward to scoop me back into a straightened stance. “What can’t you tell me?”

“It’s… There’s just too much to explain.” I wiped away the last essence of moisture under my eyes, exhaling the most calming breath I could manage.

“Then give me the short version of why I felt someone _rip_ you away Alex,” he urged, frantically searching over my face.

“I’ll tell you everything,” I pleaded. “Please just get me off this ship. _Please_ Poe. I need to get away from here.” 

The desperation in my voice seemed to be sufficient in reminding Poe of the current issue at hand.

He pulled a wrist close to his mouth, speaking into it clearly. “ _Finis_ , target located. Progress report.”

“Destination hangar still undetermined, _Volat._ Progress delayed by increased technical barriers.”

I recognised the voice as soon as it emanated from the comm-link. The spy had helped orchestrate this.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Poe whispered, glancing towards me as he continued speaking. “Keep me updated. I want to know _the second_ you have confirmation.”

I glared up him, a mixture of fear and anger saturating my tone. “You don’t have a planned escape route?”

He pulled his arm down, and I could sense the exasperation in his demeanour. “It’s not as easy as just flying on through the main door and having the same ship waiting for us to escape in. They notice _everything_ here. It won’t be long before they realise the authorisation code I used to land was a fake.”

“So what’s the plan then? What exactly are we waiting on?” I demanded.

“The spy is trying to break through the security blockades for one of the private hangars used by members of High Command. The opening for us to enter the hangar, use the ship there and utilise the departure code without setting off the suspicion of the flight crews, is frustratingly small.” His stare turned insistent. “We’ve only got one chance to get his right, so I need you to listen and do exactly what I tell you, alright?”

I nodded, my previous anger dissipating at the realisation of how precise this scheme had been made, and how risky it had already been for Poe to get to this point. To get to me.

My arms curled around him, both in appreciation and to settle some of the worry bubbling in my chest.

This wasn’t going to be easy. As much as I wanted to admonish Poe for even attempting a rescue so reckless, I couldn’t deny I was glad he’d ignored every person who had told him not to save me, including myself.

For the first time in what felt like forever, I had hope. Real hope. All because of him.

Poe followed my lead, surrounding me, one palm slowly stroking the back of my hair. It was clear we began to share a similar thought.

One last moment of peace. One final embrace before the future could take us a million different directions.

If this went wrong, if we were caught, my survival was almost guaranteed. I was too valuable, an unanswered question still haunting my captor.

There was no way Poe would be spared.

It was obvious he had come to this conclusion a long time ago, his heartbeat emitting a calm, steady pulse. Barely a trace of fear in the atmosphere that clung to his shape.

I longed for the same composure he radiated, that anxiety wasn’t squeezing my insides at the thought of his demise.

“Stop worrying,” he whispered.

My face peered up, looking far into his eyes, the sincerity in them disarming me. “I can’t help it.”

“You saved me once. Against all the obstacles, you risked everything to save my life. Let me do the same for you.”

A thumb caressed my cheek, soft and caring. He kept his gaze locked on mine and I was weakened under it, the heated blood in my veins cooled by the certainty of his words.

“Hangar 315C. You’ve got 20 minutes before override,” the spy’s voice crackled out from the comm-link.

Poe’s eyes widened. “You know this ship. Are you able to direct us there?”

“You didn’t memorise the layout?”

“It’s a big ship! I can’t remember every hangar!” he snipped. Only once he’d responded did he see the teasing smile on my lips.

Dipping down, I collected the Stormtrooper helmet he’d dropped to the floor, handing it over. “I know exactly where to go. It’s not far.”

I allowed my mind to reach out, attempting to sense any force signatures walking the corridor beyond the closet we’d trapped ourselves in. Only two individual energies were notable, drifting away from where we stood.

“One minute and we’ll have an opening to exit,” I alerted Poe. “That’s when the corridor will be clear.”

He looked over me, intrigued, before placing the helmet over his face, disguised once more.

“What?”

“It’s still something I have to get used to,” he answered, voice altered by the artificial tone of a vocoder. “That you can do that. That you have those abilities.”

My face dropped. “Does it scare you?”

Poe swiftly shook his head, fingers slipping though mine and clutching tight. “Not at all.” He let a few beats of silence pass. “Are you ready?”

I squeezed his hand in return, smiling warmly, before letting my grasp go. “With you? Absolutely.”

No sooner than my palm moved to swipe over the door-lock, an intense burning pain ricocheted around my skull, slicing through my brain, clawing at the shield secured around my thoughts.

It was _unforgiving_ , the way the hooks pierced into the barrier, desperate to tear it away, the pain akin to knives carving into my flesh, right down to the bone.

My knees slammed to the floor, hands rushing to each side of my head, crying out from the throbbing that had ignited so suddenly.

It wasn’t long before I realised what was happening.

Nails scratched into my scalp as I attempted to push back against the assault, to drive her from the inner workings of my mind. My efforts were frantic, sending all of my energy into prying her talons from the protection I’d worked so hard to maintain.

But she was too strong, the pain of her attack too excruciating for me to defend myself. It stung every cell of my being, the scorching agony surging over every part, powerless against it. 

The connection linked in an instant, a familiar energy making itself known within my consciousness. His strands of awareness reached out to me eagerly, almost relieved at the sudden appearance. Yet the moment was pierced with a cascade of memories, flashing in sequence, replaying loud and clear.

Images of where I was hidden, the door I was concealed behind, the hope of escape I’d been given.

With every shard of momentum I could collect, I propelled a wave of energy outwards, forcing out the unwelcome intrusion, teeth gritting hard at the strain.

As quickly as it came, it was gone. The mental bond severed, evaporated in the air. My mind cleared of the excruciating pain through no fault of my own. While the shield was swift to settle over my thoughts once more, it was too late. She’d gotten what she wanted.

Poe had sunk to ground next to me, gripping roughly onto my arms, trying to shake me out of the trance I’d become lost in.

“Alex!” he shouted while trying to keep his voice hushed. “Are you okay? What the _hell_ just happened?”

My eyes locked directly to his, dread igniting through every blood vessel. “He knows. He knows where we are, what we’re trying to do.”

“What?”

“He’s coming for me. We have to go. _Now_.”

I leapt to my feet, lashing out at the door-lock and bounding past the door. Poe was quick to follow behind me, keeping in step as we began to rush down the hallway.

“We shouldn’t we running,” he urged. “It’s too suspicious.”

“We don’t have time,” I hissed back. “Kylo Ren knows exactly where we’re trying to escape from. We have to make it to the hangar before he catches us.”

Poe snatched my wrist, pulling me to an abrupt stop. “What the _frack_? How?”

I promptly ripped myself from his grip. “It doesn’t matter right now!” Sprinting away, I spotted the service door that would open to a cascade of stairs, making it to the entry and haphazardly keying in the code, hands already shaking with panic.

The second the durasteel started to slide I was slipping myself through, promptly beginning my descent down the stairs. My eyes scanned the walls periodically, looking for the correct floor, silently praying the private hangar corridor wasn’t going to be littered with First Order personnel.

“Should I alert the spy to change our destination? Would that throw him off our trail?” Poe called from behind me, his footsteps heavy.

“It wouldn’t matter. She’d break the wall again. Let him inside.”

I knew I was being frustratingly vague, that it wouldn’t make sense, but there was simply nothing else I could say. Poe didn’t fire another round of questioning, hopefully realising that to make it out of this alive, he would have to trust me.

12 floors down, we’d finally approached the back entrance for the High Command hangar set. For the first time, I slowed down, letting the door glide open in front of me before peering around, glancing anxiously over the open spaces, searching for any movement or bodily shapes.

“ _Finis_ said he would stage a diversion for the personnel here,” Poe remarked, way too casually.

“Don’t think you could have mentioned that sooner?” I scolded, moving through the entryway and hurrying towards the hangar.

An aggravated huff filtered from Poe’s helmet. “You’re not exactly forthcoming with your information either Alex.”

Wincing at the scathing edge to his voice, I knew I deserved it. But it didn’t make it hurt any less. A realisation came to mind, that even if we achieved our escape, I would be hearing the same angered tone more in the times to come.

Would he be here if he knew what I’d done? Would he have risked his life to save a woman who’d almost slept with the enemy?

The thought of it, Kylo’s touch, hands gliding over my bared skin, made a bitter taste surface in my mouth. If such a thought was repulsive to me, how could I expect Poe not to react in the same manner when I exposed what I did?

I wanted to take it all back, to rewind time and never let the hooded woman pull me along this path in the hope of his life being spared, amongst immeasurable others.

She said it was the only way…

_What if that wasn’t true?_

How could I be sure this presence in my life was a conduit for the future? There was no way to be certain, no way to verify her ability to see through time. I trusted her blindingly, assuming the reasons for her guidance were rooted in a need to create a better future for this galaxy.

Could it all be a lie? Could she manipulating my vulnerability, like Snoke had done to Kylo, endeavouring to bring her own aspirations to life?

She was pushing me the most destructive being I’d ever encountered, bridging us together.

What if I too might be transformed into a human shell to live out another’s monstrous plans?

The questions struck me like lightning, burning through my skin, soaking deep into my flesh. I felt so foolish, furious at my own naivety, wanting to scream and unleash the anger hanging heavy on my lungs.

There was no time for that, rushing up quickly to the 315C blast door, finding it still closed.

“ _Finis_ , we’re here,” Poe stated into his comm-link. Within seconds the metal was sliding across, opening to an immense space housing an Upsilon-class command shuttle sitting menacingly at the far end of the hangar.

Poe bolted to the control station placed a few feet from the ship, beginning to stray his fingers over the myriad of buttons, seeming to know exactly what he was doing. I scurried to where the ramp would land, my heart beating recklessly fast watching Poe fight his way through the security system. A noise rattled through the air, seals of the ship’s entry breaking open, the ramp’s edge settling just before my feet.

I couldn’t move them.

A lone figure stood at the entry, brown robes spilling down over the petite frame. There was the predictable shadow over their face, yet it didn’t cover the scowl set severely within the hooded woman’s lips.

Poe had rushed to my side, ready to race up into the ship’s interior. My arm flew out to stop him.

“ ** _You’re not leaving_** ,” she asserted, an eerie calm to her voice.

“You don’t get to decide that,” I snarled. “You can’t interfere with my free will.”

Her mouth morphed into a menacing smile while Poe looked at me searchingly.

“Alex? Who are you talking to? There’s no one there,” he probed, his face moving back and forth to where my stare was concentrated.

Eyes narrowed, irritation flaring at the clear attempt to make me look even more mentally unstable than I already did. I ignored his puzzlement, glaring straight ahead. “We’re leaving, and you can’t stop us.”

“ ** _No, I can’t_** ,” the woman conceded. “ ** _But he will_**.”

The abrasive pulse of Kylo’s energy surged behind me. Without a chance to turn around he had the ropes of his Force coiling around my limbs, locking me where I stood. I managed to twist my face to Poe, regret cutting my features.

“I’m so sorry.”

The vines pulled harshly, ripping me backwards, feet skidding on the durasteel floor until my balance wavered, tumbling down onto the metal floor. Their hold released, shifting attention onto Poe, who’d already swivelled to face where I laid, snaking over the armour he wore and forcing him to kneel.

Kylo was already stalking closer, the crackling sound of his illuminated lightsaber filling the space, a red glow encompassing the hangar. The second he moved to step past my slumped body I lunged towards him, reaching a hand out to claw at his lower arm, desperately trying to dig my nails into the thick fabric.

“Don’t kill him, please!” I begged. “I’ll stay here. I’ll go with you to Coruscant. I’ll stay in a cell for the rest of my life. Whatever you want! _Please_ , just don’t kill him!”

The lightsaber swung to my neck, only millimetres between it and the skin, scalding heat threatening to burn my flesh. Shaking with fear, I looked up to the slits of Kylo’s helmet.

“What does he mean to you?” he growled, a ferocious acidity to the mechanical tone.

My stare darted to where Poe was kneeling, still shackled under restraints Kylo held. He shook his head frantically, a signal for me hide the truth of our connection.

I couldn’t say the words. I couldn’t let one of the last things Poe might ever hear be that he meant nothing to me.

I glared at Kylo as he towered above, my mouth forced into a thin line, silent. He rapidly grew impatient.

“ _Fine_. I will find out myself,” he rumbled, jerking the lightsaber away. “Make a single movement, and he dies.”

My muscles became locked at his instruction, watching him stalk towards Poe’s restricted posture, powering down his weapon. Attaching it to the clip at his waist, he shifted a hand above the Stormtrooper helmet.

With a fluid movement the mask was lifted away and tossed it to the side, a flare of rage immediately exploding outwards from Kylo’s shape. 

“ _You_.”

“Nice to see you again, _Ben_ ,” Poe smirked. 

Kylo swung the back of his hand across Poe’s cheek, the sound alone making me smother a squeal. Poe collected himself quickly as I eyed a droplet of blood oozing slowly from a small cut on his face.

“Just what is Poe Dameron, esteemed Resistance Commander, doing on _my_ ship, risking his life to steal away _my_ hostage, alone?”

“What can I say, I’m a compassionate guy,” Poe goaded.

Kylo grumbled out a breath. “Did your General send you on this suicide mission?”

“You mean your mother? You know you really should call her. She misses you.”

I watched helplessly as Kylo struck his boot viciously into Poe’s abdomen, the force of it enough to cause a groan to tumble out his throat.

“Tell me why you’re here,” Kylo demanded. “What is so special about this woman that the Resistance ordered her rescue?”

“Wouldn’t you… like to know,” Poe coughed through pained breaths.

Kylo’s helmet cocked to the side. “I don’t know why I bothered asking.”

Fingers splayed out in front of Poe’s temple, sensing a familiar smoke weigh heavy in the air.

It was barely a challenge for Kylo to delve into Poe’s mind, sifting through it while his victim began to cry out in agony, the sound making a tempered fury stir in the pit of my abdomen.

His hand retracted, recoiling hard.

Poe’s body dropped to the ground as Kylo stumbled back, the concentration he had around keeping him confined vanishing completely.

In the moment he began to pace away, I leapt to my feet, running over to where Poe heaved distressed breaths, scooping my hand under his jaw and wiping away the blood tricking down his cheek.

A clattering sound rung out. My face snapped towards the noise, seeing Kylo stripped of his helmet, the molten streaked mask resting on the floor not far from the hangar wall.

The aura around his shape swirled with an unbridled wrath, marked with an unmistakable stain of _jealousy_.

It was then I realised what he’d seen. What he knew.

When Kylo shifted to march towards us again, Poe swiftly rode to his feet, pulling me with him, stepping in front my body with an arm guarded.

Up close, I could see how darkened Kylo’s eyes had grown, features set into a ruinous scowl. He’d reached for his lightsaber once more, igniting it so the tip barely missed Poe’s chest, keeping his threatening stance while he spoke.

“You didn’t attempt this rescue for the Resistance.” It wasn’t a question.

Poe kept his voice hardened, appearing stoic, but I could feel his heartbeat as it raced along a quickened beat. “No.”

“You did it for her.”

“Yes.”

“Because you’re in love with her.”

Poe swallowed hard, silence lingering before he gave his answer.

“ _Yes_.”

The energy that shattered from Kylo took my breath away, filled with an emotion I didn’t believe I’d ever felt him emit. 

_Betrayal._

Blackened eyes shot to mine, his glare crushingly brutal, before lips slowly turned upwards into a cruel smirk.

“He doesn’t know, does he?”

I didn’t answer, remaining caught within his stare, sending back my own malicious expression.

“I wonder,” he began, lowering his weapon, holding it at his side. “If he would feel the same if he knew what you have been doing.”

“It meant nothing,” I sneered.

Kylo’s face turned vicious. “I’m sure you wish that were true.”

My gaze stayed fixated, piercing into the man who believed the deaths of millions was an important and necessary endeavour.

I wanted him to hurt. I hoped every word wounded him over and over again.

“It _is_ true. I was _using_ you, to turn your favour, to get myself out of here. And you fell for it. Everything I said, everything I did. It meant nothing. _You_ mean nothing to me.”

Kylo struggled to control his expression, straining to keep the hateful edge in his features. His aura was more telling of the anguish I’d inflicted, the atmosphere around him turning thick with torment.

He looked to the floor for a few fleeting seconds, a turmoil burning behind his irises.

“It was all lies?” he murmured, the question catching me by surprise, a pain in his voice that stung my skin.

“All of it.”

That was the real lie.

But I would rather die than let such a truth ever see the light of day.

When Kylo’s eyes regarded me again they were callous, filled with so much contempt I could feel it bruise my insides. 

“And _he_ means something to you?” The glowing blade swung back to Poe’s throat, dangerously close to slicing it. My hands clutched onto his arms, wrenching him out of the lightsabers reach.

That was seemingly enough of an answer.

Unseen vines were around me again, dragging my body away, hands secured around my back. Poe was slammed to his knees, crumpled by the weight of Kylo’s mind, one sizzling blade of his crossguard poised at his neck, ready to carve through.

I watched Poe struggle, trying to cut himself loose of the confinement that clung around his shape.

It was futile.

Kylo looked down derisively at him, sensing a bitter shift in his demeanour, one that sent a thrill of ice through my blood.

“She’s been a good _slave_ ,” he pronounced. “Very eager to please.”

“Don’t call her that,” Poe fired, his words spitting embers.

“Oh, but that is what she is. Did everything I wanted. Let me do everything I wanted.”

I let out a disgusted groan, putting all of my effort into removing the shackles on my wrists. The constriction only grew tighter. “Don’t you dare,” I seethed.

“I believe he should know what you have been doing with your time here. What _we_ have been doing.”

A low growl rumbled from Poe’s chest, a rage pulsing from him I’d not witnessed before. “If you’ve laid one finger on her-”

“More than one actually,” Kylo interjected. The lightsabers blade extinguished to nothing as he dropped down to Poe’s eye level. “Inside her too. She appeared to enjoy that, very much.”

Poe wrestled harder against the Force that bound him. “You sick _fuck_.”

“I did not do anything she hadn’t consented to,” Kylo spat back. “She wanted it. She wanted _me_.”

“Like I’m going to believe a single word that comes out your mouth.”

Kylo stood, glancing to my hostile expression. “Tell him Alex. Tell him how I made you _come_. Tell him how you enthusiastically returned the favour.”

“ _Fuck_ you,” I hissed. An invisible hand clamped over my mouth, muffling the words I tried to curse him with.

Bending down to Poe’s face, his voice became soft, saturated with a nauseating venom.

“Have you tasted it? Her cum?” He smirked, turning mockingly thoughtful. “Ah, I remember now. You haven’t. You never got that far. Let me tell you… It is _incredible_.”

“You’re _fucking_ disgusting,” Poe condemned.

Kylo’s eyebrows raised slightly, barely effected by Poe’s scathing tone. “Alexys didn’t appear to think the same. I recall her relishing the taste of me on her tongue.”

A strained roar echoed in front of me as Poe rattled harder against Kylo’s hold, the heat of his anger feeling like it could burn through my clothes.

Straightening his posture, Kylo let an amused exhale slip past his lips at the foolish attempt to break free. “So, are you still willing to risk your life for this woman? To die for her? Knowing what you know now?”

Poe heaved a long breath, glaring back defiantly at the monster who stood before him.

“To get her away from you? _Abso-fucking-lutely_.”

“I see. Well, I’ll give you what you’ve asked for.”

Kylo’s arm curved, the erratic blade springing to life, preparing himself for a lethal blow.

A switch inside me flipped.

Without conscious control, a glowing energy surged though my limbs, crashing against the bonds around them, splintering the restraints into tiny pieces.

I lunged forward, arms outstretched. Hands gripped onto Poe’s frame, shoving him to the floor, the swing of the lightsaber missing its intended target.

It was the smell that I sensed first. Seared flesh. Instantly recognisable.

Then it was the pain. An excruciating ripple burning through my abdomen.

My hands moved to touch where the sensation exploded from. It was damp with thick fluid.

I looked down, reddened streaks of blood already staining my fingers, tiny embers of my shirt still sparking.

Eyes darted ahead of me, chest heaving, a scream waiting to burst. Even through the blur of my agony, Kylo’s horrified expression was clear as crystal. 

Suddenly, he was collapsing to the ground. His entire body stilled, paralysed, noticing the spy appear from behind him, gripping a peculiar looking blaster.

Weakness was overcoming. Light-headed, knees buckled under my body weight, vision clouding until the dark veil of unconsciousness rapidly descended over me.


	27. Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another shorter chapter, I know, I'm sorry! I was going to take a break for a week, a little hiatus of sorts after the craziness of last chapter. But I actually couldn't stop myself. But that's why this chapter is a little shorter than most. Plus it got kind of heavy so I didn't want to stuff too much in, I hope that's okay!
> 
> I really want to thank every single one of you who've left kudos, kept reading, subscribed to this story and commented. I... can't articulate how much it all means to me. Seriously, it has brought so much joy to this random fanfiction writer. THANK YOU.

The only thing encompassing my senses was the the desperate need to breathe, to find an opening to fill my lungs.

As consciousness slowly trickled in, I felt the thrashing of harsh waves against me, my body thrown against a swirl of overwhelming currents.

My eyes struggled to open, vision distorted, barely being able to grasp the concept of light flickering through the steady onslaught of waves.

The burn in my chest pushed me to start moving my limbs, fighting against the force of the water, pushing myself towards where the illumination surged in, hoping it would bring the oxygen I so desperately needed.

Hands broke into the open air as I burst through the surface, a bitterly freezing wind beating against my face the moment I emerged. Every following breath was seized into my chest with loud gasps, coughing out the salty water stinging my throat.

Attempting to orientate myself, my eyes darted around frantically, noting the darkened clouds that stretched endlessly into the horizon, rolling waves breaking into my form, pushing me with their flow. Along the coast of this ocean sat an empty beach filled with nothing but sand.

I knew it. I’d been here before.

With dwindling energy, I swam in the direction of the waterfront, muscles already on fire, feet kicking behind me, wishing only for a moment of rest, a second of stillness.

Almost at the shore, an immense cresting wave enveloped my figure, submerging me under the surface before tumbling downwards, my limp body hurtling into solid ground.

Fingers scraped into the sand, crawling out of the swell, panting loudly, dragging my body over the moistened terrain until I made it where the ocean couldn’t reach for me anymore.

Rolling on to my back, chest swelling in and out, I was grateful for the reprieve of any movement, only for a memory to come rushing back into my awareness.

I scrambled to sit up, peering down to my abdomen. Hands clutched at the sodden shirt, trying to feel for the deep, jagged slice through my stomach, only to observe the complete lack of blood I’d previously seen spilling out.

Had it happened? Was this my death?

“ ** _No_** ,” the hooded woman stated. “ ** _Not yet at least_**.” Her figure stepped to my side, slowly descending to the ground to sit, looking straight ahead into the storm ridden horizon. When she spoke again her voice was gentle. “ ** _I hope you are pleased with the outcome of your decisions_**.”

“My decisions?” I hissed, throat stinging as the words bristled out my mouth. “You led him straight to us! This happened because of you!”

“ ** _I warned you of the consequences. You refused to listen_**.”

“I refused to listen to the ghost of a person who is trying to manipulate me into her own version of the future.” My fingers gripped into the rough sand, fury already sizzling through my bloodstream again.

Her face turned, the hint of emerald green irises peeking under brown fabric. “ ** _I am not Snoke, or another type of evil influence wishing to hoard power_**.”

“How do you expect me to believe that?” I snapped, hoping the contempt in my eyes scorched whatever soul she might have. “You’re forcing me into the arms of a man who wants to slay millions for his own gain.”

The woman stayed calm against my blistering tone, her lips kept in a relaxed line. “ ** _That is precisely what will occur, yes_**.”

I recoiled, eyebrows crinkling together. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She sighed, staring back out to the dark swirling clouds, disappointment palpable in her exhale. “ ** _He was intending to alter his decision. Millions of souls spared. For you. But now… That is not meant to be_**.”

My chest began to feel viciously tight. “W-what?”

“ ** _You heard my words Alexys_**.”

“You’re lying,” I whispered. “He _never_ would have done that.”

Her shadowed glower shot to me, both hostile and ominous. “ ** _Very well. I will show you_**.”

A cold hand latched onto my arm, dragging me into a standing position. Within moments the landscape dissolved into only white, the brightness almost blinding me, having to shut my eyelids to shield from the glare.

The light eventually faded from behind my closed lids, opening them to find myself in the scene I’d run from earlier, through a new set of eyes.

*

_The helmet slipped from my grasp without conscious control, a heavy thud soaking into the atmosphere, caring little for if the previously shattered metal broke apart again._

_I knew what I wanted to do._

_To move my feet. To rush after her. Make her listen. Make her understand._

_But to see her features twisted into that sickened expression once more… The thought fastened me to where I stood._

_I’d witnessed the way her delicate face conveyed her hatred towards me too many times to count. It never wounded me more than it did now._

_She was **disgusted** , horrified by the man who stood in front of her and the plans already set in motion. I’d felt that emotion in others, observed the revulsion in their eyes so often I had grown used to it._

_The way her lips snarled at me, the burning contempt in her hazel irises, the specks of green scattered within them seeming alight with abhorrence… It was **agony**. _

_The pain ripping though my chest, over and over, in a way I’d never felt before, more excruciating than the deep slice into my flesh I’d survived on Starkiller._

_I couldn’t fault her reaction. There was no reasonable counter I could provide to make her look at me in any other fashion._

_She **should** be repulsed by me._

_It is what any sensible person in this galaxy would feel towards a murderer._

_Coming from another, it wouldn’t have concerned me. Yet from her the loathing held so much crushing gravity it made me fall to the floor, broken crystal crackling under my knees._

_In truth, this scene had been an inevitable one. Her heart is too pure to consider an assault like this to be a crucial component of more stable future for this galaxy. That could allow me to set order into the furthest reaches, with enough time._

_For her, even one death would be too many._

_It was such a foreign concept, to have a such a deeply embedded value for all life. To feel grief in the death of strangers._

_I’d wanted to push past the infuriatingly strong wall around her mind just so, for one moment, I might be able to understand it. That I might know what true compassion and empathy would feel like._

_My insides ached, longing to return to the scene we’d shared in the night. When for the second time of the evening, and in my existence, I’d permitted myself to provide comfort for another, to soothe the fear and unease that I usually provoked._

_It hadn’t felt wrong._

_The way her head laid gently into the curve of my neck, the way her arms coiled around my waist, the way her shape fit seamlessly into mine._

_An undiscovered paradise. All of it._

_So simple. So natural. Something I didn’t know I’d been waiting for._

_To feel some of the cracks in my soul slowly fuse together simply by having her in my embrace._

_I didn’t imagine such a thing was possible. It remains difficult to believe now._

_Sleep had never been an option, not when she was resting so peacefully, draped over me, a warm energy igniting where my fingertips grazed across her soft skin._

_It was one I was certain I’d never encountered before she appeared. And for once, in the peace of night, I allowed glow to spread thought the rest of my body without my opposition._

_The dwindling hours of morning moved by so quickly. Too quickly. Watching her chest gradually rise and fall against mine, feeling her slowed heartbeat, savouring when her fingers reflexively clutched at my shirt during her hopefully dreamless slumber._

_I sensed it so clearly, the dread that coursed through her veins at the sight of the woman haunting her nightmare. The way her heart throbbed with a hidden panic when she appeared._

_I knew that feeling. I knew it well._

_Flashes of moments were all I could grasp onto long enough to comprehend. Within them I had observed myself defending her. Fighting for her survival rather than my own._

_For once, I wasn’t the villain. I was there to **save** her. _

_Only when I’d seen it through her eyes did I know I would do the same if reality somehow brought us to a similar occurrence._

_It’s all I wanted. To protect her. Keep her safe._

_Our meeting this evening was only a way to tell her of these intentions. That having her with me, on Coruscant, a whole planet under my control, in the place she might even feel at home, meant I could shield her from a future the hooded woman was hoping to bring about._

_I refused to let her spirit be bled dry by a selfish, cruel entity as I’d allowed. I wouldn’t let her become anything like me._

_She was too caring, too kind, too selfless. She didn’t deserve to live a life in constant inner turmoil. Struggling between impulse and purpose. Filled with an incessant self-loathing and persistent fury always boiling under the surface, like I did._

_Or… I used to._

_Without intention, for some unforeseen reason, she made those burdens drift away whenever she was near. Even when I merely thought of her._

_I did not know when it had changed. When instinctual desire had turned into something so much more._

_I was so sure I wasn’t capable of feeling affection anymore, certain the emotion would never make a home inside me for the rest of my life._

_Yet it was there, shimmering through my bloodstream._

_I’d forgotten, or maybe I’d never truly felt it in the first place, how warm it was. How much it eased the chaos that had run rampant in my mind for so long._

_Her kiss was the most enchanting sensation, lips moving so sweetly over mine, supplying more satisfaction than anything I’d accomplished in my life._

_I assumed appeasing Snoke would bring about that kind of gratification. That opening myself entirely to **the shadow** would make the conflict I’d felt over many long years finally retreat. _

_It had done nothing._

_It was her. Only her._

_She was the one thing that made me feel whole. At peace. Even if only for a short amount of time._

_I realised it now. It was obvious._

_Any future I could conceive, she was in it. Any possibility of healing the scars time had left on my soul, she was the one who would tend to the wounds._

_Now, that reality was completely destroyed. Because of me._

**_No_** _._

_I wouldn’t let it._

_Standing, I marched to the comm-station of my quarters, hastily swiping over the glass of the screen. The connection linked with General Hux within seconds._

_“Yes Supreme Leader?” he answered, his voice annoyingly brash._

_“Stop it all,” I ordered. “Everything. The attack. I do not want a single Stormtrooper setting foot on that planet.”_

_There was a prolonged silence, clearly imagining his perplexed expression. “Sir… Are you sure? This plan has been in place for some time.”_

_“You heard me Hux. **Stop it**.”_

_“As you wish.”_

*

My knees slammed into the dampened ground, my palms the only thing stopping my face plunging headfirst into the coarse sand.

“ ** _There. Are you satisfied_**?” the woman hawked, her voice shrill.

I choked on my own breath, tears already stinging my eyes. “It’s not fair!”

“ ** _Nothing in this universe is fair, Alexys. Stop being so naïve_**.”

“I didn’t ask for this!” I hollered. “I didn’t want to make him feel that way. I never wanted him to…”

The woman grew even more incensed, fingers gripping brutally into my upper arm and wrenching me upwards to stand. “ ** _Say the word. Stop being a coward_** **_and say the word_**.”

The salted droplets broke free, rushing down my cheeks. “I never wanted him to _love_ me.”

The word was a bitter taste in my mouth, acidic, my face twisting into revulsion at the thought of _him_ , an ice-hearted, soulless killer, feeling any kind of _love_ towards me.

“ ** _You do not get a choice. Just as he didn’t. That was the beauty of it. It was not something you needed to choose, Alexys. It was there, waiting for you, waiting for him. That was the way it was meant to be…_** ” The woman strode away, frustrated, finally sensing a flicker of energy spark around her form, so hostile it made a pang of dread weigh heavy in my stomach. ** _“And now you’ve gone and ruined at all!_** ”

“I didn’t ruin anything!” I exploded, the wind around us whistling harshly through the sky. “He did! He was going to take Poe’s life, right in front of me, without a second thought! Because he was jealous of the man who truly deserves my love!”

She remained facing away, fingers clenched into fists, when an unnatural, exasperated roar escaped her throat. “ ** _I should have never used that damn pilot as a catalyst!_**”

“What are you talking about?”

The woman spun around. “ ** _You think it was an accident? That ship crashing onto your front doorstep?_** ”

A small squeak of disbelief was the only sound I could make.

“ ** _I tampered with that droid. I interfered with the oxygen in the cockpit, making the pilot lose consciousness. I altered his flight route_**.”

My limbs felt like they were going numb, static sparks of fury sizzling through each muscle fibre. “What the _fuck_ is wrong with you? He could have died!”

“ ** _That never would have occurred. Not with you there_**.”

“What if I hadn’t been able to save him?” I looked to my hands, lungs growing tight at the memory of overflowing blood, Poe’s life fading in front of my eyes.

“ ** _But you did. Exactly as you were supposed to_** ,” the woman asserted.

“Supposed to?”

She moved closer, her callous tone easing slightly. “ ** _You needed to be reminded about the power you kept hiding from. That you pointlessly pushed away_**.”

“Why him? Why did it need to be him you used to prove that point?” I implored.

The woman looked away, irritation flaring, yet not directed at me. “ ** _I wish it hadn’t been. I should have utilised someone else_**.”

“What?”

Emerald green irises glared at me from under the shadow of her hood, robes rustling below with the increasing force of the storm above us. “ ** _He was the first opening I’d had in years. A Resistance pilot on a highly confidential mission to Wild Space, alone. It should have been perfect_**.”

“Perfect for what?” I yelled. “Give me some straight answers for once!”

She took a step closer, her expression clearly unimpressed with my scathing tone, her stare growing even more severe. “ ** _He was only meant to be a link. A way to make the First Order consider you a person of interest. To place you directly in front of Kylo Ren_**.”

A spark of realisation came to me. My voice was low, barely audible over the howling breeze. “You leaked the information about the rescue mission.”

“ ** _You always do catch on quickly Alexys_** ,” she concurred, a burst of displeasure billowing outwards from her shape. “ ** _I believed it wasn’t too late, that you hadn’t bonded with that… distraction so deeply you wouldn’t be able to see what was right there waiting for you_**.”

I shook my head. “I don’t understand! You were the one telling me I needed to escape that ship, to escape from him! You pushed me to use his desire against him. You said that would be my way out!”

The woman’s lips curled into a wickedly self-impressed smirk. “ ** _Ah, yes, well. I will admit that was a slight fabrication_**.”

“ _Fuck_!” I hollered, my anger making me kick a foot harshly into the shore, a smattering of water splashing out into the continually cresting waves. “I should have known you were using me!”

“ ** _It was for your own good. You were never going to open yourself to him by any other means_**.”

I whipped around to face her, wet hair beating back into my face with each churn of wind. “What did you think would happen? That my insincere advances would miraculously turn into real feelings?”

“ ** _They already were Alexys, you cannot deny this_** ,” the woman reminded me, my stomach clenching hard at the truth, making me nauseated. “ ** _And given enough time, you would have felt exactly the same as he does now_**.”

My eyes narrowed. “You’re wrong.”

“ ** _I wouldn’t be if the pilot had just stayed the hell away from you_**,” she snarled. “ ** _But that maker-forsaken rebel refused to let you go without a fight_**.”

Jagged bolts of lightning streaked in the clouded sky, the flashes of light flickering erratically as I remained locked in an enraged glare with the woman who thought she could interfere with my future.

“How _dare_ you,” I fumed, the words coming out slow, flooded with disdain. “That you think I would allow myself to feel even an ounce of real love for that _murderer_.”

“ ** _If it wasn’t for that pilot_** -”

“No!” I shouted, a deafening clap of thunder shaking the world around us. “He’s not the reason!”

“ ** _Stop lying to yourself_** ,” she muttered, pupils shifting from my heated stare.

Feet stomped abrasively into the sand below, my face mere centimetres from hers, a ricocheting frenzy shattering throughout my body. “I _never_ could have loved him! Why can’t you understand that? No matter how we met. No matter how you, or any other type of destiny forced us together. He doesn’t deserve me, he doesn’t deserve my love!”

“ ** _You didn’t allow him_**!” she roared. “ ** _And now he will find it in someone else!_** ” Her face suddenly warped into an expression of discomfort, evidently speaking aloud a piece of information I wasn’t meant to hear.

My own features remained fixed in defiance. “I don’t care. Let him find it. I’m sure she’ll be just as _vile_ as he is.”

Finally the storm broke, heavy pelting rain falling over us, the bitter temperature quickly making me shiver. More brilliant lightning crackled overhead, thunder echoing through the atmosphere. The hooded woman was motionless, her aura glowing with a livid temper, yet with a tangible despondency I could sense as her energy radiated outwards.

Her head hung down, face shrouded in darkness. “ ** _You have no idea the ruin you have brought upon this galaxy_**.”

The world began to dissolve around me, colours melting into one another, a swirl of darkened hues encompassing every aspect of my sight. As the scene blurred, the image of the woman’s figure remained sharp and clear. With a flourish of her hand, a familiar, searing ache found its way to my abdomen.

I stumbled, falling backwards in the sand, lids squeezing closed as my head slammed into the ground.

*

When my eyes shot open again the agony was still there, blazing through my insides, but I wasn’t able to scream. Something was stuck in my throat, chest heaving as I tried to cough out whatever was blocking my airway.

A stark, white light above was the only thing I could comprehend as my hands flew to my mouth, finding a rigid tube that wouldn’t budge no matter how hard I pulled. Fingers became entangled around my own, yanking my arms down into a mattress, scarcely able to discern the outline of a somewhat human shape entering my vision.

“It’s alright,” a woman’s voice calmed, slightly urgently, while I wrestled against her grip. “You’re waking up. We’ll get that tube out, just relax.”

_I was intubated_.

The realisation made me slowly cease my struggling, although my gagging couldn’t be helped, coughing roughly through more breaths as the hard plastic scraped against my larynx. There was blurred movement, soon feeling the relief of an unobstructed inhale as the tube was pulled away.

Spluttering through the exhale, a chemical taste on my tongue, my palms squirmed under the unfamiliar shirt I was wearing in a desperate attempt to soothe the excruciating pain throbbing there.

I began to sob, hunched over myself. “Make it stop!” I cried, fingernails scratching at the tightly wound bandage where Kylo’s lightsaber had sliced effortlessly through my flesh. “Please make it stop!”

Another voice, feminine again, yet lighter, sweeter, strove to pacify me, trying to guide me back into a lying position. “We’re getting something for the pain Alex, just give it some time to work.”

Tears continued to break free while I reluctantly fell into the hospital bed, the room around me gradually becoming clearer while my whimpers continued.

Pupils darted to the two figures at each side of my bed. One, a mature human woman. The other, a young Togruta female, her skin an incredible blue, with an intricate white pattern of pigmentation framing her eyes and nose. I was momentarily mesmerised by the girl, watching her as she cleaned away the ventilator hoses and returned to face me, a warming smile set on her lips.

“My name is Dr Kalonia,” the older woman greeted softly. “This is my nurse, Naako.”

“Where am I?” I asked, my voice dreadfully coarse, beginning to sense the whispers of an unknown opioid traveling through my bloodstream, dulling the pounding in my lower abdomen.

Naako placed a comforting palm on my arm. “You’re in the med-bay of the Resistance base on Ajan Kloss.”

_He did it. He got me off the ship._

A commotion burst outside the tent I’d been laying unconscious inside for an indeterminate amount of time, the familiar voice resonating out causing every shard of pain to fade beyond recognition.

“She’s awake, isn’t she? I heard her voice! Is she okay?”

The thick fabric that covered the entrance of my seemingly private space flew open, Poe barely hesitating as his gaze found mine, rushing to pounce onto the mattress and enclose me within his forceful embrace.

Ignoring the excruciating ache that ignited from the abrupt change in position, I clawed my fingers into the thin, linen shirt he wore, face nuzzling into his chest.

“You got me out,” I muffled into his torso, savouring the heat that radiated from it.

“You're alive.” He pulled back, a thumb running under my eye to wipe away the droplets staining my cheek. “I thought I’d lost you.”

Voice wavering, an overwhelming fear surged in his brown irises as he studied my face. “There was… so much blood.” His stare flickered down to my stomach, words tumbling from his mouth. “He cut you completely open. I did everything I could, to hold you together until we made it base. When you stopped breathing… _Fuck_. I didn’t know what to do. You would have done so much better.”

I saw, even with my diminished vision, the tears that collected at the corner of his eyes, threatening to fall. “It’s alright Poe. You did great. I’m here. I survived.”

Once again his arms circled around me, my chin resting over his shoulder, a minute passing before I noticed we’d been left to our own devices.

And reality came crashing down.

“Hold on... You’re happy I’m alive?”

When Poe heard the question he withdrew so sharply the bed underneath us squeaked, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “What?”

My voice hitched in my already scratched throat, heart-rate rising swiftly at what I was about to bring to the surface again. “You’re not repulsed by me?”

“Alex, what are you talking about?”

A very different type of suffering radiated through me, the flames of guilt billowing outwards from inside my rib cage.

I couldn’t lie anymore. Even if he despised me for it.

“You heard what he said, didn’t you? What happened between us? What we did?”

Poe’s eyes widened, stepping backwards off the hospital bed, face struck with a mixture of disbelief and revulsion. “That was _true_?”


	28. Consequence

There was little noise aside from the increasing beep of my heart-rate on the vitals monitor, my already compromised lungs stopping mid-inhale as Poe finished speaking his question.

I didn’t know what to say, how to continue, how in the _hell_ I was going to look him in the eye and explain everything.

To me the truth seemed so glaring. It should have been obvious the second Poe scooped me into his arms that he was in denial about the revelations Kylo had announced. That he refused to believe I would have ever done something so despicable.

“I- I thought that-” I stammered, watching Poe’s face as he looked to me desperately for an answer. Tears began to sting my eyes again, unable to force more words from my mouth.

“He said all of that to get in my head, right? A sick way of messing with me?” Poe asked urgently. “Right?”

My lips trembled, furiously holding down the urge to let more salted droplets slip out, as I began to shake my head.

His whole posture dropped, shoulders sagging down as the realisation finally struck him. An excruciating pain readily showing in his expression, eyes moving to stare towards the floor.

“Oh _maker_. It was true… Everything he said…”

“I’m sorry!” I rushed out, reaching for him, only to be impeded by the monitor and IV lines scattered over my arms. “Please, just let me explain-”

He stepped back further, flinching away from my movement. “What _the fuck_ Alex? I risked my life for you!”

I’d already begun to rip off the equipment chaining me to this bed. “I know! Please Poe, I can explain it all, just give me a ch-”

“You can explain why you let him touch you? That he made you-?” His voice fell away, face twisted into outrage as more memories evidently came flooding back. “ _And you did the same for him_!”

“I- I can’t lie to you anymore okay?” I cried, wrenching off the arterial line and clamping it before blood spilled from the port. “I know what it looks like. I can’t deny anything he said, but there’s a reason for it! Please listen to me!”

“Are you in love with him? Is that the reason?” he fired, muscles tensed hard under the clothes he wore.

“ _No_!” I shot back quickly. “I’m in lo-”

“Then how could you let him do that? How could you let yourself?”

“I didn’t have a choice!”

I might have worried about the volume of my voice, countless Resistance members now likely privy to this argument, but I’d quickly lost the ability to care.

More heated bewilderment saturated Poe’s expression, his tone blistering. “He said you consented. That you _wanted_ it.”

Stuttered sounds escaped my throat, speechless again, refusing to lie yet horrified by the thought of speaking the truth.

Poe turned, brashly grabbing a datapad that was settled on a desk and threw it against a set of shelves at the opposite side of the tent. A rattling sound echoed out on impact, medical supplies spilling onto the floor.

His outburst startled me, looking over the mess before I glanced back to him. Hands shaking, the distressed look on his face hurt more than the pain throbbing inside my stomach.

Naako peered through the tent’s entrance, eyes scanning over the scene with worry set in her unique features.

“Leave us,” Poe snapped, and my heart constricted at the cruelty in his voice. I’d never heard it before. “That’s an order.”

While her eyes widened, flashing her stare to me and the droplets trailing down my skin, she still followed the command, letting the heavy cloth drop in front of her shape.

“Please Poe,” I begged meekly. “I know how much this has hurt you but-” 

“You do, huh?” The scowl he shot to me was haunting, noticing the tear stain over his right cheek as a hand flew up to point aggressively at me. “You know what it feels like to hear the person you’re in love with, the person you were ready to die for, has _fucked_ someone else?”

Finally free from the last connection of conducer dots, I scrambled off the bed. My legs were barely able to function properly, using the edge to lean on as I made my way to where Poe stood. “I didn’t sleep with him!”

He scoffed bitterly, looking down at me as I struggled to hold myself up, keeping the distance between us. “Oh really? You did all that and still had the restraint not to _fuck_ him?”

“Yes!” I shouted, still hoarse, a flicker of anger lighting up in my chest. “I didn’t! I couldn’t! Because of you! I wanted that with you! I couldn’t let him have that.”

“But you could let him place his hands on your bare skin? Inside you? Let him _taste_ you?”

“Yes, okay?” It made me feel sick to say the words. “You’re not letting me explain why!”

A sadness washed over him, undertones of it snaking through his otherwise enraged energy. “What possible reason could you have to justify this? I was waiting for you Alex. I thought we had something here... You told me you felt the same.”

“I do.” I moved towards him, extending a hand to clutch at his shirt, the other curling around his neck before he could pull away, pressing myself against him as he remained unmoving.

This is not the way I wanted him to know.

I didn’t want it to be so desperate, to express the words when we were both in so much pain, when I felt nothing but fear coursing through my blood.

“I’m in love with you.” The words were spoken with as much composure as I could collect, my eyes focusing deeply into his brown irises. “Only you. From that first kiss, even if I couldn’t understand it. Admit it. I want _you_. I want to be yours.”

Poe’s lip quivered as his pupils darted over my face, so much anguish held within his expression. Another tear escaped, hands grasping each of my wrists and gently pulling, stepping away from my touch.

“You did it all anyway,” he murmured, voice wavering. “You let him take that piece of you for himself, willingly. I thought… I thought I’d earned that from you. To have all of you.”

“You did! I was trying to _save_ you, to save everyone.” I buried my face in my palms. “I thought I was doing the right thing by executing what she wanted. I didn’t want anyone to die because of _me_.” Hands slipped down to my stomach, trying to ease the ache pounding each time I heaved through a breath. “I know it doesn’t make sense. _Maker_ , none of this _fucking_ makes sense.”

My legs refused to support me anymore, too overwhelmed from the torment hammering around my body to stay standing. I slumped to the floor, weeping pitifully, hunched over, beginning to feel a more furious edge to my misery, frustrated by the woman who’d forced me into this state.

I was stunned when Poe dropped down with me. “She?”

“The woman. In my head.” I glanced up to where he’d crouched, his expression still tortured, yet with a subtle concern written in his frown lines. “She haunts me. Tells me what I should do, curses the decisions she doesn’t like, threatens me. She told me our future, _the one I want_ , that it doesn’t exist, and you would die if ignored her. That others would die if I refused her directives.”

Poe brushed the back of his palm against his face to wipe away the tear stain. “I don’t… Alex I don’t understand.”

“Her voice was always there from the moment we met Poe, driving me away from you. Telling me it was wrong, to push away the feelings I had, saying it would _ruin_ me.”

A flash of understanding ignited behind Poe’s eyes.

“Soon she was more than a voice. She was a person, appearing in front of me, on the _Finalizer_ , claiming the deaths of countless people would be my fault if continued on the path that led me to you.”

“Why?” Poe questioned. “Why would it be your fault?”

“She wouldn’t tell me.”

Poe’s eyebrows crinkled together. “And you just… believed her?”

“She was threatening your life Poe! And millions of others! Of course I was going to do what she asked to avoid that reality.”

His tone turned callous again. “How can you be so smart, but so _foolish_ at the same time?”

“Excuse me?”

Poe hissed out a breath through his teeth. “What proof did she have? What power did she have over you? How could you just blindingly follow this woman’s demands?”

Some of my conviction came rushing back to me. “That’s _so_ unfair. You weren’t there. You didn’t endure what I did.”

“No I didn’t but-”

“But nothing!” I seethed, returning his fondness for interruption. “You have _no_ idea the duress I’ve been under. I was kept in a tiny cell for almost two weeks. No showers, no human contact, in constant fear. Forced to work for and treat the people I despise, barely scraping through an epidemic, their lives held in my hands. Through all of this knowing the side that caused my capture didn’t give a _kriff_ about getting me out, that I could be stuck on that ship forever. And on top of it all, I had a violent man obsessed with trying to infiltrate my mind, placing his hands on me when I was weak and vulnerable, testing a _sick_ theory that my shield would break if he caused me to come undone.”

Poe’s eyes hardened, his aura beginning to sizzle with rage. “He did _what_?” It exploded outwards when he abruptly stood, fists clenched at his sides, exhaling a frustrated growl. “I should have killed that _asshole_ when I had the chance.”

“Why didn’t you?” I challenged, haphazardly using the end of the hospital bed to bring myself to my feet, sinking onto the edge.

“Because you were dying!” he fired back. “You’d just saved my life and I wasn’t about to let you die for me.” Another exasperated rumble left his throat as he paced back to stand in front of me. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this? Why did you lie to me _again_?”

My vision drifted down, nausea bubbling to the surface again. “I was _disgusted_ by myself,” I said softly. “I was so ashamed, knowing I’d let him do it, that my body reacted that way. I just… I couldn’t cope with you looking at me like you are now.”

“You went back for more Alex! Aren’t you ashamed of that?” he yelled, so loud it made me wince. 

“Of course I am. But she pushed me to,” I urged, not able to return to his gaze. “She told me it was the only way I was going to be able to escape. That I needed to turn his favour towards me.”

“Turn his favour?” Poe’s voice dripped with disdain. “That’s what you’re calling it?”

I glared to his face, the repulsion there making my throat tight. Even knowing how wrong it all was, there was still a burning need to defend myself, to justify my actions.

“It’s the _only_ strength I had. It was the _only_ thing that made him weaker than me. So I took advantage of it. _I had to_. I was prepared to do anything to get the _hell_ out of there, to get back to you. Don’t you remember what I said to him? That I was using him? That it all meant nothing?”

Poe was silent, tracing over my earnest expression. His own never faltered from its abrasive frown as he contemplated my questions. It took him longer than I expected to speak again, and when he did his voice was the most tormented it had sounded during our entire discussion.

“I saw his face, when you told him he meant nothing to you. He couldn’t hide it. He wasn’t just angry. He was _in pain_.”

“He means nothing to me,” I repeated bluntly.

“Stop it,” he cursed, his voice low. “Stop lying. _You_ meant something to him. And that was the reaction of a man who thought you felt the same.”

I recalled it now, the agony in Kylo’s energy after I’d said the words, the despair I heard in his voice when he asked if everything was a lie. My jaw clenched at the memory, trying to push away the ache in my chest that came with it.

Poe watched as I remained locked within my turmoil, his face turning despondent, posture drooping. “Tell me Alex. Just… tell me exactly what happened between you and him.”

Securing my gaze to the floor, digging my fingers into the sheets of the bed, I felt my insides churning as an unwelcome coldness began to settle over my skin. I couldn’t bear to look at him as the words moved from my lips and into existence.

“There was... _something_ between us. I don’t know what it was. I… I couldn’t describe it. I couldn’t stop it.” I peered up to Poe’s forcefully blank expression, voice soft. “I don’t when it happened, _how_ it happened. It was meant to be an act. I truly only wanted to draw him in the physical sense. But something changed. He just… seemed to become more human, a real person. I got caught in it, so wrapped up in way his whole demeanour transformed, because of me. He was… kind to me, almost… warm. Like he cared for me. And… I… I started to feel it too. That same affection. I couldn’t fight it, even when I tried _so hard_ to.”

Poe’s face had completely fallen, the entirety of his features etched with grief, as he brought a hand to cover his mouth, turning away from me.

“But that was before Poe, before he reminded me of who he is, and always will be. He stands for _everything_ wrong in this galaxy. He wants to destroy all that I want to protect, what _we_ want to protect. I knew it when I learnt of the attack he’s planned, that what I felt wasn’t real, that he could never be who I needed. And I didn’t want him to be.”

I placed my feet carefully on the floor, stepping warily towards him, my fingers curling around his upper arm and pulling to make him face me. His eyes met with mine, so much pain held within them I almost lost the ability to speak, the air in my lungs growing heavy at the sight. Yet when he allowed me to glide my palms to his cheeks, stepping in so my chest was on his, the words were waiting for me.

“It’s _you_. You’re who I need. Who I want.” I pulled his face nearer, concentrating my gaze to his, hardened with all the conviction I could gather. Slowly, I leaned in to touch my lips on his, feeling him react almost instantly, melting into a tender kiss.

The relief of feeling his mouth move over mine was short lived when he dragged himself from my hold, shaking his head as he stepped away.

“I can’t. I can’t do it. The thought of you… and him…” His stoic façade returned, attempting to conceal the hurt I saw glowing over his shape. Before I could respond he was already making his leave, slipping his hand through the opening of the tent, looking back to me one final time. 

“I hope you’re able to find another planet suitable for your work. I won’t follow you.”

A bone shattering agony ripped through me while I stayed locked where I stood, too frozen in despair to move, barely able to take in a breath.

Minutes passed by, forcing in pained inhales, my chest a frenzy of regret and shame, unable to think of anything other than the image of Poe’s eyes manifesting all the irretrievable suffering I’d caused him.

Everything felt meaningless. Redundant. Every choice I’d made, every action I’d taken, it all amounted to nothing.

I’d endured the misery of that ship, pushed through the chaos of my emotions, each of the struggles and obstacles, with only the hope of making it back into his arms to get me through.

Now that hope was lost. Fizzled out like a dying fire releasing its last whisper of smoke before crumbling into ash. All of the warmth gone, its comforting glow replaced with a cold, bleakness that filled every space in my body.

And I only had myself to blame.

Soon my sorrow broke through into crying. A deep, visceral type of weeping that made me turn to lean on the hospital mattress to support myself as the misery continued to rip holes in my lungs.

I only faintly noticed when I fingers grazed against my shoulder, seeing Naako at my side.

“Are you alright?”

“No,” I sobbed. “Nothing is alright.”

Her palm slid down to rub my arm in an effort to console me. “Do you want to talk about it?”

The thought of replaying any of what just happened was too painful to bear. “I’d prefer not to.”

“That’s okay,” she whispered, her voice so naturally soothing. “How about you get back into the bed? Your body still needs rest.”

I didn’t have the will to refuse her, my energy starting to waver. Naako helped to guide me back under the sheets, curling my body into a ball, whimpering into the fraying pillowcase. She stayed with me, sitting at the edge of the mattress, softly brushing her fingers on my back as I wallowed in self-pity.

*

Naako never left my side as my crying slowed into a despondent haze, caught between consciousness and sleep, wishing only to wake up later to find this was all some horrid dream. Light-footed steps eventually came towards us, Dr Kalonia’s hushed voice addressing her nurse. “What happened?”

She slipped carefully off the bed, both of them moving to the corner of the space, keeping quiet. “I’m not sure. She and Commander Dameron had an extremely heated exchange, but I didn’t catch any of what they said. And when he left here I found her absolutely distraught.”

“Oh dear,” Dr Kalonia breathed. “I suppose it wouldn’t be an appropriate time to discuss her condition with her now.”

“I would probably wait, yeah.”

“Is there something wrong with me?” I croaked, rustling my face away from the pillow. “Because of what happened?”

Naako returned quickly to where I’d begun to sluggishly sit myself up. “It can be discussed tomorrow Miss Jago. You’ve already been through a lot today.”

“I want to know. Please.” I glanced towards the older woman, unable to hide her hesitancy.

“Are you sure? It won’t hurt to wait until morning when you’re more rested.”

“I don’t think I’ll be getting much sleep tonight,” I said lowly, letting out a small, dejected exhale.

Naako placed a hand on mine. “I _really_ don’t think now is the right time to hear it.”

“That means it’s bad, isn’t it?”

The two women traded nervous expressions, and my stomach dropped.

I recognised the look on both their faces. I’d had the same set on mine countless times, knowing I held the ability to alter someone’s whole world with the information I had to provide.

“I’m not waiting” I decided. “You can tell me now.”

Dr Kalonia nodded gently, moving to place herself at the other side of me, bringing a stool to sit down on as she pulled herself into a more reassuring disposition. 

“Alright, so,” she started with a deep breath. “When you arrived at our base your condition was highly critical. Massive blood loss with an incredibly large, open abdominal wound. According to Commander Dameron you had begun to suffer respiratory difficulties not long before the ship landed. He’d thankfully been able to place a crude pressure dressing on the wound and attempt pulmonary resuscitation, so you still had a viable pulse when we pulled you into the med-bay.”

“After intubation and blood transfusion was commenced, I was able to assess the incision in your abdomen. It was obvious very quickly that you needed surgical treatment. There were numerous acute punctures in your small bowel, some of it completely severed. We had to perform removal and repair of all the damaged tissue.”

“Do I have any left?” I asked urgently.

She nodded. “You do, just enough for normal function. Hence why we didn’t need to fit you with an ileostomy.”

It only occurred to me then I didn’t have the small synthetic pouch connected to my abdomen that would house waste products, and I was silently relieved at this obscure silver lining. But the concern that still plagued Naako’s face swiftly brought me out of that mindset.

“There’s more, isn’t there?”

“Unfortunately, yes Alex. There is.” Dr Kalonia’s voice became meaningful, her features tense. “Although your other organs received minimal damage, most of it we could treat, I’m afraid there were some irreparable injuries to a large portion of your reproduction system. I was forced to remove one of your ovaries, and while I was able to attempt a repair of your uterus, the damage was quite severe. There will be a great deal of scarring.”

My stare wandered down to my abdomen, hands skimming over the lower portion, a dull ache still lingering, feeling my chest grow heavy again. “Are you telling me… I can’t have children?”

“I can’t answer that for certain. But your chances of conceiving in the future have become very slim. At a higher-level medical centre, there is more we could have done. Please believe me when I say we everything we could within the constraints this base provides. I’m so terribly sorry Alexys.”

I waited for the sadness to overwhelm me. More tears. More crying. Instead, I remained silent, contemplative, stuck in a trance.

I hadn’t really considered the idea of being a mother, never paying the concept any mind. It was so early in my life, I assumed I had many more years to decide if it was something I wanted.

There was a part of me too scared by the thought of passing down some of my abilities through my blood, forcing another person to live their life in fear. I truly didn’t want that for any son or daughter of mine.

Realising I wouldn’t need to live with such a concern, that the possibility was taken away, I wasn’t sure what I felt.

“I know it’s a lot to take in,” Naako said gently. “If there’s someone you want to talk to-”

“Does anyone know?” I questioned.

Dr Kalonia looked to me reassuringly. “The details of your health are confidential. Only the medical staff on this base have access to this information.”

“Is it possible to keep it that way? Please? Even to High Command?”

“Absolutely,” she agreed. “Your privacy will always be respected here.”

I tried my best at an appreciative smile. “Thank you. Thank you for everything you did.”

The was an uncomfortable silence that appeared, each of us unsure of how to proceed, Naako’s energy sprouting with confusion. I could only assume it was my lack of reaction to the news that made the emotion diffuse into the air.

In all honesty, it worried me too. It almost felt… wrong. To be given this new reality and devote so little emotion towards it.

There was always the likelihood I was in shock, that the information hadn’t dissolved into my mind just yet, lying in wait to strike me at a later point.

For now, all I wanted was the blank void of sleep, to think of absolutely nothing for as long as humanely possible.

“I think… I would like to rest now.”

“Of course. As long as you don’t mind we reconnect your monitoring. Your condition is stable, but I would still like to keep an eye on you, being so soon after you’ve woken up.” Once I nodded, Dr Kalonia’s glance shifted towards Naako. “I’ll leave you to do that, alright?”

“Sure thing,” she smiled. It didn’t completely meet her eyes.

As the doctor slipped out of the tent, Naako’s attention turned to the lines I had thrown away in the heat of the moment, her aura still continuing to emit a subtle puzzlement. As she placed new conducer dots back on my torso, her internal musings couldn’t be contained.

“Are you sure there isn’t anyone you want to talk to?”

“I don’t know anyone here,” I mumbled.

“But… you and Commander Dameron appear to know each other well.”

My lids scrunched instinctively at the reminder of his face. “He wouldn’t want to see me. And I… I don’t wish to talk to him about this.”

“I think he would like to know if something was making you upset. _Especially_ something like this. We all know how much he cares for you.”

I peered up at her, noting the softened violet colour of her irises. “You do?”

She let a close-lipped smile form, beginning to fiddle with a few of the buttons on the monitor system. “It’s not really a secret. He was _constantly_ asking us about updates on your condition when he wasn’t by your side. He slept in here most nights, waiting for you to wake up.”

The guilt that ignited felt like claws raking across my skin, the pain of it making me want to shrink into my pillow again. However, another realisation interrupted my discomfort. “Wait, how long was I unconscious for?”

Naako’s head shot to me. “You don’t know? I assumed he would have told you in your… discussion.”

“It didn’t come up.”

She faintly grimaced, only to settle her expression when she sat on the edge of the mattress once more. “It’s been 5 days cycles since you arrived on the base.”

A week. I had been laying here, oblivious to the passage of time, for an entire week.

“Coruscant! What happened to Coruscant?”

Naako was initially stunned by the subject of my question, but as the seconds ticked over, her expression fell, a sadness in her face that made me shiver. “The First Order staged an attack on the planet one day cycle after your rescue. They were able to seize control, and have instigated their own form of authority over the rest of the galaxy.”

“No…” I whispered, struggling to cope with the materialisation of what the hooded woman had foretold. “Please tell me they surrendered early. Please say there weren’t millions of casualties.”

I was met with a disheartened frown. “I’m sorry Miss Jago. I’m cant say any of that.”

It was exactly what I’d been warned of, what had threatened me for so long.

Death. So much of it. Because of _him_.

No. _No_. 

Because of _me_.

“I want to speak to Leia,” I announced abruptly. “I need to speak to your General. Now.”

“You’re not well enough for that, you should rest-”

My voice became pleading, a new conviction taking hold. “No. I _need_ to talk to her. Naako, please.” I grabbed her arm, squeezing tight. “It’s so important. Please do this for me.”

She was hesitant, her exhale wavering, studying my face. Eventually my beseeching expression broke through to her, nodding slowly.

“Okay. I’ll see what I can do.”

I watched as the young Togruta walked away into the night that waited outside the thick fabric of the tent, left to fester in my anguish over the countless deaths I could have prevented.

Somehow… the grief did not subdue me.

It was time.

Time to stop running from the power I’ve selfishly kept hidden. To use it for the greater benefit of this galaxy. To help secure the freedom they deserve.

If I couldn't have the future my heart longed for, I needed to make a new one. Whatever I could do to repay the souls who left this life too soon, I would do with no more fear.

_This_ was my destiny, the fresh path I was going to forge. The one I was choosing for myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOF
> 
> This was heartbreaking to write. I hope I haven't completely ruined your day with this chapter.
> 
> Don't fear though! Things will liven up... eventually. 
> 
> Much love to each and every one of you!


	29. Blame

I felt her energy before I saw her face.

An intricate weaving of both soft and fierce elements humming in the distance, slowly coming closer. Only then did I become slightly nervous at being face to face with the famed Princess of Alderaan, hero of the Rebel Alliance, now General of the Resistance.

And _mother_ of the man who captured and imprisoned me. The same one who’d caused complete and total havoc on my future.

Pointlessly I tried to even out my appearance, quickly brushing fingers through my tangled hair and smoothing out the wrinkles in the threadbare hospital clothes I was wearing.

I knew she wouldn’t give a _kriff_ about how I looked.

But the anxiety of meeting with her, being the reason one of her Commander’s risked his life to rescue a hostage, almost getting himself decapitated in the process, was making me restless.

Would she hate me? Would she be infuriated her base’s scarce resources had been used to save the life of a civilian who’d shown clear distaste for their cause?

Before I had a chance to dwell on those questions, her kind face peeked through the opening of the tent, eyes already radiating a warmth I immediately felt I didn’t deserve.

“Alexys,” she smiled, her voice gruff yet perfectly serene, making her way to my bedside to envelop me in an unexpected embrace. “I’m so glad to see you’re finally awake.”

I returned her hug with a puzzled look on my face, feeling her squeeze me tightly before slipping out of the hold, her hands falling down to grasp mine.

“Thank you for everything you did, for enduring what you have endured. The Resistance is forever in your debt.”

Eyebrows crinkled together. “You’re thanking me?”

She chuckled at my reaction. “Did you expect otherwise?”

“I mean, I feel like all I’ve done is cause you trouble and consume your valuable supplies,” I admitted, biting the side of my mouth.

She nodded, conceding. “While your existence hasn’t exactly made things any easier here, I’m still grateful for your sacrifice to save my Commander’s life. For the second time I might add.”

“He was only in that situation because of me.”

“That was his own stupid idea, even when I instructed him otherwise.”

I looked down from her gentle gaze, the words moving from my mouth before I had the thought to stop them. “I’m sure he regrets it now.”

To my surprise she gave my hands a reassuring squeeze. “He would be lying to himself if that was the case.”

“Did… Did he tell you?” I asked timidly. “Did he tell you what happened?”

“He may have stormed into my quarters somewhat distressed, yes.”

I winced at the image. “So… you know… everything?”

She nodded.

While I was relieved not to have to verbally relay the sum of my actions while under First Order control, I was still completely mortified at her awareness of what had transpired between me and _her son_.

“Alex, breathe,” she prompted after a few seconds of my frozen inhale.

I exhaled forcefully. “I’m sorry. Waking up to all of this, it’s been a lot to handle.”

“That’s putting it lightly,” she agreed dryly, letting go of my hands and shifting to sit on the mattress with me. “You’ve caught yourself in quite a mess, haven’t you?”

“I didn’t plan it that way, I swear.”

“I know,” she soothed. “You’ve been doing what you can to survive.” A thoughtful smile spread on her lips. “I understand that feeling more than most.”

I looked over her face again, noting the subtle wrinkles that faded out from each corner of her eyes, every delicate line another testament to the chaotic and arduous life she’d had to lead.

“My choice killed so many people Leia,” I whispered, feeling my chest constrict. “That’s what the woman warned me. The one who inhabits my mind. And now it’s true. Those people died because of me.”

“Oh Alex,” Leia sighed. A hushed, despairing kind of sigh that seemed to fill the whole room. “I know how easy it is to blame yourself for his choices. I’ve spent many years wondering how I could have avoided the future we’ve found ourselves in. What I would have done to prevent him turning into the man he’s become.” She glanced away, seemingly into space, her energy a tangle of remorse and despair. “There’s a lot. So much I could have changed.”

I could only watch quietly as she remained lost in her own memories, surprised at how forthright this woman was being with me, essentially a stranger.

A delicate smile pulled at her lips. “He was such a sweet boy, when he was younger. Quiet… Gentle… _Nothing_ like his father. He was always subdued, slightly cautious, but every so often I saw the liveliness hidden behind his eyes.

“There was passion there, that was what Han passed down to him. He just… kept it more restrained, forever concealing his emotions. Like he was ashamed by them,” she recollected. “That was my first mistake. Never trying hard enough uncover all that he held so deep inside. There was so much conflict in him as he grew, I knew it then, but it… frightened me. I couldn’t face up to it.” Leia exhaled hard through her teeth, eyes still not meeting mine.

“I constantly worried about what I had passed down onto him. I worried that my father’s struggle with darkness would be his to bear too. Luke shared my concerns. He could see the claws of the dark side beginning to dig into him even as a young boy. Luke also saw how naturally gifted my son was, how attuned to the Force he already appeared to be.”

Her eyebrows crinkled together. “That was the second mistake. Both my brother's and my own. We never just… praised him. Never celebrated who he was, what he was able to do. We were more concerned about who he _could_ be, the damage he might do.”

“Han and I both thought it was the best thing for everyone to send him to Luke to be trained. Learn how to control his power. But I never considered what was best for _him_ , what he wanted. At least, not hard enough. I never sat down with my son and asked him what was inside his mind. I didn’t ask what he was feeling, if he was afraid too, or if he even wanted to follow the same path his uncle did.”

“The third mistake,” Leia murmured, “-was letting him leave. I knew he didn’t want to go. Not really. He was so young, only 10 years old. He didn’t know what he wanted. He just thought it’s what I wanted, what Han wanted. To be free of him, like he was a burden on our lives; that’s how he saw it. He realised how scared we were of his abilities without us saying a word, sensed our unease, and began to think we didn’t _love_ him because of it.”

The word made Leia flinch, and I felt my own chest twinge at the way she said it, so full of anguish. I was about to reach out to her, to ease some of the sorrow showing in her face, but she continued.

“And Luke was so hard on him. So strict. Held him to a higher standard than the others, punished him more harshly when he tried to push the rigid boundaries of the Jedi. Placed so many limitations, tried to hold down his strength with the Force with rules and warnings, as if it might stop my son from realising his true potential. It only made him more resentful, more bitter, made him feel more alone.”

She was silent for a while as I listened to the rise and fall of her breathing, noticed the subtle changes in her expression when more memories evidently played out inside her head.

She finally brought her stare to me, a cursing tone to her voice. “I know now that’s when Snoke made his move to lead Ben astray with promises of unimaginable power and limitless strength. A chance to grow. A true purpose. Everything the Jedi wouldn’t give him.”

There it was again. 

_His real name_.

For some reason, one I couldn’t understand, it didn’t sit well in my brain. It hadn’t when I heard Poe speak it for the first time, and there was still the same unsettling edge to it now.

The boy with that name was truly a different person. I didn’t believe he still existed in this galaxy anymore.

Although it was clear with the way Leia spoke it, she wouldn’t have agreed with me.

“I wish… I wish Ben had told me, told his uncle, his father, _anyone_ , of the voices that haunted him…” Keeping her focus secured to me, I began to grow uncomfortable under her meaningful stare. “I wish Luke had just… _talked_ to Ben about the darkness that he sensed building. Rather than probe his mind to discover the truth of how Snoke had turned his heart to the dark side. Maybe then, he wouldn’t have been so fleetingly tempted to erase the future of death and destruction he glimpsed…” Her eyes flickered down her hands, voice soft. “I wonder a lot about the future that would have brought.”

She was quiet again, as I attempted to hide the mystified expression my face wanted to twist into. “Why are you telling me all of this?”

She slipped her hand into mine. “I too condemn myself for the people who have perished because of me. Because of the single life I brought into this world. The mistakes I made.”

A ricocheting spasm of pain filtered through my body, guilt taking hold once again. “How do you cope with it? How do you deal with knowing that truth?”

“You’re so young, and you’ve been alone in your secrets for so long, so I understand how you might not have learned a very important component about life,” she insisted softly. “But you can’t blame yourself for the choices _other_ people make.”

My head tilted slightly, unsure of what she was inferring.

She returned my confusion with a warning sincerity. “My son. _He_ made the ruling to attack that planet. _He_ was the one who ordered the deaths of those people. _He_ is to blame. Not you.”

Her words rebounded inside my head multiple times, the significance of them only becoming stronger with each repetition.

Such things were never uttered by the hooded woman. The blame she spoke of focused only on me, how death was a consequence of _my_ actions, not his.

There was still a large part of me that believed her.

“He was going to change his mind because of me,” I stressed, gripping her hand tighter. “She showed me his thoughts, exactly what he was thinking before my rescue. Before I told him everything was a lie. Somehow, I _changed him_. He wanted to be better… for me. My disgust when I discovered Coruscant was his target… It caused him to feel _guilt_. It made him want to stop it all.”

Leia contemplated what I’d said, pupils wandering over my face with a somewhat disbelieving presence in her features. “Poe didn’t speak of this.”

“He doesn’t know,” I admitted. “And I wouldn’t want him to know. I think it would hurt him more than I already have. To know he made that kind of connection with me.”

“And you?” Leia asked, her eyes probing. “Did you feel this connection in return?”

I opened my mouth to speak, lips slipping apart, but my voice caught in my throat at the truth of my answer.

_Of course I did_.

I felt it every time I made even the smallest contact with his skin, and it only grew stronger the more of him bonded with my flesh. It had almost overwhelmed me.

I knew better now.

The certainty in my speech returned when I answered. “It doesn’t matter. What I felt. What he felt. _I don’t want it_. I want to protect, to _heal_. He wants to _destroy_.” I took a steadying breath. “You’re right Leia. _He_ made the decision to become a soulless conqueror. _He_ let his anger and betrayal overcome him enough to follow through on that choice. So now, I’m going to stand by the one I made.”

Leia studied me, silent, a subtle fascination creeping into her aura. Her lips pouted in deliberation. “And that was?”

“To deny whatever destiny had planned for me. Reject the future this mysterious woman wanted to force me into.”

“Because you fell for the pilot who crashed on your doorstep.”

I nodded, a falter in my long exhale, reminded of how much my heart still ached for the man who had unknowingly instigated the path I found myself walking. “I just wanted to get back to him. To continue what we started. And now I’m here…” My eyes scrunched closed, the sting of his rejection filtering into my blood. “He’s _sickened_ by me. By what I did. And I can’t even blame him for feeling that way.”

Leia’s grip tightened on the hand of mine she was still holding, causing my lids to unfasten. “He’s in a lot of pain right now, that’s true.” Her demeanour turned consoling. “But that’s not completely a fault of yours.”

For a few moments I wondered if I heard her correctly. “…What?”

“Poe’s mindset tends to be a little…” she paused, thinking over her next words carefully. “- _unforgiving_. He often judges people merely on their actions, rather than the intentions behind them.”

I grasped a portion of what she meant, knowing already the tendency Poe had to jump to conclusions, making up his mind before thorough explanation.

Good and evil was definitely more black and white in his mind, while my vision of the galaxy had always appeared as an endless sea of grey.

She continued. “He has high expectations, both for himself and those around him, even if he’d never admit it. His parents instilled that mindset, to hope for the best in people. And he idolises them, everything they did for the Rebel Alliance, the righteousness and morality they had. Particularly his mother.”

I nodded with her as she spoke, remembering the way he’d talked about the woman he’d lost so early in his life.

“There’s a lot of her I can already see in you,” she said reflectively. “Strong-willed. Independent. Brave. A _fighter_. I assume that’s partly the reason he became attached to you so quickly.”

“Unfortunately, I think that is also why he’s been so wounded by all that transpired on the _Finalizer_. His rescue didn’t go _exactly_ the way he hoped, probably realising he’s caused more harm than good, and his picture-perfect image of the woman he loves has been, well...” She glanced down to my abdomen. “Almost completely torn in half.”

I felt my stomach contract, a distressing pang coming with it. She didn’t realise how right she was.

I could never be the woman Poe needed me to be, not anymore.

Even if he were able look at me again without the tormented glint in his eyes, I just _knew_ the only future I could provide for him wouldn’t be enough.

Leia noticed the tightness in my jaw as I tried to hold my composure, wondering how it was possible to have any tears left to cry.  
“It’s alright,” she said softly. “Let him calm down. He’ll come to you when he’s ready.”

My mouth twisted, uncertain. “I really hope so.”

After a few seconds of stillness Leia turned a little more serious, shifting slightly where she sat, placing her hands together in her lap, ready to listen. “Now, what is it you wanted to see me for? I heard it was particularly important.”

Suffocating the gloom that had risen to the surface at the previous topic of conversation, I returned her earnest appearance. “There’s two things actually. The first is a little more personal than the other.”

She nodded reassuringly, urging me to resume.

“With the fall of Coruscant, I’m concerned about the welfare of my parents. I was hoping, somehow, I might be able to try and make contact with them. Make sure they’re okay.”

“Of course,” Leia smiled, so warmly it made my chest feel lighter. “I’ll instruct my comm-team to start a search for their whereabouts. It might take several days, but I’m sure we’ll be able to ascertain if they made it to safety.”

Her quick agreeance to help me, even after all I had cost her so far, was just enough to quell the fear wanting to surge at my family suffering under First Order dominance.

“Thank you.” I took a deep breath before following on with my next focus, certainly the most crucial of the two.

“Leia, I want to help. I need to use this power I have, develop it further. I want to remedy some of the damage I’ve done… I mean, _he’s_ done. I think it’s time… I want to join the Resistance.”

The confusion in Leia’s face was clear, even when she tried to hide it. “I thought you were opposed to this war?”

“I know,” I conceded. “I guess I still feel that way. But I can’t sit back and watch people die because of the decisions someone else gets to make. I don’t want to fight, I’m not built for that. I just hope I could give the people who _do_ fight another chance at life, to heal them after putting their whole future on the line.”

“You don’t have to do this.” Leia’s gaze became stern. “You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone, or feel as if you have a debt to repay.”

“I know that too. But I don’t have to hide anymore.” I stopped at that thought. “At least not from the Resistance.”

“Being a part of this is dangerous Alex,” she stressed. “You’ve been through a lot, only recently woken from a long healing period. You should take some time to think before making any long-term plans.”

“Leia,” I said, filling my voice with as much assurance I could collect. “Something’s coming. The woman, she’s not done with me yet. I can feel it. I’ve been facing her alone and failed miserably in keeping one step ahead. I _need_ to know why she’s been watching me all my life. And I don’t think I can figure that out without help.”

There was apprehension in her aura, spiralling through the air as she deliberated over what I’d said. I could sense fear there too, no doubt troubled by the possibility of a new sinister existence that could wreak havoc on this galaxy.

Just like the one that had stolen her son away.

“I do want to help you, and your assistance would be immeasurably valuable. I’m also sure there’s many others here who would feel the same.” Her tone was solemn. “Yet I cannot guarantee there won’t be pushback from my High Command.”

I tried not the let the irritation show on my face. “Don’t worry, I’m extremely aware of how much some of them don’t trust me.” I sighed, accepting. “Although, I guess I can understand why.”

“How about this,” Leia offered. “Give yourself a few more days to heal. Then, when you’re ready, I will organise for an audience with all our command leaders. It will give you an opportunity to set the record straight and allow them to raise any concerns they might have with you joining our cause.”

The idea of facing the people who were prepared to let me rot on the _Finalizer_ and plead my case was less than appealing, but I didn’t exactly have any other choice.

“I suppose that’s a fair compromise.”

Leia smirked at me, seeming amused. Yet she didn’t articulate what made her have that reaction, instead moving to step off the hospital bed. “Try and get some rest. While your body is recovering, take some time to focus on your mental state too. Being strong in that sense will be just as important in times to come.”

I nodded, attempting a softened smile, and she began to make her way out of the medical tent.

“Hey Leia,” I called, making her head turn. “Thank you. For everything.”

She beamed at me, the corner of her eyes crinkling. “Get some sleep Alex.”

*

My fingers traced the irregular, reddened line that spanned the entire width of my lower abdomen, inspecting it with one of the few tarnished mirrors that were located on the Resistance base. It had healed as well as it could, the low grade bacta still leaving me with an extremely noticeable scar that would need time, possibly months, to fully settle.

It had been almost three days since I’d woken from my coma. Three full days where Poe hadn’t spoken to me.

Though, it wasn’t as if I’d tried to make that a reality. I kept a wide berth whenever I felt the familiar buzz of his energy as I started to venture out into the jungle base of Ajan Kloss during my recovery, Naako usually at my side, supervising me.

I tried to focus as little of my attention towards connecting to it, but after so long not feeling it’s radiant glow, I couldn’t help but occasionally allow myself to bask in the knowledge that he was so close to me again, alive.

The first day of my rehabilitation was spent simply adjusting to eating regular food, the second building my stamina enough to walk freely again, the third beginning to talk and meet with the people who I hoped would become my comrades.

I had officially been moved from the medical tent on day two and allowed to stay in the shared quarters set within the twisting labyrinth of caves located in the jungle’s mountain.

Poe’s eyes had met with mine exactly twice during this time.

Once when Naako was leading me around the rebel base, a guided tour as I stretched my legs for the first time in over a week. I’d felt his gaze on me before I glanced his way, in the middle of conversation with an unknown Resistance member.

I thought I felt some relief in his energy initially as he took in the realisation I had healed enough to stray from my hospital bed. I would have given anything for it to have stayed that way.

After a few moments within a locked stare, his face fell into that unbearable flash of sadness, and he turned away.

The only other instance was a mere hour ago, when I had made my way to Leia’s office within the _Tantive IV_ , a consular ship that provided almost all of the support functions required for the base. I had gone to speak with her, only to announce I was prepared to face High Command and their predictable barrage of inquiries about my captivity with the First Order.

He’d been there, talking in hushed tones when the door slipped open. I knew they’d been discussing me, saw it in the way his face appeared when he noticed my arrival.

One despondent glance towards me and I knew.

I’d smiled, purely out of instinct, glad to have him even look my way. He didn’t return it.

Instead he mumbled a swift farewell to his General and slipped by my frozen figure in the doorway.

It took all my willpower not to reach out and pull him back to face me as his body glided past mine, being the first time we’d been within touching distance since the night of my waking.

But he wouldn’t have wanted that.

Leia had urged me to take more time to settle into my new surrounding. I insisted I was ready, more from wanting to get the whole ordeal over with.

The whispers about me circling through the fleet were impossible to ignore. It made me anxious, wondering what the rumours were speculating about the events of the rescue that almost erased two lives.

No one knew exactly what ensued except for Poe, myself, and the spy. I’d been told he’d made a prompt retreat within the stolen First Order ship, promising to continue aiding the Resistance from elsewhere in the galaxy.

He hadn’t made contact yet, and I sincerely hoped somewhere, out in the vast expanse of space, he knew that I owed him my freedom.

There was still a few more minutes until the command meeting was due to be called. Nerves were starting to get the better of me, my foot tapping restlessly on the dampened cave floor, trying to prepare my answers to the inevitably difficult questions headed my way.

I wished Rey were here. Her exact location was still confidential, but wherever she was, she had yet to complete the mission she’d been tasked with, and communication over the preceding weeks continued to be spotty.

It was selfish, but without Poe to back me, I desperately needed her support. Having at least _one_ person who believed me, who could verify my abilities, might sway these people into thinking the hooded woman was a significant threat.

It was Lieutenant Kaydel Ko Connix, a woman extremely remarkable for her young age, with pale skin and blonde hair braided in a halo style, who came to usher me where High Command had been assembled.

“They’re ready for you,” she said softly, her mouth curling up sympathetically.

With a final deep inhale, I rose from my cot and moved to follow her.

Even with their decimated numbers, the temporary Resistance outpost always seemed a hive of activity, with near constant coming and goings of pilots on supply and recruitment missions.

Now however, stepping out into the main hangar with numerous command leaders settled under the hull of the _Tantive IV_ arranged in an irregular semi-circle, the base seemed eerily serene.

Many eyes became glued to my shape as I made my way in front of the small gathering. Leia’s tranquil expression was the first thing I recognised as I gained enough confidence to finally raise my sight, scanning over the group.

One person stood behind the rest, leaning rigidly on one of the ship's support shafts, arms folded, his stare never leaving the floor.

For a fleeting moment, I was overwhelmed with bitterness at Poe’s purposeful attempt to ignore my existence.

He should have to face this jury with me. Our relationship, or whatever was left of it now, was the whole reason I was stuck in this predicament.

Quelling the flare of emotion, I pulled my shoulders back, set my face with a calm exterior and readied myself to speak.

“I want to thank you all for letting me have this audience,” I started, my voice annoyingly fragile. “I know a lot of you have questions to ask concerning my presence here, about my imprisonment with the First Order and what my plans are now that I’ve been freed. So, here’s your chance. I’m ready to answer anything.”

There was an unusual stillness, before a bearded man with dirty blonde hair piped up, his darkened blue eyes alight with curiosity. “Beaumont Kin, intelligence division” he introduced. “While there is a great deal of questions I want to ask you, I suppose the one that holds the largest portion of my attention is; how exactly were you able to hold off Kylo Ren’s telepathy?”

_Dive right in, why don’t you._

“Well, through my own teaching, over many years, I was able to utilise my control of the Force to create a sort of… shield around my mind. An armour of sorts, used to hide my powers behind. Aboard the _Finalizer_ , I could _feel_ when he was trying to invade. The way he tries to infiltrate your thoughts… It’s like countless invisible hands clawing at you, nails digging into the skin.” The recollection of the sensation was unsettling, barely hiding the wince that wanted to show. “I don’t really know how I figured it out, to build that wall strong enough to withstand his invasion. I wasn’t sure I was able to until, I did.”

A Mon Calamari seated to Beaumont’s right chimed in. “So he was completely unable to read your thoughts while you were held under his captivity?”

“That’s correct.” There was no way I was explaining the two slips ups I underwent. “It’s the reason he wouldn’t let me leave. Kept me imprisoned.”

“But you weren’t exactly a prisoner, were you?” My vision darted to a gruff older man with peppered, wild hair and caramel skin. “Commander Gartfran,” he greeted coldly before continuing. “You worked for them as a doctor, caring for their higher-level leaders. You kept them alive during an epidemic that wiped out one-third of the Stormtrooper regiment aboard that ship.”

I nodded, stone faced. “While it’s true I engaged in work within my trained field, it was only under the pretext of being allowed out of the cell I was detained in for almost two week cycles. I was still a hostage in every sense.”

“You didn’t think to refuse them?”

The accusing tone of his voice irritated me. “I was alone, defenceless and being tortured by way of complete isolation. I figured trying to gain their trust would provide more opportunities for escape than waiting in a cell.”

Commander Gartfran still seemed suspicious, narrowing his eyes, but didn’t further his questioning. Yet, another deepened voice broke through, coming from Lieutenant Aarton Chireen, the quartermaster I’d been introduced to the day prior. I already knew he disliked me.

“I still don’t understand how you could have allowed them to live, even under your care. These First Order leaders are known _killers_ , ordering thousands to be slaughtered over their careers.”

It was already becoming hard to keep my expression blank. “Killing is their sin. I won’t allow it to be one of mine.”

_I have no doubt it’s one of yours though._

A small humanoid I knew by the name of Maz Kantana, covered by orange skin and tiny eyes set in her rounded face, posed another enquiry, one I had not been expecting. “It’s said you saved Kylo Ren from the brink of death due to that illness. Is that accurate?”

I couldn’t keep my mouth from slipping open, glaring harshly towards where Poe stood. I saw his eyes widen, startled. Yet still, he refused to look at me. 

_Damn you._

“That _is_ accurate,” I admitted, voice low, internally furious at Poe for exposing such a damaging fact.

“Why in _maker’s_ name would you do that?” The new voice came from a young dark-haired woman I recognised as Rose Tico, leader of the Engineering Corps. “You could have ended the war!”

I swallowed hard, hating the cold reality in her words, choosing to push against it. “The First Order would live on no matter if Kylo Ren had not survived. I, however, would have been executed as soon as they learned I had a hand in his death.”

“Do you think your own life is more valuable than the people he then sentenced to die on Coruscant? Their lives could have been saved if not for your intervention," Commander Gartfran argued.

My eyes drifted to Leia, who surprisingly kept quiet at the mention of her son’s death. She regarded me with an encouraging look, sensing she was allowing me the chance to defend myself, on my own terms.

“I am _not_ a murderer. It shouldn’t be my responsibility to cast away all the morals I hold, to break the oath I took, and allow someone, _anyone_ , to die when I could have spared them. And I won’t let _anyone_ make feel guilty over preserving life. It’s what I was born in this galaxy to do, it’s the one gift I’ve been given, and I’m _not_ going to apologise for it.”

There was only silence that followed, save from the distant sounds of machinery bouncing off the hangar’s walls.

Beaumont was the first the break the quiet again, seeming unfazed by my heated declaration. “Ah, speaking of your gift, I’d like to know if your healing abilities are as potent as we’ve been told.”

“You only need to look at Commander Dameron to recognise the rumours surrounding my abilities are factual.”

A few heads turned to peek back at Poe. He looked up to meet their stares, giving a curt nod of acknowledgment. 

_Thanks for your help._

With perfect timing, Finn’s voice sounded from behind me, walking into the fray and sitting down next to Rose, evidently late to this meeting. “It’s true. I saw the X-rays, read the medical notes. He wouldn’t have survived his injuries, or healed so quickly, by medical intervention alone. Especially with the rusty, old equipment in that clinic.”

While I shot an appreciative smile towards him, Beaumont apparently wasn’t quite satisfied.  
“If you’re feeling up to it, would you consider a demonstration?”

My eyebrows crinkled together. “I mean, sure. But how exactly can I show you? There’s no one here with any critical injuries.”

The man stood, walking towards me while rummaging around in his trouser pocket, eventually pulling out a small, handled blade. 

_He’d come prepared._

Before I had the chance to stop him, he’d extended his wrist towards me, swiftly slicing down his forearm, blood spilling out from the incision.

Instinct stepped in, my hands rapidly circling around his limb. The energy unlocked itself from where it laid in wait, racing through me and out past my fingertips, mapping out the maze of vessels. Within seconds, I was able to isolate the damaged tissue, working to stitch the punctures together, melding the carved muscle, eventually feeling the skin merge together underneath my palms. 

My feet stumbled backwards after discerning the wound was closed, chest swelling, more from the shock of his bold action than the fatigue of employing my ability.

Wiping the reddened fluid away, Beaumont inspected the site, fascinated. “Well would you look at that, she _can_ Force heal.” He stuck his unaffected hand into a shirt pocket, dragging out a somewhat clean-looking rag and offered it to me. “That’s very impressive.”

I glared at him, dumbfounded, my hands stained with his blood. “What the _frack_ is wrong with you? What if I’d been lying?”

He laughed. “You wouldn’t be here if that were the case. I just wanted to see it in action.” He shook the rag at me again, urging me to take it. I did so hesitantly, beginning to wipe the liquid off my hands, only now peering up to see the rest of the assembly all having the same bewildered expression on their faces. Including Poe.

Beaumont moved back to his seat casually, settling down, absorbed by his newly formed scar.

“How did you do that?” a larger man dressed in an orange Resistance flight suit asked, slightly aghast. I recalled Naako pointing him out to me during my tour of the base. Temmin ‘Snap’ Wexley, a Black Squadron pilot, the same one Poe commanded. 

“I don’t know… I just… _can_ ,” I answered. “How do you explain how you can breathe, or walk? I just know how to do it. It’s always been a part of me.” Cleaning the last remnants of blood, I tossed the cloth at Beaumont’s feet, both annoyed and grateful. 

_At least no one could question **that** anymore._

“If you’ll permit me,” an older, straw haired woman peeped, seeming more cautious to speak than the rest. “-I was hoping to learn more about your escape from the First Order.”

_Here we go._

“What would you like to know, uh…?”

“Oh, Commander Larma D’Acy,” she finished for me. Leia’s personal advisor. “There has been a lot of speculation about how, and why, it occurred. Would you be amenable to telling us your account?”

_Fuck._

My teeth gritted underneath the forced line of my lips. “Yeah. Of course.” I drew in a slightly shaky inhale, taking a few moments, trying to figure out where to start.

“During one of my limited interactions with the Resistance under First Order captivity, it was implied a rescue mission wouldn’t be feasible for your fleet. So while I was forming an escape strategy of my own, I was alerted by the spy that Commander Dameron was staging his own rescue attempt, alone.”

“Why?” Lieutenant Chirren probed.

“Because I was in love with her.” The sound of Poe’s voice was haunting, an icy thrill pulsing through me.

_Was._

Such a small yet devastating word.

There was an immense urge to glance at him, to look at the man who was now making the centre of my chest ache with a humiliating despair.

My features remained passive, determined not to let my emotions seep into my appearance.

“With the assistance of the spy, Commander Dameron was able to board the _Finalizer_ and intercept me-”

“Wait a moment, my dear,” Maz interrupted. “You mentioned an escape strategy of your own. I want to know about that.”

_This was a stupid idea. Facing them all. What the **fuck** was I thinking?_

I could feel my facial muscles straining to keep composure. There was no choice, honesty was my only option.

“I was instructed to deceive Kylo Ren, playing on his… attraction to me. Supposedly this would lead to my freedom.”

The confusion in the air was palpable.

“Instructed?” Rose queried.

“There is a presence that follows me. A woman. At first it was just her voice I heard within my thoughts, from when I was fairly young, guiding me. She became more relentless after Commander Dameron crashed on Raxus, when she turned increasingly critical of the… _bond_ we formed.”

It was disheartening to see the lack of reaction in Poe’s face when my eyes flickered to him. Through the burn of sadness, I continued.

“On the _Finalizer_ , the woman finally materialised, seemingly only to me. She was adamant about the incalculable deaths that would occur if I ignored her warnings, persuaded me to turn my attention towards the Supreme Leader. Supposedly my only means of escape lied with him. If I could gain his affection.” A familiar anger bubbled in my stomach. “That was a lie. She orchestrated all of it. The crash was a catalyst she set in motion, a means to place me at Kylo Ren’s feet.”

It was Finn who spoke up first. “So it was this woman who tampered with Poe’s ship? And BB-8?”

I nodded.

“Why was she so concerned with getting you to Kylo Ren?” Commander D’Acy wondered.

_This was the hard part._

"During the course of my captivity, our paths crossed increasingly frequently. There was a... connection we made. And subsequently, it caused him to change, through no fault of my own. When I learned of the attack on Coruscant, my revulsion was somehow enough to make him feel… _shame_. He was planning to stop the assault, to prove he wasn't the monster I thought him as. Although I only came to learn this information from the hooded woman _after_ I’d been rendered unconscious from the injuries received while Poe and I were trying to flee.”

Commander Gartfran huffed. “So why did the attack still go ahead?”

“During my rescue, she pulled my shield down long enough for Kylo Ren to know exactly where our escape route was. I was helpless to stop it, she's simply too powerful. When he caught us in the hangar and searched through Commander Dameron's mind, he saw _everything_ that happened between us."

I looked directly to Poe as I kept speaking, my voice turning soft. "He realised I was already in love with someone else. I told him that I didn’t return his affections, that everything I did was a fabrication. And with that, I can only assume he had no reason to halt his takeover of the galaxy anymore.”

There was conflict already showing on his face, eyes studying me, contemplating what I’d said.

“She met with me, the woman, in a state between life and death, before I woke here. Told me that’s what she’d tried to prevent, the deaths of millions at his hands. She was _furious_ at my decision not to follow the path that led to Kylo Ren. She didn’t understand I’d made my choice long ago. There was only one person I wanted a future with, no matter the cost.”

“Would you change your decision?” Maz asked suddenly, her tone suggestive. “If you knew the consequences?”

My eyes never wavered from Poe’s. “No, I wouldn’t.”

“You caused the deaths of all those people!” the Mon Calamari hollered.

“The First Order did. Not me.”

Lieutenant Chireen’s demeanour became fiery. “You could have prevented it! You were selfish!”

I winced as numerous voices erupted into the space. A clash of differing judgements echoed around me, several impassioned arguments rising to the surface. It was suffocating, a swirling hurricane of conflicting emotions filling the atmosphere, their fury building to terrifying heights.

“ _Enough_!” Poe roared. “That’s enough!” He stormed around the group to stand at my side, his aura burning so hot with rage it scorched my skin. “She’s not to blame. She just tried to stay alive, like we all do, everyday. You have _no right_ to question the way she did it.”

I stared at him, numb, for a moment thinking I’d fallen into an alternate dimension.

“This meeting is over,” he announced severely. “We’ll reconvene in the morning.”

His hand gripped onto mine, leading me away from the stunned assembly and up the ramp into the _Tantive IV_. My body was dragged harshly with him, no words exchanging between us, before making it to a closed door.

One swipe over the control panel at its side and he thrust me inside of the room that lay behind. It was clear as soon as I peered around where I was. 

_Poe’s personal quarters._

When I spun to face him again, he was tapping his fingers over the internal holo-screen, setting a hard-lock.

Before I had time to react, I was entangled within his embrace, hands snaking roughly around my torso, his lips crashing into mine.

I couldn’t help but recoil at his brazen act. “What are you doing?”

“Taking back what’s mine,” he declared, drawing me into another desperate kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys. GUYS.
> 
> I'M SO F*CKING EXCITED FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER. 
> 
> God, I hope the wait will be worth it for you all, eep.
> 
> Anyway, an early heads up. While I don't follow a particularly strict schedule, I've been *kind of* posting every week for like, 5 months. Don't know how?!? But I somehow managed it inbetween full time work + bonkers amounts of overtime.
> 
> So I recently got a promotion in my job and in two weeks will be starting to step up into the role, which means this gal will be very stressy and tired. I HOPE it won't affect my updating, but if it does, I am 100000% sorry.
> 
> I love you all and hate the thought of making you wait for more of this hot mess of a story, but I wanted to put the warning out there <3


	30. Punishment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would apologise for the decreased word count, but I think you'll forgive me this time.
> 
> There is literally 1% of plot in this chapter. 10% is just the word 'fuck'. Not sorry about that either. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Every single piece of the universe around me fell away. Thinking only of how Poe’s fingers clutched impatiently at my waistline, the sensation of his lips greedily rolling over mine, more fevered than the last time we’d been united like this.

I should have questioned it.

Pulled myself away and scolded him for the way he’d left me to stand against the onslaught I’d just endured. Lashed out in retribution for every moment of ignorance during my recovery, leaving me alone to come to terms with the new life I was about to lead.

There was so much left unsaid. So much we hadn’t resolved. 

Yet within moments, I was hopelessly caught in the vortex of his lust, the energy sparking from him already speaking the words he didn’t need to say out loud.

_We won’t be interrupted this time._

It was all that I wanted right now, all that I _needed_. To have his hands on me, to feel his body pressed against mine.

There was nothing in this whole galaxy that could have stopped me from returning his frenzied kiss, giving in easily to the ache thumping down below. 

I’d waited so long. Begged into the void of the universe for this exact scene to materialise.

Talking could come about later.

 _This_ needed to happen _now_.

He seemed to sense the lowering of my defences, beginning to drive me backwards until my spine connected into the wall. His touch strayed wildly over every portion of my body he could reach, continuing to kiss me roughly, tongue diving eagerly into my mouth.

My fingers found themselves weaving into his hair, clutching at the strands as Poe briskly moved his to the top button of my linen blouse.

I remembered the way he’d deftly separated the buttons of my shirt last time, _months ago_.

He didn’t exercise the same restraint now.

With one powerful tug, the fabric was ripped apart, causing the sound of tiny plastic to skitter on the metal floor.

His touch glided over bare skin, lips wandering down my neck, the heat of his hastened breath already making my legs quiver. Soon his palms were sliding under the fabric laying over my shoulders, moving the sleeves down until I was free of any covering, the cold air of this room swiftly settling over my torso.

To my surprise, he dropped to the floor, on his knees. Fingertips curled over the seam of my pants, assuming he was about to rid them just as aggressively as my shirt, when it became clear he was held in some kind of hesitation.

I peered down to see his eyes scanning over the reddened line of my scar, healed yet still fresh. After a few stilled moments, he tilted his face up, locking his stare with mine, but no words followed.

I could see it there, in his irises, more than I could sense it.

 _  
Regret_.

He felt _guilty_. Even when he wasn’t the one to wield the blade that sliced through me.

My mouth opened to speak, to soothe the torment I observed so plainly, but remained frozen when he refocused his stare back to the jagged streak. Ever so slowly, Poe leaned into where it began on my hip, placing a delicate kiss on the angered skin.

Hands drew themselves up the back of my thighs, eventually landing on my rear, proceeding to drift his lips across my lower abdomen, each connection filled with the same height of care and sweetness. Fingertips tensed into the flesh of my bottom, pulling my pelvis closer.

I could only think of how much I wanted him to move his kiss lower.

Eventually he’d made his way to the other boundary of my hip, lingering there only for the time it took to snatch his fingers into the bulky material of my trousers and abruptly pull them down.

The action made me suck in a startled breath, as Poe worked quickly to remove my legs from the tan-coloured coverings, picking off my shoes and flinging all remnants of clothing to the side.

I waited for him to rise to my level again, yet instead he shifted back to sit on his heels, studying me with a thoughtful edge to his expression. It was difficult not to feel exposed. Standing in front of him, the most raw and vulnerable I had ever been, dressed only in the plain, tattered underwear the Resistance had provided.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he breathed, catching me off guard. “You’re even better than I imagined you.” His gaze crawled down my shape, taking in every line and contour, stopping when he reached the panties I desperately longed for him to tear away.

I assumed my wish was granted when he leant forward, hands guiding up my thighs with fingers splayed out, bringing his face to where my slit waited, impatiently, for his touch.

My knees could have buckled when I sensed the tip of his nose grazing over the line of my folds, heaving a long breath, pressing harder into the thin cotton.

" _Fucking hell_ ,” he murmured heavily during the exhale.

Poe didn’t elaborate. Instead, he climbed to his feet and enveloped my mouth into an impossibly deep kiss, crushing his body into every curve of mine, charged currents sparking from my core when I felt his hardened length grind in between my legs.

I hungrily grasped the linen of his shirt, wanting to break apart the buttons just as severely as he’d done. Poe was quick to snatch each of my wrists and slam them into the wall I was forced against, just above my head, my throat letting out a small whine of rebellion.

He ignored my displeasure, thrusting himself harder into me, the fluid movement of his hips already causing breathy sighs to escape my chest.

Softened lips drifted up my throat, gradually finding their way to my ear lobe. Teeth nipped it harder than I was expecting, before a purposeful exhale sent heated air into the canal.

The rush of his breath into that place was a sensation I’d never felt before, an inferno instantly erupting inside, molten blood surging through my system.

He was still at my ear when he spoke, so gently, a stark contrast to the uninhibited way he kept sliding his erection over my increasingly sensitive clit.

“23.” The number was said with such certainty, like I should have known what it meant.

“Huh?”

A kiss landed just under my jaw before he spoke again. “Use the word if I go too far.”

_Like in sabacc_. _The limit. The line you cannot cross._

“Too far?”

“I need you to tell me if the pain is too much,” he insisted strictly.

It was hard to concentrate on articulating words with the pleasure rolling through my insides. “It… _uh!_ It doesn’t hurt. I’m… _oh maker_ … I’m not in pain anymore.”

Poe let his grip around my wrists unfasten, scooping my face into his palms, locking me into his intense stare. I promptly noticed the faint smirk set in his lips.

“That’s not the pain I was talking about.”

Sooner than I was able to comprehend, Poe had effortlessly spun my body to face the wall, feeling him brush his lips at the curve of my shoulder. This time he stood back, one set of fingers coiling around my left bicep. A warning to stay in place.

A hand floated softly over one side of my rear, Poe circling the tips of his fingers tenderly over the skin.

The sensation vanished, as a sudden blow connected ruthlessly into the flesh. It stung, in the most heavenly way, and a delighted whimper left me without pause.

While the burn of his hit lingered, he shifted to whisper in my ear.

“I know you regret what you did...” Another cruel smack landed on the same spot. “But you still need to be properly punished.”

“I can take it,” I returned breathlessly. “I deserve it.”

My figure became crushed against the wall, Poe’s body flush against me. “What’s the number?”

“23.”

“Remember it.”

Poe twisted me to face him, smoothly dipping down to wrap his arms around my waist and pick me up off the floor. I was hauled towards his bed, significantly more spacious than the cot I’d been afforded.

With one swift motion, I was pressed into the mattress, wrapped completely in his form, lips violently caressing mine. So starved. So frantic.

Fingers were soon scratching at my back where the clasp of my bra remained, Poe desperately trying to unlock the latches, failing miserably.

“Ah, _fuck_ it.” 

Wrenching himself away to sit over my hips, I wanted to chuckle at the irritated frown set in his features.

In the moments I surveyed his face, I became caught in the reminder of how _fucking_ handsome this man was. My vision trailed over the stubble covering his jaw, _urgently_ wanting to know what it would feel like to have it rubbing against my thighs.

Poe snatched my awareness back with the way he seized the straps of my bra and tugged them down, pulling the concealing fabric over my chest to leave it looped around my waist.

He wasted no time before diving down, swirling his tongue over one of my hardened nipples, fingers kneading into the flesh of my unattended breast. My hips bucked upwards as I rolled my head back, a salacious sigh flowing past my lips.

The sound made Poe’s efforts grow fierce, shifting to switch the attention of his mouth onto the other bud. He began to toy with the moistened nipple between his thumb and finger, plucking it just harshly enough to make me writhe under him, a loud whine escaping past my lips.

My response only spurred him further, feeling teeth bite hard into the fragile skin, a new thrill shimmering through my limbs.

“Ah! _Poe_!” I squealed. I could feel his smile as his tongue traced carefully over the spot he’d just attacked. 

“You told me you could take it,” he snapped, a burning edge to his tone. "Are you lying to me again?" 

"No!" Another heaving sigh left me as fingertips dug mercilessly into my breast.

"No who?"

_Oh. So that's what he likes._

"No _sir_."

Poe shifted to meet my face, eyes darkened with the most sinful greed.

"Try again."

A delicate smirk appeared on my lips when I realised where he was leading me.

"I can take it… _Commander_."

The exquisite growl that rumbled from his chest was already enough to send a rush of gratification through my system. Yet when he sank down, further than before, placing indulgent kisses over my tensed abdomen, I could feel my anticipation race toward a fevered peak.

Poe sensed it, my growing impatience, and I noted the glow of wickedness radiating off his shape. 

He continued to gently touch his lips around every surface of skin surrounding the cloth still covering me, tongue sliding faintly over the skin of my inner thighs, little sparks igniting with every connection.

The sensation was both delectable and _infuriating_ , bringing with it an intoxicating mix of heated anger and irretrievable need focused directly on the man who'd made it his mission to needlessly hold himself back.

My voice was strained, almost pathetic in its demand. " _Please_ Poe. I've waited long enough.”

"You and me both _baby_."

_Oh. That was new._

Biting my lip, tantalised by the term, I was startled by a thumb gradually skimming up my covered slit.

Poe was forced to hold me down as I wriggled underneath, desperate for more of his touch. "You need to be held accountable for your behaviour Alex." 

His warm breath brushed over my dampened panties, making me writhe even more severely, moaning hard.

He kept his tone calm. "And if you keep addressing me the wrong way, I'll only make you wait longer."

I sighed, frustrated, clutching the comforter below me, the burn of unfulfilled pleasure beginning to make my limbs ache. "Please, _Commander_. Please take my _damn_ panties off."

Poe chuckled. "Well, when you ask like that…"

Fingers seized the material, Poe yanking my underwear down, sliding the fabric past my calves and over my feet. 

Without his weight to keep them closed, my legs opened, spreading myself for him.

I heard the trembling breath he took. It almost drove me to _madness_.

" _Fuck_. _Fucking hell_ , Alex. You're _fucking_ perfect."

The way he said my name, strained and saturated with such obvious craving, made my whole body tense. 

His self-control melted away, crawling down to curl his arms under my thighs, harshly tugging me along the mattress and directly to where his mouth was waiting. 

Poe held no restraint in the way his tongue began to ravenously swirl over every portion of my pussy, our moans merging together as my core throbbed with relief.

I scratched my fingers into his hair, gripping harder as he began to explore the lines of my folds, relishing in the way sucked at the flesh, another impassioned whine surging from the pit of my lungs.

A smouldering ferocity started to thump outwards from Poe’s frame, pulling himself away to mutter a few barely intelligible words.

“That _asshole_ was right.”

My throat grew horribly tight, snapping my neck down to see Poe looking to me, his eyes wild with a worrying temper. 

I could only squeak the words out. “About what?”

“ _You_. How you taste… _fucking_ incredible.”

I was ready to unleash another cascade of apologies and pleadings for forgiveness, when Poe let out a venomous laugh. 

“I hope it haunts him for the rest of his life. Knowing he’ll never taste it again. That you’re _mine_.”

The breath I’d been holding wheezed out. “I’m yours,” I whispered. “I’m all yours.”

Poe’s tongue darted over his bottom lip, before teeth bit down, seeing his pupils flit over my face. I watched in silence, noticing the deep rise and fall of his chest, the aura around him building with a profound fervour.

_Give in to it. Please._

“Oh _fuck_ this.”

His grip became secured around my wrist, leading me to place my fingers towards the top of my divide. “Get yourself nice and wet for me,” he ordered, pushing himself backwards off the edge of the bed, standing, gaze centred where my hand was frozen. “ _Now_ , Alex.”

It was painfully hard to concentrate on making any kind of movement with the way his demand had set my insides ablaze with the most ferocious flames I had ever experienced.

I’d never had someone execute this kind of dominance. It was so utterly exhilarating I couldn't keep my head straight. 

"I'm not undressing until you touch yourself for me," he said strictly, the rumbling tone of his voice making my centre clench.

The thought of finally seeing him just as naked as I was stole my focus. Fingertips began to slowly stroke over my clit, hearing Poe's ragged groan filter into the air. 

His eyes were trained to my circling motion while mine were fixated solely on watching him begin to eagerly strip himself of his clothes. I could feel my core pulse when his torso finally became bare, the scattering of dark hair over his chest so deliciously attractive, abdomen chiselled and tense. 

My vision was momentarily caught by the necklace dangling around his neck, a single silver band hanging off it. I remembered it from months ago.

_His mother's ring._

When he started to unlock his belt, slipping the leather around with one smooth pull, I became instantaneously caught in an unstoppable wave of fear, one I couldn't prevent from crashing into me.

_This was really going to happen_.

It had been so long, so many years. I didn't know if I was ever _good_ at this kind of thing to begin with, let alone if I would be able to live up to the expectations built with so much time and distance between us.

I just wanted to please him, so badly. To make it worth all the longing and waiting and betrayal and hurt I'd caused.

I wanted to be enough. 

As the seconds passed, the swell of doubt that had so suddenly risen was smothered by an undeniable greed for the exquisite man that now stood before me. Completely naked, my gaze wandering over Poe’s caramel skin, before it locked onto the breathtaking hardness of his erection.

And _maker_ , there was no end to how urgently I needed it inside of me.

Our stares seemed to magnetically lock together, and the expression he wore pushed away every last remnant of worry from my mind. I could see it in the way his jaw tightened, swallowing hard, eyes wide with panic. 

_He was nervous too_.

For some indiscernible reason, it made my lips curl into the softest of smiles. I took a deep breath, settling myself, before nodding my head, wordlessly telling him…

_I’m ready if you are._

He rushed to connect his body with mine, draping himself fluidly into every contour of my shape, hands slinking around my face as his kiss consumed every facet of my thoughts.

Although, that was only until I sensed him gliding perfectly over my slit, the slick of my wetness making the motion luxuriously smooth. I whined into his mouth as the silken friction sent an overwhelming bliss to travel through my bloodstream, nails scratching harshly at his back. 

“Say it again,” Poe pleaded.

“I don’t-”

“The last words you spoke. Say them again.”

It was impossible not to let out a moan before I could do as he asked. “ _I’m all yours_.”

There were only moments of disconnection as I felt him shift to align the tip of his cock at my entrance, slipping his entire length inside within one precise motion.

_Finally_.

All hesitation was lost, our kiss deepening as he began to thrust impatiently, completely filling me, over and over. An unmistakable ecstasy began to stir down below amongst the faint sting that came with accommodating his size.

“ _Maker,_ you’re so _fucking_ tight,” Poe hissed, burrowing his face into my neck, clutching me ever closer, his movements building their pace.

The way he rolled his hips, so effortlessly smooth yet animalistic, was more satisfying than any of my wildest imaginations. 

Every word was interrupted by an indulgent moan as Poe drove himself harder and harder between my legs, losing myself in the pleasure.

" _Fuck_ … _Yes_ … _Ah_! _Oh_ … _oh_ _stars_ … _Yes_ _Commander…_ "

Poe let out the most raptured groan, biting and sucking on the skin on my throat. An arm hooked under my knee, pulling it upwards, the angle he'd so suddenly created pushing him impossibly deep.

"Oh _fuck_!" I wailed, causing him to snake a hand over my mouth, not stopping his urgent thrusts, the proceeding whimpers that escaped muffled into his palm.

"I _fucking_ love those noises _baby_ ," he panted, breathless. "But I don't want _anyone_ else to hear them."

His strokes were relentless, so strong and frantic, every portion of my insides white hot with a smouldering heat, making it impossible not to squeal repeatedly. 

Poe had his face meet mine, still muzzling me, and I noticed the sweat that had begun to form at his hairline. 

"Still remember that number?"

My eyes widened, before nodding.

He completely removed himself, shifting back on the mattress. "On all fours. _Now_."

I scrambled to flip myself over, wishing I was a more graceful person, or at least a more composed version of myself.

Poe held little care for how I followed his demand, focused only on immediately sliding his cock back inside the second I was set on my hands and knees.

I soon recognised he'd grasped onto the base of my braid, tugging harshly as he resumed the fluid motion of his hips behind me, the direction he plunged into only increasing the ecstasy pooling in my lower abdomen. 

He gripped harder on my hair, before a vicious smack landed on my rear. The shock of it made me jolt forwards, a spike of two very different types of pain making my eyes water. 

I couldn't prevent the yelp that followed the second sharp blow, Poe skimming his fingers softly where his hits connected, soothing the stinging flesh. 

His voice remained low, moans filtering through his words. "Are you… alright? Is… Is my punishment… too much?"

"Have I said the word?" I snarled, somewhat offended by how fragile he assumed me to be.

He growled, yanking my braid once more, another fierce strike burning into my skin. 

The pain made me clench around him, and I was overwhelmed by the throbbing energy Poe began to emit as his thrusts became sharper, more intense, breaths quickening.

"Alex… _Fuck_ … I can't… I'm not going to last much longer."

Bliss rippled out from my centre at the thought of his release. " _Yes_... Please come for me… _Inside_ … you can _come_ inside me…"

Both hands flew to my hips, plunging his cock into my cunt even more desperately, obscene sounds echoing in the air. I relished every stroke, my mind clouded by both his pleasure and my own. 

The sizzle of Poe's impending climax radiated from him so harshly I could feel the vibrations flicker over my skin, knowing he was about to unravel when his breath hitched in his throat, a guttural moan proceeding to rumble through his teeth.

An immense flow of euphoria pulsed into the air, Poe bucking wildly into me as he rode out the surging height of his orgasm. His momentum gradually slowed, the slickness I now felt between us impossible to ignore.

I heard him panting for a few moments, catching his breath, when abruptly he leant forward to curl his arm around my torso, snatching me upright so I was kneeling on his lap. One hand was quick to grab at my throat, pulling me into his chest, the other slithering downwards, beginning to swirl his touch over my arousal.

" _This_ is the part I've been waiting for," he heaved, holding me tighter when I began to twitch and spasm on top of him. "I can't _fucking_ wait to hear you _come_ for me."

An errant thought sparked inside my mind, completely unwelcome, holding down the release Poe was drawing to the surface with the perfect trace of his fingers. 

_“I’m the **only**_ _one who gets to make you come.”_

The memory made my nails scrape into Poe's thighs. He responded by increasing his pace, sliding over the swollen nub with an effortless rhythm.

I was so close, so ready for the man I _loved_ to be the one to make me unravel.

My concentration locked on the heat of Poe's skin. The chest hair that tickled my back. The excited exhales he huffed out. The ring I could feel etching a mark into my flesh as he clutched my body closer.

The combination of it all was more than enough to push away every hindrance, my abrupt, high-pitched inhale an easy signal for Poe to clamp his hand over my mouth as I cried out in a peak of unimaginable pleasure.

Every muscle tensed as I squirmed hopelessly on his lap, my insides pounding with the most mesmerising sensation.

An overpowering thrill of relief suddenly ricocheted inside my brain.

My throat constricted, ice rushing through my blood, when I became fully aware that _it wasn't mine_.

A voice, _his_ voice, drifted in.

" _You're… alive_."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE DID IT! IT FINALLY HAPPENED! AN ACTUAL SEX SCENE! HUZZAH! 
> 
> So if any of you noticed the 60 chapter limit, I would take that with a grain of salt. It's purely an estimate, this saga could very well go further than that, but alas, time will tell.
> 
> Much love to you all!


	31. Connection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a slight break before writing this chapter, hence the weird day of posting. But here we are anyway!
> 
> I want to give a massive shout of love and affection to those of you on here and on Tumblr who keep supporting my wussy butt when I get all anxious and down about my story and writing abilities. Truly I don't know how I deserved such kind, compassionate people to enter my life. Thank you is not enough, but I'll say it over and over. THANK YOU.

The connection lingered in static flashes as I tried to rid the intrusion from my brain. But Kylo refused to let go of the hold he'd somehow secured, invisible fingers gripping desperately into the edge of my mind.

" _Tell me where you are_."

The words felt so distant, yet unusually clear.

_How… how are you doing this?_

His voice was soft, pleading. It confused me.

_"Tell me. I **need** to find you..."_

_Get out! Get out of my head!_

He did the opposite, delving deeper in the inner workings while I executed all I could to force his unseen assault away. It became clear I was still so weakened from my recovery, struggling to build up the stamina I needed to push away the tendrils that began to hurriedly search through the intricate pathways of my thoughts. 

I could only faintly feel the world around me as hands coiled around my arms, shaking me, trying to pull my consciousness back to reality. 

But I was trapped by the person inside my head, his power far too consuming for me to break free. My instincts had the only commanding effect, rushing to attempt what the hooded woman only alluded to. 

Before he could find his way to it, I dedicated all of my attention on encircling the diminished strength of my shield around every last detail of the Resistance, the planet I now called my temporary home, any memory of the last three days I’d lived through. 

Seconds passed as I readied myself to feel the claws of Kylo’s telepathy dig into the information he’d demanded from me. Yet I suddenly felt the energy weaving inside become... _distracted_.

I couldn’t stop it, not if I wanted to keep the location of this base hidden.

Memories began to play, _my_ memories. Of him. _Of us_. 

My thoughts. My emotions. Everything that had transpired from the instant we met. Moments that he’d seen with different eyes.

Every scene was joined by an overwhelming cascade of feelings that were all too familiar. It was as if I was reliving it, from the beginning, all over again. The hatred. The fear. The desire. The conflict. The _affection_. 

He saw every second, clutching to the moments where my perception of him began to unknowingly change before my eyes, caring for him in a way I couldn’t have foreseen. 

His words were so quiet, so subdued, but I felt the emotion behind them begin to pulse through my limbs as he spoke.

“ _It… wasn’t a lie_.”

My reply surged through before I could prevent it, soaked with disdain. 

_I don’t feel that way. Not anymore._

“ _But you did_. _You still do. I can see it. I can **feel** it_.”

Every part of me stilled. My heartbeat. My breathing. All muscles locking into place. 

_No… no I don’t. I **won’t** feel that way._

“ _I **knew** it.” _His echoing voice became harsh, frantic. _“You're choosing to deny it. What you feel.”_

Fury rippled through me.

 _It doesn’t matter. I **choose** him. I **want** him_.

“ _Alexys_...” The way he spoke my name, over the millions of lightyears between us, made my blood burn with an inescapable thrill of despair. “ _Tell me where they took you. Please._..”

I doubted he had said that word often in his life, and the realisation caused a sting of yearning to simmer through my body.

But it was short lived, when the images of death and destruction he'd caused swept my thoughts.

_I’ll **never** let you find me_.

The wrath I sensed coursing through our connection scorched my insides, my chest ablaze with smouldering embers.

“ _We’ll see_.”

Suddenly, it was gone. The link between our minds. Severed instantly, with no explanation, the room around me settling back into focus.

My cheek was pressed against Poe’s chest, his arms clutched around me, soothing words drifting from his mouth.

“Fight it Alex. Keep fighting it. I know you can.”

My hands moved to embrace him in return, seizing his torso tightly into mine, my lids seeping with tears of frustration.

“Don’t hate me. _Please_ , please don’t hate me. I couldn’t help it...”

Poe withdrew himself from our hold, momentarily startled by my entrance into the present moment. But he scooped his palms under my jaw, making my eyes concentrate on his, the expression he wore flooded with concern. “Was it her? Was it the woman?”

I wanted to shrivel into nothing, rather than reveal the presence that had pierced his way past my defences. But I couldn’t lie. Not now.

“It was _him_ ,” I admitted, my voice breaking. “I don’t know how. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Poe's eyes grew heated, feeling his fingers tense on my cheeks.

“What?”

“He started to search through my mind. He wanted to know where you took me.” I could feel myself cracking under the unforgiving pressure of guilt. “I tried to keep him out. I really did.” Nails scratched into his skin, my stare pleading, already feeling as I was begging for forgiveness.

“Hey, _shh_ , it’s alright,” Poe calmed as his faced melted into understanding, yet with an edge of caution. “Does he know? Is the base compromised?”

His quick acceptance startled me, shaking my head. “No. I was able to keep the Resistance information safe. All of it.”

“Are you sure?”

“I'm certain.”

His pupils scanned over my face, eventually breathing out in relief. “Thank _frack_ for that. How are you feeling? Did it hurt as much as the last time?”

I felt my eyes widen at his question. “I... No... Are you not mad at me?”

“Why would I be _mad_ at you?” Poe moved a hand to brush an errant strand of hair from my temple, tucking it behind my ear.

“Because it was _him_. That I allowed him in, that he felt me... you know...”

His expression became slightly hardened. “I’m sorry, _what_?”

_Fuck_.

I hadn’t come close to broaching this subject yet.

_He'll never touch me again._

My words tumbled out exceedingly panicked. “The mental block, it breaks when _that_ happens. I can’t help it. I’m so... _distracted_ that I can’t hold the shield. It happened on the _Finalizer_... when we... over the holo. I thought... being so far away... That he wouldn’t...”

I could my feel lungs squeeze tighter, studying Poe’s face for his inevitably horrified reaction.

There was a twitch at his right cheek, before a bizarre smile curled his lips.

And he _laughed_.

“He felt what I did to you? Just before?”

My eyebrows pulled together, suspicious of his reaction, nodding slowly.

I watched in disbelief as Poe's expression started to beam, the energy around him emitting an unusually self-indulgent glow.

“Oh I bet it’s driving him _fucking_ insane!”

His lips were suddenly on mine, catching me in an impassioned kiss that left me scrambling for understanding.

My voice was high pitched and unsteady when Poe released me, gawking at the way his irises burned with an unmistakable delight.

“I thought you’d be so angry with me.”

“The fact he knows _exactly_ what I did to you...” A low hum of satisfaction rumbled from his chest. “I hope he felt every-” He kissed one cheek, “single-” then kissed the other. “-second of you _coming_ for me.”

My face remained fixed in its confusion. “H-how are you taking this so well?”

He flashed me an impossibly charming grin before leaning in close.

“Because in the end, I got the girl.”

I wanted to wither under the weight of his words, my heart thumping through a few elated beats, but I couldn’t ignore the unease that swirled in the pit of my stomach.

“You didn’t seem to want her the last three days.”

His kiss was slower this time, gentle, lips rolling over mine in soft waves. Palms slipped down to my waist, the feel of his touch still electrifying as the fingertips glided over my bare skin.

Poe’s lighter disposition had already faded as we disconnected, jaw tensed, and I noticed his struggle to return my gaze.

“I never stopped _wanting_ you,” he said quietly, a familiar ache in his voice. “I was _hurt_ , Alex. Finding out like that, after thinking he'd been lying about it all. Knowing you’d allowed it to happen, that you’d made some kind of… _bond_ with _him_ , of all people.” His eyes met mine, a subtle flicker of anger glowing in them. “I mean, how else could I have reacted? You would have been just as disturbed as I was.”

“I know,” I sighed. “Trust me Poe, I know. I wish…” My hands drifted to rest at his neck, a thumb skimming over the stubble covering his jawline. “I wish I could take it all back. I wish I never let that woman influence me. I can’t believe how _senseless_ I was.”

Poe grimaced, his mouth twisting before settling into a hard line, seeming uncomfortable.

“What?”

“I think that’s something I need to apologise for,” he admitted. “Calling you naïve. And foolish.”

“You don’t need to. It _was_ naive, to believe her. But she’s just so… threatening. And _powerful_. She has a strength over me that I can’t fight.”

“And yet you still defied her. Because of me.”

I nodded, although a swell of bitterness rose in my chest. “They all think it was selfish. That I caused the deaths of all those people.”

“I still stand by what I said. You’re not to blame for that attack. There’s a very real possibility it would have happened _no matter_ what you did. You don’t know if First Order High Command might have convinced their Supreme Leader to go ahead with the plan, or that maybe he himself would have changed his mind again.”

I recoiled slightly at his speculation, arms dropping to my sides. _I hadn’t even thought of that._

“And hey,” he continued. “She also said I’d be one of the casualties, right? And I’m still here. You said she lied to you, dangling an escape in front of your face to push you into acting on her instructions. You have no idea how many other lies she might have told to get what she wanted.”

My tongue felt heavy in my mouth, dumbfounded, realisations hitting me like physical strikes. 

Poe immediately saw the anguish show in my face as I cursed myself once again for how _stupid_ I continued to be. He quickly scooped my face into his hands, urging me to look at him.

“You did what you could with the situation that you faced. I understand that now. You can keep looking back and torment yourself over the what if’s, but what’s done is done. And… we’re here now. You’re here, with me.”

I searched over his face, the expression he wore filled with such a warming sincerity.

“That’s all I wanted,” I whispered.

His lips curled into a soft smile. “Me too.”

A few beats of silence passed, and a niggling question kept incessantly pulling on a thread inside my brain. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear the answer, but there was no way we were going to get past any of this if I didn’t know.

“What changed Poe? You couldn’t even _look_ at me before.”

He heaved out a harsh breath, removing his touch from me and shifting off of the bed. Somehow, even in this tension filled moment, I couldn’t prevent my gaze from travelling down his bare skin, biting my lip at the uninhibited view of his naked body. The thought that sparked in my mind had me struggling to hold down an inappropriate smile.

_Maker, he had a nice butt._

I forced my composure to return as I watched Poe slip back into his pants, before picking his shirt off the floor and handing it to me.

“Sorry, it’s starting to get a little distracting trying to talk when, well… you look like _that_.”

There was an inevitable blush that flooded my cheeks, but I promptly moved to the edge of the mattress, replacing the straps of my bra, and took the piece of clothing, fitting it over my torso and fixing a few of the buttons together.

Poe then sat back down, facing me, his expression restored to the same intense appearance that he held before he’d moved.

“I’m sorry for keeping my distance. There was a lot going on in my head, you know? I didn’t really know how to cope with it.”

“You don’t need to apologise for that. At all. After everything I did, the way I hurt you-”

His hand gripped mine. “It wasn’t just that Alex.” I could sense the ripple of remorse that echoed around him, and it stilled me. “I just felt so… guilty.” His voice became weak, stare flickering to the floor. “I was there. Every night. Watching you fight to stay alive. You almost _died_ , and it would have been my fault.”

“No-”

“It would,” he insisted, cutting off my refusal. “I decided to go ahead with that escape plan, knowing how dangerous it was. I was ready to put myself in harm’s way to get you out of there, not even thinking about how much I was putting _your_ life at risk if it all went wrong. And well, we both know how wrong it went.”

“You weren’t to know that a mystical presence was going to ruin what was a pretty well constructed plan,” I pointed out.

Poe shrugged, conceding only slightly. “That did put a spanner in the works, yeah.” He turned serious again. “But it was all a domino effect from _my_ decision. And you can’t look at me and tell me that it wasn’t completely rash and irresponsible on my part.”

It was difficult not to agree. Yet I still let a softened smile seep into my expression. “It was _brave_. I owe you my freedom. Nothing can change that fact.”

“And I owe you my life,” he returned solemnly. “That lightsaber was meant for me, Alex. It's what I couldn’t wrap my head around. Being so grateful for your sacrifice, so guilty that you had to do it in the first place, but still so angry at what you’d done. It was all I could think about, and even just looking at you made it so much more... overwhelming.”

Poe's eyes moved to where our fingers were intertwined, the stare turning heated as his voice dipped lower. “There’s no other way I can put it. I was _so fucking jealous_. Not only that he did things to you that, _maker_ , I had been dreaming about every _damn_ night, but that he might have stolen some of the connection that I thought we made.”

There was an inescapable twinge in my chest, knowing there was a horrifying truth in what he’d said, one I wanted so badly to erase from existence.

“You still haven’t answered my question,” I reminded him. “What changed?”

He still didn’t look to me, feeling a thumb begin to graze over the back of my hand, as the previously inflamed energy that radiated around him melted into a glow of calm.

“Watching you in front of High Command. I knew you were resilient, but _damn_... That was something else. It wasn’t a surprise when they didn’t hold back with their interrogation, but the way you didn’t even flinch, only giving brutally honest answers...”

“You didn’t see the fear causing havoc inside my head,” I admitted.

“No one did,” he countered. “That’s my point. You were so _strong_. And you did it alone.” Our gaze connected and in his face I saw a shimmering pride. “You faced them while I stood there and did nothing. You told them you would have done everything all over again, exactly the same, just for a chance at the future you wanted. With me. Even when it seemed like it wasn’t possible.”

Fingers curled into the base of my hair, clutching me firmly, Poe’s irises seeming to smoulder with an intense resolve.

“You reminded me how much I wanted it too. And made me realise you’d never stopped fighting for it. For us. So I’m doing the same. I’m going to fight for you. I’m not going to give in to that woman in your head, and I’m certainly not going to let that _asshole_ who nearly killed us both take you from me _ever again_.”

The relief that pulsed through my body was immeasurable, a bright, hot gleam of elation weaving around my veins as I immediately set my lips onto Poe's. I snaked my arms around his still bare torso, wrenching his chest to mine as he eagerly returned my kiss, parting his lips for my tongue to hungrily explore his mouth.

But it wasn’t long before he pulled away, somewhat reluctantly, his tone pressing.

“I want to start again. Not from scratch, obviously, but I just think, if we’re going to make this work, we should at least try to...”

“Leave the past behind,” I finished for him. It was all I wanted, but I didn’t assume he had the same mindset. “Do you think we can?”

“Look, we both _fucked_ up. A lot. But we both want _this_ , we’re both sorry, and punishing each other for things we can’t change is only going to keep us apart.”

I had to swallow hard, soon unable to hold down the bashful smirk that appeared slowly on my lips.

“I mean, if your kind of punishment was always like… _that_ … I wouldn’t mind you continuing to _correct my behaviour_.”

Poe’s expression flickered from startled to captivated, eyebrows raised. “You enjoyed that huh?” His grip at my neck became slightly harder, making small goosebumps settle over my skin.

I nodded. “I _really_ enjoyed it.”

“Kind of ruins the point of a punishment then, doesn’t it?”

He chuckled at the sulking reaction that took over my face, before shooting me a beaming smile. “Don’t worry, I haven’t finished with you yet.”

I looked up hopefully at him, arching an eyebrow, inviting him to make true on that statement.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he whispered softly, seeing his eyes trail over my lips. “You have no idea how much I want to, but I, uh…” He looked down, frustrated, only to have his heated gaze lock with me again. “I’m going to need a small break.” His fingers were coiled around my neck then, with one restrained squeeze. “Only so I can _fuck_ you exactly the way you deserve.”

A frustrated groan left me, already impatient, and his words didn’t help that situation.

“Sorry to make you wait _baby_ ,” he breathed, placing a delicate kiss on my forehead, and I could feel my cheeks flush at my new name. “It’s not going to be as long as before, I promise.”

“Ah! Don’t jinx it!” I cursed, smacking him on the chest.

A genuine laugh resounded from Poe as he released his hold on me and stood up. “Come on, it’s almost ration time, and I don’t know about you, but I could do with some food.”

Eating hadn’t exactly been the most pain-free experience lately, but the thought of any type of meal spent in his company made me instantly step to my feet and scramble to find the clothes Poe had tossed to the far side of his tiny quarters.

“I would keep the shirt,” he said as I slipped my underwear over my thighs, turning to see him inspecting the now buttonless piece of the clothing he had unceremoniously torn apart.

“I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

“Not really.”

I caught the proud look on his face as he shifted his attention to opening a drawer and pulling out a similar coloured fabric.

“You’re not even sorry about it, are you?”

“Of course not.”

“Would I be correct in assuming it won’t be the last of my clothing you ruin?” I asked playfully.

He barely stifled a laugh. “Possibly.”

While we both arranged ourselves back into a more publicly acceptable state, I could feel my mind begin to bubble with a slightly humiliating thought.

“They’re going to realise, you know. That we… um… _made up_ the way we did. If I’m wearing _this_.” I gestured to the faded teal linen that I had to tuck tightly into my trousers to prevent it from looking horribly baggy and loose around my torso.

Poe seemed unphased. “What? You think they’ll judge you? I think all of them have had their fill of that already.”

When a memory blinked of the verbal battering I’d received, it was hard not to wince. “I mean, yeah. But I was actually more concerned that it might change their opinion of _you_.”

His eyes narrowed as he came to stand in front of me. “No more of that, okay? No more thinking of yourself as this terrible, evil person.”

“But some of _them_ do, Poe. I can _feel_ it,” I insisted, pinching the bridge of my nose as I let out a large sigh. “ _Maker_ , I wish Rey were here. Having her in my corner would carry so much more weight, especially with everything surrounding the hooded woman. I feel like they would believe me more if I had an actual _Jedi_ supporting my claim.”

I watched as Poe stilled, abruptly engrossed within his own mind when a realisation appeared to hit him.

“I can’t believe I forgot,” he murmured to himself, before his focus was on me once more. “She heard him, just like you did. Saw him. Spoke to him even with lightyears of distance.”

“You mean who you I think you mean, right?”

“Who else would I be talking about? Rey told us she’d somehow communicated with him on Ahch To, appearing before her.”

I shook my head, perplexed. “It was just his voice, Poe. Not _him_.”

“Not yet anyway,” he maintained. “You’re not getting my point.”

“Evidently not, but you’re not exactly making a lot of sense.”

He exhaled harshly. “I’m _trying_ to provide an explanation about why you heard him before, why he might have heard you.”

“Then do it, I’m all ears,” I pushed, probably a little too severely.

“It was Snoke, all along. _Bridging_ their minds, connecting them through no fault of their own. For his own gain.”

_Oh._

“The woman, _it’s her_ ,” he continued, the tone of his voice unwavering. “She’s doing the same thing.”

**_Hm. Seems like there might be a brain inside that flyboy’s head._ **

****

My face snapped into the direction of her voice, glints of fury ricocheting around my body.

“Show yourself,” I seethed out loud. “We need to talk, _now_.”

**_Ah, yes. We do have some matters to discuss._ **

I stepped away from Poe, searching desperately over the room for even a hint of her brown robes. “Are you here?”

**_No. But I’m not far. Come find me._ **

****

A violent pulse of energy shattered from somewhere in the distance, enveloping all my senses before calming into a steady beat. I centred all of my attention to it, feeling an invisible string begin to pull at my limbs, begging me to move. Impulse made me storm towards the door, before a hand wrenched me backwards.

“She’s here, isn’t she?”

“She wants me to meet with her,” I rushed. “I have to go.”

Poe’s grip grew stronger. “Not without me you’re not!”

The aggressive edge in his voice stunned me, making every movement cease.

“I’m not letting you face her alone again,” he fired. “You can go, but I’m coming with you.”

“But-”

His glare was enough to incite a chill of hesitation. “No, Alex. There’s no ‘but’. You’re going to lead me to her. That’s it. That’s your only option.”

“I don’t want her to hurt you,” I pleaded.

“So you think I’m going to just watch you walk away and meet with a spirit, or whatever the _fuck_ she is, knowing she has the ability to _hurt_?”

I hissed out a breath, exasperated. “I _need_ to talk to her Poe. And she’s giving me the chance.”

“So do I! There’s more than a few things she’s got to answer for, almost _killing_ me being one of them.”

Silence descended, our stares blazing into each other’s for an indeterminate amount of time, before I relented.

“Fine! Okay? Fine. But you have to promise not to provoke her.”

Poe rolled his eyes. “You know I won’t agree to that.”

I frowned, knowing he was absolutely right. “Could you at least try?”

“I’ll consider it.”

“Ugh, good enough. Come on.”

Poe was quick to move past me to a closed locker, pulling out two archaic looking hand torches and handing one of them to me.

“I assume we’ll be needing these?”

I centred on where the mystery beam of Force energy flowed, sensing its origin being further than this base’s reach.

“I would say so. I think… she’s in the jungle.”

Poe let out an annoyed groan. “ _Of course_ she is.”

He shifted to wave his palm over the internal holo-screen, the hard-lock having long been expired, and grabbed my hand, entwining his fingers through mine, before marching down the narrow corridors of the _Tantive IV_ , escorting me out of the ship and into the hanger we had so suddenly exited earlier in the evening. 

Thankfully there was no one there to spot us hastily make our retreat, the base turning into its usual pacified state as the night overcame Ajan Kloss. There were only the distant sounds of friendly chatter echoing as Poe let me take the lead, refusing to let go of my hand.

Suddenly a high-pitched beep erupted, that only grew louder as it raced towards us, and I was so glad to hear it I couldn’t help but stop in my tracks.

“BB, not now!” Poe hollered.

I ignored his irritation, turning to see the droid happily screeching away, his photoreceptor darting from entangled fingers to our faces. I instantly abandoned my grasp, dipping down to the little BB-unit I had yet to see since I’d woken up on this planet.

“BB-8!” I burst, wrapping my arms around his spherical body and squeezing him when I knew he wouldn’t feel it. “Where have you been? I’ve missed you!”

A cascade of beeps flew out, and the limited binary I’d rehearsed on the _Finalizer_ only brought about a vague understanding of a mission he’d been sent on to recruit the help of more droids to the Resistance population.

“Oh I’m so proud of you!” I stroked his head cheerfully, forgetting the situation I was stuck in. More noises drabbled out of the droid as he focused on Poe, a question hanging in the air when the last of his beeps left him.

“Look, I can explain it all later, okay?” he urged sternly. “But Alex and I have something we need to do.” Poe joined me in bending down, his expression significant. “If we're not back to base in an hour, alert Leia. You got that buddy?”

It was obvious in the concerned sounds BB-8 emitted that he was distressed about this possibility, as I managed to catch the last of his words.

“ _Come with you_? _Protect you_?”

I placed a soothing palm over the metal. “The best way you can protect us is hanging back BB. We'll be fine, it’s just a precaution, alright?”

He let out a reluctance beep of acceptance.

“ _Careful_. _Please_.”

“I’m always careful,” Poe assured him, and the resulting scoff BB-8 whistled forced me to smother a snicker.

“I’ll be careful for the both of us,” I whispered, giving the droid once last comforting rub before standing, Poe doing the same.

I looked to his face, wordlessly telling him I was ready, before shifting my attention back to the unbroken stream of energy I was tied to as it continued to tug at me, inviting me closer to an unseen destination.

Now allowing it to guide my advance, my feet moved smoothly under me with Poe quickly matching my stride, venturing past the line of civilization that this outpost had made and into the dense jungle. It was so dark, and damp, feeling the moisture of dew brush against my skin as we tried to navigate through the immense thrush of trees and shrubs.

There was a constant buzz of insects and other unknown fauna billowing through the small spaces in between the increasingly thick plant life, my heartbeat beginning to increase, a sizzle of unease building with every step I took. But I didn’t slow my pace, keeping every focus on the goal that I could sense getting nearer, trying not to think of the many eyes of strange creatures that might be watching as we passed by.

“How much further?” Poe asked slightly breathless, as we dipped underneath a fallen tree that threatened to block our path.

Helping him through the tight space, I eyed a soft flush of light shimmer through the holes of tightly woven plant life, the energy thumping behind making my body start to tingle with an uncomfortable electricity. “Just through there.”

I rushed to start haphazardly pulling away the vines that shielded my destination from view, the radiance streaming through becoming brighter, until I had made an opening just sizeable enough for my body to slip through.

The scene that lay before my eyes left me speechless, barely noticing as Poe stumbled through the line of jungle and straightened himself next to me. Words escaped him too, feeling his aura become as mesmerised as I had, both our gazes scanning over the landscape, quite possibly the most enchanting view I had witnessed in my life.

Our feet stood motionless at the base of a vast, glittering lake, streaks of moonlight dancing over the surface, the water's movement rippling outwards from a cascading waterfall that poured over the imposing cliff face towering above us.

The vivid colours saturating hundreds of delicate flowers that scattered endlessly around the lake’s edge seemed to glow, almost sparkling under the moon's illumination.

The hum of wildlife was gone, replaced with the sounds of a constant, tranquil flow of water, only accompanied by the slow breaths Poe and I took, almost in unison. It was so easy to become hypnotised by it, caught in the spell of this magical place, feeling my anxiety drift away into the balmy night around us.

Only until her voice broke through.

“ ** _Why must you always purposefully defy me Alexys_**?”

Both of our bodies spun around, Poe’s hand instinctively latching onto my arm, protective.

There she was, materialised into reality, her visage unchanged, a hood still draped over her eyes and an irritated scowl set firmly in her lips.

“ ** _I assumed I wouldn’t need to tell you to come alone._**”


	32. The Lake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, okay, what an intense journey this was to write.  
> I hope you're prepared for a toothache, because hoooooo boy there's some SWEETNESS coming.
> 
> There's also word I never imagined myself using in here, and you'll know it when you read it, but IT JUST FIT OKAY? Writing smut is definitely a learned process and even 6 months later I'm still coming to grips with typing it out without DYING inside. 
> 
> Anyway, big hugs to all of you still reading this saga! Forever on my cool list ;)

Before, her voice would have sent the most chilling shivers of fear down my spine. Yet instead I felt only the pulse of defiance.

“Your existence is not exactly a secret anymore. So, anything you have to say can be said in front of the man whose life you continually threaten.”

“ ** _Are you sure about that_**?” she posed. “ ** _There is nothing you would be afraid I could… let slip_**?”

I grinded my teeth, pushing down the quick thrill of dread that wanted to rise. “I’m sure.”

The woman shrugged, her mood shifting. “ ** _Well, if that is how you want this to proceed, I suppose I cannot stop you_**.”

She began to step towards us then, and I noticed how Poe was held in a somewhat immovable silence, his muscles locked in place.

“ ** _I see you’ve managed to heal quite well from your injuries. I will admit I didn’t have much faith in your Resistance friends to keep you alive without my intervention, but alas, they've exceeded my expectations_**.”

“Hm, yes, how very _fortunate_ for me,” I scorned.

“ ** _It was unfortunate_** **_for that lightsaber not to strike its intended victim_**.” Her face peered towards Poe. “ ** _You’re lucky this woman continues to show more strength in her abilities than I had foreseen_**.”

He remained muted, even when the energy around him radiated with a bitterness I had rarely felt before.

The look I shot her couldn’t have been more venomous. “What purpose would that have served you? His death?”

“ ** _Come now_** , **_Alexys,_** ” she huffed. “ ** _Asking questions with such obvious answers is a waste of both your time and my own_**.”

“He needs to hear it. He needs to know _exactly_ why your presence has cursed us from the moment you instigated all of this.”

“ ** _Very well_**.” She moved to place herself in front of Poe’s still unmoving figure, showing a callous frown filled with palpable contempt.

“ ** _It’s simple. This woman was never meant to be yours. Your death would have erased this… diversion from her path and kept countless beings alive_**.” Her shielded eyes turned back to me. “ ** _Was that transparent enough for you_**?” 

“Prove it,” Poe murmured, his tone icy. “Prove what you’re saying is true.”

The heat of the hooded woman’s irritation flared. “ ** _I have no desire to prove anything to you_**.”

“Sounds like the excuse of someone who doesn’t have it.”

“ ** _Oh_**!” The woman put a hand to her chest, mockingly offended. “ ** _You think I care for what you believe is true_**?”

I could hear the effort Poe put into making his voice restrained. “You might have tricked Alex into thinking you have good intentions. But I’m not as easy to fool.”

I kicked his shin. “Hey!”

His face turned to me, more stern that I was expecting. “I’m sorry Alex, but you can’t deny how _gullible_ you’ve been.”

I frowned, yet there was no rebuttal waiting on my tongue. He was right. She’d manipulated me, played on my fear, and I'd let her.

“ ** _I did not manipulate you_**,” she cursed, as I scolded myself for forgetting her intrusion into my thoughts. “ ** _I was merely alerting you to the consequences of your choices_**.”

“Oh yeah, that's not the same thing _at all_ ,” Poe scoffed, his confidence beginning to radiate again. “You lied to her, hanging so much death over her head she had no choice but to comply with what you said.”

“ ** _She chose to listen to my guidance, to try and avoid the deaths her actions could_** **_bring about_**.”

“It was _never_ a choice,” I snapped. “How could it be? You said that _millions_ were going to die, that _he_ was going to die. That’s not a choice. It's…”

“Blackmail,” Poe finished for me.

The woman sighed, annoyed. “ ** _There was a reason I wanted this meeting to be a private affair Alexys_**.”

“Because it would be easier to intimidate her then, wouldn’t it?”

“ ** _See what this man thinks of you_**?” the woman sneered, her stare evidently focused on me. “ ** _He thinks you're weak. He has no belief in you, or your strength_**. ** _That’s why he wouldn’t let you come to me alone_**.”

There was a frenzied of pulse of anger that shattered from Poe, his grip latching onto mine, pulling me to face him.

I calmly raised a hand before he could speak. “It’s okay. I can handle this.”

I stepped in the woman’s direction, a serene expression concealing the temper that had continued to build with every word she spoke.

“I _was_ weak,” I declared. “I was naive, gullible, every kind of _stupid_ there is. I allowed you to exploit me through the fear of so much death, the _one thing_ that I can’t allow myself to be a part of. You knew _exactly_ what would illicit the most distress, what could lure me into doing what you wanted. And it worked. I can’t defend that.”

“ ** _It is not something I wish for you to justify_**.” The woman shifted even closer to me, the faintest view of her eyes finally visible from underneath dark shadow. “ ** _It was merely imperative you stayed on the path that was set for you, by any means possible. Your value for life, and this man, was the only tool at my disposal in avoiding the future I’ve seen.”_**

“Tell me what that future is. Tell me why _Kylo Ren_ is meant to be a part of mine.”

“ ** _I can’t do that_**.”

“Why?”

“ ** _That is also something I cannot reveal_**.”

“Because I wouldn’t do it then, would I? You know I wouldn’t follow your path if I knew where it led, why you want me to walk it.”

A thick swell of conflict surged outwards from her silhouette. “ ** _You would. Of that I have no doubt_**.”

“Show me,” I pleaded. “Give me reason to believe the words you say.”

I watched as her head dipped down, seeming almost… _ashamed_. “ ** _I wish I could_**.”

“What’s stopping you?”

“ ** _Things too far beyond your comprehension_**.”

I huffed severely, my frustration boiling over. “You give me _nothing_ , and expect me to give up _everything_?”

“ ** _Him_**?” the woman fumed. “ ** _You think he is this ‘everything’ you speak of_**?”

My stare strained forward, not daring to look at Poe’s face as I answered. “I… want him to be.”

“ ** _You don’t know what you want_**!”

The booming sound of her voice ricocheted through the air as her composure broke, unsettling vibrations humming over every inch of the world that surrounded us. Brown fabric swayed over the dampened ground as the woman turned away in an exasperated flourish, a cold resonance drifting from her shape as she moved.

The silence that soon descended was eerie, calming sounds of babbling water in stark contrast to the scalding hostility swelling between our bodies.

Poe was the one to disturb the lull.

“She's made her choice,” he pronounced, the tone teetering on the edge of threatening. “I think it’s time you learn to accept that fact.”

Her head shot around, the snarl that escaped past her lips almost carnal. “ ** _You dare tell me what I must accept_**?” 

“Your plan failed. It's _over_.”

When my eyes moved to glance at Poe's face, I was mesmerized by the conviction that glinted in his demeanour, so bold, so self-assured. And even as the woman swerved, storming closer, his aura never faltered in its glow of rebellion.

“ ** _Oh, but it’s only just begun_**.”

“You think that's supposed to scare me?” he questioned, chin jutting upwards in contempt. “I see right through your warnings, all these ultimatums you throw around. You use Alex as a pawn because you don’t have any power. You hold no strength. Yet she does, and you want to take it.”

The woman seemed to contemplate Poe's words, an amused smile spreading across her face.

“ ** _Your valour is adorable_** ,” she retorted, her voice unusually upbeat before it lowered once more. “ ** _But I'm growing tired of your nuisance in this discussion_**.”

His arms folded, smirking. “You didn’t deny it.”

“ _Poe_ ,” I cautioned. “I told you not to provoke her.”

The woman’s threatening grin grew wider. “ ** _You ought to listen to her_**.”

He snorted. “Or what? What could you possibly do to me?”

“Poe, seriously. _Don't_.” My hand reached for him, fingers coiling over his rolled up sleeve, trying to impress the significance of my warning.

He patted where I had clutched him, evident he was disregarding my alarm.

_Idiot_.

“ ** _Are you going to allow Alex and I to converse in peace_**?” the woman queried, words cutting with a sharp disdain.

“Stand here silently and listen to you try and exploit her again? Yeah, I don’t think so.”

My fingernails scratched further into the linen, shaking him sternly.

The woman’s displeasure was harsh, the burn of menace that seeped into her voice impossible to ignore. “ ** _If you don’t keep that mouth closed, I will do it for you_**.”

Poe's words came out before I could inform him of the truth in her threat. “Try it. I dare you.”

Her hand rose, palm opened. The stillness was glaring as Poe's face contorted into confusion, becoming increasingly clear he was struggling to move his lips against the woman’s lock. Hands rushed to his face, trying to forcefully break the hold, and the fear in his eyes, the panic I sensed amplify from his shape, made a shooting thrill of terror filter quickly through my body.

His chest began to heave, looking to me in utter desperation, and my eyes widened as I realised what was occurring.

_  
He couldn’t breathe._

“Stop it! Stop it now!” I flared, immediately sinking down beside Poe as he dropped to the earth below, unable to let any air exchange from his lungs.

“ ** _I don’t think he’s learnt his lesson yet_** ,” she sneered, keeping her fingers splayed. My gaze flickered over the tips, somehow beginning to sense a hidden influence flowing from them, the outlines of her Force energy appearing akin to the heat lines that rippled off the ground underneath a searing midday sun.

Poe seized one of my wrists frantically, his eyes beseeching, begging me to do something, _anything_ , take away the burn of oxygen deprivation, a sensation I knew all too well.

When the fury gripped me, I didn’t hinder it. I let the emotion weave inside my bloodstream, a fuel to ignite the spark of strength in my gift, set it alight into a roaring fire that consumed every aspect of my being.

It was obvious now.

This was a trial.

She was _testing_ me. 

Even after realising this certainty, one it seemed she’d stumbled into, there was a potent compulsion that hypnotised me. I wanted to know. I _needed_ to push my limits, to see if there was truly more to this power that shimmered inside of me than I’d ever allowed myself to fathom.

Shackles broke inside my mind, setting it free, feeling the momentum of the Force build to catastrophic heights at the boundary of my fingertips, so powerful, yet controlled, lying in wait for its liberty from the veil of command I held.

With a fluid thrust of my palm, the tendrils burst forward, surging into the space far beyond the confines of my skin, focused directly towards the hooded woman's figure.

The impact was severe, almost violent, her body jolting backwards, feet struggling to maintain balance.

A strangled inhale pierced the silence beside me, Poe's chest expanding to its full capacity once more, gasping through each following breath.

When our eyes connected again, I could see a portion of the panic had subsided, only to be replaced by a frightened disbelief, a question clear in his stare, still unable to articulate the words.

“ ** _Impressive_** ,” the woman said with a proud satisfaction, smoothing her hands over where the invisible stream had struck her. “ ** _Always exceeding my expectations. Just think of what you could achieve with proper tutelage_**.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Poe gasped, scrambling back to his feet.

The woman’s sigh echoed, filled with ire. “ ** _You really don’t learn, do you_**?” Her movement was slow, almost daring me to take action.

It was instinct that pulled me, unseen vines snaking from my palm, reaching out, an extension of my own limb driven into the space between us. I could _feel_ the way it coursed effortlessly through the air before coiling tightly around her wrist.

With a sweeping wave, I wrenched her hand down, soon recognising a growing strain as the woman battled against my hold, tears beginning to sting my eyes as fatigue began to set in. It was moulded into her face too, the struggle to push back against my grasp.

A thought, a blunt awareness suddenly came to me, instantly letting the energy retreat back inside the confines of my body.

“You’ve never needed to use your hands to influence the Force before.”

She smiled, almost playful. “ ** _Ah, good. You remembered_**.”

I groaned, air huffing out my chest. “Then what was the point of all _that_?”

“ ** _You had to start somewhere, no? I thought it would be easier with a visual guide_**.”

“Couldn’t you just, I don’t know, _teach_ me? Show me how to properly wield this… power?”

Her chuckle was infuriating. “ ** _That wouldn’t be any fun now, would it_**?” Before I was able to unleash the cascade of irate curses that waited on my tongue, her voice broke through to interrupt me.

“ ** _Now that you’re attuned to how it feels to execute these abilities, you’ll need to refine them. Hone them into something superior_**.”

I was too intrigued by her statement for my anger to compel me any longer. “But... how?”

“ ** _Same as anything else. Practice, Alexys_**.”

“Here? With the Resistance?”

“ ** _Well, since you’ve made your decision to stay and join their cause, yes. It must be here_**.”

A hand clamped around my elbow, Poe jerking me to face him, features struck with an unyielding disbelief. But there was something else there, in his eyes. He seemed, above all else, _hopeful_.

“You’re _staying_?”

Some of his shock was mirrored in my own expression. “I thought Leia would have told you?”

His hand moved urgently to grip my other arm, pulling me close. “No! She didn’t mention anything about you _joining the Resistance_!”

“Why else would I have endured that High Command meeting? I needed them to accept me, to explain everything so they would let me join the fight. _With you_.”

Words seemed to leave him for an unusually long time, lost in the shock of what I thought he already knew. The brightened glow that billowed around him was more telling of the thoughts swirling behind his eyes, yet I still waited for him to speak, to articulate his opinion of the reality that was so suddenly exposed.

He didn’t verbalise it. Lips were on mine within moments, fingers twisting through my hair, Poe’s kiss rough and desperate. Before I could clutch him closer, to reciprocate what had ignited a smouldering blaze through my insides, we were thrust apart, an explosion of momentum propelling me from his touch.

“ ** _I would appreciate it if you’d abstain from that kind of behaviour in my presence. I don’t need another reminder of how_** ** _doomed this galaxy is_**.”

My heated glare could have burnt holes in her ruddy brown hood. “I’m getting tired of hearing that.”

“ ** _And I’m growing tired of this conversation,_** ” she declared. “ ** _It’s becoming clear this meeting should be reconvened in the future. When we can speak without_** …” She glanced to Poe, lips turned into a venomous frown. “ ** _Bothersome disturbances_**.”

“No!” I snapped. “There’s still so much you need to answer for!”

“ ** _I already know the matter that plagues you amongst all others_**.” Her arms folded, almost smug. “ ** _Flyboy here was correct. That connection with_** ** _him , the one that strikes when your guard is hindered, is indeed all my doing_**.”

As my anger swelled again, there was a buzz that emerged at the ends of my fingertips, charged energy collecting there, waiting.

“You’re not going to stop doing it, are you?”

She wielded a smirk, and fluidly shook her head. “ ** _No_**.”

In the same moment impulse forced my hand up, prepared to unleash another invisible assault towards her shape, her visage began to dissipate, a ghostly smoke evaporating into the atmosphere, quickly dissolving into nothing.

“We’re not done yet!” I hollered into the night sky, storming forward to where her figure had faded from, an exasperated grunt scratching my throat. “Damn it!”

When I turned, my face still taut with frustration, I was slightly startled when I looked to Poe. He was _beaming_.

“How are you smiling right now?” I shot. “Didn’t you hear her? She’s not giving up. She’s going to keep connecting me to _him_.”

Poe strode over to where I stood, oddly calm. “I honestly couldn’t care less.”

“You don’t _care_?”

“No, I don’t. Not right now. _You’re staying_. That’s all I care about.”

My eyebrows creased, wishing, just once, we could be enraged _at the same time_.

“But-”

I didn’t have a chance to voice the rest of my rebuttal.

Poe’s touch snaked around my torso, pressing me hard into his chest as a magnificent kiss enveloped me. A kiss filled with so much vigour and exhilaration that I momentarily lost myself within it. Within him.

It took over almost all of my senses.

Feeling him weave fingers though the base of my hair, the sensation sending sparks through my limbs.

Tasting the delightfully sweetened tang that came as his tongue caressed mine.

Smelling the alluring aroma radiating off his skin, one that was distinctively _him. A_ heady mix of sweat and earth, with a dash of burnt fuel.

Listening to the rasping inhales that peeked through in the disconnections between our lips, occurring only when _absolutely_ necessary.

Yet the sting of anger sliced its way through once more, taunting me, as images of the proceeding scene disturbed my mind’s eye. It was too distracting, the questions that still remained unanswered, the hatred burning for the presence who had the nerve to cause suffering to the man whose kiss was now sending a glimmering current through my blood.   
  


Pulling away, I couldn’t help the confusion that nagged at me. “Why aren’t you as _pissed_ as I am?”

“She really got you heated huh?”

I shot him an obvious look. “Of course! She almost suffocated you Poe!”

“Sorry,” he laughed, his signature low chuckle that made my heartbeat turn erratic. “But that woman is not going to ruin this for me.”

“Ruin what?”

“Knowing you’re joining us. That I don’t have to watch you leave.” A thumb was soon grazing my cheek, smirk widening. “Although there is one good part about seeing you walk away.” His other palm slid down to cup my rear, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Are you kidding me with this right now?” I objected, my voice scolding. “We just experienced _that_ whole mess and you’re suddenly fascinated by my butt?”

“It’s a great butt!”

“Poe!”

The grin he flashed was impossibly charming. “What?”

_Maker, that smile was going to be the death of me_.

“Did you get brain damage from oxygen deprivation or something?”

A defeated sigh left him as his head hung back, jokingly annoyed. Yet his face suddenly snapped to meet mine, a worrying glint of mischief in his eyes.

“That’s it. I think you need to cool off.”

Poe instantly dropped in front of my waist and slinked both his arms around, tightly gripping me before I was hoisted over his shoulder.

The only sound I could yelp out was an alarmed squeal, having to reorientate myself through the blur of such a sudden movement. My legs wriggled pointlessly against his chest as he began to walk with me, my shoes slipping off, closed fists pounding into the tensed muscles of his back.

“Poe Dameron, I swear to the _maker_ if you throw me in that lake-”

“Oh Alex, you threaten me like I’m not going to do it no matter what you say.”

My struggle against his restraining hold was pointless, but it didn’t stop me from trying, eventually catching sight of the flawlessly clear water below as Poe stepped past the edge of the shore.

“Please don’t!” I begged sulkily. “It’s going to be so cold!”

I could sense his smirk without seeing his face. “Don’t worry, I’ll warm you up afterwards.”

My brain was ready to ruminate on that statement, when Poe made the move to effortlessly toss me from where I’d hung over him, my body plunging below the surface, head completely submerged, the depth much greater than I’d been expecting. My limbs flailed for more than a few seconds, gasping for a breath when I resurfaced, sodden clothes weighing heavy on my frame.

Wiping the wettened hair away from my eyes, I locked a damning scowl towards his triumphant expression, and he laughed harder.

“You’re _so_ cute when you’re mad.”

“You’re an _asshole_ ,” I sneered, splashing a smattering of icy water over him.

“Ouch. So harsh.”

My eyes narrowed, a wicked idea coming to mind. “Well? Are you going to join me?”

“I’m not the one who needed to cool down.”

“Suit yourself,” I shrugged, wading further backwards.

Not concerning myself with the buttons of Poe’s shirt, I dragged it over my head in one swift motion, letting it float on the surface while I peeled my trousers off underneath the cover of water. His smile quickly faded, growing captivated by the articles of clothing I’d removed.

I scrunched the saturated fabric together, using whatever effort I could muster into throwing the sodden ball past his form and onto the shore. His head veered to watch it smack into the ground, an eyebrow raised, before his gaze turned to me once more.

No sooner than his eyes had reached mine, I’d already unlocked the clasp of my bra, slinking the straps down my arms, glaring at Poe as I continued to move further away, flinging the thin material away with little care for it sank to the bottom. His tongue glided against his top lip, tantalised, still wordless as my hands sunk below again.

My panties slipped off easily, one finger pulling them above the water to show him, before hurling the tiny bit of cloth directly at his figure.

He caught it instantly within his grasp, and it was difficult not to recoil in surprise at his impressive show of reflex, noting the sly grin he displayed, before he slung the fabric behind him.

My returning smile was pure sin, noting Poe's stare wasn't directed to my face.

“Ready to join me now?”

His reply came in the impatient removal of his clothes, ripping off his shirt in the same manner I had done, barely maintaining his balance as he pulled off his boots and half soaked pants, leaving behind his underwear _for some positively absurd reason_.

“Those too,” I instructed, voice low, eyes tracing over the outline his already hardened erection. “You don’t need them.”

Nodding curtly in agreement, he glided them down unhurriedly, his previous haste replaced by an obvious need to _torment_ me. His movements were maddeningly slow, stepping out of the undergarment with a relaxed poise, before straightening into a standing position.

If it weren’t for the icy chill of water stinging my skin, I would have believed the notion I’d died, that I’d found myself in heaven, and Poe was the one who waited for me there.

He was _perfect_.

An exquisitely sculpted illustration of a man, swathed in taut, battle hardened muscles and delicious sun-kissed skin now bathed in shimmering moonlight. If his aim were to cool my emotions to a lower temperature, he’d unquestionably failed, flames of lust billowing wildly from my centre, scorching me with the most delightful burn. 

Yet that entrancingly handsome face which had haunted my dreams while we were apart, looked to me, mesmerized, like _I_ was the treasure he’d been searching for. He wanted _me_. It was not only clear in his expression, but the twitch in his cock when I silently beckoned him to me, the distance between our bodies starting to cause a physical pain to echo through my limbs.

Poe didn’t keep me waiting, taking a few steps closer before diving in. I watched his figure move fluidly through the water, closer and closer, surfacing right before me with a gasp.

“ _Fuck_! It really _is_ cold!”

“You’ll warm up soon enough,” I purred.

He ran his hands over his hair, slicking it back before moving to grab at my torso, pressing me to his chest.

“You know, I think you’re right.”

His breath was warm, tickling my cheeks as I wrapped myself around him, lips quickly coming together in a fevered clash, tongues rolling over each other in unparalleled urgency. I couldn’t get enough of it, clawing into his flesh, exploring him, relishing the firm muscles underneath my touch as they continued to tense.

Poe's attention was set firmly on my rear, caressing and pinching it with roughened hands, clutching my hips hard into his, grinding his length against me, rumbled groans escaping into my mouth.

The heat of him made me begin to forget about the frosty water that rippled with every action we took, my insides smouldering, the contrasting temperatures somehow heightening the pleasure building below.

Time became an irrelevant construct as we clung together in the stillness of night, enveloping each other in perpetually fierce kisses, feeling tension in the atmosphere around us rise to a barely containable peak.

In a fleeting second, there was an abrupt change in Poe's energy. The signal of a decision made, one I didn’t have time to ponder over before he was dragging me back toward solid ground.

Eventually he found his footing again, holding me up by my thighs, carrying me just past the line of the shore before placing my body tenderly on the dampened earth, his figure hovering above.

There was a moment, one I knew would etch its way into my memories and survive, pure and clear, until the day I left this universe, when Poe just... _looked_ at me.

The surrounding world fell away. There was nothing more I could fathom than his eyes. His darkened, whiskey brown eyes staring into mine, revelling in the scene we'd found ourselves in, committing this image to his own mind, completely transfixed to my gaze.

A hand grazed my cheek and lead me into an impossibly sweet kiss, Poe lightly touching his lips to mine before withdrawing.

There were words waiting on his tongue, it was unmistakable, although there was an apprehension that struck him, as if he didn’t know _how_ to articulate the thoughts simmering inside his head.

I knew exactly how I wanted to.

“I need you. Now. _Please_.”

It was different this time, the way he kissed me, still saturated with a glowing intensity, yet it held more emotion within it than I’d ever sensed before. It was natural, seamless, when he slid himself through my slit, over and over, coating his cock in my wetness, sweeping smoothly over my clitoris, a satisfied hum leaving me as I gripped him closer.

All of sudden he slipped inside, my walls stretching around him, a strangled groan of relief reverberating out his chest. Leaning his forehead onto mine, I noticed a satisfied smile spreading as he remained still.

“ _Fuck_ you feel good.”

“Took the words right out my mouth,” I breathed.

He pulled himself back, gently, only to ruthlessly force his length between me once more, followed with an almost frustrated moan.

“I don’t know how I’m going to get any work done with you here.”

“Well, now you can just find me when you’re feeling… distracted.”

The ensuing kiss was hungered, an excited radiance emanating from his shape, fully grasping this new reality. He began to thrust his hips, keeping his pace measured, sliding in and out with a delectable ease. My gasps turned heated, feeling myself clench around him as he moved, burying my face into his neck, beginning to whimper as bliss started to pulse in my centre.

It was slow, _sensual_ , the way he _fucked_ me. Every action deliberate, never giving in to the impulse that must have screamed at him to push into me harder, quicker.

He wanted to savour every single second. I could sense it in the pleasured groans he let fill the air, the way he littered my jaw with luscious kisses.

He didn’t rush. There was no need to anymore. We both knew that now.

The involuntary hitch in his breath many minutes later is what alerted me to his impending climax, wanting nothing more than to feel his cum spill deep inside me again. Yet I felt his concentration shift, a hand drifting down to swirl at the swollen nub of my clit before I caught his wrist within an unyielding grip.

“W-what are you doing?” he panted. “Don’t you want to _come_?”

My words came out exceedingly breathless as Poe continued to drive himself indulgently between my legs.

“I don’t… want anything… or _anyone_ … tainting this. I just want… _you_. I want you to _fuck_ me until you _come_. That’s… all I want.”

He took my instruction and followed it to the letter. The rhythm of his hips increased, pushing even deeper into my soaked cunt, fingers delving harshly into my hair and pressing his face into mine as he ravenously chased his release. I could feel my own building, but I didn’t care. My thoughts were centred only on how Poe was claiming me as his own, defiling me in the best way imaginable, already eager for the future in which he would take me like this, _again_ and _again_.

“O-oh… Oh _fuck_. I’m _coming_ Alex. I’m _coming_. I’m going to _fucking_ fill you...”

I held him tighter as staggered thrusts were shoved into me, an intoxicating stream of ecstasy flowing from his skin and dissolving into my flesh, feeling his orgasm as potently as I would my own.

It took him more than a few moments to catch his breath, squeezing me in a passionate embrace before slinking off my shape, slumping into the ground at my side.

Peace. 

That was all that encompassed my mind as I gazed into the moonlit sky, softly entwining my fingers between Poe’s.

Both us of remained wordless through huffs of gratification, as I endeavoured to capture every fragment of this moment, in the hope I would be able to evoke the memory just as I felt it, right now, for eternity. 


	33. Imagination

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one:  
> Literally nobody:  
> Not single soul:  
> Me: Hey here's a mini chapter in Kylo's POV that absolutely no one asked for, is significantly more explicit than any other chapter and comes directly after a nice fluffy scene. *peace sign*
> 
> Seriously, I have no idea where in the depths of this trash can brain this came from. But here it is. And I've NEVER been nervous to publish a chapter before. But I am SHAKING as I'm about to post this. 
> 
> IMPORTANT NOTE  
> I've also never labelled a chapter with warnings before because I'm not one to spoil things, but I think this one needs it so -
> 
> WARNING - This chapter contains physical violence of a sexual nature and verbal degradation.  
> Okay? It gets harsh. But it's still consented to. Kind of. That's hard to explain. Anyway...
> 
> There's not too much plot, SO if you feel you can't handle it, look for the asterisk (*). There is one at the start of the more dangerous territory and another when it's safe to continue. 
> 
> So yeah. Here goes.

I wish I hadn’t missed.

I wish I’d severed his head from his body, a mere corpse to leave behind, his existence completely erased from this galaxy, _never_ _to lay a single finger on her again_.

My eyes scanned over the obliterated remains of my new quarters, embers still sparking erratically throughout the room, a familiar smell of burnt fabric and melted durasteel wafting through the space.

It wasn’t _just_ the thought of _him_ laying with her, taking what I'd demanded to be mine, that brought my wrath into the physical realm. Not entirely.

I should have sensed it. I should have known.

_How could I have been so blind?_

Keeping me out, shielding her thoughts, concealing her Force energy. It was never the Jedi. It was all her.

She was strong. So much stronger than I’d believed anyone could be. Guarding herself against even _my_ power. Power that ran through my blood, power I had sculpted and trained, fought and bled for, power I had _killed for_.

Lying effortlessly. A true master of deception, even under the duress of her chaotic emotions. I was sure I'd never witnessed such cunning and artful manipulation in my lifetime.

_It made me want her more._

And when the walls around her had fleetingly crumbled to nothing, in the moments she became completely and utterly vulnerable, I’d finally been free to search through the depths of that devious mind.

I'd seen it. Felt it so harshly the realisation could have charred my skin.

She had begun to want me in return.

It was this piece of knowledge that enraged me most of all. It was there, clear, _unquestionable_ , and she kept pushing it away. Denying what she knew to be true.

Because of _him_.

A lone, wooden chair became the next target of my frenzy, striking my palm forward to collect its leg with unseen ropes, tossing it mercilessly against the transparisteel, a guttural roar ripping from deep in my chest.

The shattering impact didn’t calm me like I wanted it to. None of this unrestrained destruction did. Nothing ever would again until I found her.

It had been _grief_ , uncontrollable and severe, that dictated every action, every thought, over the preceding day cycles after she was taken. Her death at my hands, my caustic loathing for the life she considered worth giving her own for, it had ignited such an _irrepressible_ need for bloodshed. This planet never stood a chance.

And where was the need to hold my assault back if she wasn’t alive to witness my restraint? To show I wasn’t the monstrosity she thought me to be?

I was. I knew that. Now more than ever.

Yet sifting through her memories brought a stark reminder of how she’d begun to see past the cruel exterior, somehow observe the broken man that lay deep inside and consider, even fleetingly, that he was someone she could feel her heart yearning for.

And, somewhere out there, her heart was still beating.

Nothing had ever given such a sudden rush of euphoria than the moment her consciousness had reached out to me, her energy glittering with a magnificent flash of light.

But every cascade of relief and comfort in discovering she had remained in this galaxy was stolen with the comprehension of how I'd come to know this reality.

She was with _him_ , letting his hands touch her, the smoothness of her naked skin, causing her pleasure, giving him the whimpers and sighs that haunted me with increasing ferocity as the days passed.

_Oh, the truly depraved things I would do to hear them now._

My mind was ripping at the seams, both fury and craving locking me in their strangling clutches and pulling, remorselessly. It appeared freedom from the blaze of emotions that were corroding my insides wouldn’t come from forceful demolition of the world around me.

I _needed_ release. And she would give it to me. At least, the image of her that was embedded deep within.

My breaths were ragged, heavy, storming through the entryway of my bedroom and sinking quickly at the edge of the mattress, setting my back into the sheets, impatiently pulling my almost _painful_ erection from the confines of my pants.

Muscles tensed, only to relax seconds later as I started to stroke the length of it, my grip viciously tight, a rasping sigh already escaping my throat.

It would _never_ be the same, my own touch, compared to her delicate fingers decadently slipping up and down, but it was all I had. Just my hand, and the memory of her.

I took a trembling inhale, and let my imagination take control.

*

“Supreme Leader,” Alexys purred.

There she was, a vision of exposed, porcelain skin, completely bare for me, kneeling so politely in front my sitting figure, palms placed gently on top of her thighs.

With a sinful smile, she spoke the only words I wanted to hear.

“Tell me what you want.”

I stood, grabbing a fistful of her copper hair, tilting her face upwards, pulling the strands mercilessly.

“I want to take you. _Use you_. However I desire. No matter the pain. Understood?”

She nodded within my grasp, hazel irises glittering with anticipation. “Yes _master_.”

My cock twitched, barely an inch from her soft, pink lips, unable to prevent the roughened groan that rumbled out. Clenching my fist harder, I saw her wince ever so slightly from the sting of my cruel hold.

“Open.”

Alex did so willingly, as I immediately drove my cock into her mouth, right to the hilt, relishing the reflexive whimper as it vibrated over my flesh.

“Suck,” I ordered, our stares still locked. “Don’t you _dare_ close your eyes.”

Again, she obeyed my instruction, gazing up at me, her tongue gliding across the underside of my shaft before sucking, gently, pulling back gradually, only to take me wholly once more.

“Good girl,” I breathed, my voice low, watching intently as she repeated the action, filling her mouth with as much of me as she could handle, over and over, pupils never straying from mine.

_It was something I recalled with ease, how **good** she was at this_.

My clasp on her hair never relented, listening to the discreet breaths she drew through her nose as she swallowed every part of my length. I needed to hear _more_.

“Stop,” I commanded. “Stay still.”

I began to rock into her, slowly at first, soon filling her mouth entirely, feeling my tip press into the back of her throat. There was a whine that seeped out as her eyes widened, the flare of panic within them spiking a burst of pleasure in my lower abdomen.

“Don’t you _fucking_ move.”

My other hand latched into the loose strands falling over her temple, seizing them in between my fingers and tugging coarsely as I continued to thrust more fiercely, _fucking_ her mouth, causing a torrent of helpless whimpers, her nails suddenly digging into the fabric laying over my calves.

“Did I say you could touch me?” My tone was scorching, pulling my cock entirely from her lips, glaring down at the exquisite woman on her knees before me, with only one single impulse filling my thoughts.

A fist released itself, the back of my hand striking her cheek.

There was a startled hiss, followed by her sweetened voice. “Is that all you’ve got?”

My palm collided with her face, harder this time, the sharp echo of my blow filling the space. “You’ll never stop talking back to me, will you?”

A staggered exhale left her, noticing the reddened mark already forming over her cheekbone. “Never.”

I snarled. “Fine. I’ll shut you up myself.”

Dipping down, I curled my fingers around Alex’s throat and hauled her to my eye level, squeezing down on the windpipe, making her gasp a stifled breath. The terrified look she returned left me unbalanced for several passing seconds, before a wicked smirk curled her lips.

“ _Ah_. You like the pain, don’t you?”

The reply was strangled, yet her stare could have ignited my climax in that instant. “ _Yes master_.”

_Hunger_ consumed me.

My movements were fluid, deliberate, twisting her lithe body around and forcing her down, face first into the mattress. I could have taken her right then, slipped inside and _fucked_ her with little care for anything other than release, but no, there was something else that devoured every fragment of my attention.

I sunk to the ground, hands caressing the luxuriously smooth skin of her rear, trailing my eyes over the heaven that was her swollen, wet cunt.

An indulgent growl left me. “Look at this _pretty_ pussy. _Dripping_ for me.”

My thumb glided upwards, slowly, through the soaked folds, Alex gently writhing with a muffled sigh as I continued the slippery motion, up and down, lingering briefly over her clitoris, rubbing delicately over the nub.

The elegant moan she made caused my throat to grow tight.

“So needy. Aren’t you Alex? You _need_ my touch.”

Her face shifted to speak unrestrained by the sheets below. “ _Yes_ , Supreme Leader. I _need_ it.”

_You’ll have it. When I find you. When you’re **mine** again._

There was the softest squeal when I plunged my thumb inside, gritting my teeth at the realisation that even _this_ felt impossibly tight. Pumping inside her, relishing the smoothness of her walls, feeling her grow even more slick, I suddenly pulled the digit away and wrapped my lips over it, sweeping my tongue to clean her essence completely from the skin.

_I could taste it on my tongue. Even as a memory, it was the purest, sweetest flavour I had ever come to know._

Fingers parted her folds at either side, opening her slit as I leaned forward and began to ravenously lick and suck at her pulsing entrance, spiralling around its edge before slipping my tongue inside.

She jerked forward, whining in bliss, fingers clutching desperately into the fabric of my comforter.

While the sound made my cock throb eagerly, the disconnection left me _furious_.

My palm smacked mercilessly into the flesh of her ass, unquestionably cruel in its intent.

“I told you not to _fucking_ move.”

Her resulting exhale was pained, deliciously so, holding down the cry I was certain waited in her chest. Yet her form locked, complying instantly with my threat.

The image of her delectable, pink pussy was too tempting to resist, diving into the slippery flesh hungrily, lapping the new juices that had leaked as a result of my strike.

_I **knew** she liked pain. I **fucking** knew it._

My tongue concentrated its movement on the sensitive bud of her arousal, noting quickly the way her legs soon began to twitch and tremble, completely involuntary, moaning louder, more desperately.

“Oh... _yes_ … Supreme Leader… yes! Just like that…”

It was automatic, entirely out of the realm of my control, rising to my feet, only to bend over her shape and clutch at her hair, ripping her upwards to stand with her spine flush against my chest, my lips at her ear.

“It’s better, isn’t it Alex? _My_ mouth on you. _My_ tongue. It’s better than _him_.”

“Yes!” she answered promptly, almost breathless from the sting of my hold. “It’s… _so_ much better. You’d make me _come_ _so much harder_.”

The thought was beyond tantalising, causing me to glide my length indulgently between the supple curves of her ass. But an uninhibited temper still simmered to the surface.

“You think you deserve that?” I seethed, shoving her down into the sheets, forcing her head roughly into the mattress, the pressure severe enough for a dampened cry to slip from her lips. “You think you get to _come_ after what you did? Openly disobeying my command?”

“N-no,” she whimpered. “I’m sorry! I-it won’t happen again!”

Nostrils flared, an angered grunt rumbling out. “It will. You can’t help yourself. _Fucking_ _whore._ ”

_A term I’d never speak in her presence. But in my mind, that’s what she was. My filthy whore._

My fingers fell down to coil at her throat, shifting my stance to angle my pulsing erection through her slit, gliding purposefully over the entrance, teasing her, covering me wholly in her warm slick.

“You thought of me? Huh Alex? Thought of me even when _he_ was making you _come_?”

She wasn’t able to hide the delight in her groan. “Yes, _master_. I thought of you.”

“You’ll think of me again, the next time, won’t you?”

A pleasured whine was her agreement.

“You’ll imagine me splitting this cunt in two? Like I’m going to now?”

“Yes!” she wailed. “Yes Kylo!”

I stilled, breaths heavy, squeezing sternly around her neck, fingernails digging into the skin.

_I’d let my imagination run away into dangerous territory._

“You don’t get to call me that here.”

Her choking gasps only made my cock throb even harsher against her, the agony in her inhale still followed by a clenching sensation against it.

Hunger was eating me alive, clawing at my insides, instinct roaring at me to finally take what belonged to me. But there was something more I needed.

“Beg me for it Alex. Beg me to _fuck_ you.”

Releasing my suffocating grip on her throat, she immediately sucked in a desperate gulp of air, the words tumbling out strained and breathless.

“ _Please_ … Please, master... Please _fuck_ me... I _need_ it… I need your cock… I need _you_.”

_The echo of her words inside my head was overwhelming, the pace of my strokes relentless over my firm shaft, a shattering climax already building down below._

Restraint dissolved in but a moment, pushing myself between her open legs in one smooth motion. Hot, slippery walls stretched around me as I filled her, entirely, my relieved groan reverberating into the atmosphere.

Her resulting wail was a piercing mixture of pleasure and pain, feeling the unforgiving constriction around my cock, knowing the burn it would have caused. And I wanted it to hurt _more_.

My hips slammed violently into her, over and over, driving the full length into her impossibly wet pussy, holding my own moans within my chest only so I could hear the weakened cries of ecstasy she made with perfect clarity. 

I didn’t relent, not even slightly, _fucking_ her ruthlessly, the flesh of her rear bouncing with every thrust, utterly mesmerising. Eventually I collected her arms and held them across her lower back, her body wholly at my mercy, pulling her torso upwards to drive into her cunt harder, _deeper_ , her moans turning to feeble sobs.

_An involuntary spasm rippled over my muscles, stuttering through an exhale. I was so close._

_No. Not yet. One more thing. Just **one** more thing._

Withdrawing, I quickly spun Alex’s body, her expression wonderfully confused as I ushered her onto the bed once more, wasting no time in slipping myself back within her slit, only to pause my movement.

My shaking hand drifted to her cheek, studying every portion of the enchanting face that stared back at me.

_It was effortless. Recalling every detail. The green streaks within her honeyed irises. The shape of her freckled nose. The softly curved line of her jaw. The flush of pink in her cheeks. The gentle contours of her lips._

“Kiss me,” she whispered.

So I did.

Softly at first, yet soon my mouth was slanting on hers fervently, a concealed passion rising from the pit of my stomach, kissing her with a profound sincerity I didn’t know existed within me.

*

And I came undone, instantly, a potent wave of bliss pouring through my veins, an impassioned shout leaving me as my cock pulsed strongly within my grasp, white threads of cum shooting from the tip and onto my bared abdomen.

I groaned through the aftershocks of my orgasm, clenching my fist around the base of my shaft, milking the rest of my release, thinking only of her.

Our kiss. My lips bonded with hers. It was that alone which had sent me over the edge.

I would leave this entire galaxy in ruins, just for that kiss.


	34. Affinity

It was Finn who caught our attempted stealthy return into the Resistance base.

“There you are! I’ve been looking all over-” He cocked his head, eyes scanning down our figures as I ripped my hand from Poe’s grip, attempting to coolly cover my bra-less chest that remained annoyingly obvious underneath his still dampened shirt. “Uh, why are you wet?”

Poe struggled to keep his expression passive, the whispers of a smirk tugging at his lips. “It’s a long story.”

Finn raised a provocative eyebrow. “So… you two made up then?”

“In the best way.”

“Poe!” The following whack I swatted into his chest only made his grin break free.

“What?” he laughed, his stare flickering over my torso before I crossed my arms over once more. “Look at us. There’s not really a way we can hide it.”

I frowned, slightly petulant. “Would have been able to if you didn’t toss me into that lake.”

Poe leaned in, his maddeningly charming smile causing my heart to quiver through a beat. “I wholeheartedly stand by that decision.”

“Lake? What lake?” Finn questioned, disturbing the charged moment. “And why were you even out there in the first place?”

Poe sighed, draping his arm over my shoulder, beginning to usher me past Finn’s form. “Like I said, long story. One that can wait until we’ve changed into some dry clothes.”

Finn watched us, dumbfounded, as we slunk away. “Hey man! You can’t just leave me with no explanation!”

“Don’t worry, you’ll get the story,” Poe called back, before his voice became hushed. “Not the full one, though.” I looked to his face, already beaming down at me as we walked towards the hangar. “That one’s just for us.”

I couldn’t stop the blush that settled into my cheeks, a radiating warmth of contentment still lingering beyond the moments we’d spent entwined under moonlight, even amid the unsettling trek back through the jungle.

It was a delirious kind of serenity, barely feeling the cold touch my skin with Poe’s embrace circling around my torso as we walked, clutching me closely into his chest. Yet the chill was clearly evident in the shiver that caused my body to vibrate incessantly, teeth already chattering as we made it into the currently unoccupied living quarters.

He exited our hold on reaching my lonely little cot, turning me to face him, noting the peaceful smile he wore that I knew would be mirrored in my own expression “I’ll meet you at the mess area after getting changed, alright?”

“Sure.” There was a soft chuckle that left me as I moved to rummage through my scarce supply of clothing. “Good thing the Resistance gave me a second set of undergarments. I don’t think I’ll ever see that bra again.”

“ _Damn_ ,” Poe cursed, a playful scowl setting in his features. “Of all the things we haven’t run out of yet.”

I rolled my eyes. “Now wouldn’t that be a vision of professionalism. Strutting around this base _braless_.”

Poe snorted. “I mean, I definitely wouldn’t be complaining.”

“Oh yeah? You’d be perfectly fine with the people here being able to ogle at my chest?”

He immediately turned thoughtful, eyes narrowing. “On second thought, I might instruct the supply team to track down some extra stocks of undergarments. Just in case.”

I snickered. “Well it's not like I’m going to be losing my bra into the depths of lake again, so I think it'll be okay.”

“Maybe not a lake.” Poe snaked his hands around my waist, pulling me close again. “Who knows where you'll throw it the next time you try and seduce me.”

“I did not _seduce_ you,” I scoffed, while trying not to smirk at his impossibly handsome grin.

“What would you call it then?”

“Revenge, of course.” I watched as Poe’s eyebrows crinkled together. “I don’t have the brute strength to throw you in, but I was getting you into that water with me one way or another.”

“I’ll admit it was an effective strategy.” His face dipped closer to mine, warm breath bristling into my cheeks. “Although, to be honest, all you had to do is smile at me like you did, and I would have been done for.”

There was subtle heat that tickled my skin, my heartbeat dancing a new rhythm. “You mean I lost that bra for nothing?”

“Oh no, definitely not.”

Poe’s hand curled around my neck, pulling me into a lavish kiss, so smooth and enthralling, my body momentarily forgetting the stinging chill that had seeped into my bones. Soon, his palm slipped down fondle at my breast, able to feel the heat of his touch clearly through the thin fabric, a gentle sigh leaving me as his thumb skimmed over the hardened nipple.

He caught the petulant scowl that quickly formed on my lips when he pulled his face away.

“You’re _insatiable_ ,” he murmured, a fingertip circling lusciously over the nub.

I couldn’t help but bite my lip, the motion causing a glittering current to extend to my limbs. “With all that time apart, there’s a lot we need to make up for.”

Poe hummed in agreement, the hushed sound impossibly tantalising. “Don’t worry, we will. _Quickly_.”

“And you call me insatiable,” I scorned, still with a wicked smirk. “I mean, I wouldn’t want to be a distraction for you here. Maybe I shouldn’t stay…”

“You wouldn’t dare,” he growled.

“You’re a very important man, _Commander_. I would hate to keep you from your invaluable work.”

It wasn’t difficult to see how harshly his jaw tensed, a heavy exhale gradually rustling from his chest. Yet, as I kept my stare locked into place with his, I noticed the hungered expression he wore melt away into something more… tender.

In the next moment I was pressed to his chest within a strong embrace, a hand resting on the back of my head, words wafting into my hair as he spoke them.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Staying.”

There were a few beats of silence I allowed to drift past, unsure if I wanted to say what was waiting on my tongue.

“It’s… not just for you.”

“I know.” He squeezed me tighter. “It doesn’t make me any less grateful.”

I encircled my arms completely around his back, nestling myself into the crook of his neck, savouring the passing moments in muted quiet, feeling the soothing rise and fall of his chest against me.

I truly didn’t know what the future brought with it anymore, what ravages being a part of this war would cast over my life, but somehow, in this embrace, I didn’t care. If picking a side, if diving headfirst into the conflict I’d spent my life shrinking away from kept me here, in his arms, I was more than ready join the fight he’d devoted every facet of his life to.

With a soft kiss into my hair, Poe let his hold relinquish. “Come on. Get those fresh clothes on. Rations are waiting.”

“Hooray,” I grumbled.

He laughed softly before nodding in agreement to my complaint. “It’s not as good as your cooking on Raxus, no, but it does the job.”

“You liked my cooking?” I peeped, eyes sparkling.

“Did I not tell you that? Jeez, what terrible guest I was.”

“You were a _patient_ , not a guest, _laser-brain_.” I poked him in the arm. “Remember? Big crash? Broken bones? A fountain of blood?”

“Funnily enough, I don’t remember that bit,” he pointed out. “Because, and I’m not sure if you would know this, but losing a lot of blood can cause people to lose consciousness.”

I shoved him backwards as Poe snickered at my grouchy expression. “Oh _ha ha_ , you’re so _very_ funny. How about you actually leave so I can get changed?”

“Alright, okay,” he conceded, stepping away in mocking surrender before turning to the caves exit.

“Don’t forget the bra!” he called as his footsteps echoed from further away. “Wouldn’t want you to look _unprofessional_!”

Shaking my head as his figure disappeared past my line of sight, it struck me how much I’d _missed_ this. Missed _him_. Somehow, seemingly without any effort, he made things lighter, easier, a luminous glow spilling from my chest whenever we bantered so naturally. I never realised how badly I needed it, to have someone help lift the weight of the universe off my shoulders that had seemed to drag me down for as long as I could remember.

*

With dry clothes in hand, I moved to the privacy screens set further within the caved quarters, one of the few areas of concealment that this base afforded, and enclosed myself in the darkened space.

When peeling the still damp material down my legs, I began to notice the faintest thrill stir from deep in my chest, slowly spreading through my limbs, a subtle heat soaking into my skin as the seconds passed.

The bizarre sensation refused to subside as I rid myself of Poe's shirt, heaping all of my focus on the actions of setting myself into a fresh ensemble. I assumed it was my body reacting to the endless changing temperatures I'd endured over the evening, paying it little mind as I shimmied into a new set of trousers.

It was when I’d fastened the last of my shirt buttons that my heartbeat inexplicably increased to a fevered pace. Blisteringly fast. And loud. Thumping in my ears, taking over my senses.

Down below, in the depths of my core, I felt it pulse.

_Pleasure_.

Powerful, all-encompassing, seizing away my chance for the breath that might have cleared my head.

I trembled as another throb echoed from between my legs, leaning against the jagged rocks, fearing I would lose my footing at any moment.

Another wave of bliss pounded through my insides. _Hard_.

My teeth sunk brutally into my bottom lip, biting back the whimper that demanded to be set free from my chest.

This wasn’t a novel experience.

I knew.

I knew what was happening.

_Him_.

As soon as that understanding embedded itself with my psyche, the connection clawed it’s talons into my flesh, his thoughts bound to mine, locked within an affinity I was too clouded with rapture to break.

Images flashed.

Of me.

Of him.

Using me.

Pleasuring him.

Teasing me.

Disobeying him.

Punishing me.

Begging him.

 _Fucking_ me.

And through it all. Pain.

Such _delicious_ pain.

He was so enraged. So irrevocably burned by my rejection.

No.

_My denial_.

Yet before my own fury could rise at the scathing reality I so desperately wished to resist, all remnants of resentful thought fell away, evaporating into a mist of turmoil and... longing.

I waited. Capturing the breaths I’d been forced to impede. Attempting to conjure all the energy I could collect into purging his presence from my mind.

Then...

A kiss.

So pure and honest, feeling it touch my lips, the sensation in such stark contrast to the scene I’d just experienced.

Gentle, almost kind, filling my entire system with a glimmer of ardour that was immediately familiar, one I thought could only be recalled when his skin bonded with mine.

Although, the kiss swiftly turned severe, saturated with such furious desperation, overflowing with passionate emotion.

Suddenly, his peak was reached, the tension in his energy shattering into millions of tiny, iridescent shards that pierced every part of my shuddering body.

Potent ripples of ecstasy washed through my blood as my nails scratched into the stony walls, the sound of his moan immediately setting my whole body on fire. I was forced to clutch at my own throat to smother any incriminating noises, my head filled with visions of white, hot cum spilling from him, low ragged breaths echoing in my ear.

Tears soon welled in my eyes as I _struggled_ through the pain throbbing below.

I was sure I’d never needed it so ferociously, _release_ , my thighs tensing together at a pathetic attempt at friction.

Finally, his consciousness grasped at the realisation that our thoughts had become one.

“ _Do it. Come undone for me_.”

His voice was soft, entreating. Movement was fleetingly out of my own control, fingers skimming down my tensed abdomen. Mercifully, sensible awareness returned as I brushed against the border of my pants.

_No. I won’t. Not for you._

_“You need it. Give in.”_

My hand balled into a tight fist, teeth grinding together as another pulse simmered outwards.

_I’m not giving in to you._

“ _Remember the War Room. Remember the way I made you feel. The way I made you **come**._”

There was simply no way to halt it, the memories surging through, staining me with their exquisite shade of smouldering red pleasure. It snatched away all of my focus, recollections of his hands, his fingers, his mouth, his tongue, all of him, flooding every perception.

It was agony, the finest line of exquisite lust and violent pain splitting me down the middle.

I was helpless. Still somehow his slave.

_Please. Stop. **Please** Kylo_. _I’m **begging** you._

It was instant, the way the energy streaming between us shifted, tainted with an unmistakable shame, weighing heavy on my shape, the emotion causing me to sink to the floor.

“ _It’s all I have of you_.”

My chest ached at the soft tenor of his voice.

“ _Let go. Let yourself feel it. Let me feel it with you_. _Please_.”

It was mesmirising, the way in which he spoke the words, binding me to my impulses, compelling me to do what I knew in my heart was wrong.

A quivering hand slipped past the boundary of my trousers, throat tight, fingertips crawling over my fresh panties, damning evidence of my desire evident in the moistened fabric. But with one motion over my arousal, I stilled.

_I can’t. I can’t do this to him._

_“He doesn’t need to know. Give in. Give in to what your body is telling you.”_

He was right, in the worst way. Every cell was begging, pleading, for something to take away the incessant pounding that continued to thrash within.

The last thread in the fraying command I had over myself was about to snap when a voice, a real voice, called to me, its sweetened, feminine pitch bouncing off the walls.

“Alex? Are you in here?”

The connection was instantaneously cut when my focus was pulled, as I scrambled to my feet, insides still smouldering, my legs stinging as I strained to place them into an upright position. I swallowed hard, gulping in a calming breath before stepping past the screens to discover who had thankfully saved me from myself.

“Over here,” I returned, peering up to see Rose Tico’s wondering expression stare at me as she scuttled towards my figure.

“Sorry to disturb you, Poe did say you’d be getting changed-” She paused as her eyes scanned my face. “Are you alright? You look… flushed.”

I forced my lips to curve upwards, nodding softly. “Fine. I’m just fine.”

“Are you sure? You don’t look fine.”

“Still recovering,” I assured. “It’s been a tiring day.”

Her expression turned sympathetic, a kind radiance settling into her eyes. “I know. It’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about, away from the rest of the fleet.”

“Okay…” I said timidly, recalling her outrage during that mess of a High Command meeting.

“I wanted to apologise. For what I said. For judging you so quickly. I’ve been thinking it over, everything you told us. It wasn’t fair to criticize the decisions you’ve made. I think… It’s really admirable that you value life so highly and that… you went with what your heart wanted.”

My face remained blank as I struggled to contemplate her words in the swirl of chaos still lingering in my mind. Yet, somehow, as my eyes fixated on the delicate shade of brown in her irises, all of it seemed to just… leave.

My arms were then wrapped around her small shape, a few errant tears leaking down my face.

“Thank you. Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that.”

I couldn’t help the sniffles that escaped, squeezing her tightly, forgetting it was a stranger I was clinging to.

A hand patted my back cautiously, obviously stunned, before Rose reciprocated my hold.

“Hey,” she soothed. “It’s alright. You’ve been through a lot. We all know that.”

I exhaled hard as I slipped myself from the embrace. “I’m still going through it Rose. It’s not over yet. And…” My inhale was fragile, shaky. “I don’t know how long I can keep going like this.”

Dainty eyebrows pulled together, concerned. “What do you mean?”

“I can’t… There’s just too much to explain. And right now, I just want to _not_ talk about it, or even think about it.”

“I know that feeling,” she remarked, attempting a consoling smile. “This war consumes every _second_ of my waking day. I get what it feels like to need a break from it all, even just for a little while.”

“Do you ever get them? Breaks, I mean?”

She nodded. “Come with me to the mess area. I’ll show you.”

A petite set of fingers curled around mine, Rose beginning to pull me along with her out of the quarters, past the cave entrance and into jungle canopy, weaving through the workstations and supply crates that littered the ground. Eventually we reached our destination, a crude attempt at temporary mess hall with a selection of mis-matching tables and benches all huddled together, now overflowing with the bodies and voices of what seemed like the entire Resistance fleet.

And surprisingly, the atmosphere seemed… jovial. Alight with a palpable buoyancy I hadn’t felt since… I wasn’t really sure I’d ever felt this type of cheerful aura before.

Rose noticed my wary reaction.

“We take the moments of rest when we can and just… enjoy them with each other, you know? Take each day as it comes.”

I looked to her reassuring expression, so sincere and genuine, and nodded.

Her hand squeezed mine firmly before slipping away. “I’m never far away if you do want to talk.”

My eyes fell, already knowing I probably wouldn’t take her up on that offer. “Thank you. I’ll remember that.”

It was a distinct laugh that caught my attention, my gaze flickering to where Poe sat in-between the rabble of flight crew and engineers, his face bright with such a carefree grin I found myself momentarily lost within it.

His gaze soon became magnetised to mine, quickly noticing where I stood beyond the periphery of the assembly. And in that second, in the midst of an explosion of differing energies clouding the space, he was all I could see, all I could feel, his beaming smile capturing every single piece of my awareness.

He beckoned to me, his eyes darting to the empty space I could see at his side, calling me to it. I could feel the stares on me as I moved, my heart beating recklessly fast as I made my way over to him, keeping myself focused on his face to push through the anxiety sparking endless ricochets of unease with each step.

But they fizzled out to nothing when his arm snaked around my waist as I sat down, drawing my body close to his, caring extremely little for how confusing this might have looked to the people around us.

“Stop looking so nervous,” he whispered into my ear. “I’ve explained everything.”

“ _Everything_?”

He chuckled at my startled expression. “Okay, not _everything_. But enough for you not to keep that worried look on your face.”

“I can’t help it.” My mind raced back, my chest tightening at the thought of what had almost happened in the quarters.

“I know.” A palm rested on top of my thigh, grazing it gently.

_I had to tell him._

_But… not right now._

With a deepened breath, I forced every muscle to relax, fitting myself into the contours of his embrace, once again savouring the soothing warmth that always seemed to radiate from his form.

“So Alex, tell us,” a voice perked, one of Poe’s Black Squadron crew examining me eagerly. “How’d you manage to keep this guy alive after that crash?”

*

Conversation ran late into the night, my shyness gradually disappearing, sinking into a steady rhythm of discussion with people around me.

It was when a yawn struck me, the third in a matter of minutes, that Poe turned my face to his.

“Come on, you need sleep,” he murmured.

“I’m okay, really,” I resisted, not wanting to leave behind what had been one of the most enjoyable evenings I’d ever lived through.

A yawn overwhelmed him. “Let me rephrase. _I_ need sleep.”

My eyebrow raised. “Oh dear. Did something tire you out?”

“ _Someone_ did, yes,” he breathed. “And she’ll need all the sleep she can get before that reconvened High Command meeting tomorrow morning.”

I groaned under my breath, screwing up my face. “… Fine.”

We waved our goodbyes, walking hand in hand towards the _Tantive IV_ , a contented silence exchanging between us before Poe spoke.

“They like you. I can tell.”

“I like them too,” I breathed. “It’s so nice just to be myself around other people for once. To not have to _hide_ anything.”

A cold reminder pierced me.

“What’s wrong?” Poe probed, immediately sensing the shift in my mood.

_No. Not yet._

“Nothing a good night’s sleep won’t fix,” I assured him as we came to the ramp of the ship, stopping just at its edge. “See you in the morning?”

“What? Where do you think you’re going?”

“My cot?”

Poe had never appeared so baffled. “Like _hell_ you are.”

He pulled me with him, only slightly less forceful than the last time I'd been dragged into this ship, yet this time his energy was more calmed, subdued, as we entered back into his quarters.

He scooped my face into his palms. “You think after all those nights I’ve had to spend in this bed, without you, I’m going to let that happen now?”

I beamed back at him, before another yawn overtook me.

Poe chuckled, motioning his head towards the bed and releasing me, beginning to shed himself of his clothes.

I followed suit, fumbling through my buttons, barely able to keep my focus on anything other than Poe's bare skin exposed to me once more. But when the realisation came that it was about to be pressed against me again, my actions became more hurried.

I was about to slip under the covers Poe had sheltered into when his teasing voice piped up. 

“You don’t need to look professional in here.” His stare drifted purposefully to the bra still covering my chest.

I stifled a smirk. “You’re still my Commander, aren’t you? I thought I should try to maintain some sense of protocol.”

His expression turned searing. “Protocol can _fuck_ off.”

I didn’t have time for a witty retort before he sat up to grip at my arm, pulling me onto the mattress with a startled squeak. Pinning me down with his lower body, his lips met mine hungrily, feeling fingers creep up my back to the bra clasp, this time being able to twist the fastening apart with little difficulty.

As he glided the straps free from my arms, my smile glowing up at him, that look was there again. The same look he’d had at the lakeside. _Something_ waited behind his lips, his breathing slow and cautious.

“What is it?” I whispered.

He seemed put off balance by my question, like for those seconds he was so drowned in his own thoughts that reality had faded away.

Poe swallowed hard, his face still serious. “I… I just…”

But the words floated away, instead sliding his body down next to me, hands gently tugging, guiding my body to lay against his, my face resting on his chest. As his arms draped themselves around my torso, he exhaled hard.

“I’m just glad you’re staying.”

That wasn’t what he wanted to say. I knew that. But I didn’t mind. Not when I could feel the faint thrum of his heartbeat against my ear.

“Me too.”

*

It had been so long since I’d endured a dreamless slumber that when my lids fluttered open to a new morning, I was slightly suspicious I’d slept at all. Yet, as my consciousness rose into existence again, there was a noticeable serenity that was held within it, one that only came with adequate rest.

I would have allowed myself more of it, taken these quiet moments and savoured the tranquil state of my mind, but Poe stirred beside me, groggily shifting himself over and clutching my body tightly.

He nuzzled into the back of my hair, a deep inhale filling his chest before his hips smoothly pushed his firm erection into my rear.

“Well good morning to you too,” I said breathily.

I felt Poe grin behind me, a gravelly chuckle rustling past my neck as lips brushed against the skin.

“Remember that one morning on Raxus? After we shared your bed?”

“Of course.”

“Well, here’s what I _wanted_ to do after waking up next to you,” he rumbled, his hand slithering down below.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey my loves!  
> Let me just say, whether you're Team Aloe, or Team Kylexys, I'm SO glad you're here, reading this saga! I really, truly hope you've been enjoying the story so far.
> 
> I'm SIX MONTHS into this now, six months of late nights and long hours spent typing away. I've been burnt out, frustrated, and tired, but this has also brought me just... an infinite amount of joy and purpose.
> 
> And, there is SO much to go. 
> 
> I do grit my teeth sometimes thinking how much WORK is going to be put into this plot before we reach our ending, but... I'm so ready for all of you to see what's been swirling in this head for months.
> 
> NEVER be afraid to leave a comment, I appreciate every single one, they seriously give me LIFE, and honestly push me through those days I'm struggling to break through the motivation barrier. 
> 
> And I'm very active on Tumblr if you ever want to shoot me an ask, or even just chat! 
> 
> I hope this year has treated you all as well as it could, and again, thanks for bearing with this love triangle no one asked for.


	35. Honesty

I wouldn’t have had the time to protest, even if I wanted to, before Poe’s hand was slinking past the border of my panties, two fingers gliding down my slit, dipping into the slick that waited for him there.

“Mmm, _baby_ ,” he drawled, placing a delicate kiss to my shoulder. “So wet already. Were you dreaming of me?”

I hummed as he begun a silky motion over my clit, soothing a small fragment of the ache that lingered from the day before.

“I could ask you the same question.” I wiggled my hips slowly over where his hardened cock pressed into the curve of my rear.

“Why would I need to dream when you’re right here next to me?”

I couldn’t stop the small snort of playful disgust that escaped. “Ugh, _what a line_.”

Poe only chuckled, evidently conceding the cheesy nature of his words, before his focus returned to the movements down below. Each stroke of his fingertips was so luscious, so smooth, my heart beginning to flitter along to a faster beat, low whimpers seeping past my lips.

He continued to place gentle kisses over my neck and back as I writhed against his touch, a familiar, _delectable_ warmth simmering low in my abdomen.

“You like that?” Poe whispered at my ear, teeth nipping at the lobe. “Does that feel good?”

“Oh yes Commander, I _love_ it,” I purred.

A sudden, harsh exhale bristled past my jaw. Every following action was swift, calculated with pure determination. He removed his hand, behind me feeling him shift to pull himself free of his underwear, not bothering to slip the fabric any further than his knees.

His palm was suddenly at my face, hovering over the line of my mouth.

“Spit,” he ordered, the tone darkened with the most captivating severity.

I did as I was told, shooting a ball of saliva into the skin. When the hand was pulled from my view, I immediately heard the distinct sounds of flesh on flesh, Poe’s inhale shaking slightly as he prepared himself.

Fingers were then at the thin material covering my entrance, dragging it to the side, before he clutched brutishly into my hip, holding me still.

His next movements were careful, precise, pressing the head of his cock between my legs, guiding himself to the tensed opening of my already pulsing cunt. In the next moment he was wrenching me backwards, sheathing his whole length inside, a relieved moan oozing from us both.

His kisses still scattered over my skin as he begun to fluidly buck his hips, initially keeping his pace slow, with a heavenly groan each time he filled me completely.

Although it didn’t take long before he lost control of his restraint, quickening the motion, a hand slithering to the inside of my thigh, directing me to keep it elevated, spreading me open further to drive himself deeper and deeper within my heat.

Indulgent moans continued to escape me, my fingers reaching behind to clutch brutally into Poe’s hair, tugging the curls as his ferocity increased, blazing flames of pleasure burning brighter with every urgent stroke.

“Such a good girl,” he rasped. “Respecting her superior. _So_ well behaved.”

A paralyzing thrill of guilt sizzled through my veins.

It was the wrong time.

Now, in this scene of sweetened passion, to lift the burden of shame from within my chest, _it was the wrong time._

Yet, inexplicably, the words fell from my lips.

“I... I’ve been _bad_.”

There was a distinctive shift in the atmosphere, and while his greedy thrusts barely wavered in their intensity, Poe’s hand pounced to coil around my throat, his fingers gripping just below the jawline, forcing my face to look at him.

His expression was threatening, tainted with an unmistakable malice.

“ _What have you done_?”

Within the chilling vibrato of his voice, I could already sense his suspicion, a coldness to the tone that washed an icy current over my bared skin.

Yet he didn’t relent. He didn’t even slightly restrain from driving his hardness into me. My concentration was difficult to collect, biting my lip to prevent the loud whines that bounced inside my ribcage, desperate to be set free, to lose myself wholly in the ecstasy of his movements.

“Tell me Alex. What did my _bad_ girl do?”

The grip at my neck tightened.

“I felt him... I felt him like he feels me...” I gasped through the constriction.

He stilled. Our panting exhales the only noise filling the space for an excruciating amount of time.

Words hissed through gritted teeth stung me, brown eyes already darkened with callous rage.

“There’s more than that though, isn’t there?”

My nod was small, the tiniest dip of my face, yet couldn’t have held more fear within the curt action.

Poe’s jaw tensed, nails unconsciously digging in the flesh of my thigh.

“And you’re telling me this _now_ because?”

“I... need to be properly punished.”

A flash of menacing desire glinted in his irises.

“The number,” he snapped. “What’s the number?”

It came out in a fretful whisper. “23.”

“Good. Because you’re probably going to _fucking_ need it.”

The throb of my centre couldn’t be ignored, electrifying thoughts of vicious pain overwhelming my mind, feeling horribly empty when Poe removed himself completely, dragging his body away and rising from the bed. I watched with wide eyes, locked into place, as he strode around the mattress, features twisted into an abrasive scowl, his muscles distractingly tense.

_Fuck._

_This was going to hurt._

A merciless grip was quickly curled around my elbow as Poe wrenched me upwards to my feet.

“Face on the wall, legs apart, ass out. _Now_.”

Such an intoxicating mixture of dread and excitement shimmered through my blood, face feeling hot with crimson, my steps unsteady as I moved to the durasteel, freeing myself from my underwear, and bent my torso down.

The icy metal was soothing to my skin as I pressed a cheek onto the surface, a small comfort for what I knew would follow. Palms laid themselves at either side, widening my stance, arching my back.

Entirely at his mercy.

“Good girl,” he murmured, hearing him tread softly towards my shape. “Now, Alex, I’m going to ask some questions. You’re going to answer them truthfully. Nothing but honesty. Understand?”

_This is dangerous._

“Yes Commander,” I breathed.

“And, based on those answers, I’m going to give you _exactly_ the punishment you deserve. Are you sure you’re ready for that?”

The question held an exceedingly forceful gravity to it. It was a warning, a moment purely to showcase my submission.

“Yes. Yes Commander. I’m ready.”

Poe slowly leaned himself over my bowed figure, one hand settling next to mine on the wall, the other delicately splaying over one side of my rear, gently stroking the skin, each caress shooting sparks of anticipation through my nerves. His exhale was soon at my ear, gravelled and coarse, making me shudder.

“Where? Where did you feel it?” he rumbled.

“In the cave. After getting changed.”

“You were fully clothed?”

“Yes Commander.”

Another breath gradually brushed against me. “Tell me what you felt.”

My eyes instinctively shut.

“His... _pleasure_.”

A palm smacked against my flesh, sharp and _hard_. My lips melded together to stop the resulting whine that flared in my throat.

“What happened next?”

My voice was already filled with a hushed quiver. “Our minds connected again. I... I saw what he was thinking.”

A scathing fury swelled into the air around me.

“What did you see? In his mind, what did you see?”

“ _Me_. In a fantasy. He... He was... _using_ me.”

The next strike was _brutal_ , the sting extending far beyond the flesh of my bottom.

I heard the crunch of teeth grinding together, Poe’s breathing becoming heavier.

“ _Fucker’s_ not playing fair,” he growled lowly before his attention turned to me once more. “Tell me exactly what you saw. Tell me how he used you.”

Panic rippled from my chest. “Poe, I d-don’t think you should hear-”

A high-pitched cry was the next thing that left my mouth, another blow connecting to my skin with an echoing whack.

“I’m not going to ask again,” he scolded.

I wheezed through the pain that continued to pulse, all the while being extremely aware of the moisture building at the junction of my thighs.

“He… used my mouth. _Fucked_ it.”

Poe seethed through a breath. “And did you like that? Did you enjoy watching him _fuck_ your mouth?”

My lids scrunched shut.

_Nothing but honesty._

“ _Yes_.”

Bracing myself, knowing the blow was coming, did absolutely nothing to subdue the agony of Poe’s next hit, my resulting wail shattering within the room, tears welling in my eyes.

I could have let the number roll off my tongue. Ended this. Given in.

But no.

I deserved it.

I deserved this pain.

I was barely able to feel my senses come back to me when Poe growled his next directive, each word instilled with a remorseless authority.

“On your knees. Facing me. _Now_.”

It should have unsettled me, the violent edge to his voice, yet here I was, turning and sinking down all too willingly, gazing up at his incensed expression, ready and waiting to take him. 

“Since _I’ve_ had to go without for so long...” he fumed, fingers twisting into my hair and yanking on the strands. “Show me how good you are at sucking cock.”

I didn’t hesitate, enveloping his firm erection within my mouth, further than what was comfortable, hands clutching into his thighs to force his whole length past my lips.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he groaned. “So _fucking_ eager for it.”

My stare never left his as I pulled back, slowly, my tongue gliding around the flesh, before I shoved him into my warm, wet hole again, whining hard enough for a vibration to ripple over the skin.

Poe’s head rocked back, biting his bottom lip hard, a grumbling moan rising from the pit of his chest.

Seeing him like this, so dazed in bliss, only fuelled my fervent need to heighten his pleasure.

My fingers curled around the base of his shaft as I began licking, sucking, lashing my tongue over his cock, desperate to pull every type of raptured sounds from him I could.

“A-Alex, _fucking_ hell.” The words were gasping, breathless. “ _Maker_ , you’re so good at this. Such a _good_ girl.”

It seemed he’d already forgotten the proceeding scene, losing himself within my smooth, hungered motions, when all of a sudden the memory flickered back into focus, his grasp on my hair turning savage once more. 

He pulled my face away, drool seeping down my chin.

As I peered up, wanting to display a sulking frown, his blackened glare slashed that impulse away.

“I’m going to _fuck_ that dirty little mouth now. That’s what you like, huh?”

I had enough strength within the cascading throb of my insides to answer, barely audible, yet with a seductive smile. “ _Yes_ Commander. Make me _choke_ on it.”

This time it was Poe who let apprehension fall to the wayside, grasping himself within a taut hold and plunging the ruddy head of his dick urgently past the boundary of my lips until it was pressed to the back of my throat.

I felt his cock twitch in the fleeting moment of stillness, a luxurious hiss whistling through his teeth, before he repeated the brazen action, slamming back inside even harsher.

More droplets gathered at the corner of my eyes, soon breaking free as Poe continued to aggressively pound into mouth, my attention concentrated solely on the decadent groans that he produced to avert the overwhelming urge to gag with every single thrust.

The strangled noises I made were positively foul, completely suffocated by his size, drawing pathetic inhales through my nose.

And I savoured every moment.

Eventually, with a recognisable catch in his breath, he paused.

It rattled me when I was abruptly snatched upwards, spine melded into the wall, Poe’s expression curiously docile as he scanned over my face. His thumb was then skimming under my eye, wiping away the errant tear stains, before his lips melted into mine, kissing me roughly, greedily.

“Doing okay there?” he breathed, leaning his forehead to mine.

“Y-yes Commander.” My surprised tone couldn’t be hidden amongst the breath I was still catching.

“Good.” His face pulled back, the stern edge returning. “Now, what was next? What was the next thing you saw?”

I stared directly to Poe’s swollen pupils, clawing some of my composure back. “He returned the favour.”

“How _considerate_ ,” he muttered, soaked in derision. “I can only imagine how _wet_ that made you, watching him eat your pussy.”

“I was more focused on how much he seemed to miss the taste.”

The smirk Poe returned was completely instinctive, unable to smother his utter delight in this fact. “So he _fucking_ should.”

Another blur of movement arrived, dragged back to the bed by my arm, Poe shoving me down at the edge and promptly dropping to the floor, spreading me wide open.

“O-oh _fuck_ ,” I sighed as he began wildly lavish his tongue over every portion of my soaked cunt, meticulous flourishes swirling over the bundle of nerves that sent ricocheting flares of pleasure streaming through my limbs.

Relief, so much _intoxicating_ relief, was contained in every motion, each one leaving me gasping and moaning so pitifully, my mind a fog of lust and insatiable need for release.

It took extremely little time before an explosive climax was just within my reach, yearning so greatly for it that my muscles began to ache.

“Don’t stop Poe. _Please_. D-don’t stop. I’m _so_ close.”

With a devilish chuckle, he pulled away.

_I should have predicted that_.

A whimpering huff seethed out as Poe stood again, bending down to meet his face with mine.

“You wanted punishment Alex. You’re getting it.”

I’d never wanted to curse at him so harshly, grating my teeth together to prevent the torrent of profanity I wished to hurl in his smug face.

A finger trailed down over the line of my hair, collecting the sweat that had formed there, before Poe pushed the tip into my mouth.

“In this fantasy, he _fucked_ you. Am I right?”

The rich, bitter taste of salt dissolved on my tongue as I nodded.

He leaned closer, voice soft as a feather.

“Did he _fuck_ you hard? Mercilessly?”

Another dip of my head, slightly more timid.

“But he never _really_ got that far, did he?”

The finger withdrew slowly, leaving my lips with a small ‘pop’.

“No.”

A whisper at my ear. “Who gets to do that? Who gets to _fuck_ you until it hurts?”

My hips involuntarily bucked, my centre pulsing with such an overpowering ache. “You.”

Lips kissed gently under my jaw. “That’s what you want now, isn’t it? For me to _fuck_ you until you’re sore?”

“Yes! Please!” I begged.

Poe sunk his teeth into the skin of my neck, causing a startled squeal, before one hand was coiled around it.

“Not just yet.” He tightened his clutch, bringing his eyes to hover over mine. “There’s still a few more questions left.”

His stare turned penetrating, severe, the smile he wore fading into a hardened line.

“So you felt him _come_ , correct?”

“Yes Commander.”

“Did he realise? Like you do?”

“Yes Commander.”

His voice dipped lower. “Did you speak to him?”

I struggled to keep my eyes open under the stress of his intense gaze. “Yes.”

My windpipe was compressed further. “What did he say?”

“He… He wanted…”

I struggled to articulate the reply, though not from the constraint that remained wound at my throat.

“What? What did he want? _Tell me_.”

“For me to _come_. Right there. Come undone for him. To feel it with me.”

The most ferocious snarl seeped past Poe’s lips, the energy around him instantly bursting with a violent wrath. “And did you? Is that what you’re telling me Alex?”

“No!” I whimpered. “No of course not! I couldn’t do that to you!”

Seconds drifted. Silent. Heavy.

“But… you were tempted.”

Not a question. A certainty.

**_Nothing_** _but honesty_.

“Yes.”

I looked deeper within the incensed eyes that stared back at me, hopelessly trying to convey in them the regret that was corroding my insides.

Inhales. Exhales.

Deliberate. Calming.

A delicate kiss touched my lips.

“Thank you, for telling me.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know. It’s… alright.”

Emotion began to seep through, leaking out the cracks formed from my crushing shame.

Instead of verbalising it, tainting the scene with pointless words, I clutched my fingers into the base of Poe's hair and pulled him into a desperate kiss, wrenching him close, pouring every ounce of craving into this one embrace.

Without apprehension, his body synchronised with my motions, arms slinking around me, effortlessly moving me up the mattress. With him laying over my shape, my touch wandered, feeling over his skin, our kiss growing wild, animalistic, oxygen a wasteful concept, placing all of my favour towards keeping our lips colliding together.

When they broke apart, not from my own volition, Poe's next sentences tumbled out in a surge of stark commands, all the while beginning to impatiently grind his length between my folds.

“Here’s what going to happen. I’m going to take what belongs to me and _fucking_ fill you with my cum, okay? Then we’re going to get dressed, attend this High Command meeting, where you’re going to stand there, in front of them all, with my cum dripping out this tight little pussy, yeah? And you’re going to go about your day, panties _soaked_ , _desperate_ to come, and _I'll_ get to decide when you’ve waited long enough. Then, I’m going to take you out into that jungle, where no one can hear, and I’m going to make you _fucking_ scream.”

There was no fitting response possible within this entire universe to what he’d said with such undeniable conviction that could have conveyed how much I _needed_ that reality to materialise.

But, I didn’t need one.

While I lay there, mouth agape, stunned, Poe slid himself inside me, before hooking both arms under my knees, pressing them into each side of my torso, our bodies melted into one another, as he began to _fuck_ me ruthlessly from the most magnificent angle, igniting a spark of euphoria I was sure I’d never sensed before.

I tried to capture the essence of it into my consciousness, savour the way he plunged deeper and deeper into my core within a perfect, incessant rhythm, but his release arrived too quickly.

A vulgar moan, a vicious final thrust, a set of nails digging into my skin, and my walls were painted with his climax.

Agony. Pure, unadulterated _pain_ wracked through me, tearing away at my sanity, drowning in craving.

“You can say the number you know. If it’s too much.”

Time had passed without awareness. Poe stood at the bedside, annoyingly self-satisfied while I wallowed in the sting of discomfort.

Stubbornly, I shook my head.

He reached his hand to me. “Come on. We’re already late.”


	36. Tomorrow

_Breath in._

_Breathe out._

_Don’t think about it._

_Walk **normally**._

_You can’t feel it._

_You can’t feel that **distinct** type of moisture between your legs._

_Stop thinking about it._

_It makes it **worse** when you think about it._

“Right, so, meeting reconvened. Where were we?” Poe announced, diverting my train of impure thought, his upbeat demeanour igniting several perplexed looks from the gathering we now stood in front of.

Together.

My own confused expression couldn’t be smothered, wondering why he hadn’t taken his place amongst the rest of High Command.

“What are you doing?” I whispered.

His face was soft when it turned to me, energy trickling with a calm assurance. “What I should have done yesterday.”

While a warming gesture, I wasn’t entirely sure it was appropriate. “It’s alright, I can handle it. And in any case, they’re here to discuss _my_ future, Poe. Not yours.”

“ _Alexys_ ,” he breathed, my name spoke with such a sweetened affection, leaning closer. “If they’re deciding on your future, well, now they’re determining mine too.”

A gentle kiss touched my forehead, and with it, a wave of rumbling commotion spilled from the crowd.

“Uh, have I missed something here?” Commander Gartfran questioned roughly.

Maz’s cheerful voice chimed in. “Isn’t this a _fascinating_ outcome.”

“ _That_ was a quick turnaround,” Lieutenant Chireen muttered.

The familiar accusing voice of Aftab Ackbar, the Mon Calamari, whose name I’d finally been informed of in the previous evening, also joined the fuss. “Well this seems awfully convenient.”

“Hey,” Poe snipped. “Watch it.”

My eyes scanned over the rabble, a jumbled mixture of expressions on full display, and my gaze was drawn to the beaming grin that radiated from Finn’s face as he snickered under his breath.

Next to him, I caught the glimpse of Rose shooting me a comforting smile, before she quickly darted a foot into his shin, the following scold too quiet for me to hear.

“General, were you aware of this development?” Commander D’Arcy peeped.

Leia’s elegant features were already poised with subtle amusement. “Believe it or not, my Commander’s love life isn’t exactly my highest priority.”

“I would consider it one when this woman’s very presence threatens the safety of this base,” Gartfran argued.

Beaumont huffed, rolling his eyes. “Oh come now. That’s a _bit_ of an over-exaggeration.”

“The Supreme Leader has openly stated a ransom in return for her capture!” Aftab hollered. “He promises mercy for those who leak the whereabouts of his prisoner!”

My whole body flickered with a bolt of electricity, lips slipping apart in disbelief, before my sharpened stare shot to Poe.

“Did you know about this?” I hissed under my breath.

He appeared just as shocked as me. “No!” His eyes darted over the rest of the fleet. “When? When did you hear this?”

“The transmission came over the public comms this morning, just before this meeting. Broadcasted galaxy wide,” Connix informed, her voice slightly hesitant under the heat of Poe’s anger.

“Public?” I repeated. “He made a _public_ transmission?”

She nodded, still timid.

“Keeping her under our protection is a risk we can’t afford to take right now General,” Chireen stressed, his tone serious. “These are desperate times, and the offer of mercy may be too tempting for some in this fleet to pass up.”

Leia cocked an eyebrow, offended. “Are you implying someone would betray their own comrades, just for the promise of leniency from the First Order?”

“We cannot discount the possibility.”

Finn objected, his lighter demeanour having faded away in the flow of heated discussion. “I seriously doubt anyone in this fleet would be that _stupid_ , to think Kylo Ren wouldn’t slice their head clean off once he got what he wanted.”

“Exactly,” Rose urged. “And in addition, Rey’s had this kind of target over her head too, for a long time, and she was welcomed into the Resistance with open arms, allowed to train with Leia.”

“Ah, but the Jedi Killer’s motivation is somewhat _contrasting_ in this particular scenario.” My eyes were drawn to Maz as she spoke, a meaningful expression within her unique features. “It is not the threat she poses that has Kylo Ren seeming so… frantic.”

“That’s not entirely true,” I pressed. “He knows. He knows what I can do. What I kept hidden from him while under captivity. I would imagine that’s the primary reason for his search.”

I heard a subtle snort of defiance slip from Poe’s nose, a clear rebuttal to that notion. He didn’t see the venomous look I shot back in his direction, keeping his eyes trained away from mine.

_You are **not** helping._

“Wait, I don’t understand,” D’Arcy remarked. “During the meeting yesterday you seemed to imply the Supreme Leader had yet to push past the shield you spoke of.”

_Fuck._

Our movements were synchronised, stares immediately magnetised to each other, Poe’s face tense with a barely suppressed panic.

In recalling the scene, remembering the way my body felt so alive with pleasure in the moments my mind had been easily infiltrated, it dragged my thoughts to the wetness still lingering down below, a prickling of warmth becoming noticeable in my cheeks.

“The woman,” I choked out. “She wished to meet with me and when we did… she tore it down again. Let him sift through my memories.”

Poe’s eyes flashed with understanding, harmonising with my brazen lie, turning back to the group. “But the base’s location hasn’t been compromised. Alex made sure of it.”

“How can you be confident about that?” Aftab questioned harshly, his worried expression mirrored amongst the rest of the command.

“We’d all be dead or captured right now if she hadn’t.”

“That’s where you were last night, wasn’t it?” Finn asked. “That’s why you went out into the jungle, yeah?”

Leia’s voice grew stern. “You went out past the base’s perimeter without clearance?”

“We needed clearance?” I peeped.

“There was no time General,” Poe insisted earnestly. “And the woman Alex speaks of didn’t exactly make it seem like she was willing to wait.”

Beaumont’s features turned overcome with intrigue. “So this woman is _real_?”

“Real enough to try and strangle me.”

It was Leia who struck us with the next question. “She has the ability to do that?”

When I saw the concern in her face, the faintest hint of alarm within her features, it only compounded the fear that always remained simmering in the pit of my chest.

“Yes,” I said as calmly as I could. “Her powers are effective in the physical realm.”

While Beaumont seemed enraptured by my answer, the rest of the assembly began to echo the aura of unease that Leia radiated, some appearing more disturbed than others.

“We have a war to fight General,” Gartfran fumed. “And this woman only brings about another challenge for us to deal with, one that could actually _harm_ us.”

Chireen concurred. “Training a new Jedi was one thing, but this… I don’t think our fleet can handle a whole new threat.”

Resentment flared, my voice both cold and blistering.

“I didn’t intend to be a part of this! Don’t you get that? I _never_ wanted to be involved in this war. Why do you think I isolated myself for so long? I gave up _everything_. My home. My family. My whole life. Just so I couldn’t cause harm to the people I love, and the rest of the galaxy.”

Silence fell, unsettling and unbroken, while my sudden anger dissolved.

“I’m _sorry,_ okay? I don’t mean to bring danger, or risk, or _anything_. I didn’t choose any of this. But now I’m here… I just want to help, with this ability I’ve been given. And…”

Poe’s gaze was already set to mine when I glanced his way. And in the seconds my eyes traced over the angled lines of his face, studying him, sensing that familiar soothing warmth in my chest whenever he looked me, my next words became all too easy to articulate.

“You’ve all got something you’re fighting for, right?” I let my purposeful stare scan over the crowd. “Something that keeps you here, struggling against the First Order. It’s the reason you wake up every day, work _so_ hard, push through the fear and sadness and unforgiving odds. I didn’t understand it before. What drove all of you, all of this fleet, this rebellion, to offer your lives to the cause, what forced you to do the things you’ve done. But… I do now.”

I took a slow breath. “I found it. I found my reason for fighting. And _believe_ me, I have fought hard enough for it already. But I’m more than willing to keep going, to help you protect what you’re all fighting for. I just need you to _let_ me.”

At the curve of my waist, I felt a hand drift over, curling around me, before I was gradually pulled into Poe’s side, his voice softened when he spoke.

“I’ve been a part of this Resistance for over 7 years of my life. When Leia asked me to join her in a rebellion of the First Order, I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t ask for anything in return, I didn’t expect it either. I just wanted to do what was… _right_. And every single day I’ve been ready to give my life for all of you, your loved ones, the people of this galaxy. For the hope of a brighter tomorrow, for everyone. But... I never really gave a thought to my own. What kind of life I was going into battle for, the future I would have after this is all over.”

He swallowed hard, building courage, feeling him tense against me. “Alex is that for me. She... she’s my tomorrow. She’s the future I’m looking to now.” The next words came out hardened, weighted with seriousness. “And we’re _damn_ lucky someone like her wants to join us.”

A gentle smile curled my lips when we looked to each other this time, barely holding down the urge to collect his exquisitely handsome face into my palms and pull him into an adoring kiss.

“I wholeheartedly agree!” Beaumont cheered, snatching my attention. “ _Two_ active Force users within our regiment can only be an advantage.” He rose to his feet, an excitement wildly shimmering from his form. “And she has the ability to Force heal. _Heal_! Do any of you know how rare it is to find that?”

Gartfran let out a forfeiting huff. “I suppose.”

“She’ll need to be properly trained,” Chireen said flatly. “Since I doubt she’s had any proper combat instruction.”

“Well no, not exactly.” I glanced to Leia. “I still meant what I said, General. I don’t think I’m the solider type.”

She dipped her head. “I know Alex, but every member of this army has to be prepared for battle, even those in support roles.” She motioned towards Finn, who was already smirking. “Finn handles all of our new recruit training.”

He rubbed his hands together in anticipation. “Oh this is going to be _fun_.”

“Just the fundamentals Finn,” Leia asserted, a dryness in her tone that almost made me chuckle. “Basic combat manoeuvres, an introduction to our weapon systems, target practice.”

My relaxed demeanour faded instantly. “Target practice? Like for… _shooting_ people?”

“It’s a precaution Alex. A necessary one.”

“Our blasters all have stun settings available on them,” Rose soothed, sensing the reason for my trepidation. “Even if you find yourself in the situation of needing to use one, you don’t have to actually hurt anyone.”

“Right, sure.”

Poe gave me comforting squeeze. “Don’t look so worried. They’d have to somehow get past me before you’d have a chance to raise your blaster.”

“Always the hero,” Finn muttered, shaking his head.

“Oh sorry, did I miss the report on _you_ infiltrating a Star Destroyer and rescuing a hostage alone?”

“Didn’t Alex save your _ass_ from getting handed to you? I think she deserves the hero title.”

“Enough you two,” Leia hushed, cutting off their bickering. She rose to stand, her face etched with gentle, yet meaningful, composure.

“Now, unless anyone has any more pressing objections, are we all in agreement to allow Alexys to join our forces?”

There was an unconscious spasm of anxiety that gripped me, as my gaze darted over the High Command ensemble, watching as each member began to nod, some more hesitantly than others. 

Leia focused back to Poe and I. “Well, that settles it. Alex, welcome to the Resistance. You’re all dismissed.”

While a glowing current of relief did slowly start to trickle through me, it still brought with it an inescapable swell of concern for the life I was now about to lead. And then, just as quickly as it arrived, the fear dissipated into nothing when Poe enveloped me into a tight embrace, nuzzling his nose into my hair.

“I meant what I said,” he murmured. “About the future. It’s all you.”

I clutched him tighter before pulling back to peer up at his tender expression. “I feel the same way.”

**_But, can you give him the future he truly longs for?_ **

****

Her question collided into me with a ruthless force, no doubt the precise effect the woman was hoping for, only just able to prevent myself from reacting with a physical jolt. Yet Poe still noticed the startled flash within my eyes, the tremor in my jaw.

“What’s wrong?”

I couldn’t. I just… couldn’t. Not yet.

**_You know how he feels about lying._ **

****

_I’ll tell him. When I’m ready._

**_Do you think that will change the consequence?_ **

****

Attempting to ignore the woman’s deliberate attempt at unnerving me, I utilised my uncomfortable appearance into a very real truth.

“I can feel it every time I move,” I whispered, pupils directing downwards.

Poe coughed through a low chuckle, evidently caught off guard, before an infuriating grin spread through his lips. He was about to speak when Finn’s voice burst through.

“You better prepare yourself, rookie. I am _not_ going easy on you.”

Rose slipped in beside where he stood with us, giving him a sharp poke into his ribs. “Will you stop being so antagonising?”

Finn gave me a playful pat on my shoulder. “She knows I’m only kidding, right Alex?”

“Are you though?”

He turned thoughtful, laughing softly. “Maybe to start off with.” His attention concentrated on Poe. “If all you’ve got is this guy defending you, we should probably extend your training into more advanced techniques.”

“Oh shut the f-”

“Commander Dameron,” D’Arcy interjected, cutting though his outburst. “The General wishes to have a meeting with you in her office.”

He seemed to be expecting this. “Absolutely. I’ll be right there.”

“And Dr Jago,” she continued. “Leia wished for you to make your way to the medic tents, so Dr Kalonia can give you an orientation.”

I nodded coolly, even when my curiosity was reaching summit peaks inside my brain at what would be discussed in this meeting I wasn’t privy to.

Poe entwined a set of fingers through mine, grasping my hand tight before letting go. “I’ll come and find you later, alright?”

“You better,” I grumbled, quiet enough so only he could hear. “Please don’t keep me waiting _too_ long.”

With only an arrogant smirk he left, moving away towards the _Tantive IV_ with Commander D’Arcy, my eyes fixed to him as he began to converse while they walked, noticing how his energy quickly spiked with irritation.

With a deepened breath, I turned towards where my new workplace would be waiting. “I guess I better get going then.”

“Hey,” Finn stopped me with a motion of his hand, his mood uncharacteristically sombre. “We do really appreciate what you’re doing, you know. Poe seemed _convinced_ you wouldn’t stay, with how you felt about this war.”

“That hasn’t changed,” I admitted. “I just have a particularly convincing reason to be a part of it now.”

“We know,” Rose said sweetly. “That’s why we’re so grateful. Rey will be too, I’m sure of it.”

“Is she okay?”

The two looked uncomfortably at each other.

“Sorry, confidential, I know,” I yielded.

“No it’s not that.” Finn seemed slightly troubled then. “We honestly don’t know.”

My eyebrows crinkled together. “What?”

Rose’s distress was more obvious, the emotion clear within her delicate face. “The comms team are struggling to keep in contact. We knew this phase of the mission might take a while, and Rey assured us the last time we spoke that everything was going well but...”

“It’s getting hard not be a little concerned.”

I wasn’t well versed on the strategies and planning that occurred on this base yet, making me pose my next question without thinking. “So when are you guys going to swoop in and rescue her?”

Finn laughed. “Woah, you sound so much like Poe it’s scary.”

“Did he say that too?”

“ _Duh_ ,” Rose huffed. “What other type of reaction would that man have?”

I snickered to myself, before a thought came to me. “Do you think that’s what Leia wants to talk to him about?”

Again, the pair peered at each other, uneasy.

Finn broke the silence first. “I don’t pretend to know what that meeting is about, but I’m fairly certain there’ll be one specific point of discussion.”

My memory sparked.

“The public transmission.”

A part of me, irrepressible and potently reckless, wanted to hear it. To know how he articulated the demand of my capture, to experience that distinct, enlivened charge that surged though when I caught the sound of his deepened voice. But the other part, the significantly more rational one, hoped I would never hear its enthralling tenor ever again.

Rose was swift to gauge the plummeting drop in my mood, and somehow, to my own surprise, rushed to bring this conversation to an end.

“Come on Alex, let’s not keep Dr Kalonia waiting.”

She looped her arm through mine, effortlessly casual, and lead me away through the base, making sure Finn was clearly out of earshot before speaking again.

“You remember what I said last night?”

I hummed a yes, still drawn within my own disordered inner dialogue.

“ _Alex_.”

She stopped her stride, turning to me, my awareness returning to see Rose’s eyes piercing back into mine.

“Talk to me.”

“About what?”

A slow exhale escaped her. “The others might not see it, but I do. You’re holding too much in, and I can see how much it’s _hurting_ you.”

Her kindness was increasingly disarming, scarcely able to keep my expression composed. “Really, Rose, I’m alright. I mean, sure, knowing there’s been a broadcasted announcement for my arrest is a little disconcerting but-”

“You know he never did that for Rey, right?” she interjected. “He’s _never_ offered mercy before now.”

“Well, he wasn’t Supreme Leader when Rey’s abilities were discovered so-”

“Alex!”

To see her this frustrated made my lips clamp shut, the emotion seeming unnatural. Though, it fell away somewhat quickly, a hand touching my arm.

“I won’t judge you. Or condemn you,” she implored. “And I won’t tell Poe a single word of what you say.”

I was silent, impassive, forcing myself into smothering the anguish she was determined to pull to the surface.

“It’s okay. Just… say it out loud. It’ll help.”

I stepped back, face hardened. “Stop. _Please_.”

“Would it help if I said it first?”

“Rose, don’t. Don’t keep doing this.”

“What you told us, about what you did to him being a fabrication, that you didn’t return his affection... That wasn’t completely true, was it?”

The strain of keeping myself unaffected was _painful_ , my jaw aching from the strict clenching of my teeth.

Maybe she was right. I wasn’t on Raxus anymore. Alone. Isolated. Forever shouldering my own burdens simply because there was no other choice.

Slowly, timidly, I shook my head.

“I thought so.” Rose smiled. A soothing, compassionate smile, one I knew in deepest pits of my mind I didn’t deserve. Yet, here she stood in front of me, the truth laid bare, and still… she smiled.

“Talking about it… I’m not ready.”

Rose nodded, surrendering. “Alright, I understand. Just please remember, when you are, I’ll be right here. No judgement. I _promise_.”

My eyes drifted down. “You don’t know the full story.”

“I meant what I said.”

We remained in a few hushed seconds of silence, before her expression brightened, beaming an encouraging grin to me. “Good luck on your first day! Come and meet us for ration time, okay?”

“Sure thing,” I agreed, almost feeling a sense of whiplash strike me at the graceful transformation of her mood.

Watching her walk away, it was impossible not feel a twinge of jealousy for the woman. She was so grounded, so astute and so _open_. I wished I could be that way, to not feel the tightness in my chest, the thumping of my heartbeat when faced with the challenge of being honest.

*

It was mid-afternoon, my day having been filled with a steady procession of new information and fresh faces, as Dr Kalonia, with Naako’s help, attempted to settle me into my new role as painlessly as possible.

And already, within these short hours, I knew I was going to be happy here.

“You don’t seem to be particularly concerned about our lack of resources,” Dr Kalonia noted while I was fawning over the equipment I’d never had enough credits to purchase for my own clinic.

“You’ve got healing field generators, bacta bulbs, even synflesh dispensers! And the X-ray machine was manufactured in this decade! I’m practically spoiled here.”

Naako appeared puzzled. “But you don’t need any of it.”

“I can’t just Force heal everybody back to normal Naako,” I sighed. “It doesn’t work like that.”

“Why not?”

“It takes _a lot_ of my energy, and I’m still kind of, learning how to use it.” I turned to the Togruta, her eyes shining with an adorable intrigue. “It’s a lot safer if I just do what I’m trained to.”

“So when _will_ you use it?”

More than a few of the other medics were studying me then, waiting for my answer.

I kept my focus away from their stares, and shrugged. “I... I’m not sure. As a last resort I would assume. That’s how I’ve always used it in the past.”

“But that was more out of fear of being caught, yes?” Dr Kalonia posed.

“Uh... yes.”

“I would be more than amendable to you applying this ability within controlled conditions, Alex. I hope you know that.”

I looked towards her. “Really?”

“Absolutely! Anything we can do to keep this fleet alive, I’m extremely eager to utilise. Only if you’re comfortable of course.”

“Oh... Okay then,” I said, surprised. “I guess I’ll keep that in mind.”

It was still so bizarre, so out of my natural state of being, to be talking about my powers so freely. I couldn’t help it, the nervous energy that sizzled around me, having spent so long being frightened by its exposure.

_So many wasted years._

“I’m just going to make myself acquainted with the medical reserves. Learn where all the stock is.”

Both of the women nodded, letting me step out of the main treatment canopy and make my way to the small supply tent.

Entering the darkened space, I scanned my eyes mindlessly over the rows of pharm agents and dressings, barely recognising what I was looking at.

I wanted to try something. What I hadn’t had a moment alone to attempt yet, that I’d just realised I could do without fear paralysing me.

Only out of the possible embarrassment of it going horribly wrong, I wanted it to be away from public view.

My hand was shaky as it rose higher, singling all of my concentration on a lone vial of Coagulin, the rest of my surroundings slipping away into a muted haze. Inside, I snapped the lock, increasingly more redundant, and allowed the Force’s whispers to shimmer through my body. It was patient as it waited at the tips of my fingers, tingling the nerves, eager.

Like an extension of my own hand, I reached forward, the energy flowing outwards, slowly coiling around the glass.

I inhaled deeply, relaxing my senses, before pushing the air deliberately through a small opening of my lips.

With the tiniest flourish of my fingers, the bottle flew to my open palm, too quickly, bouncing off my skin before crashing to the floor, shards of glass shattering into sharpened pieces.

“ _Damn_ it!” I hissed, bending down to fully inspect the damage.

“You almost had it, too,” Poe chuckled from behind me.

The sudden entrance of his voice was startling enough for me to lose my balance, slumping onto my knees. My head shot around to face him, set to scold him for sneaking around, when I froze.

Images of a bruised and bloodied man dashed across my vision when I fully grasped the sight of Poe’s changed attire.

“Why are you wearing a flight suit?” I snapped, a little too harshly. Seeing the bold, orange material so pristine wasn’t comforting in the slightest, only making the memories of our meeting pounce clearly into my mind.

“I have a mission.”

“Can you tell me about this one?”

He recoiled at the bite of my tone. “Hey, there’s no need to be like that. I don’t always have a choice in these things.”

I heaved out a long breath, settling myself. “I know. I’m _sorry_.” Poe offered his hand and helped me back into a standing position. “Seeing you in the suit again, it caught me a little by surprise. The last time I saw it was… a little traumatic.”

The realisation finally clicked into place. “ _Oh_. _Frack_. I completely forgot.”

“It’s fine. Just something I have to get used to.” I dusted off some of the dirt that had collected on my legs. “So, do I get to know where you’re going this time?”

“I would tell you if there was a specified destination. A group of pirates is hassling our trade runs, and Leia’s sending a few of us in to sort it out.”

“Oh. Right. When do you leave?”

“1600.”

“That’s only 30 minutes from now!” I sulked.

He reached for me, pulling me closer. “I know it’s sudden, and I’m sorry, really. But that’s what this life is like, Alex. Sometimes I’ll have to leave at a moment’s notice.”

I pressed myself into him, circling my arms around his torso. “When do you think you’ll be back?”

Poe was quiet, clearly tense, before he answered. “Possibly a few days.”

My face shot up to meet his. “A few days?!”

“… It could take longer than that.”

“Poe!”

“Hey,” he soothed. “You know I’ll be just as impatient as you are to get back here.”

I frowned, glaring at him. “You’re not the one who’s still _waiting_ right now.”

Poe smirked. “That’s _exactly_ why I pushed back take off for half an hour.”

He immediately gripped my hand and dragged me through the rough fabric of the tent opening, my feet haphazardly darting over the uneven floor as I was lead past the tree line.

“I thought we needed clearance to go out here?” I squeaked.

Poe stopped his stride, swivelling to face me, his face threatening. “Do you want to _come_?”

I nodded quickly.

“Then stop worrying about clearance and follow me into that jungle.”

Once again he snatched his hand over mine and hauled me behind him, both of us fluidly dashing around the many trees and wildly growing plants, my anticipation burning into a rising glow of heat with every step. 

Finally, after several minutes of our hike, I was crushed against a thickened trunk, Poe’s lips rolling over mine, my fingers becoming tangled into his hair as he enveloped me within a frenzied kiss.

“Are you going to be good for me?” he murmured as he began to trail his lips down my neck.

A pathetic whine escaped. “I’ll do _anything_.”

“Just listen to what I tell you. I want to try something, okay?”

I nodded with a lingering sigh, his fingers already fiddling with the latch of my pants. Easily opened, he slipped his hand past the elastic of my panties, gliding two fingers between my folds.

“This is _definitely_ not all from me,” he growled, grasping at the base of my loosened braid, kissing me roughly as his touch shifted over my already pulsing clit. My hips jolted into him, electricity racing through my limbs, moaning into his mouth as the motion increased its intensity.

Poe soon secured all of his concentration onto the lusciously smooth movement over my swollen nub, keeping it rhythmic, silky. I could tell he was _learning_ , listening to the changes in my breathing, what motion would cause me to shudder, to whimper, to clutch into his suit as he brought me closer and closer to the edge.

“Tell me when you’re getting close _baby_ ,” he purred at my ear.

Obviously, he hadn’t realised what the vibration of his deepened voice would do.

“ _Oh_ _maker_ … I think… I think it’s now Poe… Please… _Please_ don’t stop…”

“Focus on me,” he rasped. “Focus on my fingers, my voice. Focus on who’s making you _come_.”

I groaned, pleasure sparking violently through my insides.

“Look at me.” His hungered brown eyes were waiting for me when my lids opened, more bliss sizzling through me at the pure lust set within them. “ _Fuck_. These next few days are going to be _fucking_ torture.”

“You’re… _uh_ … You’re telling me!” I gasped, my mind beginning to dissolve into a delirious blur. “Oh _maker_ , I… I’m almost there.”

“Keep those eyes on me!” he demanded. “Think of nothing else, do you hear me? Nothing else but me.”

It was physically painful to keep my gaze locked to his, instinct commanding me to squeeze my lids shut, to lose myself completely within the perfect trace of his fingertips.

Poe became more urgent as my climax grew so near to breaking free.

“You and me, yeah? This is just between you and me. Focus on me, only me. Come on Alex, _come_ for me. _Come_ for me _baby_. Don’t let him in this time.”

My whole body seized into the most ecstasy filled spasm, pounding from my centre outwards, over and over, nails digging brutally into Poe as my long-awaited orgasm finally shattered through my limbs, barely able to keep myself upright. I could faintly hear the ricocheting sound of my loud, raptured moan as white streaks encompassed my vision.

It was there. The connection. I could sense it, preying on my weakness, circling around this vulnerable state. Waiting for me to give in.

_Not this time._

It was Poe’s voice that kept me firmly attached to this reality, the way it drifted gently to my ear, keeping me with him, wholly and completely, just like he wanted.

“Good girl. You’re _such_ a good girl. _Coming_ all over my fingers. Did that feel good? Tell me, Alex. Tell me it felt good.”

“So good,” I panted softly.

He wavered in his next question. “Did it happen?”

Our stares fastened together as I let a satisfied smile appear, and shook my head.

Another fervent kiss, almost more enlivened than any we’d shared in the past, took over all of my senses, Poe’s energy bursting with an overwhelming relief.

It soon melted into a peaceful embrace, my head dipping to rest at his shoulder, taking the time to catch my breath as his lips lightly touched over my cheek.

“I have to go,” he muttered, a hand stroking over my hair.

My throat grew tight, glad he couldn’t see the despair now written in my face. “I’ll miss you.”

“Me too Alex. Every minute.”


	37. Weakness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do we do when we're feeling down? We write more angst filled fanfiction!

It was strange, watching the T-70 X-Wing rise from the air, swiftly dashing into the sky, recalling the way Poe had bid farewell to me with a delicate kiss and a wink.

“I’ll be back before you know it.”

“Not soon enough.”

“I know.”

Standing at the base’s flight pad, it was Leia who slipped beside me as the ship blinked from my view.

“It never gets easier you know, watching them leave.”

I looked to her stoic expression, trying to imitate it, failing miserably.

“How do you cope with it? The fear that they won’t come back?”

“Honestly? I never did,” she admitted, a large sigh following her response. “But somehow, hope would always stay with me.”

My throat felt tight, still holding back the sadness that sat heavy in my chest. “I don’t know how you keep it.”

“Honestly, it’s the only thing I have left,” she replied solemnly.

There was silence between us, yet soon a burning question escaped me.

“Do you still have hope… for _him_?”

Leia seemed surprised at first, before turning thoughtful.

“After Han… And Luke… it began to fade away. Lost into the darkness, just like my son. But now…” Her eyes wandered over my face. “I think there’s still some light left in him. And I think you’ve seen it.”

“It’s gone now,” I muttered. “I made sure of that.”

“I would dare say otherwise,” she remarked. “A promise of mercy rarely comes about in these wars.”

My face hardened. “It’s for my power. His ego is bruised. Insulted by how I kept him out for all that time. Of course he’s going to use every tactic at his disposal to bring me back.”

Her voice became soft. “I know you don’t truly believe that's his only motivation.”

It was difficult not to recoil, slightly taken aback, before composure returned. “Any other reason for his public ambition is irrelevant to me.”

“It didn’t appear that way when you learned of the transmission,” she uttered.

“I was simply shocked he’d been so bold, just like I’m sure you all were.”

Her expression had turned serious, a solemn edge to her tone. “A well-trained liar you’ve become. I think, so much so, that you can even lie to yourself.”

I felt a tightness collect in my chest as I looked over Leia’s provoking expression. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You told me of a connection. Between you and him.”

“I also said it didn’t matter.”

“But it _does_ ,” she urged. “More than I think you’re allowing yourself to believe.”

With a defiant tilt of my chin, I wasn’t able to prevent the coldness that swallowed my voice. “And why is that exactly?”

The energy around Leia rippled with a calming blush, and somehow I knew she’d exuded it for my benefit. “It matters because I’m worried about this fleet. And for you. And my Commander.”

“You didn’t say this during the meeting,” I murmured, trying to reign in my irritation.

“ _Of course not_ ,” she said, a kindness in her stare that pushed to disarm me. “This was not something to speak about in front of High Command, and certainly not in front of Poe.”

My eyebrows furrowed. “What?”

I knew there was noise around us, movement, people shuffling over the base to prepare more ships for take-off, mechanical whirrs and loud bangs ricocheting though the late afternoon air. But it all seemed to fall away as she spoke.

“I know why you want to fight for him. I understand why you made the choice you did. But still, I wonder… Was it the right one?”

“Oh, Leia,” I lamented. “Not you too.”

There was a telling flicker of distress that brandished over her features, the same guilt-ridden essence in her aura. She was hesitant to speak, and it was immediately clear _that_ was something she had rarely struggled with before.

“I’ve thought about it a lot Alex, what you told me of your time together. After all these years, after everything that I’ve done, what Luke tried to do, what Rey’s still believes she could do… Here _you_ are. You made him push back against the dark. You made him consider a path _away_ from death and destruction.”

My voice dipped lower. “I’m not going to be a pawn in this game.”

“I’m not asking anything of the sort, please know that,” she stressed. Her gaze floated away from mine, with a forced poise settling over her figure. “Poe… He relayed some more information to me. That the bond you formed on the _Finalizer_ , the care and affection that my son holds for you.” Her pupils fixated on mine once more. “You feel the same.”

“Felt!” I cursed. “ _Felt_ , Leia. There’s a difference!”

“Poe didn’t seem to agree with you in that sense.”

My eyes darted to the last point in the softened blue sky that I’d seen his X-wing glide from view. “He didn’t?”

She shook her head. “No. He appears to think you are only pushing these feelings to the side, for his benefit, yet your heart still lingers.”

My mouth was dry, gaped open, a lone breath stuttering from my throat. “I… I can’t believe he didn’t tell me.”

“He didn’t wish for me to say anything. And I know I’ve broken his trust by telling you of this conversation. But, the truth is…” Leia grazed a few fingers over my forearm, trying to beckon my attention back towards her. “I agree with him.”

I was quiet. Motionless amongst the surrounding daily life of this base. Staring into the sky where Poe grew further and further away from my grasp.

Where, in some distant planet system, Kylo was searching for me.

“Make your point Leia.”

It felt rude, hideously disrespectful of the woman who was now my General, but caution over that fact had already made itself distant from my mind.

She conceded my rueful tone without retribution, staying hushed. “The future is something I am forced to think about every minute of my waking moments. I have to anticipate every scenario, envision every outcome.” I watched as her chest swelled, a poignant exhale slowly seeping out. “And the decision you’ve made, well, I worry that it may still bring about some damaging consequences.”

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this,” I whispered. “I thought… I thought you agreed with me, with my decision.”

Leia placed her palms face up, an attempt to soothe me. “I did Alex, I still do. I _promise_. Yet there’s a future I can see with you bringing my son a peace that I never could, that no one else could. A future where no more people have to die, that no more of my fleet would perish to the First Order. One in which you could still be _happy_.”

“You sound just like _her_ ,” I seethed, a temper starting to simmer in my veins.

Leia’s mouth twisted, ashamed. “I know. I’m sorry. But I won’t lie to you. And I can’t let this Resistance die because I didn’t try everything within my power to win this war.”

My feet stepped back from under me, desperately trying to keep the tears of frustration at bay. “Is that what you’d have me do? Give myself over to someone else so you can _win_?”

Leia was oddly stoic, her expression blank. “A part of you wants that Alex. I can sense it, all around you, when you speak of him, when he’s a part of discussion. I... can’t even name the emotion. Yet it’s so strong.”

A shudder rippled through me, until now unaware of Leia’s ability to _feel_ people like I could, to sense the emotions that lay deep within their psyche.

“What about when I look at Poe? When I think of him? What do you feel then?”

More prolonged hush.

I could see the contemplation behind Leia’s eyes, before finally, a gentle smile curled her lips. “ _Love_.”

“And you want me to give that away? You want me to break his heart?”

She turned away from me, holding her arms close to her chest. “No. No, of course not. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Pleading brown irises peered back at me. “I’m just trying to do my best to keep these people alive.”

“I can do that, you know,” I urged. “I’ll practise. I’ll get better.”

“I know you will.” She closed the distance between us again, tentatively gathering my hands into hers. “I’m sorry. That was so thoughtless of me, to even imply-”

“Let’s just forget about it,” I interrupted, giving her palms a squeeze. “I really just, don’t want to think about him anymore than I have to.”

“I wish I had that luxury,” she murmured, the grief clear on her face. But I couldn’t soothe it.

I made my farewell, a thoroughly awkward one, walking back to the medic tents, barely processing the world around me. As much as she would now protest, I knew Leia wanted that future she spoke of.

Yet another person who hoped for my resolve to crumble, to give in.

**_We simply wish to protect this galaxy Alexys._ **

I stopped, sucking in a breath at the crisp sound of her voice in my ear.

****

_There has to be a different way. A separate path._

**_If that path exists, it will not be painless._ **

_I’m not afraid of pain._

*

I was rethinking that comment four full day cycles later, after a blow to my shoulder caused a sharp throb to cascade down my arm.

“Ow! Finn! That one hurt!”

“Then block it before it hits you,” he laughed, strolling from my hunched figure, twirling the stun baton around in a teasing flourish.

“I’m trying!”

“Not hard enough, obviously. Now come on, shake it off and we’ll start again.”

This wasn’t the first of our training sessions over the proceeding days, but it had certainly been the most gruelling. Hand to hand combat wasn’t something that was covered during my long years of education in medicine, and even the basic defensive tactics Finn was attempting to impart on me was like trying to teach a tooka how to walk on its hind legs.

As the ache in my limb faded away, I placed myself back into a guarding position, watching, waiting for Finn to make his first strike.

I always thought I had such a good read of people, sometimes feeling their intentions before they ever pushed them into action, yet somehow, this ex-Stormtrooper had continued to keep me one step behind, his movements so swift and precise, the swirl of planning in his mind too quick for me to predict his attacks.

In a split second he was charging forward, a wide swing of his weapon almost connecting into my side before I struck it with my own. There was a large crack that echoed out, before he withdrew, only to attempt another blow just above my head.

With two hands gripped around the baton, I surged it upwards, barely holding back the strength of his hit, both of us locked in a trembling struggle. I relinquished first, veering away into the open area by Finn’s side as he stumbled forward.

I was about to take aim, momentarily having the upper hand, when his feet pivoted to face me once more. This time it was a flurry of swings that he barraged me with, each sharp bang of our weapons ringing in my ears as I blocked the forceful assaults.

Falling into a steady rhythm of combat, our shapes danced around each other, gradually feeling my confidence flare, beginning to venture into attacking strikes.

A particularly powerful swipe into my waiting baton caused a stinging vibration to rattle through my bones, a hiss leaving me at the sudden pain.

“Most of the time, you’re going to be the smaller, weaker opponent,” Finn panted through another charge.

I wanted to frown in protest, but he was undoubtedly right.

“So you have to think more strategic. Use their weaknesses against them. Play on your strengths.”

I narrowly darted out the way of his following lunge, an idea immediately springing to mind.

I hadn’t returned the shackles over my Force energy since the last time I’d set it free. These day cycles had allowed me to have it in constant reach, starting to grow accustomed to the way in which it ceaselessly streamed through every portion my body, always ready, forever glinting at the edges of my fingertips.

It was only superficial wounds I’d permitted myself to heal within working hours. Skin lacerations, burns, and one singular broken radial bone had all been delicately mended by my hand. Mostly, I was fearful of exhausting myself, and I wanted to focus on building my stamina, learning the sensations that came with this ability.

I knew I would never fully control it, not really. It was a part of me, and I a part of it, yet it would never truly be mine.

I was merely a conduit, a vessel for it’s influence to expand into the universe. I could direct it’s flow, command it’s strength for own my wills, but it demanded respect, reverence, always reminding me that my claim over its power was a privilege. One I had to earn before my true potential might ever be realised.

And now, it was buzzing through my limbs, voracious for a new challenge.

I let my feet take me backwards, creating distance between Finn’s form and my own, only for the extra time it would allow. My baton dropped to the earth below. A risky move, but a necessary one.

One hand became poised in front of me, shooting the Force outwards until it collided into his weapon. Fingers tensed into a clawing motion, grasping around the thick plastoid and ripping it away from Finn’s grip.

While startled, he still seemed impressed, glancing to me with eyebrows raised.

I returned his expression with my own roguish smirk, my other palm thrusting forward, propelling a brutal flux of energy directly to his chest.

It was more potent than I anticipated, launching Finn off his feet and into one of the tree trunks that surrounded our training area. The impact was loud, a cascade of birds flitting out of the branches above at the sound.

I rushed to his slumped figure as he lay bewildered. “Oh _maker_! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to-”

“That was incredible!” Finn promptly cut off, his eyes wide with excitement. “Why haven’t you done that before?”

I stuttered. “I... I don’t know... I didn’t think of it until now.” My attention shifted when he let out a few wounded groans on moving. “Did I hurt you? I can fix it-”

Another voice broke into the space.

“Alex?”

Lieutenant Connix hesitantly stepped past the boundary of the space, temporarily confused by the scene she’d walked into.

I helped Finn back to his feet, seeing him wince during the movement. “Kaydel, hi! You caught us in the middle of my combat training.”

Her expression was troubled. “I know. I didn’t want to interrupt but... there’s been some new information sent to the comm-team.”

I rushed over to her figure, immediately feeling the traces of worry darting around my mind. “Is it Poe? Is he alright?”

“It’s not actually regarding Commander Dameron.”

Finn was at my side then, joining me in my confusion. “What’s it about then?”

Kaydel bit the inside of her cheek, whatever news she had to deliver clearly causing some distress. “Your parents.”

Dread. Jagged and _excruciating_. It tore through me, seizing my breath.

“Are they alive?” Finn questioned, sensing my catatonic stillness.

The Lieutenant nodded. “It does appear so. The First Order transport logs our informants discovered indicated a direct search for their whereabouts. Eventually, they were found and taken alive.”

Anger spread like wildfire through my blood, the emotion unrestrained in my voice. “Where are they now?”

Again, Kaydel was nervous to speak. “I’m afraid we are yet to trace their current location. A significant portion of the data has been corrupted.”

It was hard to see properly, the blur of rage encroaching at the edge of my vision.

“He... He took them,” I seethed lowly, turning back into the open space of the training area, redundantly hollering into the sky. “My parents Kylo? Really? _My parents_? How _dare_ you! You _motherfu_ -”

“Woah woah woah,” Finn burst, a hand placed cautiously at my upper arm. “It’s okay Alex, we’ll figure it all out.”

“Okay? Nothing about this is _okay_ Finn!”

He creeped around my figure to stand at my front, palms up, calming. “I know. I know it’s not. But your anger is exactly what he wants. It will only make you irrational, desperate, and you leave yourself too vulnerable to make a mistake.”

My exhale was trembling, looking to Finn’s serious expression. “What if he hurts them? It’ll be all my fault.”

“I don’t think that will happen. That’s not his goal here. You. You’re the goal. They’re just bait, something to tempt you. Hurting them wouldn’t be beneficial to that.”

Searching over his eyes, it was the unwavering sincerity within them that started to cool me. “You really think that’s the case?”

Finn nodded, easing his stance. “I was raised by the First Order. I know the games they play. Remember what I told you before? About using your opponent’s weaknesses? He’s using yours.”

“So what do I do?” I pressed. “I can’t just do nothing!”

“You might just have to Alex.”

My mouth formed a hard line, that course of action only seeming like another facet of giving in. Yet it was too rational, too sensible for me to brush aside.

“We’re still keeping our search for them ongoing,” Kaydel remarked, her tone kind. “The _minute_ we have any new information, you’ll be the first to know.”

“Thank you.” I attempted a grateful smile. “I appreciate everything you’ve done so far.”

Her mouth twisted, apologetic. “I’m sorry it wasn’t better news Alex.”

“Me too.”

*

I tossed in my squeaky cot, restless.

The day had left me exhausted. My muscles ached, my mind hazy, yet worry kept me attached to this reality, when all I hoped for was the reprieve of sleep.

And this thin, hard mattress wasn’t helping the situation either.

I could have ventured into Poe’s quarters and settled into the much more comfortable bed housed there, but without him here to join me it felt... wrong.

I didn’t need another reminder that he hadn’t returned yet, and I still didn’t know when he would.

Rolling my body over in a frustrated huff, I began to centre on my breathing.

Slow. Controlled. Filling every pocket of my lungs before letting the exhale go. Eventually, _finally_ , unconsciousness pulled me under.

*

A familiar horizon revealed itself as my lids drew open again, the scene now bathed in moonlight. It was quiet this time, still, barely a ripple in the darkened ocean surface that stretched out far beyond.

Standing at the shore of the beach, my eyes searched over the world above me. Thousands of stars sparkled in the blanket of night, each one casting it’s own image to the water below, an endless sky, so tranquil and pure.

But losing myself within this serenity was impossible. Being here, seeing this vision, only meant one thing.

Perfectly on cue, a discrete energy materialised from behind me, moving closer, yet I didn’t bother to turn and greet the woman who had brought me to this dreamscape.

“Alexys?”

My heart stilled.

It wasn’t her voice that spoke my name.

My feet pivoted, and only when I caught the first glimpse of his face did blood recommence its passage through my body, thumping through my veins.

_Kylo_.

In fleeting, silent moments we were locked into place, his darkened eyes piercing back to mine, lips ever so slightly parted in shock.

And then he moved.

I was frozen, black fabric billowing behind his form as he advanced, features suddenly struck with an urgent resolve.

Before I could resist, arms swallowed my shape into a tight embrace, Kylo crushing me harshly to his chest.

It was just as I remembered.

Warmth. Bodies fitting together seamlessly. A contentment in his severe hold that couldn’t be replicated by anyone else in this galaxy.

A gloved hand guided me to the crook of his neck, his nose nuzzling into my hair, breathing me in through an indulgent inhale.

I took my own, knowing his scent was only a memory, yet still so clear and enticing.

All of a sudden, awareness returned like a crackling bolt of lightning.

The heels of my palms thrust brutally into his torso as I used all the strength I could gather to escape from his clutch.

“Get the _fuck_ away from me,” I hissed.

Kylo granted me the space between us, seeming unsurprised at my reaction, his expression washed with a stoic restraint.

“It’s really you,” he murmured.

“Tell me where you took them,” I demanded, ignoring the entranced edge to his gaze. “My parents. Tell me where they are.”

“Ah. So you know.”

“How could you do this?” I spat. My hands were shaking. “They’re innocent people Kylo!”

I saw his chest shudder at the way I cursed his name.

“I will take you to them. Just tell me where you are.”

My head shook, infuriated at his audacity. “And what? You’ll somehow show enough restraint not to kill the people I’m with? The people you’ve been hunting for _years_?”

“Yes, Alexys. I’ll spare all of their lives if you surrender yourself.” His eyes narrowed. “With one exception.”

“You are absolutely deranged if you think I’d _ever_ agree to that.”

He was oddly amused. “Maybe I am.”

There was a poignant quiet that followed as I watched the slow shift of Kylo’s demeanour. His eyes never left me, tracing the contours of my face, a sadness descending that made my insides clench.

“You need to let me go,” I whispered. “Us... It can never happen. Why can’t you accept that?”

“No one has ever looked at me the way you did,” he declared, the tone painful to hear. “When I touch you... that sensation... I cannot explain it. And you couldn’t either.”

My eyes flickered away. “You think that makes any difference?”

“Yes,” Kylo growled. “Because you don’t feel it with him.”

“That means _nothing_.”

The words had been spoken only from instinct, the truth of them causing my lips to part in shock.

He recoiled, also startled by admittance. Quickly, that dissolved back to anger. “Stop fighting it! Stop pushing it away!”

I kept my face poised. “No.”

“What future could he give you? Domesticity? You are worth more to this galaxy than that Alexys.”

A spasm of anguish clawed through my chest, barely able to breathe through it. “It is none of your business what my future is.”

“Think of the power we could hold,” he appealed, beginning to reach towards my figure. “Think of the change you could bring about, with me. Together.”

“I don’t want that.”

“What is it then? What do you want? Marriage? _Children_? I could give you these things. If that’s what it took to have you at my side.”

“You can’t. No one can.”

Kylo was motionless. “What?”

“That kind of future. I can’t have it. _Because of you_.”

Fingers scratched into the hem of my shirt, tugging it upwards to expose the reddened scar that spanned my abdomen.

“This is what you gave me. When you almost _killed_ me. You took something I can never get back.”

His eyes were wide when they swept over the jagged line of skin. He didn’t speak. Fixated, his face grew strained, jaw tight, a tiny quiver at his lower lip.

My hold on emotion disintegrated, tears starting to spill down my cheeks as the grief I’d been hiding from finally emerged to overwhelm me.

I choked back sobs into my hands. This dream, this hallucination, feeling just as tangible as the real world.

Despair for a life I never knew I hoped for. A choice ripped from my existence.

I would never feel the joy of holding my own child in my arms. See a mirror of my own face gazing up at me. Hear their sweetened laughter.

There was a small stirring of noise, opening my tear stained eyes just as Kylo slumped to his knees before me. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around my hips, drawing them closer, pressing his face to my stomach.

Resentment wanted me to shove him away.

But misery... It kept my figure unmoving, begging for this comfort, needing it so intensely, longing for anything that might soothe the ache pounding inside.

As my fingertips shakily twisted into Kylo’s hair, he clung to my body harder, only causing more whimpering cries to seep out, wholly relenting into the totality of my mourning.

I sensed his movement as he shifted to peer up at me, his expression now unveiling an agony I had yet to witness in all of our time together.

With his stare secured to mine, he rose to his feet. It was when a hand grazed my cheek that I recognised he was now free of his gloves, the bonding of our skin swiftly igniting that indecipherable sensation.

It left me vulnerable. Succumbing completely to sorrow, my world encapsulated by him and him alone.

He leaned forward, daring to touch our lips together...

I was woken with a gentle skim of Poe’s thumb under my eye, wiping away the moisture there, lids fluttering open to his vision perched beside me.

“Alex? What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”


	38. Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I wrote this without the intention of posting it but... here were are.
> 
> Another Kylo POV. Enjoy.
> 
> Also, as hinted by the chapter title, I want to stress a warning for bloodplay.

“Don’t. Move.”

Her words were crisp. Clear. And _threatening_.

We stood, together, in the darkened space of my bedroom, her figure only a step from mine.

The smallest semblance of a dress hugged her shape. A shimmering charcoal. The colour so wonderfully contrasted against supple, smooth skin.

She had been right. I did like her better in black.

Her image was only an imagination. Unattainable reality. Yet her memory was carved in the deepest parts of my mind, making it a simple task to conjure the delicate lines of her face, the unique hue of her irises.

“And if I do?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

I watched her head dip lower, so slightly, glaring at me under curled lashes.

Slender fingers rose in front of me, hanging in the air between us, before a flourish caused them to close.

A stricture became twisted around my throat. Vicious. Strong. Sealing my windpipe closed in the most unbearable way. 

I watched the smirk curl her lips as I struggled to remain unmoved by her action, soon beginning to choke through my breaths, eyes wide with a panic I’d rarely felt before.

In an instant, it was gone. Purely a warning.

She stepped towards me, her exhale so sweet as it drifted over my face. “You disobey me, you will _hurt._ Is that understood?”

“Yes,” I rasped.

That’s what I truly wished for.

Pain.

I needed to feel pain. I needed her to inflict it onto me.

I deserved that. For what I did.

Yet, with her exquisiteness before me, I was also bound by the chains of my desire. I wanted nothing more than to have her skin sliding over mine, to feel our sweat-covered bodies entwined in the most delirious haze of ecstasy.

The planets I would desecrate to hear her scream my name. The death I would leave in my wake to claim her as my own.

Oh, but she wouldn’t want that.

Just my pain. That is what she craved.

When her lips pressed themselves below the line of my jaw, a hand twisting into the base of my hair, it was _agonising_ not to circle my arms around her form. My hands trembled from restraint as she swept gentle kisses down my neck, taking her time, her tongue slipping through to lick so lightly at the skin.

The most potent, sizzling, current of electricity streamed through my system at every second of her touch, a feeble whimper seeping out, my cock hard and pulsing underneath the confines of clothes.

She was already acutely aware of this fact, gliding a palm over the outline of my erection, having to clench my teeth together to refrain from the immediate need to slam her face down into the mattress and slip myself inside of her tight, wet…

“Concentrate, Kylo,” she murmured. “Or you’ll be _punished_.”

She grabbed me harshly through the thick fabric, knowing exactly the pain it would cause, my knees almost buckling from the discomfort of her brutal hold.

Another caution of consequence if I let instinct take over. 

When she let go, her feet took her backwards, scanning me up and down.

“Your clothes. I want them off.”

She’d seen the entirety of my naked body before. The only woman who had. In that scene, the one I’d replayed during late nights and desperate moments, I’d eagerly shed all coverings to expose myself to her.

Yet even within this vision I’d built for myself, I hesitated.

She didn’t like that.

Her hand thrust forward, the ruthless energy streaming from her fingertips circling over every portion of my frame. An immense force overwhelmed me, crushing my insides, her power reverberating through my skull.

“Take off your clothes. _Now_ ,” she hissed, the most delectable cruelty in her voice.

So, I obeyed. First it was my gloves. Then, my bared fingers released the clasp of my belt, letting it drop to the floor. She watched intently as I released myself completely from the coverings of my torso, feeling her gaze burn into every portion of revealed skin.

When she bit her lip, admiring the muscled torso I’d chiselled from years of combat, I foolishly believed I’d gained some strength in our dynamic. Immediately, she proved that notion wrong.

For a woman of such smaller stature, her hit was astonishingly strong, the back of her hand smacking ruthlessly against my cheek.

“ _Don’t_ keep me waiting.”

It was difficult to smother the quiver of my hands as I began to unfasten my trousers, savouring the sting of her hit as it pulsed over the skin.

Soon, the heavy fabric was crumpled at my feet.

My body locked in place, I stood frozen in front of her, completely stripped. Vulnerable.

Within the heat of her stare, I knew she relished in that concept.

“Kneel,” she instructed. I obeyed once more. Keeping my eyes set to hers, I peered up. She’d never appeared so menacing. So powerful.

It overwhelmed me, each muscle tightening, my cock twitching from the ache that had stirred from this entrancingly formidable woman.

She hummed with satisfaction, shifting to take my chin in a tender grasp. “I’m going to make you feel _so_ good. Would you like that?”

I nodded, the sensation that sparked from her fingertips sending a ferocious ripple through my body.

“Ah,” she breathed. “I knew you would. So _needy_.”

“Only for you.”

“That’s right.” A wicked smirk painted her lips. “Only for me.”

She began to move around my kneeling figure, a finger tracing lusciously down my throat, over my shoulder blade, making small flourishes against my back. It’s softness made me shudder.

Alex let out an amused exhale. “You know exactly what’s coming, don’t you? What you’ll have to do to earn me?”

“ _Suffer_.”

A hand tucked my hair away as she leaned to my ear, her words whispered so gently.

“ _Exactly_. No pleasure will come without pain. Now, does my Supreme Leader think he can handle that?”

My length _throbbed_. I was almost breathless when I answered. “I can endure _anything_.”

“Hm, we’ll see about that.”

I listened to the wandering steps as the heels of her shoes clicked on the metal floor. There was nothing I wanted more than to watch the sway of her hips as she walked, but obedience kept me locked in place. There was the sound of a drawer opening, followed by muted rustling, before it was slipped shut.

Her strides were confident as she made her way back to me, returning to my front.

“Wrists out. Hold them together.”

My eyes caught the thin, red rope she had clutched in her hand, feeling my throat grow tight.

_She wanted me helpless._

I extended my arms out, doing precisely as she asked. Without pause, Alex began to coil the weaved twine around the joints, the fit extremely snug. With her torso bent as she worked, my gaze was magnetised to the curves of her breasts.

Studying the smallest bounces that came with her movements, I was hypnotised. Desperate to cup even one of them within my palm, to stroke and play with the hardened nipple swelling into the thin material of her dress.

“Maybe. If you behave.”

So distracted I’d been, that the cover wound over my mind had relinquished its protection of my personal musings. I was about to set myself behind the wall once more when she snatched fingers into my hair, tugging the strands so unkindly my eyes begin to water.

“ _No_. Don’t you _dare_ keep me out,” she seethed. “I want to hear every _pathetic_ thought.”

Wordless, I allowed the internal effort to relax, my mind unveiled for her to witness. Knowing she could see the images I summoned, my imagination flashed with scenes of entanglement, the way I wanted to _fuck_ her, to drive myself so hard into her cunt that my name would shatter the room when she screamed the word.

Alex couldn’t hide the way that she was tantalised by that vision, her following breath deep and composing. Soon, she began to shake her head.

“That’s not behaving, is it now?”

She straightened her posture and slunk around my figure. Every action was so quiet, no doubt purposefully, barely noting a single noise before there was the subtle whistle of an object being flayed through the air.

With it came a sudden, _excruciating_ pain, the skin of my back pierced and _bleeding_.

I jolted forward at the sting, biting my lip to smother the hiss of discomfort.

Another strike cut into my flesh. Unable to strangle my reaction, I groaned, my heart beginning to race as adrenaline surged through my system.

Five more blows. Five more puncture sites.

Each one was crueller than the last. My tormented shouts growing louder. I could feel the trickle of warm blood dripping down, a stinging sensation pulsating outward from each wound.

My vision was blurry with restrained tears when Alex stepped into my view, wielding an expression of feigned sympathy.

“Oh, Kylo. Does that hurt?”

I had to give an answer, lest another laceration be branded on my flesh. For an indistinguishable reason, I chose honesty.

“Yes.”

Her smile faded, irises wild with contempt. “ _Good_.”

It was when she prepared herself for another swing, I caught sight of her weapon. One, long, thinned cane, its end adorned with a curled piece of leather, the edges metallic and _sharp_.

I flinched away from her strike as it lanced the skin of my chest. I moaned through the agony, my breaths heaving as the bite of pain slowly subsided.

“You made me bleed too,” she rumbled. “Remember that?”

I nodded, the action slow and shaky. “I’ll never forget.”

She didn’t offer any reaction to my words, instead drifting a finger over the most recent of her inflictions, collecting some of the red liquid that had seeped out. Bringing the tip to her face, studying it for a moment, I recoiled when she enveloped the digit in her mouth.

The way her lips pursed as she sucked the blood clean was _delectable_ , feeling my cock spasm, redundantly wrestling the restraints bound around my wrists.

An eyebrow arched as she watched me struggle. “A little restless, are we?”

I exhaled hard, trying to reign in my craving.

Her mood shifted. “ _Stand_. I think you’ve earned a little reward.”

My insides burst into flames, so urgently greedy at the possibility of any gift she might bestow on me. Rising to my feet, the tremor in my legs was obvious, having to centre all of my focus on suppressing the quiver in my limbs.

I was gripped by insatiable relief when Alex sank into the position I had just been released from, but she cut through it remorselessly when her next words came.

“Eyes to the ceiling. You don’t get to watch. And don’t make a single _fucking_ sound, or I’ll stop.”

With embedded instinct, the fury that constantly sizzled underneath sparked and flared. She was quick to notice.

“Or I can not give you anything at all,” she growled, feeling the whispers of her breath float over my throbbing length.

My voice was wavering, tormented. “ _Please_ ,” I begged, rocking my head back to stare at the durasteel above. “I... I’ll be good.”

“Oh come now, Kylo. You don’t know the meaning of that word.”

Hands balled into fists, loathing the truth she spoke so sweetly, I was somewhat startled when she continued.

“But we can change that.”

Her tongue swirled silkily over the head of my cock, cleaning it free from the essence that had been slowly leaking with every second of her company.

A raptured moan sat heavy in my lungs, pleading to be released, but my resolve was strong. Unmoving, unflinching, I kept myself impossibly still through the chaos of pleasure blooming within my mind.

She became ravenous, gliding her mouth and tongue over the entire span of my dick, over and over, the sensation utterly intoxicating. I could barely keep my head straight, straining to keep myself standing, muscles twitching out of my own realm of influence.

And through it all, I was so desperate to set my eyes down, to see her plush, pink lips swallowing me whole.

Alex was careful, using the opportunity of my unobstructed thoughts, slowing her pace when she could sense I was about to fall apart.

She knew exactly what she was doing.

And it was _torture_.

Again and again, she brought me the edge, bliss narrowly within my reach, before pulling herself from me, freeing all connections, crashing bitterly from the high every single time. 

“Don’t let it happen Kylo,” she warned in-between another round of torment. “Or you won’t get _fuck_ me. And I’ve been waiting so _patiently_ for you.”

Just the thought of it while she resumed the luscious caress of her tongue over my hardness was enough to destroy every semblance of command I had.

A violent moan broke free, shuddering through the pleasure she unrelentingly awakened. Instead of immediate retribution, Alex didn’t slow her motions, feeling her hands creep up the back of my thighs, clutching the flesh of my rear, the skin moist with blood that had oozed down.

Nails dug in mercilessly as she enveloped my length to the absolute limit, the tip shoved into the opening of her throat. And somehow, holding down the urge to gag and choke on the occlusion, she hummed.

The vibration was exhilarating, setting my nerve endings alight in a cascading wave of indulgence.

I was close. _So close_. Seconds away from spilling hot cum into her mouth.

In a daze, I couldn’t register her swift movements. Yet suddenly, an open palm was thrashing into my cheek, callous and scathing. My own blood slashed across my face.

“So _undisciplined_ ,” she spat. “Losing control so easily.”

“I’m… I’m sorry,” I panted weakly, her strike still scorching my skin. “It won’t happen again.”

A bloodied hand grazed the line of my jaw. “Is that so?”

Her grip became curled around my throat, driving me backwards until my legs collided with the edge of the mattress, forcing me down onto my back. 

I watched in awed disbelief as she climbed to sit over my lap, still suffocating me with her clutch. The blackened material that had been barely covering her slipped up her thighs, my mouth watering at the prospect at seeing even the smallest glimpse of the panties beneath.

With a sinful smirk, Alex moved to rub herself over my length. Instantly, I realised.

She wasn’t wearing any.

Wet. She was so _fucking_ wet.

Gliding effortlessly over my shaft. Slow. Sensual.

The oxygen deprivation smouldering inside my chest was worth it. To feel this. To feel the raw heat radiating from her.

I began to whimper and groan as she glided her slit up and down. I was defenceless. Sapped of my determination. Giving in wholly to the longing that ached within.

Voicing the words out loud was impossible, still fighting for the opportunity of a breath.

_Please._ **_Please_ ** _let me fill you._

I knew she’d heard my unspoken plea from the way her lips parted only for a moment, features turning tight with restraint.

She captured my still bound wrists and wrenched them to lay above my head, leaning in close, her body fitting into mine.

“Weak,” she uttered as I sucked in a severe inhale. “What are you Kylo?”

The answer came easily. “ _Weak._ Because of you.”

“Well,” she whispered, a smile peeking through, “At least you admit it.”

One hand slithered down, the other keeping me confined.

The next moment brought pure, unadulterated paradise.

Warm. Tight. _Perfect_.

A low whine seeped from her lips as I was sheathed inside, feeling her walls clench and pulse around me. I could see it. Her composure was lost.

“Oh _f-fuck_.”

I seized my chance.

With brutish force, I bucked my hips upwards, _hard_. She squealed. I followed with more feral thrusts, my inhibition dissolved, taking as much of her as I could get before the sensation of her drenched cunt was stolen away.

But that didn’t occur.

Instead, the restriction of my wrists came loose. She’d pulled the knot, rope slackening enough for my freedom.

My fingers became swiftly entwined within her hair, forcefully drawing her lips to mine, kissing her violently. She mirrored every one of my actions, nails digging into my scalp, grinding her hips to match my momentum.

Over and over I rammed my firm cock past the boundary of her entrance, moaning into her mouth as the ecstasy raced through my bloodstream. Her whimpers and cries grew louder, plainly relenting into this scene of decadence.

Some portion of authority arose when she dug her thumb into the wound she’d made in my chest, the pain ricocheting down my limbs so starkly that I stilled, shouting an unintelligible curse into the air.

“You want to _come_ Kylo? Huh? You want to _come_ inside me?”

I couldn’t hide the pathetic nature of my voice. " _Yes_. _Maker_ , yes. _Please_. Alex, I’ll do anything. I need it. I _need_ you to make me _come._ ”

There was an unnerving silence that followed.

Eventually, a lone finger traced gently over the side of my face, Alex’s eyes now soft with a subtle glow of despair. “I’ll let you _come_. But then… you have to let me go.”

My answer was instinctual. Simple.

“No.”

The world around me faded. I was jolted from my imagining, sweat clinging to my skin. Unfulfilled. A caustic pain still burning my soul.

_No. I wouldn’t let her go._


	39. Gravity

I sat up instantly, hands reaching out to snatch at Poe’s dirtied flight suit, yanking his face close to mine.

“Take me to your quarters. Take me there and _fuck_ me.”

He was stunned, dumbstruck, only a few stuttered sounds escaping his throat. I seized the opportunity of his silence to set my lips onto his, kissing him roughly.

Initially, he relented into the way my mouth enveloped his, twisting fingers into my hair, a palpable relief radiating off his shape.

Yet suddenly, he pulled away. One hand floated down the side of my face, his thumb wiping away a new tear that had broken free.

He was about to speak, his expression teeming with a heartbreaking look of concern, when I cut through once more.

“Please. _Please_ Poe,” I begged. “I _need_ you. Right now.”

The bondage of his worry was released by my pleading voice, the air around him shifting harshly. Arms were quick to scoop under knees and around my torso, Poe pulling me tightly to his chest before standing, effortlessly carrying my body off the cot and out of the caved quarters.

Cradled in his embrace, we continued our frenzied kiss, a hand grazing over the stubble that had grown during his absence. The world around me was a blur, my focus centred solely on the man, _this man_ , who held me so securely within his arms.

“I missed you,” he rasped, somewhat breathless as he walked.

“Me too,” I replied hurriedly. “Every minute. Every _single_ second.”

I needed to show him that. I needed to feel the comfort only he could bring.

His warmth. His touch. His kiss.

Our lips refused to disconnect as Poe’s clutch remained strong around my body, manoeuvring us all the way to his quarters, caring little for if anyone were to catch sight of this reunion. When he finally set my feet down I rushed to start unclipping the fastenings that shielded his bare skin from mine, but was halted by a pair firm hands around my wrists.

“Hey, hey wait a minute,” he said, such sweetened worry in his voice. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

My lower lip trembled. “I… I don’t want to. I just want _you_.”

Poe released his grip to cup my face in his palms. “Please. Alex. _Sweetheart_. I need to know what’s making you _cry_.”

I wasn’t going to tell him the true reason. Not this time. I couldn’t.

“My parents,” I sniffled. “He took them. We don’t know where.”

Poe’s expression instantly turned vicious, stained with a blistering anger.

“I’m going to _fucking_ kill him.”

He went to move past my shaky figure, reaching for the keypad of the door, when I snatched onto his arm.

“No!” I cried. “Please don’t leave again!” I tugged hard on the limb, my voice pathetic in its begging. “I need you to stay with me. I need _you_.”

When he looked to me again the rage was already banished from his features, watching them slowly soften.

Poe reached out, encircling the safe haven of his arms around my body. I let myself become completely surrounded by his sturdy frame, pressing my face into his chest. The scent of scorched oil and spiced sweat was potent, but so comforting. It was so undeniably _him_.

“When did you find out?” he asked gently, stroking my hair.

“Today.”

I felt him tense against me. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here.”

“You’re here now,” I whimpered.

Poe let out a deepened exhale, releasing his hold to gaze down at me. “You’re right.”

His lips converged with mine, the motion of them so tender as he began to gently usher me towards the bed.

I attempted once again to fiddle with the annoyingly complicated fastenings of his flight suit as we moved, but he stopped me.

“No no,” he whispered, scattering a few dainty kisses on the offending fingers. “Let me take care of you. This is all I’ve thought about for _days_ , and I... I want to savour it.”

There was a question within his following stare, if this was something I wanted too.

Heart thumping inside my chest, I nodded.

Poe guided me backwards, helping to carefully lay me down on the mattress. He straddled himself over my hips, palms unconsciously roaming over my skin as we kissed, his tongue slipping through to explore my mouth. It was inhibited, discreet, more soothing than heated.

Yet that didn’t stop sparks from glinting down below, the warmth brought from reborn flames weaving through my limbs, bringing with it a calming shift.

Lips drifted down my neck, the sensation so caring and delicate, causing a shiver to ripple over my skin.

“Has my girl been good while I was away?” Poe murmured.

I knew what he meant, yet that didn’t prevent the cold pang of guilt to strike.

“Y-yes,” I mewled as his hand reached under the fabric of my night shirt, hoping the quiver in my voice wasn’t obvious. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

He hummed, the sound drenched with satisfaction. “Oh you’re _such_ a good girl.” A thumb grazed over my hardened nipple, a feeble whine leaving me at the petite movement.

Poe’s face met mine. “I have to apologise again.”

My lips parted, eyebrows crinkling. “Why?”

“I didn’t have the same restraint.”

There was a tantalized smile that curled my lips. “You didn’t huh?”

Poe gently shook his head, the tenor of his voice delving into a captivating vibrato. “Oh _hell_ no. Because whenever I tried to sleep, all I could think about was…”

He melted his mouth onto mine.

“These lips...”

My shirt was slipped upwards, exposing my torso entirely to the cooled night air. Poe shimmied himself down my figure, mouth hovering over my chest.

“These tits…”

He moistened a bud with his tongue, circling over it, before gripping both breasts within a sensuous grasp, massaging the flesh.

Before I had time to relish his touch, he was slipping further downwards, skilfully taking my shorts down as he moved. He released me fully from the piece of clothing, dipping down in between my legs.

“Oh and when I thought about this pussy…” His nose skimmed over the line of my slit, breathing me in, his hot exhale making me shudder. “It was just… too overwhelming.”

“How unfair,” I pouted as Poe began to litter small kisses over the inside of my thighs. “Here I was saving myself for you.”

“I’m sorry _baby_.” A finger trailed lazily over the line of my folds before hooking under the fabric that covered them. I jolted slightly when Poe’s tongue delved into the juices seeping at my entrance. The groan that rumbled from his chest was _intoxicating_. “But remembering this taste? _Fuck.._. I just couldn’t help myself.”

A whimpering cry was all I could respond with as he began to softly lick and suck on the pulsing flesh, dancing around the sensitive nub that _ached_ for even an ounce of stimulation. I grinded my pelvis on his face, feeling the stubble of his jaw scrape against my skin, attempting to encourage his attention on where I needed him most. 

“Patience _sweetheart_ ,” he whispered. “ _Relax_. Let me make you feel good.”

I scowled. “I’ve been more patient than you have.”

He breathed a low chuckle. “True. Very true.” He caught my gaze, seeing his lips glistening with my essence. “So let me make it up to you.”

Stares locked, he made one long stripe upwards, quickly sending me into a haze of decadent bliss. I couldn’t keep my eyes on him as his mouth began to draw every carnal moan possible past my throat. My back arching, fingers clinging to the sheets, Poe took his time, occasionally flicking the tip of tongue over my swollen clit. Every instance brought an eruption of pleasure, a light sheen of sweat already clinging to my skin.

I could feel his smirk every single time I eagerly bucked my hips, muscles in my thighs and abdomen twitching and spasming. His fluent movements were so natural, almost automatic, like pure instinct was leading him, his energy radiating an indulgent glow. As if he was enjoying this as much as I did.

Suddenly, he pulled himself away, freeing me from my panties. My lids fluttered open to watch as Poe sat back on his haunches, scrunching his sleeves up his forearms before diving back down, his expression deliciously determined. While his lips promptly returned to their previous location, I soon felt the sensation of fingertips exploring my edges, teasing, before they glided effortlessly into my core.

“Oh _fuck_!” I whined.

“You like that _sweetheart_?” he purred. “You like when I fill you with my fingers?”

“ _Yes_. Oh _maker_ , yes!”

“What about, when I do this?”

Smoothly, he started to slide the digits in and out with an exhilarating curl, the tips rubbing against a portion of my insides I never knew could incite such ecstasy. 

I was instantly breathless, mouth gaping open with a vulgar squeal.

“Oh _yes_ ,” Poe growled. “I think you _really_ like this.”

He continued the concentrated motion with incredible precision, still swirling his tongue over my clitoris, moans turning obscene as my mind clouded with a swiftly building surge of electricity.

“ _That’s it_ , Alex,” he urged. “Let it happen. _Come_ for me. _Come_ on my fingers. I want to taste it, taste _all_ of your cum.”

A coarse whine streamed past my lips as I careened headfirst into a spark filled euphoria, my stomach tensing, making me sit upwards just to catch the sight of Poe’s head crushed between my thighs. Allowing myself to surrender into the wonderful ripple from bliss pounding outwards, my lids shut, freefalling into the most heavenly abyss.

And I waited.

I waited for the connection to reveal itself.

Yet… there was nothing.

No consciousness to reach out to.

Not even a whisper of his distinct energy.

My breath left me as I began to realise.

_I was disappointed._

A warm hand caressed my cheek, my mind entering back into the reality around me, dazed. I was met with Poe’s enchanting brown irises, the pupils wide. It still took a few moments to realise he’d stripped himself bare, draped over my figure, his balmy skin joined to mine without obstruction.

“It’s okay,” he said faintly. “If _it_ happened…”

I could only shake my head, unable to form coherent speech. Thankfully I didn’t need to, Poe’s features beaming into an enlivened smile before his kiss consumed me. My awareness was swiftly dragged to the sensation of his firm cock grinding against the slick line of my folds, static shocks being set off as it skimmed over my now over-sensitive clit.

Within a singular, velvet motion he filled me completely, a rousing groan vibrating into my neck.

“ _Fuck_ , I missed this,” he growled, staying motionless. “I missed this _perfect_ , tight pussy.” His hips began to roll into me, slowly, carefully. “Did you miss it too Alex? Did you miss my cock?”

My voice was still lost within the depths of my chest, the only sound I could offer an agreeing hum.

Poe chuckled. “A little speechless there?”

_Words, Alex. Use your words._

“It… It was just… so good.”

Lips brushed at the line of my jaw, his exhale overflowing with gratification. “You ready for more?”

“Yes… Please _fuck_ me… _Hard_ …”

_Hard enough for me to forget_.

He nipped at my throat with a carnal growl, feeling him spasm inside of me. It was somewhat startling when he shifted upwards to sit straight, spreading my legs as wide as I would tolerate, keeping his whole length sheathed within my core.

Again, he was still. Studying me. Lips parted. I tried to identify the emotion filtered in his features, yet all I could come up with was… awe.

I didn’t deserve it.

“The shirt. Take it off,” he instructed, voice low. “I want to see all of you.”

I obliged, lifting the material over my head somewhat ungracefully, Poe’s hold on my thighs keeping my pelvis firmly in place, keeping _him_ in place.

The shirt dropped to the floor with a muted rustle, my gaze returning to the liquor brown eyes staring down at me.

There was a trembling breath that shuddered through him. “ _Stars_ Alex. You… You are so _beautiful_.”

While a reflexive heat blushed my cheeks, an ache ricocheted in the centre of my chest.

_He’d never said that before._

My returning smile was weak, quivering, barely able suffocate the demanding urge of tears to form at the corner of my eyes.

His initial thrust was measured, guiding himself in and out so precisely. He watched the action closely, groaning harshly at the raw sight. Evidently, it made him lose whatever restraint he’d been clinging to.

It was _punishing_ , the pace that followed, Poe slamming into me harder as the seconds flickered by. It was almost painful, in the most delicious way, how he relentlessly pounded into my increasingly wet cunt. The sounds I began to make were not born of my own will, the cries and whines turning vulgar and _loud_.

Suddenly a pair of fingers were stuffed into my mouth, the tangy taste of my own juices still lingering.

“Suck. Get them wet,” Poe panted, refusing to concede his merciless rhythm. I obeyed, squeals momentarily muted as I swirled my tongue over the roughened skin. When they were stolen away, the fingertips were set onto the pulsing bundle of nerves down below, circling over it, fire shooting through my veins.

The combination of his movements conquered my senses, a second climax becoming within my reach so swiftly.

“You’re going to come with me, yeah?” He leaned forward to drive into my centre harder, _deeper_ , his other hand coiling around my throat, face hovering just above my own. “You can do it _sweetheart_. _Come_ again. _Come_ with me. _Come_ all over my cock.”

Poe had to squeeze hard on my neck to strangle the resulting scream that wished to burst as another blissful orgasm exploded throughout my insides.

Once more… No connection.

It was gone.

Whatever link that fused Kylo and together in these vulnerable moments, it had vanished from existence.

“Oh _yes_ , that’s my good girl,” Poe grunted, pulling my focus back, before his breaths faltered. “Oh- Oh _fuck-_ ”

No more words ensued, just a collection of impure moans, his lips crashing into mine, the kisses sloppy and desperate. With a few final thrusts, he slumped into my shape, heaving relieved breaths.

“That… That was _incredible_ ,” he murmured after a few minutes of quiet. Rising slightly to meet my face, his smile was the only thing to soothe the torment still ceaselessly squeezing on my lungs. My palms found their way to his cheeks as he glowed with a warming satisfaction.

A thumb grazed over Poe’s cheekbone.

My eyebrows creased.

Under the line of my touch…

 _Blood_.

I withdrew my hands, the red liquid smeared over his skin where it had been bonded with mine.

Eyes flew to my open palms.

More. More dark, crimson blood. Dripping down.

I shoved Poe off my body, almost tumbling away from the bed, and rushed through the door of the connected ‘fresher. The heavy fluid was still coating my skin as I thrust my hands under the water stream of the basin tap. I attempted to rid myself of it under the flow, trying to see where the blood was seeping from.

But there were no lacerations, no wounds. And it wouldn’t go away, no matter how hard I scrubbed.

Poe had followed after me, dashing to my side. “What’s wrong? Alex are you alright?”

“The blood! Look! It’s all over my hands!” I shrieked.

He gripped around my wrist, inspecting the area. “Blood? I don’t see any blood.”

I looked up to his bewildered expression, forcing it closer. “It’s right there!”

Yet as my own gaze drifted back to my palms, they were clean. Not a drop in sight. The evidence had disappeared from Poe’s face too, my eyes skimming over where the liquid had previously been spread.

My respirations grew short and sharp, a familiar panic building from within as I fixated on the frightened expression he now wore.

Tears started to spill. “Poe… I… I can’t… I don’t know what’s happening to me…”

He was quick to pull me into his embrace. “Hey, _shhh_. It’s okay. You’re okay. I’ve got you.”

I was shuddering as I clutched at him, fear keeping my sobs from breaking. For a while, he just held me. Silent. Soothing.

Yet eventually I felt him begin to move, keeping me safe within his arms, leading to the small enclosure of the shower. I jolted as the chilled water hit my shape, Poe quickly moving in front of the spray to shield me from the cold. When the water was finally heated, he steered me into the stream.

I immersed myself within the sensation of scorching hot water, hoping it would burn away the anxiety that was wrapping tightly around my whole body.

“Turn.”

I did as he asked, facing the wall, hearing a clutter of movement behind me. “What are you doing?” The strain in my voice was obvious, and it made me wince.

“Returning a favour,” he replied tenderly. Fingers were then gently stroking through my dampened hair, spreading a slippery liquid over the strands.

Just as I went to speak, he interrupted me.

“ _Shhh_ ,” Poe hushed. “I said it before. Let me take care of you.”

He began to massage my scalp, the action sending a wonderful tingle downwards, all the way to the end of my limbs.

We were silent as he lathered the soap over my tresses, my mind relishing each separate swirl. It was when he tilted my head back to rinse the shampoo that I was transported back.

A moment in our past that seemed like such a distant memory.

When he was just my patient. And me, just the woman who kept him alive.

So much had happened. So much had changed.

Amongst the challenges we’d overcome, the ones that sill persisted, we were together.

I had him. He had me.

With that realisation, there was only one thing I wanted to say.

“I love you,” I whispered.

The elation that shimmered from behind me was as tangible as a strong gust of wind skating over every nerve at the surface of my skin. Poe curled his arms around my waist, wrenching me close, lips at my ear.

“I love you too.”

I meant the word. I _truly_ meant it.

Yet still, a part of me was all too aware that it might not be enough.

The gravity of fate had forced us in each other’s orbit. Clinging so close together for this brief fragment of time. But something told me, in the deepest chasm of my mind, our paths were destined to diverge again.

*

It was mindless, the way I floated the assortment of Poe’s tools in the air before me, sitting under his X-Wing as he worked on exchanging the repulsor lift discs that had burnt out during his last excursion.

“It’s been too long Poe,” I urged. “Something’s wrong. Rey usually gives updates within the week.”

He picked a wrench out from my invisible hold. “I know. But Rey said herself this search might take a long time.”

I grumbled under my breath. “You didn’t seem this patient the morning after you crashed on my doorstep.”

One month had passed.

And it had been worryingly... Uneventful. Not to say my time hadn’t been thoroughly filled.

Working as a Resistance medic. Healing both with my powers and without. Learning. Feeling out the extent of my gift.

Training with Finn. Slowly building my combat skills. Although, my aptitude in firing a blaster still left much to be desired.

Acclimating into the base. Becoming a competent member of rebellion. Familiarising myself with war strategies, battle manoeuvres, listening to Rose as she spoke about the capabilities of all the weapons and tech at our disposal.

Researching with Beaumont. Discovering more and more every day about the calamitous history of this galaxy and its ties to the Force that I had buzzing through my limbs.

Poe rolled his eyes, thinking I couldn’t see. “That was back before we were trying to _prevent_ a First Order dictatorship. And we both know how that turned out.”

I couldn’t help but scowl. “So what? Now time isn’t a factor?”

“That’s not what I’m implying,” he huffed. “Of course we want to take back control of Coruscant as soon as possible. But there’s nothing we do but wait until Rey brings back what she went searching for.” He poked his head out from under the hull to look at me, a sternness to his features. “Stop worrying. Rey is fine, and more than capable. She’d tell us if she needed help.”

“You know I might be able to help too if you told me exactly what she’s searching for,” I pressed, returning his serious gaze.

Poe exhaled hard, escaping back to his tinkering. “I’m not having this argument again Alex.”

“Well I want to.” I stood, tools dropping to the ground as my concentration dissolved. “I might know something! I might be able to figure out a connection to this _thing_ that’s linked to the Force. If I just knew what it was-”

“ _Alex_ ” he groaned. “We can’t. General’s orders. It’s just too risky.”

My voice dipped, irritated. “Our minds haven’t connected even _once_ in over a month Poe. There is no risk anymore.”

“You don’t know that for sure.”

I didn’t. But it wasn’t for lack of opportunity that the link hadn’t resurfaced.

Like giddy, love-struck teenagers, Poe and I could barely keep our hands from each other. Everyday he was on base, sometimes _multiple_ times a day, the bridging of a connection during that… _vulnerable state_ was a possibility. But it never occurred.

I was close to certain the connection had been severed for good. Even when I had no reasonable assumption as to why. I would have asked the hooded woman, what purpose this clear division of our psyches had to the future she’d spoken of. Yet, her presence had also eluded me in the weeks that passed.

“Ah _frack_!” Poe suddenly shouted. He recoiled from the engine space, more curses spilling out.

“What have you done this time?” I stepped close to where he’d hunched over, clutching his hand to the other. “Come on, let me look.”

Still wincing from the pain, he extended the palm to me. A deep slice had cut through, the metal he’d swiped across jagged and extremely sharp.

“You should really be more careful,” I muttered.

He wasn’t impressed. “Yeah, _thanks_. Super helpful. I’ll remember that for next time.”

“Oh hush. Here, let me fix it.” My fingers coiled around the flesh of his hand, letting a subtle torrent of energy slip from the tips. It used to take a decent amount of my stamina to perform this kind of healing, yet now it felt as effortless as breathing. I wiped away the blood that had seeped out, showing him the newly formed scar.

No matter how many times I saw it, Poe’s warming smile always made my heart jump into a new beat. 

“Thanks _sweetheart_ ,” he cooed, setting his lips to mine with a sweetened kiss.

“You’re very welcome. Now, I have to get back to work. But that discussion we were having isn’t over, you hear me?”

“You’re really not going to let this go huh?”

I shook my head with a smirk. “Not until I get my way.”

He sighed. “I don’t know why I expected any different.”

“Well that was a mistake-”

My speech stopped, all attention seized.

A glimmer. The tiniest of sparks.

Over Poe’s shoulder my stare searched the people scattered over the base, their auras usually fading into the background of my thoughts.

Not this time, it seemed.

My focus snapped to the woman I knew as Karé Kun, Snap’s wife, a fellow Black Squadron pilot, as she conversed with one of the ground engineers.

I saw it. At her stomach. A small glow… of new life.

“ _Oh my stars_ ,” I gasped.

“What? What’s wrong?”

Eyes wide, my gaze shot to Poe. “Do me a favour. Go and find Snap for me and send him to the medic tent. Right now.”

He cocked his head in understandable confusion. “But why?”

“I’ll explain later!” I urged, already moving past his shape. “Just do it!”

My feet hurried towards the darker skinned woman, blonde hair weaved into a delicate bun at the nape of her neck. With a small tap to her shoulder, she turned to greet me with a grin.

“Karé? Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?”

“Alex! Yes of course! Are you playing messenger for Commander Dameron again?”

I tried to hide the hesitation in my voice. “No, not today. There’s just… something I need to talk to you about. Privately.”

Her eyebrows furrowed. “Is something wrong?”

“Oh no, not exactly. It depends on what you consider as ‘wrong’.”

“Okay…” She regarded me with a suspicious frown. “Well go on then, out with it.”

My mouth twisted, suddenly gripped by anxiety at the prospect of revealing this life-altering news. I leaned in close, keeping my voice at a whisper.

“I think… I think you might be pregnant.”

I watched as her lips parted, shocked, long seconds passing before she could speak again.

“W-what? How can you tell?”

One of my hands gestured to the lower portion of her abdomen, seeing the gentle glitter of energy still shimmering away. “I can sense Force signatures. And there’s a new one, right there.”

Karé’s breathing started to turn rapid, this revelation evidently a complete surprise. “Are you sure? Are you sure that’s what it is?”

“I mean, I’m fairly certain that’s what I can see. But I’ll need to do a proper blood exam to confirm.”

Her hands grasped harshly onto mine. “Can we do it now? I need to know!”

“Of course Karé! Come with me.”

We walked hastily to the medic tents, settling her into one of the exam spaces as I quickly began the process of collecting a blood sample. She was nervous, lost in contemplation while I went about my work, leaving us in silence until I fixed a small dressing over the needle site.

“It’ll just take a few minutes for the test to process, okay?”

She nodded, not meeting my eyes.

Eventually, the blood configurator dinged, the result written starkly on the holo-screen.

Positive.

And it was selfish. For me to have the stomach-turning dread that was twisting knots through my insides as I returned to stand before Karé’s restless figure.

When she looked up to my face, I formed the most soothing, pleasant smile I could muster.

“The result came up positive Karé. You’re going to be a mother.”

She could only stare back at me, shell-shocked, as I watched the beginnings of tears form.

My hand skimmed over her arm, rubbing it gently. “Is this… not good news?”

Karé breathed in a trembling inhale. “It is. _Of course_ it is. Snap and I always talked about having children. But, it was when the war was _over_. Not now. Not when we’re stuck on this base with _death_ facing us on every mission.”

Perfectly on cue, her husband poked his head through the curtain of the tent, his expression concerned.

“Hey, Poe said I needed to be here for something- Karé what’s wrong?” He rushed to her side, wiping away a single tear that had slipped down the cheek.

“I’ll give you two some privacy,” I remarked, moving to slip past the entrance. I was physically startled when Poe stood there waiting for me.

“Woah, you scared the _frack_ out of me! What are you doing here?”

He arched an eyebrow, like the answer was obvious. “I wanted to see what the fuss was about? You made it seem so important.”

“It was. I mean it _is_ ,” I said quietly, ushering us away from the exam area. “But it’s not something I can talk to you about.”

Poe’s expression grew serious. “Alex, if there’s something affecting my squad, especially regarding their health, you need to tell me.”

“Don’t try and pull rank on me about this. It’s doctor-patient confidentiality. You know I can’t breach that.”

There was a charged moment as he looked back at me, thinking over my words, before he huffed. “ _Ugh_. Fine. You’re right.”

I recoiled in fake disbelief. “What did you just say?”

His eyes nearly rolled out of his head. “Don’t get used to it.”

I was about to reply with my own witty retort when the canvas entrance burst open, both Snap and Karé’s expression in stark contrast to how I’d viewed them last.

“We’re going to have a baby!” Snap announced, positively luminous with glee.

It was the resulting delight that I saw take over Poe’s face that made a heavy despair sink deep into my chest, wishing the ground beneath would split under my feet and swallow me whole.

*

I felt nauseous.

While the rabble of Resistance members around me was lost in their celebration, I couldn’t have felt more ill.

Because, as the evening passed by, Poe just kept _looking_ at me.

The emotion behind every glance? I couldn’t name it. But it made my whole body ache with such a desolate anguish every single time his eyes caught mine, one I had to smother with forced smiles and insincere excitement.

Soon, the decision was made.

I had to tell him. Tonight.

I’d hidden the truth for too long.

Yet before I had the chance to build enough courage for a discussion I would never truly be prepared for, Poe’s hand gripped onto mine.

“Can you come with me? I need to talk to you.”

Throat tight, I nodded.

Poe lead me through the base, his silence unnerving me further, my heartbeat hammering through my limbs as I took every step. Soon, we were standing in an open landing area, only the stars above illuminating the night that circled us.

I desperately tried to keep my breaths steady. “Poe? What are we doing out here?”

He was unusually stoic, his jaw tense, looking to me with such undeniable purpose in his eyes.

“Just, don’t interrupt me for a little while okay?”

“Sure. Okay,” I all but squeaked.

Intertwining our fingers together, he let a long exhale seep past his lips.

“Alexys… I’ve spent my whole life trying to live up to the precedent my parents set for me. To fight for what I believe in. To fight for the future this galaxy deserves. And in all that fighting I never really understood _why_ I was doing it. I didn’t know what future was waiting for me if the war was won. Until I met you.”

_Oh no._

“With what happened today, it just… it got me thinking. About that future. And what I wanted mine to look like.”

_Don’t do this. Please don’t do this._

“ _You_. I want you. Forever. I want to fight with you. I want to build whatever life we can together. I want you to be the mother of my children. I want…”

His hands slipped themselves from mine, moving to the chain at his neck. Setting the clasp free, he shook the small, silver band loose, picking it between his thumb and index finger and holding the ring out to me.

“I want to marry you. If you’ll have me.”


	40. Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter with significant delay and lowered word count? Yes, this is exactly that.  
> And I know it's silly to feel so guilty about it, but I'm still sorry!  
> I took a bit a break before venturing into more writing because, as it has everyone, this year has kicked my ass, especially regarding my mental health, and I am SPENT.  
> But, thank you all for bearing with me. The plot is going to get a little heavier from now on, so... brace yourself.

_Say it._

_Say **yes**._

_Tell him you want the same._

_Tell him you want forever._

The word didn’t come. I couldn’t speak it. No matter how greatly I longed for the answer to move past my lips, I was silent. Frozen. Staring at the ring held before me with the most indescribable sorrow gnawing at my insides.

Poe broke the stillness, taking one of my hands in his. I could feel the tremor within it.

“I know. I know it’s soon and I… I’ve probably scared you. But with this war, there’s no telling when everything could all fall apart. I just want to call you my wife before that happens.”

My eyes flickered to his, the hope shining in them weakening my resolve to tell the truth that had been weighing heavy on my chest for so long.

But if not now, when?

“Children?” I peeped. “You want children? With me?”

The reflexive expression Poe returned was justifiably perplexed, yet it still melted into a heart-breaking smile. “ _Of course_. As many as you want. You’d be the most incredible mother.”

Such sweetened words, said with purest of intentions, and they struck me with so much vicious pain I almost doubled over. Somehow, I remained upright, lungs burnings, tears waiting.

“Poe… there… there’s something I have-”

**_Alexys._ **

****

**_I need…_ **

****

**_Help._ **

****

My head shot around, instinct causing me to hunt over the world around me. It was pointless, seconds passing into realisation. What I heard was meant for me alone.

But it wasn’t _him_. It wasn’t _her_. It was someone else reaching out.

_Rey._

A separate errant noise had me crashing back into the current scene, hearing BB-8’s deafening screech billow into the night air as he raced towards us.

Poe’s attention was immediately snatched away. “I’m a little busy right now buddy!”

Another mechanical squeal emanated from the droid. “ _Distress signal_! _Activated in wild space_!”

“It’s Rey!” I gasped, causing BB-8 to bob his head in agreement. “She just reached out, through the Force. I heard her voice. She needs help!” I went to move, attempting to release myself from Poe’s grasp, only for him to grip harder, pulling me back.

“Alex, wait! You haven’t given me answer!” He searched over my face, an eager impatience quickly settling into his expression.

I swallowed hard. “I… can’t give you one.”

The harsh descent of Poe’s demeanour was _agonising_ to watch, seeing him glance to the floor, the hand that had held his mother’s ring so earnestly falling to his side.

“You don’t want to marry me?”

“I didn’t say that-”

“Then you do?”

“I can’t say that either-”

“Then what is it then? It’s a yes or no question,” he burst, causing my sudden recoil.

“It is not that simple Poe!” I snapped back. “There’s so much more to consider-”

“Is it because of _him_?”

The hush that pierced the air was ominous, almost menacing, the heat of anger rising quickly in my chest.

“I can’t believe you just asked me that.”

Poe stood firm, barely a flicker of unease across his face. “You’re not denying it.”

“I shouldn’t have to!” I protested. “I’ve chosen you, every time! He means _nothing_ to me anymore!”

He stepped closer, wrapping both my hands in his. “Then choose me once and for all, right now. Say you’ll be mine. Only mine.”

I pulled myself roughly from his hold, only feeling more molten blood moving through my veins. “Is that what this is about? You want to have some kind of _possession_ over me?”

I’d rarely seen Poe looked so offended. “Of course not!” He took a deep exhale, pacing in a circle, collecting himself before looking back, his voice entreating. “I… I am just _so_ _damn_ in love with you Alex. More than I thought I could be with anyone.”

The hand that still had the silver ring perched between fingertips rose in front of him, his stare secured to it as he spoke.

“I saw how _happy_ Snap and Karé looked today. I saw how happy they were on their _wedding day_. Even after all this war has taken, they’re still happy. Because they have each other. The promise of a future together. So I wanted to make that promise with you. And I thought you wanted the same.”

Resentment had so swiftly dissolved as I traced the contours of Poe’s face, the gloom held within his eyes striking me with such a blunt agony.

“I do,” I whispered. “You have no idea how much.” My voice drifted away to nothing, feeling my hands tremble.

_Now. It has to be now._

“I can’t give you the future that you really want. The one you deserve.”

Again, confusion took over. “Alex, you know that’s not true.”

I shook my head, throat already strangled as I desperately held back tears. “There’s something I haven’t told you.”

It was fear that began to shimmer from Poe’s shape as he tentatively stepped forward. “I thought we said no more lies?”

“I know. I know I promised to be honest but… I just hadn’t come to terms with it myself, and a part of me knew that once I told you… that we would be… over.”

“Okay, now you’re scaring me,” Poe murmured, his stare turning darker.

With all the strength I could collect, I finally set free the truth that had been relentlessly dragging on my soul from the day I woke on this planet.

“That future? The one with a family that’s all our own? I’m not able to give you that. Ever.” There was no calming the tears now, as they began to slowly slip down my cheek. “I might have survived that lightsaber attack, but… not all of me did.”

“Are you saying…?”

My head nodded, clutching onto myself as breathing became a difficult action. “I can’t have children.”

Poe’s face was blank, completely devoid of any emotion. Not even his energy could have warned me what thoughts were swirling within his mind, the only thing floating in the air being our dense silence.

“Poe! Alex! What are you two doing out there?” Finn hollered from the edge of the hangar. “Come on! You heard the distress signal right? We gotta get going!”

Poe turned to leave so abruptly I had no opportunity to stop him, rattled by shock as he stormed away without another word. A stuttered sound of disbelief left my throat, more salted droplets falling to the ground below.

There was a softened beep that caught my focus through the haze of misery, BB-8 nudging his balled body into my leg, photoreceptor centred directly to my face.

“ _BB sorry_.”

A few choked sobs escaped, unable to give any kind of reply.

Another gentle whistle seeped from the droid as he rubbed his head against my knee. “ _BB can be baby_.”

Through my weeping, I couldn’t help but let the smallest semblance of a smile form on my lips, before it quickly faded. “Poe wants more than that.”

“ _Poe loves Alex_ ,” he hooted. “ _BB knows this_.”

“I love him too BB. But I don’t think that will be enough.”

*

Settled into the main hold of the Millennium Falcon, I sat rigidly in the holo-table booth, listening to the echoing voices of Poe, Finn and Rose as they completed their pre-flight checks. It was the first time I’d been on any kind of interplanetary trip since being taken to the _Finalizer_ , at least that I’d been conscious for, and the creaks and whines of this old ship wasn’t exactly mending my anxiety.

Leia had been surprisingly amenable to the idea of me joining this rescue, approving of the suggestion almost instantly after learning Rey had reached out to me personally.

“She obviously requires your help specifically Alex. And if she’s hurt, I can’t think of anyone better to send on this mission,” the General had stated.

Her confidence in my abilities would have been warming if not for the fact Poe had yet to utter a word to me during preparations. Every time I glanced to him, seeing him so impassive, it _burned_.

I’d expected anger at my dishonesty. Braced myself for it. Some kind of retaliation. Maybe even grief for the future I’d stolen from him.

Instead… there was nothing. No reaction.

I wasn’t entirely sure which was worse yet.

The ship shook and vibrated around me and my hands instinctively moved to clutch at the table’s edge, gripping tightly to the metal.

Rose spun around in the Engineering station chair, slipping off the headset before making her way to my side, scooting in close.

“You alright?”

“It’s been a while since I’ve done any space travel of my own accord,” I mumbled. “I’ve never found lift-offs particularly easy to endure.”

She rubbed my shoulder soothingly. “If anyone can make a journey run smoothly, it’s Poe. There is a legitimate reason they call him the best pilot in the Resistance.”

I tried to keep my face unmoved, lips in a straight line as I nodded solemnly.

“Oh no,” Rose breathed. “What happened?”

I peeked to her worried expression. “H-how? How can you tell something’s wrong?”

“No smile when I said his name? That’s a big red flag.”

She waited expectantly, eyes gleaming with a trusting radiance. Already so fragile, my bottom lip began to quiver, my exhale trembling and weak.

And I broke.

I collapsed into crossed arms on the surface before me, hoping to drown out my sobbing enough so Poe couldn’t hear from the cockpit. Within seconds Rose was pushing my body out of the booth, ushering me away as I struggled to restrain my crying.

Eventually, I found myself placed on a bunk in the Crew quarters, Rose securing the door behind us before sitting beside me. She didn’t say anything for a long while, allowing me to wallow in my suffering, her palm gently stroking my back.

Soon, without her prompt, I told her everything.

Every detail.

Every fragment of my tormented heart laid bare for her to witness.

When the words finally stopped tumbling from my mouth, Rose was quiet. Thoughtful. Likely a little speechless at all this information being slammed in her direction. Eventually though, she coiled a set of fingers around mine, giving them a squeeze.

“I’m really sorry Alex. About… what happened to you.” Her eyes glanced to my stomach. “I would be devastated too.”

I sniffled, wiping away some of the moisture at my cheeks. “I think Poe hates me for it.”

“He does not _hate_ you,” she corrected severely. “He’s hurt. You did kinda reject his proposal and drop this _huge_ bomb on him.”

“I didn’t reject it. I just… couldn’t give him an answer until he knew everything.”

She cocked her head slightly, contemplating that fact. “Well, he knows now.” Her eyes caught mine, probing. “At the core of it all, forgetting everything else, what _would_ be your answer?”

The following silence was glaring. Seconds kept passing, my breathing slow, and the reply I thought I wanted to express wouldn’t come.

Because I didn’t want to say it.

Rose studied me inquisitively, about to speak again when Poe’s static filled voice came through over the intercom, making us both jolt where we sat.

“Rose? We’re having an issue with the fuel intermixer. Mind having a look?”

She jumped to the comm-unit at the side of the entryway. “I’ll get right on it.” Turning back to me, I could easily sense the reluctance in her energy. “Sorry. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“It’s okay. I’m fine, really,” I assured her, attempting a weakened smile.

Her returning expression was predictably disbelieving. “It’s okay not to be fine, you know.”

With a conceding exhale, I nodded. “I know.”

*

It was a few hours later, and Rose hadn’t returned. Apparently while trying to fix the leaking fuel intermixer she noticed a whole cascade of problems with the sublight engine circuitry, meaning it could spark a fire at any moment. I’d kept myself suitably distracted with the data files Beaumont had finally granted me access to before we’d left, giving me insight to the planet Rey had been searching over all these months.

_Letum_.

A barely hospitable world in an unmapped corner of Wild Space, situated before the Stellar Halo. Discovered only from the collection of a Wayfinder by a certain Resistance Commander, on a mission that was initially thwarted by a particularly familiar crash landing.

There was little to be known about the planet. Only intel that Rey had sent in her travels for a still confidential item of interest. It appeared a thriving cityscape had once stood over the expanse of the surface, yet it had decayed to desolate ruins, lifeforms having not been detected in her scans so far.

She’d described the atmosphere as impossibly dense, overflowing with Force energy. That statement was what worried me most. Because something told me, without any evidence to prove it, that it was a darkness that lurked within this hidden realm. The Jedi rarely ventured so far into such deepened space. The Sith, however, were not so fearful of the remote abyss we were venturing into.

“Hey,” Finn uttered, slinking past the edge of the doorway. “You all good back here?”

I peered up from the datapad. “Sure. Just reading up on our destination.”

“Oh cool. That’s good. Research is… good. Great.”

My eyes narrowed, noticing his slightly awkward demeanour. “Is there something you needed?”

His mouth twisted, seeming increasingly hesitant, before he strode into the gallery and perched himself on the stool. Looking straight to me, his face grew kind.

“Rose may have, uh, let me in on your… _situation_.”

I could feel my stomach turn, eyes widening. “She did _what_?!”

Finn shot both palms up in an attempt to calm me. “It wasn’t her fault! I was asking if she knew what the _hell_ was up with Poe and, well, she’s a horrible liar.”

It was easy to concede to this. Rose really was an open book. “No offense Finn, I don’t really want to talk about it anymore right now.”

“I know, and that’s totally fine,” he soothed. Leaning over, he rested his elbows on his knees, showing me a comforting look. “I just wanted to make sure you knew that if you _did_ want to talk, I’ve been where you are, and would be happy to listen-”

“Wait… what do you mean?”

Eyebrows crinkled, he edged closer. “The _baby_ thing.”

“Huh?”

“You worked on the _Finalizer_ Alex. You gotta know what I’m talking about,” he insisted, exploring my confused expression.

I made the effort to think back, to make some type of sense of what he was implying, but I came up blank. When my eyes shifted back, shaking my head, Finn slowly withdrew in surprise.

“I thought, being in a medical area, you would have already known…” When I remained mystified, he took a purposeful breath. “Those of us who were taken as a part of Project Resurrection. We were all sterilised.”

A numbed sensation of shock trickled through me. “I didn’t… I never looked after Stormtroopers…” I fiddled restlessly with my fingers. “ _Maker_ … I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay!” he assured. “I’ve had a long time to come to terms with it.”

“And have you? Come to terms with it?”

Finn shrugged, settling back against the counter. “I can’t really change it, so yeah, I guess I’ve accepted it in some sense. Doesn’t mean I don’t wish things were different.”

On another day, I would have been less selfish in my questioning. But in the void of doubt that I found myself trapped within, there was only one thing I wanted to ask.

“Do you think… Poe could ever accept it?”

It wasn’t reassuring when Finn became troubled, arms folding tightly against his chest. “Do you want the truth?”

I frowned. “What kind of a question is that?”

“Alright, I know,” he admitted, huffing harshly. “He… he does really hope for a family, you know? You’ve heard how he talks about his parents. It’s pretty obvious he wants what they had.”

There was an indescribable ache that stung deep in my ribcage. “Well, I’m never going to be that for him, am I?” I gestured down to my abdomen. “Not with this…”

Finn became stern, surrounded with an aura I only sensed when he held the most critical of information.

“Family isn’t _just_ your blood Alex. You make your family.”

“He said he wants _children_ , Finn,” I argued. “He said those exact words. How can I deny him that?”

“What else did he say?” he interjected.

I faltered, holding on to my breath.

“Hm? What else did he say Alex?”

My gaze wandered to the floor, mumbling the words out. “That he wanted me. _Forever_. To build whatever life we can together.”

When I moved my eyes up to meet his again, it was clear he was judging my naivety. “I think he’ll be more upset if you were going to deny him _that_.”

Finn stood, walking past my sitting figure and gave me a gentle pat on the shoulder, leaving without saying another word.

I remained in mediation for a long while, churning over a concept that hadn’t quite occurred to me until this moment.

Given the choice, Poe would pick me. He would pick _us_. I was more certain of that than anything else in this universe. He would give up a dream he’s held so dear to his heart, a future that would fulfil and complete him… just for me.

And I wouldn’t be able to live myself if I let that happen.

Maybe the choice wasn’t his to make.

Maybe it was mine.

*

A few more hours trickled by, spent unmoving in a somewhat trance-like state, trying to fathom how I could bring myself to do what I needed to. How I was going to even look Poe in the eye without falling apart.

“Alex?” His voice was hushed over the intercom, my name not having its usual lightness. “We need your assistance with navigation.”

Rising to my feet, I pressed the comm-link button. “I’ll be right there.”

Stepping into the cockpit, it was difficult not be mesmerised by the vast array of blinking switches and controls of very technical looking equipment. Although, even to an extremely unsavvy person such as myself, it was obvious how old some of it was. I was sure some of the mechanisms were constructed long before I was born.

Eventually I was drawn to the view in front of me, looking past the transparisteel into the world below us. It was so… grey. No vegetation. No greenery. Not a living thing to speak of. Just tall, crumbling buildings lining the entire horizon, a gloomy fog hanging low in the atmosphere.

“This place looks inviting,” I muttered. 

Chewie, sitting in the co-pilot’s chair, growled in agreement.

Poe twisted to look at me, his face still unbearably emotionless. He was in mission mode, I could tell. “We have a vague location of where the distress signal was activated. But we thought you might be able to sense Rey a little more clearly, to help decrease our search area.”

My face screwed up. “I don’t even know if I can do that.”

“She reached out to you, from all the way across the galaxy. Maybe she’s waiting for you to reach back out to her,” he insisted.

The logic was sound enough for me to nod, recalling the trainings with Leia in which I’d practiced extending my range of perception. Feeling people and the energy they naturally radiated had always come about with little trouble. Yet connecting to another Force sensitive person and enter into their mind was something I’d never attempted on my own will.

It was challenging. Stretching my consciousness past the housing of my own shell, trying to latch it to another entity. In those sessions, as I struggled to touch the edges of her thoughts, it had always made me revere Kylo more than ever before. Even if he hadn’t been able to break through into mine, he’d always done this kind of thing with so much ease.

Although, being so attuned to the dark side likely aided him in this regard.

“So?” Poe questioned, interrupting my musings. “Can you give it a try?”

“Sure. I’ll see what I can manage.”

Placing myself down on one of the rear chairs, I shifted my thoughts inward, all focus on the sensation of the Force streaming through my limbs. Seconds passed, sound retreating, all physicality that sat around my body fading to nothing. All that remained was my mind, and the energy within.

Ever so slowly, I let my perception bleed through the casing of my skin, feeling over the familiar surroundings I’d closed my eyes to, pushing further and further. Past the metal, the buzzing circuitry, the glow of two recognisable auras held in this space.

Gradually, my pace quickened, reaching beyond exterior of this ship and through the atmosphere we were sailing over. Diving into the barren land below, I spread my awareness as if casting out a large net, searching for any allusion of life that might become caught in the web. When a tendril first touched the ground, I felt it instantly.

Darkness. So much darkness.

Running through this planet’s veins. Weaving just under the surface. All headed in one singular direction. The dark energy quickly seized me, dragging me along the stream until it culminated to a final destination. Inside my brain I could visualise the doors of an ancient structure, beckoning me to its entrance. 

My eyes shot open.

Breathing short and sharp, Poe had instinctively rushed out of his seat to kneel before me. “What? What did you see?”

“Due north. There’s a Force nexus on this planet. I have no doubt that’s where Rey is stranded.”

“A Force what?”

I tried to recall the passage I’d read in Beaumont notes where I’d first learned of this particular anomaly. “A Force _nexus_. A place where Force energy, of either side, is exceptionally potent. And here it’s particularly… dark. Hold on.” I looked to Poe, eyes narrowing. “What Rey’s looking for, it’s associated with the Sith, isn’t it?”

His jaw tightened, not needing to provide a verbal answer.

“Wait, what?! What the _hell_ are the Resistance planning on doing with Sith technology?” I shouted, stepping to my feet, Poe swiftly joining me.

He remained stoic. “That’s still confidential to you.”

“Oh _fuck_ your confidentiality,” my lips spat. “I deserve to know exactly what I’ve been roped into here!”

“I’m bound by my orders Alex. Your knowledge has to be kept strictly _need-to-know_ ,” he contended, his voice turning authoritative.

My mouth formed a venomous frown. “Why? In case Kylo might find out you’re going to use his own tricks against him?”

Poe’s resulting scowl was positively ruinous. “Don’t say his name in front of me.”

I was jarred by the intimidating tone he used, barely able to smother the urge to wince. We become locked in a clash of blackened stares for more than a few moments, before Chewie disrupted the silent conflict with a purposeful roar.

Poe shot his head around towards the transparisteel, my eyes following where his attention was secured. Ahead, I could see an intricately carved, stone building come into view, the only structure not wasted away by the passage of time.

I could feel the energy this site discharged pulsing into me, almost violently. For the first instance since I was rescued, I wrapped myself with invisible protection, fearing for what the darkness might do if it were to delve into the inner workings of my mind.

“I’ll let Finn and Rose know we’re about to land,” I murmured, moving to leave.

“Alex,” Poe said suddenly, meeting his eyes with mine, noticing how they’d softened. “After this is over, there’s a few things we need to talk about.”

I nodded, my face passive, and walked away, whispering under my breath. “Yeah. Yeah there is.”


	41. Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, yeah there are going to be a buttload of typos in this. But it couldn't wait.
> 
> Please just bear with me and lose yourself in the bonkers, plot filled chapter!

With an echoing creak, the Falcon’s hatch opened, another loud whir rebounding off the walls as the boarding ramp extended in front of our small crew.

It wasn’t a crushing gravity that began to weigh down on my figure as we stepped onto the gritty, barren earth below our feet. An invisible storm of darkened energy immediately clung to my shape when I moved into the open air, dragging me to halt.

When a hiss of discomfort left my mouth, Poe’s head shot back around. “You alright?”

My lids had already scrunched closed, gritting my teeth. “I… I don’t know.” Forcing my eyes to open again, I scanned the worried expressions staring back at me. “You… you don’t feel that? The _pressure_?”

Each took the moment to glance at the other before turning back, shaking their heads, all thoroughly puzzled by my obvious distress.

“What is it? What do you feel?” Rose asked, eyebrows drawn together in confusion.

“It’s so dense, so _heavy_ ,” I breathed out harshly. “The energy here. It… hurts.”

Even with the unmistakable tension between us, Poe didn’t attempt to hide his concern, treading back towards me and grazing a palm over my upper arm. “Are you sure you can handle this? If you’re not ready…”

A deepened breath filled my lungs, tracing over his face and the worry that etched softened lines into the skin. It almost made me want to smile, the warmth of his care shining through the haze of murky shadow that was clawing at my skin.

I rallied against the unseen fog, letting a lightness from within shimmer outwards with a heated glow, pushing against the sinister atmosphere that seemed infatuated with me.

“I’m ready. I can do this. Just needed a second to get used to it,” I insisted, straightening my posture. “Plus, I don’t think you’ll be making it through those doors without my help.”

My head gestured towards structure towering over us, cracked and cobbled steps leading up to an enormous entry, the same one I’d been shown by the omniscient force that controlled this planet. Contrasting stone had been intricately sculpted with strange patterns and shapes, the design spreading past the edges of the doors, lines of muddied red and obsidian elegantly twisting and flourishing over the surface.

There was a shuddering current I had already sensed radiating out. A barrier built of pure Force energy, fastening the doors shut with an invisible seal.

Poe glanced where my eyes focused. “What do you mean?”

“There’s an energy field over the entrance. To lock it from intruders.”

“Think you’ll be able to break it?” Finn questioned.

I shrugged weakly. “No idea. But we haven’t come all this way for me not to at least try.”

With slow, lagging steps I made my way up the stairs, every movement hindered by an increased density of the air around me. At the peak, I treaded hesitantly forwards, a ringing in my ears becoming more recognisable, piercing through my mind.

It was the familiar glisten of Poe’s aura following close behind that toughened my resilience, finding myself focusing on its soothing radiance to avert my thoughts from the pain.

Peering up, I traced some of the obscure threads of shaded rock with a curious gaze, picking a few more recognisable symbols amongst the elaborate design. Although I couldn’t be sure what their translation would amount to, it was exceedingly clear my presumption had been correct.

We were opening a gateway into a site of the Sith.

Turning back to the company behind me, I wore a look of anxious dread. “Are we sure we want to do this? There’s no telling what could be waiting behind this door.”

While Finn appeared troubled, his voice was insisting. “Rey’s in there, and she needs us. We don’t really have a choice.”

I centred on Poe’s face, looking for his reassurance.

“I’ll be right here. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

It was hard to mirror his calm expression. Still, I shifted to face the imposingly large doorway, letting a gradual exhale seep out and placed a palm on the cold granite.

Darkness was quick to pounce on the connection, an inexplicable vitality buzzing at my fingertips. The vibrations were rough, _coarse_ , a jagged current beginning to seep into my flesh. Though before the surge could dig its talons within, I drove my own energy against the tide, forcing it back.

The exertion was uncomfortable, yet not completely overwhelming. Soon I was able to extend the realm of my influence past the edges of my hand, urging it into the engraved lines, filling them with a luminosity I swore I could perceive in reality.

A softened blue stream snaked swiftly throughout the stone, merging into the energy field that obstructed us, beginning to split and crack the invisible barrier. Only a few more seconds, enough for the spread of power to reach the door’s borders, and it shattered into nothing, dissolving back into the universe.

My breath hitched as my hand retracted, studying my palm. “I think… I think I did it.”

Poe wasted no time, stepping forward from behind me and pressing his hands to the thick stone. Even with a relatively small push, the doors opened fully in an almost inviting way, swinging to rest at the side walls and remaining fixed there.

It became clear the securement I had broken was an obstruction set to impede those without Force affinity. That realisation only filled me with more trepidation.

Finn startled me slightly with a congratulatory pat on my arm as he walked by. “Nice work Alex!”

Chewie joined in with an impressed sounding growl, Rose also shooting me an animated smile before Poe’s voice broke through, his face serious, standing before us all with radiating importance.

“Alright, we need to be careful here, so we’re going to take it slow. Stay close, move as unit, call out any movement. I’m going to take point. Finn, Rose, keep an eye on the flanks. Chewie, you’ll be taking care of the rear. Make sure nothing creeps up on us.”

All of them nodded as their instructions were laid out, proceeding to pull out their weapons, checking them over.

“What about me?” I peeped, sounding even less composed then I felt.

“You’ll be right behind me,” Poe answered sharply. “I need to use whatever you have at your disposal to feel out any lifeforms that might be headed our way, and hopefully lead us to Rey.” He moved close, eyes firm. “And you have to listen to exactly what I tell you, okay? No talking back. No deviating.”

I wanted to scowl, a subtle bitterness sparking at his condescension. But here and now, he wasn’t the man who littered kisses over my face to rise me from sleep in the early morning, who scooped me into an adoring embrace after another mission had kept us apart for days at a time.

He was my Commander. The leader of this crew. His words were orders, essential for survival.

So, I kept my face blank, dipping my head to acknowledge his directive. With it, he turned, pulling his blaster out of the holster wrapped around his thigh, flicking off the safety. Arms settling themselves into as precise hold, he pointed the tip of his weapon towards the dim, looming hallway ahead and began to slowly tread into the darkness.

Our footsteps were unnervingly muted as we creeped down the long passage, lit only by the soft glow of murky red orbs sporadically placed on the walls. I kept myself in sync with Poe’s strides, mind split in two.

One half kept track on the physical world around me, my stare wandering, seeking out the tiniest alterations within my line of sight. The other focused outwardly, mapping out the landscape for fragments of vibrance within this dulled atmosphere.

Soon another set of doors, much smaller than before, came into view. Poe halted his advance right before them, whispering to me.

“Any blocks on this entry Alex?”

“Nothing that I can sense. And there doesn’t seem to be anything behind it either. Although…” I paused, driving my focus further. “There’s a lot of empty space. Whatever room we’re walking into, it’s _massive_.”

“Probably a foyer of some kind,” he posed. His voice grew louder. “Remember; any changes, any movement, I want to know about it.”

Our agreements were silent yet somehow known, a stark silence floating between us all as Poe carefully began to shift one of the large brick rectangles, motioning for me to open the other.  
  


Stepping cautiously into the new setting, my eyes grew wide.

The hall appeared just as immense as I’d foreseen. And strangely well kept. Time hadn’t ravaged this interior, the walls decorated with the same type of alien pattens I’d seen on the outside, ruby coloured drapery still hanging from the impossibly high ceiling above. The whole area was illuminated by dancing flames sprouting from exquisitely crafted sconces, lining the path of two separate staircases leading to a balcony, yet another unsealed entry at their peak.

It was the foreboding statue standing at the centre that captured all of my attention, barely able to prevent myself from shifting past Poe’s shape to gain a closer look.

He snatched it back. “Alex? You feeling anything in here?”

“Nothing,” I answered softly, still enamoured with the sculpture. “This room is clear.”

His rigid stance relaxed only slightly, treading closer to where my gaze was fixated. I kept myself directly at his side, both of us scanning the stone figure.

“What a creepy lookin’ guy,” Finn remarked, joining our survey.

It had only taken a few moments for me to recognise the carved image. A humanoid shape, swathed in flowing, tattered robes. An unusually straight edged hood sitting atop his head. A mask, almost skeleton-like, without a jaw. Large holes devoid of eyes, steaks of red above each socket, the face split in the middle with an oval pendant at the brow.

“ _Darth Nihilus_ ,” I breathed, an icy fear stirring within my chest.

Rose was the first to question me. “Who?”

“Darth Nihilus. Lord of Hunger. Once a Dark Lord of the Sith.”

“How do you know that?” Finn queried, looking to examine my face.

“Beaumont’s research. It has _endless_ data on the Old Republic era, when Darth Nihilus was active. He was one of the three dark lords of the Sith triumvirate, responsible for the First Jedi Purge, thousands of years ago.”

“Three?” Poe asked, dubious. “I thought the Sith only had two users at any one time?”

I took a glance to his puzzled face before drifting my gaze to explore the rest of the hall. “It was long before the rule of two was ever established. A time when armies of Sith were a reality. The Jedi were nearly made extinct because of them. Although, Darth Nihilus was said to be even more dangerous than all of them put together.”

Finn gulped. “More dangerous than a whole Sith fleet?”

“Supposedly. He was described as a _wound_ in the Force. While still human, he somehow survived the obliteration of a whole planet at the end of the Jedi Civil war, draining the Force energy of others to mend his pain and desolation. The more he stole, the more it deepened a growing hunger.”

I paced towards the etched walls, fingers tracing over the ancient language written there. “Another dark lord offered to train him, to teach him how to devour entire worlds, so that it might appease his cravings. It’s what made him different, in the end, to other dark side adepts. He never wanted to conquer the galaxy or rule over a new empire. He existed for a sole purpose. To satisfy the hunger that overwhelmed him by… destroying _all_ life.”

My mind began to wander, a bleak dread making itself known.

_Is this what Kylo could become? Is this what his thirst for power might lead him to?_

Pain. It made even sane people do such sinister things. I’d already witnessed his craving for bloodshed, felt it within our connection. The emotion, the agony it caused him, it made his heart _yearn_ for destruction.

Could this ghost of the past be a glimpse into his future?

_Was I the one who might prevent it?_

“At least we know he didn’t succeed,” Rose murmured, diverting my terrified musings. “Do you think this is his tomb or something?”

My lungs drew in a calming breath, looking back to the group. “I don’t think so. Beaumont’s explorations led him to Moraband, the Sith homeworld where the Valley of the Dark Lords remains to this day. According to his notes, the armour that housed Darth Nihilus’ spirit was buried there.”

“I hope it still is,” Finn muttered. “Doesn’t sound like a guy I’d like to meet.”

Poe stayed grounded in his determined attitude. “Come on, we need to find Rey. Let’s head up those stairs.”

It remained difficult to restrain my hesitation. “I have a _really_ bad feeling about this.”

“We came here for a reason Alex,” he maintained. “We have to keep going.”

With his glare pointed at me with a powerful magnitude, I could only relent, nodding.

I returned to follow behind his shape, climbing up the staircase, still scouring the world around us for life-forms.

Reaching the top, Poe gripped the doorhandle, about to turn it.

A familiar spark suddenly glimmered.

“Stop!” I hissed.

Amongst Rey’s recognisable yet subdued energy signature, there were erratic flashes of peculiar auras, a whole crowd of them.

“Life-forms, in the next area. With Rey. I can feel her there.”

“How many?” Poe whispered, fastened into stillness.

I took the few seconds to further assess the hidden scene. It was difficult to discern an exact number, their movement around the room muddling my concentration.

“At least… 20? I think? There could be more.”

“20?” Finn repeated, unable to hide to stunned edge to his voice. “We don’t have the greatest odds here Poe.”

In his expression, he conceded. “We also don’t really have much of a choice. Back-up isn’t an option and I think we can all agree; we’re not leaving here without Rey.”

We glanced to each other, heads slowly bobbing in agreement, before directing attention back to Poe, awaiting instruction.

“All we have is the element of surprise. Pick off as many targets as you can and then find shelter, _fast_. Finn and Rose, you sweep the periphery. I’ll cut through the centre, so Chewie I need you to cover me. Alex, you stay on my back until I tell you, and when we have enough leeway, make the break for Rey. I have no doubt whatever she’s been bound with needs your expertise.”

I felt my heart begin to race, the bodies around me shifting into readied stances. Poe motioned his head towards the other unattended handle, directing me to clutch it. With my hand coiled around the silver metal, he mouthed a short countdown.

“3… 2… 1…”

Flinging the doors open, the echoing crack of blaster fire was quick to shatter in my ears. Neon blue bolts spilled into my vision, my own focus fixated to mapping out this new environment. Not as large as the foyer, yet still an immense space, crowded with ancient alchemy equipment, glass vats and vials already smashed by misplaced shots.

It was finally glimpsing the enemies scattered throughout this ominous set up that robbed my concentration, body locked with disbelief.

They all looked like _her_.

The same brown, darkened robes. All hooded, concealing their human faces.

Poe was just as stunned, whipping his head to me. A shared moment of realisation struck, our faces morphed into mirrored shock, before he latched onto my wrist, pulling me with him into the chaos.

Blaster tip darting around the space, his following shots were precise, watching each collide with a hooded figure, the stun bolts causing the bodies to slump to the floor. While the equipment that surrounded us appeared increasingly antiquated, I began to notice a flurry of red lasers fly past my shape, all ignited from particularly modern blaster rifles.

After lunging to kneel behind one of the work benches, my peripheral vision caught onto Finn as he stepped from his covered position behind a bookcase, firing another round into an unsuspecting target. Overhead, a sizzling bolt headed straight for his form. My hand instinctively thrust out, Force energy seeping past the fingertips and capturing the laser before throwing it against the wall. 

“Since _when_ could you do that?” Poe shouted, voice almost completely drowned by the rattling explosions around us.

“I had to keep myself busy somehow while you were away on missions!” I called back. Peering over the tables edge, I used my invisible grasp to snatch another bolt, this time sweeping my palm so the streak of red was hurled back towards it’s shooter. It missed, intentionally, not wishing to cause any needless deaths at my hands, but allowed enough of an opening for Poe to fire off a stun blast in the same direction.

The enemy dropped instantly to the floor, smoke clearing to the view of Rey’s limp body collapsed into a large, clinical looking chair, wrist and ankles constrained by thick bands of metal. My breath left me at noting the lines of thin medical tubing extending from several ports pierced into her skin.

Poe evidently witnessed the same picture, for a few seconds appearing just as alarmed, before sinking back into determination. An unspoken understanding occurred between us, both springing out of our crouched poses.

The disarray continued to swirl around our shapes, trailing behind Poe as we pressed towards the centre of the room where Rey sat, seemingly unresponsive. In tandem with each other’s thoughts, our assault grew harmonious. With my unseen clasp, I stole hurtling bolts from the air, tossing them where they couldn’t harm anyone, or propelling the shots into surrounding furniture, creating valuable diversions in which Poe seized every opportunity to render another target comatose.

It was just as I’d reached Rey’s bruised and battered form that a hush descended. Fiddling with the bindings that trapped her, I heard Rose’s voice holler at the corner of the room.

“I think that’s all of them!”

“No more targets I can see from here!” Finn matched, his voice booming from the opposing side.

A supplementing roar echoed from Chewie, Poe rushing up to meet me as I struggled to set Rey free.

“They’re just ordinary restraints,” I remarked, not feeling any Force bindings wound over the shackles. “Try and find the lock-release. It should be around here somewhere.”

He appeared to take my directive, beginning to search over the equipment within our immediate surroundings. My knuckles ground against Rey’s ribcage, infinitely grateful to see the gradual rise and fall of her chest.

“Open your eyes Rey! We’re here!”

Nothing. No response.

My interest shifted to the connections penetrating into her tissue, wondering if a sedative was a part of the liquid being pushed into her veins. Every action become reflexive, ripping off the sleeve of my shirt and tearing the material into strips. With every detached port, I worked swiftly to loop my makeshift bandages before a cascade of blood could spill, tying them tight around the pallid flesh. 

Barely a minute had passed after the last string of tubing was discarded to the floor when the same flicker of energy that had alerted me to her presence suddenly ignited into a blooming spark.

A distressingly deep inhale followed, Rey’s eyes bursting open, limbs immediately wrestling against the restraints.

“It’s okay! Rey! It’s alright!” I attempted to calm. “Just give us a second to find the release!”

Rose had sprouted at my side without me noticing, only to dart around the back of the chair, pulling out a sharply serrated knife from her holster. Within the next second there was a piercing hiss, the metal bands cracking open.

Rey tumbled out of the seat into my figure, my steps faltering backwards, both of us sinking to floor as she snatched air into her lungs. The rest of the crew all raced to huddle overhead, Chewie still keeping a lookout for new enemies.

“The… the holocron. Where is it?” Rey wheezed. When her eyes finally caught mine, it filled me with a distressing concern how bloodshot they were, the green I’d witnessed all those months ago seeming murky and sapped of their vivid colour.

“Taken care of,” Poe informed. I looked to him, noting the pyramid-shaped artifact he held within his hands, wrapped in dirty, fraying linen. My eyebrows drew together, beginning to search over his expression with an edge of disapproval. He remained stoic, avoiding my stare.

“Let’s... let’s get out of here then.” Rey planted her hands to the ground, trying to push herself up, a pained moan rustling out.

“Here, let me heal some of those wounds first-”

She withdrew sharply from my palms, a panicked glare flashing. “No!” After moment of composure, her voice relaxed. “It’s fine. I’m fine. I just want to get back home.”

“I agree,” Finn chimed. “The sooner we get out of this creepy place, the better.”

I studied Rey, unable to prevent a shiver of suspicion trickling over my skin. But I was also in agreement. Exhaustion was crawling over my mind, wishing to be free from the near-constant pressure of darkness that still rattled against my shield.

As we each marched through the newly formed ruins of this space, Finn helping to guide a hobbling Rey through the damage, a stark realisation came with the sight of a set of brown robes at my feet.

_With no body inside._

“W-where are the bodies?” I squeaked, seeing the same empty cloaks littered over the area. “They’re all gone!”

“Does it matter?” Poe asked, completely unaffected. “As long as they stay gone, I really couldn’t care less.”

“But-”

“ _Alex_ ,” he huffed, halting his stride and pivoting to face me. “You can ask all your questions at the debrief. Right now, can we just get the _frack_ away from this place?”

I hated his tone. So patronising and cold. It made me want to lash out, admonish him for speaking that way.

But I was so… _tired_.

“Fine,” I mumbled, teeth gritted, burrowing the irritation that flared.

Watching him turn, letting the others move past my stilled form, my frame began to be slowly crushed by a different type of burden.

As much darkness and danger lurked within these walls, the fear that was incited here didn’t come close to the dread pulsing through my blood in knowing what future waited for me, _for us_ , on returning to base.

*

My cot was icy. So uncomfortable I could hardly stand to lay on the lumpy mattress. But exhaustion was excessively dominant, pounding hard on the inside of my skull. And my other resting place was too painful to think about.

The trip back had been mostly spent in an unsettling quiet. I’d attempted to push Rey into receiving some kind of medical exam, but she stridently rejected my offer, claiming she didn’t wish to waste more of my energy.

Before departing Letum, we dropped her at the site of the Y-wing she’d used to make her own voyage. Apparently, the Resistance couldn’t allow even _one_ ship to be left behind, and Rey outrightly refused for anyone else to make the flight. My opinions on the matter, believing she was far too fragile to be piloting any machinery in her current state, fell on deaf ears.

Finn and Rose had retired to the crew quarters to sleep early in the journey. At that point, I was sizzling under the surface with too many emotions to settle into slumber, deciding to spend my time scouring over Beaumont’s research data for more information on Darth Nihilus, hoping to trace some information on the holocron that was now stowed with us. It became clear quickly in my searching that all evidence of this artifact had been purposefully hidden, the documents on the datapad most likely corrupted enough to conceal the knowledge from me.

The hours passed too quickly, as if the universe knew exactly the height of my apprehension in returning home. It was early evening when we finally made planetfall, Leia allowing a delay for our debriefing meeting until first thing in the morning. I knew she’d made that suggestion for my benefit, no doubt seeing the weariness within my face the moment we all descended from the Falcon’s ramp.

I’d waited for Poe to pull me aside, to continue the interrupted discussion that felt like _years_ ago, yet instead he was beckoned to a private meeting with his General, still carrying the item we’d all put ourselves in harms way to collect.

Mediation did nothing to calm the turmoil inside as I tossed beneath the scratchy sheets. The inevitable pain that would come when a new sunrise broke ricocheted through my mind, wishing for an endless night so I wouldn’t have to greet a day that only promised misery.

A hand was suddenly grazing across my cheek. Gentle. Warm. Facing away, I didn’t have to open my eyes to recognise who had glided their touch over my skin. Without hesitation, Poe slid into the cot with me, melting his shape against mine under blankets, wrapping his arms around my chest. He wrenched me close, a relieved exhale rushing into my hair.

We didn’t speak. I simply relished the feel of his embrace. Knowing it may be the last time I would be enclosed within it like this.

*

Daylight had yet to descend onto the planet’s surface when Poe and I woke again, seemingly at the same time. Still muted, we removed ourselves out of the resting position that had allowed me a dreamless sleep, eyes finding each other’s in the dim glow of the quarters.

“It’s time for that talk now, isn’t it?” I whispered.

He nodded.

Together we treaded deeper into the cave system, somehow silently agreeing to utilise one of the sporadically placed caverns to house this private discussion.

When we finally stopped in one of the larger spaces, the only illumination afforded by the glimmering veins weaving through the rock surface, Poe’s stare was more desolate than I was expecting.

“Don’t do it,” he murmured before I had the opportunity to speak. “I know what you’re about to say. What you want to do.”

My voice was feeble. “How?”

“I’m not stupid Alex. I _know_ you. You’re too _damn_ selfless for your own good.”

“You deserve the future that you want Poe,” I urged. “And it isn’t one I can give you.”

He quickly lunged forward, grabbing my wrists to pull my face close to his. “You think I give a _fuck_ about any future you’re not a part of?”

“You just can’t see it yet! I’m trying to do the right thing!”

“The right thing?” he hissed, still with a recognisable quiver. “How could you _ever_ think it’s right for us not to be together?”

Tears started to seep down. “Because… because this is the way it was always going to be. The galaxy kept telling us we weren’t meant for each other. And I… I think it’s right. Just like you’re meant to hold your own baby within your arms… there’s a fate meant for me, one I’ve been denying for too long.”

A hush settled over Poe, comprehending my words, what they truly meant.

“Oh _maker_. You’re… you’re going to leave. You’re going to go to him…”

My lips trembled, more salted droplets steaming down. “I’m so sorry.”

Poe’s eyes grew panicked, releasing his hold only to clutch me roughly into his chest. “Please don’t do this,” he began to whimper. “ _Please_ , Alex. I don’t care. I don’t care about children. Or fate. Or anything else. I’m _begging_ you. Don’t leave me.”

“I have to.” I joined Poe in his muffled crying, nails digging into his back as misery took control. “I just… have to.”

He pulled his face back, a shaking hand cupping my cheek, his own stained with moisture. “You can’t save him. You’ll be giving in for _nothing_.”

“I need to try,” I breathed, voice bathed in anguish.

As the seconds passed, Poe became resigned, wiping away tears before hands fell to his sides. “There’s nothing I can say to make you change your mind, is there?”

Slowly, I shook my head.

His jaw tight and a suffering in his eyes that would haunt me for eternity, he moved to walk away, glancing back only once to murmur a few searingly agonising words.

“He won’t love you like I do.”

The world around me could have caught fire, and I wouldn’t have noticed. The only thing encompassing my thoughts being a harrowing pain, the likes of which I’d never sensed so ruthlessly in all my life. My feet swivelled around towards the cave wall, needing something to lean against before my legs collapsed under me from the weight of despair.

Suddenly, a weakened voice, _her_ voice, infiltrated the stillness.

“ ** _He knows. He knows where you are_**.”

“What? How?” I implored into the empty cavern.

“ ** _You’ll find out… soon enough_**.” It was bizarre to hear the woman sound so fragile, her usual sharpened tone reduced to a faltering whisper. “ ** _If you… if you want your friends to live… you need to evacuate this planet_**. **_Now_**.”

*

The commotion that came with my news of the base’s detection was manic. While the Resistance had been steadily prepared for the circumstance, it didn’t make the atmosphere any less frenzied.

I’d done what I could to help, aiding the medical crew to pack up every last scrap of their supplies, loading as many crates into the _Tantive IV_ as it would hold. Overseeing some of the last pieces of equipment being shoved into the cargo hold, Leia slipped beside me.

“Are you sure you’ve thought this through Alexys?” she asked.

“Probably not, no,” I admitted, looking to her worried expression. “But… it’s time Leia. I need to stop fighting it.”

Her mouth twisted in reluctance. “You don’t want to at least tell the fleet you won’t be coming with us?”

“They won’t let me do this if I reveal it now.”

“But allowing them think you’re aboard this ship, when instead you’ve given yourself over the First Order? It will _devastate_ them.”

My throat grew horribly tight, desperately forcing tears down at that thought. “I know. I just can’t do anymore goodbyes.”

A soothing palm rubbed at my shoulder, when instinct abruptly pushed me to encircle Leia into an emotional hug. “I’m really sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused.”

Surrendering into the embrace, she stroked my hair lovingly. “I know you are, Alex. It’s alright.”

When I moved to meet her gaze again, the compassion there almost shattered me. “Please… take care of him,” I pleaded softly. “Remind him it was for the best.”

Gently, she nodded. “I really hope it is.”

*

I counted the minutes after the last Resistance ship disappeared from sight, sunken into a sitting position on the jungle floor, a small bag of belongings laying at my side.

Almost 23 had floated by when a black ship swiftly emerged into the cloudless blue sky. As it made its descent, careening directly for my location, I grew more and more conquered by unease. For a reason I wasn’t exactly anticipating.

To see _his_ face again, within the undoubted truth of this reality, I was so… _eager_.

My heart was thumping in my ears when the ramp lowered itself down, seeing heavy boots appear through the haze of smoke, a familiar outline shifting into view. 

“ _Hux_?”

He marched up to my standing figure, a bizarre smile set on his lips.

“Ah, Dr Jago. So wonderful to meet your acquaintance again.”

I cocked my head, thoroughly stunned. “I… I thought Kylo would have been the one to-”

“The Supreme Leader is otherwise absorbed in more pressing matters at this time,” he informed, the sneer he wore turning positively gleeful. “He wished only to see if anything had been left of this evacuation.”

“What? I don’t understand…”

Hux exhaled an amused chuckle, before pivoting on his heel, gesturing me to follow. “Come on then. Let’s not waste any time.”

“I… I don’t… huh?” I stammered.

With an irritated sigh, he turned back. “You wish to have an audience with him, no? I can only assume that’s why you allowed yourself to be left behind on this pitiful base.”

Opening my mouth to speak, nothing escaped but a stuttered breath.

Hux glared at me with a callously impatient edge to his stare. “Well? Are you coming or not?”

“Would I still be considered a hostage?”

His smirk returned. “Not during this journey at least. But I cannot speak of what the Supreme Leader will make of your return.”

There was little choice I had anymore. I’d already given up everything I knew, let the Resistance leave without an indication for where their new hideout would be.

Once more, I was completely alone, trying to fulfil a destiny I wasn’t sure could be accomplished.

Picking my belongings from the ground, I made my way into ship before I could question my decision, doing my best ignore the arrogant looks of pride Hux wouldn’t relinquish from his expression.

*

My focus was inward as Hux, along with an entourage of Stormtroopers, led me through the halls of the Imperial Palace that the First Order had claimed as their own. My thoughts had become progressively chaotic as I walked, barely able to comprehend the words that swirled within.

I had no clue what to say. How to articulate any form of explanation.

The horde in front of me suddenly ceased their progression, dividing down the middle to let me through. We’d reached a closed entrance, Hux standing rigidly at the border, gesturing towards the entry.

“He’s awaiting your attendance inside,” he pronounced.

I walked between the crowd of unnervingly motionless troopers, barely able to keep a steady breath, my palm moist with sweat as it gripped one of the handles and pushed the door open.

At opposite ends of the enormous space, our eyes immediately locked. My pace was slow, cautious, moving towards the throne where Kylo rested, his face unmoved by my arrival.

The blood coursing around my veins seared with an undeniable heat, heart thundering inside my ribcage.

He was really here. His presence an actuality. Not just a voice I’d _missed_ the sound of as it echoed through my mind.

Reaching the base of the steps where Kylo sat atop, my foot about to place itself on the raised marble, a loud creak to my left interrupted the dense silence.

In a seamless flourish, pitch black robes elegantly billowed behind the human woman entering the scene, tousled auburn hair flowing down her front, slightly swaying as she moved.

Not just any woman.

_Rey?_

Vibrant green eyes looked to me, an excited smile bursting in her features.

“Alex!” she beamed. “We were wondering when you were finally going to join us!”

Gliding gracefully up the stairs, Rey made her way to Kylo’s side. I watched, speechless, as she leaned in close to his face, collecting a cheek in her palm and touched their lips together in an adoring kiss.

Only when she relaxed her stance, perching her hand at his shoulder, that I noted the glint reflecting off a ruby-encrusted ring placed on a _very_ important finger. 


	42. Surrender

Such a delicate piece of finery. An intricate sparkle of silver and red. Sitting so innocently on Rey’s dainty finger.

Yet the mere sight of it began to crack and splinter the universe around me. A galaxy’s worth of pain and _envy_ rushing to envelop my entire being.

I was magnetised to it. Unable to rip my eyes from the single thing that suddenly stood between me and the man I had willingly surrendered _everything_ for.

Rey noticed my hypnotised glare, a brilliant smile curling her darkly stained lips.

“Pretty, isn’t it?” She pulled the offending hand up to marvel at the large jewel. “One of a kind. Crafted specially for his future bride.”

A wave of nausea crested through my body, stomach turning into squeezing knots, bile rising in my throat. I wasn’t sure how I found the ability to speak amongst the disarray of my mind.

“Excuse me?”

Her palms clapped together, positively glowing with delight. “Isn’t it wonderful? A month to the day, and I’ll be this galaxy’s new _Empress_.”

It was my lungs that faltered next, the memories of how breathing was conceivable completely erased. 

“You’re…” I all but strangled out. “You’re supposed to be with the-”

“The Resistance? Ah yes, well... There’s been a slight change of plan. Hasn’t there _darling_?” Rey glanced to Kylo, her energy shimmering with a tangible gratification.

I didn’t want to look at his face.

To see even the smallest fragment of contentment within his features, I was certain it would _ruin_ me.

Still, my gaze drifted.

Nothing.

His expression utterly barren of any reaction. Although his eyes were piercing, fastened to mine within an unyielding stare.

Did he remember? The way the universe fell away when our skin connected? The glow of warmth that weaved through our bodies with just a single touch? The rapture of emotion that came to life within only a fleeting look, one that to this day remained nameless?

It wasn’t there now. Around his strictly set shape, there was null but empty air.

And the recognition of that fact made the gravity above seem far more crushing than anything I’d felt on Letum.

Yet rather than crumple into the floor, an action a past version of myself would have allowed within moments of entering this scene, I stood firm. I’d conceded under far too much pain already, unleashed it onto the one I’d left behind, for this all to be for naught.

This was no time for withering. I needed answers.

“This all seems awfully… quick,” I noted, regaining the strength in my voice.

“Love doesn’t abide by the natural laws of time,” Rey countered.

A bitter taste appeared on my tongue, barely able to hold down a grimace. “Since when did you collectively decide not to kill each other?”

Rey’s chuckle hid a venomous undertone. “In my time searching over Letum, I found myself uncovering a varied perspective of this galaxy. You could say, it altered a few of my preconceived notions.”

“You mean the planet _riddled_ with an immense darkness?” I fumed, observing the slightest rise of Kylo’s eyebrow at my knowledge of this information.

Her head dipped, conceding. “Ah, yes. A very powerful energy, don’t you agree?”

“Evidently strong enough to make you _turn_.”

Rey seemed oddly amused at what was meant so be a scathing reply. She stepped forward, floating down the steps to meet where I stood.

“And what makes you think that?” she posed, the dazzling gleam in her eyes sending a chill down my spine.

I stared back incredulously. “I saw what they were doing to you Rey. Those… people, or whatever they were. I’m not stupid enough to think after witnessing that scene, that you being here, betrothed to your _enemy_ , is a coincidence.”

“It isn’t, no. But not for the reason you seem to be implying.” Her hand grazed over my arm, the touch of her fingertips ice-cold against my skin. “And I apologise for not thanking you for freeing me from their captivity. It was you who set this all into motion.”

“Me?”

Rey nodded. “Without your abilities, the attunement to the Force you’ve gained, I might have been trapped within those walls until my life force was bled dry.”

The silence was ominous as I mulled over her words. I had yet to retrace the happenings of that mission and dissect all that I glimpsed of the mysterious, hooded lifeforms. There was no reasonable contradiction to her claim, an extremely likely scenario with all that I sensed on that barren planet.

Although, I wasn’t entirely convinced.

“Why couldn’t you tell us about this new perspective? The one that made you secretly journey to Coruscant instead of returning home, _abandoning_ the Resistance?”

“You think they would have allowed me come here?” she questioned, her expression turning sour. “They never would have understood. What I’d come to realise. What I needed to do.”

My eyes narrowed, a wariness bubbling within. “And what was that exactly?”

Rey’s stare flickered from mine, looking into the large space circling us, recounting a memory. “In another throne room, I was spared from death by a man who had no reason to. He killed his master, defended me from the following onslaught of his guards, very nearly giving his own life to save mine.”

I knew of the confrontation she spoke of, yet not to any detail. Hearing it now, seeing the warmth that spread over Rey’s face as she spoke, made a heaviness begin to weigh in my chest.

She began to tread around my figure, her movements unnervingly slow. “He wished to let old things die. To rid the galaxy of a conflict that had raged on for millennia. And he wanted me to join him in this pursuit.”

As I continued to turn and watch her gliding steps, Rey sighed, shaking her head. “I was naïve. Too inexperienced. Stubbornly hopeful of bringing this man back from the darkness that had swallowed him whole. Or, so I’d thought.”

Her eyes flashed upwards, looking past me to meet with Kylo’s waiting glare. “To him, I wasn’t no-one, a scavenger, a nobody destined to fade away into the bleakness of this universe. I was something to be prized, housing a strength that demanded respect and _reverence_. He offered a hand to me, a promise to rule together and bring an era of calm this galaxy had yet to see. And foolishly, I did not take it.”

A startling truth struck me.

I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t come to the awareness before this moment.

They shared a bond. A history deeply embedded into their souls. Marked by shared trauma, scarred by each other in all senses. An invisible thread that ran through them both, tied together by the ever-flowing spirit of the Force.

“It was on Letum, captured by those who hoped to drain my unique energy for their own gain, I was driven into a deep mediation to prevent from perishing. Within it, lost in the innermost depths of my mind, there was only one thing I could grasp onto to keep me alive.”

“Darkness,” I whispered, shifting Rey’s focus to me once more.

“I finally allowed myself to feel it. The raw strength it possesses. It’s innate ability to _endure_. For the first time I really understood why so many have fallen under its influence,” she described, continuing to stroll around me. “I began to wonder if there was a way to… _utilise_ the two energies I’d come to experience. The light and the dark. Bring them together, rather than keep each in a precarious balance. And I knew there was only one man who I could accomplish that with.”

Instinctively, my gaze shot to Kylo. Even now, his stare was secured to my shape, face taught with a small, yet noticeable strain. Our visions were fixed to one another as Rey resumed.

“When you freed me from their imprisonment my decision was already made resolute. I came here to finally accept the offer he’d once pleaded of me. I hoped to unite our strengths and create a future that one could only dream of. One of… _peace_.”

It should have calmed me, that word. Because what was I here for, if not only to bring about the same outcome?

However, it brought only a heightened feeling of dread, even when I couldn’t discern why. 

Rey began to make her way back towards the throne, steps wafting up the stairs with such an effortless grace, blackened robes rippling over the marble, reaching the peak before turning to me.

“And then, when I finally took his hand…” She extended her palm towards Kylo, his concentration darting to the gesture. A gloved hand was placed in hers, gripping it tight as she moved to perch herself on his lap, looking to him with a lustrous pride. “It was clear we both desired the same thing.”

“Marriage?” I blurted, the suspicion obvious in my tone.

Green irises darted to my direction, surrounded by an expression of subtle irritation. “What else would two people do when they’re in love?”

_Ow._

_That one hurt_.

I couldn’t prevent myself from wincing, clouded with images of a different ring, one far more demure, being held out to me.

“Besides,” Rey continued, voice dripping with a venom cultivated for me alone. “We simply can’t have our future heir being born out of wedlock, can we?”

Too much. Too much pain.

Agonising. All-consuming.

Truly indescribable, the despair that carved ruthless strokes within my flesh, invisible scars that would forever mark my skin.

This woman, untarnished and undamaged, could give him what I couldn’t.

And he… he was the one who’d forged this reality. He had stolen _everything_ from me.

Yet even in the embittered realisation that snatched my focus, there was only one thing I craved amongst the devastating sadness, the scorching anger. A longing that was clear more than ever even while his deadened eyes penetrated mine.

What I’d come here for. What I couldn’t admit until this instant.

To surge into his arms. To be wrapped by his embrace. To feel that inexplicable, luminous sensation ignited by his touch.

My chance for that had passed. Long ago. That was the choice I made. Now, it was a future tainted with regret that appeared before me.

_This was a mistake._

_I needed to get out of here. Now._

Feet began to swivel under me, ready to turn and exit this grand spectacle of my failure, when unseen hands coiled around my arm, wrenching me back.

A small hand splayed out in front of Rey’s figure, locking me where I stood. “Oh no, we’re not quite finished here yet.”

“Let me go,” I hissed.

“But we haven’t even broached the topic of why you’re here,” she sneered, her demeanour entirely transformed, an icy hostility descending over the lines of her face. “It must be awfully important for you to come so willingly back to your captor.”

I struggled against the restraints now binding me. “It’s somewhat irrelevant now.”

Rey cocked her head. “Oh? And why would that be?”

The fury that had been quietly simmering under the surface became more potent, rushing through my blood as I studied her knowingly antagonising expression.

Was there any point in concealing it anymore? Lies and buried truths had only brought such crushing burdens into my life.

A steadying breath collected in my lungs, my attention moving to Kylo, voice soft yet fortified with a firm resolve. For a brief fragment in time, the world contained only he and I, connected in a sanctuary all our own. 

“I came here… for you.”

The hand that he rested at the throne’s arm slowly balled into a fist, leather creaking into the hush.

“You wanted me to stop fighting. Stop pushing it away,” I continued, heart pounding so hard I felt it in my throat. “This is it. I’m done with it all. No more denial. No more ignorance.”

My concentration over his impassive face allowed me to view the slightest spasm at his cheek, a flicker of his blackened pupils, the smallest waver of his inhale. I knew exactly what that meant.

There was turmoil. Veiled under an expressionless façade. 

_All was not lost._

Rey’s voice interjected the silence. “ _Hmm_. How brave of you to finally submit. A pity it’s a little too late for such bold revelations.”

“Do you speak for him now?” I snapped, still trying to break through her hold over my limbs.

Lips curled in a cruel smirk, glancing at her newly attained fiancé, leaning close to his ear. “She wishes to hear it from you, my love.”

Shiny, black heels planted themselves on the floor, Rey picking herself from the seated position, gesturing for Kylo to follow her instruction.

His stare flashed away, glaring towards the woman at his side. A poignant exchange occurred between the two, the seconds frustratingly long, before Kylo rose from his seat.

It appeared I’d somewhat forgotten how intimidating his presence was, my breath hitching as he began to press forward, steps heavy as they hit each stair.

I’d never felt so small, so insignificant, than when he’d stopped barely a foot away, towering above me, face sharpened with a palatable malice.

“Whatever our past contains, the memories that remain… it is meaningless,” Kylo murmured, the caustic tone eating away at my insides. “You mean _nothing_ to me anymore.”

“Liar,” I growled.

My knees were suddenly slammed to the floor, a violent pang ricocheting through my legs, letting out a loud whimper.

“You have _no_ right to label me with such a word,” he snarled, palm hovering near to my head. The chains over my limbs had receded, only for a severe pressure to keep me secured in a kneeling position.

Peering up, I caught a familiar ferocity in his eyes. “I’ve heard a similar statement come from my own mouth. It was a lie then, just like it is now.”

Kylo hissed a frustrated breath, arm curling, instinct taking control. But it became still, held in the air, its waiting strike not following.

“Do it,” I goaded. “ _Hit me_. I’ve already seen how much you relish in my pain.”

His focus dissolved, a flare of uncontainable energy streaking from his shape, saturated with a mixture of wrath and fervour.

A smirk threatened to curl my lips. “ _See_. You never could hide it. Not like I can.”

A brutal smack against collided into my jaw, the momentum so forceful my body slumped to the side. Hands pressed down hard to prevent my face knocking into the ground, wheezing harshly through the ache pulsing over my jawline. There was a sting at my bottom lip that became increasingly perceptible, a droplet of moisture beginning to trickle out.

My index finger lightly touched the laceration, blood coating the skin. Eyes glanced to Kylo’s persistently ferocious expression, unwavering as I placed the tip in my mouth and licked the fluid clean.

His reaction was startling, watching as a breath caught in his throat, another gleam of emotion bursting around his form. This time, however, it contained only _craving_.

_Oh, how I’d missed that sensation_.

He was able to compose himself quickly, daring to step forward, aura burning with a wild fury as a gloved hand began to rise.

“Now, now,” Rey interjected, appearing behind his looming figure, shooting her arm across his chest. “There’s no need to get too _dramatic_.”

Reluctantly Kylo settled his stance, shrouding the errant emotions back underneath the lines of his exterior, features placed into the same stony appearance as when I entered.

“I’ve told you what I came for, and we can all agree it’s been a redundant undertaking. Can I get the _hell_ out of here now?” I snipped.

“Oh, no. I’m afraid I can’t allow that,” Rey responded curtly.

Red stains of anger blurred my eyesight. “Why the _fuck_ not? I’m of no use to you.”

She feigned sympathy. “Alexys, please don’t think of yourself that way. Your abilities would be _extremely_ useful to this Order.”

“If you think I’m going to play any part in your new regime, you’re _fucking_ insane.”

“Goodness, what a mouth you’ve come to have. I can only imagine Poe is the one to cause this terrible influence over you.” There was a pause, Rey mockingly thoughtful. “He must be absolutely _heartbroken_ that you’re here.”

Impulse is what came to rule me. A hand shot forward, talons of energy coiling around Rey’s neck before she had a moment to react. Fuelled by an insatiable rage, I clenched my fingers tighter, squeezing mercilessly around her throat.

“Kylo,” she gasped, barely flinching at my sudden attack. “You know what to do.”

A neon scarlet blade materialised, filling my vision. The jagged edges of searing light lingered dangerously close to my neck. Memories sparked, gripping my whole psyche, unable to impede the terror of seeing this weapon poised to cut through me once more.

I scrambled backwards, lungs rigid, tears of panic forming in my eyes and dribbling too fast for me to stop them. Losing my own command of the shield wound over my mind, there was a palpable fear that emanated outwards. I noticed the precise moment Kylo felt it, dropping his gaze with a wince flashing fleetingly across his face, lightsaber fizzling out soon after. 

Rey had already collected herself, entertained by my distress. “I do hope you’ll reconsider joining our cause.”

“I’d rather die,” I spat, wiping away the droplets trailing down my cheeks.

“Oh, you’re far too valuable for such a fate,” she declared. “You’ve been forced into submission before. I’m sure we can find a reason to induce the same outcome again.” Her ringed hand placed itself lovingly at Kylo’s biceps, smiling up to him. “My love, I’ll let you do the honours.”

There was hesitation, evident in the stillness that trailed her words. Yet it was brief, his arm eventually drifting upwards, a beckoning flourish occurring at his fingers. Surfacing from the shadows, a crowd of heavily armoured guards closed in from the corners of the room, obsidian shells of laminate coating their frames.

I found myself resigned as they made their advance, knowing there was little I could do to halt my capture.

Two of the six masked individuals seized me into their grasp at either side, pulling me roughly to my feet.

“Are we really doing this _again_?” I grumbled. “Seems a little uninspired.”

Ignoring my derision, it was Kylo who gruffly barked an order. “Take her to the prisoner chamber. The cell reserved for Force adepts.”

“I’ll let you see to it she settles in nicely to her new environment,” Rey concurred, her sunny disposition the last thing I saw before being hauled away.

*

The sentries were unnecessarily harsh in the way they shoved me into cell, particularly when I’d shown no resistance to their arrest the entire time I was led downwards to the depths of this palace.

It was vastly different to my previous enclosure. Instead of a suffocating room, I was contained behind an ultrasonic magnetised wall, still transparent to those who might view me, but an impenetrable barrier I wouldn’t be able to escape.

“Leave,” Kylo ordered severely, his subordinates retreating without a word of reply.

We each allowed a dense silence to linger, simply standing, staring, absorbed in the existence of one another for a remarkably long time.

My cutting words eventually sliced through the quiet. “Well… here we are again. Prisoner. Captor. Are you feeling the déjà vu? Or is it just me?”

Kylo didn’t react, his glare unwavering, lips in a hard line.

I moved my own eyes away, beginning to survey the cell around me. “I do like the change in scenery. A little more… homely than the _Finalizer_.”

Still, no response.

My feet began to pace under me, moving gradually through the small space. “I mean, it probably feels that way because Coruscant _is_ my home-”

“Why did you come here?” he demanded, voice doused in a festering viciousness.

A scowl set itself within my lips. “I already answered that question.”

Kylo’s jaw tensed. “You resisted so intensely, yet now, suddenly your resolution has dissolved? So easily?”

“It was _not_ easy,” I seethed. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

“And, evidently, the most futile.”

The stare I shot him was ruinous, thankfully concealing the hurt thumping in my ribcage. I couldn’t speak through it, words lost as I grappled with the pain.

“So what is it? Did you grow so quickly bored of his company?” Kylo provoked. “Stifled by a life of pointless servitude to the Resistance?”

“I would have happily lived out my life there if not for you!” I yelled, stomping closer to the electrified barrier between us.

Pupils darted to my abdomen, a smug recognition filtering over his features. “Ah… I see now. You couldn’t give him what he desires most.”

My stoic demeanour faltered, swallowing hard as the tightness in my chest gripped harder. “Thanks to you.”

“You chose to defend him from my attack,” he said bitterly, taking another step forward. “You chose to give yourself to him, to be his. You chose to deny all that what so clear, to wish for me to let you go. It is now time for you to live with those decisions you wilfully made.”

I couldn’t halt it. The lone tear leaking from my eyes, gritting my teeth to prevent more from escaping. “ _Love_ made those decisions for me. And…” I took a quivering inhale, glaring directly inside the depths of honeyed irises centred on me. “It also made the decision for me to be here, right now.”

Ever so slightly, his composure dissipated, tone softened when he spoke next. “A mistake. In every sense of the word.”

“I gave up _everything_ for you,” I whispered. “All that you once _begged_ for me to abandon. I have nothing left. _Nothing_.”

“A circumstance I am familiar with,” he murmured, iciness returning. “I would hope you might respect the decision I’ve come to make, just as you wanted from me.”

“It’s not the same.”

“How so?”

“You don’t love her.”

Long seconds he spent in a grim silence. “What makes you so sure?”

I opened my mouth to speak, yet there was no response waiting.

“Regardless,” he continued. “Your disbelief is irrelevant. The date for our nuptials is set, as is the following coronation.”

“So what, will I have to call you _Emperor_ from then on?” I scoffed.

His lips threatened to twitch into a snarl. “It would benefit you not to be purposely insolent if you ever want freedom from this cell.”

“Oh,” I breathed, a sinful smirk spreading over my face. “But I thought you enjoyed the way I say your current title… _Supreme Leader_.”

Kylo’s returning glower was ferocious, unable to conceal the way his pupils blew impossibly wide.

Apparently old tactics had their place in this new reality.

“How many times did you imagine me saying it while I was away? _Hm_?” I purred, slinking as near to the shimmering barrier as possible. “How often did I _scream_ it as you pictured me _coming_ for you?”

To my surprise, he wasn’t so readily swayed, jutting his chin out, defiant. “How many times did you think of me when you were with him?”

I remained unshaken, each word slowly rolling off my tongue, imbued with a stark conviction.

“ _Every_. _Single_. _Time_.”

A loathsome truth. One that never failed to send me into an endless spiral of shame. No matter how I tried to evade the memory of Kylo in each separate entanglement Poe and found ourselves in, it was unavoidable. I forever yearned for the bond of our minds to occur, haunted by the touch of another as different hands roamed my skin.

Kylo hadn’t expected this forthcoming piece of information to be uttered, clear in the way his body tensed, the calming breath he struggled his way through.

I stared up at the man before me, separated by a wall of untouchable energy, desperate just to graze a lone finger to his cheek. To remind him. To evoke the indescribable thrill of our connection. To compel him to recall the cause of my surrender.

His breaking point had been reached. A chaos of emotion billowed from his shape, heavy with so much frustration I could feel the claws of it rake over the curves of my silhouette.

Rather than attempt to contain it, Kylo swiftly turned to leave, taking the swirling cloud of energy with him as his figure stormed out my sight.

My body was frozen, minutes passing in fixed contemplation, until my legs failed me. I slumped down to the cold ground, the thumping sound of my heartbeat the only thing that remained as I succumbed to the misery I’d held back.

“Psst! Alex!”

A recognisable voice, female and sweetened with urgency, pierced the air, followed by the tentative movement of two figures entering the room.

“Risha? _Vicrul_? What _hell_ are you doing here?”

Vicrul let a low chuckle seep out. “Funnily enough, we were going to ask you the same question.”


	43. Training

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here's something I never thought I'd be posting,
> 
> A Poe POV chapter
> 
> To be honest, this is more than a little self indulgent, so there's not too much furthering of the plot. It can also be attributed to [Littlecorinthian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlecorinthian/pseuds/Littlecorinthian) throwing me an INCREDIBLE idea that I had to explore further. 
> 
> This was definitely more of challenge for me, so hopefully I managed to pull it off. Much love!

_Stupid_.

So _fucking_ stupid.

Walking away like that. Just giving up, so easily.

I should have tried harder. Begged longer. Held onto her tighter. Commanded that she stop thinking about going through with such a _fucking_ pointless endeavour. Ordered her to stay.

Anything.

I should have done _anything_ other than just walk away.

Truthfully… I couldn’t blame her for wanting to leave.

It was _selfish_. Pushing that ring in front of her, talking about what _I_ wanted, the future _I_ hoped for.

We’d never even talked about it before that moment. Marriage. Children. Any of it. And then there I was, in the middle of a _fucking_ war, making it seem they were the only things that mattered.

Tears in her eyes, body shaking with guilt, she spoke only of how she’d never be enough. That she couldn’t be what I needed, what she thought I deserved.

A secret kept because she was convinced it would be our end. That I wouldn’t be able to handle the truth of her new circumstance.

_Good work Dameron. You sure as **hell** proved her right. _

I didn’t scoop her into my arms like I should have. I didn’t press her hard into my chest, wipe her tears away and tell her everything would be okay. I didn’t do a thing.

I just stood there. Unmoving. Unsympathetic.

_Like an idiot._

I thought only about how she’d lied. How her revelation thrust a new reality into my life.

There were no thoughts about how much this would have hurt her. How much pain she would have endured, alone. Physically. Emotionally. How hard it must have been to come to terms with amongst the constant pull and tug that kept snatching at her, ripping this woman in a million different directions.

She needed comfort. Understanding. And I left her there, crying, _abandoned_ , my mind focusing on the new mission at hand. Like I always did.

_Stupid. Selfish. Idiot._

Now, she wanted to give in to fate. Or whatever the _fuck_ was pushing her to _him_. She’d seen all this as some kinda cosmic sign we weren’t meant to live out this life together.

And, well, I’d done pretty much everything I could to help bring her to that realisation.

Although, I had a feeling about what might have really pushed her over the edge.

Within the ancient place we’d explored, I’d noticed the way her eyes wandered over the statue, the one of the Sith Lord. Recalling the history of this man and his exploits, her demeanour changed in a way I was sure only I could notice.

It disturbed her. Not in the same way as the rest of us. History had an annoying habit of repeating itself in this galaxy, and in that moment, I’d watched an awareness click into place inside her head.

She feared what the shell who housed Ben Solo could become, the carnage he would continue to inflict without intervention. And that frustratingly strong self-sacrificing quality she had, the same one I also struggled to ignore… There was no doubt how much it would have cemented her decision.

She had every reason to leave, and I’d given her none to stay.

Picking myself up from the crumpled position at the dejarik table, I marched to the Falcon’s subspace radio, already beginning to fiddle the knobs towards what would connect with the _Tantive IV_ ’s frequency, when Finn grabbed at my shoulder.

“Come on man. You know the orders. No outgoing comms. Too risky,” he warned.

I shrugged him away, differing amplitudes of static filling the air. “I don’t care. I need to talk to her.”

“ _Poe_ ,” he scolded. “Whatever you need to say, it’ll have to wait until we make planetfall.”

My head whipped back to face him. “You don’t understand. I… I really _fucked_ up.”

His returning expression was less than comforting, glancing to the floor, sucking a breath though his teeth. “Yeah, I- _uh_ , heard about what happened.”

“She told you?” I sputtered, swivelling completely around to face him.

“I mean, technically no.” Finn settled himself at the adjoining relief pilot bunk. “She broke down on the way to Letum. Told Rose everything about… _you know_. And then Rose thought it might help if she had someone to talk to who’s been through the same thing…”

Guilt squeezed hard on my insides. Harder than ever before. Knowing she’d been in pain, right here on this ship, and she couldn’t come to me to relieve it.

“What’d she say?” I asked, probably a little too harshly.

He still didn’t meet my stare. “She was more worried about you. If you would be able to accept it. The whole, _uh_ , no babies thing.”

“And?”

“Well,” he gulped, clearly sensing my urgency. “I told her the truth. That you wanted a family, like the one you always talked about-”

“Finn!” I boomed, pacing away from the radio. “ _Frack_! Make it worse why don’t you?”

He rose up with me. “Hey man, you didn’t exactly make the best of this situation!”

My face screwed up, anger sparking only for it to simmer as seconds of stillness passed. Frustrated, a hand ran itself through my hair. “Trust me, I know.”

Finn treaded closer, lending a comforting palm to my back. “Look, I was honest. I told Alex that essentially, your mindset would be a lot different now. That you wouldn’t give a _kriff_ about much else other than her, kids or no kids.”

I peered back to him, my friend, the closest one I’d ever had. “You said that?”

“In a couple of different words, yeah.”

_Even the people around me had a better handle on this than I did._

A dejected sigh left me. “She’s planning on going to Coruscant.”

His eyes blew wide, stunned. “ _What_?! Why would she even consider that? Leaving the Resistance?”

“She’s not leaving the Resistance,” I said sombrely. “She’s leaving _me_. Said it was the right thing for the both of us.”

“ _Oh_. Oh _kriff_ …” He let the silence linger for a few beats, looking understandably awkward. “You really _did_ fuck up.”

Head hanging down, I gently nodded. “Yeah.”

“But would Leia let her go?”

“Of _course_ she will,” I huffed, somewhat bitterly. “A chance to neutralise the First Order’s greatest weapon and bring her son back? There’s no way she’ll pass that up.”

Finn’s eyebrows drew together. “You really think Alex would be able to do that? Bring him back?”

A memory was quick to rush into my mind. A striking face twisted by pain, voice fragile at the concept of the woman he longed for feeling nothing for him in return.

That expression haunted me. The hurt I’d observed in his eyes. Alex had somehow turned the most unfeeling human being in the universe into the heartbroken man I saw in that hangar, one who had literally just halted his own invasion just at the possibility of making her happy. And she did it without even trying.

My teeth ground together, face growing tense. “She’s the only one who’s got a chance,” I admitted, voice turning sour. “But she didn’t care about any of that until I went and opened my _fucking_ big mouth and asked her to marry me.”

“I mean, it probably would have gone down a _little_ better if you didn’t give her the silent treatment after she finally told you about the infertility thing.” He shot his hands up in defence after noticing my blackened glare. “Oh come on, you can’t really deny it.”

My hostility only survived for a few short seconds, soon melting into resignation. “I haven’t even told her I’m sorry yet.” Eyes darted to the radio. “That’s all I wanted to do.”

“Look, wouldn’t you rather say it to her face? Not over a crappy radio signal?” he reasoned.

“But she’s with Leia on that ship right now, probably making plans about how they’re going to work the departure,” I insisted. “And I just… I need to hear her voice.”

Finn drew a comforting smile on his face. “You will Poe. Her _actual_ voice, when we safely make planetfall and you get on your knees to do all the grovelling you need to make her stay with us.”

A part of me wanted to smirk. It really wasn’t the most unreasonable prediction.

“Fine,” I grumbled, crossing my arms. “No comms.”

A sudden pang of fatigue wafted over me, having had little in the way of rest with the last 48 hours. Even curled into Alex’s tiny cot, I’d spent most of the night still awake, just savouring having her close.

“I think… I might try and get some sleep.”

Finn nodded. “Sure thing man. I’ll go keep Chewie company.” Another comforting smile flashed, patting the top of my shoulder before strolling out of the main hold.

*

Even with the fog of exhaustion hanging over me, it remained difficult to relax. All I could think about was what I wanted to say to her, trying to conjure up the most pathetically endearing apology I could think of that might change her mind.

But constant yawns and droopy eyed expressions would do nothing to help my case. I needed to settle my mind, and there was only one way I was ever able to do that. What I did to drift off the nights we were apart, wishing she were resting peacefully next to me.

Dream of her. Recall the memories as if they were happening all over again. Picture her face, her voice, in a scene already played out, lost to the past, but etched into me like carvings on archaic stone, living on no matter the amount of time that passed.

*

It was a particularly humid evening on Ajan Kloss, sun setting low beyond the tree line to an orange glow in the sky. Landing my X-wing not even an hour ago, I was perched atop one of the wings, a disarray of tools splayed across the durasteel, when I heard a voice holler from down below.

“What’s giving you trouble this time?”

Securing my footing, my head popped over the side to find Alex beaming up at me. And she looked… _mouth-watering_. A blush at her cheeks, a sheen of sweat glittering her skin, she wore a positively tantalising get-up. The thinnest cloth of her shirt clung to her chest, high cut shorts exposing too much skin to comfortably handle right now.

An instinctive smile spread across my face at her sudden presence, yet it still took a few seconds before I could settle the impure thoughts already sprouting in my mind. “The deflector shield generator,” I called. “Started to stutter on the way back from Maridun.”

“Do you even need it?” she asked. “I assumed the great Poe Dameron wouldn’t _ever_ get hit by enemy fire.”

“Just an insurance policy, obviously,” I winked, beginning to precariously make my way off the ship. I could see her studying my movements, eyes skating over the bareness of my arms in the singlet that covered my torso, sleeves of my flight suit tied around my hips in an attempt to cure some of the heat still lingering from the day.

Her arms crossed in front of her bust as I stepped to the ground, unknowingly making my heart pound harder in my chest. “You didn’t want to come find me when you landed?” she questioned, features tainted with an adorable pout.

“Beaumont said you were in the middle of training.” I snaked my arms around her, feeling a slight dampness against my skin. “I know how important it is to you. Didn’t want to interrupt.”

Alex grew even more sulking, a lone finger placed at my lips as I tried to greet her with a kiss. “There’s _nothing_ more important than knowing you got home safe.”

“Well, you know now. I’m here, home, safe and sound,” I smirked. “So I think I deserve a proper welcome.”

Her stubbornness persisted briefly, glaring at me with eyebrows crinkled, before her face slowly melted into a radiant smile. Hands were swiftly at my jaw, pulling my mouth to hers, body slinking close to mine.

Her lips were as sweet as ever, my arms squeezing her tighter as a relieved inhale brought her familiar scent to overwhelm me. Beyond the evidence of her exertion, her floral perfume under-toned with the fresh aroma of antiseptic was potent, and _delicious_. Undeniably her.

“That’s better,” I hummed, palms sliding down her curves, noticing a thickened band of leather looping around her hips. Stepping out of our embrace, my gaze moved lower. “Wait a minute, is that my holster?”

“Oh yeah!” Alex piped. “I borrowed it for blaster training! I figured since you weren’t using it…” A flourished twirl occurred in front of me.

There was a subtle heat that stained my cheeks at the way the belt clung to her shape, two thin straps wrapped tightly around her naked thigh.

“Well, look who’s the action hero now,” I marvelled, voice almost breaking. “Looks better on you than it ever did on me.”

Her eyes widened, shaking her head sternly. “Oh that is _not_ true, trust me.” A blushing smile appeared, fingers beginning to trail up my forearm. “Besides, I could never pull off a flight suit like you do.”

“We don’t know that for sure.” My head gestured to the X-wing behind me. “Could try it out, get you up there, teach you about another type of battle.”

“Uhh, no thanks,” she grimaced. “Flying is _definitely_ not for me. I think I’ll leave it to the expert.”

There was a pause, Alex looking down for a moment of contemplation, an eyebrow arching as another smirk curled her lips. “I’ve actually been thinking about a different way you could help my training.”

A ripple of intrigue filtered through me. True, I was a fair shot with a blaster, but probably couldn’t give her any more pointers than Finn already would have. “Like what?”

“I wanted to test out my Force abilities… on a willing participant.” Her eyes peered up to me, pupils wide, swearing I could see the irises shimmer with a persuading sparkle.

“What would you want to test out exactly?”

Treading close, dainty lips drifted near enough for her warmed breath to tickle my face. “Restraining targets.”

I swallowed hard. “I-I’m sure there would be plenty of people who would let you practise that, in an _uh_ … assault setting.”

Alex shook her head, amused at my naivety, voice barely above a whisper. “That might be the case, but I need the target to be a little more determined for their… _release_.”

My brain was starting to fail me, blood rushing downwards, heartbeat hammering inside my ribcage. It had been _days_ , and this kind of talk only meant one thing.

I was going to be waiting _a lot_ longer.

“So?” she asked, playfully batting her eyelids. “Would you _please_ help me, Commander?”

_Yep, that did it._

My head dipped, defenceless against her imploring stare and sweetened smile. A hand slipped into mine without another word, beginning to lead me away through the jungle canopy. I was infinitely glad for the way the knotted sleeves of my flight suit covered my groin, now hiding the evidence of my anticipation.

Her grip never faltered, not until we were past the entry of my quarters. Her touch was all over me within moments, too impatient to even set the hard lock as her lips clashed with mine. I had little care for it either, taking the chance for my hands to roam the skin so wonderfully bared, our kiss rough and eager.

This was the _real_ welcoming that I longed for every time I had to leave.

But, it was short lived. I was pushed backwards, feet almost tripping under me.

“Clothes off,” she directed curtly. Just as I went to object there was peculiar, yet recognisable pressure that clamped my mouth shut. “You might be my Commander, but I’m going to be giving out the orders for this training session.”

My length tensed harshly down below, the ache mounting, extremely aware how much worse it was going to become with her eyes so sinfully darkened.

I complied, eventually ridding myself completely of my ensemble, stark naked, awaiting further instruction. Alex bit her bottom lip, eyes wandering, with a noticeable heave of her chest.

“I really hope you’re going to return the favour,” I urged, my mind already flooded with images of her uncovered form, never as good as the real thing.

“Soon,” she breathed, regaining her composure. “Sit at the edge of the bed.”

Moving somewhat hesitantly, Alex’s stare never left my figure, watching me keenly as I settled onto the mattress.

There was a hush that arrived then, her lids closing. Breathing slow. Ridding all tension from her muscles. I’d seen this before, the way she centred herself, a way to open her mind to whatever strange energy stirred inside.

I expected her small hand to rise, having only seen her execute abilities with some kind of action, yet she remained motionless. A feather-light whisper of air traced over my wrists, gentle at first, although as the seconds passed I could sense the grasp tightening.

There was no time to react before both my arms were pulled behind me, a coil of… _nothing_ keeping the limbs fastened together.

“Perfect,” Alex murmured. “Now, let’s see you try to overcome the binding.”

I strained to break free, pulling hard against the invisible constraints. And it was absolutely pointless. Locked into place, completely unmoving.

It wasn’t until this moment, having been slightly doubtful of how effective this whole thing was going to be, that I began to realise how to be utterly at her mercy I would be.

_Oh fuck._

Alex detected the spasm of panic that came with this awareness, looking exceedingly pleased with herself.

“Don’t look so worried. I’m not here to dole out punishment.” She started to unclip the fastenings of my holster, letting it drop to the floor with a thud. “That’s your job.” She smiled to herself, stepping out from the shorts I sincerely hoped I would encounter again. “I just need to test the extent of my Force grip.” Her shirt was the next piece to be peeled away, abdominals contracting at the view of her breasts held snugly in her bra. “And I can only do that if the target has… adequate reason to free themselves.”

She walked forward, steps purposefully slow, building the tension that sat heavy in my lungs. With her bust directly at my eyeline, she reached behind to unhook the clasp with one hand, the undergarment falling away to expose her exquisite, supple tits.

“Really, I just need you to hit the peak of your _struggle_.”

My pupils dragged to her mesmerizing gaze. “I think I’m already there.”

“Oh _sweetheart_ ,” she taunted. “We’re not even close yet.”

A set of fingers rose to her mouth, tongue slipping over the tips to cover them in a thick layer of saliva. I followed as she drifted them down, finding the pert nipple, delicately swirling her touch over it. The gratified hum that left her was intoxicating, captivated by the way she toyed with the bud, moisture making it glisten in the low light.

I groaned, the sound gravelled, my cock pulsing with overheated blood. Alex didn’t relent in her display of temptation, skating her other hand down her stomach, slinking past the border of her panties.

Her head rocked back with a subtle relief as she began to touch herself under the cover of fabric.

“ _Fuck_ ,” I gasped, the pain below rippling down my legs. Again I attempted to wrestle out of her hold, thoughts saturated with the distinct wetness coating her fingers. How much I wanted to taste it.

And again, there was no strength I could muster to liberate myself.

I was ready to curse at how cruel she was being when her hand removed itself, setting the fingertips at my lips. There was no hesitation, enveloping them quickly into my mouth and sucking every ounce of essence from the skin.

There was nothing like it in this galaxy. The flavour of her. I knew it definitively. Sweet, yet with an invigorating tang that conquered all logic. Absolutely delectable. I would never get enough of it, as long as I lived.

I’d hoped to savour it a little longer when, in one swift action, my back was thrust into mattress, the restriction over me lifting only for my wrists to be secured above my head. My eyes trailed down, Alex already on her knees between my legs. That sight in itself was enough for a frustrated moan to rustle from my chest.

Nails trickled up my thigh, making swirling patterns at they drew closer to my _throbbing_ erection, pelvis instinctively bucking at her delicate motion.

She was mockingly sympathetic, pouting her bottom lip. “ _Oh_ … Does my Commander want me to suck his cock?”

“Please. _Maker_ , yes. _Please_ suck my cock,” I begged, the words breathless, my dignity evidently nowhere to be found.

“Make me _sir_ ,” she growled. “I want you to force that _hard_ cock down my throat.”

There was nothing I wanted more. For her to _choke_ and _splutter_ and _gag_ on it. But as much as I fought harshly against the imprisonment this formidable woman had over me, it was futile.

Alex snickered at my exasperated hiss, also seeming somewhat impressed at the improved command she held in her abilities. Plush lips moved tormentingly close, exhaling gently, the sensation of her breath sending a sizzling electric current through my whole body.

“I guess I’ll just have to do it myself,” she purred.

There was a tense grip that suddenly coiled around the base of my erection. Starting from the very hilt, Alex slid a long stripe of her tongue up the length, right to the tip, gathering the dribble of precum that had seeped out.

Every muscle clenched, my moan echoing into the heated atmosphere around us, the noise turning coarse as she continued to swirl over the head, skating lavishly over the reddened flesh.

Her mouth retreated only to shoot a ball of spit, palm collecting the moisture and rubbing it repeatedly down the span of my dick, stroking it within an enthralling grasp.

As promised, lips glided down, tongue slithering around the hardness, swallowing me entirely. That action was repeated, over and over, bringing forth an exhilarating thump of pleasure through my limbs. Her stare pierced mine, never conceding, watching me fail miserably in containing my groans and whines. 

A thread of spittle stretched from her mouth as she withdrew. Wiping the fluid away, Alex rose to her feet, panties being slipped down her legs, leaning over my shuddering form.

“It’s okay baby. You’ve been _so_ good. Just one more test.”

My lids squeezed shut as teeth ground together, already at the brink of insanity. In the back of my mind, I was all too aware she would afford me the same allowance I offered her in scenes like this. I could mention a single number, and it would all be over.

But a part of me was too stubborn. She’d never given in, not even with the most brutal of my punishments. So, I wouldn’t either. I just had to hold out a little longer.

Although, that resolve was hard to keep when Alex moved to straddle my hips, setting herself precisely over my cock. Hovering for a few moments, she slowly sunk down, the heat of her cunt radiating fire through my blood.

_Fuck, she was **perfect**_.

A harsh sigh left her as she filled her core to the brim with my whole length, my moan aligning with the sound. Crawling down to meet my face, breasts pressed against my sweat-covered torso, she smiled as my hardness twitched inside of her.

“Ohh, I’ve missed this so much,” she whispered, fingers weaving through my hair. “It’s all I can think about when you’re away.”

I attempted to lean upwards, desperate to show how much I agreed with her statement, but Alex pulled her lips from my reach, instead touching them sweetly to the line under my jaw. Light, delicate kisses drifted up, each one inciting a buzz of sparks to flicker over my skin.

It was impossible not to shiver when her heated exhale blew directly into my ear.

“You wanna _fuck_ this _tight_ , _wet_ pussy, Commander?”

“Yes! Please! Just let me _fuck_ you,” I heaved. It was when I pushed to follow through on that craving, attempting to drive my pelvis into hers, that it became clear.

A crushing pressure had descended over my whole body, completely unable to move.

“Go on baby, _fuck_ me,” she whined softly, continuing to scatter kisses down my neck, across my shoulder, fingers gently tracing up my arms. “I need it so badly. Need you to fill me _over_ and _over_.”

I tried. _Maker_ , how I tried. Every effort was useless. No matter how much exertion I poured into making a single movement, I was frozen.

Alex chuckled. “What’s going on Commander? I thought you wanted to _fuck_ me good and hard?”

Tears of frustration stung my eyes as I writhed against the weight clinging to my frame. “I’m _begging_ you Alex,” I panted. “Please, _please_ , let go. Let me fuck that perfect little cunt. Let me make you sore.”

“Oh no. I don’t think so.” Her face was back to meet mine, taking my bottom lip between her teeth, biting hard. “I think I’m going to do that this time.”

Hips began to slowly rock, walls clenching around my cock as she dragged herself back and forth. The following breaths that escaped my chest were ragged and uneven, some of the agonising ache finally relieved by her luscious movement.

Even this would have been enough to satiate me, but soon her pace accelerated, beginning to bounce on top of me, feeling my pulsing length stretch her again and again. She herself became lost in the pleasure, increasingly loud whimpers seeping out, her words babbling.

“Oh… oh _yes_ … you feel so good _sir_ … So good… Filling me so well…”

There was a moment that arrived after the many minutes that passed by so effortlessly, when the binding that had previously held me so still just… dissolved.

I could see it wasn’t intentional with the way she squealed as I sat up, latching my hands to her cheeks, wrenching her lips to mine in a violent kiss. She maintained the smooth motions of her hips, grinding into my lap, stimulating me in a way I hadn’t encountered before.

Her arms snaked around my torso, nails scratching into the flesh of my back. I might have used my new freedom to have her exactly the way I wanted, but my climax rushed even closer, pounding brutally deep in my abdomen.

Really, it was her urgent kiss that helped me climb that peak so quickly.

It always was.

“Alex- I- I’m going to-”

Breathless, she panted a question. “Where do you want to paint me _sir_?”

“W-what?”

“My cunt or my face? What do you want to paint with your cum?”

My mind was too much of a blur to respond properly. “ _Fucking_ hell-”

“An answer Poe!” she demanded, a hand clawing around my throat, forcing me to look at her. “Give me an answer!”

I chose one out of pure impulse.

“Face. Let me _come_ on that pretty face.”

Alex shifted away, immediately dropping to her knees. Before I could clear my head enough to begin the act of stroking myself to completion, she had her petite fingers coiled around my shaft, pumping up and down, tongue circling the tip once more.

“Cover me in it baby. I want it all over.”

I was thrown off the edge, falling headfirst into a heat tainted orgasm, flames billowing through my veins. Waves of pleasure pounding from within, spurts of my release staining Alex’s skin as she held her mouth open.

My fingers clutched ruthlessly into the sheets at my side, the unbridled moans I’d released simmering down, watching as she licked her lips, humming with satisfaction.

“Thank you _so_ much for the assistance in my training Commander,” she cooed. “I’m truly in your debt.”

“Get on this bed, right now.”

She cocked an eyebrow, about to reply when my hand clamped over her mouth.

“No. That wasn’t a question. It’s my turn.”

*

“Poe? Buddy? You awake in there?”

It was Finn’s voice that abruptly ripped me out my dreaming, calling through the intercom. I groggily rubbed my eyes, caring little for any flight updates after being torn from memories.

He didn’t wait for my reply. “Just wanted to let you know we’ve landed.”

I’d never moved so quickly in my life, dashing past the door of the crew quarters, headed straight for the boarding ramp.


	44. The Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter of the new year! Thank you to EVERYONE who gave me their love and support during 2020, you truly made it less of an absolute dumpster fire! Fingers crossed 2021 is kind to you all!

Risha scurried to the invisible barrier between us, hands hovering as if to reach towards me. “What happened Alex? How did they find you?”

Sluggishly, I pulled myself to my feet. “They didn’t _find_ me. I came here of my own volition.”

“You just let them capture you?” Vicrul questioned, stepping close to Risha’s side. “Doesn’t sound like you.”

An aggravated sigh left me. “I didn’t exactly think I would end up in a cell again when I made the decision to stay behind on Ajan Kloss.” Fingers pinched the bridge of my nose. “This is so far beyond what I thought would happen.”

Risha’s features twisted into incomprehension. “Huh? I don’t understand. What would you possibly come here for?”

“For a very meaningless reason, apparently.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Vicrul breathed, clearly struck by a sudden perception. “You… You were coming for Ren.”

I didn’t speak the affirmation, merely a nod in his direction. There was more insight that silently overcame him, understanding the true reason behind my reinstated captivity.

“Kinda poor timing on your part,” he muttered, attempting a sympathetic smirk.

“I’m well aware.”

A huff sounded from his side, Risha irritated by our vagueness. “Would either of you like to enlighten me about what the _frack_ is going on?”

My eyebrows drew together, stare still centred on the Knight. “You haven’t told her anything?”

“I gave you my word,” he asserted. If not so clouded by gloom, I might have smiled at the sentiment, warmed by the thought Rey’s influence hadn’t extended beyond Kylo. At least, not yet.

“Alex! For the love of the _maker_ , tell me why you’re in this cell!” Risha burst, becoming increasingly distressed.

“Alright! Okay!” I yielded, palms up in a soothing wave. “Do you remember when we were preparing for the Gala, and the discussion moved onto the topic of the Supreme Leader?”

Her head cocked to the side, mulling over my question, when the realisation hit her. “Oh. _Oh_!” Yet the abrupt understanding swiftly morphed to more confusion. “But you said you didn’t particularly like him?”

I couldn’t hold her gaze, looking to the floor, arms gently clutching my chest. “That… changed. Quite, _uh_ , significantly. It’s a long story.”

She appeared somewhat frozen in her reflection, mouth open, when in the next instant her hand was swatting at Vicrul’s chest.

“You knew about this and you didn’t tell me!?”

“She made me promise not to!”

“She’s my friend you _laser-brain_! You know she wouldn’t have cared if you told me something as important as this!”

“Hey! I keep my secrets! Why do you think we haven’t been caught yet!”

“ _Woah_ , hold up,” I interjected loudly, cutting off their bickering, a smile beginning to creep in. “Are you two…?”

Their eyes snapped to me, before they locked to each other with an unspoken exchange. I could have combusted into flames of disbelief when Risha finally answered.

“It just… happened.”

Vicrul scoffed. “Yeah. Not like you didn’t follow me to Coruscant or anything.”

“I did not!” she ranted back. “I was specially selected to work in the Imperial Palace medic bay. I’ve told you this a million times.”

“And I still don’t believe you,” he taunted, leaning close to her face. “I know you _begged_ to be placed here, just stay near me.”

Risha turned playfully challenging, dragging a finger lazily over his chest. “You’re the one who keeps sending me stealth comms to meet here.”

“You haven’t refused a single invitation.” Vicrul gently grasped her hand, laying a sweetened kiss on the knuckle.

A blush creeped into her cheeks, smiling bashfully towards him. “You’re a hard man to say no to.” 

“I’m always so pleased that you don’t.”

They were too enamoured with each other to notice my grimace. This scene would be sickening even during a regular day cycle, let alone with the current state of my affairs.

“So no one knows about this?” I prompted, attempting to pop the bubble they’d created around themselves.

“Just you and Kuruk,” Vicrul replied, his focus returning. “There’s no keeping secrets around that man. He notices _everything_.”

“Didn’t catch on to mine,” I pointed out.

He dipped his head, conceding. “True. You had us all duped with that one.”

Risha groaned. “Oh come on! Another thing I don’t know about? What is it this time?”

Vicrul motioned to the gleaming wall keeping us apart. “Not your usual cell this one, is it Ri? Why do you think that is?”

Again, she looked to him curiously, before her gaze darted over the barrier, scrutinising the slowly pulsing waves of energy. Her face fell two shades lighter when the answer came barrelling into her awareness, jaw dropped in disbelief.

“ _You’re a Force user_?!”

My returning expression was somewhat sheepish, guilty over the countless moments I’d evaded telling her of this truth. I tried to exude an air of apology when finally nodding.

“ _Oh my stars_! This explains everything!” she exclaimed. “Why the Supreme Leader kept you as a hostage! Why he allowed you to work instead of killing you on the spot! Why you couldn’t tell me!” Her aura buzzed with a glittering show of sparks, such overwhelming relief in knowing precisely what had brought our lives to be intertwined.

“You should have seen Ap’lek’s face when Ren informed us. He was _pissed_ he didn’t figure it out first.” Vicrul chuckled to himself, while the ache in my chest made itself known once more.

“Did… Did Kylo tell you how he found out?”

“Vaguely, as is Ren’s forte,” he disclosed, barely smothering the roll of his eyes. “He only spoke of a Force connection brought about with no intention from either of you.” Arms became crossed, his stare studying my face, suspicious. “He also mentioned how defiant you were of surrender. Even with the promise of mercy for your rebel friends. This all ring true for you?”

There was a small urge to scowl at his term, keeping my demeanour as cooled as possible. “That’s a fairly accurate recount.”

“So why the turnaround?” His eyebrow twitched upward. “What kept you on that planet, your main purpose for evasion already exposed, only to willingly hand yourself over?”

Risha stole the opening for a reply, my mind struggling to retrieve an adequate lie. “The other man. The one who rescued you.”

There it was again. Misery. Scratching at my insides, raking over already open wounds, raw and bleeding into my own flesh. I was almost sure the nausea that washed through me would only expel the same red stained liquid that spilled at the swing of a fire-filled blade.

My taut silence was more than incriminating, yet Vicrul posed his next question to the woman at his side. “What’s this about another man?”

“There were rumours… Ones I didn’t think had any real accuracy.” Pushing spectacles up the bridge of her nose, I saw her eyes clearly as they studied my forced expression of indifference, hands refusing not to tremble at the strain. “Whispers, supposedly born from erratic security footage, that it was single man that infiltrated the _Finalizer_. Just to save you.”

Evidently, this piece of information was news to Vicrul, his eyebrows raised in subtle surprise. “That seems like a fairly bold plan, even for the Resistance.”

“Wait,” she breathed, a memory clearly rising back into her consciousness. Risha became transfixed, captured into a hardened trance. “Alex, show me your stomach.”

Even in the absence of noise, the world around me seemed… loud. Overcoming. To be reminded of this, to live through the scene from a new, tormenting perspective, it left me barely holding to the fraying remnants of my composure.

Fingers numb, I fisted them into the cotton of my shirt, pulling the material to expose the jagged scar underneath, still appearing just as fierce as the days following my waking.

A palm flew to Risha’s open mouth, her chest heaving in a startled breath. “It’s _true_ ,” she gasped. “What they said he did.”

It was Vicrul’s turn to flare at our ambiguity. “Who? Who in the _hell_ did that to you?”

_He hadn’t told anyone. He hadn’t admitted it._

“Surely you’ve seen that type of scar Vic.” Her fingertips floated across the barrier, guiding his view. “The irregular streaks, the burn patterns. Only one weapon makes that kind of wound.”

When it washed over him, the facts laid bare, his spine straightened, jaw set rigidly, lips threatening to curl into a snarl. “Ren did this?”

I nodded.

His movement was so quick the blackened blur of his shape vanished into the walls as he stormed to leave.

“Vicrul stop!” I bellowed, the sound coarse as it echoed out. “Where are you going?”

“To make him answer for this! See how much he likes a slash across the gut!”

I cursed at the plasma wall, racing up to it in complete redundancy. “He’ll know you were down here! And he’ll ask questions you don’t want to answer!”

He became frozen mid-step, shooting around to look at Risha, before his eyes found mine. An incensed growl rustled from his throat, rushing back to meet me, a ferocity in his aura I had yet to witness.

“I can concede to the unspeakable things we’ve done in this life, the wanton destruction we fed off for years at the bidding of our previous leader. But it was Kylo Ren who challenged that, commanding that no injury or death would be without suitable purpose.” Nostrils flared as Vicrul centred his stare to my abdomen. “What he did to you… It goes against _everything_ he demands of us, _everything_ he wants us to believe.”

There was an irrepressible stiffness between my ribs within my next breath, hoping to keep voice even. “It wasn’t intentional. Some of the fault lies with me.”

Vicrul was doubtful, yet his shoulders settled out of their tense position. “What does that mean?”

“The blade wasn’t meant for me. I stepped in front of the swing. To spare the man who came to liberate me from that ship.”

“Such a quick execution for a Resistance member? This isn’t making any sense.”

Risha sighed in frustration. “You can really be dense sometimes Vic. How are you not getting this? A single man makes a daring rescue. Alex sacrifices herself to save him from the Supreme Leader’s attack. Why would two people do such dangerous and _stupid_ things?”

His faced screwed up, the comprehension she was leading to seemingly not obvious. Her hand whacked into his arm, sending him a heated glare of exasperation. “They love each other! That’s why she stayed on that planet!”

“But… you and Ren… I thought…” he stammered.

“What he and I became, it was never part of the plan.”

“The plan?”

“To find my way off the _Finalizer_. Kylo… He was only supposed to be the means to an end.” I swallowed hard, the action burning my throat. “My intentions weren’t exactly honest.”

Vicrul seemed taken aback, more than I ever would have predicted. “You were using him?”

“In the beginning? Yes. I can’t deny that. But things rapidly became… so much more complicated.”

There was a knowing smile that began to tug at Risha’s lips. “Because you started to care for him too.”

It wasn’t a question. She, like so many others, were quick to sense the otherworldly connection that bound me to this man. Maybe it had always been there, maybe it had been forged the moment our skin bonded for the first time. Either way, our existences were now entwined, blended into each other’s reality, unable to escape.

“This… It explains a lot,” Vicrul murmured, reflective.

“In what way?” I asked.

As memories sparked to life, the expression he wore twisted into one of unease. “The assault on Coruscant… I had never seen such uninhibited _rage_ in him before. His words were confined to orders and nothing more. And as soon as command over the planet was secured, he disappeared. Didn’t hear from him for a week.”

“He didn’t tell you where he went?”

“Nope. Told exactly no-one where he ended up. We all assumed he went searching for you alone.”

My eyes were trained to the floor, shaking my head. “He couldn’t have been. He thought I was dead.”

“Until you connected again through the Force, right?” Risha guessed, giving her a curt nod as my reply. For someone who had no knowledge of my abilities only minutes ago, she was following along with the concept exceedingly well.

“Must have been the night he obliterated his quarters, a couple days after his return,” Vicrul remarked gruffly. “We were all dispatched within the hour to go looking for you. Clearly we didn’t need to bother. Just had to wait until you decided to show up yourself.”

A defeated sigh left me. “A foolish decision.”

“Not foolish.” He attempted look of warmth. “Just _way_ too late.”

“Why?” Risha piped. Evidently the appearance of Rey, and the imposing nuptials, had occurred so abruptly the news yet to circulate to the staff of this palace. 

Just as my lips parted to regale the story of our disastrous reunion and subsequent imprisonment, there was a ripple of energy that captured my attention.

“Guards are back,” I warned, voice hushed. “You two need to get out of here.”

Vicrul snatched his hand into Risha’s, attempting to pull her away. She resisted his effort, a deepened fear lurking in her irises. “I still don’t know why you’re stuck in there.”

“Vicrul will be able to fill you in.” My gaze shifted to him. “You can tell her everything.”

His head dipped, acknowledging my assent. With the sentries moving closer he remained muted, dragging Risha with him towards the secondary exit they had emerged from, one that held a distinct feel of secrecy around it, the doorway melding discreetly in-between two other cells.

The seal slipped shut behind them just as two of the onyx clad individuals entered into the cell block. Even without the view of their eyes, hidden underneath smooth plastoid masks, I felt their glares piercing my lone figure.

My palm waved in a mocking gesture of friendliness, little reaction coming within their movement. They marched around the space in complete synchronisation, scouting the area before making their leave.

In solitary once more, I sank down to the floor, leaning against the solid back wall. It occurred to me as I mindlessly studied the space that no cot or sink kept me company. I could only assume this meant my holding here would be somewhat temporary.

Or my extended stay was going to be a significantly more uncomfortable one.

As minutes drifted on, the quiet that descended caused my thoughts to focus inward, searching over my memories for a clue, an explanation, anything that could have cautioned me of what in the _hell_ happened to Rey.

I wasn’t fooled by her talk of new perspectives and miraculous shift in ideals. Even without her physical presence on the Resistance base, her optimism and assured belief in the power of the light were well known, trickling down into the ethos of the entire fleet.

Rey was their hope, their radiance amidst the lurking shadow. To think her mind had succumbed to the same darkness she had fought to protect the galaxy from…

There were other factors at play. I knew it for a certainty.

The brief re-emergence of the hooded woman after such a long absence. The vanishing bodies of those who carried the same exterior. The way in which Rey had been imprisoned, tangled lines of unknown medicines piercing her veins. The blunt refusal for any of my healing measures. The unity she now wished to make with Kylo under the guise of love and a dream of peace.

It all meant something. But the dots weren’t connecting. Not in a way I could make sense of. Too many peculiar details, not enough links between them. 

And in complete honesty, I just… didn’t care. Not right now. My attention was ensnared by other matters.

His blackened eyes. The contempt within his words. The callous nature of his strike.

I thought I was walking into the dawn of a new future. Yet the man who sat at that throne was an echo of our past. Cold. Unfeeling. His true emotion repressed to the depths leaving only anger and violence to flare.

_Nothing. He said I meant nothing._

It was karmic. Punishment. The hurt I had sent out into the universe had returned as its own form of torment.

Is this the pain he felt? An ache so profound it engulfed every facet of my mind and body?

Crying didn’t seem enough to exhibit the type of despair that gripped me in a suffocating hold, even breathing a tortuous endeavour.

So I remained frozen, silent, staring into the greyed stone that surrounded my slumped figure, tracing over the cracks forged in decades past. It had likely been many years since such a cell was even warranted, let alone used. I might very well be the last to sit here, the Force adepts of this galaxy seeming to be a dying breed.

That thought made my concentration shift to a realisation I had yet to encounter.

There was no questioning the role of ancestry and genetics in the passing of Force abilities from a parent to their children. I’d fretted incessantly about it, anxious of the kind of life a child of mine would lead.

_At least I didn’t have to worry about that anymore._

Kylo seemed to curse the way his lineage had thrust such powers onto him, the expectation and _fear_ they brought with them. He was always destined to be formidable, two generations of undeniable prowess filtered into his blood. Any offspring he produced was exceedingly likely to follow the same pattern.

And that’s what filled me with an unspeakable dread.

With the circumstances as they were now, Rey would be the one to be bear his children. Regardless of her own parentage, a child born from two of the most potent Force users in recent history… There was no telling the kind of strength such a being could possess. Especially one shrouded in the darkness both Kylo and Rey had allowed to penetrate their spirits.

_I can’t let that happen._

It was impossible to wander from the concept, chewing over this disturbing insight as time slowly bristled past. Although the toll of my misadventure started to weigh heavy, energy wavering as my lids began to droop closed. I didn’t refuse the suggestion of sleep my brain offered.

My strategy was already determined. Really, it didn’t differentiate that sharply from the previous approach. However, this time there was little need for discretion, or subtlety. Boldness now the most valuable asset.

All I required was the opportunity to set my daring tactics in motion.

*

Time was a difficult notion to calculate in the confines of this prison. I assumed it was only a few hours later when I was awoken by an insistent cough at the other side of the plasma wall. Hazy vision soon cleared to Rey’s smiling face, flanked by two of the armed soldiers who had no doubt been stalking these prison chambers during my slumber.

Skating my sight over her figure, she’d changed into a more formal attire, a silken charcoal dress clinging to the contours of her lithe silhouette. Long gloves reached past her elbows, causing the lack of fabric over her shoulders and chest to be all the more poignant. It still seemed bizarre to view her mousy brown hair hanging down so freely, softened curls stopping just at the low neckline of her ensemble.

I didn’t attempt to hide the scowl that emerged at seeing her upbeat expression. “Yes?”

“Dinner is due to be served soon,” she beamed, the saccharine tone of her voice only deepening my revulsion.

“You came all the way down here just to tell me that?” I sneered.

Rey ignored my derision. “We would love for you to join us. To toast our engagement.”

“While a warming gesture,” I replied lowly, rising to my feet. “I think I’ll pass on the invitation for _that_ particular celebration.”

“You’d rather stay within this gloomy cell than enjoy an evening in festivity?”

“Truly, I’d rather stick needles in my eyes.”

“ _Mmm_ , a pity you feel that way,” she sighed. “Since your attendance is not optional.”

I groaned under my breath. “What possible benefit does my presence bring to this occasion?”

Quick as lightning, Rey’s persona veered away from its previous buoyancy, a faint glint of malevolence shining in her irises. “We have a few details to examine pertaining to your future here Alex.”

The shiver that coursed over my skin was unsettling, remaining stoic as she stated a cutting order to her sentries when turning to exit. 

“Make sure she is ready and presentable within the hour.”

In crackling snap, the electrified barrier was dispersed, crinkled leather snatching at my arms and forcing me out the home of my short-lived imprisonment. 

*

I did the best with what I was given. It was difficult to imagine Kylo being tempted by the loose-fitting, maroon dress draping my figure, the only garment stocked in the closet of these minuscule lodgings. A tiny residence somewhere in the sprawling halls of this palace, containing a simple bedroom and adjoining ‘fresher.

Staring into the mirror before me, my lips stayed firm with an irritated frown. Here, resources were lacking. No makeup, no styling products. Not that I used an excessive amount in my life thus far, but it certainly didn’t aid in making me appear less like my whole universe had shattered into ruin within the course of a day.

My hair rested into its natural wave, having grown long in the months gone by, tips reaching beyond the line of my bust. Fingers plucked at the scratchy material of my outfit in a hopeless effort to make it sit in a way where I didn’t look like the shapeless box of a woman.

Somehow, I needed to remind Kylo of the body he had once desired now hidden under this abomination. Bending down, I snagged a good inch of the fabric, carefully ripping off the lower hem into a long strip to tie around the curve of my waist.

A successive round of banging knocks on my door startled me while spinning the bow to sit at my back.

“Your allotted preparation time has concluded,” a guard barked. “We must leave at once.”

My lids squeezed tightly closed, drawing a fortifying breath through the increasing beat of my heart. With one final rinse of clammy hands under the sink, I made my way out of the quarters, wondering if I was to return here at the conclusion of the evening or be relegated back to my cell. I suppose that would entirely depend on how insolent I remained.

It was safe to say my chances of sleeping in that bed were low.

*

Walking the brightly illuminated halls of the Imperial Palace was a surreal experience. As a young child I had viewed the grand structure from a large distance during surface level excursions. At the time it was barely more than a morbid monument to the fall of the Empire, empty and unused.

The notion of its redundancy seemed strange as eyes strayed over the impeccably clean and lavishly decorated corridors, armed escorts sticking close to my flanks, guiding me through the maze of immensely large passageways. A set of sturdy doors eventually could be seen at the end of a particularly lengthy one, my pulse accelerating even faster as we strode nearer to them. 

There was no time to calm myself prior to the entry bursting open before me.

My feet unconsciously carried me forward into the dining chamber, my gaze secured to the transparent wall at the rear of the room, much like the transparisteel window of Kylo’s quarters on the _Finalizer_. Though, this view wasn’t filled with endless space.

No, it was the dazzling sight of the ecumenopolis known as Imperial City that sprawled in front of my eyes. Iridescent. _Beautiful_. Tall buildings bathed in night illuminated by millions of glowing lights. It was the first time I’d had a chance to observe the full landscape since descending into its atmosphere this morning.

“A gorgeous scene, isn’t it?” Rey chimed from my side, already sitting at the exquisitely set table. She peered to the new ruler of this planet beside her, Kylo’s face still as stoic and icy as hours ago. “It really was such a wise choice to settle on Coruscant.”

“I’m surprised it isn’t burnt to the ground,” I uttered bitterly.

“Some precincts were more open to negotiation than others.” His tone was flat. Almost business-like.

_Maker, how I hated it._

Rey disregarded my snide remark, gesturing to the seat opposite them. “Come. Sit.”

As I tentatively followed her direction, slipping into the glistening silver chair with rubied pillows, I noted the empty seats circling us. “Is no one else joining this celebration?”

“I thought we would keep it a little more… intimate,” Rey replied, turning to the waitperson almost camouflaged into the corner. Without a word, her hand made a beckoning flourish, initiating their movement.

They were quickly at my side, champagne bottle in hand, sparkling liquid spilling into the flute at my front. There was a heavy quiet as their own glasses were filled, a fizzing of tiny bubbles the only noise to be heard.

Rey captured the crystal in her grasp, raising it higher. “Shall we begin the evening with a toast?”

While initially my stare was pointed to her, it flashed to Kylo when he shared a similar hesitation that momentarily stilled me. Mine was conceived out of pure loathing. His, I couldn’t discern. Only when large fingertips curled around the glass did I mirror the action.

“To the future,” Rey beamed, grazing a hand lovingly over her fiancés arm. “And the fate that brought us here.”

Clinking sounds of glass echoed through the space. Rey was too distracted by her own delicate mouthful of alcohol to notice the harmonised way in which Kylo and I set our beverages down without so much as a sip. 

“I hope you’re hungry.” Her smile was frustratingly chipper. “We’ve a delectable meal planned-”

“Look, can we stop pretending everything is normal?” I clipped, taking a slice through the tension in the air. “You know I don’t want to be here.”

Rey barely flinched. “I assumed it would be appropriate decorum to a least provide you with a meal before discussing serious matters. Surely, you must be starving.”

My stomach churned and bubbled, pleading for sustenance. “I can’t say I have much of an appetite.”

“You need to eat,” Kylo growled, the tone having an edge of command. Narrowed eyes looked to him, his jaw taut.

“I don’t _need_ to do anything.” My focus returned to Rey. “Besides, wouldn’t it be smarter to keep me weak? Seemed to work the last time.”

She shook her head, a menacing amusement radiating from her outline. “You’re of no benefit to us incapacitated in such a way.”

“Being a benefit to you isn’t something I’m going to willingly do,” I maintained. “I thought I made that fairly obvious.”

“Indeed, you made it perfectly clear.” Rey stood, gliding from her place at the table to arrive at a set of wooden drawers. “So I have made accommodations for your predicted defiance.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

My question was left unanswered. Instead, a small, elongated box was pulled from the top drawer, Rey bringing it with her as she settled gently back into her seat. I was quick to notice the way in which Kylo’s eyes refused to meet with what she carried.

The casing was opened with the contents shielded from my view. “Would you kindly present Alexys with our gift, my love?”

At first, he was unmoving, save from the almost imperceptible breath he drew into his lungs. Without giving it a glance, a gloved hand retrieved the item, closing it within his fist, puzzled when he swiftly rose out from his chair.

My glare was burned to Kylo as he marched around the table, my body locked with a fearful anticipation. He halted his movement behind me, the close proximity causing my heart to hammer inside my chest. A long period of stillness followed, holding my breath in waiting, until the familiar sensation of leather was tracing around my throat.

Fire tore through my veins at his touch, gritting my teeth, clenching my lids shut to hold in the helpless whine that wished to escape.

I began to note the feeling of something other than his covered fingertips sliding around my neck.

It was thin. Light. Clinging close to my skin as Kylo secured the fastening at the back. There was a moment where his contact lingered, a thumb softly brushing down under the cover of my hair, before he withdrew.

My own hands darted to the piece as he retreated, instinctively pulling at the ribbon-like choker. It wouldn’t come free, no matter how hard I scratched at the place Kylo had affixed the ends. A caustic look was thrown to Rey’s direction.

“What is this?”

“We can call it… motivation,” she answered, again veering away to catch the attention of the waitperson. “You may serve dinner now.” 

A procession of staff soon followed, carrying an array of trays filled with vibrant and delectable looking foods into the room. They moved in complete synchronicity, setting the dishes down and proceeding to portion out individual meals for each of us.

I couldn’t deny the way my mouth watered at the sight of my filled plate, freshly cooked meats and crisp salads tantalising me. It had been so long since I’d eaten anything so decadent, the rations on Ajan Kloss provided for nourishment and nothing more. 

Still, I refused to give in. “I’m not hungry.”

“ _Eat_ ,” Rey ordered, her expression turning venomous.

“No.”

“Very well then.”

She plucked a small, rounded object from the same box that housed what now wound around my neck. With a simple tap of her finger, agony descended.

An unbearable cascade of pain emanated down every nerve in my body, overwhelming my whole consciousness. Intermittent shocks translated into pure suffering, tears quickly beginning to stream down my cheeks at the torment wracking through my limbs.

It hurt.

It hurt beyond reason or reality.

And in an instant, it was gone.

Gasping, nails scraping into wood before me, my stare darted up to the young woman dealing this distress, her face impassive.

“Do you want to feel like that again?” she posed, rounding her finger over the button she’d pressed.

“H- How are you doing-”

My wailing scream was the only thing to follow, the intensity of her onslaught rising to unthinkable heights.

“ _Stop_!” I cried. “ _Please stop_!”

“Are you going to do as I ask of you?”

Another yelp of torment burst from my chest. “ _Yes_! I’ll do whatever you want!”

“Oh I’m so delighted to hear that,” Rey said cheerily. Even through my blurred vision I caught sight Kylo’s unsettled appearance. “Since we have such an important role for you to fulfill.”

“What-” I breathed,” struggling to regain my poise. “-do you want from me?”

She took a fork and pierced the meat on her plate, chewing as she spoke. “An Empress needs a lot of assistance. Someone to help in everyday activities, run particular errands, provide support in times of stress. In previous ages they called this position a handmaiden.”

“It’s a glorified term for a _servant_ ,” I hissed, not thinking of the consequences.

Rey purposefully skated over the button again, an unspoken threat. “Regardless of the title, we believe this position would be absolutely perfect for you.”

I glowered at Kylo, sending daggers to his tense expression. “We?”

“Your abilities make you the most logical choice,” he said strictly. “Rey will require a certain level of protection in her new role. I have my Knights, and she will have you.”

“There’s a big difference.” My hands moved to grip the seat below, bracing for the punishment my words would bring. “Your Knights actually want to keep you alive.”

Rey chuckled, the musical sound of her laugh searing my eardrums. “That attitude will be easy to recondition.”

The tidal wave of pain crested once more, thrashing around my insides. I tried to fight back, to ignore the burn, but it was beyond the point of overwhelming.

Whimpers and sobs were all I had to give, pointlessly clawing at the choker instigating this excruciating sensation. “No more!” I begged. “S-stop! I can’t take it!”

“All you have to do is agree to the proposal Alexys,” Rey prompted. “Your cooperation will ensure you never need to feel this again.”

I had no choice. My resolve wasted away by the suffering that reigned supreme within my mind.

“I agree!” I howled. “I’ll be whatever the _fuck_ you want me to be!”

This time when the torture was over, my head slumped into the chair, catching my breath through pathetic sniffles. A screeching noise occurred, differing metal colliding together, opening my eyes to find Kylo storming away.

Rey didn’t appear surprised. “Leaving so soon my love?”

“With this matter settled, I have other concerns that require my attention,” he replied stiffly. “I will be in my office if you require me.”

“You know what,” Rey piped just as the last of his heavy strides faded away. “I think I’ll also make my leave. Such a busy day has left me _exhausted_.” The cruelty device remained firm in her hand, she fired one more sinister grin to my sagging figure.

“Goodnight Alex. I’ll see you in the morning.”

A flurry of the most vicious and explicit curses ricocheted in my brain, yet I somehow held enough restraint to prevent them slipping over my tongue. Tight-lipped, I watched as she slipped from my view, sauntering with an unmistakable spring in her step.

My anger might have swelled into a loathing fury if not for the realisation of this perfect opportunity that had so suddenly arrived.

_He would be alone._

*

I waited for an hour. Enough time to ensure Rey would have fallen into a deep slumber.

No longer did an entourage of guards supervise my movements. Their company was now redundant with what now circled my throat.

Bare feet stalked through the palace, not the only part of me that was missing their usual articles of clothing. All undergarments had been left behind in my quarters. I didn’t need them.

It was the muted simmer of Kylo’s energy signature that guided me to his office, hidden away in a deep corner of this mansion. He’d barely shifted in the minutes gone by, his aura exuding a simple hum of concentration.

Separated only by a door, I collected a steadying breath. Did I have any faith this would work? Absolutely not. But I had little else left in my arsenal.

All I needed was for him to touch me. For our skin to connect. To remind him.

There was no lock to impede my entrance, the handle turning with a small twist of my hand. Dark eyes flickered to meet mine as I stepped inside, reaching a few paces from the desk he sat behind.

When plush lips parted to speak, to question my presence, I raised a single finger to signal his silence. 

Gently, I tugged at the bow cinching my waist. Palms then glided under the fabric at my shoulders, allowing the material to slide down my form, the dress dropping into a wrinkled halo around my feet.


	45. Restraint

Silence, with only the whisper of his inhale.

Stillness, while his eyes slid down my naked figure.

A living exhibit of temptation. Standing motionless before him. All I previously held just out of reach, ready for the taking.

He would not concede from this alone, no. I was acutely aware of that fact. Obvious in the cooled demeanour set in his face, the tempered glow of his aura that shimmered with an easily cultivated restraint.

I had further ambitions. Ones there was little doubt he could withstand.

It was when I made my initial movement out of the fastened state we each found ourselves in, slinking closer, that Kylo’s words first pierced the air.

“What is your purpose here?”

“Giving in,” I said curtly. “To a particular request you once asked of me.”

A softened twitch at his bottom lip told me that answer was unprecedented. “You will need to remind me of this request.”

Palms flattened gently on the icy, metal desk, leaning forward. Small illuminations flickered on the data screen covering a large portion of the surface, in urgent demand of Kylo’s attention. He paid them no mind, his stare drifting over the curves of my chest.

“I don’t think you’ve forgotten Kylo,” I murmured.

The use of his name brought about the closure of fists, leather scraping against the glass. “Such memories of you were not worth keeping.”

His answer only caused a smirk to curl my lips. “It’s adorable you think I would believe that.”

“I am stating a truth.” His concentration moved to return my stare, voice turning sour. “Our time together… Fleeting and meaningless. All recollections have since faded to nothing.”

Caustic words had always been his talent. An offensive strike to lowly adversaries. To toy with them, burn their conviction to ashes, long before his physical prowess would need to show itself.

This time, however, was different. It was defensive. Shielding. A way to armour himself from the threat I posed.

With careful elegance, I lifted myself onto the surface, on all fours, hands and knees connecting to the still flashing screen. Kylo slowly recoiled, shrinking into his chair, the contours of his face taut and so telling of the discipline he persisted to cling to.

“Well, if that’s the case, I will do my best to reignite those memories you claim to have lost.” Every action was smooth, forcefully more graceful than I had ever been in my life, placing myself into a sitting position at the closest edge to Kylo’s frozen shape. My nails clung to metal frame, legs dangling into open air, tilting forwards so my sweetened breath would be impossible to avoid. 

“You wanted me to come undone. Just like you had, at the thought of me,” I whispered, tracing my gaze over his cruel expression. Being so near, reminded of the way his features collected into such a captivating display of distinctive beauty, it caused my own command to fray.

My lust for him was potent. Harsh and scathing. Desperate to wind my fingers into the softened, dark waves resting at his cheeks and wrench him into an all-consuming passion.

But that type of bold act would be reckless. And wholly divergent of the objective I came here with.

“Is that what you intend to do?” Kylo queried, his tenor losing a small portion of its firmness.

I nodded. “I know it shouldn’t be without your permission. I only hope you’ll make an exception in this circumstance.” One palm settled behind me, shifting my weight onto it while leaning back to open legs wider. A fingertip brushed lazily down my sternum,, Kylo’s glare captivated by its path lower.

In sudden clarity, his lids closed, bracing himself through the glint of craving I sensed in the shudder of his exhale.

“It won’t matter if you can’t see it,” I smiled, amused by the doomed attempt to clear his head. “You’ll still hear it. Hear me moan your name when I _come_.”

Kylo moved to stand, to escape from the impulse clawing at him rather than endure it. Being prepared for his getaway made my response swift, my hand shooting forwards, a surging burst of power rushing out from the palm.

Shoved back into the seat, his resulting expression was more curious than startled. I ignored his intrigue to splay my fingers, invisible ropes flowing from the tips to coil at his wrists. In a snapping flourish, the strands constricted, limbs secured together behind the chair.

There was an effort to fight the confinement, Kylo wrestling hard against the invisible bindings locking him in place. It took a greater deal of vigour to maintain than I hoped for, straining as he fought my hold.

“You’ve been training,” he muttered through a brutish huff.

“Indeed I have. But that’s a conversation for another time.” I allowed my lungs to fill, settling my mind. One by one, the vines extending from my fingers were severed, preserving the bondage they had triumphed in seizing.

An ability I’d nurtured in a different setting. On a different planet. With a different man.

_No. Don’t think of him now._

Banishing the errant thought, the hand I’d used to incite Kylo’s imprisonment grazed over my stomach, creeping closer to its destination. He didn’t close his eyes in this instance, his focus finally captured to the divide between my legs, breathing deeper.

Instead of brandishing his physicality, his own internal power began to scratch against mine, trying to cut the looping strands. While the sensation wasn’t immediately bothersome, given enough time it would surely overwhelm me.

He was stronger in this sense. I was stronger in others.

Enticement. Tantalisation. A strength I wielded that inspired the only weakness I had found in him.

Reaching the junction of my thighs, two fingers slid into the line of my folds. Humming as they glided even lower, the tips sunk into the essence of my desire, knowing it had seeped onto the surface I was perched upon. 

Kylo’s stoic appearance wavered. The acidic edge to his glare dissolving.

Using the moisture I’d delved into, I swirled my touch over the aching nub of my arousal. There was no way to halt the shiver that cascaded over my skin, a vivid electricity sparking to life from the movement.

A whimper escaped, our eyes linked as the sound oozed from my mouth. Kylo tensed, muscles flexing underneath the thick clothing he wore, lips parting as he sucked a faltering inhale.

My tempo increased without intention. The image of him watching me as I touched myself, it was more consuming than I anticipated. Pleasure blossomed, coursing through my bloodstream, small shocks of ecstasy already sizzling in my limbs, core clenching around nothing.

“I’ve missed you...” I breathed, an indecent whine following the gasping words. “Missed your touch… Your kiss… Your taste…”

Kylo’s legs rustled beneath him, shifting uncomfortably in his seat, drawing my eyes down. Teeth bit hard into my bottom lip at the outline of his erection straining through his trousers.

_He still wanted me._

Another roughened moan left me, head rocking back as authority of my body dwindled to almost nothing, strategy fading into a passing and irrelevant dream.

To think I would have been able to conduct myself with any restraint in front of this man was by far the most foolish thing I’d done to date. And it wasn’t as if the bar was low.

My back collapsed onto the solid desk, immediately arching as another decedent throb pulsed from my centre. The silken motion at my clit intensified, at a learned pace discovered in months gone by to make release rush nearer.

A palm travelled my breast, kneading the flesh, plummeting deeper inside the chasm of bliss I’d readily dived into.

In the blur of indulgence, I could still sense Kylo trying to free himself, writhing and pulling to break the chains I’d bestowed.

I was close, a world-shattering climax just out my reach, helpless groans and sighs thriving from my chest, eager for the point of no return.

A familiar static flash. Focus lost. All over again.

Shackles splintered, Kylo lunged to collect my each of my wrists within a merciless grip, slamming them into the hard surface at my sides. The impact was enough to crack the glass, a subtle thump of pain rebounding up my arms.

Whimpering at the ache, my lids shot open to his face barely an inch from mine, eyes wild with a mixture of greed and malice.

“Why are you doing this?” he hissed, his chest almost touching mine as it swelled with heavy breaths.

The question was ignored, too overwhelmed with the burn of my descending high. “Let me _come_ … Please… I need it…”

A crazed snarl broke from Kylo’s throat. “You don’t deserve to.”

“I’m asking permission,” I begged, body squirming underneath his, in urgent need for any semblance of friction. “Just like you wanted. Please, _please_ let me _come_.”

“You’ve ignored that demand too many times for it to matter.”

Tears stinging my eyes, close to sobbing from the agony of unfulfilled pleasure, my hands slowly opened out of fists, preparing for what was only meant to be a last resort.

Whisps of energy floated from the fingertips, growing more tangible as the stream poured out, creeping over my thighs. An extension of my own touch, skating over bare skin, eventually making contact with the throbbing bud of my clit.

My frame jerked in response to the otherworldly sensation, an incandescent thrill I could barely describe with any accuracy. The exquisite vibrations sent shockwaves of magnificent bliss through my system, relished moans erupting as I trembled with delight.

“H-how… how are you-?” His question fell away at the realisation, likely sensing the pulse of momentum flooding outwards at my will. “I didn’t… I didn’t know such a thing was possible.”

I would have smiled. Basked in the gratification of this newly achieved talent.

There was no time.

Quicker than I could have foreseen, I was crashing into my orgasm, ripping apart at the seams, pleasure seeming to burst out my veins and drown my entire being.

There was no need to hold my breath for a connection. The one I’d been longing to bond with since it was snatched from my existence.

My thoughts became his, threads of his consciousness weaving through my own, sharing the experience of my release.

I knew it in the way his muscles seized. The warmth of his harsh exhale. When his forehead dipped to meet mine.

Momentarily, he was lost in the same haze of decadence, a gentle glow shimmering between us.

So close. His lips were so close.

Soft, luxurious pillows of flesh, yearning to be kissed.

In the moment I moved to grasp this reality, a remorseless clutch wound around my throat. Leathered fingers digging into my neck. Honeyed eyes glaring down with an unmatched ferocity.

I didn’t fight the constriction. Savouring every second, the discomfort brought with it, the suffocated gasps arriving when oxygen levels began to dwindle.

Kylo was muted, waiting for my pleas of mercy, unaware of the satisfaction his grip was igniting.

“Harder,” I rasped, my own hand clamping down over his arm, encouraging the action.

The disbelief was palpable, both in the shock of his expression and the bite of his aura. “What did you-”

“I said, _harder_ … Master.”

My windpipe was crushed under his brutal hold, bringing his face dangerously close, noses touching.

“What do you want from me?” he snarled, his smouldering stare piercing so deep I could feel it in my bones.

“Don’t let me be her slave Kylo… Let me be yours.” I drew in a strangled breath. “Make me yours.”

Silence.

Stillness.

Eating away at me. Unravelling the knot of resolve that brought my feet to his door.

Maybe… it was too late. Infatuation already faded into the endless void of this universe. His hunger appeased by another. 

This was all I had. The only shot left in my blaster. My last hope to claim even a shred of his affection.

To him, I was nothing. We were nothing.

A rush of oxygen suddenly flooded my senses, vision blurring as I was roughly flipped over, chest laying flat over the data screen.

A hand clawed into my hair, yanking the strands within a stinging grip. I whimpered, tears at the corner my eyes, feeling Kylo press his shape along the curves my own.

My heart hammered inside my ribcage when at my rear, a distinct hardness glided into the divide.

“This is what you want?” he murmured, lips hovering at my ear. “Does this pathetic _whore_ want to get fucked by her master?”

_Oh_.

_It worked_.

My whole body spasmed, sparks awakening a volatile inferno of flames low in my abdomen. “Yes!” I cried. “P-please… I want my master’s cock… I need him to fill me…”

Without warning, two fingers plunged past my entrance, coating the leather in my abundant slick.

Kylo hummed. “So wet for me. Dripping for her master.” The fist caught in my hair closed tighter, a low moan seeping out behind me as I heard him suck the removed digits clean from my essence. “I never forgot how exquisite you taste.”

Straightening his torso, only the muffled sound of an unfastened clasp and rustling fabric filled the air.

Lids squeezed shut, bracing through the delicious pain radiating from my scalp, I held back the urge to drive myself backwards. Desperate to finally have his heat against my skin. Impatient to be filled with him alone.

Patience wasn’t required.

In mere passing seconds, long-held desires were forced into this existence, Kylo driving his unfeasibly thick length inside my waiting cunt, right to the hilt.

I had never felt so full.

Stretched to my limit.

Painful. Perfect.

A throaty grunt resonated. “ _Maker_ … I’ve waited too long for this.” Cruelly wrenched upwards, our bodies flush together once more. “And you loved keeping it from me, didn’t you? Made you feel so powerful.” A controlled breath skimmed over my shoulder, Kylo careful not to touch his lips to the skin. “Yet now you’re just a starved little whore, begging me to take you.”

Countless sharp rebuttals sizzled on my tongue, eager to be voiced. Knowing anything other than complete and utter submission would cause this delicately crafted scene to crash into a bitter end, I caged my snide remarks.

Kylo understood my lack of retort as further demonstration of my subservience, his arrogant smirk clear without any visual evidence. Slowly, he withdrew his cock, pulling out slowly, stopping only at the point he may have fully retreated.

I expected a sudden snap of his hips to follow, yet the proceeding advance was a smooth and calculated motion, able to feel every ridge and texture of the hardness sinking inside me. A divine type of hurt, both thrilling and _excruciating_.

Our moans were unintentionally synchronised, each fleetingly mesmerised by the heavenly sensation, before Kylo’s intent was snatched into focus, his tone turning callous.

“This cunt belongs to me now.” My face was shoved into the glass below, biting down whines as carnal thrusts began to split me down the middle, the momentum hurriedly increasing to an unforgiving pace. “Mine… All mine.”

The world around become little else than an extraneous concept. Everything immaterial other than the man burying himself within my heat. An ecstasy beyond measure sending me into a fevered state of delirium.

“My slave takes me so well,” Kylo heaved, a hand clutching at my waist, steadying my frame through the ravenous fucking he’d been so greedy for. “Fits around my cock so _tightly_.”

Incoherent babbling was all I could respond with, slurred words of agreement and praise tumbling from my mouth. Drool had seeped on the glass my cheek was pressed into, warm beads of sweat tracing my hairline, the atmosphere growing balmy with the heat of our passion. 

Indulgent grunts and groans bled from Kylo as his tempo stayed aggressively fast, never faltering, a stamina that had been built over years being used for a wholly different purpose.

Again there were twinkling flashes of a thunderous climax rising in view, spurred even further by the recognition how close Kylo was to his own.

“Your master’s going to soak you with his cum.” His voice was frenzied, almost manic. “Fill you so deep it will drip from your cunt for _days_. Remind you of the whore you really are.”

“Y-yes master… I need it… So badly…”

“It’s what you wanted all of this time, isn’t it?”

“You, Kylo… I just wanted you…”

Crackling strikes of pure energy consumed the room as he made true on his promise. Fingers bruising my flesh, shuddering as the final remnants of his seed spilled into my core.

It made me feel… whole.

Complete.

For this brief chapter of our story, I’d been his.

And maybe, a fragment of him was mine too.

Evidently, such a notion wasn’t meant to linger.

With sudden and devastating lucidity, Kylo abandoned all points of contact. “Get out.”

I scrambled to spin my body, greeted with an incensed glare. “You don’t mean that-”

“I will not ask again,” he threatened. “ _Leave_.”

“Don’t do this-”

My neck was promptly encircled by his hand, feet skittering across the floor as he hauled me towards the exit. There was a pause, stopping at the entryway, opening a palm behind him for my dress to sail into.

A careless shove had me hurtling into the ground, the garment he’d gathered thrown over my naked form. Kylo looking down, face flushed, his expression snared with a festering wrath.

Silence.

Stillness.

Until the door slammed shut before my eyes.


	46. Intent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very short chapter, after a long break. I’m sorry! Just trying to ease myself back in slowly.

Lying undressed and dishevelled on the tiled floor, it was slightly disconcerting my first reaction appeared not to be of humiliation or anguish.

A stinging ache down below secured all of my focus. A throbbing pain born from indescribable pleasure. A potent reminder of how I’d been so utterly filled, how viciously I’d been _fucked_.

It made me smile. Almost on the verge of letting a softened chuckle seep past my lips.

I didn’t care about the snarl of his voice, the bruising severity of his touch, the callous nature in the way he addressed me. I didn’t even care that he’d tossed me from his study with such scolding cruelty mere moments after his climax.

He lost control. Unable to maintain the command of discipline I’d fought my way through breaking. My effort wasn’t wasted, this was something I was sure of.

Choosing to rid me from his sight only after he’d _fucked_ me senseless? The announcement he’d been _waiting_ for such a moment to occur?

A complete and total contradiction of the claim I meant nothing. His realisation of this slip-up coming only seconds after he did.

Shifting into a proper upright position, I slipped the crumpled dress sitting on my lap back over my naked body, eyes quickly scanning the peripheries to make sure I was alone in this scene of indecency. The halls were dark, and eerily quiet, only the sound of my slightly hastened breath filtering into the space.

Paranoia made my stare dart towards the ceiling, searching for any evidence of security cameras. An immense fortress like this would surely have some kind of surveillance. If Rey had been alerted about my movements, I’d be already seized into the custody of several guards by now.

_Better not tempt fate._

It was somewhat difficult to reorientate myself, lightheaded and slightly weakened from the intense surges of electricity still buzzing in my limbs. While eager to return to the safety of my more permanent living arrangements, I kept my footsteps delicate, listening out for any sounds of approaching company before venturing forward.

Every quiet stride came with a reminder. The slow ooze of fluid seeping out between my legs. A smirk painted my lips once more, relishing the feeling of accomplishment, of _satisfaction_.

“A successful endeavour, was it?” an encoded voice murmured.

Leaning against the border of my quarter’s door was Ushar, his face veiled by an unfamiliar mask. He was recognisable only by the fittings of his armour, a dirtied vest snugly fit with a waist-belt, wound around the treated leather most of these men seemed to wear.

Before gloved hands removed it, my eyes swept over the unusual helmet. Not the same sleek Ultrachome Kylo was afforded. Ashy metal welded with strange, non-human breathing tubes acting as a mouthpiece.

I strangled my initial shock at his appearance, crossing my arms in a subtle way to conceal the bareness underneath thin fabric. There was little point hiding the full breadth of what I’d done. It was clear he already knew. And the finger marks staining my throat and wrists were more than telling. “Possibly.”

Ushar sighed gruffly, setting the helmet to rest on his hip. “So, you decided to ignore my warning.”

“Actually, it’s a part of the reason I’m here,” I countered softly, making sure to keep my voice hushed.

The aged Knight smiled, seeming impressed by my reply. “I was hoping you were going to say that.” His head jerked towards the door at his side. “Come. Let us speak in private.”

I cocked an eyebrow, incredulous. “A private conversation? In this place? There’s no way these quarters haven’t been bugged.”

“I know for a fact it has,” he affirmed, stepping away from the wall to gesture towards the entry. “Fortunately for us I have associates who know their way around a First Order security system.”

Memories of the punishment I would receive if this meeting was exposed bubbled swiftly, potent and clear, the choker around my throat feeling tighter than before. It was the earnest significance of Ushar’s expression that dissolved my wariness, slipping by his figure to enter into the small room.

He’d only wanted what was best for me before, and it didn’t feel like that notion had changed. In fact, his presence at this moment seemed to reinforce it.

Settling into a sitting position on the bed, I tried to hide the discomfort wanting to show on my face at the pain igniting down below, along with an unpleasant stickiness rubbing at my thighs. Evidently, it was in vain.

“I would allow some time for you to clean yourself up,” Ushar began, ensuring the hard-lock was secure before turning to meet my stare. “But time is of the essence.”

Internally, I cringed with embarrassment, yet my face showed nothing other than waiting curiosity. “All right, so what did you wish to speak to me about?”

“A common enemy.”

Eyebrows raised, I was intrigued by the reply, his answer somewhat of a surprise. “I can assume you mean-”

“The scavenger, yes,” he finished.

“I dare say she’s not going by that title anymore. It’s been a long time since she’s been stuck on Jakku.”

“Calling her ‘the Jedi’ seems a little absurd given what’s transpired.”

I dipped my head in acknowledgement. “I’m not denying that. It doesn’t matter anyway. We’ll be calling her Empress soon enough.”

Ushar exhaled hard, barely holding down the roll his eyes. “Not if we have anything to do with it.”

“We?”

“Yes, _we_ ,” he insisted, turning even more severe than before. “Or are you comfortable with that noose hanging around your neck the rest of your life?”

My fingers instinctively skimmed over the gifted cause of suffering. I’d already strived to loosen the clasp in the hour before walking to Kylo’s office, finding the latch melded completely together. There was no severing it, definitively sure the sharpest of knives or hottest of flames wouldn’t damage this kind of metal.

“I assume you have some kind of plan then?” I asked, looking to him expectantly.

“Nothing clear cut, not yet at least.” Roughened lips curled upwards. “You’re a lot faster at enforcing strategies than we are.”

I frowned. “That’s not entirely what my intent was tonight.”

“So what was it, your intent?”

_To know he still wanted me. That this wasn’t all for nothing._

“I think I’ll keep some secrets to myself,” I muttered, moving my eyes from Ushar’s weighted gaze. “And regardless, I’m not sure it changed anything. He threw me out… _after_.”

“The fact there is an ‘ _after_ ’ to speak of, that is something extremely reassuring.” Taking a few steps further inside, the Knight placed his helmet on the quaint chest of drawers I’d been afforded, leaning against the piece of furniture. “It certainly took less time to break his resolve than I predicted.”

“It’s not _broken,_ ” I grumbled, recalling the sight of Kylo’s darkened eyes, glaring at my limp body before shutting himself away. “Momentarily fractured, maybe. But he was able to repair it quickly enough.”

Ushar considered my words, pursing his lips in thought. “So, professionally speaking, there would be a weak point there now, correct?”

“If we were talking about fractured _bone_ , yes Ushar. But we aren’t.”

He could sense my irritation, giving little attention to it. “I believe we could use the same fundamental strategies to shatter his resolve for good.”

Looking down to the hands placed in my lap, my eyes traced the reddened lines around my wrists, noticing they’d already started to fade. Taking check of my breathing, it was slow and settled. Surprisingly so considering what others might have thought of as a painful and humiliating sexual experience.

The thought of using the same tactics again, feeling Kylo’s desperation conquer his logic and unleash it onto me in cruel and demeaning ways, was more than just tempting. It was positively _thrilling_.

“I suppose,” I hummed. “My questions revolve more around why you want me to.”

There was an unsettling edge of contempt in his following words. “The would-be Empress is a problem that needs to be rectified. For both our benefits.”

I waited for him to follow on with an explanation, only to be met with a bristling silence. “Again, I’m not disagreeing with you. But it would be helpful for my own preparation to know the reasons behind your objective too.”

An internal debate swirled inside Ushar’s mind, evident in the billowing flourishes of caution around his shape, the aura he radiated saturated with a dense vigilance. “I believe her plans for this galaxy are… malevolent.”

It was difficult to hold back the loud scoff I wanted to give. “You think?”

Well-worn frown lines on Ushar’s forehead creased. “ _Yes_. Whether these new intentions are completely her own or not, I’m not sure. Regardless, she’s compelled Ren to join her on this new path of supposed ‘peace’.”

“So you also think this whole marriage thing is a charade?”

“That is yet to be determined.”

I physically recoiled. “What?”

“The damage you did in choosing another… I don’t believe you’ve fathomed the harm it has done.”

Keeping my face passive was difficult, struggling to contain the guilt thumping in my chest. “Is this something he’s articulated to you?”

“Technically, no,” he stated, for the first time letting his gaze drift away from me. “Ren is quite a vivid dreamer. While I myself haven’t witnessed it, Kuruk has been unable to avoid the visions Ren endured during your absence.”

My eyes nearly bulged out of my skull, gripping the edge of the mattress. “What did they show? His dreams?”

“Pain,” Ushar uttered. “Different aspects of it as time has gone by. Very challenging to decipher properly. But pain nonetheless.” He shot me a meaningful look. “Learning the news of his engagement, the Knights agreed with my hypothesis, that it appeared he was trying to remedy some of this torment by finally joining together with the woman who plagued his obsession before you.” His features softened at the recognition of misery revealing itself on my face. “Although, with you showing up here, ready to give yourself to him… I had assumed that’s what he’d been waiting for all this time. His rejection, and the subsequent imprisonment you’re held under, it implies something more sinister may be occurring.”

A hopeful rhythm fluttered within my heartbeat, relieved I wasn’t the only one perceiving the unanticipated nature of Kylo’s reaction. “You think she’s manipulating him? Controlling him somehow?”

“That is what I wish to uncover. With your help.”

I returned his hopeful expression with narrowed eyes. “What kind of help are you needing? And please, for once, be specific.”

He seemed amused by my annoyed tone, stifling a chuckle as his lips formed a hard line. “Use the opportunity you’ve been given. You will be allowed closer to her than any of us ever will be, so use this time to gather as much information as you can. With it, we may discover her true ambitions before it’s too late.”

“Okay…” I said tentatively. “While I’m not adverse to this whole plan, I do have other priorities.”

Ushar couldn’t smother his smirk this time. “I know. Fortunately, staying close to Rey means being in Ren’s proximity too.” Arms folded across his chest. “Remember what I said about the weak point?”

“Mh-hm.”

“Keep putting pressure on it. However you deem necessary. There is only so long he will be able to withstand the burden.” Heavy footsteps treaded closer, Ushar’s voice growing stern as he stood before me. “Put cracks in his resolve. Smash the defiance into pieces like only you are able to. Splinter it like bone until there is nothing left to rebuild.”

I didn’t know if I could. If I had the strength to remain indifferent against more statements of how little I meant to the man whom I wanted so deeply it _burned_.

Although…

Acting as his slave, over and over again?

Treating him as my master?

Submitting to his punishments and pain?

I could do that.

Peering up, squaring my shoulders with a steady confidence, I nodded. “Alright. Sounds like a plan.”

“Excellent.” Ushar turned, retrieving his helmet before making for the door. “We’ll speak more in due time.” He paused, facing me momentarily. “Oh, and I believe it would be beneficial to have you train with us.”

“ _Train_ with you? Doesn’t seem like something Rey would allow,” I contested.

“It shouldn’t be a concern. For all she knows, it’s for her benefit. To better equip you for possible threats.”

I drew a sly smirk across my face. “The real threat will be closer than she thinks.”

“Precisely,” Ushar winked. “Until next time Alexys.”

*

A service droid was what disturbed my slumber the next morning, bringing with them an array of clothes and items to fill out my new residence. Sleep had arrived surprisingly easily after properly washing the events of the day off my skin, time passing into a new day without the intrusion of dreams I had become accustomed to on Ajan Kloss.

For drifting seconds after my door alarm had been triggered, I forgot where I was. Reflex caused me to reach my hands across the mattress, fingertips awaiting the sensation of warm skin underneath them, to settle myself into the soothing embrace that usually followed.

Not feeling Poe next to me hurt enough.

Knowing I would never wake to that occurrence ever again?

Torture.

_He must know by now._

This was the thought I ruminated on while finalising my attire for the day. A simple, grey dress, the hem just touching the floor, flared sleeves encroaching over my hands. It was extremely reminiscent of the handmaiden ensembles in the Republic era, though lacking in the bright colours and intricate designs I’d viewed in vintage holos.

At the same time my palm floated over the door lock, silently simmering at what this day would entail, I was greeted by Kylo’s looming figure standing in the entryway. While my voice was stolen by shock, he spoke but one word, its sound filtered into a menacing order by the mask he wore.

“Follow.”

He began to march away as soon as the demand was proclaimed, stomping footsteps echoing down the hall now illuminated in daylight. My own feet scurried under me to catch up, his strides significantly larger than mine, making it difficult to keep his pace as he led me towards an unknown destination. 

Nearing an immense, durasteel door, seeming very out of place within this aged mansion, Kylo stopped, swivelling to face me. Only from the experience of our previous encounters did I understand his silence as hesitation, staying muted for a long while, breaths deepened before he spoke.

“I’m aware it is your nature, but it would be wise not to be purposefully insolent. The outcome will likely cause more harm than good.”

I wasn’t afforded the time to reply, having him gesture a palm towards the door-lock to gain entry. Shuffling inside, I could hear Rey’s voice in the midst of conversation. Taking in the space around me, my eyes hurriedly scanned over the myriad of blinking comm-equipment lining the walls.

It was when Kylo’s shaped veered to the side, allowing me to walk forward, that I saw the full scale of the scene I’d walked into.

At the centre of the room, a vast holo-image was displayed, all huddled with the familiar faces I’d left behind.

“Oh wonderful!” Rey trilled. “You’re here! I was just inviting some extremely special guests to the upcoming wedding.”

Within the artificial image, Poe’s eyes darted to mine.

Never in my life had I seen a man look so _angry_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even if I’m not posting, I’m always lurking around on Tumblr. Never be afraid to come say hi! 
> 
> @paper-n-ashes


	47. Memento

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Poe POV! 
> 
> I know this doesn’t further the plot along that much. I’m really sorry! But I felt it was necessary to fill in some of the blanks after Chapter 43. And apparently torture this man more than I already have.

**16 hours earlier**

My feet were almost tripping under me, dust flying with each step as I ran towards the already landed _Tantive IV_. Leia’s recognisable silhouette was stark against the evening sunset of Jinta, a small, rocky planet Galactic South of Sullust.

 _Very_ far away from Ajan Kloss.

Such a world had never been mapped by the Republic, the Empire or the First Order that followed. It was an essentially useless planet, barren of essential resources or helpful fauna.

The Resistance weren’t in need for anything other than concealment, which came in the swirling cover of silica hovering around the surface’s many mountains. Perfect for hiding a fleet and its ships.

It was close to dry, with endless dust storms that would surely erode some of the delicate circuity of our ships with enough time. But this was only a meant to be a place-holder. A last resort for quick evacuation when the need arose.

_Fucking hooded woman. I was just starting to like that sticky jungle planet._

Reaching the General as she was directing some of the engineers to set up the priority one comm equipment, my words came out in rushed wheezes. “Alex in my quarters?”

“No,” she replied bluntly, her face not giving any indication of emotion.

“Setting up the medical tent? Where are we putting that?” I scanned the surrounding environment, a humming swarm of fleet crew scattered across my view beginning to rig light fixtures to the newly erected camps.

Leia pursed her lips, almost bracing herself as she faced me fully. “No, Poe. She’s not there either.”

My eyebrows furrowed, slightly irritated by the pointlessness of her answers. “Okay, well can you tell where she _is_ then?”

“Coruscant.”

The new landscape seemed to tilt, voices and sounds of the lively scene around us turning muffled by the thumping of blood in my skull. “Sorry, it just sounded like you said Coruscant…”

“That’s because I did.” Her face remained blank, as if in the middle of an arbitrary command meeting.

I barely had the capacity to form a complete sentence. “With you... She was supposed to be… This ship… On this ship with you…”

“Alex was never on this ship with me.”

“I don’t- What?”

“She was left behind on Ajan Kloss, knowing a scouting screw from the First Order would eventually arrive.”

My chest felt tight, muscles tensing. “ _You left her behind_?!”

Leia drew a balancing inhale. “It was the choice she made Poe. I had nothing to do with it.”

“You _knew_? You _let_ her do this?” I bellowed, capturing the attending of several ground workers. “Get herself captured again? What the _fuck_ Leia?”

“ _Excuse me_ Commander,” she scolded, her head dipping in caution. “Do you need a reminder you are speaking to your General?”

I couldn’t have cared less. “A General who allows someone to be taken by the First Order for her own benefit!”

Leia recoiled, stunned by my audacity. A subtle temper began to creep into her features. “I took no part in formulating this outcome. And to imply I permitted it to occur for selfish reasons-” her tone delved lower. “-Is _unbelievably_ insulting.”

The heat of my anger should have dissipated there. I should have taken the second to think more logically. More sensibly. But recklessness was a part of the Dameron psyche, embedded through generations, and I was hardly able to suppress it now.

“What’s insulting, _General_ , is you allowing this to happen behind my back.”

“Alex wished for that to be the case. And the reasoning she provided was sound enough for me to agree.”

“Well go on,” I snapped, gesturing my hand out violently. “Enlighten me about this reasoning that made it okay to betray my trust.”

Leia was disturbingly good at keeping herself calm in the face of angered men, barely flinching as my voice grew scathing. “Telling you of her intentions would have caused unnecessary distress.”

“Distress?” I scoffed. “Pretty _fucking_ fancy word for furious!”

“Not _your_ distress, you obnoxious, laser brain!” A palm smacked the side of my head, sending my vision momentarily blurry. “Hers! She couldn’t bring herself to say goodbye! She knew with one word you’d have her staying with us. And she didn’t think that was best for _everyone_.”

The strike forced me to take check, mulling over Leia’s most recent words. Within the seconds of my silence, she took the opportunity to continue, face softening. “I couldn’t have stopped her if I tried Poe. The decision was long made. I think you are already aware of that.”

Reminded of the last conversation we’d had, my stare dropped to the floor. As the ferocity of my resentment cooled within my limbs, in its place rushed a prickling ache, the tendrils reaching all the way to the deepest part of my chest.

At the time, I was too lost in my ignorance to consider her intentions as truth even when she spoke them out loud. This type of hasty surrender… It was reactionary, a way to absolve herself from the guilt and pressure that had returned with even more crushing weight. Both from my still unanswered question and the renewed fear of this galaxy’s downfall.

My shoulders sagged. “This can’t be real. She wouldn’t do this… No goodbye… Nothing…”

In a tender hold, Leia collected both my hands. “In her position, would you have been able to say goodbye?”

“I wouldn’t need to, I wouldn’t go through with something so-”

“Rash? Self-sacrificing?” Leia quipped. “Sounds more like she’s taken a page right out of your book.”

The following seconds felt long, and hollow, hating the truth of Leia’s statement. It was difficult to hold back the quiver in my lip as reality finally dug its claws in, tearing through all manner of denial.

“She’s… really gone,” I whispered, voice having lost all sense of ire. “After everything we went through... None of it mattered. She chose him.”

Leia lips turned downwards in a sympathetic frown. “I think the universe chose him for her. Maybe you won’t understand why now, or for a long time yet.” Dainty fingers squeezed softly at my arm. “It might have been fleeting, but you wouldn’t erase the happiness you had, would you?”

I couldn’t bring myself to meet her eyes. Inside my head, recollections shone with glittering realness. Her infectious smile. Her sweetened laugh. Gentle touches and warm embraces. Comfort even in silence. Countless moments of unbidden and all-consuming passion.

The answer was simple. And _painful_. “No.”

My chin was tilted up by a lightly touching fingertip. “That’s why it mattered.”

“General!” a trill voice called. “Where would you like the weapons cache located?”

Sound picked up around me in a bustling roar, the bubble of our conversation popped, reality settling back into focus.

“We’ll talk more later Poe, okay? Once we get this base up and running?”

Nodding, I forced myself into a confident stance as she walked into the flurry of differing faces, all people who had somehow made it this far against such pitiful odds.

This fleet needed me. To be strong. To be unaffected in the presence of hardship and suffering. That’s what a leader did. What my parents did. What Leia does to this very day.

What Alex would want me to do.

A hand suddenly landed on my shoulder, slightly startling me at its strength.

“Finn,” I coughed, making sure my expression had returned into its more stoic appearance.

“Dude, we have a serious problem. There’s still no response from Rey,” he hurdled out, seeming a little breathless.

“Wait, what? _Still_?”

“The stealth signal we sent out to secure her location hasn’t yielded any results,” Connix confirmed, coming up behind him to join our discussion.

“Not making it back to Ajon Kloss with us was worrying enough,” Finn stressed, the strain showing clearly in his eyes. “But there’s been no distress signal, no coded incoming comms, not a single peep.”

“So she still doesn’t know about the evacuation? Where the new base is located?”

Connix shook her head. “We wanted to secure a direct link to her comm unit before using a data camouflage, so the encoded map couldn’t be intercepted by First Order tech. But we… We just can’t find her. We’ve sent out countless long distance scans and… nothing.”

Finn’s voice grew more urgent. “We don’t know where she is, and she won’t know how to find us.” It was a cold dread that laced his tone next. “What if something bad happened Poe? What if she was captured? What is she crashed somewhere? What-

I gave him a soothing pat on his shoulder. “Finn, buddy, stay calm. I’m sure she’s fine. That girl is more capable than we are put together.” My attempt at a joke evidently didn’t land when he shot me an exasperated look. “I have no doubt there’s a reasonable explanation. Look at what happened to me. I was stranded on an outer rim planet and made it back okay.” I glanced to Connix, who stood waiting for her next directive. “Keep up with the scans, but spread the netting. Reach it as far as Wild Space if we have the power. Also look out for any galaxy wide comms with her code. If something’s happened to her ship, she’ll be trying reach us from an untrusted source, like I did.”

“Right away sir,” she nodded, skittering away to the comm centre still being erected.

“I have a _bad_ feeling about this,” Finn insisted. “Even on her mission to Letum her signal never went dark for this long.”

I couldn’t hide my frown. “It’s concerning, absolutely. And definitely puts a hold on opening up that holocron she almost died to retrieve.”

Finn dipped his head in agreement, before turning thoughtful. “Hey, maybe Alex could give it a go? We desperately need that Sith tech to help increase our energy production capabilities sooner rather than later.”

Never far away to begin with, pain burst forth into the forefront of my mind. “That’s not an option.”

“Okay, I know she’s a little adverse to the whole idea, but if we just explain the circumstances-”

“She left Finn.”

“W-… huh? She left? What does that mean?”

“Exactly what I just said. She’s gone. Stayed behind to get captured by First Order reconnaissance and taken to Coruscant.”

Finn physically recoiled. “Are you kidding me with this? She actually went through with it? Does Leia know?!”

“Leia let her do it,” I muttered, an edge of annoyance seeping back into my tone. “Just like I said she would.”

Speechless, Finn digested the news, the gears turning behind his eyes. When his focus fixated again, glancing to my sorrowed expression, he didn’t speak.

Instead, I was seized into a suffocating hug, arms wrapping around and squeezing tight. He lingered there, stoking a hand over my back. “Poe… I’m so sorry.”

I swallowed hard, gritting my teeth to halt the tears on the verge of breaking.

_No. I wouldn’t cry. I need to be stronger than this_.

“It’s fine,” I croaked, clearing my throat. “There’s more important things to worry about.”

Exiting out of the hug, Finn scanned my tense expression, thoroughly unconvinced. “It’s okay man. I get it. Calm in the face of adversity, right?”

“Not much else I can do,” I shrugged. “I just… didn’t think it would end like this.” The ring dangling over my chest suddenly seemed to _burn_ , marking my skin with an invisible scar.

_I didn’t think it would end… ever_.

“We’re not at the end yet,” Finn contested, seeming oddly sure of himself. “There’s more to the story. I can feel it.”

With my poor attempt at an appreciative smile, I took a steadying breath, in the exhale hearing my name called from the peripheries.

“Poe! Need your help arranging the new landing pad configuration!” Snap hollered, beckoning me over.

I waved, giving him a signal to indicate I’d be over soon, before giving Finn our usual form of farewell. “Meet you for rations later?”

“Sure thing,” he nodded, as we moved past each other in the direction of our next task. “Oh! And Poe?”

My head spun to face him. “Yeah?”

“You don’t have to worry about Alex, you know, with her safety. Taught her a few of my patented moves. Made sure no one would be able to even _touch_ her.”

An amused smirk curled my lips, completely insincere, having it immediately flipped into a bitter scowl as I marched away.

Someone would be touching her. In places only I should have been privy to.

Maybe it had already happened.

Maybe they were entangled within their reunion right now.

Heated breaths skimming over bare skin.

Fingers clawing through loosened strand of hair.

Mouths and bodies writhing in synchronicity.

“Poe, you okay? You look kinda pale there,” Snap questioned, catching my attention as a stinging bile bubbled inside.

“Yeah- I _uh_ \- I just need to grab something from my quarters. I’ll be back in a sec.”

My strides were rushed, thankfully melding into the liveliness around me, beginning to jog towards the _Tantive IV_.

Oxygen seemed hard to collect, lungs swollen inside my ribs, dragging inhales through my nose as I scrambled through the empty hallway to my door. The hard-lock was blurry, barely able to press in the code with trembling fingertips, my mind swirling.

As the durasteel slid open, my feet moved on autopilot, frantic, only just reaching the ‘fresher sink before heaving the entire contents of my stomach into the metal.

It was several long minutes before I could stop retching, the foul taste on my tongue not half as bad as the repulsive images that refused to stop flashing in front of my eyes.

Finally sensing the last of my sickness fading, my fingers released their tight grip on the basin before me, staggering to my bed.

The artificial light buzzing above caused an ache to pound through my head, lids shut tightly as I sunk onto the mattress.

A crinkling disrupted the silence, feeling something rustle under me as I sat down. Instinct made me stand again, eyes opening to a folded piece of paper, sitting atop the old linen shirt of mine Alex had claimed as her own.

So many nights, as we drifted into sleep, she’d curled against my bare chest while wearing it. Saying she wanted to capture my scent into the material, to keep some part of me with her while I was away.

Just the sight of it had me choking back a sob.

_No. No crying._

Even in predicting the crushing anguish that would ensue, I still plucked the note into my hand, opening it.

The page had been ripped from one of the countless books Beaumont had supplied her, fawning over his notes about the Ancient Sith and Old Republic. A strange language was imprinted over most of the space, noting Beaumont’s scribblings in the margins for translation, my stare wandering until the delicate curve of her handwriting came into focus at the bottom.

‘ _If it was my choice, you would have been my forever_. _Keep a lookout for me in the next lifetime_. _I’ll be waiting_.’

My legs failed me, falling to my knees on the hard floor beneath.

No more. I had no more strength left. To hold it back. The misery. The despair. The _pain_. All that came with knowing she was gone. Never to return.

Our future, the one I’d filled my dreams with, the one I’d so viciously fought for, evaporated like smoke in the wind, never truly real in the first place.

Gripping into the garment she’d left, I buried my face into the linen, tears beginning to stain the thin fabric. It occurred to me quickly why it had been purposefully placed here.

It smelled like her. The scent potent and _devastating_.

A final memento.

The realisation, as well as the harsh recollection of her soothing aroma, caused long held whimpers and sobs to break free, clutching the shirt to my chest as emotion finally spilled over.

_I wasn’t strong enough, to endure this._

_Weak. So weak_.

Not since my mother’s funeral had I felt so defeated by grief, barely able to take in adequate breaths, crying hopelessly as I leaned into the bedside.

Slowly, my form became slumped into the floor, too trapped in sorrow to force myself to move.

I simply gave in, letting it overwhelm me, laying hunched on the cold durasteel, weeping into the last tangible memory I would ever have of Alex being mine, until the relieving darkness of sleep consumed me.

*

“Poe? You alive in there?” Finn whispered, a hand poking at my shoulder.

I groaned, peeling my face away from the metal underneath. “H-huh?” Rubbing away the sleep in my eyes, I could only just make out his blurred figure kneeling next to me. “What time is it?”

“Just past sunrise. Leia didn’t give me clearance to your quarters until now. Said you needed space.”

Everything felt stiff, limbs slowly unlocking to allow me to sit up. “But… The base… I needed to help set up the base.”

“It’s okay man, we had it covered.”

With my vision clearing, I noticed Finn scanning over the crumpled cloth sitting on my lap. He didn’t voice the question hinted in his expression, instead moving to more pertinent matters. “Connix thinks she’s isolated a signal with Rey’s code.”

“And you waited this long to wake me?” I grumbled.

He huffed. “It only came through a few minutes ago. Appears to be a written message, but still needs to be decrypted first. Leia wanted all of us to view it together.”

“Right,” I coughed, throat feeling thick. “Just… give me a minute.”

“Sure thing.”

I moved to stand, shuffling into the ‘fresher, trying to ignore the lingering smell of vomit. Looking to the dirtied mirror, the face staring back at me did nothing to lift my mood.

Even after all that sleep, I looked _tired_. A faint purple edge to my lower lids, cheeks sallow, more ageing lines etched around my eyes.

A splash of water was all I could do to present myself with some essence of composure, hoping no one would ask the inevitable question, “Are you okay?”

I didn’t have the energy to lie. Not yet.

After running a set of dampened fingers through my hair, Finn was patiently waiting by the door. “Good to go?”

“Good as I can get for today,” I sighed.

He didn’t attempt to leave right away, appraising me with a softened frown. “…You want to talk about it?”

“Nope.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

My automatic answers placated him enough to turn and exit, his strides brisk and energetic, leaving me lagging behind as we stepped out into the crisp morning atmosphere.

The base was a far sight better than I expected, yesterday’s crude set ups now formed into organised stations, a collective calm settled into the air.

Brightened lights still shone from every angle, most of Jinta’s sunlight diminished by the ever present clouds above.

An urgent trill at my feet disturbed my steps off the boarding ramp. “Hey, buddy.”

BB-8 bumped softly into my shin, head dipping down, wordlessly telling me to crouch to his level.

I followed the instruction, watching his photoreceptor scatter its focus over my face. “What’s up? Something to tell me?”

The little droid didn’t answer, instead pushing himself forcefully to my torso, domed head nuzzling into my chest with a drabble of soft beeps.

“ _Reminder. BB loves Poe_.”

My fragile resilience started to splinter, harnessing whatever strength I could to keep my expression blank. It had never been proven droids could actually truly _feel_ such an emotion, but I’d decided long ago this assortment of metal and circuitry was proof enough for me.

I collected him into a hug, coiling my arms around his balled body. “I feel the same way BB.”

A round of delighted beeps trickled out, seeing him wobble back and forth happily as I straightened my stance.

There was a small commotion at the comm centre, a rustle of voices coming out in relieved congratulations.

“Decryption must be finished,” Finn remarked. “Come on.”

Our movements were more hurried now, filtering through the small crowd, almost at the holo table when a few disbelieving words were uttered from Connix.

“Huh? A Notice of Marriage?”

An electric bolt snapped my body, feeling a blow thump brutally into my chest. 

_This quickly?_

_There’s no way._

“This has to be a joke,” Gartfran rumbled. “Surely this can’t be real.”

Connix was flabbergasted. “It’s got the First Order’s offical sanction code. It’s… legitimate.”

“I don’t understand. She’s supposed to be with us. When could this have happened?” D’Arcy questioned.

“She get herself captured again? Can’t imagine she’d do this willingly,” Chireen muttered.

It felt as if a singular hand was squeezing the entirety of my heart, nails digging into the muscle, close to ripping the organ from inside my rib cage. Finally reaching the front of the rabble, a glowing collection of words were displayed with an irritatingly obnoxious design.

The second name wasn’t the one I had been dreading to read.

“ _Rey_?” Finn erupted. “Getting married to _him_? The _hell_ is going on?”

While a flourishing cascade of relief washed over, my eyes were quick to concentrate on Leia, finding her speechless as she re-read the message. Suddenly, her stare shot to mine, features struck with a panic I’d rarely observed in the years past.

“Hold on!” Connix exclaimed, a finger pressed to her earpiece. “I’m getting a comm signal from the same source. From… Coruscant? It’s got Rey’s code.”

I turned to the crowd. “Everybody out! Now!” A few of the High Command members poised to argue. “It’s an order! Follow it!” With the grumbling voices fading behind me, I placed myself next to Leia, Finn standing at my side, Rose coming to join us after ushering the horde away. “I want every layer of camouflage on our outgoing signal Connix, got it?”

“Sure thing,” she piped back, fingers flying over the control panel she sat with, a confusing myriad of buttons being flipped and turned in an razor sharp manner.

We were all silent in waiting, feeling a small, shaky hand grip lightly at my elbow. I skimmed a thumb over Leia’s knuckles, sharing her anxiety for the image about to be displayed.

The initial, harsh static indicated the vast distance being covered by the transmission, sensing all of us tense as the hologram slowly fell into a discernible singular outline of Rey.

Or at least, someone who liked like her.

Within the few years I’d known the young woman, I’d never seen her appear like this. Hair undone, spilling in curled waves. Dark robes wrapping her frame. Even her usually softened features were decorated with a distinct spectacle of bold cosmetics.

_Oh no_.

“Excellent! You’re all here.” Her voice was more unsettling than the rest of her new visage, the excited smile she wore utterly bizarre to see. “I can assume you received the notice then?”

Finn spoke out first. “Rey? What’s going on? Are you being held hostage?”

Her melodious laugh had me grimacing. “No! Of course not! Nothing so sinister. I came to Coruscant for on my own accord.” Eyes narrowing, she scrutinised each of our faces. “Why do you all look so horrified? This should be happy news!”

“It’s a little bit of a shock,” Rose answered softly. “You look… so different.”

“I think it’s a better representation of who I am,” she beamed.

Leia and I glanced to each other, my fearful expression mirrored within hers.

“This is some big scheme, right? A way to infiltrate the First Order?” Finn asked urgently. “You’re not actually going to _marry_ that guy, are you?”

“I know how it looks Finn.” The soothing expression she gave evoked the opposite feeling. “But this is truly what I want. What we both want. We’re… in love.”

His face twisted into a disgusted scowl, too stunned by the answer to continue his barrage of questions

Leia’s tone was gentle when she posed her own. “This is what he wanted too?” 

Rey nodded. “He had been waiting for me, all this time. It was inevitable really. I just needed to stop fighting it. Being on Letum helped me understand why. The universe _needs_ us to be together.”

Hearing her say those words was _jarring_.

_This universe has a lot to fucking answer for._

A single question surged into my consciousness, having it seethe out with a cutting severity. “Where is Alex?”

A knowing smirk painted Rey’s lips. “ _Mmm_ , somehow I knew that would be the only thing you’d care about. Don’t be concerned Poe, she’s perfectly safe with us. In fact, her arrival was extremely beneficial.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Abilities like hers would have been _wasted_ with the Resistance. It saved a lot of time and credits, not having to keep up the search. Willingly joining us was an outcome I’m significantly pleased to have occur.”

Anger started to simmer, sure of one single thing. “She wouldn’t have wanted to stay after learning about… this.”

“Well, _technically_ that’s true. She just hasn’t realised this is the place she’ll be most valuable.”

I leaned forward, palms scratching into the control panel. “Let her go.”

“Alex chose to be here,” Rey insisted, the cheerful demeanour she greeted us with dissolving into something more menacing. “Such risky choices come with consequences, even if you don’t particularly agree with them.”

“What the _hell_ is wrong with you?” My voice was booming, fists slamming into the metal before me.

The outburst was only met with a delicate smile. “You should be more grateful, Poe. If it weren’t for me, they’d be _fucking_ right now.”

I became frozen in a numbed fury, as Rey turned, distracted by the entrance of a figure in the background. “Oh wonderful! You’re here! I was just inviting some extremely special guests to the upcoming wedding.”

My eyes darted to the blurred silhouette she spoke to, recognising it instantly.


End file.
